My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.
The words that come out of one's mouth can be like music to your ears or like fingernails scratching a chalkboard . . .
Have you ever met someone that you found attractive, but who lost their sex appeal for you as soon as they started talking about certain things?
For women, what a man talks or complains about, or even the way he expresses things, can be a turn-off for us. Since most women are good listeners, we will hang onto a man's every word (and the fluctuations in his voice) to determine if we want to start (or stay) in a relationship with him.
The attraction we originally felt can change from high to low (and eventually become obsolete) if he:
- Excessively whines when he gets upset—we will feel annoyed to be around him
- Overly complains—great way to emotionally push us away
- Never takes ownership for his actions (plays the victim role)—any attraction we felt will cease
- Constantly talks harshly about others—we will look at him negatively—worried that one day he might talk badly about us
- Angry tones and words—sex will become null and void
- Overly shares and/or talks about finances negatively—sex repellent
- Can't seem to get his life functioning in the right direction—we won't see a future with him
A guy's sex appeal can change for a woman just as easily as a woman's can for a man—regardless of how attractive he or she might be.
As with anyone, looks only go so far. There needs to be substance, chemistry, intelligence (of some sort) and the ability to carry on a conversation—without mentally checking out. If a guy
starts whining, bitching, worrying or complaining about things often—this is a sure fire way to put out any sexy flames that might have been previously burning.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that a guy can't share things that are upsetting to him. All relationships should get to a point where we trust our partners enough to have open and honest communication. However, when the sharing takes over the relationship and he clearly isn't willing to deal, fix or solve his issues—and thinks is OK to complain excessively—any sex appeal that existed will majorly plummet.
No woman wants to deal with a man who can easily place all his worries and stresses on them...
I was in a relationship with a guy who made me believe he had his life together, but clearly didn't.
The first several months of dating, he presented himself to be confident, a go-getter and a problem solver—which was very attractive. Once he got comfortable dating me, all I heard about on a daily basis were his stresses: work, financial, kid, automobile, ex-wife, physical, more financial, and family. Wow, can you say major turn-off!
Here's the thing guys, regurgitated—like you have Tourette's—all your issues on us—way too soon in the relationship, is inadvertently letting us know that you are not emotionally ready to be in a relationship. At least not one that has the potential to be successful.
Hearing a guy carry on and on (and on) about why he can't possibly do something—anything—to change his situation for the better, gets exhausting (to say the least). Especially, if he won't take any advice and emotionally shuts down when receiving feedback.
Let's be clear, no one is perfect and no one’s life is perfect. But, when a guy is over clouding his issues on us—while having a higher pitched voice, mumbling under his breath, elongating what he needs to say with stammer, stress and zero confidence or with an angry tone—this can be difficult to deal with.
I dated another guy whose attractiveness faded every time he had to have a bitch fest about his ex-wife...
When I first met this guy, everything about him spewed confidence—which was extremely sexy. The way he approached me with assurance and asked thought provoking questions to get to know me better was appealing. He also was engaging with my friends—asking them questions, while still making sure that I knew his focus was on me. His voice drew me in—along with the way he looked at me. Not to mention, he was handsome—straight white teeth, beautiful smile, sprinkles of gray in his hair and athletic built. He also had a sexy voice.
By the end of the night when he asked for my phone number there was no doubt in my mind to give it to him. He even text me that night to make sure I got home safely. I was smitten as a kitten when I went to bed.
Weeks into dating the excitement I felt when he would text, call or see me kept building up. This man was confident, but not in an obnoxious or cocky way. He was intelligent, our conversations flowed and he was respectful to everyone we would come in contact with. He also made me feel relaxed being with him because I didn't have to worry about anything. He definitely presented himself as a take charge, doer type of guy which was an appealing quality.
This guy was great at handling things, planning things and getting things done—without me ever having to ask—refreshing! He made me feel more girly versus the alpha role I normally have to play—which frankly gets exhausting and old.
Six weeks into dating this guy, his confidence mask wore off...
We were having dinner and cocktails at one of his favorite restaurants when he announced—very loudly—that it was officially two years since his divorce. As he opened up, it was obvious from his harsh tone that he was not over the pain he had felt from the marriage and divorce.
There was anger in his voice and he started calling his ex the "C" word, the "B" word and every negative word he could think of. His tyrant behavior regarding his ex-wife and all the things she ever did wrong went on for over almost two hours. Yikes!
I was so shocked and mortified by his words—leaving me in a standstill of disbelief. Was this truly the man I have been dating?
Seeing this side of him set me back emotionally, especially since he would not calm down. The way he talked so poorly about his ex was alarming. Disregarding any and all of her good qualities—as if fifteen years of marriage meant nothing. Hearing this coming out of his mouth was more than disappointing.
The next day I was ready to end things with him. Before I could, he came over apologizing profusely—assuring me that his emotional rant was due to having way too many rum and cokes. With hesitation (big hesitation) I decided to give him a forgiveness pass—since the last six weeks together were great. I reasoned (with myself) that he did have several drinks (more than normal)—which can cause most people to be overly emotional when they are in their feelings. The lesson I learned as we dated longer—this was actually a character flaw of his.
Apparently, once he got comfortable with me his drinking increased and he would not stop talking about his ex-wife drama—taking zero ownership for his part. Hmm. I was confused, on our second date when we first discussed his ex and he told me that they had an amicable break-up, did this mean he completely lied about the situation? And if so, what else was he lying to me about. Also, if his ex was so awful, why did she leave him? From what I was witnessing; he definitely had anger and alcoholic issues. Yikes!
All the characteristics I originally found sexy about this guy began to die every time he opened his mouth...
His voice became unappealing. Hearing his constant complaining became discerning. His inability to want to work on himself was a huge Red flag. I felt like I was with a man child who thought that having a temper tantrum about his ex-wife would make me sympathetic and want to keep around. He was wrong. My desire for him went away and so did our relationship.
Don't get me wrong, we all have issues and baggage. And yes, in relationships it is important to openly discuss things that are bothersome. However, discussing them in a mature, respectful manner is one thing, bashing someone for their faults and never owing up to yours in a completely different story. Also, using someone as a platform to bitch, knowing you have no desire to change, is beyond ridiculous. Luckily, not all men are like this.
Ladies, the way a guy expresses and shares information, as well as how he handles situations is a tell-tell sign of his character—if we are paying attention. Noticing if his words continue to match his actions is relevant. Conversations (although perhaps not always pleasant) should still feel comfortable and worthy of having (most of the time)—and not be a complete turn-off or something we dread. Find a man whose words are as delightful as your favorite song and not a killer to your libido.
dashingscorpio from Chicago on June 19, 2017:
"For women, what a man talks or complains about or even the way he expresses things—can be a turn-off for us."
I believe this is true for both genders. Sometimes even the sound of someone's voice can cause them to drop down the scale.
As for (confidence) I believe there are lots of people who have adopted the "fake it until you make it" philosophy.
However whenever they feel someone is "close" to them or in their "inner circle" they think it's (safe) to reveal their insecurities, seek advice, and encouragement especially from their mate.
Unfortunately if their "confidence" or "swagger" was one of the things that drew you in it's only natural to be disappointed to learn they aren't who you thought they were.
I suspect this is one of the reasons why so many people are reluctant to be themselves for fear of not being loved and accepted for who they really are.