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Why Do We Keep Questioning a Man's Actions?

Updated on May 10, 2017
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My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.

When a man's efforts subsides and/or he stops calling or texting, why do we disbelieve he has had a change of heart?

Some women will hang onto the words "I love you" as if their life depended on it—often, needing no proof or action from him to back up those words. They will let a man mentally, emotionally and/or physically abuse them as long as he proclaims he loves them. Yikes!

Ladies, we know when a guy is interested, cares or even loves us—we can see and feel it by the way he treats us—all the little and big gestures he makes. We also are aware when his actions towards us dramatically change—he emotionally pulls away, we don't see him as often, communication lessens, etc.—letting us know that he is no longer invested. Unfortunately, we will latch on to this doomed relationship—spending more time doubting his actions and instead making excuses for his poor treatment towards us—as if his actions mean nothing. Seriously?!

Do we actually enjoy constantly complaining about our relationship? Do we honestly think our friends and family members enjoy hearing us complain about the same things over and over again? Well, they don't.

We waste time and tears convincing ourselves that the negative way a man is treating us must mean something totally different. Wake up, it doesn't. Stop making excuses for him and start realizing that you do deserve to be treated better. His actions mean exactly what you are afraid to admit; he is not invested in you and does not want a serious lifetime commitment with you.

By choosing to ignore a man's actions, we then become upset with him when we should be upset with ourselves...

My friend's friend was in a relationship with a guy who she let string her along with his words. She wanted marriage and children, however he kept coming up with excuses to prolong this from happening. Years into their relationship sex started to fade dramatically, along with the effort he was making, but because her boyfriend would continue tell her that he loved her, she stayed—hoping one day he would give her a ring.

She became so mesmerized by his words, empty promises, and excuses, that it took her over nine years before she was finally open to realizing that his actions contradicted his words. Months after she ended the relationship with him she found out that he had gotten engaged. Oh dear. She was hurt and upset hearing this news. Do you blame her? Well...

If you chose to continue to ignore a man's actions and instead put all your faith in him telling you that he cares about or loves you—without genuine proof—the only person you should be upset with, is you.

Don't get me wrong, you have every right to be upset if the effort was once there then suddenly changed without any understanding of why. That would make anyone upset, hurt and frustrated. However, if you decide to continue to stay—month or possibly years—dealing with his crappy behavior—you can't keep pointing your finger and blaming him. Deciding to stay is telling him that you are OK being treated poorly.

There is a huge difference between working on building a relationship together versus staying in a relationship that you hope will one day change.

Every relationship will come across a few hiccups—there will be mistakes, some kinks and of course learning curves. But, if things aren't moving forward, in the direction you hoped or he is unwilling to change the situation (or himself to better the relationship)—he is telling you that you are not worthy of his efforts, time and full commitment. Basically, he's not as invested as you are. Ignoring his actions will only keep you hostage in an unhealthy relationship.

Actions that are red flags—not be questioned:

  • He's not calling as much
  • He's cheating
  • He doesn't make time for you
  • When you reach out he takes forever to contact you back
  • When he has a bad day he takes it out on you
  • He's always busy
  • You rarely have sex and there is no medical reason
  • He's not supportive in your life
  • He gets upset when you go out with your friends
  • You have never seen his home
  • He's on time for things in his life but not in yours
  • Planning dates now feels like pulling teeth with him
  • He rarely wants to sleep over
  • He's always working
  • He cancels plans last minute
  • You never see him on weekends
  • He's not emotionally there when you need him
  • He is always talking about his ex
  • He is always on his phone
  • You have never met his family or friends
  • You are always fighting
  • He walks in front on you when you go out
  • He never calls/texts when he's out of town/country
  • He doesn't attend your work, family or friend's event
  • You have never spent the night at his place
  • He starts fights with you
  • He is always out with his friends and never includes you
  • He only contacts you when he wants sex
  • He won't commit
  • He planned another "guys" trip and you're not invited
  • He never follows through with trips you plan together
  • He never picks up when you call
  • He puts you down a lot
  • He makes empty promises
  • He never invites you to events he has
  • He doesn't get along with your friends and family
  • The only time you see him is after 11pm and he doesn't work at night
  • He mentally, physically or mentally abusive

**If several of these actions have resonated with you, his actions are speaking to you very loud and clear...are you listening or living in a fantasy world?

Women will give men the benefit of the doubt way too often. None of those actions represents a man who genuinely cares for us or loves us, and if we think the opposite, we are sadly mistaken. People make time and effort for things that are important to them, so why do we disbelieve this fact when it comes to how a guy is treating us? Men are not as complicated as we try and make them out to be.

Although most men are not great at communicating their feelings, they will still act out how they feel to get their point across.

A child will demonstrate unhappiness by pouting, stomping their feet, crying, throwing things, shutting down, yelling, etc.—this behavior is rarely appreciated, but we will accept this as a form of communication. However, when a grown man displays similar behavior we will ignore it—believing he still wants us and labeling his actions as love. Ridiculous!

If he is checked out, disinterested, taking you for granted, becoming too comfortable and lazy, talks down to you, is having sex with other women (and you are exclusive) or no longer has time for you—these are just a few actions that are demonstrating that a lasting successful relationship is not in the cards for you. Why are you choosing to ignore what he is obviously showing you?

When a guy is interested in you he will be thoughtful, caring and considerate, and will also make time for you. When he is not interested or the feelings he has for you have changed he will be inconsiderate, disrespect, emotionally unavailable, distant and possibly rude. Yes, lashing out or emotionally pulling away is hurtful, frustrating, annoying and frankly an immature way of dealing with issues, however, it does get his point across regardless.

Ladies, by holding onto a man who has demonstrated time and time again that we are not his future (one that will be successful and happy)—we are only holding ourselves back from finding a guy who wants to spend a lifetime unconditionally loving and supporting us. Continuing to be blinded by his actions will only cause us more unhappiness. Stop questioning his actions that are speaking loud and clear and start loving and respecting yourself enough to want someone who deserves you.

Bottom line, when we stop accepting crappy behavior we will open ourselves up to finding genuine lasting love.

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