John studied Theology & Philosophy. Has worked as a Life Coach & is a Qualified Mentor. He's helped many & is a "Brain For Hire"
In Hope There Is God
The dating scene, online or offline, is a system full of "hope" and with hope, there is "God".
I spent many years in the dating scene as a single man, desperate to find a loving woman with whom I could settle down and become as "ordinary" as the people I worked with. I fell in and out of love, I know the pain of loss only too well and the joys of lust to boot but love was an elusive element. Over 20 years passed and although I never thought of myself as a sad person, others around me did.
Do you know how this feels? Are you now, where I was then?
I have a solution that sounds all too simple but when taken to heart it made such a huge difference to my personality and how others viewed me. Would you like to give it a try?
Do You Know Your God?
What or Who is My God?
I was brought up as a Roman Catholic, a Christian, and though I did not go to church regularly I still had a familiarity with prayer and praying.
Not everybody reading this will have the same background as me and may not even be Christian but it is easy to think that there is a power in the Universe that is bigger than we are. For me, and many other people, this is "God". As I said I'm not here to convert you to Christianity, that is not my purpose here.
I have a belief in a power much more powerful than myself, that has created everything around me and continues on a daily basis through nature, evolution and science to be a driving force for good in my surroundings. You could imagine it a little bit like "the force" from the "Star Wars' stories.
For my dating system to work, you have to accept that there is a power far greater than you controlling everything in the Universe and to which you can mentally connect with in some way. To an established God-believer, we call this "prayer".
Time for Simple Thinking and Wonder.
Really Seeing Love for the First Time
After 3 years of on-off, intense and lustful relationships I realised I was moving further away from the standard "norm" of relationship and sexuality that I dreamed of. Without noticing, I had moved more towards pleasure-based sexuality where the needs of the other person were of far less value to me than my own perceived needs, wants and desires. In truth, I had become a "taker", rather than the "giver" I wanted to be.
It came to me as if in a dream. I woke one morning with the strength to know I had to stop and change, else destroy everything I liked about my own personality. As I believe, God speaks to me through my conscience, then I believe this was God pulling me up-short and telling me to change my ways.
I stopped dating. I deleted all my online profiles. I stopped messaging all my online "friends". I withdrew entirely from everything I associated with the dating scene.
With far more time on my hands and quite a bit more money in my pocket (many dating sites charge men to be on them) I started reading books about beauty, spirituality, Church, God. I read poetry. I walked around gardens and parks (not in the hope of chatting up any women sitting on the park benches). I observed my surroundings with a fresh outlook on life. I took the picture above on one of these days, seeing the joyful beauty in the small, brightly coloured flower in a meadow. I became at peace with myself. I became happy to be alive.
I ate more. I did my own cooking. I even put on a bit of weight.
Eventually, I had to go out and buy new clothes and in doing so, for the first time in my life, I bought what was currently fashionable. I took care in my appearance, for my enjoyment not for somebody else. I got good hair-cuts and bought nice after-shave.
Slowly, I became a new man. Without noticing I started to walk tall with a new air of confidence. I started to enjoy being around other people, rather than thinking what I could get from them. I made new friends, several of whom were women (some single, some married). I went back to church and became part of a community again. I went to services, listened and thought about scripture. When I was out walking, I used to have an imaginary conversation with God walking along beside me.
In seeing the beauty around me, I also started to be aware of love all around too. It was lovely to watch an elderly couple walk along the street hand in hand and kiss on the street corner. To see toddlers holding on to the hand of their mother. To see children playing with pets and toys.
The world became a wonderful place, full of smiles and laughter, where I was honoured to share its space.
The World is Full of Smiles and Laughter
One day I bumped into my Wife
Without looking for her and with no intention of actively dating a woman, I literally bumped into the most amazing woman I have ever met. She was so amazing, that within the year we were married and are still living a very happy life filled with daily laughter.
Though not even discussed when we met, it turned out she had a really strong relationship with her God too. We went to different churches with different traditions but in time we sorted that out and now go to church together each week.
From her background, she had decided she would never meet another man of any worth. In fact, she had written down a list of all the qualities her "impossible" man had to have before she would ever consider him seriously. Her impossible man "had to be":
- a medical person, a scientist
- a priest
- an artist
- care for disabled and disadvantaged people
- not take himself too seriously
- full of laughter
- a confident speaker
- a kind man
- a real gentleman
- a sexy beast
I can't really comment about the last point on her list, but all the other points apply to me.
Miracles do happen!
Love Conquers All
Let's keep my dating plan simple:
- Stop trying to date
- Get to know your God
- Learn to love yourself
- Enjoy your own company & space
- Witness nature & the Love all around you
- Get ready...she/he's just around the corner!
© 2017 John Lyons
John Lyons (author) from UK & USA on April 12, 2017:
Hi DashingScorpio, I "think" I understand what you're saying here and sort-of agree but sort-of not, too. I think an important aspect of my steps-process was "with the power and assistance of God" to be able to step back totally from the addictive nature of the dating scene. I appreciate your compatibility comments and that God is not Santa Claus but I wasn't trying to suggest that here. Thanks for your comments!
Dora Weithers from The Caribbean on April 11, 2017:
I absolutely love your story, and agree with your dating plan. Thanks for sharing and may God favor your marriage with continual joy and blessings.
dashingscorpio from Chicago on April 09, 2017:
Whether one believes in God or not ultimately the goal is to find someone who shares your same values, wants the same things for the relationship that you do, naturally agrees with you on how to obtain those things, and last but not least have a mutual depth of love and desire for one another.
Compatibility trumps compromise.
Like attracts like and opposites attract divorce attorneys!
Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse.
Everyone is responsible for having their own "mate selection" process.
Until one gets to a place where they not only know what they want and need in a mate but also have the self-discipline to stick to their "must have" list they're likely to continue to fail.
Such people allow "impulsive connections" and "happenstance" to dictate their relationship decisions. In fact many of us are brought up to believe that "true love" is about luck, fate, and destiny. This is one of the reason why many resist trying online dating. It's too "proactive" of a method and destroys their "romantic" beliefs about how love is suppose to develop.
They want the fairytale: "I turned the corner and we bumped into each other. Afterwards he/she offered to buy me a cup of coffee and the rest is history...."
Is it any wonder why so many people look at love as something that "magically happens" (to them). They want all of their blessings to (fall into their laps).
"Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone"
It reminds me of an old blonde joke.
This blonde prays every day that she wins the lottery.
Finally after a couple of years God tells her:
"You have to first buy a lottery ticket!"
Too many people view God as the adult version of Santa Claus.
If you want something different (you) have do something different! (Faith without works is dead).