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Signs He Isn't Ready for a Relationship

Andrea is a freelance writer. She writes on topics from interior design, relationships, ghosts, to anything creative. Contact her for work.

Due to some of the freedoms we have now in the western developed world, we have some consequences associated with commitment issues. One of the main purposes for marriage licenses in the past was to ascertain that a man would stay with a woman to help raise her young rather than leave her behind in a state where she may not survive the pregnancy and cause her children to be orphaned -- and there was overall less security and more danger in the world of the past.


Today, we do have fantastic reasons for our flexibility in defining our relationships; however, since we are getting married older and having sex before marriage commitment is becoming an issue and the results are not pretty from higher rates of domestic violence, confusion as to who are our parental units, and the overall breakdown of family for many people. Family and marriage are still strong institutions. Several marriages do in fact survive, to be honest if 10% of all marriages survived -- that's still a large number when considering billions of people.

We have to take into consideration as to what works and what may be our own selfish behavior. I would say many women in their twenties out mature their men counterparts. A lot of these issues does have to do with not needing a license to have sex. Ladies, all too often if you set the status quo too low, he won't try to rise above it.

Sometimes a man may sincerely like you, but isn't ready and here are some of the frustrating signs that though he is probably into you -- he isn't ready to start anything serious.

1. He won't spend time with you but is positive toward you otherwise. He literally will do anything not to be around you because it may offset his plans. Not making plans with you at all is a bad sign. Sometimes guys are busy, trying to set a new direction for their lives, etc. Take caution if you are going to be waiting for one of these.

2. He is still avidly dating / going out with several women and talking about women's bodies as if it doesn't hurt anyone's feelings. He is playing the field this means he isn't ready to settle down.

3. He doesn't feel like he is far enough in his career or finances to provide for a suitable structure. He doesn't feel ready and he would rather be.

4. He is spending too much on alcohol, drugs, tobacco, marijuana, lottery tickets -- and other nonsense more associated with being 21. Someone who is ready for a healthy relationship will have a better understanding of their finances. They might do some of these things, but more in the background of their lives.


5. He has never moved out of his parents' house. This is really weird the older he gets.

6. His life is in too much in transition and he is unsure where he'll be living, etc. If his life is changing a lot, he probably can't offer you stability.

7. He hasn't learned to ignore some of the required pressures we associate with in life. He is too overwhelmed. He doesn't know how to prioritize his life yet.

8. He is too attached to Playboys to transition out of them yet. He likes his porn more than he likes a relationship. Porn is not good for the brain; it can rewire it to become addicted and take the place instead of where a relationship should be.

9. He is too young... at least in his mind. He may want more time to develop who he is as an independent. Anyone 20 and under is incredibly young to be settling down in this day and age.

10. He may be too attached to his bros. Having friends is great, but there are times in life where this is much more a primary focus than when someone is ready to be in a relationship. At the end of college, he may want to hang out with his friends who will be moving away soon.

11. He doesn't know how to care about you beyond seeing you as an object for sex. If he doesn't care about your emotional, mental, and spiritual wellbeing then he might only care about how you pleasure him.

12. He may be too focused on his plans to notice what in the world is happening in your life. If he doesn't care about your grandmother's death... not only is this a bad sign for a potential interest, but he's kind of a bad person if you know him at all.

13. He still is spending a great deal of time on his ex-girlfriend. If he is with her and communicating with her, then he isn't done with her. If he keeps talking to you about her, then he probably isn't so attached to you.

14. He recently got out of a relationship. He needs time to recover and process what happened. Be careful not to be a rebound, your odds of a successful relationship are low.

15. He may have recently had some trauma that is putting dating on hold such as a close death or his parents divorced.

16. He has no clue what he wants to do and is mostly wasting his time. He probably doesn't know what he wants in a woman either.

17. He doesn't invite you to any of the events in his life whether big or small. Not inviting you to his birthday if he knows you pretty well -- is weird.

18. He has too much on his plate from work to other side interests. His schedule is too congested to have time for you.

19. He is dealing with an illness or someone close to him is. This would cause him not to be focusing on romantics.

20. He is moving to a different locale soon. Why start a relationship if you are moving unless you already are pretty serious?

21. He is in a relationship with someone! DUH, THAT'S BAD. Just be a good friend, but don't be putting on any moves. The only time to confess feelings is if he just started dating someone and you've known him for a long time.

22. He doesn't have a job, car, degree -- nothing. He isn't anything or going anywhere yet.

23. He isn't interested in meeting your friends or family. He should want to do this.

24. He frequents strip clubs.

25. He actively and noticeably is into porn... right in front of you. He compares you to the images he sees. He wants to try those things.

26. His house resembles a bachelor pad covered in filth. If you would describe him as a "bachelor" then he probably has some growing up to do.

27. He smells constantly; men put more effort to smell nice when they are ready.

28. He is in jail or about to be. Don't date someone like this!

29. He hasn't graduated high school yet. TOO YOUNG.

30. He isn't attentive to you in any regard. When men are interested they ask questions, they check to make sure the surroundings are sensible, etc.

31. He is uninterested in anything happening in your life.

32. He does not show any empathy when something serious has happened to you.

33. He does not say hello or make any conversation when he sees you. He simply does not know you exist or he does not care to communicate with you.

34. He spends more time with your sister or best friend. He is probably more interested in them than you.


35. He is into men! That is not going to change.

36. He flat out tells you he isn't ready for a relationship. Guys are honest when they say this. Maybe in the future that will change, but don't hold to that.

37. He doesn't know you are a woman... you may be dressing too boyish, try on some heels and a flattering dress for once.

38. He sees you as only a friend and doesn't see you as something romantic. Try changing your appearance and your conversation topics to change that opinion.

39. You don't attract him. His eyes don't light up when you're around.

40. He has kids who he wants to spend a lot of time with and not you. He may not be over his past wife whether from divorce or death.

41. He is uncomfortable with touching you in any capacity. Which is a pretty bad sign.

42. He doesn't know you exist, really.

43. Try asking one of his guy friends what they think about you, especially a close guy friend or his roommate.

44. Ask his close best friend that is a girl what she thinks -- if you're certain she's not into him.


Andrea Lawrence (author) from Chicago on January 06, 2016:


Thank you!

vishal on January 05, 2016:

All d 45 points I could relate to my current phase..awesome writing

Sapna Kaur on July 14, 2014:

This was a great article. I'd like to add that when you have discovered that this is the scenario...RUN! I would never want to be with someone who was not ready to be with me, I would walk away.

dashingscorpio from Chicago on December 30, 2013:

I think you made some very valid points!

Your statement: "Many articles state that men are generally happier being married;" may be very true. A few years ago AARP did a survey which revealed that 66% or 2/3rds of all divorces in the U.S. are "initiated" by (women). I suspect better career opportunities and higher salaries for women today gives them more options than their grand-mothers had. The more options one has the less crap they're willing to put up with! LOL!

Andrea Lawrence (author) from Chicago on December 29, 2013:

Longest comment I have ever received... thank you? No really, thank you. I am impressed with what you've left behind here.

I think in part women are designed more to think about relationships where men are to pursue career. I think that's been going on for centuries, since women were raised into caretakers while men generally fought wars, worked fields, etc. Also, women have a shorter biological gap to fill in having babies which is partly why they feel the need, in most countries, to marry earlier and be ready earlier. Not until we've had revolution in the workforce have women been able to provide for themselves financially, so it made sense to marry someone slightly older who had good financial practices. Some of this also has some patriarchal underlinings that are a little creepy. Sex has steered further away from the idea of marriage, though we haven't always had the construct of marriage; it is a societal development. I think we've gotten a tad loose with sex to the point that we're struggling to have commitments that are meant to help foster stability, growth, and trust. It's great that we can break these bonds when they become abusive, but society does need help in understanding relationship sustainability. This article I wrote is also sheepishly teenage and for the twenty-something crowd. Many articles state that men are generally happier being married; having a spouse gives them identity often times and yet we're persuading them more and more to be conquestors of all the flavors of an ice cream shop. This fragmented, scattered jumping from woman to woman... isn't helping masculinity but creating problems. And we could open a whole can of worms here on gender because this is the surface, but hopefully society can figure out the why to the question of how is marriage and family important in the modern times.

dashingscorpio from Chicago on December 29, 2013:

Very interesting.

Your statement: "I would say many women in their twenties are more mature then their men counterparts. A lot of these issues have to do with not needing a license to have sex. Ladies, if you set the status quo too low, he won't try to rise above it." (I partially agree with).

The maturity theory is true in part mainly due to how differently boys and girls are raised in our society. Little girls are often given baby dolls to feed, change diapers, clothe, comb their hair, dress them up, and push around in strollers. Many of them are also given Easy-bake ovens to cook little cakes and make cookies. A lot of them are given Ken & Barbie dolls along with a playhouse to decorate or host pretend tea parties, and some are given "princess dresses" which are symbolic to wedding dresses and the fairytale of having a prince come along to whisk them away. (Essentially by the time a girl reaches her teens she has been "pretending" to be a mother/wife for most of her life!)

By contrast little boys are given water pistols, remote control planes/boats/cars, games to compete with friends, and anything that flashes bright colors and make noises. (Very few if any little boys "pretend" to be fathers or husbands during their childhood.) Boys are encouraged to be more self-centered in their childhoods. In other words girls have on average a 10 year head start on boys when it comes to thinking along the lines of marriage and having serious relationships. Last but not least the start of a girl's first menstrual cycle is a major life change which contributes to them having serious discussions about womanhood. For some girls this may start as young as age 11 or 12. No one is having any "manhood" discussions with a 11 or 12 year old boy!

By the time a woman hits her 20s she has attended weddings, dreamed of having her own, and raised imaginary children during her early childhood. A man in his 20s feels like he just moved out of his parent's basement or a college dorm room and now he wants to enjoy his freedom. The last thing on his mind is becoming his parents! (Moving out of mom & dads house to taking on 30 year mortgage, wife, and having kids is like watching their life flash before their eyes!) Men feel like they can get married anytime they choose and therefore it's not a (dream or goal) they "hope" will happen one day.

According to statistics by age 44 approximately 84% have been married at least once. Therefore it's likely that most men will get married. It's just that their timing is different from women or they don't believe they have met "the one" yet. Whether women have sex or not with men has little bearing on when men they (feel) like settling down.

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