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How to Attract an Emotionally Distant Woman

How to approach an emotionally unavailable woman.

How to approach an emotionally unavailable woman.

5 Ways to Approach a Woman Who Is Emotionally Unavailable

At some point, you will likely meet a woman who seems emotionally distant. She's single, but she doesn't seem available. She might seem altogether unemotional or may simply seem to lack any warm emotions for you in particular. No matter what you do, you are left with the impression that you will never find a way into her heart.

When you run into a woman who seems emotionally unavailable, you have two choices:

  1. you can take her cue and ignore your impulse to try to win her over, or
  2. you can try to find a way to help her get to know you better, in the hopes that a relationship will bud from there.

If you're going with the latter option, then keep reading.

1. Be Aloof

Aloofness can be a hard characteristic to pull off, especially if you are emotionally attached to the outcome. Some will see it as being a jerk or acting apathetic, but that's not really what being aloof is about.

The idea is that this woman is probably very used to getting a lot of attention, so if you add yourself to the crowd of people swooning over her, then you're also automatically taking yourself off her radar. She wants someone who will intrigue her and do something different from the rest. She's already got plenty of flatterers and probably plenty of jerks in her life, so you'll need to be that one special person who is neither obsessed nor jerky. You need to be calm, cool, and aloof.

You can practice being aloof by not giving her any undue attention and by toning down the attention that is due to her. Don't blow her off or ignore her (that's just rude), but simply don't make her your first priority. When she comes into a room, don't stop doing what you're doing. When she's near you, resist the urge to turn towards and focus only on her. If she starts up a conversation, listen and respond, but don't try too hard to maintain the dialogue and keep it going. Just be more relaxed and detached in your expectations and don't try to control the outcome.

2. Spread the Charm Around

Flirting is a special kind of friendly behavior. When you flirt with someone, you give them your full attention, at least for a moment. You let them feel a little bit special because you are giving them that full attention.

The trick to flirting with an emotionally distant person is to make sure that you are flirting with everyone in the room, men and women alike. Your goal isn't to overdo it or to accidentally attract someone else (so do be careful and courteous)—your goal is to show that you can be charming (and are!) on a regular basis.

This tip works so well because many emotionally distant woman are the type who want to chase rather than be chased. So by flirting with others in the room, you give her the opportunity to chase you.

You don't have to be an extrovert to be charming. . . you just have to be interested. This list of getting-to-know-you questions might help.

3. Become Her Friend

What is a true friend? Someone that we can act naturally around. Someone we don't have to show off for. Someone that we can rely on and that we can open up to. A true friend is a person we trust.

If you thought the first two approaches were difficult, adding this one to the mix will be a lot harder, but being a true friend will win over an emotionally distant woman a lot sooner than any other method.

Her distance might be the way she protects herself. Many emotionally distant women have been hurt in their past relationships. She might be seeking a good companion, someone who can do more than just satisfy her carnal urges. Someone who can be a true friend.

If you can prove yourself to be friendship material, then you can get in the door. From there, it's up to you. You'll want to let her get to know you better slowly and naturally. Try inviting a bunch of your mutual friends to a party and include her. Or when you know she'll be there, show up with a small group of friends. Get creative about finding ways to hang out with her in a friendly way, but don't force it or cross over into the stalker realm.

Don't worry that friendship will keep you locked in the friend zone, because it certainly won't. Friendship is a necessary first step.

4. Be Open and Honest About Who You Really Are

I know this can be complicated when you are purposefully trying to be aloof and universally charming when you'd really rather be fawning over her and following her like a shadow. But you need to be calm and collected around her to give her the chance to get to know the real you.

As mentioned before, it's possible and even probable that she's been burned before, probably by someone she thought was a good person. Maybe she put her trust into someone who turned out to be untrustworthy. By showing her your true self (your hopes, dreams, flaws, fears, etc.) and being real with her, you will assuage her fears of being fooled again and find a way to get her to let down her guard.

If you don't know how to be yourself, these 7 tips for how to not care what people think and be yourself might help.

5. Don't Say "Yes"

It's a basic rule in business that also applies to dating. NEVER say yes to the first offer. If you can help it, try to avoid saying yes to even the second offer, but hint that another offer might get your attention.

This works particularly well with emotionally distant women, especially when they already know that they've got at least a little bit of your attention. If she is used to being the center of attention, she will be intrigued and it will make you seem more appealing. If you agree with everything she says and does, if you are putty in her hands, then you're too easy and she'll probably be done with you in an instant.

Doing a thing called "intermittent reinforcement" where you learn how to resist the urge to crank the heat and keep it full blast might work for you.

This content reflects the personal opinions of the author. It is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and should not be substituted for impartial fact or advice in legal, political, or personal matters.

© 2011 PermissionGiver