I have a preference for sensitive men and would like to help women know how to approach them.
Sensitive or submissive men are very different from normal guys in their behavior. Many of the dating rules don’t apply to them at all and much of what you thought you knew about men won't work when dating them.
I can’t tell you if there are more sensitive men nowadays than in the past. It is most likely that more men are allowing themselves to be openly sensitive and vulnerable. It used be clear-cut that men should not show signs of weakness or vulnerability to anyone, but in modern times (fortunately), many men have managed to emancipate themselves from those social expectations, and I think it’s wonderful.
Let's take a look at some of the benefits and challenges in dating this kind of man. I'll do my best to look at it from both the male and the female perspective, but please bear with me if I don't do everyone justice.
Who Are Submissive Men?
I’m particularly talking about men who wish to take on a more submissive role in their relationships with women. They don’t mind a woman taking charge and making many of the decisions. In fact, they love it. They look for women who will ‘wear the trousers’ in their household. Submissive men are attracted to strong and confident women who likewise enjoy holding the reins.
There are varying degrees of submissiveness in men, though. Some will want to take it very far and basically hand over all the decision making to their girlfriends. They seek a kind of gender role reversal from what used to be normal in the stereotypical 1950s family. But there are very few men of this kind and I’ve never personally met one that really wants this. Some may fantasize about it, but that is another story.
Most of those men that you’d call submissive ideally want a mix between having a woman tell them what to do and having certain areas where they make the decisions. For example, many such men will still be the main breadwinner in their family.
So there are very many different types of submissive men, but most of them do have a number of traits in common which I’ll look into next.
How to Date a Sensitive Man
- Don't approach them like other guys. If you like submissive men, you’ll have noticed by now that things don’t work the way they used to in the dating game. Going to dating advice pages or relationship experts is usually futile because they are geared towards a typical kind of male behavior that you probably won’t find in submissive men. They are a completely different animal. They think and feel differently from the regular guys and this means that you have to deal with them in another way.
- You have to take charge. Most women who are attracted to submissive men will have a dominant side to them. One complaint I’ve heard and read a lot from these types of women is that there are no submissive men. They get many guys approaching them claiming to be submissive, but once the relationship gets going, they don’t want to have the woman take charge at all. I can imagine this happening all the time. Their mistake is that they’re still thinking like prey.
- Be wary of men who claim to be submissive. In dating submissive men, the woman must change her approach. You are now the hunter and he is the prey. Don’t sit there waiting for someone to pick you up because that’s already giving up control and letting someone else take charge. The kind of men who have approached you are the hunters, so it’s perfectly logical that they won’t be truly submissive. They may have said that they like strong women who are in charge and they might even believe it themselves (imagining something like, "Wouldn't it be awesome if she was in charge?") but it’s unlikely that it will last beyond the honeymoon. You need to become the hunter. You know what kind of man you want. So go and find him and just pick him up like the trophy he is. The truly submissive men are out there waiting for exactly that to happen. Of course, it’s still far from foolproof, but it’s an angle you should try. That leads to the obvious question of where to find your targets. Well, that's a little bit like asking, "Where do I find kind people?" It's easier to answer where you won't find them.
- Visit different locations to meet men. They are unlikely to be found where regular guys like to hang out. This is because such men often prefer to mix with women or other sensitive men. It's not that they don't also go to bars and clubs, but when they're there, they'll probably put on a front to appear confident and strong.
How to Recognize a Sensitive/Submissive Man
- Take note of their demeanor when it comes to opening up about their feelings or emotions. Sensitive guys tend to be more reserved.
- Sensitive guys often take things very personally. Pay attention if they get hurt easily. In addition, they tend to avoid talking about what offended them.
- Submissive guys tend to be very attentive listeners.
- They may be uncomfortable in large crowds. Pay attention if they are not into big parties.
- Take note if they struggle to make any type of choices.
- If you try to hide your feelings around them, sensitive guys can often pick up on small cues that give away your true feelings. They can at least tell you're hiding something.
- They enjoy conversations on the bigger and deeper things in life. Pay attention if you notice that they move beyond surface-level chat.
Tips for Dating a Submissive Man
Here are some things to keep in mind when you are in a relationship with a submissive man.
- Take the reigns. A sensitive man will have expectations of you. A big one you must meet is taking charge most of the time. You have to be honest with yourself if this is something you can do. If not, then dating a submissive man may not be the best for you.
- Treat him as an equal. Being dominant does not mean you can lack respect for your man. He is still a human with feelings that should be treated as an equal in your relationship. You should get to know of any boundaries or limits early in your relationship.
- Be cautious when you are upset. You are bound to have arguments in any relationship. Keep in mind that a sensitive man may take something you say very hard. Try to understand things or topics that are sensitive to him and avoid them. Keep in mind that they will likely feel bad about things they've said as well.
- Be a good listener. Being open and vulnerable may be challenging for a guy. Always here them out, and make them feel comfortable in knowing they can talk to you.
- Be open about your feelings. A sensitive guy will know something is wrong without you telling him. Being open with him will let him know that you trust him. Remember that he will likely lower his guard around you, so he will appreciate the same.
Benefits of Dating a Submissive Man
- They are intuitive to your thoughts and feelings. They are emotionally responsive as they often relate more to your feelings.
- A submissive man is ideal if you really like doing things your way. You should be sure if they are fine on how you run things, but they will generally be content with whatever makes you happy.
- They are more than happy to cater to your needs in a relationship. They will often go out of their way to make you happy.
- They often behave like traditional gentlemen. They will do exaggerated acts of chivalry and defer towards women. Expect to be asked a lot if things are to your liking.
Drawbacks of Dating Submissive Men
- A sensitive guy may be prone to anxiety or depression. It is important that you take the role of supporting him and easing whatever troubles he may have.
- Their submissive nature may make them an emotional sponge of sorts. They could absorb any negativity you give off. Try to stay upbeat since your mood may affect them as well.
- Sensitive guys often have a hard time making decisions. They fear making a wrong choice, it doesn't matter if the choice is big or small. Being a frequent decision maker will be vital in the relationship.
- You can't be too dependent on them. Sensitive men often take on the troubles of those close to him. Placing your own worries or troubles on him may overburden him.
- They may need time to adjust when the relationship begins. They may need some time alone or can seem hesitant at times.
My Experience With Sensitive Men
I have an affinity for soft and sensitive men (not to the exclusion of masculine men, though). This has also drawn me to men that tend to be the shy type. In parties, I was always more interested in the boys standing on the side, the introverted types (only later I realized that the men I really wanted were probably not to be found at such parties). I’ve also had my share of disappointments in this area, though.
Many of the shy, sensitive men turned out to be the opposite when I got to know them. I’ve heard that men who date strong women get the same kind of disappointment. They say that many women just put on a confident front but really don’t want to be strong at all. I think these misunderstandings are a result of too many people pretending to be something that they’re not.
We feel the pressure to act a certain way in society and so we give the wrong idea about ourselves. And likewise, everybody else is doing the same thing, so most people we meet are nothing like what they seem. I was guilty of this myself and I’m sure many women and men have the same problem. It’s down to a lack of public honesty, really. I doubt it’ll change anytime soon, so we all have to accept the fact that finding someone who matches our personality is very much a gamble.
What I Like About Them
It’s closely related to my attraction to feminine men. I feel much more of a connection to them and we can get much closer emotionally. I also get a strong maternal instinct kicking in when I see a man vulnerable and submissive. It makes me want to hold and protect him just like you’d do with a kitten. I know it sounds crazy.
From a physical perspective, sensitive men seem to be more open to having fun mutually. That is the word really: mutual. With submissive men, everything is more mutual whether it’s responsibility, earning, or making decisions. That is, of course, a great basis for a long-term relationship.
Sai on July 20, 2020:
True about submissive and sensitive men. I could relate to every line of what you wrote
Mai on January 17, 2020:
I am so glad to see all these comments of submissive men, it gives me hope for my dating future cause I refuse to have the same old same old relationship, where I can't be myself, again.
Nic on December 11, 2019:
i love submissive men (asian men are the best) i would love to meet a submissive nordic man to take care of him and love of course
A.A.J.Z. on September 26, 2019:
Thank you Lucy! I am from a country where we have stupid traditional gender roles, and I decided to avoid dating and marriage altogether, because for me a dominant male is just a huge turn off. The only ones I can relate to are an empathetic sensitive kind, I've met a couple of them but they still feel like they have to fake that they are a dominant male with me, and it's sort off turning me off as well. I want a true friend and someone who cares about my feelings, not someone who would push me around as they please. But what you say about parties and taking charge is right, I noticed the same things.
Ares on July 13, 2019:
Aah my heart is melting for those who are in a relationship and their other halves start trying to change them. Be who you are baby if they try to change your ways pleaaase explain to them why its important that you are the way you are cause it can lead to bad decisions in the future. Im sad and happy for you sub’s . Sad cause you cant express yourself fully in the world without being called names or having to deal with a bad relationship /sexual expiriance, happy cause the stories ive read make my heart litteraly melt some are so sweet yet bitter ,its truly amaizing seeing you finally accepting to be what you are and being proud of it even if it means changes in a relationship. Hope you’re doing great if youre reading this! Love you all so much ❤️
Limpet on July 08, 2019:
Thought I'd revisit the site for any recent input.
SomeSubmissiveGuy on July 04, 2019:
Found this article very helpful and comforting as a guy Who tries to come across as strong and confident but under the layers is sensitive and submissive. Try to deny my natural way of being and of course it never works . Read some of the comments below and appreciate it is not easy finding someone compatible. I think the author is absolutely right though you have to put it out there and be who you are otherwise it’s deception and ultimately disappointment
tom on June 28, 2019:
Submissive is not the right term since it is more symbiotic where both feed of the other and nurture each other. The dominant female often is willing to sacrifice for her submissive male because she values him and the same for the male. Of course the woman may requir that her man do things to prove his subission and it can be hard
Sam on June 24, 2019:
This makes me feel a lot more confident about myself as a submissive male, thanks
Andrey on May 17, 2019:
Wow, this is literally me
it is a pity that we in Russia have very strong traditions of Patriarchy and therefore it is almost impossible to find strong women
kato the slave. on April 15, 2019:
Babeee, you got to be cruel to be kind !
kato the slave. on April 10, 2019:
Don't hear very much about the 'Battle of the sexes' these days !
knarf the hermit. on April 05, 2019:
The FEMALE of the species is deadlier than the mere male.
Reson on March 31, 2019:
@Snarf the hermit, you are just a rude one.
Its people like you that make it seem like there is a faction of people who intentionally want all men to be as redundant as you want them to be. I don't want a world where either gender is regarded as "redundant".
People have always been will forever be different just by being who they are. A lot of us forget that fact, then use societies expectations to justify who is "Suitable" or "Redundant".
Anyways, you are only part of a few in a billion.
Vincent Hartgeaves on March 27, 2019:
Ill give you a little back story of why submissive males came to be. They grew up with strong female roles in there family and most likely didn't grow up with a father figure and thats a BIG topic not to cross into. And also as a submissive male I would like to find a dominant girl friend but they are hard to find any idea's on where i could find a dominant woman?
Diane on March 27, 2019:
Just began dating a submissive/sensitive man a month or so ago. He’s absolutely wonderful however this article is truthful in how to find them. I met him at work and he hates parties and large crowds. This article is pretty spot on (I know him well because we’ve been friends for a long time)
Kath on March 14, 2019:
I've always wanted to have a submissive boyfriend because I want to make him feel secure and happy around me. Sadly, I've never been able to know anyone who's like this.
Knarf the hermit. on March 08, 2019:
males are now a redundant entity.
Daif on February 24, 2019:
Took me years to discover that i am submissive or gender reversed and my dating life is a miss and i feel like needing support cause thats a lot to deal with alone most girls just see me attractive and handsome at the begging evenflirt with me which makes me happy but when they talk to me and discover who really m i they just leave thats made me hate dating or anything related its like a false hope for me that gives me nothing but hurting and emotion destroying i wish there were real dating apps for people like us but who would do a dating app for minority of the minority simply unprofitable god why its so hard to find the good match when i am completely on my self
Knarf the hermit. on February 15, 2019:
WOMEN are only interested in winners, unsuitable is strictly for losers.
Kato the slave. on February 07, 2019:
You've come a long way 'BABEE' to get where you're gonna go !
Kato the slave. on January 21, 2019:
Never underestimate the power of Woman !
Kato the slave. on January 17, 2019:
CORRECTION DISCIPLINE PUNISHMENT.
Alex1940 on January 11, 2019:
It is so sad that people don't like other because some like other things some are sub some are dom sometime it is nice to give up control there are a lot of dom men not that many dom lady out there I wish they would come out the sub men need you very much thank you sub alex1940
Knarf the hermit. on January 09, 2019:
There is no jewell more precious than WOMAN !
Dashaun Reagan on January 05, 2019:
Okay so like im a sub dude right almost 21 ayyy
wally on January 04, 2019:
I would love to find a woman who would dominate me.A take charge in control woman especiall in the bed room
H. Hudson on December 31, 2018:
I found your thoughts on this socially and psychologically complex subject to be well-reasoned and a useful guide. As a slightly submissive male, I use disappointed to see you place some of your thoughts about submissive men in very close proximity to feminine men. I grant you didn't ever same they were one and the same -- or even closely related -- personality by gender types, but especially for a man still begining to explore a seldom spoken of a relationship between a slightly (or more) dominant-personality woman and a slightly or more submissive male. In common parlance, the term "feminine men" is most likely to be "heard" as "effeminate men" -- but the latter refers to behavioral, observablt traits associated with women.
In my case, my friends (male and female) think of me as one with an unusually high respect for women as individuals and as a gender. They have surmised that from seeing my commitment to equal employment opportunity, and to believing that treating women as in any generalized way as not entitled to equality in and out of the workplace as discrimination and not to be tolerated.
Kato the slave. on December 21, 2018:
Hail to the naturally superior gender.
Max on December 12, 2018:
Submissive men aka easy going, nice guys needed women to know this long ago. Sometimes we get mistaken for arrogant or stuck up because we don't approach women at clubs. Fast women expect us to be something we are not. We are skiddish and actually really enjoy the attention and company of an attractive women that has the patience to get to know us.
wyatt105 on December 08, 2018:
I love for a aggressive, dominant woman to take charge. I am 6'1 270 pds and A bodybuilder. I shave my legs, underarms, and ass for my Woman. Where are all of you nasty dom girls!!!!!
Flashy on November 29, 2018:
I feel related to your article in almost everyway. After reading it, it appeared to be clear in my mind that I don't need to act a certain way, despite everyone around me expecting and pressuring me to. Thank you Lucy c:
Limpet on October 05, 2018:
On a visit to the clairvoyant before the reading got started she said 'You don't have a girlfriend.' Very perceptive but i didn't respond hoping something positive would show in her reading.
Just an average guy on September 23, 2018:
Honestly i relate deeply to this article. I am a submissive male and the things stated are pretty accurate (in terms from my point of view) being submissive as a male in a relationship is great but i do realize that a lot of females aren't dominant and that's the biggest problem I've ever run into when trying to date.
Subby on September 22, 2018:
Where to find that submissive man? Book stores, Department stores,on line clothing locations,shoes department,gym.
Mark on September 21, 2018:
You've just described me to a T
Pedro on September 19, 2018:
i am certainly not young, but i most certainly have gone through life as a positive - proactive male now though in my early 60's i find my true vocation as a submissive male, and so happy being so!
Limpet. on September 19, 2018:
I am reading the autobiography of a retired secret agent. This guy was so tough in his profession yet unable to have a relationship as it might 'blow his cover'. Therefor his team mates were his family.
LIMPET on September 14, 2018:
THE FUTURE IS FEMININE !
Kato the slave. on September 10, 2018:
All males wish to make the superior gender happy.
Random reader on September 02, 2018:
Using the term submissive men to talk about men who like when girls chose too? opposing shy men to masculine men?
August on August 22, 2018:
Very intuitive article. It gives a reasonable factual assessment of many men’s feelings that are sensitive and somewhat submissive. Is this one is and he is seeking out the More Dominant type Woman.
paul hughett on August 15, 2018:
I was born submissive, that is who I am.
JJ on August 13, 2018:
I really dislike this advice. I am old school and men need to be men. When they see a woman they like the approach her period. What she does next is her choice. Being an introvert myself. I found out all the best masculine men in in the acting industry are introverts. Brad Pitt, Clint Eastwood. Ficitional characters that are also introverted include James Bond,Batman, Spiderman, Green Arrow. Come on, why are so many women attracted to these men? Cause they are mysterious but they are not pussies. I do feel at times feel to get emotional and show my vunerabilty. But I always have to retreat to my fall back state of being a man. I once dated a woman that was way more successful and confident than I was. But I really like how she made me feel like a man and let me take the reins and let me do whatever I wanted :). Anyways men need to be men that was what women are attracted to not a boy that needs his mommy. You can do that with you own mom :P
Kato the slave. on July 30, 2018:
The female of the species is more deadly than the males.
Limpet on July 20, 2018:
When once i was rejected by a potential girl friend i asked her 'why? Her response was ' If you were the last man on Earth, i'd start looking at other women !
wade truitt on July 09, 2018:
Hello let me start by sayig I
enjoyed every word. I guess
you could say I am overly
submissie male, for me their is no
hideing it or trying to put up a front. Once I knew my place was
at the side of a strong dominant woman, I understood who I was what I was made for
an not what soiety tride program me to be. Thank You for the article
Capt Wade G Truitt
anonymous sub on June 07, 2018:
As a sub man, I appreciate this article because it's not full of odd bullshit like half of the other articles about people like me.
That's all. Thanks.
David D on May 11, 2018:
I've always been a strong and, I think, masculine guy, but I feel naturally submissive to Women. I believe Women in general are superior beings. There is nothing more powerful on Earth than a strong Woman.
I was fortunate to have been raised by my mother and two older sisters, and blessed to have two amazing daughters, now grown.
I am so, so lucky to be in a relationship with a strong, dominant Woman who is also nurturing and kind.
Limpet on April 06, 2018:
The only hope for the future of civilization is for the Ladies to take their rightful place in society as the superior gender. Their accomplishments thus far in the new millenium ensure the future is Feminine.
Mark Wert on March 26, 2018:
Wish I could meet a dominant woman. Life would be better. I have an extremely soft, sensitive and feminine side. I prefer doing housework (ALL HOUSEWORK) as opposed to say watching sports. When a woman and I go out to a restaurant I would
rather select which one and order for us both. I am definitely into doing what used to be called women's work. I have no issue being the housewife as it is now defined.
Texascyclone on December 04, 2017:
I am very new to the possibilities of the D&S lifestyle. I am wanting to know what to say to someone who wants me to be the Dom. He has explained what he basically wants. We have not met yet. When I take on the pursuing role he withdraws. It's something I don't understand. He stops communicating to me. We have connected on a great level and then out of the blue, he disappears. This has happened twice now. When I tried to get us to meet this time, he has gone MIA again. Neither one of us has ever done this before. I really like him. I like talking to him, we have talked for hours and hours. This probably isn't enough info to make comments however if anyone has an idea of some texts what would touch him and get him back talking, wanting to meet, I would appreciate it.
valardohaeris on November 26, 2017:
Article held promise but feels unfinished. It's supposed to be about dating submissive men (Msubs), ya? But zero advice on that.
More like 'searching for Msubs'.
Even then no real help.
Can't find Msubs in bars?- no shit. WHERE then?
Men wear a Msubs mask to fulfill a fantasy? Yeah. Noticed. How can you tell who's who then?
You like Msubs? Aw that's sweet, but not why I clicked on the article.
If you have nothing to say about dating a submissive man then please do us all a favor and don't call your piece "dating a submissive man".
-a woman who wants her time back.
ALWJ on November 08, 2017:
Ive always been sumisive since i can remember. My feance wants me to be more dominant but ive been faking it all my like and im tired. I hate having to just "be confident" its like a consyant performance i put on for evryone i know. When i met her i fell in love because i could be myself around her but its been over a year and we got engaged and now she keeps telling me that she hates how im always submissive. Recently ive been acting around her like i do around evryone else but as much as i love her i feel myself drifting away. I dont want to spend as much time with her and im just always tired. She wants sex i want sleep. Shes so happy now and im just miserable. I try to talk to her about it but then she feels bad i apologize and nothing changes. I dont know how long i can keep this up. Idk why i saying this here. I was looking up how how not to be submissive and found this. I guess its the first time in my life i felt normalish about it and seen it put into words. idk
Alek on November 05, 2017:
I am married .my wife don't like that.I am crazy about thay.All the time i famtasy different submissive roles. What can i do?
Limpet on October 30, 2017:
NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF WOMAN!
Jms on October 23, 2017:
Super informative. I want to read more
Tony on October 19, 2017:
My girlfried totally dominates me and we both love it. She keeps me shaved and has started to dress me up in very girlish clothes. She does this when we have friends over too. I feel embarrassed but I also enjoy the sensations of sher stockings and swishing petticoats. She pegs me almost every day. She had taken to assuming positions where I am more or less helpless and she takes me aggressively.
Anonymous on October 09, 2017:
I seek a woman of true strength. One that is always evolving/progressing. One that is not of this world. So I do not date or any of the whole relationshit stuff. (Yes I said relationSHIT for many reasons.) I'm a logical being (physically male) and that being said I will not look for something that is not currently there/acted upon. Deep down we all know how society should be, how women have been oppressed, etc all to avoid the truth of our existence. Men have been oppressed by their need to oppress women. The very act of this sexism and universal crime sealed them in their own invisible prison. Sadly, 99% still refuse to begin to reconnect and realize themselves. This list is way too long to fit into 8192 characters. It would honestly probably come to around 17,000 or so. So to keep this hopefully under 2000 characters, I leave it at this; What is the point in looking for what isn't applied yet and remains dormant potential? Eternal love
firstname.lastname@example.org on September 06, 2017:
I am a very strong looking and acting man but my wife chased me and caught me and I became a stay at home dad while she worked. I handle the money and make most of the decisions but she was in charge. Eventually we included other men during some of our sex and she always wanted me to be involved and participate in a submissive way , use your imagination. The things I did are common in some porn but she or i had never seen it before. I have come to realize that I want women who are dominant and will submit to them. I cook and clean and build things
Larry on September 04, 2017:
I am one of the sensitive and submissive guys you are refering to. I have all the symptoms that fit the personality and feel natural with a dominate woman. You left out the sexual side. This is important too, since sex is a key ingredient to a healthy relationship. We submissive men like to treated like an object of attraction and told what the dominate women wants. We also are most satisfied making her enjoy our servitude to please her.
BP on September 02, 2017:
I need a guy that is submissive but I can't find any why is it so hard to find one
Sonia Shelly on August 22, 2017:
I'm naturally dominant woman. I could never survive a relationship with a dominant man. I think finding a real submissive man is close to impossible.
ciel on August 10, 2017:
listen to this woman - she knows exactly what she's talking about HAHA
i found a reddit recently which is all about this softer man/boy dynamic: reddit.com/r/RoleReversal/
Michelle on August 04, 2017:
I prefer submissive men who are hot and boyish looking. Most men gross me out but sub men usually don't. Unless they're into foot or ass worship. Makes me sick
Cameron on August 01, 2017:
I do believe it is true that most women don't want a guy like that, and the ones who do are not only rare, but also impossible to distinguish from a normal women. This makes dating hard for me, because I am a submissive guy, and I am unable to be happy in a relationship, unless the girl is dominant.
Stack. on April 04, 2013:
Interesting article, but I disagree with your auto-connection between sensitive and submissive. Submissive, by definition, implies total transfer of power / control. This, clearly, is very different from someone who is sensitive and likes to share the decisions in a relationship. In fact the latter type of relationship is the most common I encounter; neither is dominant, nor submissive on the whole. And both are sensitive. I am firmly a sensitive man, and one who likes to decision-share in relationships so feel I need to make that view point known. Many of my friends are totally submissive. One further point, we would all laugh you out the tea shop if your philosophy in picking up men included the words 'hunter', 'prey' and 'trophy'. Sorry :p
Lucy83 (author) on February 19, 2013:
Hi, "with questions"
I think you're simplifying the concept of being "dominant" too much. There are many different ways you can practice leadership and many different aspects of control. As for the "normal relationship" question, I don't even think I understand it. I can only speak for myself that I think any serious relationship absolutely must be between people who are on the same level. You can't ever really connect if strength only comes from one and vulnerability only comes from the other.
with questions on February 17, 2013:
i have questions.....First if a woman is Dominant in a relationship can she ever have a normal relationship with a man or will it always be about control for her? And if she trys to have a normal relationship will she ever be satisfied or will she try to and find what she is missing?
Josh on October 01, 2012:
I have a deep voice, and am very much into exercising. I don't make much money. I would like a woman in charge and to be the bread winner. Do you think most dominat women would rather be with a guy who has femenine qualities? Not trying to be smart, it's just that I am no expert on the subject. Thanks.
j on August 31, 2012:
I told my wife I wanted to be submissive and tried for three months to show her that I was serious. I did extra chores around the house. Did all the running around for her. I did laundry for her. I cooked for all of us. She doesn't want a submissive husband so she can have it the way it use to be. Not all women want this. In fact most don't
Dave on August 12, 2012:
where does a submissive man find a dominent women I usually hope and wait for a girl to come but it never happens so getting depserate i go looking. but im not naturally the hunter.
Radka on July 11, 2012:
I am a girl, 41, foreigner, living in US, and just found a lover who is submissive. I had only vanilla relationships before and was not even aware of this. He slowly and shyly introduced me to this and I absolutely love it. I am very calm and friendly girl, but clearly have a very strong dominant side to me. It seem to come very naturally to me. I find it all very erotic and hot, far behind vanilla experience and I think he is just adorable. So boys, dont give up, we dominant girls are out there somewhere!
Dufflerpud on May 03, 2012:
As I read through the above, it's clear that most of the posters are a lot younger than I (49). Yeah, its hard for submissive men to end up with dominant women when both are in their 20s, but it seems to be impossible for a 49 year old male to end up with someone in the same age group.
Most women in my age group are SO hung up on the protocol that they don't even dare think about being dominant. Or maybe there just ARE no women in that age group who could even imagine it.
Of course, there are women in that age group who ARE dominant but don't want to play the part, up to and including actually beating their guys, but they don't accept the guy letting him think it is OK to be submissive.
So, here I am, a submissive guy, playing "normal". I'm not very good at it so that isn't very satisfying to anybody.
Perhaps the sexual revolution has passed me by. Blech
switcherbug on April 14, 2012:
everything is dependent upon the individual... we all percieve the world in different ways and often our moods and fantasys will change from time to time as we grow and adapt blah blah blah... i switch between being able to be sub and dom though being dom is more diffibult for myself. i understand that there is a always a power dynamic occuring in every aspect of life but between two people that love each other we can have our cake and eat it if we are open-minded enough and on the same wavelength. love can flow.
Lucy83 (author) on April 05, 2012:
Ah that sounds similar to things between me and my boyfriend sometimes. I think the problem is that for men being submissive is a huge tabu. If they act submissive or even sensitive in every day life (especially at work) they basically get their social status reduced to that of a doormat. Now I know how much fun you can have doing that to him in private, but I never like others attempting it or even disrespecting him. But I do sometimes like dropping hints when he's with his friends. That's a lot of fun for everyone.
Also many people have different and contradictory sides to their personality. That makes things confusing and complicated but it also makes them more interesting.
Some people deal with this by separating their love lives from their daytime lives. So in the bedroom he's a slave and otherwise he's a master. That could work but it depends on how your personality fits in. In my case that wouldn't work because I'm an assertive personality pretty much 24/7. But that doesn't mean he always has to be submissive 24/7. Two assertive personalities can also get on perfectly well contrary to what most people think.
Just make sure you don't get into the situation where he dictates when you're the dominant one and when not according to his needs. Lots of men will try to do this (and women too I suppose). Nobody should have that much power in a relationship, dominant or not.
With two complex personalities trying to negotiate life together, there's surely going to be some clashing here or there. As long as you keep discussing these things openly, usually everything can be worked out.
Tanya on April 01, 2012:
I'm glad I stumbled upon this. I was looking for insights into a male sub's mind. I recently started seeing a guy who is submissive, but prior to meeting him, I was pretty vanilla. However, I embraced the dominatrix within me and found myself rather enjoying it. But this has now confused the situation.
He struggles establishing a connection with women. His friends believe he's serial womaniser and just has little respect for them. I think he feels he now needs to keep up this image, despite it going against what it is he really enjoys - being submissive.
The problem is, he let me assume this role but he occasionally acts as though he wants to be the dominant one - ignoring contact made, throwing me out in the morning etc. Unfortunately, the lines between our roles are marred by the early stage of our relationship, making it incredibly confusing.
I do not wish to emasculate him or potentially wreak havoc on an already conflicted mind, but it frustrates me not knowing where I stand. Anyone else had this problem?
Lucy83 (author) on March 06, 2012:
well a great deal of what I know about submissive men actually comes from my boyfriend and what he tells me from his point of view. Really, I'd be pretty ignorant today if it weren't for him. And yes he did have a hard time finding girlfriends and I assure you that looks or personality were definitely not the problem.
You might find interesting that we started off vanilla style (except perhaps that I made the first move) and it took us over a year before we started going down the femdom road because we were both young and did what we thought was expected of us. I love how it turned out that both of us were just acting. If he hadn't opened up we might have never known. Scary how such small decisions can have such a life changing effect. Makes you wonder how many other small turns shaped your life.
Weisswyrm on March 03, 2012:
You're right, it's likely an attempt to goad the male into one-upping them. I'd never thought of it like that but then I've tried not to mentally linger on the issue, it's pretty annoying.
I think it's a mix of there definitely being more sub guys than dom girls, but also the fact that in today's society submissive men are looked down on pretty heavily whereas dominant women generally get at least respect (not as much actual desire I'd guess, but still, respect). No guy wants to publicly admit he's submissive, vocally or symbolically.
Assuming your non-vanilla relationship has you as the dominant one I'd be curious to hear from your partner what he went through before hand. Your advice is sound, after all no matter how rare dominant women are you won't find any if you don't date, but the critical flaw is that way less than one in ten women are dominant. Even assuming someone was a suave, confident ladykiller who could get a new date every week, it would be a long time before they sorted through all the passives, got to know all the confident types, and then finally found one who was genuinely dominant.
Lucy83 (author) on February 22, 2012:
I think you're right. There are a lot of women out there who pretend to be dominant and act really confident. What they're actually doing is testing the dominance of men they meet. They basically want to be subdued by a man and challenge him to do so. Such women absolutely don't want a submissive man. Sure it's deceptive and selfish to fake your personality like that but you probably ought to stay away from people who deceive you from the start. Chances are they will do a lot more down the road.
It does seem to be a lot harder for submissive men to find a partner but I think a lot of that is due to so many men selling themselves short. Maybe that's because there are more submissive men than dominant women or maybe it's just because everyone believes that to be the case.
From what I've seen and heard I think the best thing for guys is to date a lot and do what you have to do in order to succeed. That includes acting confident (remember confidence is always attractive to both sexes and that's not to be confused with dominance) and proactive. Then you have more potential partners to choose from and that means more who might be compatible with you. Even my relationship which is non-vanilla started off quite normal.
Weisswyrm on February 17, 2012:
Hi Lucy. Pretty interesting read... Especially the bit about dominant women not knowing to approach. I mean that seems really obvious to me, if you like submissive guys you have to approach them, but I guess that's difficult or something.
I've noticed a BIG trend lately, of women who act dominant but when push comes to shove they fold like a deck of cards. Girls telling people to suck their cock seems to be oddly common. I knew one girl in particular who would flirt in an incredibly dominant way, insinuating everything from hair-pulling to pegging, but sexually she was 100% sub. This doesn't help an already difficult situation... This post made me wonder if there are men who act the same way in reverse.
I'm a pretty weird case and basically knee-deep in this issue. I dress very well, hold myself fairly well in conversations, someone once said they would consider it an insult if someone approached me first just because I apparently look like I can do it myself just fine. But every time I do that I end up with the same passive, submissive, totally boring women... When I try to use more female-style signs, eye contact and smiles from across the room and all that... Well it just never gets me anywhere and I feel like a creeper.
It's a pretty tricky issue. I imagine it's difficult enough for your average submissive male, let alone one who doesn't look like one. The worst part is, unlike a dominant woman who can at least be active by approaching men until she finds a submissive one, sub guys will just hurt their chances if they're anything but inactive. Sigh.
bill585258 on February 17, 2012:
I am a submissive male.I am very submissive.And i want a female led relationship.I have had to act dominant though and probably this would alienate dominant women.I would act dominant and try to hide being submissive.But was not always able to hide that emotionally vunerable and sensitive.And some people did not like my personality.There are probably a lot of submissive alpha males like this.
Lucy83 (author) on February 15, 2012:
if she said she liked your email in which you only wrote "yes mam" then the chances are pretty high that she likes submissive men. Many women only put on an act of confidence and bossiness either for work or because they're challenging men to be even more bossy and subdue them. It's like a kind of test similar to the act of playing hard to get. But she doesn't seem that way from what you've written.
If you think that your working environment can handle employees dating then you've got nothing to lose and everything to win. If she really is dominant, then you don't need to do any big coming out confession. Just read her signals and send the right ones back and things will develop naturally. Be subtle and maintain plausible deniability (at least for now). That's not only more exciting but also safer at the same time.
Julian on February 13, 2012:
Hi Lucy. I can't thank you enough for this blog! I can relate so well with everything you and others say. I am a sensitive man very much in tune with my feminine side. I have 'played' at dressing as a girl and really enjoyed it but only very ocasionally and I'm not really into the whole cross dressing thing. The main thing for me is that I feel so submissive and respectful towards women. I love a woman's company and I enjoy being really polite and subservient toward her. I have learnt over the years that relatively few of the women you meet are the type that want to dominate men (unless I've been looking in the wrong places!). I'm not interested in playing. I want to meet a woman who will love me litterly being her slave and for whom dominatation over me as her boy will really thrill her. Things might be looking up however as I met a lady client through work recently. She's quite bossy and I've noticed she likes to see the guys running around after her. She wanted me to go upstairs to her office the other day and simply emailed 'can you come upstairs now?'. I replyed 'yes mam' in my email and went to see her imediately. She later said that she liked my email and since has been increasingly summoning me to her. I bend over backwards for her as I'm attracted to her and just love her dominant jestures. The only thing is I'm frightened she isn't dominant like all the other let downs!!!! Your comments would be appreciated. Sorry for the long email!
Qais on February 06, 2012:
iam submissive boy and when i tell that to a girl she starts laughing, mocking and leave, even though i dont tell her to play dominatrix, i say lets do something new, lets try this or this, but they hate it, so i must play the dominant all time.
Kyle on January 10, 2012:
Just wanted to add, I acually oftentimes wish for a woman to cuddle me in her arms, so I am the inverse of you Lucy83. I also desire for a "maternal" sort of woman, like a hybrid-mother-lover woman. I think I have some "mommy" issues in the way some women have "daddy" issues in terms of the men they desire.
Kyle on January 10, 2012:
I am a submissive man. I don't know why, but I am like a woman born into a man's body. All of the traits that I desire in a woman are the traits that normally a woman would desire in a man. I have no desire to be the big strong man in the relationship with the submissive woman. Instead I want the woman to be the strong one, and me the submissive one. However, I am not one of those types for whom I feel the need to change my sex or anything, I am perfectly fine with being a man.
I am not submissive with other men, just women, or at least I want to be. I do not know really how to go about finding the type of dominant woman that I fantasize about. I am like a gay man who isn't gay if you will, in that I desire "men," but men inside the bodies of women, as I am sexually attracted to women.
It's a real pain though because such women seem to be so rare. I know they are out there though, I just have to try harder to find them I guess.
Lucy83 (author) on December 02, 2011:
Well I used to just pick out the shy looking ones and always rejected those who came on to me. But I would fall on my nose a lot that way. Many men who seem shy on the outside turn out to be very different once they get some confidence. I suppose it's the same with women who act dominant. I never went anywhere in particular though. When I was younger I'd go clubbing but I'd never do that now.
rguy713 on November 29, 2011:
Thank you for your reply. Where do You go to look for and meet submissive men?
Lucy83 (author) on November 22, 2011:
I guess you'd need to find out where the particular kind of women you seek tend to go. What kinds of clubs are they likely to be in and what sort of parties and other activities the take part in.
rguy713 on November 20, 2011:
I struggle to find the dominant women. When I date strong, successful women, at best they are hoping to find someone that isn't intimidated by them and is willing to treat women as an equal. And many want to revert to being submissive sexually.
The adult dating sites that cater to this type of thing either seem to have people mostly focused only on bdsm sex play (not that it isn't enjoyable) rather than female led relationships, and worse they are littered with postings of professional dominatrix's that are marketing their services.
Any idea where I can go to look for a strong, dominant women that is like minded?
DDD on August 06, 2011:
wtf. This world would be better without women.
Jackie on May 13, 2011:
I can totally relate to this. I agree with Alex about not taking the lead for the sake of it... can honestly say nothing annoys me more! I truly want things to feel equal... if that's at all possible?! I think as well, from my own experience with a submissive guy, there is a difference between being submissive and being really shy. I would love to find someone who is confident in their own abilities, who makes me feel like a human, not a stereotypical woman lol... but someone who isn't ridiculously introverted at the same time. Hmmm, is that even possible?
jonjon on March 21, 2011:
i agree with how submissive women put up a "front", and when the guy finally takes over, she goes back into her submissive state.
what there needs to be is some kind of psychological "plan" that can somehow allow dominant female to find the submissive male, or vice-versa.
In logical sense, submissive male who don't talk seem quite distant and like a loner.
Patrick on March 02, 2011:
Your view about hunter and prey is insightful.
I have always been the more passive partner with any woman I've been with, but I can't say I have ever been with a truly dominant woman.
Women, I have found, won't pursue. They hover around, flirt, drop hints, fawn over me, until I get the hint and make a move. Eventually I will but I have always been introverted and shy.
Some women will be quite aggressive in their hinting and encouragement, but once I make an overt move such as asking her out, it's like she throws up her hands in a sigh of relief and says, "thank god, now he can finally take over!"
However, I don't fully take over. I'm waiting for cues from her. I'm an introverted person. I'm not used to thinking for two and I find it difficult to incorporate someone else into my life. Just tell me what you want and I'll do it but I don't like steering relationships.
So we both kind of sit back and dance around issues and wait for a clear leader to emerge and when one doesn't, the chemistry dies out. This usually manifests as her losing interest in me and becoming distant and when things don't work out I'm left wondering what I did wrong. I feel like there was something she was expecting from me but I'm not sure what it was.
I fear that your article may be preaching to the choir. Any woman reading this would likely be a dominant and us guys can relate. The problem is most women don't realize they're dating a submissive man and just think that he's not as interesting as he once seemed.
Goldthwaite.Jeff on February 02, 2011:
Thank you, Lucy for your insights and most of all, your comprehension of what submissive guys like me are really like. In my marriage, I am happy in the submissive role. My wife Dee is a strong and very intelligent lady that enjoys my feminine side and who also has taken on the job of shaping my behavior and thus my character. She is in fact my disciplinarian; I may wear the trousers but my wife does not hesitate to take them down when necessary. In the bedroom, the virtue of mutuality is honored and much the norm between us. Dee would not have it any other way, nor frankly would I.
Much respect to you for your wonderful perspective!
goldthwaite.jeff on Yahoo Messenger
Dennis on January 12, 2011:
Very interesting. For Toeknight, I wonder if you saw the movie "The Wicker Man" with Nicolas Cage. That society was cult based and female controlled, and you may be able to get some ideas from it.
Also, there are some good stories about Succubus which may inspire you about the religious side of your book.
I'm an older, single man who never got married, and I think it is because I never found a woman who liked my submissive nature. I have met a lot of women who want my money, however, and that is one area where I don't want to give up control. I prefer to have women doctors, women lawyers, and female bosses.
thomas_the_tame on December 09, 2010:
Might I add, for those shy, submissive men who are young and who have not quite accepted their roles yet, it can be a trying time. Patience is a virtue. Even for those of us who are older and are more comfortable with our "type", it can take some time to adjust to a relationship where we are not in control. Single life necessitates a certain amount of control just to get by, so in the moment when you finally find someone with whom you feel a connection, who is willing and desires to take the dominant role, it can still take time to adjust. Often dominant women (not unlike dominant men, I suspect) rush for the finish line, expecting their every wish to be fulfilled, leaving a new submissive reeling, and often resisting involuntarily, as a defensive reaction more than anything else. Like anything, any relationship, regardless of the type of roles or genders, takes time to foster the trust and intimacy necessary to feel fulfilled.
mrwallstjournal on November 20, 2010:
You may be right on about the filtering part. I never thought of it that way, but honestly I have come to realize that in the beginning of relationships I am more dominant and masculine than I truly am. She even said that in the beginning of our relationship, I was different. I believe this to be true, though I wrote a lot of it off to the "courting" process.
I am currently dating pretty much the exact opposite of my ex. She is quite submissive, even from the get go. And I am currently being quite dominant, and I am older than she is, so it is easier for me to take this role as she is less experienced. I am trying to see if this is the way to go, and will keep you updated and may ask for advice. Will keep you posted, and thanks for sharing all this info with us men, we need to talk about this stuff but are afraid to most of the time.
Lucy83 (author) on November 20, 2010:
Hi Charles and thanks for the nice comment.
How can anyone tell you what kind of partner you should go for? I just know that both sides have to be ready to adapt to the other. If your ex wanted you to be more in charge sometimes, then you could have done so. But likewise, she would have had to be willing to do the same for you.
Things get difficult if one side needs something that the other can't or won't give.
Has it also occurred to you that those women putting on a front are just testing you? They might just be trying to filter out all the 'sensitive' men with their strong front. It's a kind of playing hard to get and see who has the guts to break through.