Why Does a Girl Act Hot and Cold? She is Confusing Me!

Updated on June 22, 2016

Guys, you know the feeling ... one minute she is totally into you, and the next she is ignoring you. Why do women do that? Is she really into you, or is she playing you? What is going on?

Okay, well I readily (and I guess somewhat shamefacedly and somewhat proudly) admit that I have been guilty of the sin of giving mixed signals to men, in certain times of my life, due to certain circumstances. Here are some of my personal reasons why I have acted that way.

Remember! Every woman is different, so don't take the ideas below as gospel. This is just one (that's me xxx) woman's honest opinion.

She's Reacting to Mixed Signals From You

If I am attracted to a man, and I feel that he is sending me mixed signals, then I get nervous. What if he doesn't really like me? What if he's playing me? What if he's already attached and I don't know yet? I will flirt when I feel safe to flirt, but if I feel even the slightest hint that he isn't responsive to my flirting, I will back off and pretend that I'm not all that interested. I might even ignore him the next time I see him, until he gives me some sign again that he is interested in me. Then I will open up again.

Women are sensitive—more than most men (and women) realize! I often take things personally, even if it is not intended that way. If you are having a bad day or are stressed or whatever, just take a second to let me know that THAT is the reason you are brushing me off. Then I will not think it is something that I have done, I'll be happy to give you your space, and I'll be there for you when you are more emotionally available.

She's Into Your Friend

I really, really, REALLY like him, but I'm too shy to flirt outright with him. Soooo, I flirt with the closest person to him because I feel safe and there's no risk. The closest person is usually his friend. Sorry Friend, but if you are honest, you'll admit that you do it to us women too! It means that I can be flirty, funny, charming and everything else wonderful, but if I am rejected by the man I like, well, I wasn't flirting with him was I ? ... ;) ... so I can save face.

The advice here is that if a woman is openly flirting with you, you need to check her body language to see if her attention is fully on you, or if it is on someone else in the room. Same goes if a woman you like is openly flirting with someone else—is she quietly checking to make sure you notice? If a woman is seriously attracted to you, once she receives positive signals from you that you are interested in her, she should stop flirting with your friends. On the other hand, if you make her feel put down or insecure, even in an established relationship, she may just turn to your friends for a much needed confidence boost!

It's Inappropriate

No matter how crazy I might be about a man, sometimes it is inappropriate to flirt or even admit an interest. At these times, I may seem suddenly cold and unresponsive or even ignore him completely—it's not the man, it's the situation. Some examples of this might be:

  • We work together and I don't want to flirt in the office and start rumours.
  • Either my or your ex is somewhere in the vicinity and I don't want any conflict.
  • You are / I am / we are both married or unavailable in some way, and I don't want our feelings made public.
  • Someone has said something about our relationship, and I want to prove them wrong or throw them off the scent.
  • I'm pretending to others that I'm not interested in you for whatever reason ... trust me!

She's Punishing You

If a guy has hurt me, I'm going to be angry. When I love someone, it opens up my emotions in every way—not just my feelings towards him, but feelings that I have kept repressed for much of my life. I open up to and with him, so if he disappoints me (and he will—he's human), it's like reliving bad memories. I will more than likely overreact, and if he tells me I'm overreacting, I will be even more upset with him. I will punish him by shutting him out and perhaps letting others get closer.

This is the time to listen to a woman. Don't offer advice, just listen. If you felt the same way, you would probably walk away and spend time alone, but a woman needs to talk about it. She is not attacking you personally, she just needs to work her way through the problem. Once she has sorted it out in her head, she will realize and admit that she was overly emotional, and she'll be ready to show appreciation to you for letting her vent.

She's Feeling Insecure ... Help!

Maybe something has happened to make me feel unsure about myself or about our relationship. I'm worried that things are not right. I need the man to prove himself to me. Once, he would have gone off and killed something for our dinner, and I would have known everything was okay. These days, it's a little more complicated. I might test him by being aloof, sad, or perhaps even angry. If he walks away and doesn't give me a sign that he cares, I definitely will be angry. I need him to show me love—he needs to tell me and show me, and then everything will be okay again.

She's Playing You

I'm not interested in him, but I know he has feelings for me, and I love the attention. If he comes on too strong, I'll do everything I can to put him off. If he loses interest, I miss the attention and try to regain it. It's mean, it's cruel, and unfortunately it happens often.

If a woman is doing this to you, move on!

She's Not Into You, but She's Polite

Lots of men are attractive, but that doesn't mean that I want a relationship with all of them. Some men are downright unattractive, but they are still people with feelings and emotions. Sometimes I might just feel flirty, but today I might not notice a man I flirted with yesterday. Sometimes I might politely respond to flirting because it would be rude to do otherwise. Sometimes I might really like a man, but just not in a relationship kind of way, if you get my drift ....

If a woman is attracted to you enough to want to get to know you better, perhaps intimately, you will know. She will find a way to let you know.

In Summary

I'm not going to pretend otherwise: Woman are complex and complicated individuals, often much more so than men.

I think that the trick, if there is one, in dealing with mixed signals from a woman, is to look at the whole situation. What has just happened? Who is around? What is the woman's overall response to you?

As I said at the beginning, I am definitely guilty of sending mixed signals. However, I personally don't believe that there is one guy out there who I've ever liked—be it a crush or a full on relationship—who didn't know for sure, 100%, that I had feelings for him.

© 2010 herpointofview


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      Ahmed 6 hours ago

      I neeeed her she mostly laugh at my jokes and gives smile and and laugh even the jokes were not funny the whole class quits but she laughed loudly now I flirt with another girl so she started acting like a stranger why ???

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      grant77 7 days ago

      Yeah I have just been played and it sucks. Fell for a woman and she was just stringing me along until someone better (more money) comes along. Starting to wonder if everything she said to me was just one big lie i.e I am the first man that she can really open up to and how I feel so comfortable talking to you etc etc. Then to just cut me off completely is such a c@#t move.

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      Jay 2 months ago

      Hi, right I split with my ex wife of 15 years 5 months ago, walked straight into something I wasnt ready for. Then whilst on the way to sort out my divorce bump into an old school friend who I grew up with since we were 3 years old (my girl next door I guess) & always like a lot. We chat, she invites me for coffee at her place, I go and we have a great time. Now I never had the bottle when we where young to say anything, we went our separate ways in life. We were seeing each other & texting night & day for two weeks getting to know each other again, talking about everything from school, families (that live next door to each other), previous relationships (her last ended 2 years ago, the bloke was a fool, beat her & all sorts) it becomes flirty, I now 20 years on tell her how much I like her. Now I thought crap she is going to laugh but it turns out she felt the same but wouldnt do anything as I was in a "relationship". I said fine, what if I wasnt in a "relationship". She said thats a chance you take & like a fool I took that chance. I dumped the girl I was seeing, told the old friend & she turned around and said she likes her life as it is with her two sons, doesnt want a relationship, doesnt want a sex partner or anything. What the hell is that about? We havent spoke for a couple of days, today I had my two girls, took them to the park with my young niece. She is there with her mates & youngest boy (4), he runs over we say hello and fist pump like I taught him during the two weeks. My youngest daughter runs to her & says hello, pretty much being ignored. We didnt even look at each other at the same time let alone say hello. Felt awkward so left and went for coffee & cake with my girls & niece, went back later & had our park fun as she had gone. Again what the hell, Im lost? Any ideas?

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      John 2 months ago

      My situation is a little different. I dated this girl 13 years ago. After we split I still kept in touch from time to time. For the last 3 years (we both with other people) I would stop in the bar she worked in from time to time to catch up. She went through a bad break up about 5 months ago, the guy locked her out the house and threw all her clothes and belongings away. She was basically homeless. She called me one night to hang out and we started hanging out more and more . She finally moved into an apartment and was trying to get herself straight. Things started to move into going out on dates, sleeping together and just having fun but there was still this kinda standoffish at times. Finally we went to go eat at a really nice restraunt and had a great time (keep in mind she is acting like we are together around friends and everywhere. I made a comment joking about taking a shower at her apartment (how she might mind it) which she thought was rediculas but it opened up a conversation as to how she feels. This is what was said. "I like where this is going, I have a great time with you, I think it will happen. I am physically ready but not mentally yet. I want to continue what we are doing. Then Bam don't hear from her for 2 days. I dont force her or blow her phone up. Im going to a function se invited me to in 2 days. I guess my question is. "Does this type of crap ever work out or iam I wasting my time.m In the meantime I amdoing what I do. When I am with her, Im with her, when im not I am doing my normal shit.

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      Josh Huntry 2 months ago

      So im in highschool and i've had a crush on this girl and we've been on the same bus since 4th grade. Starting 7th grade i've started having feelings for her and for a while I thought she was in to me too. But starting like 4 days ago last monday... she hasn't been ignoring me but she's been acting a little more blunt. I'm not sure if she's interested or not anymore. And it dosn't help that my friend sent a message to her on my phone on snapchat saying I like her like I was the one who sent it, and I'd never think she'd get it because she lost her phone, and I cant remember if those thing dissaper after 1 hr too or what. But coincidencentally she found her phone about a week ago and im not sure if she saw the message, if she's playing hard to get, or generally is not interested. She's not being rude but she's just not been acting the same. Any help would be greatly appriciated

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      Sweetleaf 2 months ago

      A little bit of background :english not my language, I'm a female in my late 20s she's 24 years-old a single lesbian ,we don't directly work together at the same job but have been in a professional relationship the last 4 months we barely know each other but I noticed that she talked to me differently she praised me a lot she touch my arm when ever she had the chance .I'm from a religious background in never thought about liking girls before she's the only one I liked it was so excited to see her again I couldn't stop thinking about her all I wanted was understanding her orientation so I started to read and search is just didn't want to hurt her and same time I really wanted to see where things going to go even that I had a conflict with my self that it's going to end sore but because of my religion but I didn't mind I know it's a something in my beliefs that I go to hell for but you know what I really didn't mind anyways she had a vacation and I was dying because I want to see her in was prepared to talk and asked her out here's the shock when she back to work she saw me and smiled at me but my fucking brain freeze i passed in front of her pretending not seeing her well I ignored her I don't know why I did something like that I never did this to anyone why this is happened to the most important person in my life I really don't get it is can't believe that i hurt her and I know how this cause pain anyway I went to her office and I said hi she was surprised all I wanted was to wash away the pain and apologize just explain things ,unfortunately she didn't gave me the chance she excuse to leave because she had work to do it don't want to make her feel uncomfortable I want to say I'm sorry I don't want to hurt her even that I did .how do I handle this situation and what should I do if don't want to say sorry about something she could deny ?I'm lost but sure of one thing is that I don't want to hurt her

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      Daniel 3 months ago

      I'm stuck between "she's punishing you" and "she's playing you" they both sound about the same...can someone break those two down to me.

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      Gordon Purkis 3 months ago from Atlanta

      Thank you for this. I seem to repeat this same pattern but it's important to remember that if she's into me, she will let me know. If not, it's OK too.

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      herpointofview 4 months ago

      Hi Nick, I can't tell you what is going on in her head, but I honestly feel that you deserve to be treated better than this. Just guessing from your post, it seems that perhaps she enjoys the attention and attraction she feels from you, but is actively avoiding taking it any further. It is hard because obviously you really like her, but there are plenty of women who would genuinely love to have a relationship with your nice self without the need to play games. I don't believe you have done anything wrong, so don't doubt yourself. If pressed to give advice, I would say to distance yourself and move on. Easier said than done when you are emotionally invested, I know, but in the long run, I think you would be happier without her.

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      Nick 4 months ago

      @herpointofview This is an interesting article, I'm hoping maybe you can give me some advice as to what I should do with my situation.

      I'll try to keep it brief. Around 6 years ago I fell for one of my workmates, we quickly became best friends and everything we did was great. She had a boyfriend at the time, and I foolishly told her I had feelings for her. Long story short it became messy, she broke up with him and just at the point I thought I had her it all fell apart. When she got with a new guy it was too hard to so we fell out of touch.

      Now 6 years later I noticed randomly she was always the top of my Instagram stories viewer list. Looking it up I found this person was likely the person who looks at your page the most, off given we haven't spoken in years nor does she interact with my posts. So I put a feeler out, and shot her a random message on Messenger. She took to it quickly, and for the next 5 weeks we were messaging daily, she'd send me pictures and tell me what she was up to. After a while we agreed to meet up, we talked till the early hours of the morning, and a few days lated we watched a movie on her bed where she was comfortable enough to fall asleep beside me. She came around to my place a few times and always acted very happy around me, but being hurt before I was hesitant to make the first move hoping she'd give me a sign it's 'ok'. 3 weeks ago we spent the afternoon together, talked for hours, I made her dinner and left late, and we talked about catching for coffee and me visiting her ward. When I left she said in hopeful tone 'We'll catch up again soon'? To which I replied 'Of course'. That was the last time I saw her, our messaging slowed over the following 2 weeks, though when I went overseas for a week (ironically to detox the situation) she was all over it again, always asking 'How my day was' and taking interest in my activities. While overseas I asked her out to dinner, which she agreed, all seemed well. I arrived back this week and no messages, except for Wednesday - the day we were supposed to do dinner where she messaged to say she couldn't do it due to prior plans with her flatmate who was leaving for France (seemed legitimate). She agreed to reschedule, and we had a nice messenger conversation, same the following night where she apologized for talking a while to reply as I know she is really busy at the moment. I mentioned we could go out for breakfast one day to the café I visited, her response was "sounds great", and then I told her I had a busy Friday and her last message was "Hope it all goes smoothly for you!". On Friday morning I tagged her in a FB post of one of our 'in-jokes' - got no response. I messaged her just after working saying I was happy to have all my work done, and asked how her day was - seen but no reply. It's been 4 days and she hasn't attempted to communicate. She's started posting a few pictures of herself out and about to her Instagram account, I've not 'liked' any, nor attempted to communicate with her. I did notice she is back to the top of my viewer list - being one of the first people to view one of my posts within minutes yesterday (she doesn't spend much time in Insta, but knows I put a lot of content on there).

      I don't think there are any other guys involved, and she only a week ago seemed to really care and be interested in me. I don't think I did or said anything offense, I did ask to hang out a few times as it's been 3 weeks but surely that's no reason to start ignoring someone? 4 days isn't long but when you're messaging daily for 7 weeks it seems an obvious change to not speak at all, particularly to ignore a message entirely? Maybe I was too nice??

      Any thoughts or ideas???

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      ArthurAdamsDent 4 months ago from Winnipeg, Canada

      "Woman are complex and complicated individuals, often much more so than men. "

      With all do respect any man who has even a modicum of self respect and simply disregard whats has been written in this article. It seems that this article is targeted towards younger people , but i will beg tour pardon and add something to it.

      Within the dating sphere we as men have several built disadvantages. A number of them are that the current wave of dating websites and apps are directed towards women and not men. Also as men the cultural shift in the last 40 years has left the man having to fit dual roles in the social landscape.

      To get more to the point we have been properly asked to more sensitive and more understanding. which is of course is a good thing. We have also been expected to continue to be the"man" in dating, we have been expected to actually make the pursuit of a woman that we may have an interest in.

      This article seems to be at least on the surface to be of an aid to men in their dating experiences. But i think the better advice for men going into dating as equals. Have your own expectations and limits. Pursuing is fine up to a point where your own feelings are becoming damaged by the women you are pursuing.

      In short treat women with the same respect that you yourself would expect, and if that doesn't happen then a man should know that it's time for a change.

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      Quinn 4 months ago


      That was a really bad move. You should have stopped after the first "dirty message," IMO. If she was withdrawing already and obviously lukewarm after the first time, then you just scared her off with the follow up messages. I'd back off entirely with the sexual stuff.

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      herpointofview 5 months ago

      You might be getting the signs and just not recognising them. While I'm not romantic enough to believe that everyone has a soulmate, I do think that absolutely everyone has qualities that other people are attracted to. From your comment alone, it seems to me that perhaps you are lacking confidence, and I can tell that you are unhappy with the situation. Do you have any female friends you could ask to see if they can spot a reason why women might not seem interested? If not, maybe talk someone professional, as the anonymity can help. You are obviously intelligent which a lot of women like, and if you can enhance your attractive qualities, I think you'll find that women will notice.

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      Paul 5 months ago

      This is a helpful article, but totally academic for guys like me. I never get signs of interest from women. In my entire life (I'm 34), no woman has flirted with me or shown the slightest interest in me even once - not in high school, college, grad school or the workplace. Guys who get signs from women - however temporary - are lucky. Some of us just get to dream that a (any) woman will even acknowledge our very existence.

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      Pablo 5 months ago

      A great insight with no quesions within questions.

      Thanks Pablo

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      Steve 6 months ago

      I've known this girl for a few years now though we have yet to meet in person. Over the last year we've grown a lot closer and I've been her emotional support. She's shy and very self conscious. I started developing feelings for her and I believe she's developed feelings for me. She used to always find reasons to message me and ask me questions about things etc. Over the last month she seems to have gone a bit cold and distant. We are business partners as well and she no longer asks for my input on things which she always used to do. It all seemed to start when she took a trip on which I'm sure a few days were spent visiting her ex's parents. I'm not sure if her ex was around or not but I know something that she has not disclosed made her terribly upset when she arrived at her destination to the point where she was crying. She has since returned and still seems a bit distant. I asked her if I could come visit soon and she said she's "*pretty* sure" the date I want to arrive is fine as her mother is coming to visit and she has family friends coming to stay with her for a week. She emphasized "pretty" just as I did above. Now her family friends are there staying with her for a week, she doesn't know that I figured out that those "family friends" are her ex's parents. We've been communicating on an app that allows me to see when she's read my messages. She responds to some and just reads others. I don't message her a lot, I never have. Using that app I recently texted her a very dirty sexual text message telling her that she's driving me crazy and what I wanted to do to her. She responded almost immediately with a bunch of embarrassed faced emojis saying she was surprised (I had never given her any reason to think I was interested in her before and what I said to her seemed very out of my character) and that she was happy about it, sent smiley faces, and told me not to worry. After that it went back to her just reading some messages and not replying. So I tested the waters again and sent her another dirty sexual text about what I wanted to do to her. She just replied "Ha!" Sent regular messages to her here and there, she'd reply to some and just read others and even just stopped replying in a conversation. So to test further I sent another dirty message and immediately after told her if she ever tires of me telling her what dirty thoughts I'm having when I look at her good or bad let me know and don't be afraid to tell me how she feels. She read it no response. So needless to say I'm still confused as to where she stands and I think her ex's parents visiting her may have something to do with it. Any advice from a woman's perspective?

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      anonymus 6 months ago


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      BLaw 7 months ago

      So i've been dating this wonderful Japanese girl for a couple of months, we had our seventh date yesterday. She has a little girl, and doesn't get a sitter so she's with her daughter monday through thursday evening, then friday-sunday when her ex has custody she works nights at a restaurant and gets off at 11. We've hung out either lunches or after she's off work. In person she is ALWAYS very sweet and we make out and it's wonderful. Then she'll be very warm over text usually immediately afterward, and then go cold-ish.

      I know she's busy but she used to send me good mornings, and goodnights a lot more. We still text every day, but normally I initiate it now. When she's busy and doesn't have time or has to cancel plans she never has a counter offer. So i feel a little bit like i'm doing everything.

      Now that i'm writing this out it sounds like a conspiracy theory lol; but it's weird to me to feel stuck on square 1 after seven dates. At one point she talked about me meeting her daughter and hasn't brought it up since. I make her laugh like crazy (i do standup so it's not all that hard) and I know she has fun, but part of me is exhausted from having the "hot first date" experience seven times in a row.

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      Ampal 8 months ago


      there is woman who likes me but i acted like creepy and now she us ignoring me,she don't look at me,she looks a little bit angry and nervous.when she passed by me she turn her face to another side and don't look at me.

    • herpointofview profile image

      herpointofview 10 months ago

      This article is targeted to those in a new relationship. There should not be games after ten months, and I can understand your frustration. I think that if you are serious about staying with this woman, maybe you should get some professional relationship advice, as it is not good for you to be in this situation.

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      herpointofview 10 months ago

      If a woman is deliberately playing games with you, I agree. However, I don't think it is always that simple. It is rare for a person to be without any insecurities, and often these are brought out when there is the potential for a relationship with someone really special. I think that being understanding and reassuring at the onset of a possible relationship is the key. Once you have made it clear to her that you are interested in her and in having a relationship with her, the games should stop. If they don't, then there most likely is most a problem.

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      Ann 10 months ago

      Tips for men and Lesbians. If a woman plays games with you. It's a red flag! DROP HER IMMEDIATELY! She is not worth the headache or stress. Women like that are damaged, have low self-esteem, insecure, attention whores, need for control, etc.

      She can never offer you trust and respect because she is cold hearted Bitch.

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      Joe Blow 11 months ago

      This is rubbish advice

      I've been seeing her for 10 months and its always the same - hot for a few weeks - all lovey dovey then cold as ice. It drives me nuts

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      Tom 11 months ago


      I am so confused, please help!

      I am 15 and I had a really good friend in school for a few months but we both liked each other. so, we started flirting and then after about a week and a half, we got together... It was really great and I could tell she really liked me but then we went for the holidays and didn't see each other for about 4 weeks and then on the first day back she said she doesn't want to be in a relationship and that being in a relationship stresses her out. I didn't really believe that that is why she broke up with me and I assumed that after 4 weeks she had just lost interest in me but our friends say that she still likes me. Every once in a while I think she might still like me but generally she seems quite normal. I keep trying to get over her but I see her every day and am getting mixed signals so I just feel worse and worse.

      I have no idea whats going on... Does she still like me? Can I get her back? Should I just give up?

      Can you help me out?

    • herpointofview profile image

      herpointofview 13 months ago

      @Jimmy, You seem offended by my use of the word "complex". I was not suggesting that men are simple, just that women are more guided by their emotions, which makes their decision making process more complicated. I don't believe that emotional equates to irrational, and there are benefits and difficulties associated with both types of decision making. When it comes to emotional response, I think the differences between men and women lead us to being able to find solutions that are both practical and empathetic.

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      herpointofview 13 months ago

      @Gg You were not stupid. If a girl who is already in a committed relationship deliberately makes you feel that you have a chance with her, that is not your fault. However, people (men and women) also playfully flirt just because they find someone attractive. This is just human nature, and as long as the boundaries are clear, there is nothing wrong with this. It is when someone is deliberately deceived that it causes pain and becomes cruel. Take heart. We all have past date experiences that we would rather forget. Look to the future and use your experience to help you find a girl who gives you the love and commitment you deserve.

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      herpointofview 14 months ago

      @Khan, I can understand why you are confused. She is giving you a lot of signs, but this might be because, as you said, she is unhappy in her marriage and she might be looking for a boost to her confidence and an excuse to leave her husband. Of course, not knowing you both, I can't give definitive advice, but you might find this article helpful. It was written for women, but is just as relevant to men: https://pairedlife.com/dating/Crush-on-a-Married-M... I hope that you find happiness!

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      Khan 14 months ago


      Its complicated and I am confused. Please help me out!

      She is a married women and she is my relative the day when I saw her it was like whooooo! This story started when we were traveling together with my family she was sitting beside me and don't know she was intentionally allowing me to touch her body and my arm was touching to her tits and she allowed me. After an hour later I couldn't control myself and my hand was on her thighs, again she allowed me. After that I called her and I asked is she angry on me for what happened? She reacted as if we did nothing I thought it was a signal then straight away she pushed me and said no and left and she went outside and called me and said don't do this again its not correct. I said OK! Then I couldn't control and started texting her and called her she used to answer my call and whenever I text her saying you look good in xxxx dress. She dresses up in that same way and when I text her about hairstyle she follows it. There are many thing I cant explain that she is attracted towards me but she never admits it and my problem is like you know I cant even share with my friends. I just need a simple way how to make her admit and allow me. I know she is not happy with her husband I dont want to hurt her. I just want to make her happy for some moments because she is very nice humble and polite and obviously she is beautiful. I dont understand what to do please help me out of this it would be great help!

    • herpointofview profile image

      herpointofview 18 months ago

      @JMD, Thank you for your honesty. You must be feeling very sad and disappointed. It sounds to me like this guy had been played before by someone else and was sensitive about it happening again. So often potential relationships are destroyed by lack of communication, understanding and by our own or our partner's insecurities. Women are always being told not to come on too strong, not to be too obvious and to play hard to get, or a man will not be interested. We're told that a man likes to chase a woman. Open, honest women are often portrayed as nerds, stalkers or desperate, or at the other end of the spectrum, as easy or promiscuous. Communication isn't easy when there is already a minefield of misconceptions to negotiate.

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      JMD 18 months ago

      I have flirted with someone whom I think is amazing and everything was going well, and he was touching my arm, and it was turning me on and I was enjoying everything but then:

      1) I got nervous about us doing thing in front of his mother and our close friends since, we had not really talked about anything and I didn't want to rush to something in front of everyone without talking a little first.

      2) I felt too turned on by him in that moment, so I moved away to calm myself down.

      3) I started thinking about some factors occurring in my life, which were very significant, and how I wasn't sure if he would be able to deal with me while they would affect me so much (including my immigration status).

      Because I moved away from the group to think more about what to do next, since I did like him SO MUCH and didn't want to jump in too quickly with all these pending factors looming, he assumed I didn't like him.

      I really just wanted a few moments to spend privately, to flirt and chat rather than in front of a group. I like PDA, but usually I prefer that in front of friends and family when things are clear between people. If it were a bar or something, it wouldn't be so bad-- but these are important people, and every move was not something I would take lightly (his mom was present).

      He got pissed off and thought I was just playing with his emotions which I would NEVER do. I was just trying to do things slowly and more intentionally-- with more verbal communication first.

      He left and now, I think he thinks I was giving him the cold shoulder and trying to play him in front of our friends and his family.

      It's sad because I felt he was amazing in that moment, and I was so in shock that someone so amazing and magical appeared in my life when I least expected it. Then I thought so many things are up in the air-- I'm afraid he wouldn't understand. I guess he didn't.

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      18 months ago

      I just do not get this one girl currently, it's like she expects me to read her mind. The thing is, the lesson I learn from this one girl 2 years ago, even the ones you might think they're into you, they will use you for the attention too.

      If a girl isn't clear whether you should pursue her, then there's no point.

      The same goes for putting energy into trying to woo her, or even in a friendship, being the one obvious trying to keep in contact, either relationship, isn't healthly. It's likely that neither of you are compatible enough, one of youhas to change.

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      David T 3 years ago

      Women are so immature. I dont trust the majority of them in a loving and caring relationship wise... sources past relationships...

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      Joniel 3 years ago

      Finally. Just thank you

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      J2 3 years ago

      ^^please continue

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      jjjjjjj 3 years ago


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      Spectrum MAN! Returns! 4 years ago

      Well, I got into a relationship shortly after my previous post above from 10 months ago. Although I feel things are going to end relatively soon, I must at least give myself credit for getting as far as I have with this girl, who was super closed off. She is 25 and I am her first everything. The relationship is waaay too much to get into at the moment, but it's making me question whether or not I wish to try again. Her suicide attempt and her bipolar spectrum behaviors are the most difficult things to deal with, and being a man on the autism spectrum who hasn't had much experience with relationships, you can imagine how hard it was/is for me to play the game right and know how to act properly, especially when a suicide attempt and an additional mental issue is thrown into the mix. Yes, fact remains that nice guys finish last, BUT how was I supposed to act during the whole suicide attempt aftermath, especially when I was the only one there for her?

      Needless to say, I did screw up a few times by being too nice and she tried to demote me to "just friends" status, but I was smart enough to know better than to accept that and walk away each time. She did end up coming and asking for me back each time. However, .... flash forward to today and I've pretty much had it with her behavior. I'm not sure if the pain of leaving her will exceed the pain of being with her, but... I'm on the verge of giving her keys back, taking my stuff and completely cutting her off. I know that chances are that I may very well go another ten + years or even a lifetime without finding anyone new, but at least I have two choices outside of long term relationships:

      1, just accept being alone and enjoy it as much as possible and be thankful that I at least know how to make friends now, or

      2, get back into the player mentality and enjoy whoever I choose while it lasts and avoid getting attached, like I used to.

      And Elise, yes, I read your response. I appreciate it. However, I have to admit that being on the autism spectrum does affect relationships. It doesn't help that I've lost some skills while in this relationship because I haven't been approaching and practicing with as many girls, and this girl I am with is very closed off and stays to herself - and does so by choice, as she doesn't have social anxiety. I've made the mistake of committing too much to her and becoming too attached to her. Not sure if she is attached to me though...

      I do admit that some of the times she wanted to take a break or break up had to do with the fact that she had doubts about the relationship since I did hold back my feelings a lot and pretended to care less than I actually did. But then again, I did NOT get her attention in the first place by being a "nice guy," and I did notice that when I began to mess up and slide in that direction, that's when she would begin to lose some interest. She used to get a little upset when I didn't text her at least every other day or tell her where I was going, but I knew better than to do things like that and become the nice guy who ends up just being a friend!

      I wont even get into more of this. I'll just flash forward and say that in the end, I've discovered that all the PUA material I've learned was accurate - you MUST know how to play games *properly* AND know how to be at least somewhat of a bad boy to attract woman, especially in the U.S. It doesn't matter if she has any mental issues or not - all women are pretty much programmed the same psychologically. You are required to know how to play the game, and if you ever stop doing whatever attracted her in the first place, THE ATTRACTION ITSELF STOPS. This is the precise reason so many relationships end and people (usually the guy) are left wondering what happened or why she cheated or why she isn't responding or showing as much interest anymore. They simply stopped doing what attracted her at first. Therefore, the attraction she felt towards him also stopped as well.

      Anyway.... despite not saying everything I felt like saying in full detail, I don't feel like continuing all this typing, so I'll stop here.

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      mrcanada9760 4 years ago

      I have been seeing this girl who is doing this very thing and it's driving me nuts. I was casually dating her and it was going well. Once I was no longer dating anyone else she professed her love for me and said she was scared I might hurt her which is why she backed away. We talked hypothetically about marriage, kids, churches, the whole nine yards. She dropped the "I love you" bomb all over the place. I figured I had landed a girlfriend and I was pretty happy about it because I really like the girl.

      Then in the span of a week, despite "communicating" with her daily, it feels labored. Like I am the one sending the texts and making the phone calls and sometimes its hours and hours before she responds. I like the girl and am wary about dating other people because I don't want to scare her off again. But if she's not into me anymore then who cares.

      I just wish she'd spit it out, where are we at. Does she still love me or has she changed her mind.

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      Travis 4 years ago

      My situation's a lil different, but similar to what I've read above. We had a great time for 2 weeks, she was all about me and all over me, when we last saw each other it was all smiles and amicable.

      Then outta nowhere she drops off the planet for a week and says she needs space and is acting hella cold and not giving me any actual reason behind it.

      It's weird cuz she's a logical girl and a feminist, so big deal for her to be in relationship. I'm thinkin that she couldn't handle the strong feelings and how quickly we clicked together. Thoughts anybody?

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      How about another perspective 4 years ago

      Guys, NEVER waste your emotional or physical energy entertaining a woman who is hot and cold. She has a problem with her relationship with herself, in short, she either does not know what she wants, or worse, has a deep rooted emotional crisis occurring at the subconscious level.

      A mature woman who has inner peace and strength is a beautiful creature. She will MAKE IT CLEAR where you stand with her, if you are not clear, she is not worth your time. Quickly, and politely, part ways while you seek a woman who knows what she is looking for, and has a mental state stable enough not to need male affirmation from the masses....only one man. And do yourself a favor, be a MAN.

    • herpointofview profile image

      herpointofview 4 years ago

      @kris ... You asked for examples of how to tell if a woman is attracted to you. This is for you:


      Hope it helps :)

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      scarybutnice 4 years ago

      All of the reasons given by herpointofview could equally apply to men who also go hot and cold. It's not any fun to make people feel insecure or hurt people. It's crap. It will totally backfire. It is okay to challenge a bit, keep a bit of mystery and some guess work. But this is a very delicate balancing act. Overdo it and it will turn someone off for ever. This applies to both genders. Men play just as many games as women. There is a huge difference between playing manipulative games and trying to manipulate someone's feelings (which ends up backfiring and gets no-one anywhere) and being a little bit of a challenge, leaving some mystery. An open book is not interesting. There has to be some mystery in order to create interest. And people do not value things that are handed to them on a plate. This applies to both genders.

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      kris 4 years ago

      "If a woman is attracted to you enough to want to get to know you better, perhaps intimately, you will know. She will find a way to let you know. "

      Mind giving my some examples?? Would much appreciate it.

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      U can't handle the truth 4 years ago

      This shows just how immature girls really are and that they never mature into adulthood as quick as men. Very few girls are down to earth until they become women which typically doesn't happen until they reach there late 20s or early 30s. What I find even more crazy is how much women hate it when men play them and then they get all angry and categorize all men are the same, but when they hear men saying all women are the same they are so quick to defend and say NO not all women are the same. Most women are a bunch of hypocrites these days and that's the real truth.

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      Guest 4 years ago

      It's because of how society raises them to be. They are taught that it's fun to hurt guys and make guys feel insecure. Girls playing hot and cold with guys is fun. Girls confusing guys is fun even to the point where guys punish them. Guys can't stop thinking. They need to keep thinking. They're the ones chasing after girls. Girls want guys to be hurt and broken. And guys deserve to be treated badly, burned, hurt, and broken all the time while girls should always push guys' buttons, test, them, and challenge them too much.

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      Alec 4 years ago

      I think you have pointed it right on this statement:

      "If a woman is attracted to you enough to want to get to know you better, perhaps intimately, you will know. She will find a way to let you know. "

      We, men, sometimes forget, or pretend it is contrary, that everytime (with no exception), a woman choose her own mate.

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      tired of the cr%& 4 years ago

      after reading this all i can say is women need to stop thinking, they have about 5000 reasons for breathing for gods sake. stop making everything so needlessly complicated!

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      Prttygrl 4 years ago

      I hate to break it to you guys but there is another thing it could b. she could be seeing someone else and isn't sure that's gonna work do she is keeping you around just in case.

      Sorry but it happens a lot

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      Kaihere 4 years ago

      Thanks for the insight. I've been dating a girl for about a month now and this last week she has cut our planned day together short, canceled a date because she was sick, and then today began texting me in a positive happy way, but gave a cold answer to a flirty text reply and then stopped texting me all together.

      I think colorsez hit the nail on the head with her 5th point that I did something to cause her to lose interest. My confusion is that if she lost interest in me, why is she initiating conversations?

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      scarybutnice 4 years ago

      jimshady - she is 'love shy'. If she acts fine around other men, but weirdly around you (assuming she doesn't actively dislike you which she doesn't otherwise she would avoid you) it means she has some romantic/sexual interest in you. This is surprisingly common. She gets tense when you are around so she closes off and cannot act normally. If a woman is very relaxed around a man, it often (but not always) means she is not interested in them as anything other than a friend. When people tense up around someone, it often (but not always) means that that person has affected them on an emotional level and they are processing their feelings. The only way to get into any kind of relationship with someone who is love-shy is to proceed very slowly, and take cues from their body language.

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      He Man 4 years ago

      It's not just women who act hot and cold. Men do it too. It's because you make yourself vulnerable to another person when you care about them. Acting hot and cold is just the mind's defence mechanisms in play. It's human nature to play games - everyone does it. It's nothing to worry about if it only happens during the courting phase. Once you're in a serious relationship, though, proper communication should kick in.

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      Rafael Smith 4 years ago

      Always Remember: Women are not nearly as complicated as they would like you to believe.

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      Anonymous 4 years ago

      very scarey women out there nowadays.

    • carrie Lee Night profile image

      Carrie Lee Night 4 years ago from Northeast United States

      Thank you for writing this hub based on your personal experiences :) For me I have never had this problem...if I feel something I express it bluntly even if I feared rejection. You shouldn't have to mind read or play games if you are truly interested in someone :) I guess the bottom line is to own your feelings and if the atmosphere changes come out with the explaination. Have a great week

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      jaredbangerter 4 years ago from New York City

      I appreciate this insight and this is the reason I will stay single forever. I don't have the energy to read minds and deal with this sort of madness. If I could find a down to earth girl who would just say what she felt, that would change it.

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      elise 4 years ago

      To Spectrum Man,

      I'm not autistic, but that doesn't make me normal. I'm typically outgoing, but I can become a very different person with men I like, so much so that I don't even recognize myself. I'll become extremely introverted, or I'll unintentionally give mixed signals. One day I'll be extroverted because I'm not uncertain of the situation in that moment, while the next day I'll be very quiet if I'm at all confused for any reason. I really need a man to be very direct and forthcoming, or I'll overanalyze and unfortunately misinterpret nearly everything. I'm telling you this because I'd like to suggest that your autism does not mark you as distinctly deviant from the norm (complete misnomer) as much as you may think it does.

      Please know this. I want a nice guy. Nice is very, very alluring. Nice draws me in before anything else. In my opinion, if you are sensitive, become attached to people with whom you feel a deep connection and treat people well, then you are exactly the kind of person that any stable woman would want to love. Your autism will not preclude a successful, long-term relationship or marriage. Don't resign yourself to the life of a player when clearly that is not who you are.

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      Spectrum Man! 4 years ago

      Being someone who is on the Autism Spectrum, understanding women or having long term success with them seems nearly impossible. I've finally improved my social skills to the point I've become the charismatic, fun, playful, and outgoing guy I've always dreamed of being. However, I've realized that I still have trouble reading women and knowing how to attract and keep one long term. I've also come to the conclusion that I have no choice but to be a player or live the player lifetime since I always tend to unknowingly do something wrong that causes women to disappear or start ignoring me for seemingly no reasons. I admit, before I worked on changing and normalizing myself to the point where I can now maintain somewhat of a normal social life, I did a lot of weird things to scare women (or people in general) away. Being a man who over analyzes, over-thinks and thinks / acts differently from majority society will NOT help you attract women, and it is 20 times worse if you come across as a nice guy. However, I've learned to change my ways enough to the point where I can (seemingly) attract women temporarily and have not figured out how to surpass that temporary step. Therefore, I've figured out that it's best I enjoy multiple encounters with multiple women when I have the chance rather than try to commit to anyone long term. But I wont complain too much because I'm doing much better than others with Hi Functioning Autism. People see me more as a "player" or female expert rather than a big nerd or weirdo. They may not have any idea what I go through or have been through to get where I am now in life, but it doesn't matter. I'm just glad I've managed to "fix" myself as much as I have, although it took me 31 years to get it right. A lot of you "Normals" out there complain about your girl problems, but imagine what it's like to be someone on the Autism Spectrum! Being autistic at any level causes you to naturally want to do everything that's wrong when it comes to females and attraction. That includes the natural sensitivity, natural desire to become attached to people you feel a deep connection with and the natural tendency to produce "nice guy behavior." And since people on the Spectrum are horrible with understanding normal social situations and reading people, imagine what receiving mixed messages or trying to be the proper bad boy is like for us! But it's all good because despite the fact that I may never be in a long term relationship or get married, I at least know how to successfully approach, start conversations with, meet, and enjoy time with women. This gives me the benefit of enjoying the moment with every woman I meet while I have a chance before I must move on to the next. Maybe some of you are thinking I should look for women who are also on the Autism Spectrum. Only problem with that is they are even more confusing, maybe even more so than religious girls.

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      jimshady 5 years ago

      Girl at work drives me crazy with this s h i t, and not in a good way. I say girl because she's 20, very beautiful blonde, a real head turner. I used to see her looking at me all the time, but whenever I approached her and made an effort to get to know her she would act so awkward and closed off. Her body language was very negative towards me, so I tried just joking around and being friendly and light hearted...didn't seem to work, so I tried being nice to her instead, didn't seem to work, still it got a bit better over time as we used to have cigarette breaks together, so I got to know her a little. For a while I thought she was shy, but she seems fine with other guys. It seemed to be always me approaching, in fact she usually ignores me unless I say hello first, quite rude for someone you know to behave like this, so after a while I just got sick of it, seeing her gazing in my direction all the time then acting uncomfortable like I'm a creep when I make an effort to talk to her. In case you are thinking maybe it's me, it isn't, there are plenty of attractive women I work with who I get on well with. Her behavior has completely put me off even bothering to try and have a friendship or anything with her, I don't understand why she is so affected by me in this way, if she was really interested in me she would actually make an effort to get to know me, so she obviously isn't that bothered, but then she reacts to me like she is bothered. After being played once in the past by a woman I was crazy about, any kind of behaviour like this is just a massive turn off for me.

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      colorsuz 5 years ago from Ann Arbor, MI

      Confusion is the worst. I've backed off from guys for various reasons, some of which may sound terrible. It's not always even necessarily because the guy wasn't cool or fun to be around it can be because that extra spark just wasn't there. Here are some reasons why I've lost interest (I usually don't go back and forth, but I can tell after 1-3 hangout sessions if I want to continue things):

      1) I see him as a friend and if any physical interaction occurred it lacked proper passion

      2) He isn't attractive enough and/or alluring enough to want to pursue a commitment with

      3) We hooked up and it was bad

      4) He is kissing my ass immediately and I need space

      5) I was interested but then realized something about the person that either makes me mistrust them or lose interest

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      Liltripalot 5 years ago

      [[if she' s asking you to see a movie with her friends then she's not really into you!...Most women are selfish when it comes down to love and a man do your research.if you ask me,she's wasting your time and hers that ain't smart!just be straight up with her and confront her about it and if she continue to be hot and cold move on! -$Fly Society$

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      Angel 5 years ago

      I have been dating a guy for 2 months almost. Some days he is so into me and some he isn't at all. This is why i give the H/C treatment usually. When i start to he comes back hot. Horrible game. Its frustrating and im thinkin about just ending it all together. Although we are in points in our lives where we both cannot really fall... but we have... soooo... maybe he is just pulling away before it gets worse becuz right now its not a good idea to be head over heals

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      A teenage guy needs help. 6 years ago

      Hi, i met this girl a couple of weeks ago just randomly and she asked me what my name was and that stuff and added me on facebook. We hadn't talked since we met but i suddenly began thinking of her and then she started chatting with me 2 days later, she asked what i was doing etc and then suddenly all out of the blue she says "i just have to admit something, i think you're incredibly handsome" and i did never ever expect to hear that from her cause i think she is the cutest girl in the world!. And then she asked me if i wanted to join her to see a movie the next day with two of her girl friends and ofcourse i said yes! but the dat after the movie she seems all not interested while chatting, WHY IS SHE ACTING SO HOT AND COLD! ITS EXTREMLY CONFUSING!!! (sorry for bad english)

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      Ed 6 years ago

      Maybe it comes with experience, but when a woman is hot-n-cold with me, I turn to ice. I literally terminate ALL signals and move on. I respect women who are responsible for their behavior, emotions, and communications. The H/C treatment for whatever reason is not that. This article is great because it gives some insight into what's ticking. I look back on some of my own behavior over the years and see that there was a period when I ALWAYS gave mixed messages. It wasn't even intentional. It was a general social demeanor which had to do with a lot of insecurity and uncertainty about other people. I eventually had to challenge it, confront it. Not easy, but I'm pretty clear with people now.

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      TT 6 years ago

      Interesting article. I am facing the problem now and hv no idea what this married woman is up to. She tried to be close to me for a few months but I backed out as I did not want rumours in the office. Thereafter, I got these hot and cold treatments for the past 9 months. Cant get out of it as we are colleagues. She avoids and ignores me when we are alone, but will be rather friendly most of the time in a group, and even arranged group outings (intentionally inviting me and showing her temper when I did not respond).

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      Honesty is the best policy 7 years ago

      I honestly think that playing games with people is a very immature, childish and cruel thing to do with people. Especially with men. Lets be honest here, why is it that the minute a man tries to honestly show his intentions that he automatically gets labelled a player?

      Shouldn't that be the best way when it comes to dating? In my own personal experience, coming from a PUA background and understanding what attraction is, i somewhat find it hard to believe that women respond mainly to their emotions and it being part of their nature... All of that is complete rubbish, because if that were true, then does that automatically make it acceptable to commit murder and use the excuse of your emotions for acting the way you acted?

      See how outlandish this whole idea is?

      As long as game playing exists, there will never be honest and straight forward relatonships because of it will revolve around ego and self validation and nothing about love...