How to Talk to a Girl Online: Proven Openers
According to Pew Research, online dating has lost much of the stigma it used to have. Almost half the American public knows someone who has tried online dating or met a partner online and one-in-five adults between 24 and 34 have tried dating online. So you're not alone!
Many people actually do find each other online and end up having long-term relationships. It's a pretty convenient way to meet someone. My dad even met someone on Eharmony last year and is still dating her to this day.
Even though it's getting more popular, talking to women online isn't that easy. There are some proven things that work when trying to start conversations, though. I'm going to share with you some of the things that I've learned to get you talking and possibly meeting women, so listen up!
This article has sections on:
- Opening lines
- General approaches to starting conversations online
- Tips on engaging in conversation
- Tips on making a great profile
Getting a Date Online
I'm going to help you boost your game and give you proven openers that get women talking to you like nothing else. I'm also going to give you some tips on engaging in conversation.
First, I want to give you the scoop. 70% of girls who go on POF (Plenty of Fish) go on just to have a conversation. Some girls like the feeling of having a lot of guys talking to them. But there are also a lot of women who are on online dating sites because they would actually like to meet someone. They don't just want an online friend and they're not on there to boost their ego. So when you're trying to start conversations, remember that everything you do should move towards meeting in person and taking things offline.
My Experience With Online Dating
I used PlentyOfFish because it was free. I was NOT going to pay to do online dating. I still use it time and again when I'm bored, probably like some women do.
I physically met five of the girls I talked to on POF, and I lost count of how many numbers I got.
I actually got so good at conversing that I got to the root of why some girls don't want to meet up. Some girls really are scared to meet up with men from online dating with a site like POF, where it's hard to really know who you're talking to, and I don't blame them. POF is so risk-free it actually becomes a little risky, especially for women.
On other sites that you pay for, like eHarmony and Match.com and Zoosk, the site has all your information like where you live and your phonenumber. They even go through a confirmation process to validate your identity which makes it more comforting to women.
So if a woman doesn't want to meet up, there are a million reasons why that could be. She might be busy, in a relationship, out of town, recovering from bad experiences with men, or nervous. The problem isn't necessarily you. Don't get hung up on it, and just move on.
But you're here for the good stuff, so here we go:
My Four Proven Openers for Chatting up Girls Online
1. Quick question, why come on here if you're going to ignore all the guys anyway.
Explanation: I actually made this up and 90% of the time it works fabulously. You will get an instant reply. Even if she's a little defensive at first, it's much better than no response. This is a perfect teasing conversation starter.
2. You're cute, it's too bad you go for the jock type.
Explanation: She'll like the fact you gave her a compliment, but she'll be intrigued or outraged at how you think you know her. You can easily calm her down, though. Here's how I do it:
Girl: Excuse me? How would you know I go for the jock guy, you don't know who I am.
Me: Well I have a good eye, I can spot those kinds of girls when I see them.
Girl: Well not me.
Me: Ur right, I guess it takes time to get to know "some" girls. So what makes you different?
And I'm in.
Explanation: This one actually only worked for me 50% of the time, but I didn't use it that much. I thought it would be kind of weird and offbeat, something no other guy would use. It's worth a shot for you at least.
4. You're cute, it's too bad you're one of those shy girls.
This is an excellent opener for someone who is a sensitive guy because it matches you well. The way to engage her is similar to my second opener.
These are the ones that have worked really well for me, but here are some other pointers in case you tried these already or you want some other approaches to test out.
More Fun Openers to Use to Pick Up Women (Especially for Tinder and Similar Apps)
Getting a girl to respond to you on Tinder or similar sites is less about relationships and more about the game. Most women are using it to have fun, so have some fun! If you can make them laugh, then you're in. Don't forget to make a good profile too (see end of article).
Tips for Getting a Girl to Talk to You on Tinder (or Similar)
- Use their name if you know it.
- Make her feel an emotion (surprised, excited, insulted). Feeling something (even if it might be seen as slightly negative) is better than feeling nothing.
- Say something unique. Most guys don't put any effort into their messages. If you do, you'll likely see better results.
Suggestive and Confident Openers:
- Are you busy right now? Because you could be. With me. Doing it. Right now.
- Do you like muscles? I just went to the store and got some. We could share them. I'm talking about meat, btw. Also, I'm ripped.
- :) + :P = :00000 (get it?)
- Annnnnnnnd .. . . . I think we're married now. This is an eloping platform, right?
- You are the only woman that exists.
- Oh no. Now that I've seen your face I can't remember anything else in my life. I hope I don't have to be at work right now.
- FYI my profile is fake. If you want, though, you can get to know the model in the photos.
- I'm sure you get this all the time but DAMN GIRL, your face reminds me that I need to wash my sheets soon.
- Did you know that I run a back rub delivery service? Give me your number and your address and I'll be there as soon as I can.
- Did you know how much I love and respect all women? If we go on a date, you'll get to see just how much I respect you. I'll respect the sh**t out of you.
- Nice selfies :) You certainly have quite the hand.
- We both find each other attractive. Let's just skip the nonsense and get to the inevitable. What's your #?
- Pizza is my second favorite thing to eat in bed.
- I haven't figured out if you're going to be the nicest girl on my naughty list, or the naughtiest girl on my nice list.
- Very cool profile (almost as cool as mine)
- There's so many terrible things going on the world right now that it's hard to know what to do. Do you like making out?
- So yes I'm fully available as a man to date, but I thought I should also let you know about this lawn-mowing business I have. And my muscles. I have those.
- Are you trying to work on your golf swing? I don't play, but I'd still like to show you how.
- FAQ: Yes, I reciprocate. Yes, I'm open to being both big and little spoon. No, I don't validate.
- I'm so manly my beard is growing its own beard.
- I was thinking the morning after our date, I could make you some over easy eggs and then we could shower together before hopping on a plane to Paris. Any of that sound good to you?
- You like a decent rapper for a while girl.
Nerdy or Awkward Openers:
- I'm kind of a rebel. I open chip bags from the bottom.
- Wow you are so pretty and I look like a foot. Not even a sexy foot, just a normal foot with hair on the knuckles. Hey! Body hair! That's hot, right?
- Guess who has two thumbs and just got off his parent's cellphone plan. This guy! Give me your number and I can send you a pic of my thumbs for proof.
- I think I love you more than anyone's ever loved me.
- You look cut. I'd like to get some workout tips from you.
- OK look, I know I'm way out of my league here, can we just cut to the chase and have you ignore this message as fast as possible.
- You might not be able to take me home to Mom, but you can definitely take me home. Please do, actually. I'm homeless. Alternatively, can I dog-sit for you?
- Not to get political or anything, but voting booths really turn me on. Have you ever tried a hanging chad?
- I read the newspaper this morning and I'm not fifty years old. How turned on are you right now?
- Do you ever think about how life is just one long slow crawl to the middle? It'd be nice to see you there. I mean, we could see each other beforehand too.
- Prettiest smile I've seen in a while. OH MY GOD I JUST RHYMED.
- Cute smile :)
- AWESOME SMILE.
- Cute photos!
- Nice profile - I'm way outclassed.
Mean and Edgy Openers:
- Oh no you're trouble aren't you?
- You found me! You were looking for trouble right?
- Your parents will not like me. I can already tell.
- I can already tell you're not really a "take home to mama" girl.
- You're not really my type, but my type also sucks. Want to go out?
- Sorry you're not really my type.
- Wow you are not attractive enough to do that lip thing.
- Based on what I've seen, you seem like one of those crazy girls.
- Dang girl, are you an angel? Because you fell from heaven . . . oh dammit. I messed that one up. So . . . what's up?
- I'm right behind you. Wait, sorry that was someone else. Okay now look. DANGIT. Still someone else. Hold on I'm on my way!
- WHEW thank God I found you! I've been dreaming about you so long I was worried you didn't actually exist and that I was INSANE.
- Did you hear about that puppy stranded on a lifeboat in the middle of the Pacific ocean? Apparently its last wish was for us to go on a date. It was so cute!
- Hello, yes, I'd like to sign up to join the religion where we worship your face. Yes, the face-worshipping religion.
- Stop objectifying me! I'm a person too, you know.
- I don't care what your roommate did. Whatever it was, I just want to let you know that you're right and I'm here just to listen to you.
- If you'd like to opt out of a relationship with (INSERT NAME), please send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org. If you do nothing, you will continue to receive messages.
- Do you ever have so much money in your pockets that you get bruises on your thighs. UGH. Life is so hard.
- I've thought it over, and I'm okay with naming our first child Ray, though I don't think it's fair to doom him to a life as a comedian or a truck driver. If she's a girl, though, she'll definitely be hot. Whoa was that pervy?
- Do you ever lay down and stare up into the stars at night and wonder why there is so much sadness in the world, and why there are so many times in movies when you see someone make an incredible sandwich but they never get to eat it, or why we haven't met yet?
- If we went on a date, where would we go, and why didn't you just let me pay for your meal?
- Gotta run! They're after me!
- Your wish is my command.
- NBD but I just ate a footlong sub.
Top Tips for Starting Conversations with Girls Online
This section will give some general guidelines for starting real conversations with women online for sites like OKCupid, POF, eHarmony. It's a little more than just trying to pick them up. Below you'll also find some more approaches and examples both of what to do and what not to do.
- Don't say the first thing that jumps into your head. So . . . forget just saying "hi." This is what 90% of guys do. Make an effort to stand out.
- Don't say anything like "Ur gorgeous." Women hear compliments like that all the time. According to OKCupid's data blog OKTrends, messages that have words like "sexy," "beautiful," "hot," and "cutie," all received less responses. Girls aren't listening to that stuff, so quit saying it.
- Stop trying to be cool or cocky. Being arrogant is a turnoff for women. Use words that make you seem a little vulnerable like "sorry" and "awkward" and "probably." Online dating can be a minefield for women, so being less threatening will up your chances of making it into the real world.
- Tease. Online conversations are perfect for lighthearted teasing. You can really get to know her when you meet her in person.
- Be outgoing and positive. No one likes someone who's negative all the time. People are attracted to happiness.
- Relax if she doesn't respond. It's okay. You're not going to get a home run every time you hit the ball. Relax. Don't chase her. There are tons more women out there.
- Be enthusiastic about getting to know her. Ask her questions about herself, but leave the heavy getting-to-know-you stuff for in person.
- Use good grammar. On OKTrends, they found that messages with slang like "u," "ur," "ya," and "hit" and "can't" got fewer responses. The only exceptions were "lol" and "hahaha."
- Talk about her specific interests that you read in her profile, and tell her that you saw it there. Say something like, "You have good taste in music! I love Alicia Keys too." Or you can tease her about her tastes too, like "Alicia Keys, really?"
- Learn from your mistakes! Notice what works and what doesn't, and who's responding to what you're putting out there.
- Remember that the ultimate goal of this is to meet up with a woman in person. Don't keep the messaging going on for too long before asking for a number or to meet up. That said, don't push for it too soon either. The longer you're messaging each other, the longer you'll be messaging each other. Unless you went online to get a pen pal, that can get old really fast. Be bold! Ask to see her in person.
- Keep it short. Long messages are hard to respond to.
- Make her feel something! Make her laugh, surprise her, or tease her. An emotional response is a good start to a conversation.
- Have fun!
General Approaches to Try for OKCupid, POF, and other Online Dating Sites
For sites that are more known for people looking for relationships, it's best to try some other kinds of approaches, which will vary depending on your age, where you live, and who you're trying to meet. Remember that this is just a guide and not a law. Here are some approaches you can try:
1. Whimsical Statement Related to the Girl's Profile
Example: A cup of coffee turns me from a grumpy morning person to a happy morning person! My favorite spot is Philz. Have you been there?
An opener like this shows that you read her profile and saw that she likes coffee. You also gave her an easy question to answer if she wants to continue the conversation.
2. Comment Followed by a Date Suggestion
Example: I went to school in Boston too! I loved running on the Charles in fall. It was so beautiful. Also, I'm going to be a little bold here . . . I'm going to a dodgeball tournament with my friends on Monday night. Want to come? You seem like the kind of girl that might be into that sort of thing.
Whoa whoa whoa, you say. Isn't that too fast? Not at all. Many women online don't want to stay there. Show them that you've read their profile and then say something like "This is a little bold, but . . . " and give them an activity that you're going to and see if they want to go. It works best if it's a group hangout. You can combine it with a drink beforehand, making it really effective to find out more about who they are as a person.
If she takes a look at your pictures and profile and thinks you look cool, you're in.
3. Comment and Question
Let's say a woman who now lives in Austin, TX says she's from Montgomery, Alabama and talks about how much she shamelessly loves country music:
A sample message could be: Why shameless? Country music is God's gift to mankind. Have you been to Alamo? (a bar that plays bluegrass in Austin)
This shows the girl that you read her profile, and then gives her an easy question to respond to. Yes or no. As a bonus, if she hasn't been to that bar, then you can invite her to go out there.
4. A One-Sentence Opener and Date Suggestion
Example: Talk Spain and tennis with me over whiskey in the city? I enjoyed your profile :) Tom.
This message is genius. It shows the girl that you read her profile, have an idea of things she'd like to talk about and where she'd like to go, and introduces you to her. If she wants to meet up with you, she'll say yes and you'll exchange numbers. If she doesn't, then you won't waste your time messaging her.
Now you have your openers, get ready to respond to her replies!
Nine Common Approaches to Avoid
There are some approaches which seem to be really common that actually don't work at all. Learn them, avoid them, and move on. Here they are:
1. The Generic "How's It Going?"
This is a pretty common conversation approach, which is like you'd use if you were meeting a stranger in real life, so you say "Hi" or "How's your day been so far?"
This is definitely better than some other ways of talking to women online (i.e. hey sexy), but it's also pretty boring. It doesn't show that you've taken any time to read her profile or figure out what she might be in to. It's a really easy message to pass up, and unless you're Brad Pitt, she's probably not going to respond.
If you really want to use this approach, at least use an unusual greeting with proper grammar, like "Howdy" or "Oh hey there."
2. Introducing Yourself and then Asking a Generic Question
Example: Hey! I'm _____. How are you doing today?
This approach, like the above, is not so bad, though you probably won't see much success with it. Just like in real life, it's a little boring to just intro your name and then ask them how they're doing. They hear that kind of stuff every day. It's also easy to cut-and-paste this kind of message and when it's not even that interesting to start out with, it'll be easy for a girl to ignore.
Another problem with this approach is that you have to get from the awkward "hello we are both strangers" to going on a date with them. That's probably going to take more messages than you want to send or she'll want to respond to.
3. Random "get-to-know-you" question
This could be anything from a "Would you rather . . . " question to a "What would you do if . . . " question to any one of those lame icebreaker questions we've all had to deal with. They're bad for two reasons. One is that they sound like you Googled "good ways to start conversation with women" and went with the first one you saw.
Two is that they don't actually get any closer to you meeting up in person. Instead, you'll know that she'd rather die by razorblades than in a fire. How useful is that? It's not. Use questions and information that tells her about you and lets you get information about who she is.
4. "Hey sexy, beautiful, etc."
Like I mentioned above, women tend to ignore questions that start out with a physical compliment and you can safely assume that they'e already received dozens, if not hundreds, of similar messages. Make them feel interesting. You, by proxy, will also seem more interesting.
5. "I'm new to this whole online dating thing . . ."
Messages about how you're new to online dating and are not really sure how it works are boring. First of all, they focus on yourself and your own lack of confidence and they make her feel awkward because now she has to reassure you that it's okay. She doesn't want to be your mom. At worst, she'll also assume she's strange for trying online dating too.
Similarly, don't ask women how long they've been doing online dating. Those kinds of questions lead nowhere. Why does it matter?
6. "Hey I noticed you misspelled you're as your"
First messages that critique a woman's profile might seem cute, but they're just really annoying. No one wants to go on a date with someone who will be their judge for the entire evening. If you like her, talking about noticing her spelling error might be the perfect thing to bring up on your 20th date, or never.
7. Messages that are obviously cut-and-pasted
Take an extra minute and send her a message that shows you read her profile and are interested in her specifically.
8. "What's the craziest message you got on OKCupid?"
You might think this will make you stand out as "not one of those guys," and it does. Unfortunately, it makes you into a different kind of guy, one that doesn't get a response to his message.
Sure, most people know that women tend to get a lot of messages from men and that some of them are ridiculous. That fact, however, has nothing to do with you and her, and really nothing to do with her. So why are you asking it?
9. Complimenting a woman on her profile or giving her bonus points
This is kind of a tricky one. In some cases, you can tell a girl that you liked her profile and it will totally work for you. In others, it just makes it sound like she passed a test, and tests aren't fun. Saying something like, "You have one of the best profiles I've seen!" will make it seem like you've seen millions of profiles. No woman wants to be reminded that they're just another one in a crowd.
Similarly, giving a woman "bonus points" if she likes something that you do or can guess something about you based on a hint you placed in your profile makes you seem like you are always testing a lot of women and that they're just another dumb girl you're putting through their fool-proof test. None of these are good ways to start out with someone you think is attractive.
Engaging in Conversation After the Opener
The conversation part is where many people hit a wall. They either send too many messages and the conversation dies off before they get a chance to meet in real life, or they push for a date too soon when one party isn't ready.
The best advice for engaging in conversation is to stay positive, ask her specific questions about herself with information you got from her profile, and ask for a date as soon as possible (within three messages).
This is why the best openers start with a combination of showing the girl you read her profile and are interested in her and introducing yourself in a way that make the girl feel comfortable. Keep it simple! The more words you say, the more likely you're going to say something stupid.
Remember, you're going to make mistakes, and that's okay. The important thing is to make sure that you learn from them.
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Making the Perfect Online Dating Profile
The opener is just part of the equation. If you have a killer opener but your profile looks like a dud, the girl's not going to message you back.
If you want women to talk to you, you gotta look like someone worth talking to. Right? I've seen too many disastrous profiles that make guys look undateable. This is something that can happen even to good guys who are "just trying to be themselves" in online dating.
Here are some tips for shaping up your profile.
How to Make the Best Profile
Your profile picture is the first thing a girl's going to see when she sees your message, so make it count! It also appears in a lot of places on most dating sites and will definitely be your first impression.
Make Your Face Look Good
Your profile picture should be a pic of your face, nothing else. If it's blurry, if you're wearing sunglasses or a hat, if the picture is too dark, it's likely going to be a pass for her. Ideally, you'd also be doing something and looking away from the camera but a nice photo will do as well.
If you think that this is the perfect time to be holding a dog or a puppy, think again. If you love dogs or have kids, she'll learn about that in your profile.
OKCupid had a great blog post about how to find your best face for online dating. Some of the main takeaways:
- Pictures with flash age your face by seven years.
- Take your photos outside either in the late afternoon or in the early morning.
- Blur the background of your photo so that your face is the clearest part. This is really easy to do with online photo editors like Pixlr by using the focal point adjustment.
- Smile and look friendly.
- Have a friend take your photo for you so you can avoid the dreaded selfie pic. When they take it, think about the last thing that made you laugh and smile like you mean it.
- Don't be a show-off and kill the bro-shot or the gang sign pictures. You don't look cool. You look immature.
Don't Try to Hide Who You Are
For the rest of your photos, you'll want at least one clear body shot and some pictures that give a hint as to who you are and how you spend your time. Do you have hobbies? What do you do with your friends? Don't post too many pictures of you with alcohol or with other women. Those can give the wrong impression.
If you're not proud of your body or your face, use the photos as a way to show off your personality and something that you are proud of about yourself. If women feel like they don't know what you look like or that you're hiding something, they will almost certainly not agree to go out with you.
Keep It Fresh
It's also a good idea to test out a couple of profile pictures and rotate them every two weeks or so. What you think is a great photo might not actually be that attractive for the women you're trying to attract.
Also, stay recent. All pictures should be within the last six months or so, maybe a year. If you don't have any recent pictures, this is a great time to go do something fun with your friends and have them do a photo shoot with you.
Your Profile Name
Remember that kid in middle school with the weird name that everyone made fun of? Consider this round two. Choose a profile name that talks about your interests or how you define yourself. Putting a little thought into this will go a long way. Avoid anything sexual, cocky, or stupid.
This is not the time to try out bigdaddy_67 or 6romeo9. Just don't.
How to Talk about Yourself: Profile Description
Filling out your profile description can be daunting. If you think it's hard, you're not alone. Tons of guys don't know how to talk about themselves or do it in a way that sounds attractive. Luckily, there are some proven ways to make yourself look good when you're trying to tell strangers who you are
Don't talk about how awkward you feel filling out a profile or say anything like "I don't really know what to say or how this online dating stuff works." It makes you sound unconfident and uninteresting. That's not how you want to come across, is it?
As tempting as it may be, you shouldn't lie about the hard facts. Don't say you don't have kids if you do. Don't say you're a lawyer when you're a paralegal. Should you end up meeting a woman in person, it will be hard for her to accept the fact you lied to her even if she might have liked you otherwise. Dishonesty is a turn-off.
That said, if you occasionally smoke but wouldn't mind giving it up, it's okay to say you don't smoke. You know if you're being deceptive or not.
Don't lie about your profession. If you're not proud of the way you made money, instead emphasize where you want to be in a couple of years or what your goals are. That shows that you're driven and that you have a plan for your life. Women are into that.
Be open about your intent. If you actually want to meet someone, don't be shy about saying that. Downplaying your reasons for being online by saying that you don't have time for a relationship will only deter women from engaging with you at all.
This should go without saying, but your profile is not the place to complain about women or past relationships. In fact, it's not the place to complain at all. Talking negatively about women or anything will make you seem negative and unfun, and ultimately uninteresting. Be positive. Talk about what you do like.
A laundry list of what you're not looking for is really unattractive too (i.e. "Don't bother if you're a smoker or don't workout.") It makes you seem judgey, arrogant, and closed-minded. Talk about what you are looking for instead.
Tell a funny story! Girls like funny. Making them laugh is a great way to get them interested.
Talk about your quirks. If you're not sure what quirks you have, then ask your friends about some of the things they notice you doing. Being unique is how you're going to be able to attract attention in a sea of men.
Avoid going into a speech about your likes and dislikes. Imagine you're at a bar and a girl comes up to you and starts listing every single one of her favorite songs. No thanks. Instead, think of your interests as potential conversation starters. Just a little bit will do.
A longer profile is not necessarily better, and it doesn't have to be perfect. Again, in a blog from OKCupid, researchers found that profile pictures accounted for almost 90% of a person's impression of their profile. Your words, while helpful, are secondary. Keep your answers short, upbeat, and unique.
Meeting up in person is always the best way to get to know someone. Assume you'll really get to know each other then.
Use spell check and proper grammar. Obviously you should still sound like yourself, but you don't want to sound like a dummy or like someone who doesn't care enough to put a good impression of themselves out there.
You Get What You Give
Like in many things, the kind of responses you get from women reflect what you're putting out there.
Did you put time into your profile? Would the kind of woman you want to date be attracted to the person from your profile?
Did you put time into your messages? Are you sending messages that the kind of woman you want to date would want to respond to?
If you're not having any luck, talk to a close friend (female friend if possible) and get their input on what you're doing. Be open to their suggestions. Remember that part of the fun is making mistakes AND learning from them.
Good luck out there!
Just the brand name of the book, not calling you a dummy lol.
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