Why She Doesn't Like You Back and What You Can Do About It

Updated on April 29, 2019
Em Clark profile image

Em is a millennial writer with a special interest in social sciences, dating, and what makes people click (and tick!)

Rejection is the worst. I promise, I'm not here to lecture your broken heart about the pains of being female, the patriarchy, etc. However, I'm one of those people who believes that everything, whether good or bad, can become a solid learning experience. Though I'm no relationship expert, I've had the unfortunate task of rejecting perfectly wonderful guys (just as I've been rejected by perfectly wonderful guys) so I feel like I have some insight on the matter.

Full disclosure: I'm a straight cis girl and though inclusivity is a priority to me, my advice is coming from that perspective.

However, whether you're a guy or a gal dealing with rejection from the girl you like and want to date or pursue a relationship with, pause and remember that you're important, you're valuable, you're loveable and you're worthwhile, even if the person you're attracted to doesn't the same way.

Got it?

Good.

Now read on to understand why she doesn't like you back and what you can do to move forward.

Source

You Don't Have Chemistry

True, chemistry isn't everything, especially if you're looking for a long-term relationship. But initially? It's kind of a big deal. I once had a good friend interested in me and he hit all of the marks for me: great listener, hard worker, loved his family, had awesome style, kind to everyone, deep thinker, fun to be around.

But holy cow, we had no chemistry and trying to create it with him was like fumbling in the dark for my glasses—awkward and kind of scary. He's a great person, anyone would be lucky to have him (including me), but without a spark—you know, that thing that makes your heart skip two beats when they enter the room—it's hard to pull past the friendship line.

What You Can Do About It

If she's giving you all the feels but continuing to friendzone you even if you've been explicit that you see her in a romantic way, don't get down on yourself. If she keeps saying, "You're great, but you're not my type" then that's most likely the absolute truth. You are great! But you aren't her type and she's lacking a sense of chemistry on her end. The thing is, you're someone's type. Keep lookin' and don't let this setback slow you down for too long.

She's Going Through Something Major

Is she going through something big, like her parent's divorce or a health crisis? This might not be a good time for her to explore her romantic feelings for anyone.

What You Can Do About It

Nothing. If you want to be a good friend then be supportive, be kind, but don't expect anything, especially a relationship out of it. And, I can't stress this enough, don't take advantage of her emotional vulnerability.

Your Personalities Conflict

Now, there's a lot of millennial trends I call bull sh*t on. Astrology? Not for me. Tarot cards? Lol. Nope. But the whole Myers-Briggs personality types thing? I love it. I think it actually makes a lot of sense. Do I think it's the end-all and that you should base all of your romantic relationships on it? Heck no—but I think taking it and finding out your personality type (based on psychology) can be really enriching and give you tons of insight into aspects of your personality you might not even be aware of.

This is how it works:

  1. You take a Myers-Briggs personality test (there's an official one, but I've taken all of the free ones. I like this one the best simply because the site is easy to navigate).
  2. Receive your "type" (it will be a combination of your 4 most defining personality traits—mine is INFJ, meaning I'm dominated by Introversion, iNtuition, Feeling and Judging).
  3. Use your type to get to know yourself. There are resources all over the internet. For introverted personalities like mine, I really like visiting the Introvert Dear blog.

Once you've found out your personality type, you might recognize that it isn't actually in harmony with your love interest's personality type. Maybe you approach conflict in a very feeling way, like the F in my personality type indicates.

When I have a conflict with someone I think about everyone that's involved, how they feel, what my own personal values in the situation are. If I'm having a conflict with someone who approaches things in a more "thinking" (the T in other personality types) way, they may not be focused on personal values at all. Instead, they're looking at the facts, they're handling things in a more analytical way, stomping all over my FEELINGS. How rude! (Not really).

What You Can Do About It

Get to know yourself. Take a personality test, find out what drives you and what makes you tick. Then, stop pining for people who don't share those same traits and instead keep an eye (and heart) out for those who are more like you. Friends can all have different personalities and enjoy each other on a surface level. But, people you date, people you hope to one day make a partner will need to be able to relate to you in some way. It's helpful if you approach the tough stuff like conflict in a similar way or if you at least possess personality traits that play off each other in a positive and meaningful way.

Sure, you may be wild for the girl who wants to single-handedly save mankind with her vegan lifestyle but if you're the dude who's made it his life's passion to captain a BBQ food truck featuring full racks of ribs, how's that really going to play out?

Sure, you may be wild for the girl who wants to single-handedly save mankind with her vegan lifestyle but if you're the dude who's made it his life's passion to captain a BBQ food truck featuring full racks of ribs, how's that really going to play out?

You Have Bad Hygiene

I hate to break it to you, but we're strangers here so I'm just going to say it: you might smell bad, and it might be grossing her out. You could have the best personality, insane chemistry, and every interest in common, but if you stink? That's a deal breaker. Does she lean away when you talk to her? Cut hugs short? Take a deep breath as soon as she's out in fresh air?

What You Can Do About It

Make sure you're doing these things every day:

  • Shower. Take a shower. Wash your hair, wash well behind your ears (it's true!), get under those arms, get in all the nooks and crannies and don't forget your feet too. If regular ol' body wash doesn't do the trick for you, go with something that fights bacteria. I actually use this tea tree based soap in the shower. They make it in a bar too, but I like the little bottle with the cap because I can throw it in my bag too and use it to wash my hands or drop a little on a paper towel and run it under water to wipe down my armpits if it's a day where I'm on the go without a chance to pop back home to rinse off.
  • Brush your teeth. At least twice a day! Get a whitening toothpaste too, that way your mouth doesn't just smell fresh, it looks fresh too. Floss before bed and like the mini bottle of soap, get a travel toothbrush you can use to do a quick brushin' after lunch if you're not at home.
  • Apply deodorant. Or an antiperspirant and if you're at school or work all day, throw one in your backpack and reapply it on your break.

To keep the funk away do this stuff every week:

  • Wash your bedding. Bedding is like underwear, you sweat in it. Plus, you drool in it. It needs to be washed and then immediately dried to keep from mildewing.
  • Bleach your towels. If you have colored towels use white vinegar when you wash them to clear away any musty smells. If you dry off with a musty smelling towel, you'll smell musty too.
  • Keep your clothes clean. Don't wear shirts or underwear more than once without washing them and pants need to go in after every other wear.

More tips for not stinking her out:

  • Smoking stinks. I don't care what you're smoking, it smells gross on you.
  • Chew some minty gum after a garlicky meal. Show me a girl who doesn't love a good tub of fresh-made garlic hummus. Now show me a girl who wants to keep smelling it post-consumption. Eek!
  • Wash your pets. Maybe you don't stink at all, maybe your dog rubbing all over your pants is the real problem here.

That pup is way cute, but when was the last time he had a bath and when was the last time you found him using your clean clothes pile as a nest?
That pup is way cute, but when was the last time he had a bath and when was the last time you found him using your clean clothes pile as a nest? | Source

She's Interested in Someone Else

This is very simple. You'll know she's interested in someone else if she says "I'm seeing someone" or "I like someone else" or "I have a boyfriend/girlfriend."

What You Can Do About It

Back off. She's in a relationship and it's not with you. If you really like her and you're having trouble handling how unavailable she is, try to distance yourself from her. If she's someone you work with, only interact at work and only when you have to. If it's a friend, tone down the friendship. Don't torture yourself.

You're a Nice Guy

And not in a good way. You might be a Nice Guy (or Girl) if:

  • You purposely do nice things in front of the girl you like just to win her affections, but wouldn't think to do them if she weren't around.
  • You think that if someone isn't attracted to you there's something inherently wrong with them.
  • You believe that every person your love-interest dates is bad and that she's constantly making bad choices because, well, she's not dating you of course!
  • You think that you could be the answer to all of her problems—from the subpar leftovers she's eating for dinner tonight to her complex daddy issues.

Girls don't like Nice Guys.

They like humans who act like humans. Do-gooders who do good to contribute positively to this big spinning sphere we're all trapped on. People who visit their great-grandma and don't feel the need to Instagram it for instant karma. Dudes who drive their little brother to soccer when their mom has to work and don't expect a Son-of-The-Year trophy for it. Chicks who make dinner for their best friend after she gets fired and who don't want any praise for it.

What You Can Do About It

Take a hard look at what motivates you. Is it praise? Acceptance? Using good deeds to manipulate a situation to get the thing you want (i.e. The Girl)? If that's true, you need to change yourself before you can attract the kind of people you're attracted to.

You need to learn to be less self-centered and to be an actual guy (or girl) who's nice, instead of a Nice Guy. If you don't know where to start, ask a close friend that you trust to be honest with you.

Remember: no one owes you their affection just because you're kind. You should be kind no matter what.

No one owes you their affection just because you're kind. You should be kind no matter what.

You're Laying it on Too Thick

Sometimes, we like you but you're being a little overwhelming. Here's some signs you might be overwhelming her:

  • You always initiate text conversations and never give her the chance to start a convo.
  • You embarrass her at work by popping in when she's really busy and expecting her full attention.
  • You constantly compliment her. Compliments are wonderful, but like anything delicious, they need to be sprinkled on, not dumped by the spoonful.

What You Can Do About It

Chill! Are you doing things 100% all of the time? Take three steps back. Wait for her to text you. Compliment her when it's real and genuine and make sure compliments highlight aspects of her personality that you appreciate or accomplishments she's worked hard for. Commenting on her booty or eyes is just...too much.

You Creep Her Out

Sometimes compliments cross the line to totally freaking creepy. You might be creepy to her if:

  • You're always making comments about her body.
  • You give way too much information about your body.
  • You send mirror selfies.
  • You're always showing up wherever she is, even if no one invited you.
  • You use asterisks to communicate *Looks back and forth nervously...*
  • You ask her overtly personal questions about things she's never freely spoken about like past relationships, sexual preferences, etc. Things you would only talk about with someone you're actually intimate (in a real relationship) with.

What You Can Do About It

Take some time to study up on what women find creepy (and why), and then stop doing those things.

This article is a good start.

You're Conceited or Condescending

You know what I mean—you literally think you're God's Gift to Women. You believe you're the smartest, most handsome, most successful being to grace her with your presence.

What You Can Do About It

See a therapist.

Do you keep taking her out as "just a friend" when you actually mean to ask her on a date? Be honest and decisive about how you feel about her—she's not a mind reader for crying out loud!
Do you keep taking her out as "just a friend" when you actually mean to ask her on a date? Be honest and decisive about how you feel about her—she's not a mind reader for crying out loud! | Source

She Doesn't Even Know You Like Her

One time, I had a guy head over heels for me. And I was head over heels for him. And I didn't find this out about him until I was seeing someone else. Maybe she doesn't even know you like her. Did you tell her how you feel?

What You Can Do About It

Tell her how you feel, explicitly. Say "I like you as more than a friend, I like you as someone I'd like to be my girlfriend (or go on a date with, if you haven't already)." then see where things go.

Did you actually tell her that you have romantic feelings for her?

See results

Questions & Answers

    © 2019 Em Clark

    Comments

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      • Em Clark profile imageAUTHOR

        Em Clark 

        2 months ago

        Dashing - this is sound advice/commentary! Thanks for taking the time to write it. I think it definitely adds more perspective to the dilemma.

      • dashingscorpio profile image

        dashingscorpio 

        3 months ago

        In a world with over 7 Billion people rejection just means: Next!

        "Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."

        - Oscar Wilde

      • dashingscorpio profile image

        dashingscorpio 

        3 months ago

        Sound advice.

        In the case where you were over hills into the guy odds are (you) never told him how you felt either. This is fairly common with young people because they fear rejection so much they want to know in advance if someone else likes them before approaching.

        It's not uncommon for those in Jr. high or high school to have a friend act as a "scout" to find out if a boy or girl "likes them".

        Another common mistake young people make in their attempt to avoid rejection is they avoid to commit to {romantic intentions}.

        Instead of proposing going on an actual date they instead suggest they "hang out" which sounds (neutral or platonic) in nature. They hope this strategy will cause the other person to say "yes" .

        Simply put it's a cowardly approach to dating. It also increases the odds of someone falling into the "friend zone" trap.

        Pretending to be "friends" while having a (secret agenda) is a self torture exercise. You end up hearing about all their dating adventures hoping one day they will see (you) as an option. Should you finally reveal your feelings they may feel betrayed.

        No one wants a "fake friend". There is an upside to rejection.

        Rejection saves you time and sometimes money. The sooner you know where you stand the less pain there really is because you're not as "emotionally invested" early on.

        "Girls don't like Nice Guys. They like humans who act like humans."

        "No one owes you their affection just because you're kind."

        Those are very true statements. I believe so called "nice guys" are confused about what they (hear) women {claim they want} in a man and what type of (men) they usually see women end up with.

        Almost everyone has heard: "Nice guys finish last."

        Have you ever heard of the LONELY: "bad boy", "jerk/a-hole", "player", "narcissist", or "Type-A Alpha male"? No!

        Do you think that is a coincidence? NO!

        You could stick a woman in a room with five guys and have four of them drop to their knees extending their heart towards her while the 5th guy sits in a corner sipping a cocktail acting as if she doesn't exist. That will be "the guy" she wants to get to know!!!

        He's a mystery, a challenge, a puzzle to figure out, and if she knows other women like him she is prepared to compete for his attention.

        Women are attracted to guys who are confident, self-assured, have some "swagger" or possibly a little borderline arrogance.

        Contrary to the "nice guys" beliefs most women are {not comfortable} being put up on a pedestal or being treated like a princess!

        Their own parents, siblings, & best friends don't treat them like that! Ultimately everyone wants to (feel comfortable) in a relationship. Behavior they're not accustom to is either creepy or a turn off. Therefore "nice guys" need to drop the "puppy dog eye" routine and "milk toast" soft peddling personality. It's not sexy!

        Another problem many men have is they chase after women who are "out of their league". Lets face it if you look like Danny DeVito odds are you're not going to attract Charlize Theron or Gigi Hadid.

        There are two exceptions to this which are you're (rich) and she's a "gold digger" or she has had heart broken over and over again by dashingly handsome "knights" and "princes" which has caused her to date someone she doesn't consider to be (her) type for a change.

        Last but least I would say keep things in perspective. Everyone rejects people and also gets rejected. That's life!

        In order for (her/him) to have been "the one" (she/him) would have had to see (you) as being "the one". At the very least a "soulmate" is someone who actually wants to be with you! (And vice versa)

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