Should I Text Him First? 7 Reasons Why You Can (and Should) Make the First Move

Updated on August 29, 2017
thehands profile image

Jorge's relationship advice is based on experience and observation. He's seen many people—including himself—get seduced and hurt by love.

"Should I text him first?" you ask. Well, it depends. Do you want to wait, or take control of your dating life?
"Should I text him first?" you ask. Well, it depends. Do you want to wait, or take control of your dating life?

Should You Text Him First?

Imagine you went on a date with a great guy. He was intelligent, kind, funny, and a joy to be around. Even better, he seemed to really like you, too!

You have the proverbial butterflies and you can't wait to see him again as soon as you kiss and part ways.

When you get home, you have the intense urge to text him, but you hesitate.

Should you text him first? He hasn't contacted you yet, so texting him would seem desperate, right? You don't want to seem desperate, of course.

Common online (and in-person) advice encourages women to be kind of passive when it comes to "texting game." It usually tells them to wait a few days, or to not text a guy until he texts first.

Well guess what? The advice for guys is the same! Go online and have a look around for dating advice geared toward males. Men are encouraged just as much as women to feign disinterest and wait until the other party "chases" them.

Do you see why there might be a problem there?

We've turned into a society of people who are too afraid to show interest in each other. Both men and women might think that they're "playing the game," but really this is what's happening:

Her: "Oh my gosh, I really like him, but I don't want to seem like I like him too much. It'll make me look bad, like I'm less of a prize. It'll make him think that other men aren't competing for my attention and that I'm desperate for him. This will make him not respect me. Let me just wait by the phone and pretend I'm only casually interested."

Him: "Hm, she seemed really interesting and I'm really attracted to her, but I don't want to seem like I'm one of those guys who doesn't have other girls lined up. Women like it when guys act aloof, right? Let me wait by the phone and see if she gets back to me first."

And this is how two people who like each other hide their real feelings instead of being upfront. Why do people feel the intense need to hide these positive feelings, though? What's with the paranoia about seeming "too desperate"?

One word: ego. A human being will use any excuse to protect his or her ego from social annihilation.

You can rationalize it all you want, but at the end of the day you are afraid of rejection. You don't want to look bad. You don't want to seem like you don't have other options. You don't want to build the other person up too much by admitting that you like them. You want the other person to view you in a certain light more than you want an honest connection.

Coming on Too Strong

Now, is there such a thing as coming on too strong?

Of course! There are legitimately creepy things that you can do to seem genuinely desperate--but texting a guy first is not one of them.

All you're doing is sending a text message. It's not like you're climbing into his window in the middle of the night a depositing rose petals all over his bed while he's sleeping.

As long as you're not doing anything weird like that, there are plenty of great reasons why you should text him first:

He would probably be thrilled to hear from you first.
He would probably be thrilled to hear from you first.

1) You Are Encouraging Honesty Early On

After a date, there is nothing wrong with sending a guy a simple message like:

"Hey, I just wanted to say that I had a good time tonight and I hope we can do it again."

Probably, he feels the same way.

If he doesn't, then who cares? At least now you know. All your cards are on the table, and if he's a decent person, he will respond in kind by showing you all of his.

Instead of playing a guessing game, you can take the first step to establish openness and honesty early on in the relationship.

After all, if you start out by playing silly mind games, then don't be surprised if the games continue once you're past the dating stage. The things that you do when you're first getting to know each other can set the tone for the rest of your relationship.

2) You Are Showing Social Courage

Want to demonstrate that you're different from other women right off the bat? Have some social courage.

Don't be afraid to ask for what you want.

This doesn't mean that you have to be pushy or weird, but it does mean that you have to be upfront. It means that you're not afraid to text him first if that's what the situation calls for.

Lots of women seem to have the erroneous belief that men will be turned off by women who are obvious and upfront. This is not true in most cases.

An open and vulnerable woman (or man, really) is hard to come by. If anything, your guy will probably be impressed.

Some guys may seem aloof, but really it's just that they don't take your hints well!
Some guys may seem aloof, but really it's just that they don't take your hints well!

3) Your Date May Not Take Hints Well

Years ago, a girl pretended that she didn't like me because she was afraid of rejection. She acted disinterested and even went so far as to be kind of cold towards me (or so it seemed to me).

Since I was bad at taking hints, I totally missed all the signs that she was into me and wanted me to make a move. It was only until weeks later, when she was honest with me about how she felt, that it even dawned on me that she was interested. Because she ignored me, I had thought that she actually disliked me!

Some guys are just bad at taking hints, myself included. No matter how long you wait for them to contact you, they may never make a move because they simply think that you're not interested.

4) He Might Be Waiting For You to Text Him First

Generally, I agree that a guy should text a girl first for practical reasons. It's simply what is socially accepted, and most women are just not willing to put themselves out there like that. More importantly, most women prefer to be led by the guys they date, not the other way around.

However, not all guys got the memo on this one.

For reasons of his own, your love interest may be waiting for you to text him first. It's possible that he doesn't want to bother you. Maybe he's been rejected by women in the past who accused him of being "creepy" for merely showing interest.

There are plenty of reasons why a great guy might be hesitant to text you first.

5) You Don't Have to Sit There and Wait For Something to Happen

Because it takes a certain amount of guts to show your interest upfront, many women avoid doing it. They avoid texting first, asking to spend more time together, and saying the first "I love you."

While this can work out just fine if you find a guy who has fewer social fears than you do, it means that you have given up much of the control over the progress of the relationship. You're sitting there, waiting for things to happen, instead of making them happen.

If that's what you want, then great. Don't complain if your relationships go nowhere, though.

The sooner you get the initial texting out of the way, the sooner you can use those phones to take couple's selfies.
The sooner you get the initial texting out of the way, the sooner you can use those phones to take couple's selfies.

6) You Get to Spend Less Time Agonizing and More Time Enjoying Each Other

When you get right down to it, someone has to contact someone eventually to get things going.

Instead of "waiting at least three days" or, worse, sitting there and agonizing indefinitely about when this cool person will text you first, just break the ice already. Life is too short.

7) Romantic Interest Has a Shelf Life

It's a very unromantic thing to say, but it's true: Romantic interest in another person has a shelf life. If you delay acting on your budding feelings, things will cool down very quickly.

If both of you are avoiding texting each other first out of a fear of vulnerability, eventually you'll start to forget all of the good feelings you felt when you saw each other. Your fond memories will become tepid. Both of you will start to question why you liked the other person in the first place.

Strike while the iron is hot! Don't delay things so much. If he's taking to long to text you, then text him first and get things going.

Your Willingness to Make the First Move

Are you willing to text a guy first?

See results

© 2017 Jorge Vamos

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    • thehands profile imageAUTHOR

      Jorge Vamos 

      4 months ago

      Self conscious:

      I wouldn't think texting would be a bother, since he can just answer when he wants, right? Probably you can just avoid calling him or showing up all of a sudden without texting him first to confirm a specific time.

    • profile image

      self concious 

      4 months ago

      i usually text first, but the other day we had a very deep conversation about like and he said his biggest pet peeve was being bothered so he likes to keep to himself. i dont know what to do know. just keep texting first?

    • profile image

      Cupcake 

      6 months ago

      I usually text first then he takes like 2 hours to text me back! So I’ll wait 5mins then text him back then the conversation usually a there. Or I’ll text back right away and still get the same results!!

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 

      12 months ago

      Great advice!

      "Should you text him first? He hasn't contacted you yet, so texting him would seem desperate, right? You don't want to seem desperate, of course."

      Women will never be equal to men in the dating world until they stop worrying about what (men) think.

      If you can't "be yourself" you're with the wrong person!

      "Hey, I just wanted to say that I had a good time tonight and I hope we can do it again." - Perfect first text!

      The only other advice I give to people is don't become overly emotionally invested after a single date.

      Dating is much like an employer looking to fill a position.

      Until you have agreed to have an "exclusive relationship" with someone you should be keeping your options open by dating/interviewing (multiple candidates).

      One of the reasons why people are so hung up on terms like "ghosting", "benching", and "breadcrumbing" is because they emotionally invest in people too quickly.

      They're choosing to be a passenger instead of a driver. Too many people spend their time being/thinking like sellers and not buyers.

      Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse.

      Each of us has our mate selection process & "must haves" list.

      Each of us has our own boundaries and "deal breakers".

      Last but not least an early rejection saves everyone time. Ultimately a rejection simply means: NEXT!

      Thankfully there are over (7 Billion) other people on earth.

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