How to Make Someone "Dead to You"

Updated on January 4, 2017
the battle
the battle | Source


No actual people were harmed in the making of this article. This hub is not a how to on how to off someone or make someone disappear. "Dead to you" means the person is metaphorical dead but still very much alive and well.

no turning back
no turning back | Source

When you should make someone dead . . .

This decision is a very difficult one to make and should not be taken lightly. The "dead to me" strategy means that the person is really dead to you. So, you should think long and hard about if you are really ready to take this step. In order for the "dead to me" strategy to work as a concept, it does not allow for temporary death or resurrections. It has to final. If you are wishy-washy about it, people will not take you seriously and you end up in a cycle of game-playing that will never end.

You should only undertake this step if you have:

  • reached your limit and maxed out your tolerance for a particular person or his/her behaviors;
  • no longer need this person for any reason and will no longer need this person at any point in your life;
  • have been so deeply hurt or offended that no apologizes or separation will allow you to move on together in this world;
  • truly and 100% believe that your life would be better and more enjoyable without having to deal with a particular person;
  • you have already given out all your second chances and have no more to give;
  • there is no alternative or compromise.

Obviously, you can't make this decision in the heat of the moment. It is a decision that much be carefully thought out. There are people that you can't really make dead to you like your boss (until you quit or get fired) because you have to probably talk to and communicate with the person and have at least some interaction with on a regular basis or your family members that you live with or take care of and have to see and talk to on a daily basis. You probably shouldn't make your children or parents dead to you unless you plan on never, ever repairing these relationships.

People you can easily kill off:

  • exes of all kinds such as boyfriends and girlfriends in which no children resulted from the relationship;
  • friends or so-called friends;
  • neighbors;
  • former co-workers, classmates, or associates.

freedom | Source

Advantages of the "Dead to Me" Strategy

There are several advantages to declaring someone "dead to me." Here are the most important:

  • achievement of the end of whatever conflict that has caused hurt feelings and general upsetted-ness, as it is now automatically over;
  • automatic renewal of existing friendship as you are now free from boring others with repeated and endless discussions of the offending persons about what they did, how they did it and how you are going to get them back;
  • freedom from negative thoughts of revenge;
  • elimination of all chances of the offending persons ever hurting you again;
  • permission never to talk to the offending persons again in life.


Final Words

A word of caution ~ you can employ this strategy too liberally and declare everyone dead and end up alone and lonely. So, save it for when you really need it.

On the other hand, you might feel that this strategy is too harsh. Keep in mind that it is really reserved for extreme situations in which you must preserve your own health and well-being and look out for you. In other words, you have no choice.

It is most important to remember that you are the only one who can really take care of you.

Not everyone in this world can be redeemed or saved. Some people do not care for others. And, no matter how hard you try, they may never learn how to be a good companion, friend, co-worker, boss, or family member. When you have people in your life who are constantly treating you like trash, harming you and offering no positive benefit to your life, then you might have to employ this strategy to save yourself and stop the harm. Use this strategy which you want to be free from the constant pain. You will find this mental strategy will provide you with a sense of freedom and help you regain your own individual power.


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    • profile image

      G Gayle 6 months ago

      I actually have used this (only when necessary) and I always had positive results. I googled it today this way "Is it healthy to pretend someone is dead?" and I got your post. I have lived my life around many behavioral disordered people (ones with severe afflictions) they were all naturally selfish and demanding and were awful to be around. I was always their "last friend" so to speak and I was treated with no kindness. Ever. The years of being over-empathetic with another's well being has been horrible and lonely. I'm taking care of myself now. I'm just afraid that I have started too late and the years of stress are going to send me to an early grave. Thanks for your post.

    • profile image

      Crocket 14 months ago

      I have heard of this concept and I was looking for more details. I think in almost any relationship we get into, it starts simply and openly. And sometimes this person becomes a lover and companion plus very compatible. But then things change unfortunately, at times this other person's genuine qualities go away. We do what we can to overcome that but the sour taste can get worse and worse. It is at that point of being lied to, used, cheated on, demeaned that we want to proclaim that person's existence is over. The opposite side is the person you originally got to know and admire has died by their actions also, not ours, all very sad.

    • profile image

      colleen 16 months ago

      Thank you for this. I have to do this with a co-worker as she is the ultimate "mean girl" and I cannot deal with this silent treatment crap she keeps pulling. Very well thought out and written!

    • truthfornow profile image

      truthfornow 2 years ago from New Orleans, LA

      Yes. Otherwise, they keep drawing you back into their drama.

    • profile image

      emma 2 years ago

      do i block them from Facebook and instagram and twitter too?

    • profile image

      Shaun S. 3 years ago

      I believe Jesus said "love thine enemy's, bless those that curse you, do good to those that hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you". But he also states" if a part of your member causes you to sin, it's better to cut it off and cast it into the fire, better to lose a member than the whole body". It's all in the application or interpretation for each person. No don't keep kissing butt to keep a fake friend. Maybe back off, pray and ask God to give that person the wisdom to change. If you've done that, tell them " you have hurt me and I must separate our union. If you show me a difference I would love to continue". Please never leave a person with, feelings, heart and a soul, without an explanation ,or a possible recourse. That would just be the same as they have done to you. No it works the other way, "do to others as you would want them to do to you". Thanks...

    • profile image

      Lady13 3 years ago

      So what exactly should I do , just write a R.I.P letter ? Any advice will definitely help A.S.A.P I am extremely heartbroken and using this strategy will definitely help my situation .

    • truthfornow profile image

      truthfornow 4 years ago from New Orleans, LA

      That is a tough one DrivingPeace. I have problems with someone I work in the same office with. I want her dead to me, but I have to see her every day. So, I just try to be emotionally distant and fake. But, to cut off a parent is really a tough decision. Hope things work out for you for the best.

    • DrivingPeace profile image

      Greg Weber 4 years ago from Montana

      I'm currently deciding whether to employ this strategy with a parent. They have been "dead to me" in all but name for 20 years already, but deciding that you don't ever want to see one of your parents again, or even attend their funeral, is a big decision. This was an interesting Hub. Shared and voted up.

    • truthfornow profile image

      truthfornow 4 years ago from New Orleans, LA

      Thanks for the support.

    • moonlake profile image

      moonlake 4 years ago from America

      I just declared someone dead to me last week. I hit my limit and maxed out my tolerance for this person. Enjoyed your hub and voted up.

    • sunflowerforests profile image

      sunflowerforests 4 years ago from The light in the forest of doubt.


    • truthfornow profile image

      truthfornow 4 years ago from New Orleans, LA

      Thanks for your comment DDE.

    • DDE profile image

      Devika Primić 4 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

      Interesting and most informative, and you have made your point as clear as possible.

    • Express10 profile image

      H C Palting 4 years ago from East Coast

      As a reformed people pleaser, I have used this in several instances and immediately weights were lifted off my shoulder. I have had to kill off neighbors and exe's and even a couple of friends and have more time for the people in my life that are truly valuable human beings and conduct themselves as such. This is a very useful hub that can help a lot of people who are constantly being needlessly stressed out by others.

    • midget38 profile image

      Michelle Liew 4 years ago from Singapore

      I think toxic people would be the first on the list of those I would want 'dead' to me. Not literally, of course, but I would keep a firm distance away. Thanks for sharing!

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      As harsh as this sounds I agree with you. I have written off two people in my life. I gave them every chance to change but when it became apparent that they would not, my welfare was too important to ignore. Great message!

    • Victoria Lynn profile image

      Victoria Lynn 5 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      There really are some relationships that become just mentally painful. Perhaps the"dead to me" is the best route in those situations. Good hub!

    • truthfornow profile image

      truthfornow 5 years ago from New Orleans, LA

      That must have been really hard to do janetwrites.

    • janetwrites profile image

      Janet Giessl 5 years ago from Georgia country

      I applied this strategy with my best friend from childhood. We have been best friends since kindergarten but when we grew older we realized our relationship wasn't good anymore. It was me who made an end to this friendship. I haven't seen her for 5 or 6 years. Though this decision was hard I think it was the best way for both of us.

    • truthfornow profile image

      truthfornow 5 years ago from New Orleans, LA

      Thanks for the votes up, they are much appreciated.

    • truthfornow profile image

      truthfornow 5 years ago from New Orleans, LA

      It is hard to let go but after awhile it gets to be as if they didn't really exist.

    • healthylife2 profile image

      Healthy Life 5 years ago from Connecticut, USA

      there are definitely times when there is absolutely no benefit to continuing the relationship and the negatives outweigh the positives. Preserving your own health and sanity is important. You will always be your own best advocate and have to be the one to make this decision. When you do it can be a relief in some cases but takes time to feel that. Voted up!

    • torrilynn profile image

      torrilynn 5 years ago

      I feel that you have to mentally and emotionally give up on the person almost pretend as if they don't exist. nice hub and great tips.

      Voted up and shared.

    • truthfornow profile image

      truthfornow 5 years ago from New Orleans, LA

      So true SandCastles, thanks for stopping by.

    • profile image

      SandCastles 5 years ago

      To symbolically flush the relationship down the toilet is something you have to do sometimes. Good hub.