John Hollywood writes about pop culture with a psychological twist; his articles are practical in nature with a "how-to" approach.
10 Types of Gay Men to Avoid
Gay dating has always been sort of tricky. First, there’s the issue of figuring out if there’s a mutual attraction.
Second, there is the entire matter of compatibility in the bedroom. Here we are talking about who prefers to do what and if that person is any good at it. Let’s be real – that’s an important thing to a lot of gay men!
Third, both guys need to figure out if the interest level goes beyond a mere hookup. In other words:
“Is there a real desire to build something meaningful here?”
Once you move past the three big pre-dating hurdles, you slip into the world of observational dating.
This is where things become really interesting because during this phase, you have the opportunity to test the mettle of the man and see it the guy is a good fit. Is he emotionally available for example?
Observational dating involves checking out the dude’s behaviors during time spent together and assessing what the heck you are dealing with. Usually during the observation phase, no relational commitment is made. Instead, things are kept casual, which allows either party the freedom to call it quits should they so desire.
But what exactly are the gay dating warning signs?
10 Types of Gay Men You Never Want to Date
What follows are 10 types of guys gay men never want to date, based on different personality characteristics. These “10 types” were created through observations and commentary collected in an unscientific web survey, plus the input of a few experts in the field of gay couples counseling.
Disclaimer: This list is not exhaustive and may or may not apply to your situation. Think of these as general characteristics rather than hard and fast rules. Additionally, for every negative characteristic listed here there are positive traits you should consider. The point however of this article is help you figure out the ones you absolutely don’t want to deal with.
To help visually illustrate the 10 types, we’ve included an infographic.
Are you ready – let’s jump right in!
1. The Cheapskate
Cheapskates usually rear their penny pinching heads early in the dating process. Typically, this type of gay man will make no effort to reach for their wallet and almost expects that you pay for outings, like dinners and movies.
When they are placed in a situation where they must pay for something, they often nickel and dime it to the point that it takes all joy out of whatever is planned.
The difference between a cheapskate and someone who is frugal is that cheapskates opt for “cheap” or “free” over quality, despite having the resources to pay.
Common cheapskate remarks & behaviors include:
- “That’s just too expensive”
- “I forgot my wallet”
- “I don’t have enough money on me”
- Avoiding group outings because they cost money
2. Prima Donna
Prima Donnas are perhaps one of the biggest personality types you want to avoid as a gay man.
These particular individuals are overly fussy, narcissistic and self-important.
Usually, they make it to the observational dating stage by using charm, coupled with good looks, which are used to pull an unsuspecting gay man into their world of “fans”.
This type of gay man makes it all about them and simply must be the center of attention wherever they go.
Likely, they will not ask about what’s going on with you, your life or your family.
Common Narcissistic Pre-Madonna behaviors include:
- Creating spectacles that brings the focus of attention to them
- Being super picky about clothing and grooming products
- Wearing clothing designed to garner attention from others
- Thrive on receiving the attention of others
- Holds little regard for your feelings, wants, desires or needs.
- Unable to emphasize or sympathize
- Feels you and the world owe them something
- Uses the words "Me" and "I" frequently
3. The Player
Players can be difficult to spot at first because like the narcissistic pre-madonna, they use charm and good looks to suck in their prey. Players give the vibe of being casual and easy going, which can be powerfully magnetic, given how many gay men are attracted to this type of energy.
Players however can be spotted fairly quickly by closely examining their words and through observing their interactions with others.
Common player characteristics and behaviors:
- Constantly flirty with strangers
- Facebook photos almost always show them at nightclubs
- Secretive about their whereabouts and slippery with details
- They seem to have a lot of “ex” boyfriends
- Multiple profiles on various gay hookup apps.
4. The Party Dude/Drunk
This is another type of guy you want to avoid for serious dating. In the gay world, use of alcohol and certain types of party favors is not uncommon. And it is important to state that just because someone uses alcohol or “parties” from time to time doesn’t make them un-datable. However, when you have situation where the guy needs to constantly liquor up or use something else in order to have fun or enjoy intimacy, you are likely dealing with the party dude/drunk.
Common party dude/drunk behaviors:
- Can’t go on a date anywhere unless alcohol is somehow involved
- Requires the use of a substance in order to become intimate
- Gets upset if you offer resistance to using alcohol or other substances
- Can’t emotionally “connect” unless alcohol or substances are involved
- Displays irresponsible behaviors as a result of substance abuse
5. The Dating Junky
Dating junkies are gay men who get all caught up in the “newness” of dating you but as soon as things start to get serious, they drop you like a hot potato.
Dating junkies thrive on perpetually being in a state of going out on new dates or meeting new people. They never hang around long enough to see if something long-term can develop because they think “something better” might be out there.
Dating junky common behaviors:
- Pull away after several dates claiming “We’re moving too fast”.
- Has little or no long-term relationship history with others.
- Comes in hot and heavy and “fade away” for no apparent reason.
- Will often claim, “I never seem to meet the right guy”.
Dating Types to Avoid
6. The Drama Queen
In the gay world of dating, drama queens are not that difficult to spot. In fact, they are super simple to detect because of their overt nature. Drama queens are addicted to chaos, confusion and indecision. They are quick to overreact, take things way too personally and make everything a crisis.
When they are not making mountains out of molehills, they are inserting themselves into other people’s chaos or worse, pulling you into their world of craziness. In many ways, drama queens are addicted to the non-stop emotional roller coaster of highs and lows and experiences few periods of stability. Enough said.
7. The Self-Loather
Self-loathing gay men are very difficult to date. They have a chip inside of them that for whatever reasons makes them think they need to deny who they are. Characteristically, self-loathers claim to not be like “other gay men” and over emphasize masculinity to the point that it can be a turn off. Self-loathers avoid any hint of public displays of affection (PDA) and constantly need to distance themselves from anything that may be remotely seen as “gay”.
Common self-loather behaviors:
- Have a need to say others constantly mistake them as “straight”
- Brags about having girlfriends in the past (i.e. high school)
- Refuse to be around other “gay” people
- May use substances to avoid self-reflection about being gay.
8. The User
Users can initially be hard to spot. Part of the identification problem involves their unique ability to skate by in life, mostly getting by on combination of good looks and charm.
Other obstacles to user identification relate to their uncanny ability to make you feel like you are the center of their world, which obfuscates the reality of what is really going on – they have targeted you because of your perceived financial stability.
Users do not like to work and often have low-paying, low level jobs (if they work at all). Users should not be confused with cheap-skates however because cheapskates at least have the financial resources to support themselves.
9. The Overachiever
This particular type of guy may at first glance seem like someone you want to date. Commonly, overachievers do fit the bill for a number of desirable traits, such as financial stability, assertiveness and intelligence. The problem with overachievers, however, is they usually are never around and when they are, they often obsess over their job or privately owned business.
Overachievers characteristically have the need to be the absolute best at everything they do. This need however comes at a cost in the personal relationship department. Of all of the typologies mentioned here, overachievers may be the best choice out of other “bad”. If you are looking for a guy to settle down with and who is never around, the overachiever is your guy.
Warning – this person will likely suffer from health problems as they age, including heart and gastrointestinal issues because of cumulative stress!
10. The Body Image Dude
The body image dude is perhaps one of the easiest to identify on this list of 10 Types of guys you never want to date. Body image dudes characteristically have problems with their personal appearance, obsessively spending hours in front of the mirror and fretting about how they “look”.
Many of these guys suffer from low self-esteem and compensate for this problem by over emphasizing the physical presence. This is usually accomplished by spending hours at the gym, using growth enhancing substances and generally making everyone around them miserable because of their special “dietary” needs.
Entering into a relationship with the body image dude is like stepping into a town called crazy. For example, the body image dude will refuse to engage in intimacy if the lights are on and may refuse to any type of physical closeness if they have to take their shirt off. Yep, these guys exist and there is a good chance you probably have encountered one or more of them before.
The 10 personality types offered here speak in generalities and certainly do not represent the entirety of gay men. To be fair, many of the characteristics presented in this article apply to straight men as well.
These general traits however are important to be mindful of. You don’t want to date a guy, at least in the long term sense, if they are one (or more) of the types that appear here.
And it is completely possible for a dude to occupy several of these “types” all at once. Should you involved with someone like that, you really have problems.
So there you have it – the 10 types of gay men you never want to date. Now go out and find your dream man!
Tom on December 01, 2019:
“The User” is described well in this article , but can be expanded on. I dated a “user” for a year, but he used me in the sense that he just wanted someone to hang out with while he went on dates behind my back in search of “the one”. It was a very bad experience and ended badly. I still feel the sting from it, and it’s been awhile since the break up.
JohnPirow on October 20, 2019:
These traits scare me man ....wish I could read about a nice personality ! Being gay should be about sexual orientation, not psycho disfunction. ..ouch
tim on September 22, 2019:
prima donna describes the effects of isolation.
all of this is subjective of course
JakeTheSnake_21 on September 11, 2019:
This should be about highlighting and warning people of these specific behaviors, and not to label or make these kinds of people seem 'difficult to date'. Everyone has flaws, it's merely how they are handled. Unfortunately, as I've run into men that fit under these terms used, I try to keep an open mind.
Also, it's formally known as 'prima donna' not 'pre-Madonna'. (I know this, thanks to "Primadonna" by Marina and The Diamonds).
Ihaiah on September 01, 2019:
This is the entire gay community! Who is left to date?
Edward Jackson on July 30, 2018:
Too bad we didn't have this head's up before we set out finding these human trainwrecks, in the first place.
BamBam on January 14, 2018:
Well I'm none of those the only problem I faced in the LGBT community is the fact that these guys don't even want to give me a try because I'm black
Rex Rickkre on July 28, 2017:
John Hollywood, that was so true what you said about some of the gay men. Why I say this? I was with one for seven years until I told him to hit the road. Mine was the type of man that was gay as a 33 dollar bill, but had to be drunk first to admit it. When he was sober, his whole personality changed. It was like he was a totally different man. He would not say a word to anyone while sober to the point I thought and others thought he was socially retarded. When he started drinking, you could not shut him up. He became extremely passionate, actually the life of the party. Then the next day back to the other person that was so shy, that people often ask him if he was ill. So yes your right on and I had one and no thank you John Hollywood don't want another one. Again thanks for the important information. Rex.
bradchad on January 23, 2017:
Been there, done that
J on October 06, 2016:
looks like I'm undateable, I'm the complete mix between drunk and date junkie, with a little of overachiever and just a bit of pre- madonna. -_-
Elias on September 02, 2016:
Just wanted to say that it's a bit unfair telling people that they shouldn't date guys who aren't fully comfortable with how they look. Only because someone doesn't want to take his shirt off because he fears he might be judged or simply doesn't feel comfortable doesn't mean he is a bad person who you shouldn't date.
ToMuchInfo on July 28, 2016:
Buyer beware, I fit into a few of the categories above....so be it. You left out judgmental close minded guy who is quick the to label everyone and pretend that he is above it all. This is the guy will point out everyones imperfections and even write articles on the subject because according to them, there is nothing bad about themselves.
Joe on July 15, 2016:
I found your article to be very informative. I finally understand who i have been dating. Thank you so much.
John Hollywood (author) from Hollywood, CA on June 23, 2016:
@mediicineman. Why don't you write something yourself? Easy to criticize. It's another thing to actually write. Now enjoy your day, ya hear? Buy bye!
Wooly on June 23, 2016:
Never dated, but using this to try and characterise myself to figure out where I stand in the whole gay image thing, I realise I don't really fit into any of these. I don't really know how to feel now. I'm responsible with money, but not a cheapskate. I don't like attention at all cause I guess I have social anxiety. I need the emotional side satisfied before being attracted to a guy enough to want something significant. I don't go out, at all. Occasionally with a mate once a month. I haven't dated before. I hate drama as it is to much time and energy gone to waste. I accept my flaws and try to build upon them and change. I only keep people around me if they build me up, I don't think that's using, more that there's no point in having or being around someone that your of no use to. Ive managed to achieve a degree and stuff and constantly aim to get better, but not to be the best. And I aim to lead a healthy lifestyle and try to stay in shape to an extent but not so much so that its my life. I'm also 21, Indian and and have been openly gay since I was 17.
Just wondering what does this mean then if I don't fall into any of these categories? Or if I do, which one/ones do I fall into and how could I improve on myself? So confused.............
medicineman on May 16, 2016:
Its well written and lengthy but kind of comes off as superficial. I mean those traits are obviously visible no-no's which anyone can spot on in less than a day's worth of interaction. I was probably looking for more depth i guess. Things everyone would easily miss out on. Like tell me something I don't know.
Bitch on November 02, 2015:
So It must be really difficult to you to find a guy. Because you're a mix of at least 3 of those types. You're creating stereotypes, but you forgot you're the first stereotype every gay men want to avoid: the self proclamed mister perfect, implying he's a sort of leader but never saying it because it conveys a bad image. The type of guy who think he's in rigth to decide who is to avoid, and wath everyone needs.
Your narrow minded vision of the world only belong to you, so don't speak as if you're telling us a bible.
No-one likes Georgina Georges.
Richard Lopez on October 28, 2015:
The term is "prima donna", not "pre-Madonna". An Italian word for first lady; a diva, not an era of time before Madonna.
Ivan on July 05, 2015:
This is sad as most gay men fit into onevircseveral of these slots.
Ace Smith on June 20, 2015:
My question is where does a college student living on financial aid because of taking 16 + credit hours of classes fit into this category? people who live off of financial aid often have tight budgets and can't afford to pay for a lot of the "dates" you claim that cheapskates don't want to pay for. Is it so bad to do something free or something that is within a budget? While I do think that there is truth to a lot of these traits, there are a lot that attenuate from a persons unique situations.
John Hollywood (author) from Hollywood, CA on April 24, 2015:
There are a few
Corriea Mattina from Moon Beach, New York on April 23, 2015:
4/23/15 8:24p HubPages 10 Types of Guys You Never Want to Date John Hollywood The List encompasses a lot of Men and I do recognize some of the usual suspects but I wonder are there Any Men left to even approach for maybe a ''Hey..."
poetryman6969 on March 26, 2015:
Too much overlap with what I avoid in a straight woman. Don't tell them I said that!
Since many if not most of us cannot abide drama queens of whatever nationality, type, etc. is there away to create a secret garden for them?
For any who are unaware of the concept of a "secret garden" certain forums and websites supposedly keep a special place just for spammers and bots. So the bots and spammers spend all their time talking to each other and never know that no real human sees what they do.
John Hollywood (author) from Hollywood, CA on January 25, 2015:
Warren, I'm glad you liked!
warren on January 24, 2015:
I think you should add, "He has 2000 facebook friends who are all musclebears and look just like him, and no other type of friends." Most likely-PLAYER!
warren on January 23, 2015:
It's refreshing to see articles like this geared toward gay men. I have seen so many gay men hurt and even destroyed because of these type of guys. Most people (that includes MEN, GAY MEN) want to love and be loved. The issue now: finding that other man who wants to love and be love...and share the responsibility of love. Yes, to love is to be response able.
John Hollywood (author) from Hollywood, CA on January 09, 2015:
Thanks for stopping by Cardisa! You made some great points here and yep, these can apply to the ladies for sure!
Carolee Samuda from Jamaica on January 08, 2015:
This list also goes for women and which men to avoid dating! You are right about the overachiever, he might be the only one worth dating on this list because of his stability. Yet, he might make you feel like a failure because he's so competitive.
I 'm thinking that number four might have problems with his identity and coming to terms with being gay, hence using alcohol all the time, even for intimacy.
Dan on November 07, 2014:
Invaluable for a newbe! Often get confused about guys, especially when get butterflies with them. This page certainly makes sense who not to waste one's energy on. Bless.
Gus on October 31, 2014:
..its not easy to be gay in such preconcived USA,first, just by coming out as gay, there you have it. alll the stereotypes of the world...by the heterosexual world
there is one thing FOR SURE americans are good for, and its STEREOTYPES....
oh by the way. im a gay dude from central america...wonder where do i fit through the stereotypical glass of the all mighty American Empire...
John Hollywood (author) from Hollywood, CA on October 20, 2014:
Yes - thanks!
Rick on October 20, 2014:
I think you guys meant "Prima Donna" NOT "pre-madona" LOL
John Hollywood (author) from Hollywood, CA on October 17, 2014:
I agree Maximum! Sadly, we have a lot of people who don't understand this!
Maximum A on October 17, 2014:
Sure, gobblegobble, no one's perfect, but it's not an excuse for users to use people, or for people to go on dates, but then drop their date when they get bored. One doesn't have to have "some false sense of perfection" to look for someone who won't USE them! NO ONE wants that.
John Hollywood (author) from Hollywood, CA on October 16, 2014:
Well gobble gobble! :)
gobblegobble on October 16, 2014:
Pure trash, all this article achieves is perpetuate an unobtainable ideal no one is that perfect. Everyone has a personality specific to them, all these articles do is pander to shallow people who go out searchong for some false sense of perfection, when they shoild probably take a better look at their own personaility first.
John Hollywood (author) from Hollywood, CA on September 28, 2014:
I am glad you enjoyed. Thanks for stopping by!! :)
FabDude on September 28, 2014:
Thanks a lot for this amazing write up..I can not stop laughing at how true i have been a victim of users and self loathers!
For now, i rather meet over achievers..
Awesom on September 15, 2014:
No comment just awesome true stories.
John Hollywood (author) from Hollywood, CA on September 02, 2014:
Thanks, Desi! I appreciate you stopping by and thanks for sharing and for the offer!
Desi Gay on September 01, 2014:
Hi, I enjoyed reading your article and I have a blog with the name desigaylife do t c o m. I find your article very refreshing and touching the key points and taking into account the diversity in gay world. Let me know if you would like to guest write for my blog.
Best of luck!
John Hollywood (author) from Hollywood, CA on August 27, 2014:
Hi Maximum - thanks for stopping by! Yep, these are universal traits for sure lol.
Maximum A on August 27, 2014:
Oh, so true (re: Final Thoughts) - these are characteristics of straight men I don't want to date either.