Ms. Dora is a Certified Christian Counselor. Her views on singleness, premarital and marital issues are influenced by her Christian beliefs.
When boy meets girl, they’re curious about what they can discover. When man meets woman, they’re cautious about what they will decide: Will there be a relationship? What kind of relationship? What are the expectations?
The man in this article is assumed to be a decent, desirable individual, so the counsel is addressed to the woman who may need help to keep him interested. (We may also imagine the reverse—virtuous woman and inexperienced man).
Here, we show concern for the woman who is so desperate for a relationship that before she figures out the man and his interest, she is ready to offer up her entire self —complete with sexual favors to keep the man interested. The following six suggestions offer her some options to keep the man enjoying her company while appreciating her worth:
- Be respectful
- Have relationship options
- Offer empowerment
- Practice trust
- Accept his affection
- Enjoy the relationship
"Every good relationship … is based on respect. If it's not based on respect, nothing that appears to be good will last very long." – Amy Grant
1. Be Respectful
The woman's respect contributes to the man's sense of self. It adds to his feeling of worth and elevates him to think of her as more than a physical shape.
Respect for a man includes but is not limited to:
- listening to him and not butting in before he finishes his sentence;
- refraining from jokes, stories, comments which might embarrass him;
- complimenting his strengths;
- discussing relationship boundaries which set him up to become a protector instead of a trespasser;
- covering the body parts which he shows no interest in seeing.
When sex is the foundation of the relationship, there is less time and less desire to demonstrate this kind of respect. Plus, the woman who upholds this kind of respect is likely to receive the same kind.
"You’re not born a winner; you are not born a loser. You are born a chooser." – Hussein Nishah
2. Have Relationship Options
Relationships are less worrisome when both the man and woman know that they have the prerogative to change or end the relationship. This option makes them comfortable to reveal their true selves, and be honest about how much or how little adjustments they care to make.
When a woman offers this kind of option to man, what she gets in return is the man’s recognition of her courage, her confidence and her individuality. He may run from these strengths because he finds them overpowering; or he may choose to embrace them because he finds them complementary.
It is pitiful to see some women (some men do too) throw temper tantrums, become telephone or email nuisances or even stalkers when they consider the other person’s decision unsatisfactory. Respect for self, and respect for the other person can enable them to remain civil to each other.
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“Basically, all women are nurturers and healers." – Nelson DeMille
3. Offer Empowerment
Every man who connects with a good woman should be more empowered because of the connection. Her natural talents and her interpersonal skills are assets to help her influence a man.
She does not have to lecture him or give him reading assignments, but through her conversations and conduct, she may enrich his life. Statements like the following may reveal his deepening admiration for her:
- "Her love for animals is rubbing off on me."
- "I am more concerned about my spirituality since we started talking."
- 'I make better nutritional choices now that we dine together.'
- "She motivates me to complete my studies."
If losing the relationship will not feel like a personal loss to the man, the woman may be considered a liability. He likes the woman to be an asset to his self-improvement.
"It is mutual trust, even more than mutual interest, that holds human associations together." – H. L. Mencken
Trust is like an agreement to hold hands no matter what. The man and woman need mutual assurance that if suspicion, doubt, fear or external interference surfaces, the grasp of the hands will tighten and not loosen. This assurance requires an accompanying agreement to be honest and transparent. With self-worth intact, and the understanding that past mistakes do not fix the agenda for life, the woman can practice trust in the new relationship.
No man wants to listen to expectations of betrayal and disappointment. Expressions of confidence and loyalty will boost his desire to be worthy of the trust he receives. What man would not welcome a relationship in which both he and his partner can trust and be trusted without always having to prove it?
"Don't be afraid of showing affection. Be warm and tender, thoughtful and affectionate." – Sir John Lubbock.
5. Accept His Affection
Many women sabotage relationships because they do not how to respond to affection. Some mistakenly interpret the slightest touch as an invitation to bed. Others run from the touch because it makes them uncomfortable.
Cures for both groups begin with the woman’s appreciation for herself. It is for her to believe that her values and virtues make her desirable, and that she deserves the attention and companionship of a decent man. The man wants to be needed not only for his ability to provide material comfort, but also for physical and emotional comfort in the form of hugs and cuddles.
He may also express affections in compliments, in gifts and in practical help. No matter how, he wants the woman to appreciate, not to reject his affection; he also would be happy to receive some affection in return.
"Enjoying your relationships should be an act of the heart." – Derrick Sumral
6. Enjoy the Relationship
Real enjoyment comes from the mutual sharing of hearts that appreciate what they have in each other.
Here are some hints to help the woman enjoy the relationship as fully as possible:
- Accept the man as he is; focus on his positive, likeable aspects and refuse to nag about the non-essentials.
- Know that he will not have the same personality like another male friend or relative.
- Spend quality time in activities which include play and laughter.
- Communicate freely to ensure mutual understanding; forgive human errors.
- Be supportive and express gratitude for his support.
It the relationship makes the man feel alive and happy, it is likely to become his priority; and the woman is likely to become the center of his world.
Questions & Answers
Question: We’ve been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years now. Last night I asked him what was wrong because he had been distant and doesn’t show any emotions towards me. He told me his love for me “faded”. He wants time to think about it but it’s killing me. I don’t know what to say or do when I see him. I just wanna hug him and cry so much. But I’ve been giving him the space he needs, I don’t know what I’m doing wrong....any advice?
Answer: There are so many questions I would like to ask before I give an answer, but with the information you have provided, it seems that he is giving you time to get over your crying. If he said that his love has faded, he is saying that he does not love you any more. You cannot force love. Thank him for being honest, cut your losses, grieve a little but plan to move on.
Consider your contribution to the break up, and plan how to avoid it happening in your next relationship. Consider that your dance with him may be over, but that the music is still playing, and there are other dancers on the floor. Improve on yourself, give yourself time to renew and refresh your poise. You'll be even more desirable than you were before. He may even want to dance again, but limit yourself. Choose wisely.
© 2016 Dora Weithers