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Finding the One: How to Actually Find Your Soulmate and What This Really Means

Updated on July 12, 2017
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After seeing many friends (or himself) seduced by love, only to crash and burn afterwards, Jorge writes advice based on his observations.

Finding "the One" Isn't Easy

Are you desperately looking for someone who can be your perfect match? Are you ready for a relationship that will last forever? Maybe you're thinking about marriage, but every person you meet just isn't the right fit. You don't want to commit to just anyone; you want your soulmate.

As long as you're with your soulmate, the relationship will be as close to perfect as possible, you think to yourself.

Why is it so hard to find this person, though? Why do you struggle to find that deep, soulful connection that will finally make you feel fulfilled in your love life? Don't you deserve this? Why is the world, or the universe, or God, or whoever denying you such an important part of your life?

The answer may surprise you: You have been living a lie. Your frustration and suffering comes from a falsehood that has been fed to you probably since you were young. The truth is that no one ever tells us as children how human relationships actually work, and so you may have been looking for something that doesn't exist.

Do Soulmates Exist?

No.

At least, not in the sense that most people are led to believe. There is no specific person out there who will complete your life. There is no "other half" to you. This is a gigantic lie that we are fed by society.

This notion, at its core, is not malicious. People didn't tell you that you had to find "the one" because they wanted to lead you astray. In fact, most of the time the message is meant to be hopeful, to make people feel that there's always at least one person out there for them.

The problem is that this mental model of romantic love will lead to nothing but frustration. Even if you find "the one," this sense of destiny and worship towards your romantic partner will slowly unravel the relationship and fill it with neediness. It's a recipe for disaster.

"Soulmates" in the usual sense can't exist because you are a complete person on your own. Finding a romantic partner--even a great one, even the "right" one--will never fulfill you. You can search to the ends of the Earth, but you will never find your other half. If there is a void in your life, it can never be filled by anyone except you.

Why does it seem so hard to find the one?
Why does it seem so hard to find the one?

The Danger of Finding Your Soulmate

If you harbor under the delusion that soulmates exist, you can create huge conflicts in your personal life. People with this mindset are more likely to:

  • Reject partners that are compatible, though not perfect, out of a sense that there's something better "out there."
  • Feel perpetually unsatisfied and unfulfilled with their romantic lives.
  • Have unhealthy attachments to specific people who they believe to be their "soulmates."
  • Feel empty without a partner and never learn to get over their loneliness.
  • Not realize the supreme importance of working on their own selves to make relationships better.

The last point is the most important one. The best way to make your relationships better is to make yourself better. The satisfaction you have with your relationship is directly related to your own sense of happiness and satisfaction with yourself.

By believing in and searching for a soulmate to make your life more fulfilling, you are assuming that the basis for a happy relationship is "out there" in finding the right person. You are living with the delusion that if you just find the right person, everything will be better.

In a lot of ways, though, it doesn't matter who you are with so much as who you are yourself. If you change who you are, then you will change the kinds of people who gravitate towards you, anyway. You will naturally find your ideal mate if you work towards transforming into your ideal self and living your authentic life. Without this, you will simply not find the kind of person that you would call a soulmate; they will not be attracted to you.

Soulmates are a concept created by society. Don't let the idea limit you.
Soulmates are a concept created by society. Don't let the idea limit you.

Your Other Half

Do you believe that soulmates exist?

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How to Find Your Soulmate: The Realistic Way

This article isn't meant to be cynical. There is some good news:

If you're looking for a soulful relationship, a deep connection that many people might call a "soulmate," that is possible. It is also entirely up to you in a lot of ways.

You may have not found "the one" yet because you have simply not opened yourself up to the right connections. There may be people in your life right now who could make good long-term partners, but you might not even notice them.

More commonly, you might just be failing to attract the type of people you want because there is a mismatch between who you really are and what you're showing to the outside world. In order to attract a deep relationship, you need to:

1) Stop hiding your true self.

Do you keep people at arm's length because you're afraid of being hurt? Do you have a fake self that you show to people because you're afraid they would judge the real you? You can't expect to attract a deep relationship when people can't see the real you. It's impossible.

2) Be more vulnerable.

Be honest and upfront. Put yourself out there, even if it means that some people will reject you. You will have to face rejection from some people if you ever hope to find people who will love you for who you are.

3) Realize that Disney princess movies are not real life.

This may sound patronizing. You might say, "Duh, I know these movies are not real life!" Maybe you know this consciously, yes, but how has media affected you subconsciously? Many of us are perpetually unsatisfied with every major aspect of our lives--from finances to our love life--all because of ridiculous expectations set by the media. This doesn't mean you need to lower your expectations; it just means that they need to be different from the fantasy that you were fed all your life.

If you have to take a break from consuming media to change your mindset, then so be it. In fact, this may be beneficial for you in more ways that just your romantic life. Forget what people, the media, or your culture tells you is the ideal--figure out what you actually want for yourself, and start attracting it!

4) Approach lots of people. Realize that you can have many "soulmates."

You never know who will be a good match for you, so don't start by narrowing your requirements down too much. Instead of waiting for someone to show up, be active about your intentions. Tell people that you're looking for someone. Go on dates. Socialize with others and make friends who could potentially turn into something more.

Be upfront about the fact that you like deep relationships and that you're not looking for superficial games. Those with a similar mindset will gravitate towards you more easily.

5) Let go of your attachment to certain results.

The root of neediness (which turns people off like nothing else) is being attached to certain results. If you desperately need for someone to be your soulmate, to marry you, or to be with your forever and ever, you are poisoning the relationship. It may seem counter-intuitive, but the deepest, most long-lasting relationships have a bit of healthy distance. A good relationship where people are emotionally close is very different from the obsessive closeness of a co-dependent relationship.

Putting someone on a pedestal and convincing yourself that they're your one and only soulmate breeds dependence on that person.

Many people search for a soulmate because they want to get married.
Many people search for a soulmate because they want to get married.

"Am I Ever Going to Find the One?"

Yes. Maybe.

No one can say for sure. However, you'll greatly increase your chances of finding a good match if you focus on making your own life better. This doesn't just mean the external things in your life, either. Having a lot of money, or a nice car, or a lucrative career isn't going to attract people on a deep level. It probably won't even make you that much happier.

Instead, focus on increasing your ability to be happy and satisfied with what you already have. This is a deceptively difficult endeavor, but it will be the most important project of your life and will give you the best chance of finding a truly fulfilling relationship.

Finding the One: Have You Succeeded Yet?

Have you found your "soulmate," whatever that means to you?

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© 2017 Jorge Vamos

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    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 4 months ago

      Whatever is on someone's "must haves list" for a mate odds are in a world with over (7 Billion) people there are thousands if not millions of people who fit that description!

      There are lots of "soulmates" but there is no "sole-mate" as in only ONE person in the whole wide world who would make an ideal mate for you.

      To believe it's possible for you to be in Indianapolis, Indiana and your "soul-mate" or "the one" lives somewhere like Bora Bora, Tahiti and only by {some coincidence} you'll meet is ridiculous!

      This notion of "scarcity" is a plot device used in novels and movies to make love sound like a "lucky condition" that occurs by "happenstance" or "fate" for only a few.

      This makes love sound "magical". The reality in the U.S. alone over 2.3 million weddings take place each and every year!

      In real life each of us has our own "mate selection process" and "must haves list" for selecting a mate.

      Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse.

      We (choose) who we will spend our time with.

      Essentially in doing so we're choosing who we'll fall in love with!

      Nothing happens until you say: "yes"!

      Ultimately finding "the one" comes down to knowing what you want and sticking to (your) list!

      Hopefully with age and life experience we gain wisdom to become "better shoppers" who choose wisely.

      Last but not least we must accept the fact that during our youth it's highly unlikely we're going to meet our "soulmate".

      Most of us haven't figured out who (we) are let alone what we want and need in mate for life before we're age 30!

      For any teenagers or those in their early 20s who think they've found their "soul-mate" or their ex is their "soul-mate" odds are you're going to laugh at yourself years from now when your own children believe the same thing in their teenage years!