Amanda is a sexpert and love guru located in Las Vegas, NV. She has been in more relationships than she can count.
Why Are You Still Single?
You've been in a million failed relationships, and you just can't figure out why nothing is working. Your friends love you, but sometimes it's hard to spit the truth, especially when it comes to the flaws that are dragging you down in your romantic life. I've been through it all, and I'll tell you how to figure out what exactly is going on that's preventing you from getting a man. It's time to do some self-examination to find out if one (or more) of the following common causes of chronic singleness can explain your predicament.
Why Can't I Find a Man?
- You have poor self-esteem.
- You're emotionally unavailable.
- You're a drama queen.
- You're looking for love in all the wrong places.
- Your expectations are too high.
1. You Have Low Self-Esteem
Do you think you're not good enough for anyone? Are you concerned that you'll disappoint someone if you were to be in a relationship with them?
When you have poor self-esteem, you don’t have self-love. If you don’t love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you? Others can sense your low level of self-worth, and it makes you less attractive as both a friend and a potential companion.
I've been in lots of potential relationship situations that I ruined simply because I didn't think I was quite good enough.
Low self-esteem also opens the door to a myriad of problems in your personal, professional, and romantic lives. You're more likely to have social anxiety and perceive others as being overly critical—obviously, your friends won't want to point out this flaw!
Work on improving your self-esteem. Make a list of things you like about yourself and things you don’t like. Is the list of things you don’t like longer? Then make some improvements.
Don’t like your body? Get a gym membership and start a diet plan. I've recovered from many rejections by working on improving myself. It increases your self-esteem and makes you more attractive to potential mates. Don’t like your job? Work on your resume and reach out to friends and family about potential job openings. I've found that being happy makes me stand out to others and gives me a certain sparkle that draws men to me.
Yes, it’s easier said than done. But don’t you owe it to your future man (and more importantly, to yourself) to be the best “you” you can be?
Connect with the people who love you. Obviously, your friends don't want to tell you that you're single because of your self-esteem issues, but nobody wants you to be down on yourself, either. Learn to be assertive and figure out what you want, and most importantly, take care of yourself.
2. You're Emotionally Unavailable
This one is major. Many women and men don’t know that they’re emotionally unavailable because they so strongly desire to be loved and cared for. Just because you want a relationship doesn’t mean you’re mentally and emotionally prepared to be in one. You keep a wall up between you and the men who try to worm their way into your heart.
You’re afraid to open up because you’re afraid of getting hurt. You’re attracted to men who are also emotionally unavailable: they’re in a relationship, they won’t open up to you, or they’re just plain uninterested.
Many of the men I've been with have been in another relationship simultaneously, and while it hurts me to realize the pattern I've fallen into so frequently, I have since realized that it's my own emotional unavailability that's preventing me from seeking out a stable and available partner.
Confront your fears. What is it you’re afraid of—getting hurt? Too bad, it’s going to happen. Fear of intimacy is a common reason people stay single. You need to recognize and address your issues in order to gain the perspective and self-understanding that's essential to developing a meaningful relationship. Look deep inside yourself and work on figuring out what’s causing you to distance yourself from others. This is something I'm still working on—but I am working on it, and that's what matters.
Make a commitment to yourself to work on opening up to people. It's your responsibility to make an effort at connecting with those around you, despite any pain and trauma you may have experienced in the past. Be honest with yourself and others.
You need to recognize and address your issues in order to gain the perspective and self-understanding that's essential to developing a meaningful relationship.
3. You're a Drama Queen
You started to get involved with a cute guy but then ruined everything by sending him a flurry of jealous text messages when you saw him talking to some other girl. You constantly seek to identify problems where there are none. You don’t exactly shy away from problems or conflict because, well, they make life more interesting, right? You might be a drama queen.
Men may like strong, feisty women, but once they realize you’re a drama queen, they’re out the door. Jealousy gets old quickly, and so does constant arguing. Putting down other women also makes you look insecure, which is a major turn-off.
Turn it down a notch. Life isn’t a TV show, and men shouldn’t be treated like disposable extras on one. Most men prefer to be with a partner who’s drama-free.
The most important thing you can do is to recognize when you’re creating drama. Once you realize you’re the source of the issue, you can work on fixing it. Try to relax and not overreact to minor inconveniences. It’ll make your life easier, and it’ll certainly make it easier for you to find a man.
Turn it down a notch. Life isn’t a TV show and men shouldn’t be treated like disposable extras on one.
4. You're Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places
Maybe you’re wondering why none of your Tinder dates are working out. Or, maybe that drunk guy you met at the bar never texted you, even though you could’ve sworn he was super into you when he asked for your number the other night.
Looking for love in all the wrong places can also mean, well, you sleep around a lot. Often, people use sexual promiscuity as a crutch that substitutes parental love and affection. So, how does one overcome these issues?
“Looking for love” at all is never really advisable. Love is what happens when you’re calculating plans for your best life and happen to meet someone who fits into that equation perfectly. Are you interested in going back to college to finish up that degree? You never know who might be in your chemistry class. Thinking about transferring to a different job in a new city? The love of your life could be there, waiting for you. Sporting events, church, or the gym are other fun places to meet people you might have something in common with.
I've had plenty of one night stands, and most of them are fun and worthwhile. However, on occasion, I've been hurt by the notion that someone wasn't interested in a follow-up relationship or even a phone call.
One night stands might be fun, but they are exceedingly difficult to build meaningful relationships from. If you want a boyfriend, you'll have to get serious about finding one and stop looking in the wrong places.
What about this “Mr. Right” draws you to the notion of him? Identifying your expectations versus your needs is important.
5. Your Expectations Are Too High
Do you have a long list of deal-breakers? Perhaps you've been in relationships before but they just never felt good enough. They've never really lasted very long because there was a certain way you imagined the relationship going in your mind and, well, it just didn't go that way.
We all have a “dream guy.” Maybe he’s tall, handsome, rich, sensitive, funny, smart, with hazel eyes, wavy chestnut hair, and is currently the world’s leading pediatric cardiothoracic surgeon. Years of being single have resulted in your mind constructing a single, perfect image of “the guy” for you, and now you won’t settle for anything less. And why should you?
I’ll tell you why. Because that man does not exist. Yes, he is a figment of your imagination. He is a fictional character crafted by your own lonely mind in an attempt to make excuses for why you haven’t yet found a man. Because you’re waiting for him.
You could wait around forever for Mr. Right to show up. Or you could take a more realistic look at your expectations and relationship goals. What about this “Mr. Right” draws you to the notion of him? Identifying your expectations versus your needs is important.
Sometimes, it's not about expecting the perfect guy. Sometimes, it's just about expecting too much from a normal guy. There have been countless times that I was disappointed by a member of the opposite sex, even though I had never made my expectations clear.
Ultimately, you are responsible for your own happiness. Expecting someone else to ensure your happiness and contentment puts undue stress on any relationship. You need to take charge of your own life and be able to formulate and voice your (reasonable) expectations of others.
Why Can't I Meet a Guy?
|The Problem||The Solution|
Make improvements; focus on self-love and fixing things you dislike about yourself
Confront your fears; work on opening yourself up to others
Recognize when you're creating drama; don't overreact to minor inconveniences
Looking in the wrong places
Focus on yourself and love will follow; go to the places you love to find people you can love
Identify expectations vs. needs; take responsibility for your own happiness
If any of these issues sound like symptoms of your lack-of-man-itis, then you might want to take a step back and re-examine yourself. Most chronically single women suffer from not one, but multiple of the above-referenced issues. In many ways, they are interconnected. The most important thing is to remember self-reflection and self-love. Happiness is the key to any successful relationship. Best of luck to all the single ladies out there!
Anonymous on August 19, 2020:
Most women nowadays have their very high unrealistic expectations and standards. And most of these women will grow very old all alone with a bunch of cats when their time comes anyway.
Elisa Montedoro on April 02, 2020:
A well article that can help us women to overcome the embarrassment of not finding a man and at the same time help us understand what our mistakes are.
I found this video course (if you can call it that) very useful for my situation on "how to be irresistible in the eyes of a man" .... I leave the link, it can be useful to someone https://bit.ly/2w8oyRt .
Keep on looking and having a higher self-esteem, love will come by chance, just like it happened to me
Nora Bean on January 01, 2020:
Hi! I like this really cool guy that I'm in high school with- And we had this connection right off the bat because I'm new to this country and don't speak the language well, but he speaks my original language. Which means whenever we are talking back and forth to one another on Insta, we do so like 90% of the time in English. When we talk or are together, we talk like we've known each other for years, and when we are in person I feel like there is light tension of awkwardness in the air. I don't know if he likes me bc he doesn't respond or show much emotion through text, but when we have a convo back and forth, it always seems like something's there. It's hard to explain, but I was hoping if you could help me sort out what there is between us.
...And maybe what to do about it...
Margareth Simpson on December 03, 2019:
I've had only one relationship throughout my whole life. One college relationship for an over 40 years old woman. You can understand that with very little experience and obviously very little contact with men, I thought that it is just my destiny not to have the ''love of my life'' moment happening to me.
I am not the typical ''blonde beauty with blue eyes'' but I am a decent looking woman. I believe I possess enough qualities to be loved by at least one man in this world. Yet again, years had been passing by, I was lonely and was always the ''single lady'' in my surrounding. Yes, it is a sad story and yet again, a very common story which I find every day while reading through the forums. However, my story went into a different direction and I dare to say that I managed to turn my love life around with a little help. Help, which I hope would change your life as much as it changed mine. Help, which came from a very close person of mine (Thank you, Miranda!) who suggested me to check a certain program called ''The Devotion System''. At first, I was very sceptic, because there was no solution for my case, no answer to my question, no man could love me. Well, I was wrong. Miranda wanted to help me and she did it. Two months later, I met Richard, an intelligent and peaceful man who loved the woman he saw in me. I do not want to go in too much detail, but I simply want to say that it has been two years since we first met, and I have never ever in my life felt this way before.
However, I feel the obligation of sharing the program that helped me with all the women that have been in a similar situation or just want to experience a healthy relationship. I will leave a link in case you want to check it out as well: https://23d8c9.wixsite.com/love
Paulo Chan on November 15, 2019:
Lol, I always cringe when I see these "why can't I find a man" lists written by women. Always written from a woman's perspective, but NEVER a man's.
Apart from #5, do you think any man gives a crap about of any of this stuff?
Here's a list of reasons why you can't find a man, from an actual man.
2.You're a feminist. You think any man wants to be lectured about Patriarchy? How you're a victim?
3.You have odd color hair, bright pink, blue, neon green. Why? Why do women think that these bizarre hair colors make them look good?
4.You're annoying, and won't STFU.
5.You're a narcissist, have an Instagram profile full of selfies and cleavage shots. Oh, I know you think it's "empowering". Nah sweetie - you're saying to 50% of the population, "good for nothing else but being a f**ktoy"
7.You're unfeminine - rude, aggressive, sarcastic, and lack grace, and are constantly trying one up on people. I saw this on a dating profile recently "I can probably lift more than you". Oh, where do I sign up?
8.You have a love of those idiotic animal filters. Really? What do you think us men think when we see a supposed grown woman with a selfie of her and dog ears? Yup, we see you have the mind of a 10 year old.
10.You're a feminist.
11.Did I mention you're fat?
12.You're fat. Just want to get that in there, not sure if I mentioned it?
Ladies, if you can't find a man it's 100% your fault. Men are pretty simple - we don't require much, just not be the size of a beached whale, suck our dicks once in a while and not annoy us, and 99% of us will stick around. If you're wondering why men bang you and then run out the door straight afterwards, it's because you have nothing else to offer but what's between your legs.
Oh, and NEVER EVER listen to a woman when it comes to this kind of a crap. A woman (like this author) will tell you pretty little lies, and never tell you the truth.
However, we will. Whether you like it or not is another story, but that's your business.
Chris Lopidollisathanas on October 23, 2019:
This is all crap, except for #5
Julia on August 27, 2019:
I would have to say that attraction and expectations is big. While a crap ton of dudes think looks is important for females, and having a "ride or die", what is so bad about a girl wanting that? All I unfortunately see a lot of guys who are lacking in attraction and EFFORT. EFFORT is huge. I was with one guy who lacked effort. The only reason I didn't deal with him lacking effort is cause he was annoying and didn't listen to me when it came to us being intimate. Luckily, that lasted for a couple weeks. He literally ignored me, and used me for his pleasure since he was "horny" all the time with me. Cheating surprisingly isn't even a problem for me. Ghosting, greed, lust, disrespect, etc, is common among men nowadays and is prevalent in the 21st century. Also, I just don't attract good looking guys who are as nice and sensitive as me. Let me start there. All of this sounds superficial, but its good to weed those people out.
Many Excellent Reasons on August 20, 2019:
Many excellent reasons why so many women today can't find a good man at all. The great majority of the women today are very high maintenance, independent which they really don't need a man anymore, selfish, greedy, spoiled, picky, narcissists, gold diggers, think they really are all that now, and very very money hungry as well. And i can certainly add so much more to that list since these women will only want the very best of all, and they will never ever settle for less either unfortunately. Now for the women out there that are so very independent since a lot of these women have their careers making a six figure salary, well they very obviously can make it on their own without a man which even as a man i will certainly agree to that. But this is what really hurts many of us good single men from meeting a good single woman to have a very serious relationship with unfortunately, especially when there are many of us good men out there that are very much hoping to meet a good woman just to Accept us for who we really are. And the real problem is that most women Can't Accept us because they really want the best in their life which it has a lot to do with it as well. And to think back in the old days when most women were very old fashioned and Real Ladies, and the very complete opposite of today altogether which made love very easy to find for the men in those days with no trouble at all. So both men and women in those days had to settle for what they had back then which wasn't very much at all when it came to money, and both men and women at that time were struggling just to make ends meat. This was the way it use to be back then which is why both men and women Accepted one another at that time just like our family members did since they hardly had any money at all. Today which i will even admit that women have so many choices now that they never had back in the old days, but unfortunately this has really changed these women for the Worst of all which is why there are a lot of us good single men out there that Can't find love at all no matter how hard we really try because of all this. And there are a lot of us single men that would really know how to treat a woman very well, with a lot of love and respect too if we could only have that chance. And we can certainly also be very committed to only one woman as well.
Dave82 on April 23, 2019:
You forgot by far the most important reason: Men are disproportionately attracted to youthful fertility - just ask Darwin. Thanks to feminism pushing the idea that all our preferences are socially constructed (they aren't, not all), this leaves young women naively assuming they can "live a little (read: be duped by the capitalist system to indulge in consumerist excess at the expense of their primary fertility window)" then find Mr Right in their thirties. Sadly, most Mr Rights are looking for women in their early twenties, driven by their subconscious desires to notice women who - for the 99% of human history before modern medicine - had a greater likelihood of producing a larger number of surviving children born from the period of healthiest eggs the woman will ever produce. It works both ways of course - women's tendency to look for Mr Perfect is born from their desire for him to aide the survival of their offspring in harsher times. Most men aren't interested in starting a new relationship with an older woman for the same underlying reasons you aren't likely as interested in doing so with a younger guy lacking confidence
camille on February 02, 2019:
Ok can't you go to the most obvious reason:
you are probably not good-looking enough
can't believe how useless advices some women give
Truth Is on July 22, 2018:
It is the women of today that have really changed making it very difficult for many of us men really looking for love. And back in the old days which it was very easy finding love just like our family members did since the women were very old fashioned. Today the women are nothing at all like the past.
Mr. Right on June 09, 2018:
This is some of the best advice ever and it's so simple. I would even say that there are times when women don't even know what they truly want. I'm not sure if that would fall under self awareness and self love. In fact, there's a book that tells a story about heartbreak from a man's perspective. He gives alot in the relationships and it still doesn't seem to be enough. It's very interesting, open, and thorough:
Travel Chef from Manila on May 26, 2018:
You've listed the top reasons why a woman can't find her Mr. Right. Among these reasons, I think the most common reason is that woman used to set a very high standard when finding a partner. In which case, even she found her match, she's still looking for her Mr. Perfect. I believe that this enumerated points are also available to all single men out there too.
dashingscorpio from Chicago on May 25, 2018:
Great list! Excellent advice!
Some others that come to mind are:
You're not a happy/fun person to be around in general
Guys are attracted to good looks, great sense of humor, flirtation. People come off as positive and good natured attract others.
You're aiming out of your league
Don't expect to sit next to the moon unless you are a star!
This happens to guys as well. You've heard "Nice guys finish last". The reason why is because they don't go after "nice girls"! Both the "nice girls" and the "nice guys" want to be someone who stands out. They don't want what the could (easily have). The nerdy geek always dreams of being with the hot cheerleader and the plain Jane imagines a handsome popular guy taking her to the prom....etc
That kind of love affair is reserved for romance novels and movies.
Some women go through a "bad boy" phase. Their motto is:
"We ignore those who adore us and adore those who ignore us."
Essentially "nice guys" get placed in their "friend zone".
You could stick such a woman in a room with five guys and have four of them drop to their knees extending their heart towards her with the 5th guy sits in a corner sipping on a cocktail acting as if she does not exist. That will be the guy she wants to get to know!
He's seen as a "mystery", a "challenge" and she has to prove to herself she can win him over and (earn) his attention and affection.
Last but not least you may be friends with the wrong women.
Either they're filling your head with negativity, giving you bad advice, or behaving in such a way in public that keeps men from approaching you. It's also possible your "entourage" is too large. Instead of going out with 4 or 5 friends go out with just one.
There's enough competition out there without you supplying your own. A lot of guys won't bother to approach a woman in a group.
Flying solo is even better but it requires someone being comfortable in their own skin and not concerned with others might think. For the brave there's things like Singlescruise.com
Meetup.com has tons of groups that meet based upon hobbies and interests. Odds are you'll make some friends if not find love.