Analyzing why people do the things they do and how those things affect others is one of my favorite pastimes. I enjoy finding solutions.
How to Figure Out Why Someone Said Something Hurtful
Hurtful words carry great power. They have the potential to shove somebody into a downward spiral of self-doubt and destruction, or they can jolt that person out of their comfort zone and onto a quest of self-discovery and improvement. Sometimes, there is some truth in the words. Often, there is none.
People say mean things to others for many reasons. More often than not, the person who puts somebody else down won't remember what they said a year later; however, the recipient of those words may remember them for the rest of their lives.
One way to limit the negative effects these words have on you is to consider, or even better, write down your answers to the following: who said the words, how well does that person know you or the person or circumstances they referred to, what purpose, if any, they may have had in saying them, whether or not they have any authority or expertise to have made the claim they made, if it is possible you misinterpreted what was said, and how long you are willing to allow these comments to disrupt your peace or influence your self-esteem.
Distinguish the Character of the Person who Hurt You
Instead of concentrating on what was said, first try examining the person who said it. Did you become a target of a known bully? Was this person someone you love or someone who's supposed to love you? Was it a relative, a friend, a teacher, a coach, or a stranger? Was it somebody whose opinion you previously respected; or, was it somebody who often said things you didn't agree with? Is this person mean to others; or, did they single you out?
When you analyze the character of the person who spoke those awful words to you or about you or someone you love, you may find that their words are more a reflection of who they are and not so much about who you are.
What Motivated That Person to Say What Was Said?
Sometimes people say cruel things to others when their own lives are in turmoil. It's not right. It's not an excuse. It's an explanation. When people are under too much stress, they might accuse someone else of having the faults that they fear they possess; or, they might blurt out something in anger that they don't really mean. Afterward, they may feel some guilt; but they may also feel relief that they got their fears off their chest without even recognizing that their words were misdirected.
Think about whether they said what they said intentionally to hurt you or help you. They may have put you down solely to boost their own ego. If intoxication played a role, the words said may not have been meant for you. When people are too drunk or high to think clearly, they often misinterpret different aspects of their reality which causes them to make unwarranted accusations or ignorant statements.
On the other hand, when somebody's confidence is low about certain aspects of who they are, they may twist other people's words to match how they feel about themselves as a way to validate (whether true or not) their own perception of themselves.
Why Do People in Pain Snap
People in pain, whether it be physical, emotional, or psychological, sometimes snap at the people around them. Often, those people are the ones who are dear to them. They, usually, don't mean to hurt the people they love. The pain consumes them, and, as a result, they lash out in an attempt to feel some relief, if only for a moment.
In that brief moment they are yelling out hurtful words, their minds become distracted enough to override their concentration of their pain. It may help to point out to them that this process is understandable; however, their behavior toward you is unacceptable. They need to seek treatment to avoid causing you pain.
Why Did You Feel Hurt by What Was Said?
After you determine the personality of the person who hurt you and whatever outside influences may have played a part in their insensitivity to your feelings, examine what it was that made you feel bad. Were you bothered because you believe there was truth in what was said? Did it upset you because there was no truth to it at all? Would the words have hurt you if they were spoken in a different tone or in a different setting?
Sometimes, it's not what was said that hurts so much as it is who it was said in front of. For example, maybe a coworker or teacher said, "You screwed this all up; you're a horrible worker/student." Maybe, this wouldn't bother you too much if you're the only two people within earshot; you might defend yourself and feel confident in the work you do. However, being shamed in front of others could not only elevate the level of hurt you feel but could also play a major part in how long you hold onto it. When around other people, you might not be so quick to defend yourself because you already feel embarrassed enough. When you can't defend yourself, you may feel angry at yourself which can cause you to feel worse.
Should You Apologize or Forgive Someone Who Hurt You
If the hurtful words spoken to you were in retaliation for something unwarranted that you said or did to hurt the person, a heartfelt apology including an admission to what you are guilty of may help mend your relationship or, at the very least, it may help the other person begin to heal.
In contrast, if the other person hurt you without just cause, you have nothing to feel guilty about. However, if what they did or said continues to cause you grief, you need to decide whether you can let go of the pain and move forward without allowing it to direct your life along a less than deserved fruitful path or if you want to feel justice by taking actions to receive an admission of guilt and an apology. Often, this is the most someone hurt can hope for and this process may help them feel a sense of release from the negatively they feel inside.
Can You Let Go Of the Pain Behind Hurtful Words?
Sometimes people hurt us and almost instantly or within a relatively short amount of time we can barely recall what happened or perhaps we remember what happened but we can't recall the name of the person who hurt us. For example, you may remember when you're 40 years old that somebody gave you a bloody nose when you were a teenager; however, you may not be able to recall who the person was or even why they hit you. You simply let it go.
Amazingly, if that same person had said something hurtful to you or about you, you may never forget their name or what they said. In order to let it go, some people are able to accept and release what was said as something in the past (like a bloody nose) that has no relevance in their present. This is not an easy task and the more hurtful the circumstances the harder it is to let go but it's something to strive for to allow yourself inner peace.
How to Turn Hurtful Words Around in Your Favor
The process of breaking down the individual pieces of who said what and why may help to lessen the pain and to steer you in a more positive direction. In addition, it may help you learn more about the person who broke your heart or your confidence.
The information you gather through this analysis may help you take a more in-depth look at your own imperfections and strong points, as well as those of the person who hurt you. It might prompt you to forgive and forget or to move past the negativity of what was said. It may also inspire you to recognize signs that the person who hurt you needs help or maybe they need somebody to show them what kindness looks like. At the end of this analysis, you will probably have a better understanding of who you are, who you are not, and who you aspire to become.
Write a Poem, Rap, or Song
Change the poem below by adding the hurtful words said to you in the quotation. Let them know how it felt to receive the words they said. You might feel so bad that you allow yourself to believe what was said even if deep down you know it isn't true.
Instead of telling them that you're not "a loser" or whatever they accuse you of being, show them through your response. Show them the good in you; show them your beauty.
Look for the good qualities in the person who said these words to you and acknowledge in your piece that you may never be them or who they expect you to be but you have good qualities, as well as, bad just like every other human on earth.
Let them know you will give your best to improve and to see the good side of others. And, always imagine how the person receiving your words might feel before putting them out there. Spread love, not hate.
This exercise may help you move past what was said and minimize the significance of it regardless of whether or not you write it for your eyes only.
Sticks and Stones - An Anti-Bullying Poem
Lasting Effects of Hurtful Words Poll
Questions & Answers
Question: Five years ago, someone said that I am a doormat, a pushover and that nobody knows me. It still hurts me. How should I move past it?
Answer: That sounds like something somebody could have said about me 5 or 10 years ago because I was a doormat, a pushover, and I didn't share much of my feelings with others. I thought I was kind and forgiving because it felt natural to me to accommodate people or as some might say be a "people pleaser." However, at some point, I recognized my flaws, and I decided to stop allowing others to take advantage of my good will. I realized I could still be kind and forgiving to others, but I had to be sure to be kind and forgiving to myself first. In being kind to myself, I began only accommodating others when it's truly what I want to do (when it feels good to me to help someone else) and not when I feel used.
In your case, If those things don't describe who you believe yourself to be or who you were at the time, then realize the person who said that to you must have misunderstood who you are and instead of stating who they thought you were they should have let you know they have concerns for you. The person who said that to you made a mistake either in what they said or in the delivery of it. We all have flaws. Nobody's perfect. Allow yourself the peace of mind to forgive if you can. I bet the person never meant to hurt you at all and may even have thought they were helping you.
Question: My boyfriend keeps saying mean things to me and throwing my past in my face. He tells me I will never be a housewife just a forty-year-old party person. How should I handle this?
Answer: You're in control of your own destiny - not your boyfriend. If you want to become a housewife someday, you can make that happen. Your boyfriend may have fears for your safety or he may be afraid he'll lose you to someone who will treat you better or maybe his meanness is coming from somewhere else altogether. If I were in your shoes and I thought this relationship was worth trying to save I would request from him that we have a nice talk - no name-calling-no insults-no screaming and then I would let him know those tactics are unacceptable. I would tell him how it made me feel when he said those mean things and I would tell him that couples should lift each other up and bring out the best in each other. I would tell him everybody makes mistakes in life - not one person on this planet is perfect. We learn from our mistakes and move on leaving our past errs where they belong - behind us - while trying to do better and be better. Then I would ask him if he wanted to work on making our relationship better. If so, I would ask him to tell me what his fears are in our relationship and I would put my concerns about myself aside and listen carefully to how he feels. Afterward, we will both be a little more knowledgeable about what we're doing to hurt each other and whether or not we want to change our behaviors to keep our relationship or not.
Question: I went to spend some time with family, but as I was leaving someone said something along the lines of "I don't know why you're leaving like you have plans when you know you're boring." It didn't really hurt me, but the fact that he said something so ignorant because he didn't know me angered me in so many ways. Why does this effect me so much?
Answer: This person who doesn't know you caught you off guard as you were leaving and he made an assumption about who you are based on a short amount of time. He also risked embarrassing you in front of others possibly to get a chuckle from them at your expense. It wasn't a kind thing to do, and people like yourself who recognize that thoughtless behavior get angered by witnessing it.
Question: I was buying a necklace and asked if it matched my coloring (hair, skin, etc). My “friend” said “smile," and that the yellowish color matched the yellowish color of my front crowned teeth. Do I say something to this person?
Answer: I think that if the comment causes you grief and you can no longer look at this friend without thinking about how their insensitive words affected your self esteem you might want to let them know that. However, if your teeth coloring really doesn't bother you then you can appreciate the fact that having a yellow tint to your teeth is better than having a mean tint to your spirit. Keep smiling...most people look beyond your teeth anyhow and they see the sparkle that your spirit emits.
Question: How do I get past a friend of mine calling me a pig and saying he wished that I died during surgery, just because I said he used to like me?
Answer: It might be possible that your friend said those things because he was so worried that you might die during surgery and he didn't know how to deal with the fear of losing you so he set his mind to distant you and protect his heart. If that's not the case and he said those things to be cruel then perhaps you should distance yourself from him and spend time with people who value you for who you are. If you still want to be friends with this person and the feeling is mutual then you should probably let him know how hurtful his words were and ask if he meant them.
Question: A good friend of mine who became a romantic interest while long distance started experiencing home troubles when I returned home. I approached him about the mixed signals and he said he, “didn’t feel the need to define ‘what are we’ because, to be blunt, we are only friends who sexted and talked a lot”. Should I forgive him? He still wants to be friends, but I can’t understand why he’d say something that wasn’t true at all.
Answer: Without knowing what you mean by him experiencing home troubles I'd have to guess that you mentioned those home troubles because you believe they have something to do with the reason he's sending you mixed signals. If that is the case then his response may be a sign that he feels your relationship with him is jeopardizing a relationship at home and perhaps he wants to lessen the importance of it to relieve himself of guilt or accountability or he may be trying to back away from where that was leading because he liked your relationship better when you were friends who didn't sext. A caring friend might have been more sensitive in their wording and instead of saying you are "only" friends might have said what he loves about the friendship you had prior to the sexting and why he would like to go back to being friends in that way again. If my interpretation of what you wrote is way off, forgive him and be the friend you were before. If my interpretaion was spot on, you might want to ask yourself what is it about him that makes him a good friend to keep in your life.
Question: My friends have had a dislike of my mum for about a year now for no apparent reason. This one "friend" makes really hurtful comments, for example when a frail old lady walks past he'll say something like "look it's his witch mum." It angers me but if I lash out none of my friends will back me up. What should I say or do?
Answer: There's nothing more hurtful or disrespectful than for somebody to put down someone we love, especially, in our presence. Know that whatever mean things they say only reflects negatively on who they are. I think the best way to handle this situation would be to take each of them aside individually and say something like this, "You know, that's my Mum you're talking about, and I love her. I don't like hearing you say mean things about her. How would you feel if somebody spoke badly about someone you love? I like hanging out with you, and I'd like to remain your friend, so please stop." If you were to say this to all of them at once, they might crack more jokes and continue picking on you and your Mum at least throughout that day (although they might ease up on it later) so it's probably better if you wait for a good time to tell each privately.
Question: This boy said I am not pretty. It really hurts. How can I move past it?
Answer: Everybody has their own opinions on what features make someone attractive. While one boy may think you are not pretty, another may think you're the prettiest person on earth. One thing I have noticed is that when people are kind and good hearted, when they stand up for themselves and others if needed, and when they have ambition and motivation to excel and to help others, their beauty can't be beat and the people who's opinions matter recognize those qualities as the ones that make people pretty.
Question: Someone hatefully said to me they’re sorry I was “all up in my feelings, but go f—-off” this person is an acquaintance of the family that really had no reason to say this to me, as I was talking to her sister and not her. So why does it bother me so much, and how do I get over it?
Answer: It might be more about the fact that she interrupted you when you were trying to get the point across to her sister than about what she said. I suspect after this flair up you never really had a chance to say what you intended on saying or it had less of an effect than you'd hoped. That's probably why it still bothers you. Perhaps, if you can finish your conversation, you'll feel better, and the interruption will have no more power over your thoughts.
Question: Someone has said something nasty and it affects you and makes you get anxiety. For example, always thinking of what the person said and how it ruins your life in your moment destroying any good feeling that you finally desire. Should I get a therapist?
Answer: If you have a primary care physician you might contact him/her and they should be able to advise you on what steps to take to help relieve your anxiety. Some things that have helped me to stop negative thoughts in the midst of an anxiety attack have been … counting out loud...relaxing in the bath...imagining me in a happy place...taking control of my self-esteem by setting small goals for self-improvement and feeling good about myself when I accomplish them.
Question: How do you respond when called a junkie or crackhead? How to let go of a past life that people will not allow you to forget?
Answer: Most people have something in their past they wish they could forget. It may be something that happened to them or something they did (or said) to themselves or somebody else. Overcoming a drug addiction is not an easy task, and it's difficult when people don't acknowledge the work that it took to put the addiction in the past. If I was a recovered drug addict and somebody called me a junkie or crackhead, I would say something like this to them, "You know, it took a lot of work for me to overcome my addiction. While I may have been a junkie or a crackhead in the past, those words and the actions associated with them no longer define me. Is there something from your past you wouldn't want me to remind you of every time you remind me of mine? Instead of bringing up my past, concern yourself with your own." Maybe taking a stand like this will make them bite their tongue the next time they think about making false claims against you. If not, know that you're strong, and while you can't control what others say, you may be able to control whether or not you allow it to hurt you.
Question: I recently had to feel the burn from an internet bully who said despicable, nasty stuff and lots of unthinkable swear words. I know I shouldn't take that seriously, but it bothers me so much that I literally cried because of it. I was not even mean to that person, but she used extremely vulgar language which left a big impact on my mind. How do I recover?
Answer: I'm so sorry you had to experience the wrath, insensitivity, and ignorance of a bully. Know that when bullies strike with no regard for how their actions and words affect their victims, it speaks more negatively about them than it does about the person they target. When I have dealt with bullies saying awful things to me, I've found that it helps me to wait a day, think about the context of what was said and then send a nice a little note off to the person letting them know how much it hurt me to hear their words and perhaps how wrong they are about their perception of me. Most of the time, I get a sincere apology but sometimes I get a person so wrapped up in anger they want to continue their abuse. Either way, I feel better that I let them know how hurtful they had been and I'm always hopeful they will see the error of their ways and make changes in how they treat others.
Mary on July 25, 2020:
I feel like my boyfriend dosen't understand me...
He says mean words to me and when I point them out,he tells me he sees nothing wrong in what he says...saying I don't like the truth and am judgemental,but I don't see it that way..I mean if he had a different approach to things it would have been better....
We've been having issues about my jealousy part,I mean am very jealous when it comes to him associating with the opposite sex...
One day I came out clean and told him I didn't want him to be friends with any female,he could talk to them but nothing like she's someone I talk to like most times....I was too jealous....
Then he wasn't understanding me and it turned into an argument...and I couldn't take all the hurtful words he was throwing at me....and I broke up with him....he chose friendship over me....we've been dating for close to 2 years now....
He told me if it was about his female friends I shouldn't bother him about him,and that if I wanted to go...I was free to....
Although am staying with him...so I told him I needed to get myself and I would leave soon enough....he's been acting like nothing happened about the argument stuff wanting to get back to me....without us talking about what happened earlier....
And lately I've been mentally stressed...and he's been saying hurtful words to me
Mamadou Coulibaly on July 08, 2020:
I thank you author.You know, one day when we were at the farm.I was discussed with my brother.One of my family member said stupid'words are not necessary.This word broke my heart,and put me in self-doubt,lowered my self-esteem.I even hate myself.I'm depressed for longtime.I don't know what to do.
Zari on July 04, 2020:
Thank u so much for sharing that, even idk why sometimes people even when they say they love us tell us cruel things... like my bf at first told me that i am fat or idk ... even i am not but it hurts when someone say these and still says that they love us ! Where is love in these words. Even now i can recognize that he has issues in his life and the blame is not on me or my past.
A.K.B on April 16, 2020:
Hello, I have an issue in that when someone hurts me, I tend to lash out. It usually happens to people who are very dear to me. I m conscious of this tendency but it still happens. Why is this so? And is it something that I should seek professional help for?
H.M. on February 08, 2020:
One day at my bestfriend baby celebration, one of her friends asked in front of everyone that if i have a boyfriend or not and how is my dating life. And she (my bestfriend) replied with laughter that "no one wants me, my appearance is not good enough to sell to anyone to date me".
At this event, there are a lot of other girls who also single, and she always matching they up with her guy friends, but never me. She also likes to post or upload a picture on her social media when my face is looking ugly, when she has other pictures of me that are nice.
Her words really hurtful and even makes me cry all day after i heard that. I actually have a really low self esteem and i have insecurity about physical appearance. So when she said something like that, it really broke my heart and my confidence that i'm trying really hard to build all these years. I used to keep all of my problems to my self, so i always appear with good mood and looks happy when people are around. So i think she might be think that it wouldn't hurt me, because i'm carefree and easy going, when the reality is i'm not.
My insecurity put me into depression years before. And when i heard that hurtful words, it triggered my depression back.
I think she might be joking. Because in fact i have dates before, but she never met them, because i never bring anyone to meet my friends yet. But at the other hand, i also think she might be serious about that, because when me and other girls are single, she always try hard to find them a partner, but not me, when i'm the closest friend to her.
How can i react to this in a positive way? I don't want to be depressed all over again. I think this is hurt so much because after hear the words i started to think that may be she's right that no one really wants me. (I'm in age where most of my friends are either engaged or married).
Roni on February 06, 2020:
My boyfriend and i had an argument 2 weeks ago, i have noticed that he, it seems to me 'checks out' other women with blonde hair. I told him the day after we went out shopping i noticed he kept looking at the same blonde haired woman and i was upset by it again but he said he was looking at the advertisement that she was sat next to. I questioned it and then he blurts out 'I like blonde hair '. He then goes on to say he likes ginger hair, brown hair, he's interested in hair / wanted to be a hairdresser when he was 17. But then other times (because i still feel I'm not able to forgive him :( )he's said that he said it out of anger and because I kept going on at him. I have dark brown hair of course and I keep feeling down about it. Was he lying when he said he said it because he's interested in hair or even when he said it out if anger? I feel there maybe some truth in it if i have noticed he double glances, keeps looking at blonde hair women/girls .
Folasade Olayinka Dada on January 26, 2020:
This is what my husband said to me and I quote”Hear me now clearly,I am now fully convinced that you are a very stubborn and senselessly animal that can never see anything good in me no matter how I have done the best for your meaningless life.Let it be clear that I can’t cope with your attitudes again even as you are far away.Sincerely,you are the biggest fool I ‘ve ever met in my life.Let it be clear to you that I don’t owe any money on your rent.I am not giving you one single dime and I am certain of that.Don't ask me for any money again.Bye”.That is what he sent to me and this issues had been on ground for six years now bcos of educational status he is an accountant in top company as a CEO and am a teacher that came out with third class so he said our ways of reasons is different he is infidel he sleeps with ladies and for months we don’t have sex.He cheats a lot and complain about me to his friends and also involve in physical abuse.Now having day all these I want to reply him based on what he said can you advice me and give clue to send to him that will not result in grievances
Alexa reyes on January 11, 2020:
My bf of 2 yrs friend of 6 years during an argument as i was driving screamed for a while at me right to my ear and threaten to open the door as i was going over a bridge i just kept speeding hoping if he did something it would be once i was in a safe place to pull over. He threw his cap at me hitting me on the leg hard enought that i felt it and screamed at me that i was a peace of crap like the one he took every morning that i was noone and that i am not worthy to be in a relationship. To a certain degree i understand it was made out of anger he was veyond angry but im finding it hard to move past it should i? Should i break it up? Is it ok for me to be angry for more than just a day? Everytning this article talks about fits he misinterprets my words and tells me im making him feel shitty that its my only goal he has low self esteem anger issues unfortunately he doesnt believe in help from a counselor/therapist. Even though i understand ileven more so thanks to this article that he has some kind of internal struggle i cant help but be angry and wanting to stay away from me
Kim Miller on January 10, 2020:
not being able to allowed to defend yourself,, can cause great anxiety. A women I love has alienated the people atound her as she is dying from cancer..She is a fighter and INDEPENDENT....knowing this ..should I continue helping, or keep my peace..but staying out of it for my own health .....
KIMBERLY ABLI on December 19, 2019:
My roomates who were my past team mate actualy told me that I am very unkind and selfish person and that i dont know how to adjust with everyone. She was angry because I told one of her friends about the incident that happened since she doesnt want to lay down with me. And she confront me telling me that the reason why is that she always saw me touch my private oarts and he fins it weird. Why wouldnt she tell me instead of acting as if i had a disease. She also toldme that I love to play victim. I dont k ow what to think anymore. I am just deeply sad and depressed for what they said.
Audrey Hunt from Idyllwild Ca. on December 09, 2019:
Just what I needed! You've given us some valuable suggestions for dealing with hurtful words. Words are powerful. I do wonder from time to time if we alone give words this power?
Tash Ikin on November 27, 2019:
I don't like it when someone says shut up and I will report you
Lalaf0101 on November 18, 2019:
A friend of mine has been chatting and slating me to another friend, saying she’s can’t keep a man because of her kids’ in other words my children’s behaviour. This is wrong as my kids always come first and I walked away from a few toxic relationships. This other friend has also made comments to me about my other friends. My friends mean a lot to me and I don’t judge I like to try support them.
This friend keeps suggesting we meet, I don’t really feel I want to meet her now the truth has come out. I’m not sure where this ‘friendship’ is heading as it doesn’t feel loving or supportive to me.
Simone on November 07, 2019:
one of my friends said in front of everyone that I am really bad at something I was doing at the moment. It really hurt me. I tried not to think about it too much though because she is one of my best friends. I am trying to look into her good side but the words she said in front of everyone really like actually hurt me.
H Lax (author) on September 25, 2019:
You might want to try asking her why she feels the need to criticize you and talk to you so harshly. It might help her to become more aware of the pain she causes you and she may realize that the way she treats you is not humorous.
Anonomys on September 25, 2019:
A friend of mine keeps saying harsh words to me for no reason. She critisizes me all the time and there isn't a day that goes by that she acts rude to me. I hadn't done anything wrong, she just likes acting like that to me. I don't know what to her because she's my friend but the words that she says everyday start to get to me. What should I do?
H Lax (author) on September 14, 2019:
Vk, defending yourself is often the only way to get others to stop hurting you. However, take care not to hurt others which commonly occurs for many people who suffer from moodswings. It was good that you finally let your group know that their insults hurt you but instead of naming one person in front of everybody you may have gotten better results if you spoke to that person privately first. She may have started crying because she was embarrassed by her own behavior. If you plan to continue hanging with these people it might help to ask everyone to call a truce and try to be more thoughtful of everyones feelings.
Vk on September 13, 2019:
I have a gang of 6 and I am a person who get frequent moodswings so now they are calling by name moodswings and calling me a multiple personality person and all They used to make joke of me for the past 4 years and I never feel offended but when they insulted me by my moidswings it hurt me a lot and I told them in my group that please dont insult me I don' t like it I told them that one of the person in my group is tje one who insults me a lot and her insult hurts me more what she do is she started crying and put voice message in group .Now I am like the bad person of the gang? i dont know what is the thing that I did wrong and did I do anything wrong?
Maria on July 04, 2019:
My boyfriend broke up with me for no reason in April, he took me back for 3 days in March and said he did it out of pity because I was upset. He has accused me of things I never did and won't believe me when I tell the truth. When he left me in April, I took comfort in two guy friends and he accused me of not wanting him back because I went to them for help. Nothing happened romantically or sexually between my guy friends but he was upset because they hugged and kissed me on the cheek. I just shaved my head recently and he found out. My exboyfriend posted pictures of me with my shaved head and made fun of me. He also sent the picture to me and then deleted it. I texted him hurtful words, "I'm nothing but a joke to you and you used me", "You were an asshole to me and still are" and "You never loved or cared about me. You used me. I hope the next girlfriend realizes you are a dick". While texting these words, he was sending me jokes and cartoon pictures of him farting. Should I apologize for what i said.
Erin on June 26, 2019:
My adult brother would say mean and degrading things to me seemingly out of the blue.once he looked at me and told me how disgusting looking i was. Right before he died, he said he didnt know why i was the way i was. I will never forget these and the times he called me a b---- out of the blue. His wife disliked me so maybe that is where his hatred for me came from. I figure there had to be a reason he would go totally psycho on me . I just never found that reason.
H Lax (author) on June 19, 2019:
There's no reason to feel like you're really bad at debating. From what you say here, they were "a little" disappointed. Sounds to me like you did well but there's room for improvement which is usually the case with everything especially when learning new things. You might want to ask in what areas they believe you need to put more attention to and what parts they thought you did well. One way I have found to debate an issue really good is to give a lot of thought to where I stand and what I believe about the issue and then write one essay supporting my beliefs and one essay supporting the other side. In the process, I have fine tuned my beliefs by gaining a better understanding of all sides to the issue.
.... on June 18, 2019:
This may not sound as bad to other people but I just finished debate camp, and my brother who is a very good debater was a counselor since he is 15. When I came home my mom asked me how I did to my brother and the counselors were saying that they had high expectations and were a little bit disappointed. I feel like I'm really bad at debating now and I feel so horrible I don't know how to feel
Jackson on June 17, 2019:
My sister told my brother and me that I was acting like a gold digger which actually is who I am not. As a boy, I role-play in a popular video-game industry. She used the words that were sound toxic and I really just really want it to stop. I am now 12 years old and she has this same attitude to me since I was 5 years old. Someone, please seek help for me I am so irritated by my sister.
chanelle on May 02, 2019:
My boyfriend was mad because i wore a necklace to yoga because i forgot to take it off after my interview he thought that i was trying to impress a guy there or something but he says things like how could you forget to take your necklace off everyone can see the fat rolling around it dumb f***
S.C on April 17, 2019:
What I found out was that the more it hurt the more you actually do care about a situation and because of this it feels horrible but I basically injured 3 body part minor injuries bruises and cuts all by hand and I didn’t feel it I even pulled some of my hair out physically because someone was trying to apologize after saying something hurtful and I couldn’t except it because a stranger knew my past and threw it at my face and I apologizeed first even though I knew what I did wasn’t anything major all I was doing was giving a compliment and when she apologized I knew what she did was on purpose now I feel less and less motivated to live because of them if anything I’m going to avoid this person at all cost even if it mean breaking my own limbs just to get out
Juliet effiom on April 11, 2019:
I had family issues...and when i told my guy about it he started saying hurtful words to me....that my ex boyfriend that died did his best for me till his death...
J.S. on April 01, 2019:
My mother-in-law told me at an Easter celebration at my house that "she doesn't love me anymore". She told me because she wishes we were closer. It hurt me beyond belief. It's been almost a year and I still picture her saying it to me word for word. I have known her for over 20 years and couldn't believe she said these words. How do I get past this?
H Lax (author) on December 06, 2018:
I wish you didn't have that experience. I hope my article was helpful in making you more aware how whatever negative things people said to you is a negative reflection on them -- not you. I'm sure the people in the bar who heard this person thought more about how rude the person was being than anything else. I think you handled the situation well considering this person relentlessly badgered you. It's never a good idea to escalate a situation into something physical especially not in a bar. Please don't waste anymore of your time worrying about the rude comments this person made. Most Americans are made up of different nationalities/ethnic backgrounds and none of them are better than another. What makes a person better than someone else has everything to do with their character and how well they treat others. I'd say that makes you the better man.
The Logician from now on on October 10, 2018:
You have really well analyzed and articulated the problem and possible solutions or ways to deal with it. So much so that it seems to me a lot of this can be solved by simply developing a thick skin. Most of the time the real problem isn't the offender but the low esteem or emotional over reaction of the victim (so called "snowflakes" come to mind) which is simply resolved by realizing the world is full of insensitive people and to expect it. You can only control yourself and developing a thick skin may be a better way of dealing with it than going down a path of over analyzing everyone, everything and yourself. If you know who you are nothing should hurt you. If it does hurt you maybe you or the offender doesn't know who you really are so set them straight, you don't need to kowtow to anyone's assault on you.
moonlake from America on October 10, 2018:
I believe when people make nasty comments they know exactly what they’re doing. I don’t care what their life is like or what they’re going through they have no right to take it out on someone else.
When my husband passed away my niece told everyone in the family that I went back to my maiden name. It was like she and her parents were looking for something on me. Her dad called my brother-in-law in Arizona told him. He called me ask me why I did that. I never went back to my maiden name I loved my husband and would never do that. It hurt my feelings at a time when I was already hurting. That was 4 years ago. I haven’t forgiven any of them and cut them all out of my life after 52 years of being family.
Maybe some people see this as not amounting to much. I took as nasty vicious gossip.
Donna on June 10, 2018:
I live with my girl friend and she said ... "You are not sexually attractive to me" -- how hurtful was that ? We are going on a European Cruise in two days and I can't get this comment out of my head.
Char Milbrett from Minnesota on March 02, 2018:
Many times, that person makes those hurtful comments to guide you in your path, so you don't make the same mistakes that they made. Sometimes there is a hidden agenda to their control. It's always a shock and a surprise, to discover years after they are gone, that they were actually hiding something that they saw in you, but did not see in themselves. Good article!
Dora Weithers from The Caribbean on April 04, 2017:
"The person who hurt you needs help or maybe they need somebody to show them what kindness looks like." This seems to be the case most often. Your article offers great advice.
H Lax (author) on April 03, 2017:
Audrey, I hope it helps. I always find that when I analyze and organize my thoughts, I usually find more understanding in the imperfect human aspect and that in itself makes things hurt less.
Audrey Hunt from Idyllwild Ca. on April 03, 2017:
This information came at a good time for me. You've given some helpful guide lines. I'll be practicing these suggestions. Thanks.