14 Red Flags for Men You Shouldn't Date on Tinder
Dedicated to: Everyone Who Likes Men, but Especially Women
Out of sympathy for myself and anybody else who is also interested in men (especially the straight women out there, man do I feel for you bunch), I’ve compiled a list of Tinder/OkCupid/online dating no-goes to help us all weed out the dudebros, fedora atheists, and serial killers. Let's face it; girls are beautiful and magical and smell nice, but men are often, well, underwhelming (and by that I mean extremely predatory).
Best of luck in your search, and god help us all.
1. More Than Two Shirtless Pics
No. Just no. He's a douchebag, hun.
EXCEPTION: He has several pictures, and only a couple are him at the beach or the gym, etc.
2. Faceless Pics
a) How the hell are you supposed to be attracted to someone if you can't see their face?
b) There is a 120% chance he's cheating on somebody. DO NOT PROCEED.
3. Only One Picture
Everybody can take AT LEAST one good picture of themselves in their lifetime, and I'm willing to bet my left breast that that is the pic he's using. One picture is not enough to accurately determine someone's appearance. The shit is untrustworthy.
4. Pictures of Them With Their Ex(es) With Their Face Edited Out
That is taking the old "waste not whatnot" adage to the extreme. It's not cute, and it's really not classy. He seriously couldn’t just take a selfie instead?
This is obvious.
EXCEPTION: He's rocking the whole hot-werewolf vibe, à la Jake Gyllenhaal. In that case, SNATCH HIM UP QUICK!!
Also completely obvious.
EXCEPTION: Ne-Yo, Humphrey Bogart.
7. Too Many Group Photos
If you can’t tell whose profile you’re actually looking at, he’s a fuckboy.
EXCEPTION: There is none; he's hiding something or trying to coast off of his more attractive friends.
8. Pictures With Promotional Models
This is grade-A sleaze at its worst, and a sure bet that he sees women as collectibles. If the thought of that turns you on or even sounds acceptable, you need to re-evaluate your life choices.
9. Too Many Photos Taken in Clubs
Welcome to his life. Literally. All he does is get SO FUCKING WASTED, BRO!!
EXCEPTION: Only one club photo, maximum two, but he better be fine if he has two.
10. Too Many Pictures at the Gym
This means he's:
b) a dudebro.
Do you even lift, bruh?!
EXCEPTION: He’s actually just really into fitness.
11. He Makes the Same Face in Every Pic
He's probably not a bad person, he's just really dull.
12. Drug Paraphernalia
So he wants the world to know that he’s a huge stoner. Cool, except he’ll probably never speak about anything else. Has he mentioned yet how many bong rips he's done today?
EXCEPTION: You are also a huge stoner. Carry on, then.
13. He Doesn't Know How to Dress
He's got pictures wearing socks and sandals, sunglasses circa 2003 to match his awkwardly-shaped goatee, and Hot Wheels flames sprouting up from the hem of his shirt, resting over his baggy bermuda shorts.
Please love yourself.
14. He Doesn't Smile at His Camera, He LEERS
Do you feel the heebie-jeebies when you look at him? Do you feel slightly nauseated? Very nauseated? Does he probably have strangely clammy, wandering hands?
I DON’T CARE IF HE'S CUTE, TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS AND SWIPE LEFT. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SWIPE LEFT.
He is probably an actual psychopath.