I write on a wide variety of topics (money, music, health, relationships) as well as some personal experiences and opinions.
If a Person Throws Themself at You
If something is being thrown at you, most likely it is not worth having. Whether it is a "loose" woman or man, an unwanted sales pitch, a lonely neighbor or coworker that hogs your time, or a total stranger who takes a hard, fast, and undesired interest in you, you need to ask yourself what you want.
There are a variety of ways to avoid people who throw themselves at you. Learning how to avoid these people is an important skill to learn and use. This is not to say that you should live in a bubble, but there are some people who can and should be avoided for your own mental and physical peace.
If they are determined to put themselves in your path to show you how great they are, or if they otherwise attempt to force themselves into your life, these actions should serve as red flags warning you that nonsense will ensue. When you realize that what is going on is manipulation and calculation, it's important to think about whether or not the person could be important to you, your work, or your family.
Once this is taken into account, it is up to you what to do to remedy or improve the situation. If they don't affect your job or income and are not members of your family, then it's likely that you can maintain your distance from them or tell them you want nothing to do with them. Where family and work are concerned, your task requires more finesse, but it's not impossible to get the person to back off and respect your wishes.
When Attraction Turns to Aggression: The Signs
Frequently, those who throw themselves at you have little to nothing to offer you and they know upfront that they will have a challenge in winning you over or getting you to do as they would like you to do. For this reason, it's common for them to approach you with some form of disguise or outright lies in hopes of getting what they want from or through contact with you, damned be your needs, feelings, goals, and wants. When you avoid people who throw themselves at you, it's much more likely that you can free yourself from needless stress and drama.
- Making up excuses to see you. Perhaps you notice they suddenly have a variety of imaginary reasons to spend lots of time doing the same things as you or that you're suddenly "bumping" into one another when and where you had never before.
- They always want to chat. They could suddenly become very chatty despite not really appearing to have had any genuine interest if you had prior interactions. Often when you are approached by these types of people, they unintentionally send out nonverbal clues to your B.S. radar saying there is something not to be trusted about them. Many times your B.S. radar is correct and listening to it could save you some time, energy, or grief.
- Their attraction gets "hotter." Sometimes these types of people take a romantic or sexual interest in you. Usually, letting them know that you aren't interested does the trick but there are some of them that believe they can or simply must make you change your mind. In the setting of your workplace, it may not always be a romantic or sexual interest that makes you an attractive mark. You could find that a coworker takes a very strong interest in learning more about your work-related ideas or things that you have accomplished or those that you plan to accomplish for the company.
- The boundary lines get blurred. Beware, they could want a relationship even if you don't or they could be taking that keen interest only to pass your ideas and efforts off as their own. There are also those that attempt to trip you up due to their own insecurities about their job or your competition for potential promotions. These types are difficult to work with, but the sooner you find out the more likely you will be able to take precautions of your choice to lessen or eliminate damage to your career and reputation.
Just One of My Bad Experiences
Coming and going from your home or apartment should be a reasonably mundane task but there are some of us who have had or have exceedingly bothersome neighbors. Some neighbors make it their business to know yours even when their questions and intrusions are clearly out of bounds and unwanted. Experiencing this displeasure showed me how much I am willing to take and what I will absolutely not put up with.
I have experienced a couple of neighbors who were so disrespectful that fellow neighbors would alternately cuss them out or ignore them. Their apartment was next to the only entrance/exit to the building and there were 12 apartments in the building. People could not pass them or simply get some fresh air outside without being asked probing questions or being pulled into long conversations they didn't want any part of. The man-made a point of it to attempt turning any passerby into an unpaid shrink and his "girlfriend" always begged people for things such as car rides, money, cigarettes, food, and invited herself to neighbors' apartments even when they clearly hated her. Because she did not work, she had lots of time to spare. They would actually come running outside if they weren't already out every time anyone passed their apartment doors or windows. Even in rain and snow.
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The lady asked extremely probing questions of neighbors and strangers despite their distinct standoffish body language or them actually telling her they didn't want to speak to her. I eventually had to scold this woman who is decades my senior, because she was an intrusive user and very offensive. If there was one more incident from her I too may have joined the ranks of those neighbors cussing her out every couple of days or so. I thought all this was absolutely nuts but I saw that she truly deserved it each time I witnessed it.
Once she actually told a pregnant lady she was getting fat when we were walking from our apartments to our cars. The lady had not said a word to her and was just trying to go about her business and get to her car in peace yet the nosy begging neighbor wouldn't let her pass in peace. The cussing from that pregnant woman was amongst the worst I've ever heard but I can't say I blame her at all. With that tongue lashing from the pregnant lady it was revealed that the old woman was a drug user and the "boyfriend" was nothing more than a lonely enabler further isolated because his drug user girlfriend was upsetting everyone in the building and no one wanted to be around either of them!
Other people have neighbors whom they catch looking into their homes, asking how much money they make, who is coming to their home, why they have certain visitors, why they have spouses, relatives, and friends that are of different races/ethnicities, etc. The list of potential offenses is endless but common sense and consideration are becoming increasingly uncommon and some people repeatedly ask probing questions and refuse to pay attention to other people's privacy, spoken words, or body language. If you encounter these types regularly, avoiding these people who throw themselves at you may be useful to lessen your stress levels and reclaim your time and privacy.
Particularly if you share walls or floors with the offender in an apartment, townhouse, or condo building, how you handle these types of offenses is very important. It's always best to attempt at least one or two honest and tactful discussions about your boundaries and what is causing you stress or inconvenience. Any adult that truly gives a hoot will hear you out and make an effort. Those that don't can and should suffer a taste of their own medicine or be ignored in my humble opinion.
Pay Attention to Your BS Radar
There is nothing written in stone about how to handle these types but I'd be willing to bet money that you will experience needless stress and inconvenience if you get entangled with them or allow them to infuse themselves into your life. When I was a young girl, I had it drilled into my head by a variety of people that I must be nice, cordial, and never offend others. I became a people pleaser for many years, even to my own detriment at times. I realized that I do have the right and responsibility to be assertive and speak up and let my boundaries be known so they can be adhered to.
As I've grown, I've grown tired of those who offend or force themselves onto other people or into their lives. Sometimes I experience this because of the way I look, my relationships with other people, or because someone assumes I will give them money. I'm certain that everyone already has or will encounter people that attempt to stick to them like glue until they get whatever it is they want. Often you can avoid people that throw themselves at you by paying attention to your B.S. radar.
There is already much stress in life and it's best to make as much good stress from as many positive things as you possibly can. Anticipation of getting your Bachelor's, Master's, or Ph.D. Excitement from a new business venture, job, baby, wedding date, vacation, birthday, etc. No one needs negative inconveniences or stressful interactions at the hands of someone else's selfish and disrespectful behavior. It is more than unpleasant to be around people that choose to ask probing questions, make incorrect assumptions, attempt to ride your coat tails, or steal your work/ideas to pass them off as their own. Do not waste your time around these types because they are leeches and you should never be their host.
If you don't like them or their approach, tell them so in a tactful manner as soon as possible. If other things and people are more important to you, focus on them whenever possible. When those desperate for your attention get none, they will vanish. Some have thicker skulls than others and will take longer to catch your drift, but pay little to no attention to them and they will fade away. Others may be borderline or actual stalkers and you may even need to get the police involved. I can say from years of painful personal experience that "being nice" as in not taking action to protect myself, my interests, or to express my boundaries has usually brought me more stress and nonsense than being tactfully honest at the first offense. So if you are a people pleaser, drop that mindset or at least dial it back a bit and get more assertive or you will find you have more stress when/if you interact with these types of people whether in the family, at work, or elsewhere.
Several Definitions of the Word "User"
© 2013 H C Palting