I have given my fair share of mixed signals to men over the years, for various reasons. I hope to help others learn from my mistakes.
What Does It Mean When a Girl Ignores You but Likes You?
Guys, you know the feeling; one minute, she is totally into you, and the next, she is ignoring you. Why do women do that? Is she really into you, or is she playing you? What is going on?
Okay, well, I readily (and I guess somewhat shamefully and somewhat proudly) admit that I have been guilty of giving mixed signals to men, in certain times of my life, due to certain circumstances. Here are some of my personal reasons why I have acted that way.
Remember! Every woman is different, so don't take the ideas below as gospel. This is just one woman's honest opinion. However, many of these reasons and situations are common, so use your better judgment.
It is up to you to read the situation and figure out what's going on. There are other factors that could be causing this type of behavior, so just try to be clear and calm when you assess the situation.
7 Reasons Why She Is Acting Hot and Cold
- You're the one giving her mixed signals.
- She's into your friend.
- It's an inappropriate situation.
- She is punishing you.
- She's feeling insecure.
- She's playing you.
- She's not into you, but she's being polite.
1. She's Reacting to Mixed Signals From You
If I am attracted to a man, and I feel that he is sending me mixed signals, then I get nervous. What if he doesn't really like me? What if he's playing me? What if he's already attached, and I don't know yet?
I will flirt when I feel safe to flirt, but if I feel even the slightest hint that he isn't responsive to my flirting, I will back off and pretend that I'm not all that interested. I might even ignore him the next time I see him until he gives me some sign again that he is interested in me. Then I will open up again.
Women are sensitive—more than most men (and women) realize! I often take things personally, even if it is not intended that way. If you are having a bad day or are stressed or whatever, just take a second to let me know that is the reason you are brushing me off. Then I will not think it is something that I have done, I'll be happy to give you your space, and I'll be there for you when you are more emotionally available.
Keep in mind that other people are going to interpret the things you say differently than you do. Someone could easily interpret something you say as flirty or not, depending on the context, so it can be very easy for someone to misinterpret the things you say. You might think you are being flirty, but to the other person, you are giving them mixed messages as to how you actually feel.
2. She's Into Your Friend
Sometimes I really like him, but I'm too shy to flirt outright with him. So, I flirt with the closest person to him because I feel safe and there's no risk. The closest person is usually his friend. Sorry friend, but if you are honest, you'll admit that you do it to women too! It means that I can be flirty, funny, charming, and everything else wonderful, but if I am rejected by the man I like, well, I wasn't flirting with him, was I? That way, I can save face.
The advice here is that if a woman is openly flirting with you, you need to check her body language to see if her attention is fully on you, or if it is on someone else in the room. Same goes if a woman you like is openly flirting with someone else—is she quietly checking to make sure you notice?
If a woman is seriously attracted to you, once she receives positive signals from you that you are interested in her, she should stop flirting with your friends. On the other hand, if you make her feel put down or insecure, even in an established relationship, she may just turn to your friends for a much-needed confidence boost!
Additionally, if a woman does not know if you like her or not, she may get friendly with one of your friends to figure out how you really feel about her. She is testing you to see how you react: if you get flustered and stop talking to her, that is a big sign that you have feelings for her, so be careful!
3. It's an Inappropriate Situation
No matter how crazy I might be about a man, sometimes it is inappropriate to flirt or even admit an interest. At these times, I may seem suddenly cold and unresponsive or even ignore him completely—it's not the man, it's the situation. Some examples of this might be:
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- We work together, and I don't want to flirt in the office and start rumors.
- Either my or your ex is somewhere in the vicinity, and I don't want any conflict.
- One of us is married or unavailable in some way, and I don't want our feelings made public.
- Someone has said something about our relationship, and I want to prove them wrong or throw them off the scent.
- I'm pretending to others that I'm not interested in you for whatever reason.
4. She's Punishing You
If a guy has hurt me, I'm going to be angry. When I love someone, it opens up my emotions in every way—not just my feelings towards him, but feelings that I have kept repressed for much of my life.
I really open up to him, so if he disappoints me (and he will—he's human), it's like reliving bad memories. I will more than likely overreact, and if he tells me I'm overreacting, I will be even more upset with him. I will punish him by shutting him out and perhaps letting others get close to me.
This is the time to listen to a woman. Don't offer advice; just listen. If you felt the same way, you would probably walk away and spend time alone, but a woman needs to talk about it. She is not attacking you; personally, she just needs to work her way through the problem. Once she has sorted it out in her head, she will realize and admit that she was overly emotional, and she'll be ready to show appreciation to you for letting her vent.
5. She's Feeling Insecure
Maybe something has happened to make me feel unsure about myself or about our relationship. I'm worried that things are not right. I need the man to prove himself to me. Once, he would have gone off and killed something for our dinner, and I would have known everything was okay.
These days, it's a little more complicated. I might test him by being aloof, sad, or perhaps even angry. If he walks away and doesn't give me a sign that he cares, I definitely will be angry. I need him to show me love—he needs to tell me and show me, and then everything will be okay again.
6. She's Playing You
I'm not interested in him, but I know he has feelings for me, and I love the attention. If he comes on too strong, I'll do everything I can to put him off. If he loses interest, I miss the attention and try to regain it. It's mean, it's cruel, and unfortunately, it happens often.
If a woman is doing this to you, move on! It is not worth the time or the energy to get wrapped up in something like that. Try to not take it personally because she probably has that type of behavior around other men as well. There are plenty of other women out there for you to spend your time on.
7. She's Not Into You, but She's Polite
Lots of men are attractive, but that doesn't mean that I want a relationship with all of them. Some men are downright unattractive, but they are still people with feelings and emotions.
Sometimes I might just feel flirty, but today I might not notice a man I flirted with yesterday. Sometimes I might politely respond to flirting because it would be rude to do otherwise. Sometimes I might really like a man, but just not in a relationship kind of way, if you get my drift.
If a woman is attracted to you enough to want to get to know you better, perhaps intimately, you will know. She will find a way to let you know. Many women act friendly and flirty all the time, don't just assume that means she is interested in you.
Dealing With Mixed Signals
I'm not going to pretend otherwise: Women are complex and complicated individuals, often much more so than men.
I think that the trick, if there is one, in dealing with mixed signals from a woman is to look at the whole situation. What has just happened? Who is around? What is the woman's overall response to you?
As I said at the beginning, I am also guilty of sending mixed signals. However, I don't believe that there is one guy out there who I've ever liked—be it a crush or a full-on relationship—who didn't know for sure, 100%, that I had feelings for him. Just try to be honest and open about how you feel; doing that will help clear up much of this. Don't just assume certain things based on how someone acts around you.
Why Did She Stop Responding to My Texts?
The do's and don'ts of text messaging can get confusing, so keep in mind that just because she suddenly stopped texting you, it does not necessarily mean anything. There could be quite a few reasons why she is no longer texting you.
- Phone issues: Cell phones still get messed up from time to time, so it's possible that her phone broke or is not able to receive or send messages.
- Texting is not her thing: Some women do not text very often and have no desire to frequently text people. While that may seem odd in this day and age, there are still people out there who stay away from their phones.
- She is testing you: As I said before, some women want to test men by pulling back and seeing how they react. If you respond by texting her a bunch more and getting upset, that is a sign to her that you are too needy. Instead, give her some space and let her be the one to start up contact again.
What Men Can Do When a Woman Is Acting Hot and Cold
From a man's perspective, there are a couple of things to do to help the situation. No one likes being jerked around, so these tips will help alleviate some of the confusion caused by women acting hot and cold.
- Be clear: If you are concerned with the signals a woman is giving you, please make it clear to her how you feel. If you are trying to pursue her romantically, make your intentions clear from the start. A man may think he is giving off subtle clues that point to his romantic interest, but there is no guarantee the woman will pick up on those hints.
- Understand the situation: There may be many good reasons why she is giving you the cold shoulder, and many of those reasons have nothing to do with you. Don't just assume that you are the cause of her emotional flip-flopping.
- Give her space: Sometimes, she needs some room to think about her feelings, and constantly being around her is not helping the situation. Back off for a while and see what happens. This is especially true if you have made it clear that you have feelings for her.
- Be nice: The next time you see her be nice and cordial, don't act like anything has been bothering you. If you feel the need to say something, don't make it out to be some big deal. Blowing the situation out of proportion will only make things worse.
What Not to Do if She Is Ignoring You
Guys, if you do find yourself in this kind of situation there are some things you need to refrain from doing; otherwise, you will only make the situation worse.
- Don't be needy: If she suddenly stops texting or talking to you, please do not smother her with attention; this will make you seem desperate and needy. Instead, give her some space and see how things develop.
- Don't get angry: Reacting with anger will torpedo any chance of a relationship, and it is not a good look for any guy. Instead, try to remain calm and find something else to think about instead of obsessing and flipping out.
Questions & Answers
Question: We're flirting with each other. I feel that she likes me, then all of a sudden, she is getting cold then hot. I am confused, and now I am ignoring her. Am I doing it right?
Answer: When you are feeling confused by a woman, it's often because she is confused herself, so I don't think that ignoring her is the solution. It might pique her interest for a while, but on a deeper level, she will no longer trust that she can depend on you in the future. It would be better to encourage communication. This might simply mean letting her know that you're there if she needs you and then stepping back and waiting, or going out together and really talking.
Question: We flirt all the time: touching, laughing, and just lighting up when we look at each other. Then, when I asked her out to lunch and gave her options, she declined. What is going on?
Answer: There could be a number of reasons for this. Does she flirt with everyone, or only with you? She may just enjoy the attention she gets from flirting and not want anything more. If she only has eyes for you, then perhaps you are responding more than others to her flirting, or perhaps she does like you but something in her life is holding her back from taking it further. If you want to continue to pursue a possible relationship with her, probably the best thing to do is to continue as you have been with the flirting and keep your eyes and ears open for clues as to what is happening in her life. You can drop a few hints and give her the opportunity to ask you out instead. After a while, the chance might come again for you to ask her, but don't rush it as you don't want to make her feel uncomfortable.
Question: I am in love with a married woman and she is a doctor. She doesn't even look me. What should I do?
Answer: You have a crush on her. I'd hesitate to call it love as it doesn't sound like you know her very well at all. It's more like you are idolizing who you think she is rather than the real person. I believe that everyone at some stage is attracted to someone unavailable, but we have to respect that this person has made a commitment to someone else. She isn't looking at you because she loves her husband and is faithful to him. I know it is difficult to let go emotionally, but try to get out and meet other people. Once you meet someone available who can love you back, you'll forget this woman and find the happiness you deserve.
Question: I've been suddenly ignored not just by one single girl, but by every girl I've had good chemistry with. Early on, there are almost certain signs of interest/attraction but at some point, it becomes cold, then awkward. If you believe in MBTI, I'm an INTP. I still can't figure out an explanation for this trend. What does your hunch say?
Answer: If you find that you're having any recurring relationship problem, it's best to discuss it with someone who you really trust, or with a professional. Normally with anything recurring like this, there is something that you are unconsciously doing to sabotage the relationship. There's not enough information here for me to even guess at what is happening, but your friends and family know you and can probably offer some good advice. You mention your personality type, but that shouldn't stop you from having the meaningful, uncomplicated relationship that you deserve.
Question: Why would you not say "stay away from her"? Why would you tell anyone to accept a relationship from someone who's been ignoring them? If anyone does this to anyone else, they don't deserve that person in their life.
Answer: Not all ignoring is malicious. One person might ignore another because he or she doesn't know how to cope with a situation. You are clearly a very good communicator, but you are one of the lucky ones. Many people find it difficult to express feelings, and they clam up when confronted with conflict or confusion. Definitely communication is better than ignoring; good communication would solve most of our relationship problems. I know it seems turned around, but often ignoring someone is really a cry out to that other person to help get that communication started.
Question: Why is she hot and cold in a long distance relationship?
Answer: Long distance relationships come with challenges not usually experienced by regular couples. There needs to be an even higher degree of trust and clear communication so that both parties feel secure. Acting hot and cold in a distance relationship could be a sign that the person isn't fully committed. This really isn't fair to the other. I'd suggest being open to her about your concerns. Don't be accusatory; it's more important to reveal how her actions are making you feel so that you can work through the issues in a safe, constructive way. Hopefully this will improve your communication for a more successful, lasting relationship.
Question: Why did she ignore me from the day we were almost going to have sex until now?
Answer: It's not clear from your question as to whether she has now stopped ignoring you, or if she has ignored you ever since that fateful day. If she is now talking to you, I think you need to talk about why she did this to you. It might be a difficult conversation, but it is important to have it with her. If she is still ignoring you, my first guess is that she thought she was ready for sex with you, but then when it was about to happen she got scared or changed her mind and didn't know how to tell you. he more time passed, the harder it would be for her to fess up to you what had happened. I would suggest that you contact her and make it clear that you don't have any expectations of her. See if you can go and have a coffee during the day so that she knows that all you are going to do is talk. If you do get the chance, it is very important that you listen carefully to her, make her feel safe and avoid being judgemental towards her.
Question: I took a girl at work to lunch, then felt I'd given her too much attention, so I ignored her. According to my co worker, she has a reputation for flirting and a boyfriend. She seemed really frustrated that I ignored her, so I started giving her attention again. The next day she started to ignore me; just a short greeting. Now she's stopped talking to me and even tries to avoid me. What should I do now?
Answer: If you give someone extremely mixed signals, she or he will end up ignoring you just for self preservation. I'm sure you meant no harm, but If you try and see things from the girl's point of view, you'll understand why she must be very confused and hurt. She would have no idea why you took her out only to then ignore her, and when you started with the attention again, she couldn't trust that you wouldn't just start ignoring her again for no reason. That doesn't necessarily explain why she's now you. Perhaps you are unintentionally pressuring her because you want to make things better, or perhaps she has heard that you acted on your co worker's gossip. I think the best way to move forward is firstly for you to know what you want from this girl. If you are pursuing a relationship, then probably the best action to take would be to apologise, explain that you were confused about your feelings, and ask her out. If you just want to ease the tension in the office, be casually pleasant to her from now on, and leave it at that. I hope you manage to patch things up so that you can enjoy a peaceful workplace.
Question: I have been seeing a woman since May. Our spouses passed away and we found out that her husband was my wife's doctor. We've both just come out of bad relationships and have, I feel, great chemistry between us. Our first two dates were two and four hours long. She seemed strongly interested until the third date which we had in her apartment. It felt right being with her but not in that intimate setting. I don't know if she's insecure or if she's truly giving mixed signals?
Answer: Based on what you have told me, I suspect that she is very interested in you, but is still not ready to take your relationship into the bedroom. You did nothing wrong. She didn't realize that she would feel under pressure having you in her apartment. Once you were there she felt nervous and uncomfortable because she didn't know how to tell you how she was feeling. Be gentle, patient and understanding with her until she feels more confident, as it seems to me that this is a relationship worth pursuing.
Question: I have shared a lot of good memories with a close friend of mine. I had no idea that she liked me, until I have punned something that may have provoked her feelings. I don't feel the same way, but I don't want to lose my friend. What should I do, since she has shut me out?
Answer: Embarrassment for revealing unreciprocated feelings can often cause one person to ignore another. Organise to meet with her in a casual, non romantic setting, like having a coffee or going for a walk together somewhere with lots of people around. She's embarrassed right now, but the feeling will subside. If she has told you that she likes you, gently let her know that you are flattered but that you don't feel the same way. Reassure her that you value her and the friendship and before you part, organise to do something with her again. If she hasn't told you about her feelings, she may be unsure of how much you've guessed. Still meet with her, but don't mention her feelings for you at all. Be careful not to lead her on, but cautiously let her know that you are not available to her as a partner. You could casually suggest another potential partner, or mention someone else that you possibly "like". If she is still shutting you out, persevere with contacting her. Sometimes it's very hard for men and women to remain friends; often it either becomes a relationship or the friendship drifts apart. I hope you two can work it out.
Question: What if you just started dating and the girl was crazy about you? Totally unexpectedly she is in the hospital for many days, and then she cuts you off completely and you don't hear from her at all.
Answer: I can imagine how distressing this must be for you. You don't mention whether you saw her while she was ill or if you know what was wrong. Did you make an effort to see her and support her while she was in the hospital? If you ignored her, then she probably feels that you don't care about her. If you have done everything that a supportive partner would do, maybe you could ask a mutual friend or one of her relatives to try and find out what happened to make her cut you off. It might be nothing to do with you. Perhaps the medical reason for going to the hospital has made her have to reassess her life and she doesn't know how to tell you. If you love this girl, be kind, understanding and patient, and let her know gently through whatever means possible that you still care for her.
Question: Why are women hookers?
Answer: If you mean women in general, then this is a very misogynistic point of view. If you are asking why some women choose to become hookers, then I guess it is up to each individual's situation. Some find pleasuring others for money to be a rewarding career, some do it because they see it as easy money, and others are tragically forced into prostitution due to difficult situations such as an abusive home or drug abuse.
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