John Hollywood writes about pop culture with a psychological twist; his articles are practical in nature with a "how-to" approach.
Gay dating has always been sort of tricky.
3 Pre-Dating Hurdles
- First, there’s the issue of figuring out if there’s a mutual attraction.
- Second, there is the entire matter of compatibility in the bedroom. Here we are talking about who prefers to do what and if that person is any good at it. Let’s be real—that's an important thing to a lot of gay men!
- Third, both guys need to figure out if the interest level goes beyond a mere hookup. In other words, “Is there a real desire to build something meaningful here?”
The Observational Phase of Dating
Once you move past the three big pre-dating hurdles, you slip into the world of observational dating. This is where things become really interesting because, during this phase, you have the opportunity to test the mettle of the man and see if the guy is a good fit. Is he emotionally available, for example?
Observational dating involves checking out the dude’s behaviors during time spent together and assessing what the heck you are dealing with. Usually, during the observation phase, no relational commitment is made. Instead, things are kept casual, which allows either party the freedom to call it quits should they so desire.
But what exactly are the gay dating warning signs?
10 Types of Gay Men You Want to Avoid
What follows are 10 types of guys gay men never want to date, based on different personality characteristics. These 10 types were defined by observations and commentary collected in an unscientific online survey, plus the input of a few experts in the field of gay couples counseling.
Disclaimer: This list is not exhaustive and may or may not apply to your situation. Think of these as general guidelines rather than hard-and-fast rules. Additionally, for every negative characteristic listed here, there are positive things you should consider. The point, however, is help you figure out the ones you absolutely don’t want to deal with.
Are you ready? Let’s jump right in!
1. The Cheapskate
Cheapskates usually rear their penny-pinching heads early in the dating process. Typically, this type of gay man will make no effort to reach for their wallet and almost expects that you pay for outings, like dinners and movies.
When they are placed in a situation where they must pay for something, they often nickel and dime it to the point that it takes all joy out of whatever is planned.
The difference between a cheapskate and someone who is frugal is that cheapskates opt for “cheap” or “free” over quality, despite having the resources to pay.
Common cheapskate remarks & behaviors include. . .
- “That’s just too expensive”
- “I forgot my wallet”
- “I don’t have enough money on me”
- Avoiding group outings because they cost money.
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2. The Prima Donna
Prima donnas are perhaps one of the biggest personality types you want to avoid as a gay man. These particular individuals are overly fussy, narcissistic, and self-important. Usually, they make it to the observational dating stage by using charm coupled with good looks, which are used to pull an unsuspecting gay man into their world of “fans.”
This type of gay man makes it all about them and simply must be the center of attention wherever they go. Likely, they will not ask about what’s going on with you, your life, or your family.
Common narcissistic behaviors include. . .
- Creating spectacles that bring all the focus of attention to them
- Being super picky about clothing and grooming products
- Wearing clothing designed to garner attention from others
- Thrive on receiving the attention of others
- Holds little regard for your feelings, wants, desires, or needs
- Unable to emphasize or sympathize
- Feels you and the world owe them something
- Uses the words "Me" and "I" frequently.
3. The Player
Players can be difficult to spot at first because, like the narcissistic prima donna, they use charm and good looks to suck in their prey. Players give the vibe of being casual and easy-going, which can be powerfully magnetic, given how many gay men are attracted to this type of energy.
Players however can be spotted fairly quickly by closely examining their words and through observing their interactions with others.
Common player characteristics and behaviors:
- Constantly flirty with strangers
- Facebook photos almost always show them at nightclubs
- Secretive about their whereabouts and slippery with details
- They seem to have a lot of “ex” boyfriends
- Multiple profiles on various gay hookup apps.
4. The Party Dude/Drunk
This is another type of guy you want to avoid for serious dating. In the gay world, the use of alcohol and certain other types of party favors is not uncommon. And it is important to state that just because someone uses alcohol or “parties” from time to time doesn’t make them un-datable. However, when you have a situation where the guy needs to constantly liquor up or use something else in order to have fun or enjoy intimacy, you are likely dealing with the party dude/drunk.
Common party dude/drunk behaviors:
- Can’t go on a date anywhere unless alcohol is somehow involved
- Requires the use of a substance in order to become intimate
- Gets upset if you offer resistance to using alcohol or other substances
- Can’t emotionally “connect” unless alcohol or substances are involved.
- Displays irresponsible behaviors as a result of substance abuse
5. The Dating Junky
Dating junkies are gay men who get all caught up in the “newness” of dating you but as soon as things start to get serious, they drop you like a hot potato.
Dating junkies thrive on perpetually being in a state of going out on new dates or meeting new people. They never hang around long enough to see if something long-term can develop because they think “something better” might be out there.
Dating junky common behaviors:
- Pull away after several dates claiming “We’re moving too fast”
- Has little or no long-term relationship history with others
- Comes in hot and heavy and then fades away for no apparent reason
- Will often claim, “I never seem to meet the right guy.”
6. The Drama Queen
In the gay world of dating, drama queens are not that difficult to spot. In fact, they are super simple to detect because of their overt nature. Drama queens are addicted to chaos, confusion, and indecision. They are quick to overreact, take things way too personally and make everything a crisis.
How to spot a drama queen:
When they are not making mountains out of molehills, they are inserting themselves into other people’s chaos or worse, pulling you into their world of craziness. In many ways, drama queens are addicted to the non-stop emotional roller coaster of highs and lows and experience few periods of stability. Enough said.
7. The Self-Loather
Self-loathing gay men are very difficult to date. They have a chip inside of them that for whatever reason makes them think they need to deny who they are. Characteristically, self-loathers claim to not be like “other gay men” and over-emphasize masculinity to the point that it can be a turn-off. Self-loathers avoid any hint of public displays of affection (PDA) and constantly need to distance themselves from anything that may be remotely seen as “gay.”
Common self-loathing behaviors:
- Have a need to say others constantly mistake them as “straight”
- Brags about having girlfriends in the past (i.e. high school)
- Refuse to be around other “gay” people
- May use substances to avoid self-reflection about being gay.
8. The User
Users can initially be hard to spot. Part of the identification problem involves their unique ability to skate by in life, mostly getting by on a combination of good looks and charm.
Other obstacles to user identification relate to their uncanny ability to make you feel like you are the center of their world, which obfuscates the reality of what is really going on—they have targeted you because of your perceived financial stability.
Users do not like to work and often have low-paying, low-level jobs (if they work at all). Users should not be confused with cheapskates however because cheapskates at least have the financial resources to support themselves.
9. The Overachiever
This particular type of guy may at first glance seem like someone you want to date. Commonly, overachievers do fit the bill for a number of desirable traits, such as financial stability, assertiveness, and intelligence. The problem with overachievers, however, is they usually are never around and when they are, they often obsess over their job or privately owned business.
Overachievers characteristically have the need to be the absolute best at everything they do. This need however comes at a cost in the personal relationship department. Of all of the typologies mentioned here, overachievers may be the best choice out of other “bad.” If you are looking for a guy to settle down with who is never around, the overachiever is your guy.
Warning—this person will likely suffer from health problems as they age, including heart and gastrointestinal issues because of cumulative stress!
10. The Body Image Dude
The body image dude is perhaps one of the easiest to identify on this list of 10 Types of guys you never want to date. Body image dudes characteristically have problems with their personal appearance, obsessively spending hours in front of the mirror and fretting about how they “look”.
Many of these guys suffer from low self-esteem and compensate for this problem by over-emphasizing their physical presence. This is usually accomplished by spending hours at the gym, using growth-enhancing substances, and generally making everyone around them miserable because of their special “dietary” needs.
Entering into a relationship with the body image dude is like stepping into a town called crazy. For example, the body image dude will refuse to engage in intimacy if the lights are on and may refuse any type of physical closeness if they have to take their shirt off. Yep, these guys exist and there is a good chance you probably have encountered one or more of them before.
Dating Types to Avoid
The 10 personality types offered here speak in generalities and certainly do not represent the entirety of gay men. To be fair, many of the characteristics presented in this article apply to straight men as well.
These general traits however are important to be mindful of. You don’t want to date a guy, at least in the long term sense, if they are one (or more) of the types that appear here.
And it is completely possible for a dude to occupy several of these “types” all at once. Should you involved with someone like that, you really have problems.
So there you have it – the 10 types of gay men you never want to date. Now go out and find your dream man!