Jorge's relationship advice is based on experience and observation. Let his trial and error be your success (hopefully).
Finding a Good Boyfriend: A Matter of Setting the Stage
By now you've probably noticed that looking for a good partner doesn't really work. Search all you want, the more you claw through masses of potential suitors, the more you find poor match after poor match.
In theory, actively looking for a partner sounds like a better plan than passively waiting.
While, yes, action is better than inaction, the quality of your action still matters a lot, too. There is a middle ground between forcibly looking for a relationship and just idly waiting until one falls in your lap.
Just haphazardly looking rarely works.
If you'll notice, most of the people in happy relationships around you found a partner without exerting much apparent effort. Sure, they put effort into the relationship once it was established, but the search seemed easy. They just "randomly" met the person through a mutual friend, a dating app, or wherever.
Why is this?
Well, people find a lot more success when they simply set the stage for a good relationship to happen and then let people come to them. It was the way they approached dating that made the difference. Much of the time, they didn't even try to date at all.
Think about it: People are coming and going all the time in your life. There is tons of potential to find a good man because men are everywhere. If you're not finding the right match, the problem is not that you aren't looking hard enough--it's that you're not living the kind of life that attracts the right person for you.
Hey, I'm not here to judge you or tell you how to live your life. There's nothing wrong with being single.
But if you don't want to be single anymore and you want to start inviting great men into your life, scan your eyeballs over these tips on how to take a different approach to dating:
1) First, Stop Trying to Avoid Bad Boyfriends
You might think you're focusing on the positive qualities that you want in a man, but chances are that you aren't. Most people aren't.
Often, people think they're looking for a "good boyfriend," when in fact they are simply trying to avoid crappy ones.
There's a difference between these mindsets.
When you're looking to avoid a bad relationship, your mental energy will be placed towards disqualifying guys that you're dating. You will be silently judging them, trying to pick out little "signs" that they're unworthy. You will be quick to shoo a guy away if he doesn't tick the right boxes.
I knew someone who had this dating style. She was a little older and had been scorned many times before. Because of that, her dating life consisted of watching the men she dated with paranoia, waiting for them to show signs of being "disrespectful," "unappreciative," "arrogant," and many other amorphous adjectives.
She was looking for a reason to reject them without even realizing it. She probably did this because in the back of her mind she knew that it was easier to just reject a guy than to take an emotional risk and try dating him even if he wasn't totally perfect.
You can probably see why this is an unrealistic approach to dating.
Instead of trying to avoid a bad match, train your focus on the traits that you do want. Maybe the first guy you meet isn't what you're looking for, but he probably has some qualities that you can appreciate. Enjoy what he has to offer, and then move on.
Learn to find and appreciate the things that you like about other people, and you might notice suddenly that there were a lot of potentially great boyfriends in your life already.
Does this mean that you should tolerate genuinely bad behavior from a guy? Should you be fine with it if he genuinely disrespects you by insulting you, constantly breaking promises, or physically harming you? Of course not.
Just try to catch when you're overly focused on what you don't want and when you're rejecting guys prematurely because of it.
2) It's Best Not to Assume That You Know What You Want
This sounds ridiculous, right? Who would know what you want better than you!
Well, yes, it's true that you are the final expert on what you want out of life. No one can know that better than you.
It's just that even you probably don't know it. Few people do without sufficient experience, and even then our desires can always randomly change.
Lots of people have mental lists about what they want in a partner. All of that is theory, though, and as you acquire more experience dating, you'll find that much of it is worthless.
This is why a lot of people are disillusioned when they first start dating (or throughout the entire course of their lives, if they're stubborn enough). It's nothing like what they wanted or expected.
The solution to this is to let reality smack you in the face.
Don't just sit around thinking about what you want in a man. Don't just theorize about what makes a "good man" for you. You need to get out there and experience different people to understand relationships better.
So don't assume that you know what you want until you've tested it.
3) Other People Don't Know What You Want, Either
If we ourselves don't always know what we want, other people definitely aren't going to know.
Very, very, VERY few people that you meet will give you objective, unbiased love advice that is actually usable. These folks are nearly as rare as unicorns.
Now, most people aren't trying to be biased when they give advice. They have good intentions, but usually their advice comes from their own agendas. In other words, what they tell you might actually have nothing to do with you or your situation!
Maybe Jessica was burned one too many times by men who were aloof, so now she advises you to stop dating a guy because he missed a few of your phone calls. ("He must be playing games with you.")
Maybe Miranda had a long-term boyfriend who was too clingy and suffocating, so now she encourages you to ignore a guy who has expressed "too much" interest in you because he's "creepy."
Or maybe your mom is pressuring you to marry that doctor or lawyer or garbage collector who makes a great living, but who you're totally not attracted to.
Each of these people have agendas. As well-intentioned as they might be, really what they're doing is trying to find a boyfriend for you that they like, not one that will actually suit your needs.
Instead, use your social circle to find guys who are already socially "vetted." For example, if your friend is a decent person with honorable character, chances are that she hangs out with men who are like this, too. Maybe you can find a good boyfriend among them.
4) Avoid Focusing on What You "Deserve"
Like a lot of women, maybe you have a long mental list of traits that you'll accept in a boyfriend.
Does this bring you closer to finding the right one, though?
Don't get me wrong, it's important to have standards. Just make sure that those standards make sense.
There are many people in this world who scoff at others for dumb, superficial reasons. Many people dismiss potentially good matches simply because they believe that they "deserve" better. Do you harbor this attitude deep inside?
Be honest: Have you ever been a little offended because an unattractive guy approached you? Why did he think that you would date him, right? Does he really think that he's in your league? How can he low-key insult you like that? Can't he see that you deserve better?
By all means, don't date a guy who you don't find attractive. However, confusing what you want in a relationship with what you "deserve" from life is nothing but entitlement.
Besides the obvious things like having a man who respects you and is a decent human being, you don't "deserve" a certain kind of boyfriend.
With an attitude of deep entitlement, you will either attract no one or a crappy relationship that is based on superficiality.
Do you find yourself saying (or thinking) things like:
"This queen deserves a king."
"I need someone who can handle this [meaning you]."
"I need a man who can appreciate me for the strong, beautiful, amazing, heart-stopping, superior, better-than-anyone-else woman that I am."
These kinds of statements are actually pretty common. Lots of memes on social media parade this sort of mindset around.
Sometimes, a good man might tolerate these narcissistic shenanigans if you don't actually live your life this way. After all, most Marilyn Monroe memes with supposed quotes aren't that well thought-out.
However, if you actually think this way and live your life with a deep-seated sense of entitlement, good luck. Guys who actually have a strong sense of self-preservation and would make a good boyfriend will flee from you.
5) Establish Boundaries and Enforce Them Relentlessly
That being said, you should of course have standards. You need to have boundaries for what kind of behavior you accept from a guy. This is because a person's behavior is a reflection of his character.
So if you tell a guy that you don't like people visiting your house without calling first, and he shows unannounced whenever he wants, that's crossing a boundary. If you tell a guy that you don't want to have sex outside of marriage, but he relentlessly pressures you to anyway, then that's another boundary crossed.
Don't take this kind of thing lightly. If he tests your personal space and boundaries early on in the relationship, he will outright disrespect them later. You want a guy who will take your principles and your personal limits seriously, even if he doesn't share them.
6) Open Yourself Up
Just as some people are raised to dismiss the needs of others and live an ego-centric life, some people are raised to dismiss their own emotional needs and never show them.
What do you want? What do you really need? Do you have the courage to let others know about it?
Sometimes people are afraid to open up and express their real emotions. Even more, they're afraid to ask for what they need, since their potential partners can just say "no." Sometimes people will even judge us for our vulnerabilities, which makes us want to hide them even more.
Opening yourself up is how you build a good, soulful relationship, though. A good boyfriend will be willing to take you as you are and help you fulfill your needs. He will also be willing to be as vulnerable as you are.
When you put all your cards on the table, there are no more games. If you want a healthy relationship, take the initiative and be totally open with the guys you are dating. You will attract much better men this way.
7) Notice the Other Person's Needs
What makes a "good man," anyway? Do you know?
Well, it's nothing. Nothing makes a "good man" or a "good boyfriend" because there is no such thing as a "good man."
Whether someone is "good" is totally relative. After all, isn't it such a coincidence that for most women, their definition of a "good boyfriend" and a "loser" falls so closely in line with what they personally need from a man?
Funny, isn't it? It's almost as if...the idea of someone being good or bad can only ever be totally biased.
At most, you can only know what makes a man ideal for serving your personal agenda.
Okay, so people are biased. So what, though?
Well, the problem here is that if you take for granted that "good" = "someone who will serve your personal needs," then you're missing a big part of the equation. A relationship is a two-way street.
It's not always going to be about you and what you need. (Though of course you should have your needs met.)
Don't forget that other people have feelings, desires, and needs as well, and those needs aren't always going to be centered around you.
If you meet someone who seems totally willing to give you everything you want without asking for anything in return, chances are this person is dysfunctional. They probably have boundary issues. They probably have trouble saying "no." Maybe they even derive their entire sense of self around pleasing others.
This kind of one-sided behavior is the at the root of co-dependent relationships.
Pay attention to the needs of others early on (as well as your own), and you'll weed out these kinds of low-quality partners. If you make everything all about you, on the other hand, then healthy people who could have been great partners will run in the other direction.
8) Be Exactly Who You Are
When we're diving into a romantic relationship, we naturally want to put our best foot forward. We want to make ourselves look good to the person we're dating.
How far can we go before it becomes dishonest, though?
Well, this is kind of a gray area, but basically the line is just about at the point where you're fundamentally lying about who you are.
It's not like you're avoiding picking your boogers in front of him out of politeness--you're acting like you have no boogers to begin with.
Are you hiding your important opinions and world view from the guys you date because you know that they would disagree? Are you hiding important aspects of how you were raised that could affect your future relationships? Do you act like a totally different person when you're around guys you're interested in?
Naturally, only low-quality partners will tolerate this behavior for long. People who are worth dating want to see the real you. A good boyfriend doesn't want to be pleased so much as he wants to have a genuine connection (physical, emotional, and otherwise) with you.
All that dishonesty does is get in the way of that genuine connection that all people crave.
Yes, it can be hard, especially when you're afraid of rejection. However, the only way you can truly find a good boyfriend who will love you for you is by showing exactly who you are.
The Reason the Right Guy Isn't Showing Up For You
© 2017 Jorge Vamos
AmberGardner on November 18, 2017:
I set boundaries and stick to them, but it still confounds me how some men can just show up and start disrespecting me. Do you meet men and start disrespecting their boundaries? Doubtful. What about me made you step up and say, "I'm going to hate her."? It would have to be my looks because you don't know me.
dashingscorpio from Chicago on August 31, 2017:
The only other thing I might remind women is to stop worry about what (you) attract. It's out of your hands. Jennifer Lopez, Gigi Hadid, and Halle Berry have no way of stopping all sorts of guys from being attracted to them.
What gets you into trouble is who (you) are attracted to!
I once worked with a woman who finally had to admit she was attracted to "bad boys", "jerks", and "Alpha males" who had "swagger". She expected them to be different with (her).
Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse.
If someone is having one bad dating experience after another it's probably time they reexamine their mate selection process and must haves list.
Nothing happens until you say "yes" to someone!
Being able to recognize when you've found what you're looking for is most important. Stop trying to find the negative.