CL Grant has authored many relationship books, including "30 Day No Contact Rule," "The Reality of Being the Other Woman," and "Ex Addict."
Are You Dating a Loser?
We have all been there at one time or another — fallen head-over-heels for someone, despite an abundance of red flags waving in our face. Dating a loser can result in months, if not years of frustration, confusion, tears and tantrums. It also has the potential to cause physical or emotional damage and can have a long-lasting effect on your future relationships.
However, the warning signs are easy to spot. The question is, will you choose to act upon them?
1. He Tells You That He Loves You Far Too Quickly
A loser is usually very quick to tell you that he loves you. Often, within weeks of dating, he will be talking about your long-term future together. He may even discuss moving in, having kids or possibly propose marriage. Believe it or not, I actually had a potential suitor tell me that he loved me on our very first date together!
Whilst this is all very flattering, you do really need to sit back and ask yourself if this behaviour is consistent with that of a normal, well-adjusted individual. Yes, of course we have all heard of whirlwind romances, but these are the exception to the rule and not the norm.
So why does a loser do this? Why mislead you by professing his undying love for you, if he really doesn’t mean it? Why waste your time making plans for the future, if he has no intention of following them through?
In truth, whatever he says means very little to him. He lives in a fantasy world where nothing is real to him. A loser has extremely superficial emotions and is capable of falling in and out of love on a whim.
2. He Blows Hot and Cold
He loves me, he loves me not. From calling and texting you daily, you may suddenly not hear from a loser for days or weeks on end. Just as you begin re-building your life, out of nowhere, he pops up. He behaves as if nothing has happened and expects to pick up the relationship, exactly where you left off.
This sends you into a tailspin and sets you off on a roller coaster of emotions. You may even reach a milestone in your life where you begin questioning your own sanity and wonder if you are going crazy. At this point, it is important to remember only one thing. It is his behaviour that is irrational and not yours.
3. Your Friends and Family Don’t Like Him
It is not always easy to realise, lest admit to yourself, that you are dating a loser. Your friends and family may spot the signs and try to alert you to their concerns. Nonetheless, you are oblivious to the issues they raise and dismiss their fears without so much as a second thought. The grave danger in doing this, is that their views are usually far more objective than yours.
When your nearest and dearest tells you that they do not like the person that you are dating, you really need to view this as a red flag. Remember, they love you and want nothing more than to see you happy. However, they see how he treats you. They see the effect that it has on you. They see how dating this guy has changed you into a shadow of your former self.
Please don’t berate them for being honest with you. Try and see the situation from their perspective. Also, do not forget that these are the very people who will be there for you, picking up the pieces, long after the loser has disappeared.
4. His Actions Don’t Match His Words
A loser has a tendency to say one thing but do the complete opposite. He also has a penchant for lying, albeit badly at times. Nonetheless, he will never admit that he was lying, even if he is caught red-handed. At best, he may admit that there was a, “misunderstanding,” but he will never admit that he was being untruthful.
As time goes on, the loser will begin to cancel dates or possibly, not not show up at all. He will make endless promises that he has no intention of keeping. He will say that he loves you but then treats you like something on the bottom of his shoe. He may even become physically abusive. At this point, you need to walk away, regardless of any tearful apologies that he may make.
5. He Is Self-Obsessed
A loser is self-obsessed and only cares about himself and his image. He is unable to walk past a mirror without checking himself out. He also likes to talk about himself and rarely lets you speak, unless it is to shower him with praise. He expresses very little interest in your life, family, friends, work or your activities and interests. Your role is to make him feel good about himself and not to bore him with the minutia of your life.
A loser tends to be extremely active on social media, constantly posting images of himself. He will closely monitor the number of 'likes' and adoring comments from his followers. It is highly improbable that he will add any photographs of you. He does not want anyone to steal his thunder.
6. Your Feelings Don’t Matter
A loser lacks empathy and does not stop for one moment to consider how his actions will affect you. His inability to accept criticism also means that he is never wrong. Consequently, any attempt by you to challenge his wrongdoings will simply result in feelings of anger or self-pity on his part. As a result of this, you may even begin making excuses for his actions.
A loser will openly criticise and embarrass you in public. He will do his very best to make you feel worthless, so that he can feel superior to you. This makes you easier to control. As you begin to have feelings of self-doubt, you will eventually reach a point where you feel worthless. This is exactly where a loser wants you to be. He does not want you to succeed at anything, as that would make you better than him. He is secretly setting you up to fail at everything you do.
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7. He Asks to Borrow Money
At the beginning of your relationship, a loser will usually insist on paying for everything. This is to lull you into a false sense of security, but do not be fooled. This is simply a ruse to deceive you into believing that he is financially secure. More often than not, a loser is living on credit. He is unable to manage his money and often has significant debts. He also has a great sense of entitlement which means that he spends way beyond his means.
Slowly, but surely, he will begin to milk you for all you are worth. He may explain that he has 'cash flow' problems and begin by borrowing small amounts of money. Initially, he may even repay these. A small token gesture which is intended solely to further increase your confidence in lending him larger amounts of money. A loser will view you as his personal ATM and even develop a sense of entitlement to your money,
Whatever you do, never, ever lend a loser any money and, most definitely, do not borrow money or co-sign a loan for him. You really do not need financial hardship on top of heartbreak.
How to Get Rid of the Loser in Your Life
The problem with being deeply, madly in love with someone is that you become so infatuated that you cannot, or will not, acknowledge your partner’s failings. It is not always easy to realise, lest admit to yourself, that you are dating a loser. If you are having problems getting over them, then you should consider implementing a period of no contact.
The most important thing to remember is that the problem is not with you. You may even discover that your partner has a history of this type of poor behaviour. It is also possible that he has a borderline personality disorder or, worse still, is a narcissist.
Ultimately, you will discover that the trouble with dating a loser is that they are not always that easy to get rid of. As soon as you start pulling away, in an attempt to end the relationship, they usually pursue you with renewed vigour. Whilst this may generate feelings in your head that you may have made a mistake, please remember that this is not necessarily a sign that you were wrong. Just ensure that you see the loser for the person he actually is, not the person you want him to be.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
Questions & Answers
Question: All of a sudden, the guy I had been dating confessed that he had been seeing his ex behind my back. Why did he do that?
Answer: It sounds as if he wanted a way out, or perhaps his ex had given him an ultimatum. Either way, you're better off without him. Move on and find someone who is more deserving of your love.
Question: So I started talking to a boy in school. We are coming to the end of the term. We seem very close. I told him that I liked him, and he blushed. He takes my pencil and won't give it back until I shake his hand; but most of the time, it's more like holding hands because he holds on and won't let go. Do you think he has any interest in me?
Answer: It sounds as if you are at the beginning of a long life journey that will bring you both pleasure and pain. Perhaps this boy thinks of you as a friend, or maybe as a girlfriend. I honestly cannot tell.
The best advice I can give you is to enjoy the attention, but don't let it detract from your studies. Believe me, in ten years time, you won't even remember these events, but your exam results will stay with you for the rest of your life.
There is nothing wrong with enjoying the first throes of young love. However, you must stay focused and prioritize what your long-term goals are.
© 2012 C L Grant
Your Comments Are Most Welcome!
MariaExcala from Germany on August 27, 2017:
i do get that feeling back when i was dating some guy, i don't know how what was in him that made me so attracted to him, but i'm glad it only lasted in less than 3 weeks and i'm glad i didnt get stuck with him, great hub!
Vicki on June 26, 2015:
I have to give my take. Read about sociopath, psychopath, narcissistic personalities and what victims of these munipulating non-human beings do to a person psychologically, emotionally, financially, spiritually. I am a counselor and was almost driven to shoot myself. This monster deliberately tried to give me hiv all the while playing on my empathy and love for him, while telling me it was all my fault. It was impossible to tell the the truth from fiction, I questioned my sanity through out. The worst and most eye opening experience of my life. Please, stop insinuating to victims that it is part their fault for being deceived and manipulated. It is a very painful ordeal and personally I felt like the stupidest person on earth, and got attacked and blamed by his realm of friends and family who are also being manipulated and lied to and don't have a clue. Those statements of blaming someone who has done no wrong and is going through such a moment of questioning their self worth and devastation cam mean the difference between life or death. I have so many clients I run into who thank me for helping them, can you imagine if a monster like this had gotten his way only to replace good deeds with his evil intent. I had no idea such evil people existed in real life. Look up the symptoms of a sociopaths victims, then you will have a small minute glympse of the torment a person was blindly led into. Like the lobster, being put in the pan before it is heated doesn't realize it is being cooked to death to be feasted upon.
Levertis Steele from Southern Clime on June 17, 2013:
There was a time in years past that elderly family members had much to say about their young people's choices of mates. Then, more young people listened to them. The Generation Gap, Women's Liberation, and Children Divorcing or Suing Parents Movements did not help much with this practice of family involvement. Now, young people mostly make their own decisions about a mate and marriage without consulting their fathers, mothers and grandparents. It is true that we are responsible for our own happiness, but that includes being responsible and sensible enough to listen to wisdom and people who love us and have always looked out for us when we could not help ourselves. A good, loving father or brother is usually able to assess the reliability of a daughter's chosen partner. Guys know guys.
I beieve that these signs are on target. Well done!
C L Grant (author) from United Kingdom on September 14, 2012:
The one thing we do agree on DashingScorpio is that we are all ultimately responsible for our own happiness.
The point I was trying to get across is that sometimes it is easier for someone on the "outside" to gain a better perspective of situations than someone who is entangled in the middle of it.
Thank you for your interest! ;)
dashingscorpio from Chicago on September 14, 2012:
You offer some excellent points in this hub. However I would have to slightly disagree with you about the problem not being "you" in the article. I realize we live in an era where everyone wants to point the finger at someone else or anything else when it comes to dealing with issues. The truth is each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse. There is no getting around that one.
If I go to the grocery store to purchase an apple but buy an onion instead...whose fault is that? Do I curse the onion for not being an apple? No. I have to learn to become a better "shopper"!
You are responsible for your own happiness. It's your life. Take the wheel! One man's opinion! :-)
sapphire99336 from Kennewick, WA on September 13, 2012: