How to Recognize a Worthwhile Man
Consider the following thoughts of a woman who has just spent the night with a guy she really likes:
"I've never felt such a strong connection with anyone. We talked about everything. He was so into me... but yesterday, my call went directly to his voice mail–again. I know how busy he is. Maybe I'll text him. What should I text? He had mentioned something about an out-of-town family thing, but I thought that was last weekend. It's been over two weeks since I've seen him. Maybe I was wrong to have slept with him...it's just that everything felt so right. Why doesn't he call? Then again, he's got this crazy schedule..."
If the above scenario has become all too typical for you, it is time to make some changes in your life. The "desperate to have him and therefore make excuses for him" routine will come back to bite you every single time. Now is the time to stop allowing your feelings to override your common sense. Understand one thing right now: It is useless for any woman to chase after a man who cannot even be bothered to expend the small amount of energy it takes to make a single phone call. If he has not called, he does not want to call.
Let's face facts. A brief phone call less than five minutes to complete: "Hi beautiful.... just wanted to take a moment to say I've been thinking about you."
That is all he has to say if he really really is swamped with work or 'pressing matters.' If a man cannot find three minutes out of his busy schedule for you, then you do not need to expend any more time thinking about him. Why should you? He enjoyed your body for a brief time. End of short story as far as he is concerned.
Why He Never Called
Why hasn't he called? First, you need to realize why this man you just met chose to spend time with you in the first place. Here are the facts: Nine times out of ten, he spent the evening with you because: he was game for some physical pleasure and you were eager and available.
He made the decision to enjoy you for the short term and now he is on to new adventures. Perhaps he didn't mean to hurt you. It is even remotely possible that he assumed you were fine with a short term fling, but chances are, he knew better.... which is why he's avoiding your texts and phone calls now.
Secondly, the only reason he bothered to ask for your phone number is because, (honestly) it was the easy way out. Let's face it, what man is going to say, "Well, nice having sex with you. Have a nice life." He prefers to avoid any drama. He realizes that his asking for your phone number "sort of" implies that he might call you. However, his having your number leaves him under no obligation to call, or so goes his thinking.
Now, if you offer yourself up to 'busy schedule guy' again, he’ll likely not pass up the opportunity for more sexual pleasure, that is, if he has nothing more promising, or what he deems promising, on the horizon. But make no mistake, men think differently about sex than women. Sex and true affection, i.e., caring and love, do not necessarily go hand in hand in a man's mind. The reality is that your 'busy lover' recognized you as an 'easy kill.' He knew from the beginning that you would allow him to be a "lazy hunter." (More about lazy hunters in the following paragraphs.) Thus, he permitted himself to be a non-committal lover.
Just know that when a man is interested in a woman, he is more than willing to make time in his busy schedule to connect with her. In fact, he wouldn't take the risk of alienating her by not calling within a day or two, for fear that he might get looked over for someone better. Therefore, if he hasn't called within a reasonable time, you can be 99% sure he had never planned on calling in the first place. He had fun with you, but his feelings didn't run deep. Easy come, easy go.
That being said, there is a 1% chance that your 'missing lover' was actually swamped with work, or that he had a real family emergency. On rare occasions, men may even accidentally delete a phone number. If you feel strongly that this might be the case, you can always call, but don't expect much and PLEASE DO NOT ask him out or hint that you are eager and waiting. If he still seems non-committal after your conversation (which you initiated), say goodbye, hang up the phone and NEVER call back. In other words, have some self-respect.
If he isn't calling you back, he really isn't interested in creating a meaningful connection with you.. After all, it takes all of five minutes to make a call.
A Hunting Analogy
Just for fun, consider the following analogy: Let's say you are a deer and you've spotted a hunter coming at you with a loaded rifle. He intends to kill you. Would you wear a sign reading 'Shoot Me' around your neck? Absolutely not. You would hightail it out of there like the smart, instinctual, regal deer that you are.
In wild game hunting, there are good hunters and lazy hunters. A good, seasoned (deer) hunter has an exceptionally high regard for his quarry. Subsequently, he familiarizes himself with the terrain and habits of deer. The good hunter is patient. He is mentally prepared to endure an inordinate amount of discomfort in order to affect a successful hunt. He has an incredibly strong appreciation for the demands of tracking game. In fact, the good hunter does not want an easy kill. He seeks the challenge of a good chase. Likewise, a man, who is worth his salt, will happily pursue you, despite the time it takes to get the job done right.
The Good Hunter
A worthwhile man is quite humbled by and appreciative of women, particularly those women whose company he heartily wishes to enjoy. Furthermore, he will happily expend extra time on the one woman who piques his interest more than any other. If he honestly desires a woman, he will go to almost any length to have her if he believes she is worth the effort it takes to pursue her with care. Furthermore, the determination he has put forward to know her makes having her that much more precious to him. No doubt, he wouldn't mind winning her over a little sooner, but he is willing to practice patience in the hope of eventually capturing her heart. Sounds incredible, but it is true. Good men are very romantic.
The mystery or “the chase” is often a critical element in romantic love. Sometimes called the “Romeo and Juliet effect,” a situation with challenges or obstructions is likely to intensify one’s passion for a loved one.— Random History
The Lazy Hunter
On the other hand, the 'lazy hunter' is only out to slaughter and conquer. He has no interest in the integrity of the hunt and therefore, has no compunction about shooting badly---without the marksmanship needed for a clean kill. In fact, the lazy hunter has no problem walking away, afterward, and leaving the deer unattended, to bleed alone---something a good hunter would never do.
The bad hunter hasn't much respect for anything. Once he shoots, he leaves quickly to locate the nearest beer cooler---or the next easy kill. Furthermore, if the hunt proves to be too laborious for his tastes, he has no problem stealing the game right out from under another hunter. The lazy hunter is an immoral man. He views the quarry as a commodity---something to be tossed away when it has served his purpose---which was to feed his ego and provide some distraction for the day.
The parallel is clear. The lazy lover, like the lazy hunter, cares only about instant gratification. He shoots and he leaves. You can count on it. Once he is no longer amused or finds the hunt too time consuming, he is gone. Furthermore, he has no concern for what he left behind.
On the other hand, the good lover, like the good hunter, takes pride in a clean chase. He has the character needed to wait for what he wants. In short, he is patient. The good man, like the good hunter, finds purpose and meaning in the chase, and he will treasure the memories of his 'hunt' for a lifetime.
How To Know If a Man Is Really Interested In You
- He includes you in his other interests.
- He introduces you to family and friends.
- He safeguards his time with you.
- He’s more than superficially curious about you.
- He listens to you and respects your opinion.
We Must Use Our Head Before Committing Our Heart
The good news is that worthwhile men exist and it really is possible for women to avoid falling into the 'Shoot Me' trap. Once a woman learns how to wait before leaping right into a sexual relationship with anyone, she has automatically placed herself on the right road to savvy dating. She is now on a path of choosing to be more discerning and selective about the men she dates, thus saving herself a lot of unnecessary heartache. She learns to observe his habits before she loses her heart.
It is imperative that women commit to taking the time to truly know what kind of man she is dating before she expends too much emotional or sexual energy on a new relationship. She must decide to choose the man who is capable of committing to the chase, while always walking away from the lazy hunter who is entirely incapable of committing to anything beyond his penis. In a nutshell, women must stop making excuses for the lazy hunter while also taking full responsibility for her own choices.
The longer and more deliberate a courtship, the better the prospects for a long marriage. People who have intense, Hollywood-type romances at the beginning are more likely to divorce.
A Smart Woman Expects to Be Respected
The woman who dates wisely is never an 'easy kill.' Her vision is clear. Having put away her rose-colored glasses, she makes smart decisions about who she allows into her life. She dates successfully because she likes herself too much to become emotionally invested in a man who is not a caring person. She recognizes that talk is cheap and that while flattery feels exciting, it is meaningless unless his words are accompanied by positive actions. The smart woman understands that her future lover must earn her love through his sincerity and his substance. In short, she directs her focus toward men who are positive and loving.
A self-assured woman never knowingly wears a victim's sign around her neck. Her self-worth is the 'weapon' that frees her from falling prey to 'lazy hunters.' Consequently, she turns her focus toward 'good hunters' only. When a woman is ready for love, she must choose relationships with worthwhile men who have what it takes to see things through to the end. Good men have just as much desire to find a person of substance as you do. Become a woman with discernment and self-respect... then and only then will you attract the worthwhile man.
Questions & Answers
I think I get stereotyped as the type of man I'm not. I always think there's something real but they get avoidant suddenly, just when things are getting good! I am interested in something real. I am manly. I am proud. I am honorable. It doesn't help that Minnesotans are "nice" but fake. I should move. I can wait for sex but I usually go for it but I can wait. There's no trust. I'm in my 30's with my stuff together and I think this is pathetic and scary. What's your take?
Would you be able to give me a list of ways to discern whether a man is worthwhile or not?
Discernment is the ability to judge well. Merriam Webster breaks down discernment as discrimination, perception, penetration and acumen. The following is their description, which answers your question nicely. I have added a few words of my own.
DISCERNMENT “stresses accuracy in reading someone’s character or motives” and knowing whether his heart is in the right place. Always remember that actions speak louder than words. His actions will tell you everything you need to know. Is he reliable? Does he do what he says he is going to do? Is he respectful? Ask yourself these questions. If the answer is "No" then his character and motives are wrong.
DISCRIMINATION is the ability to “distinguish what is true or appropriate.” Do his words ring true? Does he say things that are off-color?
PERCEPTION implies “quick and often sympathetic discernment (as of shades of feeling).” For example, a discerning person would be able to see someone’s motives. Is he in it for fun or does he act like someone who cares?
PENETRATION implies a “searching mind that goes beyond what is obvious or superficial. Can you see the scorn beneath the friendly smile?” If you watch closely, sometimes you will see a flash of contempt, anger, or unbridled lust. Then his face will return to normal. If you see these things, beware.
ACUMEN is the ability “to see what is not evident to the average mind.” Some people have the gift of discernment. They just know. Others, like myself, have gained discernment through experience.
Someone who has no discernment is easily fooled, falls in love too fast, and has no idea whether he cares about her or not. That’s not a good place to be. But anyone can change that by paying attention and forcing themselves to be more aware. Mostly, listen to your gut. If he makes you feel sad more than he makes you feel happy, he’s the wrong guy for you or anyone. Get rid of him. You’re not his therapist.Helpful 1
© 2012 Yves