Andrea has a background in Myers-Briggs and Western astrology. She mostly writes about relationships.
Use Your Intuition
It isn’t always easy to tell if you’re dating a player. Pro players can keep a number of women at their fingertips without any of them ever knowing.
As you get closer to your boyfriend, you’ll start to notice clues and feel it in your gut. Make sure to stay classy no matter what and don’t come off as a crazy stalker. If he is a player, it will come to light. If he is genuine, this will come to light as well. Don’t stress yourself out too much. It’s easy to have trust issues and to blow things out of proportion, so don’t impulsively pull the trigger on your budding romance.
So why do players play? The list of reasons is never-ending. It could be because they consider it fun, or they just think they’ll never get caught. And then there’s the hopeless romantic that naively hopes their player-boyfriend just doesn’t believe they’re good enough for a relationship, so he sabotages it. Don’t be that naive.
Players Detest Commitment
You need someone who can go into dark corners with you, someone who isn’t afraid of Voldemort, and you need someone who isn’t afraid of Darth Vader. What do I mean? You need someone who isn’t afraid of commitment and monogamy.
Good leaders in this world won’t let the real things scare them. This is the kind of person you should be dating. Not someone who only wants the fun, without the parts that actually make a relationship interesting — the deep stuff, the conflicts, the hard decisions, and the compromises.
I don’t like when couples say “it hasn’t always been easy… but”
When people say that they’re trying their hardest to say what is good — but what they’re really doing is negating and softening the very real and serious problems. (Like cheating.)
The big takeaway: life is based on conflict. All good literature has great conflict. But it’s not so much the conflict that defines the relationship, it’s the characters who are willing to face it and overcome it to get to better pastures.
You already have to deal with conflict and challenge it as an individual. A partner is someone who wants to face the obstacles with you rather than allow the problems to grow to the point that nothing can be done.
A player is someone who handles a relationship as if they prefer to cut their hair with toenail clippers. They’re ineffective for the long term. You have to go straight for the jugular to resolve issues. You can’t dance around at your ankles and hair tips and expect to make real progress. Apply some elbow grease.
A lot of guys are merely ankles and hair tips. Cute, but you’re not going to Mordor with the one ring with this guy. You need to focus and find your Samwise Gamgee.
Signs He Is Just a Player
1. He mentions his ex enthusiastically. You get the impression that they’re not just friends but still have a connection. He could be dating the two of you at the same time. He may have actually never broken up with her.
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2. He won’t see you at certain times of the week. He also has poor reasons as to why he can’t see you. He would be furious if you went to his house on a day that you don’t normally get together.
3. He makes poor excuses when he cancels on you — chalks it up to allergies, says he ate too much food, wants to spend time cleaning behind his television. The excuses sound stale or make-believe.
4. When you visit him, you find trinkets that belong to other women. Hot ticket items include: jewelry, undergarments, makeup, high heels, pantyhose, mini skirts, dresses, fancy blouses, scarves, perfume, pink toothbrushes, and pink razors.
5. Sometimes he says he swears he told you certain details. What he means is that he told another lady the same details but forget which one he told.
6. He says whatever he can to get some action with you; lying is not beneath him. It’s confusing as to whether or not he wants a relationship with you or is playing the field. As soon as you are about to cut things off with him, he love bombs you. He acts like he will only focus on you. Expect elaborate gifts and weekend retreats.
7. He pushes you frequently for something more physical and is remiss at talking about his emotions or the future. He also calls you only at booty call hours: 11:00 PM to 4:00 AM.
8. He refers to other women frequently and doesn’t seem to have a clear definition of what is a female friend. He may refer to you simply as a friend even if you feel like that stage has passed.
9. He refers to you as accepting his “routine.” Why would someone use the word “routine?” Why is he putting you on a routine? Because he has a rotation.
10. He seems tired and disconnected all the time. You know he works hard, but he doesn’t seem as energetic as you. He may be spending his energy on someone else. And when you sleep around a lot it disrupts your sleeping schedule.
11. When describing you and why he likes you, he lists off his favorite features as though you are a car. He struggles to talk about why he thinks he has a good connection with you.
12. He is jealous of any male presence in your life. This is very telling. Jealous people often go behind other people’s backs to get some action. They don’t trust people because they betray people behind their backs.
13. The terms of your relationship or dating experience are too loose. It makes it easy for him to say, well you weren’t exactly my girlfriend, were you? Dick move for sure.
14. He seems emotionally confused more than he should. One moment he is warm to you, the next he is cold. You can chalk it up to stress or other life events, but at some point, you have to admit he is acting really suspicious.
15. He only has one favorite activity with you. He never plans dates. He never asks about your friends. He never asks about your family. He only wants your body.
16. He tells you he is a player. Take him for his word. Don’t expect that you can change him. You can’t. And he probably won’t change.
17. He says he can’t settle down with one woman. He doesn’t know how. It isn’t what he wants.
18. You met him on a dating app, and he is still using dating apps. You can find his dating profile(s). He says he got into dating apps to hookup with lots of ladies. He says he uses apps just to chat with people.
19. He treats people in service with no respect. He makes rude comments about wait staff, he never says thank you, and he walks all over people. This is someone who doesn’t respect people’s feelings.
20. He is way too sexual to be normal. He often wants to try new things and puts pressure on you to do things you don’t want to do.
21. He frequently makes promises he can’t keep because he hopes the promise will impress you. He has no intention of following through.
22. He isn’t interested in what makes you tick as a person. He’d rather just know you on a shallow basis.
23. He broke up with his last girlfriend for you. He will eventually break up with you for someone else. Maybe even go back to his last girlfriend… if he ever did break up with her.
24. He confuses what’s happened in your life with another girl he has been seeing. He asks you about your sick mom… but your mom isn’t sick. He says he misses your cat… but you don’t have a cat.
25. He gets dates and times confused all the time. He switches his schedule around a lot, and you’re left guessing.
26. He asks you if you would be interested in a threesome. And it’s with his ex!
27. He has stood you up more than once without explaining why. You’ll never know why he couldn’t make it to your 30th birthday party.
28. He leaves for extended periods of time, whole weekends, without telling you where he went and who he went with. You would have to try prying it out of him to get any information. Good luck!
29. He mocks you and says you don’t trust him enough. His middle name is “Gaslight”.
30. He gets up and leaves to make mysterious phone calls, and he doesn’t tell you who it was. Bonus: he has a special shower case for his phone, so he can take secret phone calls in the bathroom.
If you know he is playing with your heart, don’t stick with him. It may suck to break up and move on — but sticking around with someone who doesn’t respect you is worse.
You have to cut the cord. There are plenty of others on this big planet who would love to date you and will appreciate you for all that you have to offer.
So don’t be afraid if you catch him with another woman. Step up to the plate and stand up for yourself. And if you ever feel that you are in a dangerous situation, tell your friends, call violence hotlines, call for help. You don’t have to do this alone. You are strong, beautiful, and majestic. You deserve a boyfriend who cares about your needs. You deserve a boyfriend who will offer their shoulder for you to cry on.
You deserve a good life. Don’t let some bad boyfriend bring you down. Never let anyone take away your smile.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2016 Andrea Lawrence