Jorge's relationship advice is based on experience and observation. Let his trial and error be your success (hopefully).
Texting a Guy After a One Night Stand: Does It Have to Stay Casual?
So you met someone new and got along great, enough that you ended up going home with him. Congratulations!
Now what do you do? Maybe you saw potential in him, and you are worried you moved too fast. Or maybe you're just wondering what to text a guy after a one night stand in order to get him to see you again (perhaps fully dressed this time).
Well, there's no universal rule on the "right" thing to say. Every guy is different. Something that might turn one guy on could make the next feel awkward. Personally, I just send an eggplant emoji if I don't know what to say, but maybe that only works for me because I'm a guy texting a guy.
As a guy, though, I can vouch for the fact that my expectations are not that complicated and I don't really care what someone texts me after we get it on—as long as I'm into them. Whether the sender is a man or a woman, I'm happy to just get a "Hey, how are you?" Maybe my standards are on the low end.
Anyway, more important than worrying about the right thing to say is figuring out if he's the right guy for you to pursue.
Don't get too ahead of yourself. This is an investigation period, you could say. Put out some feelers to encourage him to meet you again, while also keeping an eye out for green flags when he responds.
Here are some tips to do just that.
1. First, Beware of Guilty Feelings (Both Yours and His)
Before anything else, let's address this common sentiment: A lot of people in our society are made to feel guilty for having a casual connection. They then end up subconsciously pushing for the one night stand to become something more, for the wrong reasons.
If a person's self-image rides on the idea that they have a higher value if they are "harder to get," then this applies even more. Their brain might say, "If I can turn this into something other than a one night stand, then I am officially not being promiscuous."
This is just self-judgment. There is nothing wrong with a one night stand. (Unless, of course, you prefer to avoid them due to your own personal preferences.)
It's important to be aware of what's going on below the surface level of your mind, so that it doesn't affect your future interactions and tempt you to build a relationship you don't really want. Don't guilt yourself into interacting with this guy if deep down you really have no interest.
Now, maybe this isn't you at all and you're totally comfortable having a one night stand. Your date might not be quite so OK with it, though. Even men can feel weird or guilty about having a one night stand, especially if they've had a religious upbringing. Keep this in mind and try to be reassuring when you text him, letting him know that it was no big deal.
From there, you can get to know him for him, and not because one or both of you feel obligated.
2. Express Your Interest Honestly
Maybe you're curious about this guy and he really made an impression on you, but you're nervous he might not feel the same way. You don't want to come on "too strong."
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This is a valid concern, but coming off "strong" is not typically something that happens simply from being upfront. Rather, we scare people off when we're pushy about it or project all kinds of expectations onto them.
You can simply text him something like: "Had a great time last night and you seem really cool. Would be totally up for getting to know you some more." This is open-ended and invites him to spend more time with you without being overly forward.
Your Reasons For Wanting to Text This Guy
3. Ask for an In-Person Meeting
There's always a temptation to try to get to know someone via text, but beware of a super long message thread that lasts for days and days. This can become a road to nowhere fast.
Ask to meet in person as soon as you can. You already had a physical encounter, so it wouldn't be a big deal to meet in person again (assuming you want to, of course). You can even bring it up just a few days after your one night stand.
If you're trying to figure out whether he's interested in something more than just a purely physical relationship, have him meet you somewhere in public where you can socialize with your clothes on. The easiest way would be to invite him along to some event that you were already planning to go to. "Hey, I'm going to go to my friend's art exhibition tomorrow and it's close to your house. Want to get some late-night coffee afterwards?"
See? No pressure. If he says yes, great. If he says no or changes his mind last minute, it doesn't matter because you were already planning to leave the house.
The main reason it's a good idea to meet in person soon is because it helps you gauge his level of interest. If he says yes and makes the small effort to see you again, there's some interest there. If he responds to your texts, but keeps avoiding a meeting, then he's likely not that interested and is possibly just being polite.
He could also have only mild interest and is keeping you on the "back burner," which may or may not sound like fun to you. Asking him to make concrete plans and put forth a small bit of effort is a good way to filter out a guy like that.
Finding all of this out early will save you from wasting your time texting a guy who only wanted a one night stand and nothing more.
4. Avoid Explaining Yourself
This should probably go without saying, but avoid any lengthy explanations unless absolutely necessary.
If you're the anxious type, avoid apologies or excuses for awkward things you might have said or done. He probably didn't notice.
Avoid making up excuses for why you needed to text him and don't apologize for "bothering" him via text. It's not a bother. He can look at them if he wants to. Be clear that you reached out because you're interested, and if he has a problem with that, then you're probably not a good match.
Just assume he already likes you and act like it. He probably does and you have nothing to prove.
5. Send One or Two Texts, Then Let Him Respond
Again, be brief. Send just one (maybe two) initial texts until he responds for the first time. After that, don't blow up his phone with essays about your life story—unless, of course, the conversation has mutually taken up that sort of vibe. You will know when it does. Feel it out.
More importantly, find out when you can meet in person. Your texts are best geared towards this, as it has the best chance of actually moving the relationship forward. Long, heartfelt conversations take on a totally different feeling in person.
What to Text a Guy After a One Night Stand That Went Badly
So what if it didn't go that well, but you like the guy anyway? Maybe some crazy event happened that ruined your night and made everything awkward, but you'd still like to follow up with him. What do you text a guy after a one night stand that was kind of a disaster?
Well, you definitely have your work cut out for you. We tend to (unfairly, perhaps) associate people with whatever emotions we were having when we met them. This doesn't mean you can't get to know each other, though. In fact, sometimes experiencing a crazy night together can be better than a boring, unmemorable one where everything went as expected.
In a situation like this, acknowledge the awkwardness, but state plainly that it didn't affect your enjoyment of your time together. "Hey, I know things got weird after my room mate Stacy got drunk and peed on us in the middle of the night, but I had a lot of fun...up until that point. Do you want to hang out somewhere without Stacy's loose bladder this time?" Something like that should work just fine if he's also interested.
Which brings us to the major point of all this.
If He's Interested, It Hardly Matters What You Text After a One Night Stand
If he's into you, he's into you. There's not a whole lot you can do to convince him if he's not. On the other hand, as long as you're confident and honest, it hardly matters what you text him if he does like you already. It could even just be an eggplant emoji. The point is that you took the initiative to show further interest.
So don't worry too much. Your main challenge will just be managing any residual awkwardness and showing him that you're open to another meeting. Just reach out and see how he responds--and hopefully soon you'll be getting to know each other!
Taking the Initiative
© 2021 Jorge Vamos