Why Women Are Frustrated and Confused about Men and Dating
Many women are confused and frustrated about men and dating, and they don’t know why. Here is my take on this malaise: At one time, men were the hunters and women were the gatherers. On an intuitive level, this essence is still alive today.
However, since the advent of the sixties cultural and sexual revolution, American standards have shifted. Men and women are exhibiting more androgynous behavior. Thus, the distinctions between the sexes are blurred. Our sexual revolution has created confusion about the relational roles between male and female. Consequently, there is a whole lot of friction going on in the world of dating.
In recent decades, women have begun hunting and gathering for the male. Traditional roles are changing. In and of itself, this is not a bad thing, but it is a confusing thing--at least, it is for women because the new male prototype has become adept at not putting in the time and effort to pursue a woman. He has come to believe it is fine for him to be "a gatherer". Ever the adapters, women have chosen to compensate for the rise of the culturally androgynous male, aka, the male gatherer. You've run into him. He's the guy who does not pursue women - ever. He has embraced equality, or so he says. Actually, the only thing he has embraced is laziness.
We wanted equality. In the area of romance, we got something else.
1960s Cultural Movement
Our 1960s cultural movement had good intentions and some very positive outcomes on many different levels. However, the sexual revolution has failed in the areas of love, romance and commitment. You see, many American men have morphed into something we did not foresee coming. He is no longer adept at committing, pursuing or providing. Herein lies the crux of the matter.
Feminists had the right idea about wanting more equality, as in equal pay, but they got a little side-tracked by the free love thing. What they didn't realize is that most men are more than happy to enjoy the "No Strings Attached" philosophy, which goes something like this: "Let's live together and I'll keep my money, but I'll enjoy the convenience of having a quasi-wife, but without the responsibility and financial risk." After all, it's less liability and stress for the man in case she doesn't work out. Meanwhile, the sex is available on a fairly regular basis. No repercussions. Supposedly. The problem is... no woman enjoys getting used. According to Linda J. Waite, the author of The Negative Effects of Cohabitation, "Cohabitating men tend to be less committed to the relationship."
Yet sadly, women are offering themselves up to this so-called male "feminist" who is anything but. The reality is that the male gatherer has lost his instinct for romance and commitment. The male gatherer isn't what we thought he is, nor can he be. Courting women isn't part of the male gatherers' paradigm. Instead, he believes that relationships should be easy and uncomplicated. Easy come, easy go. His expectations do not mirror the truth, which is that anything or anyone worth having requires time and effort.
Thus, having experienced disappointment in dating for the umpteenth time, many women carry around a perpetual cloud of frustration and anger. Nevertheless, not wanting to appear passive, women continue the hunt. “We have to go after guys," they insist. "If we wait, nothing happens. What choice do we have?"
Women who feel this way have a point, but their premise is wrong. She has another choice. She can let the man seek her. Here’s the thing. Women actually liked having the man pursue her because his effort showed her that he had some interest. His pursuit of her was hot and efficient - sort of like the engine of a BMW. But the gatherer guy....well... he lacks that drive. He's a Ford Pinto, or a Volkswagen Bus. The easy love thing works for him, but it isn't working for her. Apparently, easy love isn't so easy after all. Unwed mothers who struggle to raise their children alone know this better than anyone.
Percentage of Single Mothers Who are Hispanic
Percentage of single mothers who are White
Percentage of Single Mothers Who are Black
Percentage of Single Mothers Who are American Indian
What Needs to Happen
So what's a woman to do? First, she must stop throwing herself at gatherer man's feet. Forever.
Male gatherer guy does not have the inclination or the stamina for true romance that women crave. He always leaves women feeling emotionally shortchanged. If women truly want emotionally satisfying relationships, they must first decide to place more value on their time, their careers, and their passions thereby changing their perspective about their life and worth. Woman must realize that meeting a great guy is icing on the cake. Icing is delicious, but it is still optional.
Women have to step up their game as well. She has to understand that it's okay to be a woman. She doesn't have to become a man to be equal. She is good enough already. By that I mean she must accept that her psyche is different from a man's. She needs different things---like romance and commitment. These feelings are natural for women. She knows that she will have children one day and that those children need a father who will stay. She also knows, deep down, that her woman's heart needs to feel valued and loved. This has nothing to do with "equality." It just is and has always been and will always be. So....we may as well deal it.
On a similar note, I had a quasi male friend who was a former hippie. He was also highly educated,but hippie mentality never really left him. Anyway, he told me that he had lived in a commune and that he really enjoyed his life. He talked about how fun it was to get naked and paint women. This was a type of foreplay, I gathered. He went on to say that the only thing disagreeable about commune life was that the women were, and I quote, "Really messed up."
Yeah, I guess so. Having multiple partners and not knowing who the father of your child is and whether or not your lover(s) even gave a "rats ass" would make any woman "messed up." A dirty little secret of the free love/equality thing of the 60's is that the men were die hard sexists. They made love (well, what they thought was making love), smoked pot and quoted Nietzsche and Karl Marx.. Meanwhile, the woman cooked, cleaned, scrabbled for food and, of course, made themselves available to her main lovers friends at his request. You know, equal love and all that.
Meet the New Boss: Same As the Old Boss
What is my point? It is this: The men of the 60's ran with the free love thing, cloaked it in philosophical, lofty speech, and many men of today are doing the VERY SAME THING. And unfortunately, intelligent women are still being suckered into the lies. They are falling for the equality love speech. Sadly, this so-called "equality" trend has continued, but it is now cloaked in politically correct language, labeled under the guise of being "fair." What it really means is that "I'll go my way and you'll go your way if the going gets rough and if you have too many expectations that don't match with my idea of fairness." So today, even more women find themselves without fathers for their children. Instead, too many women are working two jobs.... and they are lonelier than ever. Women don't feel "equal" unless she can somehow become more like a man. But her woman's heart won't allow it. Consequently, she remains confused and frustrated. She wonders where she went wrong.
Common Reasons Why Men Don't Commit: Rutgers University's National Marriage Project
- Males can get sex without marriage more easily than in times past
- Males can enjoy the benefits of having a wife by cohabiting rather than marrying
- Men want to avoid divorce and its financial risks
- Men fear that marriage will require too many changes and compromises
- Males face few social pressures to marry
So naturally, it behooves the woman to shift her focus toward worthwhile men who actually enjoy pursuing a woman in a gentlemanly way (Meaning, with patience), and who are willing to ignore the trend of political correctness that presupposes men and women are exactly the same. Men and women are not the same. Our bodies are different, our brains are wired differently, we think differently, we have different needs. But the male gatherer would have you believe differently because he believes in "fairness." Right...and we all have ocean front property....
Long story short, women must become adept at letting the "male gatherer" go. In other words, she lust learn to pare down the dating field. The smart woman values herself far too much to waste her time on a man who's only interest is convenience. You are not a 7-11 store.
Finally, women must learn to become responsible for all the bad romantic choices she made in the past.Only then will she be able to let go of the anger and frustration she had carried before. And only then can she proactively guide her dating life in a direction that will allow her to experience true romance---the kind that has purpose and meaning.
The smart woman does not play hard to get---she is hard to get. Let me expound upon this. Playing hard to get suggests that a woman feigns disinterest in a man to whom she is attracted. Being hard to get has to do with the psyche of a woman who is selective about the kind of men she chooses to date in the first place. Once a woman has determined she is interested in someone, she is free to capture his attention. However, she does this with care. She does not rush into a situation without first finding out what she is getting into---or not. She learns to make better choices with the long term consequences in mind. She is responsible for her choices.
Dating: An Art
Another thing. There is no reason for any woman or man to reveal everything about their feelings or their past relationships in the beginning stages of dating. We must open up at our own pace. In so doing, we are respecting our parameters and sense of privacy---and this is as it should be. A secure partner will respect your need for to open up at your own pace. On the other hand, excessive secrecy in any individual is a red flag.
However, a woman who is thoroughly uncomplicated and too eager to please, will not attract the love of a man who has the masculine fiber women crave. It is a woman's confidence combined with her feminine spirit which is the magnet that consistently attracts decent men her way. The woman who knows how to date well is at ease with her femininity. A worthwhile man will readily pursue a woman like her, but he is easily bored with a woman who does not provide him with any challenges whatsoever. A good man isn't looking for a doormat to walk over. The worthwhile man respects a woman who has some backbone.
Dating is an art which recognizes and appreciates the core differences between men and women. In truth, regardless of our cultural leanings, it's actually quite pleasurable to embrace the distinctions between male and female rather than constantly fighting against them. Masculine and feminine traits actually complement one another quite nicely. So from now on, you can let the male gatherer do whatever he wants just so long as he doesn't do it with you. Your responsibility as a woman is to turn your attention toward the man who shows you that he cares---through his actions. Listen to your woman's heart. Only then will you be assured of love that will stand the test of time.
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