Poppy is the author of A Bard's Lament and the Black Diamond series. She lives in Enoshima with her husband and young son.
Being in a relationship is great. You have passed that exciting but slightly awkward phase of getting to know each other, third and fourth dates, and now you've mutually decided to enter an exclusive, steady relationship. That's awesome.
There are a lot of "rules" that come with being in a relationship; several of which are the obvious things like be nice and don't cheat. However, the complicated female psyche is sometimes difficult to unravel, and sometimes an apparently harmless question can cause upset. Here are six questions you should never ask your girlfriend (unless you have a very good reason to).
1. How many men have you slept with?
This is a big no-no. Just don't ask. Don't do it.
Think about it. If she decides to answer this question, what kind of answer would you actually want to hear? If the number is more than you expected, then does it mean she might sleep with someone else while you're together? If it's only one or a few, who was special enough that she gave it up for them? And what if she refuses to answer at all?
The point is that she is now in a relationship with you, and the number of men she's spent time with in the past isn't important in the slightest. Nothing good can ever possibly come out of asking this question, so just leave it be.
2. Who was that?
Whether she just got done talking to someone on the phone or a guy said hi to her on the street, don't ask who it was unless there's a good reason for it. There isn't any need to know everything about everyone in her life. For all you know, it is probably a co-worker, an acquaintance or a friend of her dad's. If you're always asking her to tell you everything about any man who looks in her direction, it's going to get old really quickly.
Trust is everything in a relationship. If you don't feel that you can trust her and resist the urge to ask "so who was that?" when another man (or woman) speaks to her, then maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship at all.
3. Have you thought about losing weight?
No explanation needed. If you really need to bring up your girlfriend's weight, then ask more subtley, like this:
- Want to come to the gym with me?
- I'm going on a diet, shall we try it together?
If she has gained an enormous amount of weight since you got together, there might be something bothering her. Try to connect with her emotionally instead of just mentioning her size.
Chances are that if she has gained weight, she noticed way earlier than you did and is already self-conscious about it. Encourage and exercise with her, if that's what you want.
4. Want to try a threesome/girl-on-girl?
If you're a male, in a heterosexual relationship and your girlfriend has never expressed the slightest bit of interest in "girl-on-girl" action, then it is probably best that you avoid mentioning threesomes. Here's why.
- It sounds like you're thinking about having sex with other women.
- It sounds as if she isn't attractive enough by herself, and that you need more than one woman present before she's satisfying to you.
- It sounds like you're already bored with your sex life, and (depending on her personality) could damage her confidence.
Don't get me wrong. Women are not frail creatures needing to be sheltered all the time. But trust me on this one. If you're into lesbian pornography, then that is your choice, but if you've chosen to be in a one-on-one relationship and you know your girlfriend is straight, then show your girl some respect. After all, how would you feel if she asked you to invite more men into the bedroom?
5. I don't care. What do you want to do?
Though not as serious as questions 1-4, it's important to know that women really hate hearing on your date night "I don't care. You choose." Sometimes they want you to make plans. Sometimes all thy want to hear is "I've booked us seats at a restaurant and to see the new movie you were talking about."
There's no need to bend over backwards every single weekend, but sometimes it's nice for the man to take control of the situation and show that he cares by organising something. Try it.
6. Can you go on the pill?
Contraception can be a tricky subject, especially when you are in a long-term relationship. Presumably, the first few times you slept together you used condoms, but if you decide to live together, you may decide to change your methods of contraception for something less expensive or more convenient.
Many women in western countries take the contraceptive pill (around 60% of women in the USA aged 15-44 according to National Health Statistics). However, because of the many side-effects (increased risk of breast cancer, high blood pressure and depression, to name a few), some women are reluctant to use it.
It is the man's responsibility to make sure that condoms are there when they're needed, so for you to suddenly request your girlfriend goes on the pill for your convenience can be pushy, and can lead to your girlfriend feeling annoyed or upset. If she suggests it first, then that's fine. However, bear in mind that there are alternative methods, such as the coil.
There it is - six questions you should never ask your girlfriend. Do you agree with these? Did we miss any? Leave a comment below.
Questions & Answers
Question: How do I know if my boyfriend is sexually attracted to me?
Answer: Hopefully, he is attracted to you if he’s dating you! Dress up nicely, wrap your arms around him and kiss him. If he responds with enthusiasm, you’ve got your answer! If not, and you’re already together, it might be time to sit down for a good old-fashioned honest talk.
Question: If my girlfriend doesn't have sex with me but likes it once a week, if that, should I be concerned?
Answer: I'd say once a week is a good amount! Think of new ways to make her happy and get her in the mood, but never make her feel bad for not wanting to do it more often. Everyone is different, after all.
© 2016 Poppy
Poppy (author) from Enoshima, Japan on July 08, 2020:
Oh my, you're young. I hope it works out for you guys!
Aiden on July 08, 2020:
Nice I wud not want to ask my girl these it wud ruin us we are only 10 but wen were are old enough I wud not want her having sex with someone else
whyke Brian on June 07, 2020:
Its a good and teaching personalities about love
Rosa Marchisella from Canada on November 16, 2016:
Great list. Several of these questions have destroyed my faith in that particular relationship and/or my self esteem - especially #3 and #4.
Another one that comes up more often that I expected is asking her to quit her job to "help" him follow his dreams ... you know - so neither one has an income and all the focus & energy is on his passion !?!?!
Poppy (author) from Enoshima, Japan on November 16, 2016:
Oh I definitely believe the woman should take responsibility and be the 'driver', as you say; all I meant in the article is don't force the responsibility on your girlfriend. Maybe I didn't explain it properly in the article itself, but it's encouraging couples to both take responsibility instead of it all being the woman's job (or as you said, all the man's job). I'll think about how to explain it better. Thank you for taking the time to comment!
dashingscorpio from Chicago on November 16, 2016:
With regard to birth control the WISE thing is for a woman to make sure she doesn't get pregnant without wanting to. Depending on man is not the best course of action. When it's all said and done she will be the one who either decides to become a mother or terminate a pregnancy.
In the U.S. a man can't legally force a woman do either.
There are about 11 forms of birth control methods for women to choose from and the condom is only around 85% effective. Use them to avoid STDs.
However taking the pill, the shot, diaphragm, using an IUD, Today Sponge,or whatever else out there that's available to women is a very smart thing to do.
One the best ways to screw up one's life is having children with the wrong person! or before you're financially ready to become parents.
Given a choice between being "the driver" or "the passenger" in your life always choose to be the driver! One man's opinion!:)