5 Important Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend Before You Get Too Serious

Updated on February 16, 2017
thehands profile image

Jorge's relationship advice is based on experience and observation. He's seen many people—including himself—get seduced and hurt by love.

Opening Him Up

Are you in a relationship and you're not sure where it's headed? While obviously not every relationship needs to end in marriage or some long-term partnership, if your goal in life is to one day have a family and kids, then you should probably keep that in the back of your mind when you're dating.

One of the worst things you can do if you're trying to get into a long-term relationship is to invest all of your time and energy in the wrong guy. To avoid disappointments, though, you can ask him a few basic questions. These questions will give you a lot of information about him, which can give you a few clues about the eventual fate of your relationship.

The First Thing to Think About

Before anything else, consider this: If your boyfriend won't open up at all and responds poorly to deeper questions, then he may not be interested in having a serious relationship. That's totally fine if that's also what you want, but if you're looking for something else, take that as a big red flag.

If your boyfriend is interested in deepening your relationship, on the other hand, he probably won't have a problem discussing any of these questions:

Question #1: "Are You a Different Person Than You Were 5 Years Ago?"

Some people change more rapidly than others. Some of us go through massive transformations every few years, while others stay pretty much the same decade after decade. It really comes down to what you want out of life.

His answer to this question will mean something different to you depending on what you're looking for. Are you someone who thrives on rapid change, and gets bored of living in the same city and leading the same life for many years at a time? Or are you the kind of person who likes stability and wants to put your roots down somewhere?

Of course, just because they've had an eventful past 5 years doesn't mean that they are still on a path of change. However, you can often tell if a guy loves change and gets bored easily based on how he answers the question.

When you're cooking together, things are getting serious.
When you're cooking together, things are getting serious.

Question #2: "How Many Serious Relationships Have You Been In?"

Everyone has a different history, but if he seems to have had way too many "serious" relationships in, say, the past five years, then your definition of "serious" may be different from his. It could also mean that he jumps from relationship to relationship too fast because he is afraid of being single.

You want someone who isn't needy and values being alone, while still understanding the benefits of a relationship. It's better to have someone who would love to have you because he genuinely thinks you're special, than someone who needs you because he has to be with someone. There's a huge difference between those two mindsets.

On the other hand, if he's never been in a relationship at all, this might also be concerning. If he's young--like in his early twenties--this might not be as big of a deal. A lot of us focus on our careers early on and we might avoid long-term relationships while in school. However, if he's in his mid thirties or forties or more, then this is a red flag. Ask him more about it and try to find out why he's never been married or at least in a serious relationship at his age.

Question #3: "Do You Hate Your Ex?"

Ask him about his exes if you can manage to do so casually. Chances are, though, if he hates his ex, he will tell you all about it with minimal encouragement.

Sometimes people have legitimate reasons to hate their ex-lovers, but a lot of the time the hatred stems from feeling like a victim. Listen carefully to his story and try to figure out if the reason for his strong dislike of his ex is because he blames everything that led to the breakup on them. If he's willing to take no responsibility for the problems in their relationship, then this is a bad sign.

Further, if he has "crazy" exes, politely prod him a little more about how long he was with the person. We all have encounters with crazy lovers from time to time, but the big question is whether we tolerate that crazy behavior or kick them to the curb as soon as we find out.

If he had a "crazy ex" who tortured him for years--or, worse, every ex of his was like this--then he probably has deep self-esteem problems because he allowed such behavior for months or years. Maybe he's over these problems, and maybe he's not. It's up to you whether you want to deal with that.

Watch for signs of explosive dislike towards his exes.
Watch for signs of explosive dislike towards his exes.

Question #4: "What Are Your Religious / Political / Philosophical Beliefs?"

Lots of people ignore these at first, assuming that they aren't important or practical, especially if you live an average life where these things don't really cross your mind much.

However, the truth is that your philosophical or religious beliefs touch every part of your life, whether you realize it or not--and whether you actually chose your philosophy consciously or not. A lot of people go through life thinking that they have no strongly-held values except for those that are "common sense" that "everyone has." For example, you might think, "I don't kill baby seals or pour nuclear waste into rivers because that's obviously wrong. Everybody knows that."

The problem here is that, as strange as it may seem, not everyone shares your beliefs, even the ones that are the most universal and obvious to you.

Lots of people are shocked when they date someone and find that their worldview is entirely different, especially if they're dating someone of a different cultural background. Do not assume these things. Look deeply inside yourself and understand the things you value the most. Maybe you value a strong family, or you value a vegan lifestyle, or you value your religious upbringing. If your partner does not also value these things, it will lead to problems in the future.

Of course, be careful here: Just because your partner doesn't share your beliefs, doesn't mean you have to be a jerk about it. There's no need to judge. Just acknowledge that there's an incompatibility.

Question #5: "What Do You Think About Marriage and Kids?"

Whether or not you intend on getting married and makin' some babies, you should be on the same page. If you never, ever, EVER want to get married, then he should feel the same way. Don't string him along if he's obviously hanging onto the hope that you'll change your mind and tie the knot someday.

Similarly, if he hates children and thinks that they're the spawn of Satan himself, then don't wait around until he magically decides that he wants to change diapers all day. Don't let yourself get too serious if you have different views on this; it will just lead to drama. He might change, he might not--but you can't expect your influence to do much.

Children: A blessing to some, a tricycle-riding demon from the netherworld to others.
Children: A blessing to some, a tricycle-riding demon from the netherworld to others.

Approach Him the Right Way

Finally, before you ask these questions, let's make this clear: Don't be weird about it. Be casual, nonjudgmental, and try to work the questions into normal conversations.

If you just run up to him and assault him with a barrage of questions like these, then you might freak him about a little. This might be a good thing if you're trying to filter through men fast, but if he's still feeling you out as well (which is probable), it might be a bad idea.

For example, one way that you could approach the question about his exes is by relaying a funny story about one of yours. Next, ask him if he has any "crazy" exes. Then listen carefully for how he talks about them, and so on.

In other words, have some social awareness and don't make him feel bad for his responses. You're trying to determine his compatibility for a long-term relationship, not judge him for the way he is.

Compatible Philosophy

Have you ever gotten "serious" with someone, only to find out later that their beliefs about life were very different from yours?

See results

Questions & Answers

    © 2017 Jorge Vamos

    Comments

      0 of 8192 characters used
      Post Comment

      • dashingscorpio profile image

        dashingscorpio 

        21 months ago

        "While obviously not every relationship needs to end in marriage or some long-term partnership..." - Very true!

        And yet for some reason most of us approach all of our relationships that we enter into as "potentially being our last" leading to marriage. This goes back to Jr. high and high school teenage years.

        Very few if any 17 year old lovers view their relationships as being "temporary" and in fact are insulted when adults don't respect their relationship as being "serious".

        This also explains why the first broken heart is difficult for many people to get over. We honestly believed our "first love" would be our eternal love and we'd live happily ever after.

        Looking back it seems silly to have thought like that and this is especially true once one has teenagers of their own!

        This pattern of approaching (every relationship) like it could lead to marriage continues for many of us throughout our late teens and during our college years. Very few people openly tell others their boyfriend/girlfriend is just someone to pass the time with or a step above "friends with benefits". Nevertheless according to statistics in the U.S. the average person loses their virginity at age 17 and the average age of a first time bride is 27 and for grooms it's 29. Essentially they will have at least 10 years of sexual experience before getting married to whomever.

        If you know your focus is to get a degree, establish a career path, travel some, or do whatever before you get married it doesn't mean you have go through your 20s and early 30s without having a boyfriend/girlfriend but it should reduce the number of questions you have because at age 21 you're not thinking about marriage and family with him.

        These questions might apply for someone who indeed is looking to settle down and get married. Compatibility trumps compromise.

      • Coffeequeeen profile image

        Louise Powles 

        21 months ago from Norfolk, England

        You've made some interesting points here. Not sure I'd ask how many serious relationships they've been in though.

      working

      This website uses cookies

      As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, pairedlife.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

      For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://pairedlife.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

      Show Details
      Necessary
      HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
      LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
      Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
      AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
      HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
      HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
      Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
      CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
      Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
      Features
      Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
      Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
      Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
      Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
      Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
      VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
      PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
      Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
      MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
      Marketing
      Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
      Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
      Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
      Statistics
      Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
      ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
      Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)