Jorge's relationship advice is based on experience and observation. He's seen many people—including himself—get seduced and hurt by love.
Falling in Love With a Gay Man
Love knows no bounds--not even the bounds of orientation. Many women find themselves in love with gay men, so the first thing you need to know is that you're not alone. You could fall in love with a variety of people, and it's natural that you will occasionally fall in love with someone unavailable.
How do you "fix this," though? Do you have any hope of turning him straight? Do you just have to focus on getting over it? Let's take a look at a few things that you might be able to do about it...but first:
When Loving Gay Men is a Problem
Some people are addicted to rejection. Is this you?
It may sound silly at first, but if you find that there's a constant pattern where you only seem interested in gay men (or men who are not attracted to you for some other reason), there could be a deeper problem. You might be subconsciously sabotaging yourself by choosing men who you know will reject you.
People do this all the time for a variety of reasons. Maybe you can't deal with the pain of real rejection, so you fall in love with people who have a good "excuse" to reject you and would never be interested in you in the first place. Maybe somewhere in the back of your mind, you think that you don't deserve love.
Examine yourself closely for these kinds of notions. They could be holding you back.
On the other hand, if your crush on a gay guy is a one-time thing, then it could just be an honest case of unrequited love. In that case, consider some of the suggestions below.
Try to Find Out If He Really is Gay
There's this guy that you really like. You want to be with him, and you were about to ask him out, but--damn it--one day you notice him checking out a guy. Maybe he mentioned that he finds a mutual male friend attractive. Maybe you were having a conversation and he complained about an ex-boyfriend.
You're out of luck because he's gay, right?
Not necessarily. Believe it or not, bisexual men do exist. Yes, bi women who explore each other's tonsils in public get all of the attention, but there are also men out there who enjoy both guys and girls. It could be that the guy you're crushing on is actually bi.
Some women are bothered or feel threatened by the fact that a guy likes other guys at all, and that's perfectly fine. If you don't mind, though, then give the connection a shot. Be upfront and tell the guy that you're interested.
If you're too shy, then you could start out by asking him conversationally if he only likes guys. At least then you can decide whether putting yourself out there might potentially be worth it.
Can You "Turn" Him Straight? No...and Yes
Many people who are faced with unrequited love try hard to figure out how to make the other person love them. It's no different when you're faced with a situation where the person's orientation doesn't work in your favor.
Are there women who have managed to cajole a gay man into a relationship, or even marriage? Yes.
Some gay men have no desire to be in a long-term relationship with another man, and would like to marry a woman and have kids. They may or may not continue to have sex with other men during this time. Are marriages like this a sham? Well, it really depends on whether all parties are being honest with each other. If the guy you're crushing on seems to want this and you wouldn't mind being in that kind of relationship, then I'm not one to judge.
Still, I would heavily advise against it. You can't really turn a gay man straight. Scientific study after scientific study has suggested that you can't change someone's orientation. A person's behavior can change, and people can certainly act against their orientation, but if you want a man to be physically attracted to you and driven wild by your body, then he has to be straight (if you're a woman).
The best you can do when you're sure that he's gay is to try to get over it as soon as possible. It is extremely unlikely that you'll be able to convince him to cross over to the straight side. (And even if you could, he would still be gay deep down.)
Mixed-orientation relationships tend to be rockier than usual, and it's no secret that men in these situations are probably more tempted to cheat. If he can't get his needs fulfilled with you, he'll probably turn elsewhere. Is that the kind of relationship that you want?
Unless you live for drama, it's probably best to find yourself a straight guy instead. You'll save yourself a lot of trouble.
In Love With a Gay Man?
Get Over It...Then Ask Him About His Straight Friends
Once you've exhausted every possibility, it's time to get over it. He's gay. There's nothing you can do.
The best way to get over someone is to move on quickly to someone else! This is especially true if there was never anything between you in the first place.
Since you really liked this guy, though, why not ask about his straight friends? People who are a lot alike tend to hang out together. Maybe you can find an attractive guy with a similar personality who is actually into women.
Instead of sulking over what could have been, be happy that you at least have a friendship with a great guy who could possibly be useful for your love life in other ways.
Change Your Technique
A lot of the women I've known who consistently fall in love with gay men often simply have a problem of a bad "technique" for picking up guys. For example, many women with this problem hang out at gay clubs all the time. No wonder they never seem to find a guy who is into them! Even if a straight man is wandering the halls of your favorite gay bar, he might seem unattractive compared to his better-dressed, impossibly ripped gay counterparts--so you might not even notice him.
If this is the case for you, I suggest making a conscious effort to visit places that are primarily for heterosexual people. Try out some speed dating or hang out at a straight club. If straight clubs are too bothersome for you because you don't like getting hit on...well, consider that you might not meet a guy if you don't allow yourself to be approached every once in awhile.
It's true that sexual orientation is more fluid than most people think. Having said that, though, you're much better off not waiting around for some guy who is clearly not attracted to women. This is easier said than done, though, so read this article about how to get over a crush if your feelings seem too persistent.
In the mean time, leave a comment below if you're struggling with this. Your story might help someone else in the same situation.
A Different Type of "Gay Marriage"
Questions & Answers
Question: He is 100% gay. I am a 100% straight woman. Why would he ask me out a few times?
Answer: Maybe he's not 100% gay like you thought; maybe he's only 99.9% gay. (Few people are 100% anything.) Maybe he's gay and still wants to date a woman for whatever reason. It could be anything.
Question: My 17-year-old daughter is best friends with a young man who is gay. They have a beautiful friendship and have enhanced each other's life, but he wants to live with her after high school. I am confused and don't know how I should approach this as a mother. Any advice?
Answer: There's nothing wrong with best friends living together; it's a time-honored tradition, and she'll probably have a lot of fun. And if it turns out that he's actually bi and likes her in "that way," I don't see the problem, either. As long as he continues to enhance her life as you say, you probably don't need to do anything to interfere. If you did, you would probably just breed needless resentment from the both of them.
© 2017 Jorge Vamos
Mona on April 20, 2019:
Well, my story is a complicated one. I've been with this guy for 4 years. He was my first love and I was his. But our relationship became toxic and we broke up. We both dated other people but we stayed connected every once in a while. A few months back we got much closer. We talk everyday and feel very comfortable with each other. So finally we ended up saying we have feelings for each other. The situation is complicated though since we are living in two different countries now and there is not a chance for us to even see each other in the next two years so we decided not to do anything about it. But then we still couldn't stop our feelings. However, he usually got weird when things get sexual and I had this background about him so I talked to him and asked him to consider if he's gay. He panicked and cried and etc but finally he admitted that he is. I was heart broken but then he kept telling me that he still loves me and wants to be with me. The whole thing was confusing to me but I said okay but then he told me that he lied and he doesn't love me. I even accepted that but I still cannot stop myself from falling for him and he keeps talking sweet to me and acting as my bf while he's not. The whole thing is just complicated and confusing and I don't know what to do. I don't want him out of my life because he's the only close person that I have right now and my life would fall apart if he's not there anymore (and apparently the same goes for him) but on the other hand I can feel myself falling for him while I know he is gay and cannot love me back.
Regrets on January 23, 2019:
I'm always being the only girl in a group of gay guy friends. Knowing very well that it is totally impossible to have any sexual or romantic relationship with them, i still love them like family members.
During my birthday, all of them gave me surprises after surprises and one of them even planned and execute a surprise that even all of my ex would never do for me. I was totally shocked and i guess i started to fall for him. i wanted to tell him that, i really appreciate what he did for me and give him a hug but didn't. And here i am, regretted.
Meisorun on December 22, 2018:
I have a gay friend who I liked before and I told him but he rejected me in a nice way. But before he dated a girl but now he likes anew guys although he thinks of me as a sister and I love him like a brother could it be possible that he is bi or we just love each other as kind of "siblings.
Dace on November 19, 2018:
There's this thing that i want to forget, when i met him i really thought that he was a straight guy. With that, i stalked him and all his social media accounts but eventually, my heart got broken. He is gay and he proves it to others. Once, i am against his will and if he do girly things i will hit him (although i know that's bad) but he just laugh like crazy. I asked him to do manly things but he failed,he even try to say "hi miss" to me, and yupp it was so manly like i am about to turn red.
But the thing is, we're still grade 7.
Abigaile on November 18, 2018:
I actually have too deep feelings for this gay man... He always wants to comfort me when I'm scared and also just laugh when I do hilarious things, I almost forgot that he's gay because he always hold my hand and even sing for me some songs that make me completely fall for him. I don't know how to confess, there was this time that I am angry and I shouted at him life ohmyGod what did I do?? I shouted at him because it was my period, menstruation came up. I didn't even talk to him whole day but when I got home he asked me on chat "Are you angry?" And I did not replied and again "I'm sorry" when he said that I feel like I'm about to explode and I said to myself 'hey stop, he's a gay and he will not like you'. The truth is, I accept him by who he is, I am not against his possession towards straight guys. I just love him.
Avery on November 01, 2018:
I have a big crush on a gay man. And he knows, I thought he was just being charming because he knows I will never turn him down since I like him. But one day I decided I gave up the feelings and stay away from him so I could move on easily. And that's when he started to always look for me, check me out, ask my friends about me and it confused me a hell lot. He seemed very into me now, but I am still unsure because everybody knows he is gay and he liked guys before. I swear I did my best to stay away from him but whenever I am about to get used to it without him, he will find his way back to me. I don't know what to do. Please help.
Lee on August 26, 2018:
I am in a relationship with a gay man and it is working. We are open and honest with one another. Our sex life is different than most hetero couples and we use toys. He has a free pass to be with a man. Two years later, he hasn't used it. We are best friends first and sex comes second. Intimacy is present. I wouldn't change it.
Eva Kent on July 28, 2018:
I don't quite understand why women are supposed to feel that all their relationships must lead to marriage or some kind of pairing/coupling. If one happens to be in love with or have a crush on a gay man, why can't one simply enjoy him for what he is without labeling the relationship? If he is fun to be with, then one should be with him, if possible, and maintain other relationships with hetero men (or women, depending on one's orientation). One should not make him the focus and be-all of one's existence, of course, but one can have fun with him.
Candice on July 28, 2018:
My ex-boyfriend is a gay guy and I was aware of it even when we were still together and it was fine with me. I broke my heart when we went separated. And here I am again falling in love with another gay guy, but this time I don't think I can have him for my own and it's breaking me again. I just happen to be always attracted to gay guys. Like they really turn me on.
Majesty on July 24, 2018:
Amm!!!so im datin or lemmi say just started datin this handsome ,hot guy buh it turned out that he be gay an that hit me so hard and it broke my heart . So wat i dont understand is that why does he wants to change now ? Am scared for him to cheat on me with a gay dude . He told me several times that he wont cheat n wont think about a guy couse he got me now .. buh still am soo scared to be cheated on . What should i do i love him ,he loves me and he wants a baby with me
annisa on July 15, 2018:
so, i met this guy he is so nice, friendly and handsome. the way he talks and the way his eyes looks at people, its obviously that hes gay. but because hes very nice, he hugs me all the time, did everything thats very sweet, but i knew he also hug everyone else hhahaha. but still its very romantic for me. so even at my first time saw him, im already distracted by how gorgeous and handsome and kind and everything good about him. soon i found out that i fell in love with him very hard. one night me and my friends have deep conversation with him and he is being honest with all of us and confess that he's 100% gay, he even said he cant married a woman. we were like just listened to his story about his feeling towards guy and cant like a woman. and he said he will feel bad if theres a woman that liked him in a "boyfriend" thing. and maybe in that time he knew, that i feel in love with him, so that he talk about this topic. idk. its very complicated in real, because my feeling towards him is very deep. but i cant do anything:((((
Jorge Vamos (author) on May 16, 2018:
Dear Mixed Feelings:
Maybe he, you know, wants to be friends so he stays in contact with you every once in awhile.
Mixed Feelings on May 15, 2018:
So I've like this guy for awhile but one day I've found out that he's gay and I was so shocked and sadden by it. But I've decided to gather my courage and confess my feelings to him despite knowing he's gay. And surprisingly, all he did was to reply: "I'm sorry, maybe if I'm not (gay) , then it might be possible." and after that conversation, we still continue to talk and hang out as if nothing has happened between us. I like this relationship between the both of us. But the weird thing is that he would sometimes randomly massage me out of nowhere like 15 days after our last convo, and I'm quite confused at his actions. What exactly is he trying to do by doing that? Is not like he's trying to make me his girlfriend cause it's not possible. So why does he do all that?
Brokenhearted on May 02, 2018:
So I've fallen in love with my gay best friend, I compare him to every other guy and he's the one I choose, I want to spend every second of every day with him, the thing is he's never actually been with a guy so it's confusing as to why he says he's gay! Everywhere we go people ask how long have yall been together or y'all are such a cute couple, and he doesn't deny it! He even acts like we are together!! I'm so confused! I love him more than anything in life!!
Confusion on May 01, 2018:
In my musical, one of the guys who plays the lead is gay and always making me blush, laugh, and smile! Almost everytime he talks to me, he ends up trying to make me laugh or compliments something about me. Once I finally went, “It seems you like EVERYTHING about me!” And he smiled and told me it’s cause I’m a great person and I always look nice. So, he does so many things that make me blush and smile and just feel special! But he’s actually gay, so it disappoints me...
joy on April 07, 2018:
so i met a guy that happens to be a gay in our org. i like him so i confessed even tho i know he likes my guy friend. he told me he was okay with that. but the day after, he became so distant. i get it that we're not that close even before but he can't even look at me! so i was so shock when one day, after our meeting with our other orgmates, he talked to me and said,"congrats!" then pulled me into a hug! he never did that before. i mean, we're not close and i didn't saw him hugging our other orgmates (whom he are more close of) to congratulate them. IM. THE. ONLY. ONE. so i cant help to assume that maybe there's a chance becoz he said that he want to marry a girl someday and maybe i cam be that girl? lol.
Sadness on March 12, 2018:
I like my gay bestfriend and I told him and he was ok he said are you fr and I said Yea and he said you serious I said Yea but its like it was more funny then heart breaking he told me pussy is werid to him I was too dead but he was still being serious. when I told him we were going to have to stop being friends because I couldn't stand to be by him because it would be awkward he freaked out and said Noooo! I don't wanna stop being friends and I said well I have too and he said girl no if I have to hunt your ass down were going to be friends forever bitch... too dead
banans on March 10, 2018:
okay so like i’m friends with this guy who claims he’s gay but he always like grabs my boobs and my ass when we’re alone. then he tried to kiss me and i figured it was a joke but he seemed kind of serious about it and im really confused because i feel like i may have caught feelings.
Me & Mye on October 10, 2017:
Never ever go in another woman's home and then mess with her boyfriend.
There are rules of etiquette that are nonnegotiable respect levels that can have dire consequences for cruel treatment of someone in their private residence.
For example, never hurt someone in their own comfort zone unless you want to spend the next few years being hounded by scalpers.