How to Find a Boyfriend When You Are Gay: 5 Useful Tips for Getting With a Decent Guy

Updated on June 13, 2019
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Jorge is a bisexual guy who has mentored other LGBT people over the years. He likes to share his experience with others.

One of the privileges of being gay is that hooking up is pretty easy. Sometimes the hard part can be finding someone who wants to cultivate some depth.
One of the privileges of being gay is that hooking up is pretty easy. Sometimes the hard part can be finding someone who wants to cultivate some depth.

The dating scene can already be tough if you're straight, but when you're gay, it introduces a whole new level of complication! Finding a boyfriend when you're gay can be a challenge since you can't readily just walk up to a guy and hit on him in public and know for sure that he will also be gay.

Furthermore, even if you do hook up with a guy (which is extremely easy to do compared to our straight counterparts, I must admit), it's a totally different ballgame when you're talking about a steady boyfriend who you can date for a decent period of time.

The problem is that a lot of us in the LGBT community look for relationships in the wrong places! So if you're looking to get together with someone for more than just a sweaty night of debauchery (maybe several sweaty nights?), check out these tips on how to find a boyfriend if you're gay.

Tips for Finding a Gay Boyfriend

  1. Stop looking for boyfriends at the club.
  2. Don't pretend to be something you're not.
  3. Consider looking for a boyfriend in a spiritual community, such as a church.
  4. Consider forgoing dating apps.
  5. Volunteer at your local LGBT community center.

1. Stop Looking for Boyfriends at the Club

Gay bars and nightclubs can be great places to find a hookup if you're into the one-night-stand type of thing, but they're not the greatest places to find a steady boyfriend. The mindset of someone at a club is...short-term, to say the least.

Yes, you might find someone there who is interested in something "real," but the ratio of those people to drunken revelers will be very low. You'll have to do a lot of filtering, and that's just inefficient if you can search in greener pastures, so to speak.

Having said that, I've known people who met their significant others at the club (with varying results). Gay clubs are one of the few places you can go where you know that a guy is unlikely to get testy if you hit on him (even if he is straight). However, there are other, more high-quality places to look, especially if you're not the kind of person who is interested in partying until 3 AM. Don't force yourself to look for dates at the club just because you think that's your only option.

Gay clubs may be fun—and you may even have some luck there—but they're not the best places to find the love of your life.
Gay clubs may be fun—and you may even have some luck there—but they're not the best places to find the love of your life.

2. Don't Pretend to Be Something You're Not

Another common issue that I see in this community is the tendency to shame a person for their relative femininity or masculinity.

I've seen femme gay guys trying to act more "butch" in order to attract guys who only want to date masculine men, and I've seen a lot of guys shaming more feminine gay men and implying that they are "acting" feminine (as if it doesn't come naturally).

On the flip side, I've also seen masculine guys being shamed lightly and assumed to be "faking it" (as if gay guys are inherently feminine or something, and coming off as straight or masculine is automatically phony).

Needless to say, this is all BS. There is nothing wrong with being masculine or feminine, whatever your orientation may be. Still, these shenanigans often tempt people into putting up a front in order to conform.

Resist the urge to conform! You have something to offer the world as your unique self, and no one can ever see that if you hide it. This doesn't just come down to acting "masc" when you're not, for instance, it even comes down to the little things. If you have weird tastes and hobbies, be upfront about it. If you have unpopular opinions, put it out in the open.

This is how you find someone who is truly compatible with you.

Don't compromise on who you are. If that means wearing toe nail polish with pride, then so be it. If that means being "masc," then may it also be.
Don't compromise on who you are. If that means wearing toe nail polish with pride, then so be it. If that means being "masc," then may it also be.

3. Consider Looking for a Boyfriend in a Spiritual Community, Such as a Church

What? Finding a boyfriend at church when you're gay? What nonsense is this?

Believe it or not, there are plenty of gay-friendly churches or even just plain gay churches. Your local Unitarian Universalist church is a good bet, and they cover basically every and any religion.

You might also visit a meditation center or something similar. The point here is that you'll be searching through a pool of people who are a bit more in tune with their higher selves. You'll usually have access to guys with a stronger sense of purpose and responsibility than you'll find at a bar, for instance.

You don't have to go here...but it's not a bad idea.
You don't have to go here...but it's not a bad idea.

4. Consider Forgoing Dating Apps

These days, dating apps are common, so you might be able to find a boyfriend on one.

However, straight or gay, dating apps trend towards the superficial. You might find a diamond in the rough, but most guys on there are going to be mostly interested in what you're packing and whether you have hard abs--and the rest of you will merely be a nice bonus.

Whether your abs can cut glass or not, if you're looking for something long-term, you may want to skip the superficialities and look for a boyfriend in person only, perhaps through your in-person social network.

5. Volunteer at Your Local LGBT Community Center

Looking for a boyfriend who is caring, compassionate, responsible, and willing to do what he can for the community?

Be that person yourself! Volunteer at your local LGBT center, or offer to help during a Pride event, and you'll meet all kinds of interesting people. Maybe one of them might even catch your eye.

Volunteer to do LGBT community stuff and you're bound to meet at least a few interesting, responsible guys.
Volunteer to do LGBT community stuff and you're bound to meet at least a few interesting, responsible guys.

Finding a Good Boyfriend Doesn't Have to Be Hard

If you're gay and sick of playing games, then it might be time to start looking for a boyfriend in the right places. Contribute to your community or simply keep an eye out for local gay events that don't involve too much drunken revelry, and you'll be likely to find some decent prospects.

Your Boyfriend Experience

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The Places You Have Searched

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Questions & Answers

  • What do I do if I am a young kid at school looking to swap genders, and then be gay?

    Do you mean that you want to change your gender, and then be gay? For example, if you were assigned female at birth, you want to become male, and then date other men and be gay?

    Or do you mean that you want to swap the gender of who you're dating (for example, going from dating boys to girls), so that you're gay instead of straight?

    If it's the first case, you wouldn't be alone. Lots of trans people are gay, though obviously, they don't transition for this reason.

    If it's the second case, then again, lots of people try dating both genders at one point or another. Sometimes you have to try to see what you're comfortable with.

    If you're very young, though, I would say don't worry about that stuff too much. Focus on learning about life (you will be an adult sooner than you think) and building important friendships.


Submit a Comment
  • profile image

    Jacqueline Burns, The Echelon Scene 

    13 months ago

    So true! Stop looking at the club! Men are visual creatures, so meeting someone out people just tend to instantly clock to the most pretty shiny man in the room. I have been matchmaking gay men for 8 years and am here to tell you there is a LOT more that matters. You need a space where you can properly get to know someone and get a feel for their energy, character and values- perhaps try joining groups like if you love your dog- a dog walking group, you never know who you might meet.

  • profile image

    Gideon Chambers 

    14 months ago

    i want a boyfriend that is sweet and can be cute sometimes and one day even marry him ad be together for a lifetime.

  • profile image

    Milan Ray 

    15 months ago

    I want a boyfriend for lifetime and I want to marriage with him...........

  • profile image

    norman Vanderhide 

    15 months ago

    so I'm gay and I've been out for a while now. I want a boyfriend and there is this boy on campus who wants to do some hookup stuff. should I do this because it could become something more one day or should I not?

  • profile image

    Jayquan king 

    15 months ago

    I need a boyfriend

  • profile image


    16 months ago

    Do you want to go to my house

  • profile image

    masculine bi dude, 17 

    16 months ago

    yeah it is hard. it is hard to find a guy that will be kind AND dominant in the relationship. havent found one. hopefully i will.

  • profile image


    16 months ago

    it is impossible to find boyfriends as a gay guy. People only care about sex and short term intimacy.

  • profile image


    16 months ago

    was gay at age 8 with my first and fell out along the way .. good to know people are not being wasted.

  • profile image


    20 months ago

    In your Mom lmao

  • profile image


    20 months ago

    Nike where do you live

  • profile image


    21 months ago

    Am new and like bottoming


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