Poppy is the author of A Bard's Lament and the Black Diamond series. She lives in Enoshima with her husband and young son.
It's true that being open and honest with your partner is extremely important. The healthiest couples confide in each other, talk about their fears and aspirations and trust each other completely. However, there are also questions that must be avoided - the answers won't have any positive impact on you or him, asking them makes you both uncomfortable, and most of the time they make you look insecure or not confident. Let's take a look at a few questions you should never ask your boyfriend.
1. How many women have you slept with?
You may be curious, but it's never a good idea to ask your boyfriend about his past relationships and one night stands - what is knowing how many women he's been with going to do for you? The answer is nothing.
If he's been with a lot of women, chances are you're going to feel like he'll sleep with anyone and everyone, given the chance, and that he could be a 'jack-the-lad' who doesn't see sex as a personal thing. If he answers that he hasn't been with very many women at all, you might find yourself wondering - if he doesn't give it up easily, who were special enough that he did?
Also keep in mind that if you ask him this question, be prepared to answer it yourself! He will naturally want to know the answer from your side too, and you might not want to reveal something so personal, and something that really has no effect on your current relationship.
2. Is she prettier/funnier than me?
Whether you're referring to his colleague, classmate or friend, this question won't achieve anything except awkwardness. Jealousy is a natural thing that we humans fight to control - and asking questions that compare you, his girlfriend, to another woman, just confirms your jealousy and insecurity.
Plus, are any of the possible answers going to make you feel better? "Yes, she's prettier" will upset you, maybe make you angry or feel unattractive. If the answer is "no, you're prettier", you may just feel like he's lying, or saying what he's obligated to say. And there's also the possibility of "what? That's ridiculous", which creates tension and unpleasantness between you both. He won't understand why you've asked, and you won't really find out (or believe) the truth. Save yourself, and him, a headache by avoiding the question - and reassuring yourself that if he liked her more, he'd probably be with her, and not you.
3. Do I do this better than your ex?
We can't help that most of us have some kind of ex-relationship that may or may not affect your current one. An example of a bad idea is to ask your boyfriend if you're better than his ex in any way - whether it be in your looks or your cooking skills. Dragging up a past relationship will make him feel uncomfortable and unsure what to say. Similarly to the last question, what kind of reply are you looking for? An obligated "you're better in every way", or an honest answer you might not like?
Comparing yourself to an ex-girlfriend just shows that you're not fully comfortable with yourself, and can actually be very unattractive. You'll come off as jealous and obsessed with someone who he sees as part of his past. He's with you, and isn't thinking about your ex, so don't trouble yourself with thinking about his.
4. Do you watch porn?
Most men in the world watch pornography - and that's okay. It's a fairly natural thing, and if a man has access to a computer, chances are he will have watched porn at some time or another. Watching it doesn't take away from the fact that he's with you - if you're not around, for example, he might find a need for it. If you have a feeling he does watch it, don't worry about it. It's normal - think of it as you looking at a male model and finding him attractive, but it doesn't make you love your boyfriend any less.
Asking him if he watches porn will either lead to embarrassment or lying - and you don't need either of those in your relationship. Leave this one be.
5. Do you think I'm getting fat?
Asking this or any other question to do with your looks and weight is another way to make your boyfriend feel put on the spot, awkward and uncomfortable. If you're unhappy with how you look, then you can change it, if possible - you don't need him to tell you so. Asking if you're fat will either trigger an automatic quick response: "No way!" or, if he's more honest, he might say "well, yes, you could do with losing a few pounds." The latter will probably make you feel awful and wish you'd never asked, so do yourself a favour and don't ask.
6. Who just texted/called you?
If your boyfriend's phone rings or beeps, you might wonder who it is. Asking, however, can make you look insecure. Think of it as winning a point when you don't ask. Chances are it could be an unknown number, the telephone company, or maybe his mum. Don't embarrass yourself if you don't have to.
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7. What would you do if I got pregnant?
Of course, this question depends entirely on the relationship itself - if you've been married for years and you're looking to raise a family, then of course by all means, ask this question if it's appropriate. But if you're a couple of eighteen-year-olds who've been seeing each other for a month or so, stay away from this question completely. It'll completely throw him off guard - his first thought would probably be "wait - is she pregnant?!" and if you'r not, talking about it would be completely pointless, and prove that you're "testing" him on how serious he is about you. Don't worry about pregnancy unless you are actually pregnant; otherwise, this question isn't worth asking.
There are plenty of ways "around" the above questions, including self-reassurance. You don't need to know absolutely everything about your boyfriend, even if you've been together for years. There are some things best left alone, and knowing the answers to questions like these isn't going to make you feel any better. Save your relationship, be confident, enjoy each other, and love freely without insecurities and misery.
Questions & Answers
Question: Is it okay to call your boyfriend every day?
Answer: It depends on your boyfriend’s personality type. Usually, I would say no. One of my friends complained that his girlfriend Skype called him every single day and it took a lot of time from him. Are you always the one calling him or does he call you as well?
Question: Is it ok if the guy I like doesn't call when he is supposed to, and even after I ask him to text, he says he is busy? How could I fix this?
Answer: Concentrate on your friends and family for a while and don’t stress over him calling. Guys prefer to chase an aloof girl.
Question: Is it okay to ask my boyfriend how important I am to him?
Answer: I suppose so, as long as you’re not giving him ultimatums (for example, “am I more important than your friends or video games?”)
Question: If I ask my boyfriend if he's in the mood for sex, is that wrong?
Answer: I don't think it's wrong at all.
Question: How do I know if my husband is gay?
Answer: If he likes men. Why don’t you ask him? Not in an accusing sort of way, but in an interested sort of way. Why not start with “do you think some guys are hot?”
Question: Is it okay to expect your boyfriend to do some things solely because of you? For example: hang out with your friends from time to time, stop texting his ex. Are these examples of reasonable requests of a boyfriend?
Answer: That’s a case by case situation. He doesn’t necessarily have to be friends with your friends. In some ways, it’s nicer to have time with your boyfriend and then time with your friends separately. As for texting his ex, you can’t really control who he talks to. However, if they broke up fairly recently it’s a bit disrespectful for him to be chatting with her. But if they are friends who happened to date years ago then it’s probably all right. If you trust him, then it shouldn’t be a problem. Ask yourself if you’re just jealous because she’s his ex, or if there’s a good reason for you to be worried.
Question: Is it ok to ask if he’s hiding anything from me?
Answer: I think that's ok, as long as you have a reason to ask and you don't come across as accusatory.
Question: Is it ok to ask my ex if I still have a chance to be in his life?
Answer: It depends on how messy your breakup was, and how long ago you broke up.
Question: The person I am with is very sweet. We sometimes get quite sexual, but we aren't official. How can I tell if he's serious about me?
Answer: You could ask him to go steady and see how he reacts. Or ask if he wants to date other people or if you want to make it exclusive.
Question: My boyfriend asked me about my breast size, which I had no problem telling him. He also asks for the occasional sexy pic, which I have no problem sending him. Is it ok for me to ask him for a sexy pic occasionally as well? Also, out of curiosity, is it ok for me to ask him his penis size seeing as he knows my breast size?
Answer: Since you send him pictures, it’s completely fine to ask him for pictures too as long as you’re both over 18 years old.
As for his size, some men don’t like to be asked, but it seems you’re already having sexually driven conversations so it’s OK to ask him.
Question: What if my boyfriend says "send a nude" and I don’t want to but I’m too scared to say it to him?
Answer: Say "I don't send nudes." Trust me, saying no to nudes is really cool and he'll respect you for it. If he gets angry or demand naked pictures, he's a creep and you shouldn't be going out with him. If he says cool no problem, you know he's a good guy.
Question: Is it ok if I ask my boyfriend if he ever wants kids? And is it okay if I ask my boyfriend if he loves me?
Answer: Sure, as long as you’re asking in a happy and positive way!
Question: Is it OK to ask your boyfriend how experienced he is in the bedroom? (Being specific like toys, etc.)
Answer: Yes, that’s fine, as long as you don’t appear jealous or disappointed. Ask in an intrigued and seductive way, appearing delighted at the experience he does have and excited at things he hasn’t tried yet.
Question: Why does my boyfriend stay online but not text me?
Answer: He might be texting his friends or family. If you need a distraction, try texting your friends too. Make him miss you a bit!
Question: Is it okay to ask my boyfriend where he is and what he has eaten?
Answer: I suppose so, but don't demand to know where he is all the time, otherwise he'll feel like you're too much. I'm not sure why you'd want to know what he's eaten, though?
Question: Why shouldn't I ask what he would do if he got me pregnant?
Answer: It depends where you are in your relationship. If you've been together for years and considering having children, it's fine. If you've only been together for a few weeks and you suddenly ask him "Hey, what would you do if I got pregnant?" it puts unnecessary pressure on him. Often, men will say what they think a woman wants him to say, not his true feelings. What's the correct answer to that question? It'll stress him out and make you wonder why you're asking him that.
© 2014 Poppy
Poppy (author) from Enoshima, Japan on March 27, 2020:
You should get a job! It isn't your boyfriend's job to take care of you financially.
Cyndi on March 27, 2020:
Please is it my responsibility to ask my boyfriend for money about my maintenance
Max on August 07, 2019:
Thank fully, i uavent asked my boyfriend anyof these questions!
User on September 01, 2017:
You should add "Do you want to have a baby?"
nipster on June 14, 2017:
Awkward! That would certainly be! Thankfully I've never been asked these questions! :)
On a side note. I had a vietnamese girl ask me how much money I made a year-and this was during the first conversation we ever had.
I would've run like hell follows behind but according to my brother(who's lived in vietnam for a while) it's a common question. Nobody thinks twice about it.
Poppy (author) from Enoshima, Japan on January 31, 2017:
Okay :) You're entitled to your opinion. Thanks for commenting.
Poppy (author) from Enoshima, Japan on January 31, 2017:
These are only a guideline to help maintain a healthy relationship. It is your life and your relationship after all haha, you can do what you want.
miranda on January 31, 2017:
too late, I asked all those questions to my boyfriend thankfully he wasn't embarrassed about it, he was so respectful. god
Al on January 28, 2017:
Someone asks ? What does it matter if he watches porn ? Hmmm what does it matter if he is happy to support an industry in which 88% of the material it produces depicts women being demeaned by either being spat on , slapped , or otherwise abused ?
Well I'm sorry but to me and some other women that does matter ! And I'm no spring chicken myself so this isn't naivity speaking
Deborah Demander from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on December 07, 2016:
Interesting questions. I guess I'm getting old, because most of those questions seem like they come from a very insecure place.
When you are strong inside, then what does it matter if he watches porn, or how many women he's slept with? If he's with you now, then that is what is important.
In order to keep your man interested, don't seem so insecure and weak. Stand up tall and realize that he is with you now for a reason.
Thanks for writing. Well done.
Julie K Henderson on May 29, 2015:
Well done. I think you made several valid points in this article. I've definitely found that it is important to remember there are some things I'm better off not knowing.