Jorge's relationship advice is based on experience and observation. He's seen many people—including himself—get seduced and hurt by love.
Picking a Guy Who Won’t Stray Isn’t Easy
We would all love to believe that our partners are loyal to us, but the truth is that cheating is actually very common—both in men and in women. Since humans are wired to be attracted to many different people, it’s only a matter of time until a person is tempted. The question is of course: Does your boyfriend have the self-control to not give in to the temptation?
Men have a reputation for being more promiscuous than women, and of course there is truth to that assumption because we have much more testosterone in our bodies than women do. Testosterone tends to make you view life in a more sexual way and it also makes the sex drive much, much stronger.
This is why self-control is so critical—but there’s more to it than that.
What Makes a Man Loyal or a Cheater: 3 Factors
A mature man who takes his commitment to a particular woman seriously will usually not cheat. I say “usually,” because there are three main factors that will greatly influence whether your man cheats or not:
- His ethics (or lack of them).
- His mastery over himself (or lack of it). (Self-control, self-discipline, maturity. It has many names.)
Notice that none of the things listed were “how much he loves you.” Many women erroneously believe that a man will not cheat on her if he simply loves her enough. This is not true. Maybe, in her mind, she would never cheat on her boyfriend because she loves him, but the reverse is not true much of the time. Often, men don’t cheat because they have fallen out of love with you, they cheat because they simply have the opportunity and have no ethical or moral problem with it.
It’s the same reason anybody would do anything else. Let’s say that you were a 14-year-old at a convenience store and you had no ethical problem stealing a candy bar. Let’s say the attendant was in the bathroom, so you had ample opportunity and you probably wouldn’t get caught. Would you steal? Probably yes. When it comes to being unfaithful, many people have this mentality. No amount of love for you will keep them from cheating because they simply assume that they won’t get caught, and they don’t feel particularly bad for what they did.
That is why personal closeness and affection in the relationship are a poor gauge of whether your partner will be faithful. Ultimately, cheating behavior is less about you and more about your boyfriend’s principles and whether they are strong enough to resist the very intense force of his sex drive. This is even more relevant in situations where he has a lot of opportunity to cheat with attractive women.
Going back to the short list of factors above, if a man has ethics that discourage cheating—for example, he is religious—he might be less likely to cheat. However, many people have morals that they don’t live up to, so simply believing that he shouldn’t cheat isn’t enough. He must also have the self-mastery to live up to his own beliefs. Finally, if the opportunity to cheat presents itself and it’s too easy or enticing, he may not have the self-control to resist the temptation.
Most men will not say “no” if the sexual opportunity is being served on a silver platter. It’s just that most men will never see that silver platter because they are not high-status enough to attract droves of women. In the case of a high-status guy with tons of opportunity, only his ethics and his self-control stand in the way of cheating.
If fidelity is a priority for you, it is much better to have a man who isn’t sure if he loves you yet, but who is highly mature, than to have a man who is passionate about you, but weak-willed. Love is not enough to keep him loyal. Always prioritize men with a strong ethical foundation if you’re looking for a drama-free life.
However, that still doesn’t mean he won’t cheat. Nothing will ever guarantee that your boyfriend will keep it in his pants 100% of the time—you can just increase your chances of success.
If you’re not sure where your boyfriend or love interest stands in all of this, you may have to look at some signs of how he acts in other areas of his life to determine how likely he might be to cheat in the future. Ask yourself a few important questions after taking a close look at his behavior:
How Does He Treat His Friends?
Watch his interactions with his closest friends. When he makes a promise to one of them, does he keep it? Or does he try to weasel his way out of it?
If his friend tells him a secret, does he keep it to himself, or does he go around gossiping about it?
If the opportunity presents itself and he knows that he won’t get caught, does he lie to his friends or steal from them to get what he wants?
If he decides that he no longer gets along with someone from his circle, does he start mistreating them or talking badly about them to others?
These are very important questions to ask yourself, because they can reveal how your boyfriend really views life. He might tell you that he believes one thing with his mouth, but his actions say otherwise.
How Does He Treat Strangers?
Even more telling than how he treats his friends is how he treats people he doesn’t even know. After all, you used to be a stranger to him at one point, and there’s nothing stopping you from becoming one again.
Does he have a concept of fairness and does he treat everyone with basic dignity, even if he gets nothing out of it? Or is he only loyal and kind to people he likes?
The reason that this is important is that one day he may decide that he doesn’t like you or that he doesn’t want to be with you anymore. If you rely on him to treat you well only because he loves you, then you can expect him to lie, cheat, and generally cause drama if he ever finds you bothersome.
After all, if he has this mindset and he doesn’t love you anymore, there’s no reason to treat you well. Because that feeling of “love” can fluctuate throughout a relationship, his level of understanding and kindness will be similarly wishy-washy with you. He’s also much more likely to cheat in response to a disagreement or just boredom in the relationship.
What Are His Friends Like?
What kind of crowd does he hang around with? Are they kind people who treat others fairly, or are they always looking for something to gain and extract from others?
Another thing to consider is whether or not you think his friends are trustworthy. If your boyfriend surrounds himself with opportunistic, lying, cheating idiots, and you think that he’s the one diamond in the rough that is just so different from them—he’s probably not. Your love may blind you to the fact that he’s just like they are. If his friends are cheating on their partners, he probably will, too.
If you actually like your boyfriend’s social circle, though, this is very good. In fact, you can further reduce your chances of being cheated on if you can be mutual friends with the people who know him, since they will be less likely to cover up his dishonesty and keep you in the dark.
Did He Cheat On His Girlfriends Before He Met You?
Another huge red flag—probably the hugest of all—is if he cheated on partners before you. Ask him about it in a casual, nonjudgmental way. Just bring it up during a conversation about youthful mistakes or messy breakups or something like that. If he seems nonchalant about his cheating and says that he only did it because he didn’t love his partner anymore, this is a huge sign that he will cheat if you get into a relationship with him. Yes, sometimes people fall out of love and breakups need to happen, but they do not have to include cheating, lies, and betrayal to elongate the process.
Is Cheating a “Big Deal” to Him or Not?
Straight up ask him (again, in a nonjudgmental way) what his views on cheating are. If he acts like it’s no big deal, or sees it as just a natural feature of relationships, then he is extremely likely to cheat. Worse, if he tells you, “Yeah, I cheat in relationships all the time,” then believe him. Many people will willingly admit this; take them literally.
On the other hand, if your boyfriend seems to take the subject seriously and basically says that cheating behavior is bellow his standards, this is a good sign.
The 100% Zero-Cheating Guarantee...
...that doesn’t exist. Honestly, unless you lock your boyfriend in a broom closet for the rest of his life, you can never guarantee that he won’t cheat. (Actually, he may even figure out how to cheat in the broom closet.) However, by vetting your boyfriend well before you even get into a serious relationship, you can greatly reduce your chances of ending up with a cheater.
How About You?
© 2017 Jorge Vamos
question on October 04, 2017:
I grew to fall in love or strong connection to a married man at work. and He is to me. He told me he had a relationship outside of marriage once before a long time ago. He said his wife never know about it. I asked if she asked him would he tell the truth? he said he would lie. Even though he feels like being honest with me.
I am a very religious person. I strongly believe in rules: don't kill, don't steal, don't cheat, don't lie, don't use drug and alcohol.
My belief is so strong that I never ever cheat on my boyfriend and or sleep with another woman's husband.
However, I still keep in touch and hang out with him once in a while as friends.
Do you think it's ok to do that?
dashingscorpio from Chicago on February 14, 2017:
"Honestly, unless you lock your boyfriend in a broom closet for the rest of his life, you can never guarantee that he won’t cheat." - Very true!
By the same token you don't want to spend the rest of your life always LOOKING or expecting to be cheated on either.
You can't be "in love" with someone you don't trust!
You should never give your heart to someone you don't trust!
Hopefully with age and experience we become better judges of character when it comes to choosing our mates. Invest the time getting to know someone before emotionally committing to them.
Until there has been serious discussion regarding being "exclusive" there is no reason to believe that you are. A relationship should (evolve) and not be forced. Rushing may lead to making promises one can't or won't keep.
dashingscorpio from Chicago on February 14, 2017:
What Makes a Man Loyal?
I believe there are three reasons why people don't cheat.
1. They are "in love"!
There's a difference between loving/caring about someone and actually being "in love" with someone. When a person is "in love" they're not going to "make time" to be with someone else over their mate.
2. They feel "lucky"!
Anyone who feels as though they hit the jackpot when it came to finding a mate isn't likely going to do anything to risk blowing it.
3. They know how hurt (they would be) if their mate cheated on them!
Odds are if someone is not "emotionally invested" in the relationship and especially if there have been no vows exchanged many people still consider themselves to be "legally single" or available for a better option.
Truth be told after we've gone through our "unrealistic expectation" teenage years of believing we found our "soul-mate" at age 15, 16, 17 or whenever many of us never get over that first heartache.
However looking back in hindsight it's clear we should have never held a fellow teenager responsible for heart emotional wellbeing in the first place!
I can't tell you how many high school sweethearts truly believed they'd go away to separate colleges and remain a couple for the next 4-6 years only to have one or both of them start to date people who are actually on their campus.
The reality is they were too immature to realize how unrealistic it was for them to believe they would spend the next 4 years simply going to classes, studying, and living for the rare times they'd get to be with one another.
It's also important to realize that all cheaters are liars!
Cheating essentially is all about secrecy and deception or lying. Not many guys who cheat would say they are fine with being cheated on themselves.
These days a lot of people are being accused of cheating even when there is no "exclusive relationship" status!
Imagine a woman posts a profile to an online dating site. On Friday she goes out on a date with one guy and on Saturday she has a date with another guy. Does that make her a player? No!
And yet if Mr. Friday bumped into her while she was out with Mr. Saturday he may think she's a "player". Lots of women would accuse a guy of being no good for doing the same thing.
The truth of the matter since they haven't any discussion about becoming a "couple" or better yet do not know each other well enough to even consider being a couple both people are (free) to continue dating others without feeling obligated to outline their weekend plans to one another.
Maybe a great question might be: "How do you define cheating?"
Some folks might consider flirting or the use of sexual innuendo as cheating, others might view sexting or sending nude photos to someone whether they have ever met or not as cheating, and still others only believe it's cheating if they actually have sex with someone outside of their relationship.
Everyone is entitled to have their own "deal breakers" and if flirting is considered cheating for one person they'd do well to find someone who is agreement with them.