I have many articles on relationships and dating on Hubpages that receive many views.
Is He Desperate?
Learn Some Danger Signs about Dating Men
Everyone wants to know when somebody else likes them. Women are no different. The irony of this situation is that women frequently miss the signs when a guy likes them too much. Rejection is one thing. Some guy stalking you is quite another. Honestly, most guys aren't stalkers. Attraction isn't going to cause stalking. Still, telling a guy to get lost can be very disheartening. It's kind of like kicking a starving puppy. Fortunately, by reading this article, you can become familiar with the signs. These signs will let you know when a guy likes you too much. That way, you can end it before things become uncomfortable.
Your First Date Lasts Too Long
We've all heard from somebody about the first date that took all afternoon. Sure, hiking, dinner and late night making out was the most wonderful experience in the history of the universe. Unfortunately, these experiences are few and far between. What we don't hear much about is the second date. That's the one where the woman realizes she's hanging out with a loser. I'm talking true first dates here. Like the first time you've ever met the guy. Do you really want to hang out all day with somebody you've never met? So what if they sound great on the phone or through email? Have some self-control, right?
Guys who know what they're doing don't let a first date last more than 90 minutes at most. Why? Because they don't want to hang out with somebody they don't know for longer than that. And what if it's going well? Well, maybe you extend it a little, but not more than 30 minutes.
Now, I know there are women reading this who think this is crazy talk. However, please think carefully about it. A guy who just let's a date go on and on is utterly lacking any self-control. He also reeks of desperation. He's thinking to himself that if he just lets the date go on, the woman will like him more. He's terribly wrong. In fact, most women like a guy less and less if he drags things out.
Trust me, ladies. Please! If your date lasts more than a few hours, you're going out with a guy who doesn't understand women. He's lacking in self-control. He's going to exhibit more questionable behaviors very, very soon.
He contacts you within an hour of your first date
Let's just take the first scenario very quickly. You've just gone out on a three hour date, which should raise a red flag, but you had a good time and you're not too worried. Then you're less than an hour out from the date and you receive a text: "I had a great time. Hope you did too. Let's do it again." Or worse, the guy actually calls you before you go to bed or something to chat. This screams desperation. It screams clingy. You should be seriously concerned now. Here's a guy that needs so much validation that he can't even wait twenty-four hours to call you. Can you say "needy"? Get ready to go out with a guy so clingy you'll barely be able to breathe.
As an aside, there's a lot of debate about how long a guy should wait to call a girl for a second date. Certainly an hour isn't enough time. Neither is twenty-four hours. Two to three days is a good rule of thumb. This shows that a guy isn't desperate or needy. It gives a girl the time to develop a little desire and to wonder whether he's going to call back at all, making that eventual call back very satisfying. Ditch a guy who calls you in an hour. Be concerned with one who calls you back the next day. He's not doing it to be courteous. He's doing it because he needs validation that you'll go out with him again. That spells trouble.
He shows up at your house unannounced
You know, it was a really great scene in "Say Anything" when John Cusack shows up outside Ione Skye's house holding the boom box over his head. If this is a picture of your life involving some guy you just met, you better run. Better yet, call the cops with a noise disturbance complaint. Guys who show up unannounced, no matter what the reason, are big trouble. I don't care if he's holding flowers or claiming his car broke down. Sure, you can lay down the law and tell him never to come by unless he calls first, but why bother? This is a guy without common sense or self-control. He's one step short of stalking you. Move on.
He calls you more than once for ever time you call him
There are probably some exceptions to this rule, but keep track. Despite how it might seem, contacting each other via phone really isn't that difficult. He calls you. You answer. You guys talk and make plans. Done. Where things get sticky is when he calls you and you don't answer and he leaves a message. This is the situation I'm talking about. If he calls you again before you get back to him, that's a sign of trouble. That's a guy with no patience and no confidence that you have not, in fact, been in some terrible accident. If he calls you twice before you get back to him, it should be pretty clear he's a loser. Three times? He's probably crazy. That's a guy who has got gremlins running around inside his head telling him what to do.
He buys you stuff without any reason
Unless he's rich and has nothing better to do with his time, you might as well enjoy it. And if you're a gold digger anyway, don't worry. Still, a guy who just starts buying you things out of the blue thinks that you're going to like him more because he buys you stuff or maybe because he knows how to shop for hand bags. Whatever the reason, he's trying to buy your affection because he has no confidence that his winning personality is enough. If you want that kind of relationship, go for it. If not, cut him loose.
He won't leave
This is something you should start noticing in all situations, be it when you're out on a date or hanging out at home or whatever. If you're always the one saying goodbye first; if you're always the one having to push him out the door, be wary. In general, people who linger are annoying. We hate them everywhere else. You know that guy who hangs around your desk at work, right? You always wish he would go away, right? Well, now you're going to date him? Kick him to the curb and tell him to get a life.
He tries inappropriate romantic stuff on the first few dates
You know how I know all this stuff? It isn't because I saw it in a book. It's because I was probably guilty of trying it all at some time, except for #9. I was never that dumb. And I probably had my hands in my pockets coincidentally. Anyway, I've blown it with this move. And I'm not talking about a kiss or something. A kiss is expected. Going in for a kiss is a sign of confidence. What is not attractive is when some guy assumes you're his girlfriend way, way, way before it's appropriate. He might be so stupid as to actually introduce you as his girlfriend. He might simply make it look that way.
Let's say you just met the guy and you're at an art gallery and suddenly he tries to hold your hand. Whoa! Who the hell does he think he is? I tell you who he thinks he is, he's a guy who wants everyone else to think you're a couple. A couple! Take a step back for a minute. This is a guy whose mind is so far down the road that he's completely lost sight of what's going on. You hold his hand for too long and he's going to tell you he loves you and wants you to have his children in a few hours. Get out of there.
He invites you to meet his parents on the first three dates
This is related to lots of other points, but unless this is an arranged marriage or something, a guy who wants the approval of his parents that early has got some kind of a problem.
He tells you he loves you before your third date
It may, in fact, be the case that a guy falls in love with you at first sight. Great! However, the guy with self-control knows not to say anything. The guy with self-control knows that only time will really tell whether or not that feeling holds up. The guy with self-confidence has dated enough to know that weird things can happen to derail a relationship. The guy with no self-confidence blurts out "I love you" because he thinks it'll make a difference. He doesn't realize that the difference it's likely to make is that it scares you stiff. That's a guy who's just dumb or needs a life coach or something.
One of his hands is always in his pocket
Gross. Isn't that what the Internet is for? Boy, up until now I was just talking about regular, average guys who are a little slow when it comes to women, but you seem to have bagged yourself a grade A sleezebag. Nice job. If he's playing pocket billiards while you're out in public, you probably don't even want to know what he does at home. Tell him you're going to the bathroom and then slip out the back.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
Questions & Answers
Question: Why does he constantly tell me how much he loves me and misses me but doesn’t take the chance of us staying together when we’re able to?
Answer: This question sounds like a basic one about commitment. You have a guy who is saying the right things but not doing the right things. Remember the old adage: "actions speak louder than words". Stop listening to what he's saying and evaluate this relationship strictly on his actions. Then you'll know what to do.
Question: I'm in love with this guy I met on Facebook. We have seen each other one on one. I really love him but am not seeing any sign that he loves me. What should I do?
Answer: You love a guy who doesn't love you back. This is an age-old problem. You need to move on. Really, everyone has this same problem. I've had this problem and my neighbor has had this problem. Everyone. Don't worry. The only way you'll truly know if this guy has feelings for you is if you absolutely stop communicating with him in every way. If he doesn't do anything, you know he has absolutely zero feelings for you.
Question: I'm falling for a married man that I work with and at times I feel he is too, what to do?
Answer: So you're falling for a married man and want to know what to do? Have you not seen all the movies? Read all the books? It's human nature to want what we cannot have and typically, people who fall for married people want what they can't have. The question is - are you married too? Please think beyond yourself. Imagine the lives you will ruin by pursuing this course of action. Plus, there is plenty of other fish in the sea. That said, if you're going to move forward with this - make sure he leaves his wife first. Don't be the cause.
Question: I met my guy online 3 years ago. Since then he has never contacted me till March, 2020. He is talking about marriage but hardly ever has time to talk or chat with me for long. Yesterday I sent him a message on WhatsApp, he has seen it but has not replied. What do I do?
Answer: You met a guy online three years ago who suddenly contacted you and is talking about marriage. That's not a relationship that requires an answer to any question. That's a scam. Move on.
Question: My guy lives in the United States. He says he would marry me. But we don't communicate enough. Is it real?
Answer: No, it's not real.
© 2011 crankalicious
Rosanna Perez on July 22, 2020:
To the woman into the married man...go for it.it is none of their business who you love and if this is true love go after him.you will regret it the rest of your life if you do not,and his wife may not even be the one he truly loves.as for being selfish,be selfish.think about your own happiness and stop worrying what others think and focus on if you two make eachother happy.you could try to be friends first and then slowly get to know eachother better,and when you feel you guys have the right moment ask him if he were a guy would he find you attractive and take it from there.unlike some people i am a friend.
Rosanna Perez on July 22, 2020:
Um my sister is in a successful marriage and is a therapist and she says you are a joke and would be laughed out of the profession.you sound like a player and the only partner you will attract is someone promiscuous who has a disease and is a sociopath.are you even asian,you sound like a stereotypical single white female in a sorority who likes to score with as many guys as possible.i bet you are not even a man because most guys who want a girl chase after her and lots of guys like aggressive women.you sound like your jealous and got dumped at the alter for your prettier sister.poor baby and taking it out on all the single people like you are everybodys best friend.you sound like a closet narcissist with grandiose schizophrenia, teaching people to be antisocial is not normal and shows signs of mental illness which you probably have.these people should be paid for the thousands of dollars of therapy they will need after listening to you.you are the reason therapists get a bad name,and word of advice it is none of your business who someone chooses to love.people can think for themselves,you should be ashamed of yourself telling people not to fight for love,what are you an anarchist.this sounds to me like a scam to control the population into thinking like gold digging tramps invented by the walmart corporation and the satanic people in sororities who think they can manipulate peoples emotions because they can.go cry to your mommy and daddy who probably bought this webpage ,i bet you are a gold digger too who slept their way to the top.
crankalicious (author) from Colorado on January 07, 2019:
You're right on. This guy is bad news and not because he's necessarily a bad guy - though somebody who waits in his car outside somebody's house could definitely be creepy - but because he's seriously needy. Guys who don't have self-confidence need to know what's going on with their potential girlfriends at all time. Giving gifts is also a red flag. Guys with adequate self-confidence don't bring gifts constantly. They just don't. Hopefully you can convince her to move on.
Elizabeth Gadus on January 07, 2019:
My daughter has been seeing this guy who not only brings her things constantly but will wait in his car till she gets home to see her, Calls and texts constantly etc. One thing I've noticed is that these guys are all or nothing people. You can't let them hang with you because they give good foot messages or they seem to be good listeners...everything you allow feeds them and signals them to go for more. Makes me nauseated really.
crankalicious (author) from Colorado on June 14, 2017:
Well, have you slept with him yet? If not, this is probably the reason for the neediness. Guys know that often to get girls to sleep with them they need to feel in love, so they throw that out there. As a rule, a guy with confidence and good self-esteem, will not need to be clingy, so you should be concerned about that. If you like this guy, just have a frank conversation with him and tell him to stop being so clingy and needy, that it's not attractive, and that if he keeps it up, you'll probably lose interest. If nothing else, it'll be a good life lesson for him. Trust me, you'll be doing him a favor regardless of whether you stay together or not.
Darlene Oliver on June 14, 2017:
I think I got a problem I don't want to leave him but my boyfriend of only one month I noticed he is to needy and smothers me a lot then I want at all clingy a lot of the time tells me in one day of spending with him I love you do you love me too much do I have a problem with my boyfriend should I be worried about it
meghanfromthe401 on November 02, 2014:
By far one of the most hilarious yet painfully true articles I have ever read. I am bursting out in laughter at work. Thank you so much for your honest and comical article.
PMARTIN on August 19, 2014:
Maybe the example guy in the article read articles where woman complained of not receiving enough attention. "He doesn't call enough-He doesn't buy romantic gifts--he doesn't share his private life(parents)--she post details on facebook as if they are a couple.
But I understand what the author is trying to point out.
crankalicious (author) from Colorado on April 24, 2014:
You are welcome to call the article one of the worst you've ever read, but then you are also blind to reality. These are the traits of a desperate man. Now, that doesn't mean that a desperate man can't be a good man, but nevertheless, they are still desperate. A man with natural confidence does not do these things and confidence is what's attractive to women in a man.
mmel8 on April 24, 2014:
This is one of the worst articles I have ever read. Truly.
I have been with my fiancé (soon to be married) for 4 years and he did all of the things mentioned in that article. We are still together and plan to get married. I quite honestly think that if a man doesn't show any signs of liking the woman he went out on a date with, then she might very well turn to someone else or accept another suitor. The woman might think he is not at all interested and I just don't think this type of ''game'' will suit everyone.
Datah on August 14, 2012:
Though I will qualify this a bit, I have to call this one of the worst articles I've ever read.
If your interest is only in meeting lots of guys, who are mostly playing "The Game," and you are looking for easy interactions and superficial relationships, then I guess maybe it's pretty good advice.
However, if you like someone and they like you too, showing interest is not a bad thing. Regardless, the solution in any such situation is simply to be straightforward. If someone is showing too much interest and it's making you uncomfortable, TELL THEM THAT. If you're looking for actual relationships that involve real emotional connections, pre-judging people based on broad categories of "liking you too much" is self-destructive.
If you don't feel it too (or you actually feel uncomfortable about something), and you'd prefer not to keep seeing them, that's one thing. So tell them. But if you're deciding someone is unsuitable based on the fact that they demonstrated some warning sign that you read about in an internet article, even though you've liked everything you've seen, I'm sorry, but that's just insane (and this seems to be what the article is attempting to incite).
On the other hand, this reply is probably fairly pointless too. Because no self-respecting, intelligent person is going to make decisions on the primary basis of any single piece of reading.
ksinll on April 29, 2012:
These are good comments to hear from a guy. I've had dates do this kind of stuff and it left me wondering if there was something wrong with me because it made me so uncomfortable.
comicalequation on April 28, 2012:
Amazing hub, so true!
crankalicious (author) from Colorado on November 30, 2011:
I appreciate your perspective Levertis, but I very much disagree. If you do not create desire and mystery, you will be lost.
Levertis Steele from Southern Clime on November 30, 2011:
Wait three days to call a girl after a first date! I can understand waiting a day.
24 hours later
"I enjoyed dancing with you last night, Helen. Would you like to go with me to the football game Sunday? OK. It's a date. I will see you Sunday. 2:00. OK."
That game could be five days away anyway. If he waits three days to call after a first date, she just might accept a date from another suitor and agree to go steadily. That might put an end to his three-day wait. That hard-to-get scheme does not work well with everyone, especially if there are several suitors that a girl likes. She might think that he is not interested and move on with someone else. The guy should at least say, "Do you mind if I call you in a few days?" At least she'll know that he is interested and wait if she is also interested.
Hattie from Europe on October 25, 2011:
hmm...nice hub, and very correct! lol only sometimes that are interested in you take 10 months to let you know! lol
Angel709 from midwest on October 22, 2011:
Thanks Crank---I've wanted to write a similar article, I just hope I can maintain humor to keep a sensitive subject light but effective. It's getting most pathetic out here. I'm an outgoing gal who doesn't mind saying hello to anyone with self respect, and coffee if I think you can handle yourself. Well...the younger guy I allowed into my space was breaking many of the above rules and added many of his own. Trying to appear as a couple, inappropriate disclosure that his therapist would've had a hard time hearing, asking was he "my type" (ouch), and if not my type, did he still "have a chance"..... AWKARD!!!! So, it's refreshing to know that you as a male author can pen some helpful advice to other guys. May I add: Ladies are not being too picky when they want a guy's pants to maintain a level above his posterior fault line! THANKS AGAIN!!
Vanessa McKay on October 22, 2011:
Great article. I will be sending a link to my single friends. Thanks
Cloverleaf from Calgary, AB, Canada on October 21, 2011:
Excellent hub! Many single women can learn great things from this information. I'm done with the dating game myself, but looking back I would agree that if the "L" word came up too soon I would be very cautious indeed.
crankalicious (author) from Colorado on October 21, 2011:
I appreciate the comments. I think a message of the variety "I had a good time" is fine. But it can be a red flag too because odds are the guy is looking for some validation. By itself, it's nothing, but can be a piece of a larger puzzle.
Sheila Varga Szabo from Southern California on October 21, 2011:
I think it's charming when a guy texts you right after a date that he had a good time. But, in all fairness, my track record with dating men has been dismal. Good article. I think it applies to women, too. Except for #10.