Alternative health care and mental health enthusiast who is always looking for new ways to become better.
No actual people were harmed in the making of this article. This article is not a how-to guide on how to off someone or make someone disappear. "Dead to you" means the person is metaphorically dead but still very much alive and well.
When Should You Make Someone "Dead to You"?
This decision is a very difficult one to make and should not be taken lightly. The "dead to me" strategy means that the person is really dead to you. So, you should think long and hard about if you are really ready to take this step. In order for the "dead to me" strategy to work as a concept, it does not allow for temporary death or resurrections. It has to be final. If you are wishy-washy about it, people will not take you seriously, and you will end up in a cycle of game-playing that will never end.
What to Consider Before You End the Relationship
You should only undertake this step if you:
- have reached your limit and maxed out your tolerance for a particular person or his/her behaviors.
- no longer need this person for any reason and will no longer need this person at any point in your life.
- have been so deeply hurt or offended that no apologies or separation will allow you to move on together in this world.
- truly and 100% believe that your life would be better and more enjoyable without having to deal with a particular person.
- have already given out all your second chances and have no more to give.
- see no possible alternatives or compromises.
Think Carefully Before You Cease All Contact With a Person
Obviously, you can't make this decision in the heat of the moment. It is a decision that much be carefully thought out. There are people that you can't really make dead to you, like your boss (until you quit or get fired), because you have to communicate and interact with that person on a regular basis.
You also can't end relationships with family members whom you live with or take care of and have to see and talk to on a daily basis. You probably shouldn't make your children or parents dead to you unless you plan on never, ever repairing those relationships.
Here are some relationships that are easier to end permanently:
- exes of all kinds, such as boyfriends and girlfriends (only when no children resulted from the relationship)
- friends or so-called friends
- former co-workers, classmates, or associates
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How to Permanently End a Relationship
Here are the steps:
- Declare them dead in your mind.
- Say goodbye and mourn the loss. It is okay to have a grieving period; that should occur with any loss.
- Eliminate contact—no calls, words, Facebook stalking, or anything else that involves monitoring the offending person's life. Once someone is dead to you, he/she does not physically exist. All you have are the memories. You can't answer their phone calls, texts, emails or any attempts to reach out.
- Let go of the expectation of seeing, talking with, or repairing the relationship with this particular person. Don't look for them in the streets or expect to bump into them at usual hangout spots. If by chance you do see this person, you must pretend like you don't and ignore them.
- Move on with your life with your hobbies, work, friends, and loved ones.
In Time, They Will No Longer Affect You
The strict separation need not last forever. After a period of time, you will notice that you no longer care about the offending person. You can run into them on the streets and dismiss them as nothing. Even if they try to talk to you, you may find that you can superficially dismiss them and go about your business. You can say "hi" and "bye" as if you are talking with ghosts. They are still dead to you. Their former selves are gone.
Advantages of the "Dead to Me" Strategy
There are several advantages to declaring someone "dead to me." Here are the most important:
- Achievement of the end of whatever conflict has caused hurt feelings and general upsetted-ness, as it is now automatically over
- Automatic renewal of existing friendship as you are now free from boring others with repeated and endless discussions of the offending persons about what they did, how they did it, and how you are going to get them back
- Freedom from negative thoughts of revenge
- Elimination of all chances of the offending persons ever hurting you again
- Permission never to talk to the offending persons again in life
Use This Strategy Cautiously
A word of caution: You can employ this strategy too liberally and declare everyone dead and end up alone and lonely. So, save it for when you really need it.
On the other hand, you might feel that this strategy is too harsh. Keep in mind that it is really reserved for extreme situations in which you must preserve your own health and well-being and look out for you. In other words, you have no choice.
It is most important to remember that you are the only one who can really take care of you.
Not Every Relationship Can Be Repaired
Not everyone in this world can be redeemed or saved. Some people do not care for others. And, no matter how hard you try, they may never learn how to be a good companion, friend, co-worker, boss, or family member. When you have people in your life who are constantly treating you like trash, harming you and offering no positive benefit to your life, then you might have to employ this strategy to save yourself and stop the harm.
Use this strategy which you want to be free from the constant pain. You will find this mental strategy will provide you with a sense of freedom and help you regain your own individual power.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.