A Comprehensive List of the Best Comebacks and Funniest Insults

Updated on June 5, 2018
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Cheeky Kid is a cybernaut. He spends a lot of time browsing the web, grasping at infinite information and reveling in entertainment and fun.

A Comprehensive List of the Best Comebacks and Funniest Insults
A Comprehensive List of the Best Comebacks and Funniest Insults

Do you always find yourself trapped in a silly argument with friends and enemies? If yes, then this list shall be your glorious redemption!

I’m guessing that there were times when you were in the middle of a nonsensical argument and you couldn’t help but remain silent and get overwhelmed by the situation. It’s understandable—I know you were lost for words and caught in a daze!

But fear not!

This list of funny insults and sarcastic comebacks will prepare you for your next battle! Be they friends, enemies, bullies, wackoes—they won’t have anything against a thoroughly sharpened tongue! Never let anyone talk down on you because you’re the boss!

Advisory: This list was created out of fun and amusement. Always practice discretion. Remember that everything is fun and games until someone gets hurt. We don’t want anyone getting hurt, do we? Use this list only when it’s necessary. After all, arming yourself with great comebacks is better than being unarmed. Happy roasting!

1. You aren’t worth the dust that the wind is blowing on your face.

2. I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you.

3. I would like to leave you with one thought, but I’m not sure if you have anywhere to store it in.

4. My life may be a joke, but it’s not as funny as your face.

5. It must be hard putting makeup on your two faces.

6. Awww...it’s cute when you try to talk about things you don’t understand.

7. May the chocolate chips in your cookies always turn out to be raisins.

8. Too bad you can’t photoshop an ugly personality.

9. You look like something that came out of a slow cooker.

10. Sometimes, I wish I was deaf so your grammar wouldn’t bother me so much.

11. If you’re gonna be a smartass, first you have to be smart. Otherwise, you’re just an ass.

12.What you lack in intelligence, you more than make up for in stupidity.

13. Seriously, your mouth is so foul! Should I offer you a tic-tac or a toilet paper?

14. You see that door? I want you on the other side of it.

15.Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

16. Isn’t this a battle of wits? You appear to be unarmed.

17. Some people bring joy wherever they go. You, on the other hand, bring joy whenever you go.

18. If I had a dollar for every brain you don’t have, I’d have a dollar.

19. Let's go to the zoo. I've always wanted to meet your family.

20. Somewhere out there, there's a tree working very hard to produce oxygen so that you can breathe. I think you should go and apologize to it.

21. I’m so jealous of all the people that haven’t met you yet.

22. You’re like the end pieces of a loaf of bread. Everyone touches you, but nobody wants you.

23. Your ass must be jealous of all the sh*t that’s coming out of your mouth.

24. Your face is just fine, but you’ll have to put a bag over that personality.

25. Did you fall from heaven? Because so did Satan!

26. I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel.

27. Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize my happiness makes you so miserable.

28. May you always step on a wet spot after putting on fresh socks.

29. I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter.

30. You need a kiss...on the neck...from a crocodile.

31. If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in good shape.

32. I hear there’s a new app called “Sense of Humor.” Please download it.

33. I’m sorry for hurting your feelings, I thought you already knew you were stupid.

34. I thought of you today, and it pissed me off.

35. Here’s a tissue, you have a little piece of sh*t on your lips.

36. Who ate your bowl of sunshine this morning, thundercloud?

37. If you’re going to wait for me to care, I hope you brought something to eat—because it’s probably going to take you a really long time.

38. Know your role, shut your hole!

39. Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything!

40. Mind if I ask where the OFF button for your mouth is?

41. Of all the mistakes in the world, you are the mistakiest!

42. Sometimes, it’s better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you’re stupid rather than open it and remove all doubt.

43. May your life be as pleasant as you are.

44. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’m guessing it’s hard to pronounce.

45. Stupidity is not a crime, so you’re free to go.

46. 2 words, 1 finger. Do the math!

47. Keep talking...I’m diagnosing you.

48. I’d insult you, but then I’d have to explain it afterwards, so never mind.

49. I don’t understand your specific kind of ‘stupidity,’ but I do admire your total commitment to it.

50. If stupid could fly, you’d be a jet.

51. Look at the time, it’s time for you to shut the f*ck up!

52. If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.

53. I will ignore you so hard you will start doubting your existence.

54. Long story short, because you wouldn’t be able to follow with the long one.

55. I expected an intellectual conversation, but it seems there’s no one around to have that with.

56. Whenever I see you, middle finger gets an erection.

57. And by ‘K.’ I meant ‘F*ck you!’

58. I’m sorry, was that meant to offend me? The only thing offending me right now though is your face.

59. Feed your own ego. I’m busy.

60. I’m busy, you’re ugly. Have a nice day.

61. ‘Pew! Pew! Pew!’ That’s the sound of me deflecting your whiny b*tching with my happiness shield.

62. If you’re going to act like a turd, go lay on the yard.

63. I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you.

64. Now I know why everyone talks about you behind your back.

65. Since narcissistic is such a big word for you, how about asshole? You know what an asshole is, right?

66. I’m sorry I didn’t get that. I don’t speak bullsh*t.

67. I’ve met several pricks before, but you sir are a cactus.

68. You look like a ‘before’ picture.

69. May both sides of your pillow be uncomfortably warm.

70. You couldn’t handle me even if I came with instructions.

71. Why is it acceptable for you to be an idiot but not for me to point it out?

72. Are you afraid that zombies will eat your brain? Nah, you’ll be fine.

73. You fear success, but you really have nothing to worry about.

74. There’s no need to repeat yourself. I ignored you the first time.

75. I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.

76. I told my therapist about you.

77. The trash gets picked up early tomorrow. Be ready.

78. You’re giving me the silent treatment? Finally!

79. I’d like to see things from your view, but I can’t get my head that far up my ass.

80. You shouldn’t act hard-to-get when you’re already hard-to-like.

81. Here, let me wash the stupid right off of you. Oh wait, it’s not coming off.

82. You’re not pretty enough to be that stupid.

83. I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse.

84. If you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless.

85. If everyone was like you, the human race would lose faith in the world.

86. I’d love to kill you with kindness, but all I have is this chainsaw.

87. I’m sorry, you’ve mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.

88. You must think you’re strong, but you only smell strong.

89. In order to insult me, I must first value your opinion. Nice try though.

90. If I wanted to talk to you, I would have called you first.

91. I may not be perfect, but at least I’m not you.

92. I don’t argue with idiots. They will just lower me to their level, then beat me with experience.

93. I heard your parents took you to a dog show and you won.

94. The last time I saw something like you, I flushed it.

95. I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

96. You are about to exceed the limits of my medication.

97. Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.

98. If I wanted a b*tch, I would have purchased a dog.

99. I love the sound you make when you shut up.

100. I don’t remember asking for your opinion.

101. I can only please one person a day. Today isn’t your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

102. Beauty is skin deep, but ugly is to the bone.

103.Whoever told you to be yourself simply couldn’t have given you worse advice.

104. Okay, let me file what you just said under ‘I couldn’t care less.’

105. If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.

106. If you don't like my opinion of you—improve yourself!

107. Are you naturally this dumb or do you have to put in effort?

108. It’s such a beautiful day to leave me alone. Scram!

109. Ever since I saw you in your family tree, I've wanted to cut it down.

110. Goeth & fucketh thyself!

111. How long did it take you to come up with that one?

112. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I'd be broke.

113. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

114. I would slap you but sh*t splatters, and that would be too much of a mess.

115. Please cancel my subscription to your issues.

116.You are not as bad as people say. You are much, MUCH worse!

117. Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people in the world.

118. There’s only one thing that keeps me from breaking you in half—I don’t want two of you around!

119.You are so ugly that when you looked in the mirror, your reflection walked away.

120. Shit happens. I mean, look at your face.

121. Just because I’m smiling doesn’t mean I don’t want to hit you in the face.

122. I would love to insult you, but that would be beyond the level of your intelligence.

123. I’d give you a nasty look, but I see you've already got one.

124. I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.

125. I hope you step on a LEGO.

126. You are like the sun—not because you light up my world, but because it hurts to look at you.

127. If what you don't know can't hurt you, you're invulnerable.

128. Were you born this stupid, or did you take lessons?

129. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem!

130. Someday, you'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

131. So if I typed ‘idiot’ into Google image search, would your picture come up?

132. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

133. Awww...my middle finger likes you.

134. I’ve been called worse by better people.

135. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

136. You consistently set low expectations and fail to achieve them.

137. You know what’s funny? Not you, so shut up!

138. Before you tell me what I did wrong, you should first know that I don’t care.

139. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

140. Normally, people live and learn. You, on the other hand, just live.

141. Sorry for the mean, awful accurate things I said.

142. Brains aren't everything. In your case, they're nothing.

143. If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I would have farted.

144. I would ask you how old you are, but I know that you can't count that high.

145. When your mom dropped you off at school, she got apprehended by the authorities for littering.

146. Life is full of disappointments, and I just added you to the list.

147. Don't you love nature despite what it did to you?

148. Did your parents ever ask you to run away?

149.There's only one problem with your face, I can see it.

150. Shock me, say something intelligent.

151. I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.

152. I’m not rude. I just speak what everyone else is thinking of you.

153. I hope you lose weight so there will be less of you!

154. Your brain has two parts—the 'left' and the 'right'. On the left side, there's nothing right. On the right side, there's nothing left.

155. You smell like drama and headache. Please stay away from me!

156. Oops, my bad. I could’ve sworn I was dealing with an adult.

157. I have seen bread smarter than you.

158. On your mark, get set, go f*ck yourself!

159. I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you’ve never used it.

160. You speak an infinite deal of nothing.

161. ABRACADABRA! Nope, you’re still a b*tch.

162. I can tell when you’re lying. Your lips are moving.

163. My alone time is meant for your safety.

164. I get so emotional when you’re not around. The emotion is happiness, by the way.

165. I tried to put myself in your shoes, but they were cheap and ugly just like you.

167. It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.

168. You’re giving me the douchebumps.

169. I didn’t know that answering a question was considered ‘talking back.’

170. I desire that we be better strangers.

171. Anyone who ever said they loved you lied.

172. I’m sorry you got offended that one time you were treated the exact way you treat everyone all the time.

173. Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?

174. I hope your day becomes filled with people like you.

175. If I were a bird, you’d be the first person I’d poop on.

176. I may be fat, but fat can be burned. Ugly, on the other hand, is much more difficult to fix.

177. How do you keep yourself from not choking on the constant flow of bullsh*t that’s coming out of your mouth? You are seriously amazing!

178. Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.

179. Keep talking. Who knows, someday you might be able to say something intelligent.

180. Jealousy is a disease. Get well soon!

181. Whenever we hang out, I remember that God really does have a sense of humor.

182. It’s okay if you disagree with me. I can’t force you to be right.

183. You should introduce your upper lip to your lower lip sometime and shut up!

184. I wanna give you a high five...on the face...with a hammer.

185. Even dogs don’t like you.

186. The only thing I don’t like about you is that constant inhaling and exhaling habit you have.

187. I’m not bossy. I just know what you should be doing.

188. You deserve a hug...around the neck...with a rope.

189. I'd make a joke about your mother, but you being here has already done that for me.

190. I’m not arguing. I’m simply explaining why I’m right.

191. They say: “You are what you eat.” How much crap did you eat this morning?

192. You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will probably be stupid anyway.

193. Remember when I asked for your opinion? Yeah, me neither.

194. Me, jealous of you? Bless your delusional heart!

195. Life’s a b*tch. Oh no, wait. That’s you.

196.Life is full of disappointments, just ask your parents.

197.Can you die of constipation? I ask because I’m worried about how full of sh*t you are.

198. You’re the reason nobody likes you.

199. There’s someone for everyone, and the person for you is a psychiatrist.

200. If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet.

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