Do Girls Like Shy Guys?
Shyness is often seen as a social stigma, but I feel it is far to broad a definition in that not all traits of shyness are negative, and not all should be considered disadvantages (whether you are dating or not).
The aim of this article is simple: to separate the inherently damaging characteristics of shyness from those that are not.
This guide is not intended as therapy or a guide for people who have been diagnosed with a social phobia (which almost always requires the aid of a professional), but rather for people who are plagued by nervousness and moderate, everyday anxiety in life, particularly when it comes to dating.
In this article I'll be looking at:
- The nature of confidence and shyness
- Negative traits of shyness
- The dangers of low self-esteem
- Self-diagnosing low confidence
- How shyness can be attractive
- Communicating with positive body language
- Letting go of the fear of failure
- Do girls like shy guys?
Confidence and Shyness are Not Opposed
Not all characteristics of shyness are decoded by girls as lack of strength, confidence, and calm. In fact, being measured and sparse can be an incredibly attractive feature in men.
If you are a naturally "aloof" kind of guy and believe that your perceived shyness is causing you to appear unapproachable, it may be time to focus a little more on your body language and a little less on what is being said (or might potentially need to be said).
The bottom line here is that being introverted, reticent, or shy does not necessarily mean you are presenting yourself in an unattractive light.
However, withdrawing can lead to some negative traits we need to be conscious of.
Negative Traits Of Shyness
Be on the lookout for these traits which may communicate unapproachability, turbulent psychology, anger, or distaste.
- Closed body language
- Stuttering and/or shaking
- Poor voice quality (mumbling, quiet, or monotone)
- Excessive self-consciousness
- Nervousness, panic, and anxiety (internal at first, then external)
- Resentment and anger
The Dangers of Low Self Esteem
The good news is that there is no need to appear extroverted in order to attract girls, and there is certainly no need to feel contempt for your taciturn nature.
Shyness can quite easily double as a powerful seductive weapon, assuming you are able to shine a light on other obstacles such as low self-esteem, negative self-judgment, and insecurity, which are the real culprits when it comes to destroying interest.
It is not always the easiest of endeavors to realize that a part of your shyness derives from unhealthy self-esteem and resistance to accepting the value of who you are.
Due to the fact that girls are, in part, on the lookout for men who are independent, caring, and strong, it is imperative that you address inner insecurities before throwing yourself head-first into a relationship or you will end up hurting yourself and your other-half by projecting personal fears onto them.
If you are constantly diving in and out of relationships, these unresolved internal battles may be the reason.
Learn to love yourself first.
Self-Diagnosing Confidence Issues
Do any of these issues feel like they hold true for you?
- Low self-esteem: If you catch yourself negatively self-talking, or shying away from social situations because of fear of judgment or rejection.
- Trauma: If a past event has left you scarred, despite the fact you may wish to move on, your body language may be giving you away. You can either consciously correct it, or face the problem internally head-on.
- Self-pity: If you catch yourself recounting the same past ordeals over and over in conversation with others, it isn't a coincidence. While you may feel it is harmless and are sure you put on your best smile to show it's of little consequence, girls will see it for what it is and may want to pre-emptively dodge a baggage bullet. Never underestimate a person's ability to see through your smokescreen.
There's nothing wrong with being traumatized, of course, but become objective about how these underlying issues are sabotaging your attempts to communicate the right sentiment because they often will.
Yes, be honest about your baggage (both with yourself and with your dates), but don't let fear prevent you from communicating your emotions in a transparent way.
How Shyness can be Attractive
Many of the "symptoms" of shyness are, ironically, the stereotypes of a powerful and seductive mate. You don't need to be James Bond in order to have sex appeal.
- Silence and restraint: Often communicate independent thinking, intelligence, education, and thoughtfulness. Being able to listen without forcibly breaking bouts of silence shows you are comfortable and confident.
- Aloofness: Independence and scarcity (which can be a potent trigger in courtship, familiarity often breeds contempt!). However, remember that being aloof, if taken too far, will render you unapproachable, even if there is interest! Withdrawing is a universal sign of disinterest.
- Mystery: Women adore a challenge and you present a riddle that they may want to crack!
- Sensitivity: There are always pros to stereotypes, in many peoples' minds shyness is often equated with a heightened degree of sensitivity and trust.
- Value: Due to the fact that you are often withdrawn and quiet, people will pay more attention to you should you wish to contribute to the discussion. Use this to your advantage!
- Introspection: Shy people are usually highly introspective, and have a tendency to ruminate about life, problems and place a high value on intellectual and philosophical development. If you are clear of low self-esteem and have been able to generate a healthy amount of confidence, you WILL stand out.
Positive Body Language
One way to turn the quintessentially negative traits of shyness into silent confidence is by retaking control of our body language.
Being shy and positive is not a paradox when it comes to non-verbal messaging. It is a potent combination that is universally magnetic.
Here are some examples to keep in mind, not only will they help you be more approachable and magnetic, but they will also lessen your anxiety and lead to long-turn change.
- A smile that touches the eyes. if you're going to fake a smile, you're better off not smiling at all!).
- An open posture. Keep your legs and thighs relaxed, spine and shoulders upright, wrists exposed.
- Sustained eye-to-eye contact. But don't stare or it could seem manic or threatening. Aim for a sustained "soft" look. If that sounds a bit dubious, try alternative your gaze from one of their eyes to the other.
- Point your body, your knees, and shoulders, towards the object of your attention. This is a great non-verbal way of reassuring the person you are talking to that you are interested in them and the conversation.
- Be yourself! Attempting to pass as something you are not will cause the house of cards to collapse under you sooner rather than later and make you distinctly unhappy in the long term. Be comfortable and unapologetic about what and who you are. Shyness is not a disease!
Letting Go of the Fear of Failure
Letting your romantic intention be known, even non-verbally, is a traumatic process. What if you are judged and found wanting? Won't this precipitate an already fragile ego? Won't this make everything worse?
No. Because the anxiety associated with not knowing, of living on the fuzzy edge of indecision, is more stressful than trying and failing.
Silent confidence is a habit-forming enterprise. If you want to be more confident (while still being shy if that's who you are), you need to be willing to risk failure. And the more you fail, the less of a hellish inferno it will be.
Learning how to fail is your ticket out of the pit of fear if that is what you're currently stuck in. The key to confronting our phobias is by confronting them, not by avoiding situations where they may arise.
If rejection or fear of abandonment is the root cause of aspects of your shyness, failing might just be the best thing that could happen to you.
But consider this: What if you don't fail? What if guaranteed rejection actually turns out to be a "yes" instead?
It happens all the time. So go out and fail!
Do Girls Like Shy Guys?
Shyness by itself is not a deal-breaker. In fact, the silent, confident man is exactly what many women claim to look for!
In many cases, the reason shy guys have a rough time dating is that they do not muster the courage to let their intentions be known, and girls might have no idea that a shy guy is interested.
While many girls are very good at telling what a man feels about them, not all are, and some might simply tire of waiting for clarity.
So yes, girls do like shy guys, but the main problem with shyness is that communication, our paramount relationship-building tool, is compromised. And interest or attraction or not, if you don't convey your intention, nothing will ever come of it.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2012 James Nelmondo
David from Birmingham, UK on October 28, 2012:
You can start by building up your self esteem a bit :)
Ashton on October 27, 2012:
But what if ur a loner, not good at anything, don't have many friends just useless in life basically is there any hope i can get a girl?
David from Birmingham, UK on September 16, 2012:
Very interesting perspective of how you can turn shyness to your advantage, provided you have a little bit of confidence.
Derrick Bennett on August 26, 2012:
I agree girls like guys who take action and makes the first moves, don't be afraid of rejection, it happens to the best of us.
Vivianflo from USA on March 20, 2012:
Thanks for providing this information with us. Great job!!!!
Gianandrea Maoli from South Carolina on February 25, 2012:
I consider myself fairly confident except when it comes to trying to attract women. I often thought my shyness might be hurting my chances, but I didn't realize I could turn it into a positive until I read this. Good tips!
pooilum from Malaysia on February 16, 2012:
This is real good. Voted up and followed you
VendettaVixen from Ireland on January 05, 2012:
I'm extremely shy myself, and I have to say that I really don't go for the loud, "hey, check out how totally awesome I am" guy.
Having said that though, if a boy just sits there silent and nodding when I'm trying to talk to him, that's not a good thing either.
I think the best advice you gave in this hub was "be yourself." Yes, it's a cliché, but it's true. A person pretending to be someone they're not isn't attractive.
Great hub. You approached the matter openly, honestly, and head-on.
James Nelmondo (author) from Rome, Italy on January 04, 2012:
Thank you for your feedback ladies, hope our male viewers read it with relish!
THEHuG5 on January 04, 2012:
I too am shy and I personally like a shy guy, I guess it's because I can relate. He can't be too shy though. I prefer guys who are introverts but still have confidence when its necessary. I don't really gravitate towards loud "look at me" types of guys. Usually once you get to know a shy person they are the best relationships you can have.
Alecia Murphy from Wilmington, North Carolina on January 04, 2012:
As I shy girl, I'm not opposed to dating a guy who is shy but one of us has to be brave enough to call the shots when necessary. To me, I think being shy doesn't always mean being guarded it just means being selective about opening up to everyone. I like to make conversation and to be engaged but I'm not just going to pursue it to appear friendly. Great hub, very interesting premise.