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How to Pick a Boyfriend Who Won’t Cheat

Jorge's relationship advice is based on experience and observation. Let his trial and error be your success (hopefully).

It's just an optical illusion. Stop being so paranoid, gosh.

It's just an optical illusion. Stop being so paranoid, gosh.

Picking a Guy Who Won’t Stray Isn’t Easy

We would all love to believe that our partners are loyal to us, but the truth is that cheating is actually very common—both in men and in women. Since humans are wired to be attracted to many different people, it’s only a matter of time until a person is tempted. The question is of course: Does your boyfriend have the self-control to not give in to the temptation?

Men have a reputation for being more promiscuous than women, and of course, there is truth to that assumption because we have much more testosterone in our bodies than women do. Testosterone tends to make you view life in a more sexual way and it also makes the sex drive much, much stronger.

This is why self-control is so critical—but there’s more to it than that.

What Makes a Man Loyal or a Cheater: 3 Factors

A mature man who takes his commitment to a particular woman seriously will usually not cheat. I say “usually,” because there are three main factors that will greatly influence whether your man cheats or not:

  1. His ethics (or lack of them).
  2. His mastery over himself (or lack of it). (Self-control, self-discipline, maturity. It has many names.)
  3. Opportunity.

Notice that none of the things listed were “how much he loves you.” Many women erroneously believe that a man will not cheat on her if he simply loves her enough. This is not true. Maybe, in her mind, she would never cheat on her boyfriend because she loves him, but the reverse is not true much of the time. Often, men don’t cheat because they have fallen out of love with you, they cheat because they simply have the opportunity and have no ethical or moral problem with it.

It’s the same reason anybody would do anything else. Let’s say that you were a 14-year-old at a convenience store and you had no ethical problem stealing a candy bar. Let’s say the attendant was in the bathroom, so you had ample opportunity and you probably wouldn’t get caught. Would you steal? Probably yes. When it comes to being unfaithful, many people have this mentality. No amount of love for you will keep them from cheating because they simply assume that they won’t get caught, and they don’t feel particularly bad for what they did.

That is why personal closeness and affection in the relationship are a poor gauge of whether your partner will be faithful. Ultimately, cheating behavior is less about you and more about your boyfriend’s principles and whether they are strong enough to resist the very intense force of his sex drive. This is even more relevant in situations where he has a lot of opportunities to cheat with attractive women.

Going back to the shortlist of factors above, if a man has ethics that discourage cheating—for example, he is religious—he might be less likely to cheat. However, many people have morals that they don’t live up to, so simply believing that they shouldn’t cheat isn’t enough. He must also have the self-mastery to live up to his own beliefs. Finally, if the opportunity to cheat presents itself and it’s too easy or enticing, he may not have the self-control to resist the temptation.

Most men will not say “no” if the sexual opportunity is being served on a silver platter. It’s just that most men will never see that silver platter because they are not high-status enough to attract droves of women. In the case of a high-status guy with tons of opportunity, only his ethics and his self-control stand in the way of cheating.

If fidelity is a priority for you, it is much better to have a man who isn’t sure if he loves you yet, but who is highly mature, than to have a man who is passionate about you, but weak-willed. Love is not enough to keep him loyal. Always prioritize men with a strong ethical foundation if you’re looking for a drama-free life.

However, that still doesn’t mean he won’t cheat. Nothing will ever guarantee that your boyfriend will keep it in his pants 100% of the time—you can just increase your chances of success.

If you’re not sure where your boyfriend or love interest stands in all of this, you may have to look at some signs of how he acts in other areas of his life to determine how likely he might be to cheat in the future. Ask yourself a few important questions after taking a close look at his behavior:

He may love you, but he's still humans--and humans like variety.

He may love you, but he's still humans--and humans like variety.

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How Does He Treat His Friends?

Watch his interactions with his closest friends. When he makes a promise to one of them, does he keep it? Or does he try to weasel his way out of it?

If his friend tells him a secret, does he keep it to himself, or does he go around gossiping about it?

If the opportunity presents itself and he knows that he won’t get caught, does he lie to his friends or steal from them to get what he wants?

If he decides that he no longer gets along with someone from his circle, does he start mistreating them or talking badly about them to others?

These are very important questions to ask yourself, because they can reveal how your boyfriend really views life. He might tell you that he believes one thing with his mouth, but his actions say otherwise.

How Does He Treat Strangers?

Even more telling than how he treats his friends is how he treats people he doesn’t even know. After all, you used to be a stranger to him at one point, and there’s nothing stopping you from becoming one again.

Does he have a concept of fairness and does he treat everyone with basic dignity, even if he gets nothing out of it? Or is he only loyal and kind to people he likes?

The reason that this is important is that one day he may decide that he doesn’t like you or that he doesn’t want to be with you anymore. If you rely on him to treat you well only because he loves you, then you can expect him to lie, cheat, and generally cause drama if he ever finds you bothersome.

After all, if he has this mindset and he doesn’t love you anymore, there’s no reason to treat you well. Because that feeling of “love” can fluctuate throughout a relationship, his level of understanding and kindness will be similarly wishy-washy with you. He’s also much more likely to cheat in response to a disagreement or just boredom in the relationship.

Watch how he treats people for clues.

Watch how he treats people for clues.

What Are His Friends Like?

What kind of crowd does he hang around with? Are they kind people who treat others fairly, or are they always looking for something to gain and extract from others?

Another thing to consider is whether or not you think his friends are trustworthy. If your boyfriend surrounds himself with opportunistic, lying, cheating idiots, and you think that he’s the one diamond in the rough that is just so different from them—he’s probably not. Your love may blind you to the fact that he’s just like they are. If his friends are cheating on their partners, he probably will, too.

If you actually like your boyfriend’s social circle, though, this is very good. In fact, you can further reduce your chances of being cheated on if you can be mutual friends with the people who know him, since they will be less likely to cover up his dishonesty and keep you in the dark.

Did He Cheat On His Girlfriends Before He Met You?

Another huge red flag—probably the hugest of all—is if he cheated on partners before you. Ask him about it in a casual, nonjudgmental way. Just bring it up during a conversation about youthful mistakes or messy breakups or something like that. If he seems nonchalant about his cheating and says that he only did it because he didn’t love his partner anymore, this is a huge sign that he will cheat if you get into a relationship with him. Yes, sometimes people fall out of love and breakups need to happen, but they do not have to include cheating, lies, and betrayal to elongate the process.

A guy with a history of cheating is obviously more likely to cheat again.

A guy with a history of cheating is obviously more likely to cheat again.

Is Cheating a “Big Deal” to Him or Not?

Straight up ask him (again, in a nonjudgmental way) what his views on cheating are. If he acts like it’s no big deal, or sees it as just a natural feature of relationships, then he is extremely likely to cheat. Worse, if he tells you, “Yeah, I cheat in relationships all the time,” then believe him. Many people will willingly admit this; take them literally.

On the other hand, if your boyfriend seems to take the subject seriously and basically says that cheating behavior is bellow his standards, this is a good sign.

The 100% Zero-Cheating Guarantee...

...that doesn’t exist. Honestly, unless you lock your boyfriend in a broom closet for the rest of his life, you can never guarantee that he won’t cheat. (Actually, he may even figure out how to cheat in the broom closet.) However, by vetting your boyfriend well before you even get into a serious relationship, you can greatly reduce your chances of ending up with a cheater.

How About You?

This content reflects the personal opinions of the author. It is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and should not be substituted for impartial fact or advice in legal, political, or personal matters.

© 2017 Jorge Vamos

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