Three Things You MUST Let Go of to Attract a Great Man

Attracting a great man into your life and making him fall in love with you can be a very difficult task for a lot of women today. Men are sometimes very unwilling to get involved in loving and committed relationships and often seem as though they want to have their cake and eat it too.

So, what are some ways that you as a woman to improve your chances of finding an amazing man and getting him to commit to you?

I am glad you asked! For in this lens I am going to share with you three things that you absolutely MUST let go of in order to attract a great man.

Each of the three things which I'm going to discuss will poison your chances of ever being with a great man (at least for very long).

Okay, let's get started:

The first thing that you must let go of is:

1. Your Agenda

Your agenda is what you personally want from a relationship with a man (other than just love), which might be things like marriage, kids, financial security, social respectability ...

Instead, you need to let go of this list of items and treat every man you might be interested in as a real human being (rather than a possible means to an end) - focusing on how you can enlarge him and make his life better.

Offer value before you try to take any (but no, I'm not saying that you need to allow men to use you eg. for no-strings-attached sex).

I can tell you that women with big agendas are easy to spot - as a man you just feel that you're being sized up to fit into some role, and this is not attractive.

It is probably similar to how you as a woman might feel when a man clearly has an agenda of his own that he's trying to push - to get you in the sack (as quickly as possible).

You just want to resist this, don't you?

These days, men (especially successful ones) are very wary of the female equivalent of this, who has no real interest in them as a person - who just wants to latch on and use them.

And with the divorce rate now so high, men are often extremely concerned that if they commit to a woman she could leave at any time she wants with half their money, take their kids away from them, and then extract ridiculous amounts of child support from them for many years (if they are a high income earner).

Obviously, I'm not saying that these are your intentions - probably far from it!

But what I am saying is that these fears do feel extremely real to men - that so much can be taken off them if they commit to the wrong woman.

As a result, they are ever on the lookout for women with clear agendas (maybe even a bit paranoid!!!) which seem to be the main drivers of these women's interest. And this can cause men to either avoid or delay entering into commitment.

Due to all this, it is very important to let go of any agenda that you may have (at least initially) and trust that if you find a great guy he will give you everything you want and need - if things progress further. Otherwise you might scare guys off.

Okay, I do understand for instance that women don't have as long as men to have kids etc; but trying push men into relationships with you because of this will be counterproductive. They will just back away from you and then you will have to start over again.

The reason that men are quite turned off by women with "ticking biological clocks" is because such women can come across as desperate and a bit pushy.

Furthermore, it seems less believable that they actually have fallen in love with the guy. Rather, the man suspects that such a woman only intends to use him.

This is probably a major reason why many men prefer to go for younger women, since these women often don't seem to be pushing for anything - they are usually more interested in just enjoying life and having fun along the way. This IS what men are looking for in a woman.

Of course, at a particular time in their lives most men will also want to have kids with the right woman. So when you are the right woman he will probably be more than willing to give you what you want in this area.

Some Practical Things to Do (and Not to Do)

Okay, this has been a bit abstract so far, hasn't it? But what are some practical things to do and not to do?

Firstly, just relax and don't try to push for anything.

Secondly, try to see where the man is coming from and what his particular wants and needs are from a relationship. If you are able, try to focus more on these than your own.

Secondly, it is a good idea not to ask a man probing questions too early in the relationship (especially on the first couple of dates!)

For example, don't ask very specific questions about his job/career, how much he earns, whether he wants kids (and if so, when and how many), and where he sees himself going etc.

Also, I would say that it is best not to ask him how old he is. You should be able to work that out indirectly anyway - by other things he says, or maybe by looking at his Facebook profile.

All of these types of things can raise red flags in a man's mind, even if your motives for asking are entirely pure, such as to make a bit of conversation and be genuinely interested in him.

Focus more on enjoying his company and having fun rather than putting him through a job interview.

Things will then naturally progress if the two of you are a good fit for each other.

But how can you be a good fit for a man?

Well, this comes down to knowing what men are looking for and being such a woman.

I have given you some clues throughout this module which should be very useful in this regard.

However, just letting go of your agenda is usually not going to work all by itself. For the shy girl in the corner doesn't appear to have any agenda, but men will probably still not flock to her. Men are clearly looking for a lot of other things.

What letting go of your agenda will do is keep you in the game and give you the chance to display your other attractive qualities as a woman.

And if you would like to discover exactly what some of these qualities are and how you can employ them to be the "right woman" for any given man (more often than not), then I suggest that check out my article:

2. Your Story

In the last module we discussed how you need to let go of your agenda, which is what you're wanting personally from a relationship with a man.

Now we are going to look at the second thing you need to let go of which is your story.

Your story could be a major barrier to you meeting, attracting and marrying your Mr Right.

What do I mean by "your story"?

Your story is the past (negative) experiences you've had which you turn into truths (or beliefs). And this applies to every area of your life - including your relationships with men.

For example, if you've had men use you for sex in the past, part of your story might be that "men are only interested in getting laid" or "men will say just about anything to get a woman to go home with them".

Another example might be that men haven't paid you much attention in the past and instead have passed you over for some of your prettier friends.

You story might then include the belief, "Men are shallow and only go for the pretty girls."

[By the way, men also have their own versions of these things going on.

You have probably come across men who clearly have deep-seated issues with women.

The reason is that they have been hurt by women in the past and have formed stories around these experiences which they have generalized.]

But the problem with having negative beliefs about men like the ones I've mentioned above is that you bring them to each new relationship with a man and this can set you up for failure every time.

In some part of your mind, each new guy you come across is guilty of the same offence that some man in the past committed against you (and he can feel it).

He can sense your hurt, anger and deep suspicion, and this is not attractive. It has the potential to scare many decent men off.

Men don't want to be around angry women who make them feel guilty - just for being men.

What You Need to Do

What you need to do is make a conscious decision to let go of your story regarding men (every woman has one) and give every new man a fair chance to prove over time that he is worthy of your attention, love and respect.

In other words, give him the right to be innocent until proven guilty, NOT guilty until proven innocent!

Of course though, I'm not saying that you should ignore any clear warning signs that a guy is going to use and mistreat you.

For example, if a guy is unusually smooth there is every chance that he could be a player, who has absolutely no intention of ever being in a proper relationship with you.

But don't rush immediately to judgment and don't treat every guy who shows interest in you as a player - that is all I'm saying.

Treat a guy on the basis of his conduct towards you, not what some other guy did five years ago.

Start Creating a Positive Story

Furthermore, I would like you to start creating a positive story regarding men (as opposed to the negative one which you probably have now).

Think back over your experiences with men and pick out the best ones you've had. Then, try to generalize these.

Remember the time some boy in your class spent all his allowance on taking you to the movies when you were 14.

Remember one of your previous boyfriends who was such a gentleman that he always ran around and opened car doors for you and gave you his jacket when it was cold etc.

And what about the nice guy who stopped to help you when you had a flat tire in the middle of nowhere?

Just on the basis of these three experiences, you could reason that men are giving, chivalrous, and admirable.

When you focus on your positive experiences with men and turn these into a new story, you will start have a completely different attitude toward men. Even if it was pretty good before, it will now be great!

As a result, I'm sure you'll find that your future experiences with men will be a lot more positive (on average) than they have ever been before.

Men will treat you a lot differently than they have in the past and you should start to have much more success with them romantically.

This is because when men notice that you like and appreciate them very much, they will respond in kind towards you.


3. Your Fear of Being Rejected and Hurt by Men

In the last two modules of this lens we went over how you need to let go of both your agenda and your story regarding men and relationships.

Now we are going to look at the third thing you need to let go of, which is your fear of being rejected and hurt by men. It is incredibly important that you let go of these things.

Naturally as human beings we try to protect ourselves from being rejected and hurt by others. And this is especially true in relationships.

The problem though is that if we try to protect ourselves in the wrong ways, it will sabotage our success.

It is of course completely appropriate that you never give a man 100% access to your heart and life before he has proved that he is trustworthy. For some men will use and abuse you if you give them half a chance.

However, the wrong way of protecting yourself is by building brick walls around your life so that no man can get through.

What are ways that women build walls around themselves?

1. Never taking a risk at showing a man interest

Firstly, they build a wall around themselves by never taking a risk at showing a man interest before he comes over and either asks them out or tries to get their number.

My experience has been that almost all women try to hide the fact that they are interested in certain men, most or all of the time (at least enough interest that a man can detect) - which is a big mistake in terms of attracting men as I argue here:

To be honest, each and every one of us has probably done this at particular times, because we are afraid that if we show interest in the other person and they don't reciprocate we will be humiliated.

This causes a problem though in that when you adopt such an approach, you then rely on the other person to bear all the risk in the initial phase.

Men, like women, are terrified of being rejected, and because of this they are very rarely willing to go over and ask out a woman who has shown absolutely no discernable interest in them.

What this means is that you will miss out on probably more than 99% of your chances with men (unless maybe you are extremely good looking - which can be enough to push many men out of their comfort zones and take a risk).

I believe that your job as a woman is to at least make eye contact with a man and smile at him if you like him. It is his job to come over, talk to you and get your number.

I discuss this in far more detail here: What Men Want, where I give you a set of highly effective tricks and tactics for meeting men and getting them to ask you out - with minimal risk on your part. You might also want to check out: This contains more tips on drawing in the men you want.

2. Reject a man before he has a chance to reject you

A second thing I have noticed that many women do is adopt the approach, "I'm going to reject you before you have a chance to reject me".

For a while in my own life as I was learning to become better with women, I came up against this.

I thought that it would be easier to get a date with someone who was more average in terms of their attraction (eg. a "5" or "6" on the scale), rather than someone who I thought might be a bit out of my league.

Don't misunderstand me though, it was not a case of me just going for the "ugly chick". I still did feel attraction for these women and was open to things going further if we clicked.

But how wrong I was!

I usually got brushed off by these women. And I started to think that there must be something wrong with me if I couldn't even get a date with someone average.

However, as time when on I did approach some women I found hotter and got much different reactions from them.

In fact, I found that many of the women I was very attracted to felt something for me as well.

And as my confidence improved I sometimes noticed these women indicating their interest to me first.

It then became clear to me that if these more desirable women were attracted to me, the other women were probably only rejecting me because of their own low self-esteem - they didn't feel that they deserved me.

The fear such a woman has is that if she accepts a guy's invitation for a date and they get into a relationship, he is going to eventually figure out that there is something wrong with her and dump her - maybe because a lot of other guys have in the past (this is obviously closely related to her story).

Therefore, if she rejects a guy's advances she avoids the risk of being rejected and at the same time it appears to others that she sets high standards in terms of men (implying that she believes she has high value).

While this is an easy way to protect oneself from hurt, it is not a great way to get intimacy from another person. In fact, it is a sure way to remain alone.

To ever enjoy love and intimacy with a man, you need to risk rejection and hurt; there is no other way around it.

Love and intimacy with another human being always means making yourself vulnerable to them. You can't enjoy these things by playing safe.

3. Acting indifferent to a man's interest

A third way that women build walls around themselves is that they often appear a bit indifferent during the initial part of the relationship - the period from the initial meeting until the first few dates.

What they will do is act disinterested or as though they have many more important things going on in their lives. And sometimes as a man you get the impression that they think they are doing you a favor by giving you any of their time and attention.

For example, they will be hard to reach, they won't return every call or text, they will never call or text first, and they will be hard to pin down for a date. [Okay, I do understand that this is sometimes how women try to give guys the hint that they are not interested.]

Basically, this is the sort of stuff that you get taught to do in "The Rules" to get a man chasing you.

Yes it is good to have a life and be busy, but quality men can see through games like these and will move on to someone else.

Again this sort of approach comes out of a fear of being rejected. You have to pretend to not be overly interested to protect yourself and hopefully make the man think that he's onto a catch.

Sorry though, it doesn't work this way. What you will actually do is attract emotionally unhealthy men and repel the healthy ones.

The emotionally unhealthy men will chase after you because you make it hard for them. They thrive on games of scarcity and will try to win over women who have withheld their full approval.

However those that are emotionally healthy will usually not continue on when they are treated in this way.

They are used to being treated with full respect by others and don't care if a woman withholds her approval of them, since they are secure in themselves and know that they can easily just meet someone else.

Therefore the lesson in this is that when a man you're attracted to you starts pursuing you, don't run! And don't try to be "too cool for school".

Instead, show him some warm and genuine interest, but without going to the other extreme of jumping up and down in front of him and pumping your fist like you've just won $78m in the lottery (it goes without saying doesn't it!!!).

4. Pretending to be someone you're not

The final way that women try to avoid rejection and hurt by building walls around themselves is by pretending that they're someone they're not.

These women are afraid that if they reveal the real "me", the man will reject them. As a result, they put on a false persona - one that they think the guy will like more.

Okay, I do get it that we all try to put our best foot forward initially. However, there is no use in trying to portray ourselves as someone completely different from who we really are.

It is draining to maintain the charade. And eventually our true self will come out ...

Again, we need to risk being ourselves because this is the only way we can ever enjoy true love and intimacy with another human being.


In conclusion, if you want to attract a great man into your life, it is vital that you let go of these three things:

1. Your Agenda

Your agenda is what you are seeking for yourself from a relationship with a man. Try instead to give value to a man first before you attempt to take any.

2. Your Story

Your story is the past negative experiences you've had with men and relationships which you turn into truths or beliefs. It is best to let go of these and in their place form a new story consisting of positive experiences regarding your interactions with men.

3. Your Fear of Being Rejected and Hurt by Men

Your fear of being rejected and hurt by men causes you to form a brick wall around yourself, such that no man can enter through. However, if you ever want to enjoy love and intimacy with a man you need to take a risk of being rejected and hurt. There is no other way around this.


Left unchecked, each of these things will push men away from you and cause you to have far less dating and relationships success than you could have otherwise had.

New Guestbook Comments 1 comment

Jennifer Mugrage profile image

Jennifer Mugrage 7 months ago from Columbus, Ohio

Excellent Hub. Very insightful. I don't know why it has no comments.

It might not always be possible to really let go of our story, but we can make an effort.

Also, sometimes we act indifferent at first because we honestly aren't sure how we feel about the guy - yet.

I once dated a great guy and I was feeling really torn because he was obviously more into me than I was into him. It wasn't that I didn't like him ... I just wasn't sure. He picked up on this and very kindly said, "You don't have to declare yourself yet. Let ME take the risks." He is now my husband.

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