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How to Tell If Your Date Is Introverted or Just Not Interested

Updated on October 30, 2016
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Sadie Holloway is a workshop facilitator who teaches interpersonal communication skills to help people strengthen their relationships.

Can a romantic relationship work if one of you is an introvert? Learn more about what it means to be an introvert.

Introverts have a lot to offer in a relationship.

if your date prefers to spend time with you one on one, rather than in a big noisy group, that could be a sign that he is introverted, and interested in you!
if your date prefers to spend time with you one on one, rather than in a big noisy group, that could be a sign that he is introverted, and interested in you!

Would you describe yourself as an introvert?

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Here are some famous and highly successful people who are considered introverts:

  • Mahatma Gandhi
  • Audrey Hepburn
  • Eleanor Roosevelt
  • David Letterman
  • Warren Buffett
  • J.K. Rowling
  • Bill Gates
  • Rosa Parks
  • Albert Einstein
  • Abraham Lincoln

Introverted people can be creative (Rowling), glamorous (Hepburn), assertive (Parks), bright (Einstein), funny (Letterman) and extremely rich (Warren Buffett). Who wouldn't want to date an introvert?

Source: Huffington Post

If you’re asking, “Is he just shy and introverted or is he really not interested in me?” learning more about introverted and extroverted personality traits may give you some insight into where your new relationship is going.

The more you know about different personality types, the easier it will be for you to connect with others, make friends, and invite meaningful relationships into your life. Understanding what is going on for someone who is introverted will make you more empathetic and less worried about how you think they are reacting to you.

Could your new romantic partner simply have an introverted personality? According to The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World by Marti Olsen Laney, introverted people often:

  • Like to have long, uninterrupted blocks of time to tackle projects and solve problems
  • Like to think things through before speaking or answering questions
  • Tend to listen more than they talk
  • Are often judged by others as being shy, aloof or unsocial
  • Prefer sharing special occasions with one or two close friends, rather than throwing a large celebration
  • Often notice small details that others may not pay attention to
  • Tend to form lasting relationships.
  • Aren’t likely to interrupt others when they are speaking
  • Avoid situations and environments that overload the senses
  • Are highly creative and/or imaginative
  • Tend to hold back a bit, observing an activity for awhile first before joining in.

Do any of the above introverted personality traits describe the person you are dating right now? For example, it could be easy to misinterpret your date’s need to think things through before speaking as a sign that he isn’t interested in what you are saying. If you believe that not having fast-paced, chatty conversations with your date means that the two of you lack chemistry, you could be passing up a great opportunity to connect with someone who is simply more introspective.

Have your friends made negative comments about your date’s social skills and told you he seems aloof? While it’s sometimes helpful to get your friends’ perspectives on someone new in your life, they may mistake his introverted personality for disinterest. Also, if your boyfriend or girlfriend tends to choose low-key events and activities for date night, don’t assume that he or she doesn’t want to introduce you to his friends yet. You may only get to meet his friends over the period of a few small social gatherings rather than at one large party.

But maybe he isn't the one who is introverted. Perhaps you are the introverted one. If it turns out that you're the one who's shy, then perhaps the feeling that your date isn’t interested in you is a reflection of his response to your quiet personality. If you're worried that your introverted personality could push someone you like away, you could try being open and honest about the fact that you're introverted. You don't need to change who you are to suit someone else's needs. Instead, embrace and celebrate the fact that you are introverted!

if your date is an introvert, a noisy bar is not the best place to suggest for a get-together.
if your date is an introvert, a noisy bar is not the best place to suggest for a get-together.

Whether you are the introverted one, or he is the introverted one, being able to accept that you both have your own unique social and communication skills can improve your chances of connecting on a deeper level. If you are curious about whether it is possible for people with introverted and extroverted personalities to form long-lasting romantic relationships, read Marti Olsen Laney’s book The Introvert and Extrovert in Love: Making It Work When Opposites Attract.

Opposites attract, and I think temperament is so fundamental that you end up craving someone of the opposite temperament to complete you.

— Susan Cain
Even if you are extroverted and your date is introverted, that doesn't mean you aren't compatible. You can still have a long, strong relationship with your opposite, if you are willing to work at it.
Even if you are extroverted and your date is introverted, that doesn't mean you aren't compatible. You can still have a long, strong relationship with your opposite, if you are willing to work at it.

References:

Marti Olsen Laney, The Introvert & Extrovert in Love: Making It Work When Opposites Attract.

Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking

© 2013 Sadie Holloway

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