Facebook Is Turning Women Into Jealous, Raging Monsters
Ladies, Facebook is turning you into a jealous raging monster. Now, granted, maybe you are a pretty jealous raging monster, but you are becoming a jealous raging monster, regardless. You wish you could be like all those happy women that are totally put together, always smiling and in love with sunshine and rainbow baby unicorns surrounding you.
Ignoring the two hundred women on your list who don't do anything, you focus on that one who became a lawyer and moved to L.A., seemingly living a life of wild independence and pleasure (never minding that to get to that point she mostly lost a decade of her life.) Forgetting that every woman you know is stressed to the max, you see an image of your old friend parasailing and think everyday is a new adventure for her. Why am I stuck in a rut? Must be nice to have so much freedom. I wish I had the [money, time, beach house, etc.] to do that.
But these small peeks into the lives of our friends and acquaintances through Facebook are just that: filtered glimpses into a world that isn't nearly what it seems. I have decided to break down some basic Facebook truths for women in 'Did You Know' categories that are obvious to us all but apparently forgotten when the green eyes of jealousy take hold of us.
Did You Know That Women Don’t Share Hideous Photos of Themselves on Facebook?
The next time you see a woman taking a selfie of herself in the morning, having just awaken with no makeup on, will be the first time. Even if you do see a picture of a woman making a stupid face or looking haggard, she’s probably so hot that even without makeup she still has top tier looks. It reminds me of that Colbie Caillat video where none of the women have make-up on and Colbie is singing about how beautiful they all are . . . easy for her to say. She is beautiful without makeup. It’s just like super fit people telling others to wear bikinis or shorts or whatever else and to just ‘feel good about yourself and be proud of who you are!’ No.
Back to my point – women do not share ugly pictures of themselves. Why would they? “Here I am looking like crap! Lol, I’m not pretty or desirable.” The days of taking 24 pictures on a Kodak roll and having to just live with the results are over. Now, women can take 10,000 pictures of themselves on a phone from every Algebraic angle that they’ve forgotten and find the one that does not make them look like a Gorgon sister. With the golden photo chosen, they then throw out some blurb that makes it appear as though the entire process were somehow natural, like “I hate getting ready for work!” The implication is that they are gorgeous before their modest routine of starting the day. Now, that is the truth with a lot of women – many don’t need makeup to look good . . . but many also look pretty bad without it so let’s not pretend that everyone on your friends’ list is Emily Blunt (or dare I invoke the name of Colbie Caillat once more?!) Naturally, other women see this, assume it is 100% accurate, and remind themselves of how shockingly ugly they are in comparison. Lies.
Did You Know That Women Can Now Correct Their Flaws?
This one is a bit more hit-or-miss and I say that choking back laughter. Deception has been taken to a whole new level with Photoshop and the now, ever-present, photo booth applications that let women air-brush, blend, smear, reduce, twist, contort, and smash their faces in any manner they’d like. Double-up the rouge, crank the contrast and add a blurry filter and you’ve muddied the waters just enough to where that manatee looks like a mermaid. Even further, women cut out chunks of their necks, enlarge their eyebrows, blow up their boobs, and take a photographic ax to their love handles. The end result is either a Hollywood version of themselves or, to my earlier statement, a comically bad edit that’s akin to a Japanese interpretation of an American street sign. That is, you can tell who the person is and what they are attempting to do but the results are so bad that you actually feel embarrassed for them.
I won’t speak to that latter group that hurt nobody but themselves. I will say that the other women though, the ones who actually know what they are doing on a computer, are terrorizing other women and bringing collective self-esteems down to Eeyore levels. The women who are attractive and then amplify their goodness by doing this just compile the problem. Gals, it’s time we got serious, here: other women are hand picking their photos and then sprucing them up. They are not leagues more beautiful than you, even if you are sitting there in your pajamas with coffee-stained teeth. They just had the motivation to make an above-average picture of themselves.
Quite honestly, I hate those sorts of photos that women take from their driver’s seat or in front of the mirror because those are the very ones that they alter to the ends of the Earth. I prefer pictures where they are with groups of friends or doing some activity because the focus is less on them and more on the scene – the story, if you will – and it is in those moments that you can see them for who they truly are . . .
But half of the time they edit those, too, so whatever.
Did You Know That a Single Statement Does Not Indicate a Life Trend?
So many women, who would never otherwise lift a finger, decide on a self-deprecating whim that they are going to go to the gym! After a few weeks of pumping themselves up about the impending workout and picking out the perfect stretchy pants for it, they finally take the plunge and hit the fitness center. “Up at 4 and heading to the gym. Let’s do this!” Now, without professional polling or actual statistics, I will say that one out of every billion women that post that will actually go to the gym a second time. Even fewer actually continue going beyond that BUT, the statement has already been laid out there. Sally Sue, the girl who has never seen the south side of 200, is going to the gym? If SHE has the motivation to go, what does that mean for me? Suddenly you feel worthless because you didn’t wake up with the rest of mother nature’s nocturnal assembly and go use a treadmill for forty minutes but what you don’t acknowledge is that Sally Sue will be in bed the next day, snoring away with the rest of us. Either way, it doesn’t matter. Women will convince themselves that every other woman on the planet is losing weight and turning into insatiable goddesses while they sit around eating chocolate. Not true, darling.
Did You Know That Most Women Do Not Make Amazing Meals Every Night?
Because both spouses have to work in our freedom-hating modern world, there isn’t time to eat lamb chops on a Tuesday or stuffed manicotti on a Thursday. I’m fairly certain Hamburger Helper has been lobbying for women’s rights in Congress - they know how much cash there is to be made from two parents that literally have no more than fifteen minutes to cook a meal during the week. So, with that being said, most people are eating boxed trash during the week. That’s a fact that you don’t need to look up.
All of this is fine, I guess (not really,) but then there is that one woman who takes the day off work and determines that she is going to make slow-cooked crock pot pork ribs smothered in home-made honey-mustard BBQ sauce with zesty, hand-peeled and twisted potatoes and steamed green beans with some sort of fruity puree. Of course, when this Michelin-star meal is finished, she spruces up one plate to look like an Outback Steakhouse commercial and snaps a picture, sharing it for all the world to see. She will list every single item on the plate in bloated detail to make the meal sound even more monumental than it already looks and finishes off her statement with an ‘mmmm,’ as if to say, “you wish you were as devoted and amazing a cook as I am.”
The other women on her friends’ list then look at the package of creamed tuna guts that they had planned for the evening and make themselves out to be some abject failure that is nutritionally abusing their children. I wish I had the time or skills to cook that! Well, guess what – that woman who posted it doesn’t have that time or skill, either. She had to specifically go out and buy the ingredients, recreate the meal, step-by-step from a recipe, and take off an entire day of work and lose vacation time to pull it off. All because she didn’t want to eat cheese noodles for the fifth night in a row, either.
Did You Know That Other Women Think They Are Horrible Mothers Just as Often as You?
No mother is going to share all the horrifying things that their children say and do because that reflects bad parenting (which isn’t true but when we’re talking judgementalism – a word I totally made up – then the natural assumption is cranky kid = Norman Bates upbringing.) Instead, we are treated to a never ending stream of funny things kids do, family pictures of everyone smiling, and precious memories of cute moments. But what about the time your kid said a swear word at an old lady in the store? Or when they screamed ‘no’ and disrespected you? Or refused to go to bed? Or didn’t eat their food? Or laughed at you when you cried? Or mooned some other kids during Sunday school? No, we won’t discuss these matters, just like anything else that makes us appear less than perfect (or, in other words, ‘human.’) The competition between women is fierce enough as it is but when you add the element of ‘motherhood’ to the equation, the barbed-wire bats are traded in for chainsaws. Every mother wants to be the best and most feel inadequate . . . but it really doesn’t help when the science fair comes around and your girlfriend and her son are fabricating a light bulb from raw tungsten while you and your kid submit a potato that looks like Yoda.
There are two main reasons why some mothers can appear more involved or why their kids have an art project head and shoulders above the rest. One, stay-at-home mothers (who, yes, are just as busy as the rest of us) are afforded the freedom devoting time to these very sorts of things. If you work all day, you cannot make your daughter a dress because you literally have no time at night between dinner, baths, and bedtime. Meanwhile, a stay at home mother can devote time to the children from the moment they come home to their bedtime, an additional three to four hours.
Second, a lot of mothers are so wrapped up in how they come across to other mothers that they cannot live with anything less than perfection. Do you know what is “less than perfection?” Anything your child tries to make. Tell them to craft a replica of the Earth and they’ll bring you a tinfoil ball with used cotton swabs sticking out of it. You’ll wonder how they could actually take pride in such a thing and then just make one yourself because, well, your kid can’t look stupid to the other mothers – that would mean YOU are stupid. But let’s face facts, if all the other moms weren’t making paper-mâché globes, their kids’ projects would look just as awful, if not worse. Let’s stop this farce – if you are not abusing or neglecting your children, then chances are you are doing as good a job at parenting as anybody else and your kid is not intellectually stunted because of it.
Finally, Did You Know That Other Women Do Not Lead Perfect Lives?
Did you know that some women have marriages and relationships in shambles? Or that some are fighting addictions or are having embarrassing health issues? "Went to the doctor’s today and found out I have HPV – glad I slept with those two dudes over the weekend!”
People are shocked when women announce they are getting a divorce because, for all the happy and perfect moments that they share online, there is no reason to believe there is anything wrong. Women aren’t going to announce to the world that their husband has been cheating on them for months.
Or that they are three payments overdue on their mortgage.
Or that their child is in one of the lowest percentiles in the classroom.
Or that their mother is sick.
Or that a pipe broke in their house and flooded the house.
Or that they just got a written notice at work.
And it’s all to look good in front of each other – a problem that extends to both sexes and all ages. We will find the good in between all of those bad and post about it, not because we are being overly positive or optimistic but because we can’t let the outside world see our struggles. It’s why women will post anytime a man buys them flowers or sends them a card or does something sickeningly sweet. Do you really think that guy does that all the time? If he did, the woman wouldn’t give a crap enough to post a picture about it. Chances are high that he screwed up in some way (either minor or colossal) and bought those flowers so, for context, let’s remember the 364 days of the year where that woman doesn’t post about her man. The reason why is because their relationship is so mediocre, getting flowers is some extravagant display of affection. Every time I do something great for my wife and she doesn’t post about it, I know that I’ve done a great job of being a long-term husband, not just some one-day-a-year romantic that comes along as often as a solar eclipse. If I buy her a Butterfinger and she goes onto social media to declare it, our relationship is either in openly bad shape or silently souring under the surface (or maybe she’s just extremely grateful for that peanut-buttery, crispity-crunch.) The point remains: only the good is on exhibit.
In spite of what I’ve written, and the fact that you know it is all true . . . well, excluding that one gorgeous friend who is naturally put together and actually IS most of the things she puts on display . . . women worldwide will still log in to their social media accounts, look at the tsunami of their girlfriends looking beautiful, having fun, saving the world, and making perfect meals all at once and think I wish I were [insert jealous thought.] But you need to stop it because it is a lie. You don’t need to prove to them how well you are doing – you just need to remind yourself that you’re OK, or not, just like everyone else.