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How to Recognize a Worthwhile Man

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Yves mission is to help women attract positive relationships by establishing personal parameters and greater self-worth.

Consider the following thoughts of a woman who has just spent the night with a guy she really likes:

"I've never felt such a strong connection with anyone. We talked about everything. He was so into me... but yesterday, my call went directly to his voice mail–again. I know how busy he is. Maybe I'll text him. What should I text? He had mentioned something about an out-of-town family thing, but I thought that was last weekend. It has been over two weeks since I've seen him. Maybe I was wrong to have slept with him...it's just that everything felt so right. Why doesn't he call? Then again, he's got this crazy schedule..."

If the above scenario has become all too typical for you, it is time to make some changes in your life. The "desperate to have him and therefore make excuses for him" routine will come back to bite you every single time. Now is the time to stop allowing your feelings to override your common sense. Understand one thing right now: It is useless for any woman to chase after a man who cannot even be bothered to expend the small amount of energy it takes to make a single phone call. If he has not called, he does not want to call.

Let's face facts. A brief phone call less than five minutes to complete: "Hi beautiful.... just wanted to take a moment to say I've been thinking about you." That is all he has to say if he really really is swamped with work or "pressing matters." If a man cannot find three minutes out of his busy schedule for you, then you do not need to expend any more time thinking about him. Why should you? He enjoyed your body for a brief time. End of short story as far as he is concerned.

Is he calling you or someone else?

Is he calling you or someone else?

Why He Never Called

Why hasn't he called? First, you need to realize why this man you just met chose to spend time with you in the first place. Here are the facts: Nine times out of ten, he spent the evening with you because: he was game for some physical pleasure and you were eager and available.

He made the decision to enjoy you for the short term and now he is on to new adventures. Perhaps he didn't mean to hurt you. It is even remotely possible that he assumed you were fine with a short term fling, but chances are, he knew better.... which is why he's avoiding your texts and phone calls now.

Secondly, the only reason he bothered to ask for your phone number is because, (honestly) it was the easy way out. Let's face it, what man is going to say, "Well, nice having sex with you. Have a nice life." He prefers to avoid any drama. He realizes that his asking for your phone number "sort of" implies that he might call you. However, his having your number leaves him under no obligation to call, or so goes his thinking.

Now, if you offer yourself up to "busy schedule guy" again, he’ll likely not pass up the opportunity for more sexual pleasure, that is, if he has nothing more promising, or what he deems promising, on the horizon. But make no mistake, men think differently about sex than women. Sex and true affection, i.e., caring and love, do not necessarily go hand in hand in a man's mind. The reality is that your busy lover recognized you as an "easy kill." He knew from the beginning that you would allow him to be a "lazy hunter." (More about lazy hunters later on.) Thus, he permitted himself to be a non-committal lover.

Just know that when a man is interested in a woman, he is more than willing to make time in his busy schedule to connect with her. You can be certain that he would not take the risk of alienating her by not calling within a day or two, for fear that he might get looked over for someone better. Therefore, if he hasn't called within a reasonable time, you can be 99% sure he was not particularly interested in the first place. He had fun with you, but his feelings did not run deep. Easy come, easy go.

That being said, there is a 1% chance that your "missing lover"' was actually swamped with work, or that he had a real family emergency. On rare occasions, men may even accidentally delete or lose a phone number. If you feel strongly that this might be the case, you can always call him, but do not expect much and PLEASE REFRAIN from asking him out or hinting that you are eager and available. If he still seems non-committal after the conversation (which you initiated), say goodbye, hang up the phone, and NEVER call back. In other words, have some dignity.

A Hunting Analogy

Just for fun, consider the following analogy: Let's say you are a deer and you've spotted a hunter coming at you with a loaded rifle. He intends to kill you. Would you wear a sign reading "Shoot Me" around your neck? Absolutely not. You would hightail it out of there like the smart, instinctual, regal animal that you are.

In wild game hunting, there are good hunters and lazy hunters. A good, seasoned (deer) hunter has an exceptionally high regard for his quarry. Subsequently, he familiarizes himself with the terrain and habits of deer. The good hunter is patient. He is mentally prepared to endure an inordinate amount of discomfort in order to affect a successful hunt. He has an incredibly strong appreciation for the demands of tracking game. In fact, the good hunter does not want an easy kill. He seeks the challenge of a good chase. Likewise, a man, who is worth his salt, will happily pursue you in a respectful way, despite the time it takes to get the job done right.

The Good Hunter

A worthwhile man is quite humbled by and appreciative of women, particularly those women whose company he heartily wishes to enjoy. Furthermore, he will happily expend extra time on the one woman who piques his interest more than any other. If he honestly desires a woman, he will go to almost any length to have her if he believes she is worth the effort it takes to pursue her with care.

The determination he has put forward to know her makes having her in his life that much more precious to him. No doubt, he wouldn't mind winning her over a little sooner, but he is willing to practice patience in the hope of eventually capturing her heart. Sounds incredible, but it is true. Good men are astonishingly romantic.

The mystery or “the chase” is often a critical element in romantic love. Sometimes called the “Romeo and Juliet effect,” a situation with challenges or obstructions is likely to intensify one’s passion for a loved one.

— Random History

The Lazy Hunter

On the other hand, the "lazy hunter" is only out to slaughter and conquer. He has no interest in the integrity of the hunt and therefore, has no compunction about shooting badly---without the marksmanship needed for a clean kill. In fact, the lazy hunter has no problem walking away, afterward, and leaving the deer unattended, to bleed alone---something a good hunter would never do.

The bad hunter hasn't much respect for anything. Once he shoots, he leaves quickly to locate the nearest beer cooler---or the next easy kill. Furthermore, if the hunt proves to be too laborious for his tastes, he has no problem stealing the game right out from under another hunter. The lazy hunter is an immoral man. He views the quarry as a commodity---something to be tossed away when it has served his purpose---which was to feed his ego and provide some distraction for the day.

The parallel is clear. The lazy lover, like the lazy hunter, cares only about instant gratification. He shoots and he leaves. You can count on it. Once he is no longer amused or finds the hunt too time consuming, he is gone. Furthermore, he has no concern for what he left behind.

On the other hand, the good lover, like the good hunter, takes pride in a clean chase. He has the character needed to wait for what he wants. In short, he is patient. The good man, like the good hunter, finds purpose and meaning in the chase, and he will treasure the memories of his "hunt" for a lifetime.

We Must Use Our Head Before Committing Our Heart

The good news is that worthwhile men exist and it really is possible for women to avoid falling into the 'Shoot Me' trap. Once a woman learns how to wait before leaping right into a sexual relationship with anyone, she has automatically placed herself on the right road to savvy dating. She is now on a path of choosing to be more discerning and selective about the men she dates, thus saving herself a lot of unnecessary heartache. She learns to observe his habits before she loses her heart.

It is imperative that women commit to taking the time to truly know what kind of man she is dating before she expends too much emotional or sexual energy on a new relationship. She must decide to choose the man who is capable of committing to the chase, while always walking away from the lazy hunter who is entirely incapable of committing to anything beyond his penis. In a nutshell, women must stop making excuses for the lazy hunter while also taking full responsibility for her own choices.

A smart lady...Better a book, than bad company.

A smart lady...Better a book, than bad company.

The longer and more deliberate a courtship, the better the prospects for a long marriage. People who have intense, Hollywood-type romances at the beginning are more likely to divorce.

A Smart Woman Expects to Be Respected

The woman who dates wisely is never an “easy kill.” Her vision is clear. Having put away her rose-colored glasses, she makes smart decisions about who she allows into her life. She dates successfully because she likes herself too much to become emotionally invested in a man who does not care. She recognizes that talk is cheap and that while his flattery feels exciting, it is meaningless unless his words are accompanied by positive actions. The smart woman understands that her future lover must earn her love through his sincerity and his substance. In short, the savvy woman directs her focus toward men who are positive and loving.

A self-assured woman never knowingly wears a victim's sign around her neck. Her self-worth is the “weapon” that frees her from falling prey to lazy hunters. Consequently, she turns her focus toward good hunters only. When a woman is ready for love, she must choose relationships with worthwhile men who have what it takes to see things through to the end. Good men have just as much desire to find a person of substance as you do. Become a woman with discernment and self-respect. Once you do, attracting worthwhile men will come easily.

Happy loving....Yves

Questions & Answers

Question: Would you be able to give me a list of ways to discern whether a man is worthwhile or not?

Answer: Discernment is the ability to judge well. Merriam Webster breaks down discernment as discrimination, perception, penetration and acumen. The following is their description, which answers your question nicely. I have added a few words of my own.

DISCERNMENT “stresses accuracy in reading someone’s character or motives” and knowing whether his heart is in the right place. Always remember that actions speak louder than words. His actions will tell you everything you need to know. Is he reliable? Does he do what he says he is going to do? Is he respectful? Ask yourself these questions. If the answer is "No" then his character and motives are wrong.

DISCRIMINATION is the ability to “distinguish what is true or appropriate.” Do his words ring true? Does he say things that are off-color?

PERCEPTION implies “quick and often sympathetic discernment (as of shades of feeling).” For example, a discerning person would be able to see someone’s motives. Is he in it for fun or does he act like someone who cares?

PENETRATION implies a “searching mind that goes beyond what is obvious or superficial. Can you see the scorn beneath the friendly smile?” If you watch closely, sometimes you will see a flash of contempt, anger, or unbridled lust. Then his face will return to normal. If you see these things, beware.

ACUMEN is the ability “to see what is not evident to the average mind.” Some people have the gift of discernment. They just know. Others, like myself, have gained discernment through experience.

Someone who has no discernment is easily fooled, falls in love too fast, and has no idea whether he cares about her or not. That’s not a good place to be. But anyone can change that by paying attention and forcing themselves to be more aware. Mostly, listen to your gut. If he makes you feel sad more than he makes you feel happy, he’s the wrong guy for you or anyone. Get rid of him. You’re not his therapist.

Question: I think I get stereotyped as the type of man I'm not. I always think there's something real but they get avoidant suddenly, just when things are getting good! I am interested in something real. I am manly. I am proud. I am honorable. It doesn't help that Minnesotans are "nice" but fake. I should move. I can wait for sex but I usually go for it but I can wait. There's no trust. I'm in my 30's with my stuff together and I think this is pathetic and scary. What's your take?

Answer: Your question reads like stream of consciousness writing. I need more clarity in order to answer your question. If women are always 'suddenly' becoming avoidant, there is a reason. Maybe it has to do with the sex issue. I would advise you NOT to go for sex prematurely. If you keep doing so, then you really do not have your act together and it does not matter where you live. Feel free to write back with a question that is clear. For example: How are you stereotyped? Why are you moving too fast? In what way are you manly and honorable? How are other's fake, while you are not?

© 2012 Yves

Comments

Yves (author) on January 30, 2020:

Kind of you to drop by, Umesh. I will visit your site, as I am over due. (That is not to say you have asked, but to let you know it s on my checklist.)

Umesh Chandra Bhatt from Kharghar, Navi Mumbai, India on January 30, 2020:

Very interesting. Well conceived. Thanks.

Yves (author) on November 12, 2019:

Hi RubyRed..... I would say that most women are not out to get men. It's humiliating to go through a rape trial or even approach police. Most decent women would rather walk through fire.

Only crazy women make false accusations....some of them, unfortunately, have been professors with a hard left wing agenda. But that's another subject perhaps.

I am surprised to hear about a "consent app." How ridiculous. I know a number of people in the teaching profession and one who is a university dean. I've not heard anything like this. Sounds like I have to check in with more college age women.

I'm sorry you've had such bad luck. I do believe things will improve once you're out of school. For now, try not to focus on dating apps. They're pretty much a downer and the rate of success is actually rather low. Once you're in the workplace, you'll likely meet more people who men who are on the same playing level as you are. They will also be more attuned to the future and all that the future entails, including relationships and a future wife.... in time.

You are still very young. Try not to worry. Just live your life. Things happen much more naturally that way. Thanks for visiting.

RubyRedRR on November 12, 2019:

All I seem to get are men who are short, bald, fat or broke and when they are decent looking with a good job they go Mgtw or some other cr** or expect women to approach because they're to chicken to take the risk.

Romance is leaning in for a kiss in the moonlight, not "fill out this consent app" Seriously, my last bf wanted me to text him asking for a kiss so he had a record! .

I know my college has a reputation for coming down hard on guys accused of acting inappropriately, but it's not the witch Hunt guys think it is. In fact several guys have already won lawsuits against the college so things aren't that bad anymore.

Man up, not all women are out to get you.

Smarmy2 on May 08, 2018:

Not a bad article,

I would add that if you continually jump into bed with guys you barely know you may turn away the guy who would give you his time.

AJ Long from Pennsylvania on March 16, 2017:

Welcome Yves.

Yves (author) on March 15, 2017:

Thanks, AJ. :)

AJ Long from Pennsylvania on March 15, 2017:

Great tips Yves! Guys and gals could profit from your Hub!

Yves (author) on January 28, 2017:

Well said, Demas. Women have to step it up as well. Though I've said that many times, perhaps I need to write another hub about it.

I loved your last sentence about sparkle and diamonds. So sweet and romantic

Also, I will plan on moving this article, just because you made the recommendation. :)

Demas W Jasper from Today's America and The World Beyond on January 28, 2017:

It's time to resurrect this one to the "Active" column.

Gals who settle for "good enough" soon find out how much there was to be desired that didn't come with the package.

Find that "someone" who truly deserves what you have to offer, and if what you have to offer isn't much, work on yourself first. That doesn't mean the "trappings" of clothes, hair, surroundings. It means the intangibles that you know you can improve within yourself. Be a woman of substance and sparkle...like the diamond the right man will hurry to buy for you.

Yves (author) on January 19, 2015:

Tough as it is to swallow, it's true Flourish. If he is really interested, he will not let an opportunity to know you slip away, and if he isn't, he will simply take his chances that you'll still be available if and when he decides to call or text....

And that's not OK. Thanks for visiting!

FlourishAnyway from USA on January 19, 2015:

You're brutally honest, and that's what is necessary. Wonderful job, Savvy. People make time for what matters. Period.

Yves (author) on September 16, 2013:

No doubt, DDE... and especially the staying part. That's what impresses me the most, besides a man who is very loving and who treats women with respect..

Devika Primić from Dubrovnik, Croatia on September 16, 2013:

How to Recognize the Worthwhile Man for me the worthwhile man is the one who stays with me when I need him at your worst times someone you can count on for always. A man with strength and character, good personality and who knows what he wants with her and from life

Yves (author) on February 01, 2013:

From someone who knows her topics very well, I appreciate the vote of confidence. Thanks, izettl.

Laura Izett-Irwin from The Great Northwest on January 31, 2013:

You know this topic well. Voted up

Yves (author) on February 27, 2012:

Thank you so much for reading, Krystal D. I am thrilled to be able to help women. Honestly, I can tell you my methods have worked quite well for me!

Krystal from Los Angeles on February 27, 2012:

This was the best thing I have read all week! Definitely the most informative hub on dating I have seen! Thanks! I look forward to more from you.

Yves (author) on February 14, 2012:

Thank you, sweet Dguerra!

Dguerra on February 14, 2012:

Have a happy valentines day Savvy!

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