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What Men Really Want: How to Be Naturally Attractive

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Ms. Klof is a native New Yorker. She works as a licensed therapist and specializes in couples and sex counseling.

She knows she looks good, and that's her secret!

She knows she looks good, and that's her secret!

There Is No Perfect Woman

First things first. I'm only going to say it once. There is no perfect woman. So stop wasting your time trying to obtain perfection. In my line of work I often find myself thinking, 'well, there's no accounting for taste.' I've seen barbie look-a-likes fall head over heels with men who, to put it kindly, no one would ever mistake for Ken. But the chemistry between people is a mysterious phenomenon, and everyone has their own idea of beauty.

That said, even if beauty comes in many shapes and forms, and is in the eyes of the beholder, there are some guidelines that we can use to access our own unique beauty. It is a mission of mine to try to reverse, as much as I can, the way in which females are pitted against one another as competitors, critics, and enemies. The words women use to describe one another are toxic and nasty and only add to our insecurity and lack of self-love.

Love Yourself and Support Other Women

A guaranteed turn-off to a man on a date is a woman who bad-mouths the people around them. Indirectly, when you say mean things about other women, it implies that you do not particularly like yourself. Also, catty women make men feel insecure. So stop the trash talk, it's not doing you any favors.

Health Is the Key to True Beauty

Now notice ladies, I did not say thinness was the key to beauty. I said health. Crash-dieting, bingeing, purging and over-exercising give us bad teeth, stretch marks, headaches, puffiness, and any number of more life-threatening symptoms. Health comes from the inside out. We are at our most beautiful when we are relaxed, nourished, and healthy.

Fake Does Not Equal Beauty

The urge to paint our faces, augment our breasts, change our hair color and morph our body shape is pretty much universal amongst women. Somewhere along the line, some idiot sent us the message that in order to be beautiful we had to change ourselves to fit a very unrealistic ideal of female beauty.

Well, here's the thing. Biology dictates attraction between men and women, not the media. We are programmed, as women to be voluptuous, and as long as we are healthy and stay true to our form we look damn good to the opposite sex.

However, if we try to cover up or change what nature gave us, men will wonder what we are trying to hide. Keep it simple. And forget about barbie. If you go with what you got, men won't be able to get enough of you.

Smart Is Sexy

Men rely on our female perspective way more than they would ever admit. It's scary for them because they know we have a much more complex vision of the world. When we act dumb, men assume we are putting them on (which is often the case). Whoever told us that acting dumb was attractive was wrong. Men will commit to women they believe can be their partners in life. If they think they are smarter than you they will lose interest, or they won't feel as though they can truly talk to you.

Being Self-Sufficient Is Sexy

Relationships are about a balance of give and take. One person should not have to feel as though the fate of their family rests on their shoulders. Men and women should contribute equally to their households. I'm not saying we all should learn plumbing and try to out-man your man at every opportunity. Men do want to feel useful, and 'manly.' But they also want to be babied sometimes. This is not a bad thing, everyone needs to feel babied sometimes. But men do not thrive when they are given total control of the reigns. Balance, balance, balance ladies. Never forget.

Give Compliments

In some ways, men truly get the short end of the stick in our society. They are given woefully fewer compliments than their female counterparts. And they need to be told nice things just like everyone else. We expect it from them but forget sometimes to reciprocate. Compliment your man on a regular basis, and don't lie. Half of the cruel things men do to women are spurred by insecurity. Nip it in the bud.

Confidence Is Hot

The golden rule of sex is to respect yourself. Men may not always be able to tell, but if you are not into it, they will eventually catch on. Don't fake it. Men want women who know what they like. Be gentle but be direct. You are not doing him any favors by faking an orgasm. Oh yeah, and get over the whole self-conscious thing. You look hot to him. You look even hot when you are confident and aware of your hotness.

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Jealousy

The biggest mistake us girls can make is the old try and make the boyfriend jealous stunt. It always backfires. And it's not nice. The more you try and make your man jealous the more he will distance himself from you. Just tell him you feel jealous, and if you look sheepish enough he will probably be touched and think you are cute.

Coddling, Controlling, and Codependency

Do not ever put all your eggs in one basket. Maintain your life outside your man and let him maintain his. Show him you trust him and he will reward you. People need space, and they need to live independently from one another to be healthy. If you maintain your life and give him space to live his life too, the time you spend together will be quality time and you will be his perfect woman.

What Type of Hot Girl Are You? Take the Hotness Test And Find Out!!

For each question, choose the best answer for you.

  1. How satisfied are you with your body?
    • I hate my body
    • Not bad-a work in progress
    • I'm pretty confident, though every one has some insecurities
    • I love my body
  2. How long does it take you to get ready to go out on average?
    • Five seconds
    • Half hour or so-I'm pretty low-maintenance
    • At least an hour
    • Hours
  3. You would describe your sense of style as:
    • Super trendy, loves brands, always sexy
    • Classy, comfortable, elegant
    • Jeans and tee-shirt all the way
    • Tight tight tight lots of skin
    • Fun, reserved but a little sexy
  4. If you had tons of money to spare would you get plastic surgery?
    • No thankyou
    • Maybe I would do a little something, a little tummy tuck nothing drastic
    • Hell Yes!
    • I've already had surgery and want more
  5. A man with money is an attractive man
    • Not necessarily at all. Money is nice, but it doesn't make a nice guy
    • Money is very very important
    • Money is definitely a big plus
    • I only date men with lots of money
  6. Do you consider yourself beautiful?
    • No, I am nowhere near beautiful
    • Yes. Maybe not conventionally perfect, but I am a beautiful person.
    • I would consider myself pretty but not beautiful.
    • I feel beautiful when I am happy

Scoring

Use the scoring guide below to add up your total points based on your answers.

  1. How satisfied are you with your body?
    • I hate my body: +0 points
    • Not bad-a work in progress: +2 points
    • I'm pretty confident, though every one has some insecurities: +3 points
    • I love my body: +5 points
  2. How long does it take you to get ready to go out on average?
    • Five seconds: +0 points
    • Half hour or so-I'm pretty low-maintenance: +4 points
    • At least an hour: -1 point
    • Hours: -2 points
  3. You would describe your sense of style as:
    • Super trendy, loves brands, always sexy: +1 point
    • Classy, comfortable, elegant: +5 points
    • Jeans and tee-shirt all the way: +1 point
    • Tight tight tight lots of skin: +0 points
    • Fun, reserved but a little sexy: +3 points
  4. If you had tons of money to spare would you get plastic surgery?
    • No thankyou: +5 points
    • Maybe I would do a little something, a little tummy tuck nothing drastic: +2 points
    • Hell Yes!: -1 point
    • I've already had surgery and want more: -3 points
  5. A man with money is an attractive man
    • Not necessarily at all. Money is nice, but it doesn't make a nice guy: +5 points
    • Money is very very important: -1 point
    • Money is definitely a big plus: +2 points
    • I only date men with lots of money: -2 points
  6. Do you consider yourself beautiful?
    • No, I am nowhere near beautiful: -1 point
    • Yes. Maybe not conventionally perfect, but I am a beautiful person.: +5 points
    • I would consider myself pretty but not beautiful.: +1 point
    • I feel beautiful when I am happy: +3 points

Interpreting Your Score

A score between -8 and 3 means: You are not looking to good right now, but not for the reasons you might think. You don't believe in yourself. Without self-love and acceptance, you cannot really be all that hot. Remember beauty comes from the inside out, and health is the key, not altering what nature gave you.

A score between 4 and 14 means: You are not looking to good right now, but not for the reasons you might think. You don't believe in yourself. Without self-love and acceptance, you cannot really be all that hot. Remember beauty comes from the inside out, and health is the key, not altering what nature gave you.

A score between 15 and 21 means: You are of average hotness. But you have the potential to be smokin' hot. Here's the deal: stop trying to be something you're not. Go with what you've got and rock your own unique beauty. Men are not attracted to high-maintenance, superficial women. Believe in yourself, and you will transcend to hotness.

A score between 22 and 25 means: You go girl! You are a hot mama. Now stop doubtin' yourself and enjoy your hotness. You will only become more magnetic and desirable when you shed your insecurities and self-doubt.

A score between 26 and 29 means: You are a queen of hotness. Men are attracted to you wherever you are. You respect yourself, are healthy, and you go with what you've got. You're inner sweetness shines all over you and makes you magnificently hot.

Questions & Answers

Question: My husband doesn't love me and it makes it difficult to love myself, what to do?

Answer: The first question I have is what could your husband do that would make you believe he loves you? Sometimes it's impossible to feel love when you do not love yourself. It might be helpful to begin by pursuing positive, self-affirming activities and friendships in your own life. Build a solid foundation of self-love. If your husband is abusive, it might be impossible to ever receive what you need from him. If he is merely stand-offish, perhaps it is about communication. Maybe he doesn't know how to show you love! Counseling is crucial in relationships, whether there is abuse or communication breakdowns. First, love yourself. Work and prioritize that as your first goal in the process. No one can fulfill you if you are don't have a solid sense of self. Hopefully, he is just misguided. If not, by working toward positive change within you will find what you seek.

© 2009 Eve Klof

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