Why Women Are Frustrated and Confused About Men and Dating
Many women are confused and frustrated about men and dating....and they don’t know why. Here is my take on this malaise: At one time, men were the hunters and women were the gatherers. On an intuitive level, this essence is still alive today. However, since the advent of the sixties sexual revolution, American cultural standards have shifted.
Men and women are exhibiting somewhat androgynous behavior. It is now becoming politically incorrect to make distinctions between men and women. Mind you, not everyone believes men and women are exactly the same, but some do. Thus, the distinctions between the sexes are blurred. America's sexual revolution has created confusion about the relational roles between males and females.
Consequently, there is a whole lot of friction going on in the world of dating.
For example, in recent decades, women have begun hunting and gathering for the male, so to speak. Traditional romantic roles are going by the wayside. Society has inadvertently produced a new male prototype who has become adept at not putting in the time and effort to pursue a woman who truly interests him---the way men used to do.
Such men are convinced that it is perfectly fine for him to be "a gatherer," but the problem is, women are not natural "hunters." Nevertheless, because women are ever the adapters, they have chosen to compensate for the rise of the culturally androgynous male, aka, the "male gatherer." She has now assumed his previous role---that of protector and provider.
Who is the male gatherer? He is the male who claims to have embraced equality, but who actually doesn't respect women all that much. You've come across him. He is the guy who let's the women come to him. He does not pursue women. He lives solely for his own pleasure. His take is, "If women want equal rights, let her prove herself to me."
The 1960s Cultural Movement
The 1960s cultural movement had good intentions and some positive outcomes. However, the sexual revolution has failed us in the area of love, romance and commitment. Unfortunately, too many American men have morphed into something we did not foresee coming----the "gatherer," who is not adept at committing, pursuing or providing.
Herein lies the crux of the matter: Feminists had the right idea about wanting more equality, as in equal pay, but they got a little side-tracked by the free love thing. What they didn't realize is that most men are more than happy to accept the "No Strings Attached" philosophy of "free love." His philosophy goes something like this: "If we live together, I will enjoy the convenience of having a quasi-wife, but without any messy responsibilities or financial risk."
The male gatherer is into "low stress" relationships. In the event he should decide a woman with whom he is co-habitating doesn't meet his needs after all, he has no problem leaving. His reasons? "She was too much trouble. Who needs the drama?"
Meanwhile, he takes pleasure in having sex on a regular basis. Gratification with no commitment and no repercussions---that's his motto.
Yet sadly, women offer themselves up to the male gatherer, even though he has lost his instinct for honest romance and true commitment. Courting women isn't part of the gatherers' paradigm. He believes relationships should be easy and uncomplicated. Easy come, easy go. His expectations do not mirror the truth, which is that anything worth having requires time and effort to have.
Thus, having experienced disappointment in dating for the umpteenth time, many women carry around a perpetual cloud of frustration and anger. Nevertheless, not wanting to appear passive, women continue the hunt.
“We have to go after guys," they insist. "If we wait, nothing happens." "What choice do we have?"
Women who feel this way have a point, but their premise is wrong. She has another choice. She can let the man seek her. Here’s the thing. Women actually like having the man pursue her. His effort shows her he has a level of interest. She finds his pursuit of her hot and efficient - sort of like the engine of a BMW.
But the gatherer guy....well...he lacks drive. He's a Ford Pinto, or maybe a Volkswagen bus. The easy love thing works for him, but it isn't working for her. Apparently, easy love isn't so easy after all. Unwed mothers who struggle to raise their children without father's know this better than anyone. Unfortunately, the children get the raw end of the deal.
Percentage of Single Mothers Who are Hispanic
Single mothers who are White
Single Mothers Who are Black
Single Mothers Who are American Indian
Single Mothers Who are Asian & Pacific Islander
What Needs to Happen
So what's a woman to do? First, she must learn to recognize the male gatherer. She must then stop throwing herself at his feet. Forever. Male gatherer guy does not have the inclination or the stamina for true romance women crave. He always leaves women feeling emotionally shortchanged. Why? Because he is, in fact, emotionally stunted. Chances are high that he didn't have a father to teach him the responsibilities of manhood.
In any event, any woman who truly wants an emotionally satisfying relationship with a man must first decide to place more value on her worth, her time, her career and her passions. In so doing, she changes her own perspective about the value of her life. Women must realize that meeting a great guy is icing on the cake. Icing is delicious; it can make a lovely difference---but it is still optional.
Women Have to Step Up Their Game as Well
She must learn to appreciate her womanhood and everything that being a woman entails, to include embracing her femininity. She doesn't have to become a man to be "equal." We are all equal by virtue of our humanity.
I knew a man who was a former hippie. He was highly educated, but the gatherer/hippie mentality never really left him. Anyway, he told me that he had lived in a commune where he really enjoyed his life. He talked about how fun it was to get naked and paint women's bodies. This, I gathered, was a type of foreplay. He went on to say that the only disagreeable aspect of commune life was that the women were, "Really messed up."
I guess so. Having multiple partners, not knowing who the father of your child is, and whether or not your lover(s) even remembered you from the day or night before would make any woman "a mess." The dirty little secret about the free love men of the 60's is that they were rampant chauvinists. They made love, smoked pot, quoted Nietzsche, Karl Marx, and existential poetry. They didn't do much else.
Meanwhile, the woman cooked, cleaned, scrabbled for food and even made herself available to other lovers at the request of her "main man." You know, equal love and all that. It's no wonder these women were so "messed up."
Meet the New Boss: Same As the Old Boss
The point is, male gatherers of the 1960's sexual revolution got used to the perks of free love. Not hard to comprehend. The problem we have today is that many men are content to view women in the same disrespectful manner as did the hippies back then. Unfortunately, women are still falling for gatherers. The problem however, is that when the going gets rough, because gatherer guy believes "she has too many expectations that don't match with my idea of fairness," it is all too easy for him to walk away. His feeling is, "I'll go my way and she can go her way."
To be sure, not all men act that badly, and I am not at all making that assertion. What I am saying is that our permissive society has created the "male gatherer" who does not understand why love and commitment actually matter. He thinks what matters is his freedom. After all, no one taught him how to respect women. His frustrated mom was probably working all of the time, and good ole' dad was MIA. Maybe his mom even lost the values she once had. Thus, the male gatherer had no positive role models to teach him what it means to become a grown-up. Consequently, he remains self-serving his entire life.
Common Reasons Why Men Don't Commit
- Males can get sex without marriage more easily than in times past
- Males can enjoy the benefits of having a wife by cohabiting rather than marrying
- Men want to avoid divorce and its financial risks
- Men fear that marriage will require too many changes and compromises
- Males face few social pressures to marry
~Rutgers University's National Marriage Project
"Cohabiting men tend to be less committed to the relationship."— The Negative Effects of Cohabitation, Linda J. Waite
So naturally, it behooves the woman to shift her focus toward worthwhile men who actually enjoy pursuing a woman, who exhibit patience and caring, and who are willing to ignore the trend that presupposes men and women are exactly the same in every way.
Men and women are not exactly the same. Our bodies are different, our brains are wired differently, we communicate differently, we have different mannerisms, and in some cases, we have unique needs. But the male gatherer would have you believe this cannot be true, as that would not be fair or equal for him.
Long story short, women must become adept at letting the male gatherer go. In other words, she must learn to pare down the dating field. The smart woman values herself far too much to waste her time on a man who treats her as if she is worthless.
Finally, women must learn to become responsible for all the bad romantic choices she has made. She absolutely must take personal responsibility for her poor decisions; only then will she be able to turn her life around and thus begin to let go of the anger and frustration she had carried before. She will now be in a position to proactively guide her dating life in a manner that will finally allow her to experience true love and romance---the kind that has purpose, meaning, and staying power.
The smart woman does not play hard to get---she is hard to get. Let me explain. Playing hard to get suggests that a woman feigns disinterest in a man to whom she is attracted. Being hard to get has to do with the psyche of a woman who is selective about the kind of men she chooses to date in the first place.
Once a woman has determined she is interested in someone, she is free to capture his attention. However, she does this with care. She does not rush into a situation without first finding out what she is getting into. She learns to make better choices, always with long term consequences in mind. She becomes a more responsible and thoughtful woman.
A Word About Communication
Communication is a good thing, but some ladies mistakenly believe they must open up about every single thing that has ever happened to them "because that is only fair and honest." But the truth is, there is no reason for any woman or man to reveal everything about their feelings or their past relationships, in the beginning stages of dating.
We must open up at our own pace. In so doing, we are respecting our parameters and sense of privacy---and this is as it should be. A secure partner will respect your need to share your life stories at your own pace. In fact, no one really has to reveal anything that isn't relevant to the current situation. On the other hand, excessive secrecy in any individual is a red flag.
Dating: An Art
A woman who is thoroughly uncomplicated and too eager to please will not attract the love of a man who has the masculine fiber women crave. Her confidence as a woman, combined with her feminine spirit, is the magnet that consistently attracts truly good men her way. The woman who knows how to date well is very much at ease with her femininity. A worthwhile man will readily pursue a woman like her, but he is easily bored with a woman who does not provide him with any challenges whatsoever. A good man isn't looking for a doormat to walk over. The worthwhile man respects a woman who has backbone. Only gatherer's hate being challenged.
Positive dating also recognizes and appreciates the core differences between men and women. In truth, regardless of our cultural leanings, it's actually quite pleasurable to embrace the distinctions between male and female, rather than constantly fighting against them or, worse yet, attempting to act like the opposite gender. Masculine and feminine traits actually complement one another quite nicely---sort of like two pieces of a puzzle.
From now on, let the male gatherer do whatever he wants to do, just so long as he isn't doing it with you. Your responsibility as a woman is to turn your attention toward the man who shows you that he cares---through his actions. Listen to your woman's heart and mind. Only then will you be assured of love that will stand the test of time.
Questions & Answers
Why has feminism really destroyed the dating scene for many of us single men today seriously looking for a relationship today?
That's a rather broad assumption. The reality is that most people are dating and marrying and figuring things out as they go along, just as we always have. The only difference is that "back in the day" we had very specific courting rituals. We don't have those anymore, and so now we may flounder a bit. But generally speaking, if we use our common sense, we'll know how to proceed when dating.
When men complain about feminism, they are really complaining about hard-line feminism, or misandry, much like women complain about misogynists (who have been around much, much longer.....and with whom we've had to deal with since the beginning of time, so spare me the pity party about women having it easier than men). Anyhoo, hard-line feminists comprise a small section society. Academia comprises about 1.7% of the population in the United States. Unfortunately, they do garner quite a lot of influence in the media and politics. However, most women you meet are not like them. The typical woman who may identify as a feminist is generally someone who believes in equal pay and opportunity, but nothing radical. Most women you meet are not hard-line feminists, unless you run in those circles. Furthermore, the women you are referring to are easily identifiable because they'll tell you who they are. They'll go on and on about reproductive rights, etc. etc. They hate the Miss America Pageant. They probably don't like much of anything. They complain a lot. Even I don't even like being around them. So, if you want your dating life to be easier and probably better (truth be told), just don't date them. Maybe then, they'll get the hint and learn that they don't have to be so defensive or act like men. Likewise, I tell women never to date a man who disrespects women or who supports any group, online or otherwise (such as MGTOW) that disrespects women. It's not that complicated.
When it comes to lasting relationships and romance, most people still value fidelity. As a society, we're in the middle, or right of center. For goodness sake, all you have to do is look around you. Most people are dating, getting engaged, getting married, and having children everyday. They don't care two cents for what 2% of academia or men's forums have to say. Both groups are at opposite ends of the spectrum, yet both spew propaganda. Don't listen to either one of them. They're a tiny percentage of the real, living population. Both narratives are not real. I'm sure you're smarter than that. Use your critical thinking skills. Look up credible statistics to discover actual truths.
If you want a relationship, you can find a relationship. You just have to be self-aware, be brave enough to put yourself out there, be a decent person, and have enough savvy to recognize which women have values that will foster positive growth in a relationship. And if you don't know what that means or if you haven't developed any values yourself, then you'd better get some. Many good women exist. As I've said before, I meet them all the time. Maybe one day, you will meet someone who is just the right fit for you. But first, you have to let go of preconceived notions and have some faith.Helpful 4
Why were most women in the past real ladies and very easy to meet compared to the women of today that are just so very horrible to meet?
Since the 1970s, some women have decided to become more like men, and not necessarily in a good way. That is not to say that all men and women are "horrible" today. But to answer your question: Back in the day, men were required to have manners, as were women. Society had strong expectations regarding courtship. That view has changed dramatically. Just know that many women feel just as frustrated about dating as you do. Both sexes are failing to live up to the high standards we had in the past (in many cases), but by no means are all individuals impolite.Helpful 22
If after 6 weeks of daily "I love you" the guy disappears and then resurfaces after making up a lie and not answering the question about a confirmed date, what should one make of it?
As they say (and in this case it is true), "Talk is cheap and actions speak louder than words." The guy is unreliable. He just wants to have fun without any responsibility. He's a player. Delete his phone number, block him, and move on. He isn't worth your precious time.Helpful 3
The percentage of single mothers that show is approximately 160%. Why do you exclude Asians? Perhaps you could make the total of single women closer to 200%? Why didn't you include them?
The percentage of single mothers who are Asian & Pacific Islander is at 16%. I had not included them because their number is relatively low. However, I have updated the site to include Asians. These statistics came directly from Kids Count Data Center.Helpful 1
Why are most women nowadays sleeping around with different men all the time instead of committing themselves to only one man?
Before marriage, most women today want to experience life, love and sex with more than one partner. Women no longer feel constrained by societal mores to have only one partner throughout their lives. Once a woman is committed, however, she is more likely to remain monogamous than is the man. That being said, the percentage rates vary according to various factors, to include finances and even race. Frankly, it is rather disingenuous of men to complain about women wanting to experience sex with multiple partners (before marriage) when men have been doing the same thing since the beginning of time, both before marriage and after marriage.
Once a woman falls in love, she is likely to commit to just one man. However, both men and women cheat, although men still cheat more than women.
But to answer your question, women do commit once they find someone they want to spend the rest of their lives with, or when they really love their boyfriends and have a healthy relationship with him. We cannot paint all women with the same broad brush.Helpful 3
© 2012 Yves