Help! I'm in Love With a Gay Man! (What to Do When You're a Woman With a Taste for Gay Guys)
Falling in Love With a Gay Man
Love knows no bounds--not even the bounds of orientation. Many women find themselves in love with gay men, so the first thing you need to know is that you're not alone. You could fall in love with a variety of people, and it's natural that you will occasionally fall in love with someone unavailable.
How do you "fix this," though? Do you have any hope of turning him straight? Do you just have to focus on getting over it? Let's take a look at a few things that you might be able to do about it...but first:
When Loving Gay Men is a Problem
Some people are addicted to rejection. Is this you?
It may sound silly at first, but if you find that there's a constant pattern where you only seem interested in gay men (or men who are not attracted to you for some other reason), there could be a deeper problem. You might be subconsciously sabotaging yourself by choosing men who you know will reject you.
People do this all the time for a variety of reasons. Maybe you can't deal with the pain of real rejection, so you fall in love with people who have a good "excuse" to reject you and would never be interested in you in the first place. Maybe somewhere in the back of your mind, you think that you don't deserve love.
Examine yourself closely for these kinds of notions. They could be holding you back.
On the other hand, if your crush on a gay guy is a one-time thing, then it could just be an honest case of unrequited love. In that case, consider some of the suggestions below.
Try to Find Out If He Really is Gay
There's this guy that you really like. You want to be with him, and you were about to ask him out, but--damn it--one day you notice him checking out a guy. Maybe he mentioned that he finds a mutual male friend attractive. Maybe you were having a conversation and he complained about an ex-boyfriend.
You're out of luck because he's gay, right?
Not necessarily. Believe it or not, bisexual men do exist. Yes, bi women who explore each other's tonsils in public get all of the attention, but there are also men out there who enjoy both guys and girls. It could be that the guy you're crushing on is actually bi.
Some women are bothered or feel threatened by the fact that a guy likes other guys at all, and that's perfectly fine. If you don't mind, though, then give the connection a shot. Be upfront and tell the guy that you're interested.
If you're too shy, then you could start out by asking him conversationally if he only likes guys. At least then you can decide whether putting yourself out there might potentially be worth it.
Can You "Turn" Him Straight? No...and Yes
Many people who are faced with unrequited love try hard to figure out how to make the other person love them. It's no different when you're faced with a situation where the person's orientation doesn't work in your favor.
Are there women who have managed to cajole a gay man into a relationship, or even marriage? Yes.
Some gay men have no desire to be in a long-term relationship with another man, and would like to marry a woman and have kids. They may or may not continue to have sex with other men during this time. Are marriages like this a sham? Well, it really depends on whether all parties are being honest with each other. If the guy you're crushing on seems to want this and you wouldn't mind being in that kind of relationship, then I'm not one to judge.
Still, I would heavily advise against it. You can't really turn a gay man straight. Scientific study after scientific study has suggested that you can't change someone's orientation. A person's behavior can change, and people can certainly act against their orientation, but if you want a man to be physically attracted to you and driven wild by your body, then he has to be straight (if you're a woman).
The best you can do when you're sure that he's gay is to try to get over it as soon as possible. It is extremely unlikely that you'll be able to convince him to cross over to the straight side. (And even if you could, he would still be gay deep down.)
Mixed-orientation relationships tend to be rockier than usual, and it's no secret that men in these situations are probably more tempted to cheat. If he can't get his needs fulfilled with you, he'll probably turn elsewhere. Is that the kind of relationship that you want?
Unless you live for drama, it's probably best to find yourself a straight guy instead. You'll save yourself a lot of trouble.
In Love With a Gay Man?
Have you ever fallen in love with a guy who turned out to be gay?
Get Over It...Then Ask Him About His Straight Friends
Once you've exhausted every possibility, it's time to get over it. He's gay. There's nothing you can do.
The best way to get over someone is to move on quickly to someone else! This is especially true if there was never anything between you in the first place.
Since you really liked this guy, though, why not ask about his straight friends? People who are a lot alike tend to hang out together. Maybe you can find an attractive guy with a similar personality who is actually into women.
Instead of sulking over what could have been, be happy that you at least have a friendship with a great guy who could possibly be useful for your love life in other ways.
Change Your Technique
A lot of the women I've known who consistently fall in love with gay men often simply have a problem of a bad "technique" for picking up guys. For example, many women with this problem hang out at gay clubs all the time. No wonder they never seem to find a guy who is into them! Even if a straight man is wandering the halls of your favorite gay bar, he might seem unattractive compared to his better-dressed, impossibly ripped gay counterparts--so you might not even notice him.
If this is the case for you, I suggest making a conscious effort to visit places that are primarily for heterosexual people. Try out some speed dating or hang out at a straight club. If straight clubs are too bothersome for you because you don't like getting hit on...well, consider that you might not meet a guy if you don't allow yourself to be approached every once in awhile.
It's true that sexual orientation is more fluid than most people think. Having said that, though, you're much better off not waiting around for some guy who is clearly not attracted to women. This is easier said than done, though, so read this article about how to get over a crush if your feelings seem too persistent.
In the mean time, leave a comment below if you're struggling with this. Your story might help someone else in the same situation.
A Different Type of "Gay Marriage"
Would you ever marry a man, knowing that he was gay?
Questions & Answers
He is 100% gay. I am a 100% straight woman. Why would he ask me out a few times?
Maybe he's not 100% gay like you thought; maybe he's only 99.9% gay. (Few people are 100% anything.) Maybe he's gay and still wants to date a woman for whatever reason. It could be anything.Helpful 48
My 17-year-old daughter is best friends with a young man who is gay. They have a beautiful friendship and have enhanced each other's life, but he wants to live with her after high school. I am confused and don't know how I should approach this as a mother. Any advice?
There's nothing wrong with best friends living together; it's a time-honored tradition, and she'll probably have a lot of fun. And if it turns out that he's actually bi and likes her in "that way," I don't see the problem, either. As long as he continues to enhance her life as you say, you probably don't need to do anything to interfere. If you did, you would probably just breed needless resentment from the both of them.Helpful 33
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