savvydating's mission is to help women attract positive relationships by establishing personal parameters and greater self-worth.
It's All About Attitude
If you want to succeed in the game of love, you must place yourself on the winning team, and that means you must develop a winning attitude! Developing the right frame of mind is essential for anyone who wants to experience ultimate success in the dating world. The same premise applies in sports: If you want to win, you must not only play the game well, but you must also see yourself as a winner from the onset. Any woman, at any time, in the game of love can and should decide that she is the one carrying the ball and therefore has the right and the responsibility to run with it.
A common error that women make in forming relationships is to place herself in a defensive position rather than an offensive position. For example, in football or soccer, the defensive team must employ more energy to chase the ball down since the offensive team has the greater advantage of making the goal.
Likewise, when dating, women are smarter to assume, from the beginning, that they oversee the "game" because she has the tools to play an excellent offense. As they say in sports, "The best defense is a good offense." Frankly, a good offense is an important concept to apply throughout all aspects of life...
Although dating has some features of sportsmanship, it should not be treated as a blood sport. We must not date with the pre-conceived notion that one person suffers a loss while the other one wins. Dating is not a thing of chalking up points and "smashing" the opponent. Rather, the goal in forming intimate relationships is to have two wins rather than one. In the final analysis, winning in the game of love ensures that two people are successful. It's a win-win! What a wonderful concept.
The Fear of "Players"
Unfortunately, some women (and men) feel that "playing the game" is somehow unethical. What they don't realize is that if they are dating, they are already in the game. So.... we may as well play as well as they can.
Another underlying fear many women have is that most men are "players." In truth, the desire to play does not necessarily make men the bad guys; it just makes them participants in the game. However, if a man plays dirty, that is another story. He deserves to be written off as a bad player. The woman's responsibility is to determine whether the man she dates is willing to play the game with integrity or not. Furthermore, the woman has every right to call a foul. Not only is the woman carrying the ball, but she must also appoint herself the official, the umpire, and the referee. In other words, she has the responsibility to call each play. Likewise, men are free to do the very same if a woman disregards all rules of fair play.
“Well,” you may say, “I am not going to play any games.” Hmmm. Many people assume this attitude, believing they have "higher standards." However, this "No Game" philosophy is unrealistic and certainly riddled with pre-conceived notions about what it means to be "in the game." Men and women who say they "refuse to play games" are asserting their belief that one must always "play nice" without realizing that the other person may not care about what is "nice."
Thus, well-meaning souls run into trouble. Never assume the other person has as much integrity as you believe you have. That assumption is way too magnanimous and, frankly, quite naïve.
Never Play Blindfolded
The reality is that life isn't always fair. Knowing that, we must be prepared. How many good people have you known who always manage to get their hearts broken by someone they thought they loved? Such generous individuals do not deserve to have their hearts ripped apart, yet they always walk into a losing game... a game they could have avoided. In fact, they chose to play defense with blindfolds on.
Sadly, these well-meaning romantics dated without seeing.... not just once or twice, but repeatedly. They played with bad players. Afterward, they exclaim, "Why does this always happen to me? Why am I always left with a broken heart?" These sad folks refused to call a foul or to set parameters. They always let the other person take the ball, every time.
For example, suppose you witnessed your favorite professional football players running around the field with blindfolds on, flatly refusing to see what is going on around them? You would be aghast at such nonsense. You would find those players absurd. You would believe they deserve to lose. Absolutely! Yet, many kind-hearted lovers do the very same thing by making the choice not to see what is happening right before their eyes. This, in turn, gives them the excuse of never having to call-out the other person's bad plays.
And they wonder why their lovers take advantage of them.
In dating, sometimes we have to get our fingernails a little dirty and come down off of our Ivory Towers where everything and everybody is supposedly decent and just. In fact, we are much better off allowing ourselves to experience the sweat and tears of a real game with real rules and distinct parameters. Consequently, whether you come out the “victor” by having formed a meaningful relationship, or not, you will ultimately feel a certain thrill and even thankfulness for having had the opportunity to play well, thereby having gained valuable experience and greater confidence for the next go at a relationship.
Furthermore, having become more adept at understanding the strategy of dating, we learn how to hone our skills in order to accomplish our goal of finding love in the future. In other words, we are still winners in the game of love because we played an expert defense with our eyes wide open.
What Are the Rules?
The rules are pretty much anything you want them to be. The rules have to do with your personal needs and values. Know what they are. Have some flexibility, but do not change your values for the sake of his (or her) convenience. Not ever. That doesn't happen in sports, nor should it happen in dating. Just know that a good person will respect your parameters and values, while a non-committed actor will not.
As for the rules of a man’s game... they are almost always the same. They go something like this:
- Rule #1 "How do I get her into bed? I want her. What strategy can I use to get her?”
- Rule #2 "Love and sex don't necessarily go hand in hand."
- Rule #3 "There is something about her that excites me. I'm going to try to win her over. I might even move mountains to do it.
End of rules as far as most men are concerned.
Know Your Values
With men, you don’t have to guess. They make it easy. They want to have sex with you. The question is—do they want you for a night, a season, or a lifetime? This is where things get a little tricky and where the woman’s standards finally come in handy. The woman must ask herself, "How do I recognize if this man is a keeper and how do I know if he truly cares for me?" This is the part is where having "rules" (values) will serve a woman well.
Although men and women seem to have different short-term goals, when all is said and done, our long terms goals are similar. We both want love, fidelity, great sex, and marriage and children, (usually) in due time. Men and women may have different ways of getting from A to Z, but that doesn't mean we do not have the same long-term vision. Just remember, both sexes have the right to call a foul whenever they need to, thereby ensuring that the game is played right.
However, women owe it to themselves to develop an intelligent strategy for dating expertly by developing some rules about what constitutes a good game. How does she do this? It's not that complicated.
First of all, in the beginning stages of dating, try to keep an open mind. Don't decide you only have "one type." You might discover otherwise. The following are useful guidelines:
- Do not play "defensive." Remember that you are holding the ball. Be a lady, but a subtly sensual one. The subtlety factor is of the utmost importance.
- Never be too eager to please! He is the one who needs to pursue you, contrary to popular belief. It rarely works the other way around.
- Stop yourself from wondering whether this man is “The One.” Only time will tell.
- Believe in your worth as a woman, but also have some humility.
- Never indicate that your sexuality is your best asset. That is playing defense and making yourself look desperate and foolish.
- If you are the type of woman who gets attached easily, do not have sex with him right away. Waiting to have sex for a time is the best way to find out if he cares about you. If he cares, he will wait until you are ready.
- Never make excuses for his bad behavior. Remember, you are the referee. Call him out when necessary. Remind him of your parameters.
- Listen carefully to the things he has to say. Men will tell you who they are if you listen well.
- Do not "interview" him on first dates. Keep the conversation relatively light; be observant.
- After the date, he should call you within a reasonable time frame. If he waits 5 to 7 days to call, he's not into you. But if he calls back soon, there may be potential. You’ll have to wait and see.
- Remind yourself that getting to know someone takes time.
- Stick with your principles. Always.
A Few More Helpful Hints
- Date with the attitude of having fun, of learning something new and of gaining experience.
- Even if you mess up, dust yourself off and try to do better the next time. An insightful man might even give you a second chance if you make a clumsy play.
- Always remind yourself that you are on the winning team. Know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are "holding the ball. Keep playing defense.
- Never worry about calling a man out on bad behavior. A worthwhile man appreciates a woman who will challenge him.
- Always be classy and sensual, but DO NOT be overtly sexual or hint at all of your physical assets out loud. You'll only come off as self-centered, insecure, or an easy target.
- Take your sweet time in deciding which man you happen to be dating is the right man for you.
- Keep playing the game well and never forget that he is required to play with passion and dedication. You don't need a lackadaisical player in your life.
Once you acquire a positive perspective about the game of love, you will no longer concern yourself with whether you might "lose." Instead, you will learn to relish having become an active participant in the game of dating. No longer will you be content to stand on the sidelines, waiting for someone to "hand you the ball." Remember, dating is not about conquering or being passive. Dating is about having a healthy, fighting spirit with which to gain love in this wonderful game called life.
And finally, consider this beautiful quote by an Unknown Author:
"Love is like playing the piano. First you have to play by the rules, then you can forget the rules and play from your heart."
Happy loving...… Yves
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2013 savvydating