150+ Funny and Witty Answers to the Question "How Are You?"

Updated on June 13, 2019
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Cheeky Kid is a cybernaut who spends a lot of time browsing the web, grasping at infinite information and reveling in entertainment and fun.

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What to Say Instead of "Fine"

Hello, how are you?

It would be easy to answer that question with a simple “I’m fine, thank you.” Humans are very complex creatures, but we're also creatures of habit who say one thing when we mean another.

"Fine" is a boring conversation-killer. In reality, “How are you?” could be more than just a simple question—it could be an excellent way to start an interesting conversation!

If you’re the kind of person who’s fed up with the old, so-so, half-hearted replies, then this list is for you! Just pick any of these responses to breathe fresh air into your mundane conversations. Who knows, you might just be able to lead a conversation to a new place you never imagined.

Best "How Are You?" Answers

  1. Somewhere between better and best.
  2. All the better now that you asked.
  3. Oh stop it, you. (Say it like you’re receiving a compliment even though you are not. LOL)
  4. I love you. (This is a good response to fluster and catch them off-guard.)
  5. Much better now that you are with me.
  6. At minding my own business? Better than most people.
  7. I am as happy as a tick on a big, fat dog.
  8. Do you really care?
  9. Armed and ready!
  10. My lawyer says I don’t have to answer that question.
  11. What do you want? (Hahaha. This might across as rude, so use with caution.)
  12. I’ve been going through some crests and troughs in my life. Is everything stable at your end?
  13. Like you, but better.
  14. I could really go for a massage.
  15. I'd say I'm a [insert number here] out of 10.
  16. I was fine until you asked.
  17. If I were doing any better, I'd hire you to enjoy it with me.
  18. I hear good things, but you should never listen to rumors.
  19. Like a pitbull in a butcher shop [or any other outrageous simile].
  20. As fine as a maiden’s flaxen hair.

Funny Ways to Respond to "How Are You?"

  1. Overworked and underpaid.
  2. Nothing much. (This one is so trite that it takes a few moments for the humor to sink in.)
  3. I don't know, you tell me. How am I right now?
  4. Can't complain. Nobody listens to me anyway.
  5. Good enough. (This one will definitely keep them guessing.)
  6. If I were any better, I'd be you.
  7. Quite how, thank you. (This makes no sense, but it's funny.)
  8. Not so well, does that bother you?
  9. Nice and dandy like cotton candy. (Dandy rhymes with cotton candy!)
  10. I can't complain! It's against the Company Policy.
  11. Average. Not terrific, not terrible, just average.
  12. If I were any better, I'd be illegal.
  13. So far, so good!
  14. How dare you! (If you don’t have an immediate reply in mind, just say this automatically. LOL)
  15. Better now that I'm talking to you.
  16. Well, I haven't had my morning coffee yet and no one has gotten hurt, so I'd say "pretty good" at this point in time.
  17. Well, unless the weather has different plans in store.
  18. Maybe one day you'll be lucky enough to find out.

What to Say Instead of "Fine" or "Good"

  1. I have no way of knowing.
  2. Yes. (Woah there, it looks like you weren’t paying attention.)
  3. Living a dream. Please don't wake me up.
  4. At least there’s plenty of room for improvement!
  5. I'm pretty standard right now.
  6. Doing well, unless you have intentions of shooting me.
  7. Happy and content, thank you.
  8. Compared to who?
  9. Do I have to answer?
  10. Well enough to chat with you if you wish to.
  11. Going great. Hope this status quo persists for rest of the day.
  12. Physically? Mentally? Spiritually? Socioeconomically? Financially? I'm not sure how to answer that!?!
  13. Strange, and getting stranger.
  14. Not so good, but I plan on lying at my press conference.
  15. If I had a tail, I would wag it.
  16. I've heard various opinions: What's yours?
  17. How am I. . . what?
  18. Thank you for asking, though you can judge for yourself.
  19. Why do you ask? Are you a doctor?
  20. Word on the street is that I'm really good.

Witty Responses for "How Are You?" Texts

  1. I'm better than I was, but not nearly as good as I'm going to be.
  2. I think I'm doing OK. How do you think I'm doing?
  3. I can’t complain, but sometimes I still do.
  4. I am blessed!
  5. Way better than I deserve!
  6. Shhh. . . it's too early to tell.
  7. I dunno. Is it Friday yet?
  8. I don’t feel that great, but my hair looks awesome, right?
  9. I have a pulse, so I must be okay.
  10. Doing well, unless you have an airborne disease and infect me with some pathogens.
  11. I'm doing really well. [Then pause and say] "Of course, that could be my anti-depressant prescription talking."
  12. Oh, you know, every day is better than the next.
  13. Better than some, not as good as others.
  14. My psychiatrist told me not to discuss it with strangers.
  15. Medium well. (What are you, a steak?)
  16. All right so far, but there's still time for everything to go horribly wrong. (Ah, the forever pessimist.)

Surprising Answers to the Same Old Boring Question

  1. I’m trying really hard to avoid ambiguous questions at the moment.
  2. Wondering how you are.
  3. How do you think I am?
  4. I’ll leave that up to your imagination.
  5. It's a secret.
  6. Do you want the short or long version?
  7. I would be lying if I said I’m fine.
  8. I’m pretty sure I am not obligated to tell you.
  9. I’m ready for a nap. (I’m sure you are.)
  10. Surviving, I guess.
  11. Not as good as you.
  12. Holy sh*t, you can see me?! (This never fails in bringing on the chuckles.)
  13. In need of some peace and quiet.
  14. Under renovation.
  15. Remembering to stay patient.
  16. I'm sober! (Congratulations!)
  17. On a scale from one to punching someone in the face?
  18. Dancing to the rhythm of life.
  19. Imagining myself having a fabulous vacation.
  20. Horrible, now that I've met you.
  21. You do not want to know.
  22. [*just stare*]
  23. That is a really wonderful question. Ummm...
  24. Happy and you know it. [*clap your hands*]
  25. Next question, please.

Clever and Unique Responses to "How Are You?"

  1. In order to answer the question, I need to take you back about ten years. Do you have a moment?
  2. Living a life of denial and suppressed rage.
  3. Slowly but surely dying.
  4. Fair to partly cloudy.
  5. "Hey look over there!" [*punch person in the throat*] (Remember kids, do not try this at home.)
  6. Groovy!
  7. Well, I've got this rash on my left butt cheek... (Way to make the conversation a bit awkward!)
  8. Not bad. Could be better. Could be payday.
  9. I'm better on the inside than I look on the outside
  10. Great, stellar, fantastic, but dead inside.
  11. Okay, since my name wasn't in today's obituaries.
  12. Oh terrible, but I'm used to it. (I feel you, friend.)
  13. What's with all the questions? You a cop?
  14. As opposed to what?
  15. Sunshine all day long!
  16. You go first so we can compare.
  17. I'm not sure yet.
  18. Living the dream, but half the time it's a nightmare.
  19. Not quite there yet. (Where is there?)
  20. Dangerously close to fabulous.
  21. You're lookin' at it.
  22. Real terrible, thanks for asking.
  23. I am high-quality.
  24. The doctor said I'd live.

Better Answers for "What Are You Doing?"

  1. I'm sure you have that information on your screen.
  2. How much will you pay me if I tell you?
  3. Living the dream!
  4. WHY!? WHAT ARE THEY SAYING ABOUT ME? (Hahaha! Way to act suspicious of everything!)
  5. I'm taking over the world.
  6. Dying.
  7. Hunting dragons. You?
  8. I promised myself I would kill the next person who asked me that question, but I like you so I will let you live.
  9. Rolling with the punches.
  10. [*speaks gibberish*]
  11. Your attempt at social interaction is hereby acknowledged.
  12. Not today, Satan!

Source

Flirty Responses to "How Are You?"

  1. Incredibly good looking.
  2. Everything is fine with you around.
  3. I'd be better if you asked me out.
  4. Great, but I’m totally biased.
  5. How am I?! in bed? (Wait, what?!)
  6. Getting better with every passing minute.
  7. What an impertinent question to ask a girl [or guy]!
  8. Living a dream. Don't wake me up. You may join me. There's plenty of room.
  9. The best I can be. Assuming you're at your best too.
  10. I'm so great I have to sit on my hands to keep myself from clapping.

Read 100 Flirty Responses to "How Are You?" or "What's Up?" for more ideas.

How to Answer "How Are You?" When You're Not Okay

  1. I'm still sucking air.
  2. I’m completely prepared for the end of the world.
  3. They told me you would ask me that.
  4. Better than nothing.
  5. Well, I'm still alive.
  6. Could be better [then pause and say] could be worse.
  7. Somewhere between blah and meh.
  8. I’ll let you know when I figure it all out.
  9. Do you want an honest answer or the answer you were expecting?
  10. I'm vertical and breathing.
  11. Different day, same existence.
  12. Trying to get on with life, thanks. What about you?
  13. Trying not to burst into tears. I get an “A” for effort, right?
  14. Navigating the twists and turns of life. I hope yours is a straight road.
  15. Just hug me and leave it at that.

Having fun? If you know more funky replies to the "How are you?" question, feel free to add them in the comments.

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Questions & Answers

    Comments

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      • vocalcoach profile image

        Audrey Hunt 

        6 days ago from Idyllwild Ca.

        I had no idea all these choices were available to me. Great answers to an age old question.

      • profile image

        Teri 

        12 days ago

        I’ve used several of these over the years but it’s hard to keep up as I am often asked and it gets so draining I just end up going back to fine or on ok or one of those standard conditioned responses. If I know the person asking I’ll say get stuffed but not in those exact words! Now I’m smiling! That’s how am now having read these

      • profile image

        david 

        2 weeks ago

        How are you ?

        Will talk about next step after a huge hug.

      • profile image

        Sassycats54 

        6 weeks ago

        My response to “How are you?”

        Great! Just one party after another.

      • profile image

        Lori 

        2 months ago

        Mostly disappointed in these answers. My standard is "not bad for a crazy old lady"

      • profile image

        Bertha 

        2 months ago

        Someone: How are you today?

        Me: Still breathing, so I must be ok.

      • profile image

        Jae 

        3 months ago

        If someone asked me "how are u" id respond with "yesterday i was gucci so today im fendi"

      • profile image

        aido 

        3 months ago

        still clinging to the wreckage

      • profile image

        JBOD 

        4 months ago

        1 foot in the grave, the other on a banana peel!

      • profile image

        Anton Lorien 

        4 months ago

        This page was like hitting jackpot, love so many great replies.

        These are responses to How are you? my sister and I have come up with so far before seeing this page:

        How long you got?

        Pick an adjective?

        Once upon a time...

        Shall I tell you story?

        Interested in knowing how you are!

        Now look right! (Pointing at them angrily)

        Distant (Looking pensive)

        Let me get back to you

        Take a guess!

        How are you?

        Shhhhhh, go to sleep. (Said reassuringly)

      • profile image

        Violet 

        4 months ago

        Person: How are you?

        You: I don’t know, ask my therapist. My mom surely pays him/her enough

      • profile image

        Memekkdmsksk 

        4 months ago

        How to answer “how are you so far?”?

      • profile image

        Tannerjack 

        4 months ago

        As well as can be expected under the conditions that prevail.

      • profile image

        Linda 

        4 months ago

        If I was doing any better, nobody could stand me!

      • profile image

        Linda 

        4 months ago

        What do you know that I don't?

      • profile image

        vestdm 

        5 months ago

        LOL!

      • profile image

        Peg 

        5 months ago

        ______but this too shall pass.

        (Insert good, bad, happy, sad etc).

      • profile image

        Leap 

        5 months ago

        I'm rounding third and headed for home.

      • profile image

        briana 

        6 months ago

        if i was a bird i would fly into a ceiling fan if that's what you mean?

      • profile image

        RJ 

        7 months ago

        Ok. It would be even better if I could get a picture of you. So I can show Santa what I want for Christmas this year

      • profile image

        Aysell 

        7 months ago

        Yes.

      • profile image

        Jamie 

        7 months ago

        I’m hanging in there like a hair in a biscuit.

      • profile image

        Ben 

        8 months ago

        Ok. It would be even better if I could get a picture of you. So I can show Santa what I want for Christmas this year

      • profile image

        Ajpw 

        8 months ago

        Still breathing

      • profile image

        random person in the comments 

        8 months ago

        Two steps away from getting hit by a train.

      • profile image

        Jonny O 

        8 months ago

        The things that matter to me. Great!

      • profile image

        Dan 

        9 months ago

        Pretty fly for a white guy

      • profile image

        Serena 

        9 months ago

        Good Question

        Very good question

        Ok, next question.

      • profile image

        Cheyenne 

        9 months ago

        "Never better", leaves them wondering were you serious or just sarcastic.

      • profile image

        Vince 

        9 months ago

        14 eggs short of a dozen

      • profile image

        Blah 

        9 months ago

        "Awful. But thanks for asking :)"

      • profile image

        Jasmine 

        10 months ago

        I am GROOT!!!

      • profile image

        Emily 

        11 months ago

        I frequently respond “how are YOU? :)” ...because whoever asked you first has to answer & then completely disregards the fact that they asked you a question LOL. Good go-to when you don’t feel like talking much.

      • profile image

        Esha 

        11 months ago

        Alive and kicking

      • profile image

        Chaos brigade 

        11 months ago

        Currently in existence.

      • profile image

        A person 

        12 months ago

        I need to show my friends this! Lol!

      • profile image

        AS 

        13 months ago

        Reasonably Neato!

      • profile image

        Halima 

        13 months ago

        Nice question

      • profile image

        joe 

        13 months ago

        How about this "if I was any better I would have to be twins and the world not ready for that." or "Fantastic, but I'll get over it"

      • profile image

        Nosherwan 

        14 months ago

        This post just made my day, thank you!

      • profile image

        Kelly Quick Timmreck 

        15 months ago

        Losing my mind trying to find my soul.

      • profile image

        Genevieve 

        16 months ago

        I’m ready to fling myself into the sun. (And then just stare at them)

      • profile image

        Newf 

        16 months ago

        Am i retiring today?

        I'm busy figuring it out. And i'm (pause) , yup not good. (Smiles big)

      • profile image

        GM 

        18 months ago

        Instead of asking someone the trite "How are you" say "Hope you are doing well". That is not a question, but the person asked can respond if they want. Also it is an expression of positive good will towards the person you are speaking to.

      • profile image

        Samaira 

        18 months ago

        It was incredibly amazing!

      • profile image

        zaniyar 

        19 months ago

        thank you for your cool answer but you know i want some answer that i can tell to my teacher you know what i mean a little more polite but fun

      • profile image

        threekeys 

        22 months ago

        Light and fun. I enjoyed it. I may just try a few of these:)

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