Jana believes that the spice of life can be found in the exploration of other cultures, good food, and wine.
How is a Tantric Date Different?
The main difference is to slow things down. Our modern world grooms society to rush, to consume things instantly. It's no small wonder that people cannot slow down, even for a reward. But in the long run, this is deadly for relationships. Couples drift apart because there's never any time to just lounge together. When this complaint arises, it's usually because partners don't prioritize themselves as a unit. Sure, let's not forget our responsibilities; work, children, bills. However, responsibilities suffer when people are worn and drained. A tantric date provide a safe and rejuvenating space for both married or dating couples.
Leave the Surprise for Another Day
Another thing that sets the tantric date apart is this — never spring it on your partner as a surprise. The whole magic of a tantric date involves both partners preparing and looking forward to the evening throughout the whole day. This building of anticipation is essential to what makes tantra so wonderful. There is nothing wrong with a surprise gift, dinner or something similar. But things can get hairy when the surprise-springing partner has more than just a hug in mind. Too often, what one partner feels is a romantic gesture is perceived by the other as nothing but pressure to have sex. What if you're really not in the mood? You come home and find the whole place full of rose petals. Whose going to clean it up? You're back's killing you because the boss asked you to carry the department's archive files to another basement – by hand. You're not feeling like a bedroom gymnastics. But you see all the petals and candles and know the significant other is going to take it the wrong way...and your mood tanks completely. This bad scenario is familiar to most people and can be completely avoided if both partners agree on a day and time. Planned intimacy is not a killer of romance. Instead, it can help make it more solid.
Book it Like an Appointment
Tips to Pick the Best Time
- Give yourself permission to be a priority. Family, friends, work and life's problems all demand their place in the life of a couple. Too often, we feel it's selfish to put ourselves first. It's silly if you think about it. Nobody's asking you to abandon everything. One hour a week to yourselves is not selfish at all.
- What time suits both of you? Friday evening? Perhaps Sunday afternoon when the week is at its laziest?
- If your lives are truly hectic, it's fine to book your night at the first open opportunity even if it's two weeks down your calender. Then, commit. Fight for that blocked hour like your relationship depends on it.
- Pick a time when no distractions are guaranteed.
The First Phase
Remember, true tantric preparations are designed to set the mood and build anticipation. This doesn't require fancy rituals, incense or the blood of a chicken. Advanced practitioners do follow rituals (minus the fowl) and if, after your first tantric date, you and your partner want to continue the tantric path, you'll learn the finer details of the art. But for now, reap the same benefits by starting the evening with simple things done in a mindful and loving way.
Create a Sanctuary
- Prepare the room. Do this together but don't argue about what goes where! Aim for cleanliness, comfort and ambiance, even if it's just a spring cleaning effort followed by a few candles.
- Take a bath or shower. Some couples prepare baths for each other, then bathe alone. Others bathe or shower together. If you choose the latter, use massage and cleansing on each other in an innocent and ritual manner – don't get carried away. The main aims is to stimulate the skin for that after-shower glow and to connect as a couple.
- Dress to kill. Tantrics understand that beautiful clothes adds a dimension of stimulation for both partners. It's therefore an important practice to dress up after bathing. Wear what makes you feel attractive and if possibly, keep special clothes that are worn only for tantric occasions.
- Use the other senses. Your sense of touch already had a field day during the shower. Your partner and surroundings look beautiful. Now spoil the other senses - wear your favourite scent, play soft music and share a tasty and light snack with a romantic flavour. Choose something that is not too heavy or so insubstantial that it invites drowsiness or hunger.
Honour Your Love
Once a couple is comfortable, it's time to get more serious. Begin in a way that brings honour to your lover. There are rituals for this but many just do what feels spontaneous and right to them. One way is to sit down on cushions or the bed and face each other. You can exchange small gifts, nothing expensive or competitive, just something that shows love and care. Heck, if your husband adores sour jelly beans, then give him a pack. This kind of gift shows you know and honour what he finds enjoyable. Though somebody may not immediately feel the validation, it does hit them on a subconscious level.
Gifts are not the only way to show adoration. Take a few minutes to find the reason why you honour the person sitting opposite you. Dig deep down in your heart – and seriously, this needn't turn into a perfect hour-long speech — but then tell him or her. Start with, “I honour you because...” Even if it is something as general as “you're a good parent and my best friend,” if you say it with authentic feeling, then it's perfect. Those trying it for the first time may find this uncomfortable. However, don't skip honouring your partner as this is perhaps the single strongest act that strengthens the relationship.
What is a Tantric Dedication?
Before moving on to the actual lovemaking, remain sitting together and share your dedication. In tantra, it's almost like a blessing or a wish the person hopes to manifest with the powerful energy that flows through sex. Both partners voice their own dedication and it can include hopes for each other's health, the relationship or the world. Again, for newcomers, this may seem weird or a little too magical. But even if you don't believe in this kind of manifestation, tantric dedication has another powerful purpose – it shows exactly who and what your partner is. When we look into that corner of the soul where a person holds his worries, wishes and cares, then we meet the real him or her. Give your partner the floor without interrupting. It's a tender, vulnerable moment for both but it knits a couple tighter, no belief in manifestation required!
© 2018 Jana Louise Smit