Jorge's relationship advice is based on experience and observation. Let his trial and error be your success (hopefully).
"Hey, Don't Ignore Me!" How to Get His Attention Back Without Seeming Desperate
So the guy you like—your boyfriend, your crush, whoever—has suddenly lost interest in you. He seemed to like you before, but now he's less enthusiastic, and you'd like to get his attention back without being too pushy.
This is a pretty common situation to be in. Love is a weird thing. Our feelings for people often come in waves that rise and fall at random. You've probably experienced this yourself: Have you ever liked someone and then suddenly, out of the blue, all of your feelings went away? Was it like the hormones just stopped flowing?
Well, put yourself in his shoes. He's probably going through something similar. It doesn't even necessarily mean that something you said or did turned him off. The feelings could have just randomly waned on their own. The early stage of romance is a fickle place to be.
So, what do you do about it? How do you get his attention back? While there are no guarantees, here are some ways that you can encourage him to look your way again.
Ways to Get His Attention Back
- Stop being so freakin' accommodating.
- Make sure he's having a good time when he sees you.
- Avoid bringing him down.
- Make it clear that you don't want anything from him.
- Don't ignore the role of physical attraction.
- Be proactive in spending time with him.
- Get him alone.
- Open yourself up to dating other people.
- Stop putting him on a pedestal.
- Have a life outside of him.
- Improve yourself for yourself.
1. Stop Being So Freakin' Accommodating
Seriously. In the early stages of a romantic connection, what turns people off the most is desperation and neediness. Maybe you don't see it that way, but sometimes being too accommodating and agreeable can send the signal that you're needy.
Does this mean that you have to be a horrible shrew? No! Of course not. There's nothing wrong with being nice—however, when you compromise certain things like your values, your priorities, and your boundaries to the other person, it will ironically often make them less interested.
For example, let's say that you make it clear that you don't eat shrimp because you believe that they're sentient beings. In other words, it's against your ethics to eat them. Let's say that the guy you like knows this and offers a nice shrimp cocktail to you anyway. Not wanting to turn him down, you eat them.
This is being overly accommodating. In the moment, he may be happy that you accepted, but in general, you're signaling that you're so desperate to please a guy that you have no standards.
Without having a sense of respect for yourself, he will lose interest quickly.
But if you stop doing the things for him that you once did, he might start to take notice. Try saying "no" to him next time he asks you for a favor.
2. Make Sure He's Having a Good Time When He Sees You
Context is everything. If he's always in a bad mood in an environment he hates when he sees you, he may come to quickly associate you with it.
For example, did you meet at work and he doesn't like his job? Why would he want to solidify his ties to his job even more by dating someone that he met there? So he can talk about work even when he's out on a date?
Make sure that you see him outside of this environment. Invite him out somewhere as "friends" where you know that he'll have a good time. If he associates you with a fun night out instead of tedium, then you're more likely to get his attention back.
3. Avoid Bringing Him Down
Are you always complaining? Are you a negative person?
If so, you might not have even noticed that you turned him off. Many times, we're habituated to certain conversation patterns and we might not even realize that what we say is negative.
Think back to how you talk to him. Do you think he leaves the conversation feeling good? Or is he drained? Did he laugh while you talked, or did the two of you just rant about all the bad things that happened at work or school?
4. Make It Clear That You Don't Want Anything From Him
You know what turns a guy off faster than smelly breath or a bushy armpit? The weird sense that a girl is expecting something from him or wants something from him, besides just a fun, light-hearted connection.
These ulterior motives can take many forms. Make sure that you don't secretly want to take advantage of:
- His social status.
- His money.
- The fact that he's a good shoulder to cry on.
- The possibility of marriage.
Sure, it might be normal for a woman to be attracted to a man partially because of his social status and success. That's just biology. But if a part of you is scheming about how you can use these perks, he'll probably sense your social vampirism right away.
Make sure that you are interested in this guy simply because you're interested in who he is. If you want him for anything else, he's sure to get turned off eventually—unless he's desperate himself.
5. Don't Ignore the Role of Physical Attraction
It's easy for people to say, "It's what's inside that counts!" Ultimately, this is kind of true, but it's also true that women tend to underestimate the huge role that physical attraction has for a man.
Maybe you would date a guy who is just okay-looking, and as long as he is confident and successful, you don't really care if he is ripped and has 6-pack abs.
The equivalent is not really true for guys. The first requirement for most guys is that you are physically attractive. Without that, you are just friends.
Now, does this mean that you have to be a beauty queen? Of course not. "Physically attractive" means something different to every guy. While your appearance is important, different men value different physical traits on a woman.
Also, you don't have to be perfect in his eyes, either. You just have to be attractive enough to arouse him, that's all.
What does this mean in practice? Well, consider whether your appearance has changed lately in a way that he may find unattractive.
While I don't recommend changing the way you look just to appeal to a particular guy (this is an unwinnable game), it may shed some light on why he lost interest. Also, there's nothing wrong with sprucing yourself up a bit and ditching the frumpy sweatpants when you're around him.
In the later stages of a relationship, your appearance will matter less. If you're trying to get his initial attention though, you'll have to consider these "superficial" factors.
6. Be Proactive in Spending Time With Him
In a casual way, invite him out to interesting places. Take an active role in getting him to spend time with you and don't wait for him to ask.
Many times, when we spend a long time away from someone in the early stages of romance, the feelings can kind of fizzle out. Keep his interest alive by seeing him regularly.
Of course, this doesn't mean stalking him and always being around him. You do need space, or else he'll feel suffocated. Seeing him a few times a week is more than enough, but you might have to cut down your invitations if he's particularly introverted.
7. Get Him Alone
If you only ever hang out in groups, there may be parts of each other that neither of you is seeing. These deeper pieces of the vulnerable self are what we're really looking for in each other when we make a connection, whether we realize it or not.
People are often afraid of showing this side of themselves around other people, so make sure that you see him alone.
8. Open Yourself Up to Dating Other People
While it's not a good idea to actively try to "make him jealous," since it can backfire spectacularly, nothing moves a potential lover to action more than seeing you with someone else.
If he really isn't into you, then he'll probably be happy for you and not seem bothered at all. There's nothing you can do in that case.
However, if he likes you, but was just kind of on the fence about dating you, he might suddenly be interested again when you're getting touchy-feely with others. People get filled with a sense of urgency when someone they like might be off the market soon. This will also show him that you are non-needy and that he's not the only one for you.
9. Stop Putting Him on a Pedestal
When we're consumed by attraction, it's really easy to become obsessed with a person, especially if we're young. It's only after all of the chemical reactions have run their course that we think to ourselves, "Man, they weren't as great as I thought!"
These kinds of feelings can ironically make us do the exact opposite of what will attract someone. We'll seem desperate, we'll seem pushy, we'll act nervous and awkward.
Instead, try to remind yourself that he's a human being. Make a list of all of the things about him that are imperfect if you can—and not just the "cute" stuff that makes him more lovable to you. Bring him down from that pedestal and try to see him for the human that he is.
It is only at that level that we can make a real connection, anyway.
10. Have a Life Outside of Him
Another symptom of that weird obsession that love causes is to have no social life beyond the guy you like. If you're not hanging out with other people or even dating other guys, then this is a real problem.
Not only will it probably make him lose interest faster (because someone with "no life" is by definition less interesting), but it can also send you spiraling into a love-sick depression.
So get out there and do stuff with other people. You're much more likely to get his attention back if you're enjoying life on your own.
11. Improve Yourself for Yourself
Going out and having fun is only part of the equation, and it isn't even the most important part.
When you make massive positive changes in your life as a whole, this is bound to get his attention.
For instance, have you always wanted to be a world-class painter, and you decide to quit your job to pursue your art full time? A bold change like this—done for the right reasons—will attract the right people to your life. (Which might be your crush, but more likely will be someone better!)
Similarly, have you always wanted to get fit? Have you thrown away all of the junk food in your house and started training for a marathon?
If he sees you every day, or at least with some degree of regularity, he will probably notice what you're doing and be impressed.
The paradox here is this: You can't do this in order to impress him, or it will backfire. You have to do it for yourself.
Doing this type of self-improvement is a great way to use your time and energy for something that will make your life a lot better. You have to look beyond the outcome of possibly getting him back and instead look at the big picture. A long-term focus on yourself is the way to go.
Why Do You Even Want His Attention?
If it wasn't obvious between the lines already, before you try anything, you should look at your motivations really carefully.
Why do you want his attention? Is it because a relationship with him will make you happy? Probably some part of your subconscious believes this, or else you wouldn't be trying to come up with ways to get him to notice you again.
Ask yourself, though: Is it worth the energy? Is there anyone else in the world who could be a great partner for you, but who is actually willing to pay attention to you?
There are probably lots of people who would be easier to date and cause you a lot less work!
Questions & Answers
Question: How to treat him the way he treats me?
Answer: That depends, how does he treat you?
Look, if someone mistreats you, there's no point in mistreating them in return. You're just lowering yourself to their level. This is for your sake, not theirs.
If someone mistreats you, don't waste your time. Walk away.
© 2017 Jorge Vamos