Holding On and Letting Go in Love
I think every woman has had at least one guy in her life that she had a difficult time truly letting go. No matter what he did, she would always give him the benefit of the doubt. Regardless of how many times he disappointed her, she would think this time would be different. He's like a drug or an addiction, you just need a little taste and you're right back where you started. He may be the last thing you need in your life, but damn it you just can't quit him.
Personally, I used to have one of those guys in my life. Somehow, he would always lure me back in only to leave me every single time. Looking back now, I just want to shake myself or scream at myself because how could I not see what was so obvious. To be fair, I was only 15 when it started, but I let it continue until more than a decade later. It's like no matter how many times he would disappoint me, I would think next time will be different. I think it has to do with the fact that I was so young when I met him and I idealized him to such a degree that would never be able to measure up. In my mind, he was everything I needed him to be. In reality, he was everything you should seriously avoid.
To be honest, even if I did idealize him, I never asked him for anything that he couldn't give me. I've never been a woman who has cared much about flowers or gifts so I never expected someone I've dated to give me those. It always made me feel weird for someone to spend a lot of money on me. I'd rather they spend a lot of time on me instead and put a lot of thought into a date. The only thing I expect from someone I date is their time and loyalty. You can't buy those things, but this guy wouldn't even be able to afford them if he tried.
The signs were there all along, but I just refused to see them. I think when you really want it to work out with someone, you will become blind to what you don't want to accept about them. You see them through rose colored glasses and dismiss any faults they may have. It should be a red flag though if the only thing someone is consistent in is letting you down. And that's an area where he never failed me. Ninety percent of the time the plans we made to spend time together never happened. I guess it was so hard for him to make plans and keep them with someone who was so far down on his list of priorities. Literally everyone came before me. When I think about it now, I just cringe at how much I wanted something to work that obviously was not healthy for me in the least.
That's the thing though, it was the thrill of the chase for me. You always want what you can't have and I could never truly have this guy. He was like a butterfly that you could never get close to. Every time you try to get near, it gets scared and flies away. I used to think that he would change with age and finally become mature and responsible. And he has, just not where it concerns relationships. I've known him for fifteen years and he's still the same scared boy when it comes to women. He's one of those guys who never has a steady relationship. Every one of his close guy friends has gotten married and has kids but he's still single and now I know why. It's not just me. It's never been about me. It's just who he is and that's never going to change.
When I became seriously interested in someone else, the whole situation with this guy started to slowly fade away in my mind. Everyday I thought about him less and less and he became insignificant. I started to see how I didn't really need him in my life at all. We were what you'd call friends at this point. Not the type of friends you could call at 3 am if you were in trouble though. More like Facebook friends that are there but have no real importance in your life. When he would ask to hang out, it became almost comical in my mind. I would make bets about whether he'd actually follow through or cancel at the last minute again. Regardless of the outcome, I wouldn't get disappointed anymore. At this point I could care less. If he did happen to follow through, sure we'd go out and have dinner or drinks or whatever and chat like nothing happened. We'd have a good time, make plans to meet again, and who the heck knows if they actually happened because I stopped keeping track a long time ago.
I always wondered why this guy always came back to me. Was he really that interested in me and just couldn't commit, or was I doing something that ensured he would always return? According to behavioral psychologists, we'll only perform certain behaviors if we like the responses we get from them. Now it makes sense. He always asked me to hangout because he knew my response would always be yes. It was like a sure thing. Even if he had no intention of following through, he got off on the fact that I agreed and made time for him when I could have been doing other things. I know this because when I started becoming "uncertain" and not following through on plans made with him, he would get mad. How dare I treat him like he treated me for so many years. Who did I think I was? Apparently, that's a big no-no in his book. You should never treat him like he treats you. Who knew?
On the other hand, I also got a certain response from my behavior towards him that I couldn't resist. He would ignore me for months at a time and then out of nowhere call me. I remember every time that he contacted me I would get excited. I got a little thrill anytime I got a text or message, like maybe finally this time things would work out. I think it was the hope that kept me going all that time. After that initial high, would come the inevitable letdown. And then the cycle would continue on and on until I finally broke it.
This was probably one of the hardest lessons I had to learn in my life, but I think at this point I've mastered it. It was one those "the only way out is through" lessons. And now that I am on the other side of that lesson, never again will I have to go through it again. After so many years of disappointments, tears, and overall discontent, I thought I would hate the guy but I don't. I don't hate him because I don't feel anything for him at all. It's not like he's a bad guy or anything like that. He'll never really break your heart because you'll never get close enough to see if he has one. Can you really blame a girl for never giving up on someone? Always trying to see the best side of them? And having faith in someone who obviously has none in themselves? Probably not. But you should never bet on a horse that has a long standing losing streak. It's never smart to bet on a loser. You'll never get that time back.
Oh and by the way. How lucky is the woman that might someday marry him? She has no idea of the fun times ahead with this guy. So many questions like will he show up to the wedding or not? Will he leave you on the honeymoon or stay all the way through? I'd say the odds are 50/50 at best in any given situation, but I've never been a gambling woman.
My Immortal by Evanescence
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