Do Girls Like Shy Guys?
Shyness is often seen as a social stigma, but I feel it is far to broad a definition in that not all traits of shyness are negative, and not all should be considered disadvantages (whether you are dating or not).
The aim of this article is simple: to separate the inherently damaging characteristics of shyness from those that are not. For instance, when can nervousness be misconstrued as weakness? How girls gauge strength and confidence, and why they are important. This guide is not intended as therapy or a guide for people who have been diagnosed with severe social phobia (which almost always requires the aid of a skilled psychiatrist), but rather for people who are plagued by nervousness and moderate anxiety in life and in dating.
Bear in mind this is a subjective and general guide based on my research into the field of neurolinguistics and body language (a personal passion), along with a sprinkling of personal experience. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your viewpoint) there is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to attraction and perception. Shyness is not an illness and on it's own is not the problem!
Confidence And Shyness
Not all characteristics of shyness are decoded by girls as lack of strength, confidence and calm. In fact, being measured and sparse can be an incredibly attractive feature in men.
If you a naturally "aloof" kind of guy and believe that your perceived shyness is causing you to appear unapproachable, it may be time to focus a little more on your body language and a little less on what is being said (or might potentially need to be said).
Negative Traits Of Shyness
Be on the lookout for these traits which may communicate unapproachability, a turbulent psychology, anger or distaste.
- Closed body language.
- Trouble talking
- Stuttering and/or shaking
- Poor voice quality (mumbling, quiet or monotone)
- Excessive self-consciousness
- Nervousness, panic and anxiety (internal and external)
- Resentment and anger
The key to turning the quintessentially negative traits of shyness into silent confidence lies in our body language. The good news is that there is no need to appear extroverted in order to attract girls, and there is certainly no need to feel contempt for your taciturn nature. It can quite easily double as a powerful seductive weapon, assuming you are able to shine a light on other obstacles such as low self-esteem, negative self-judgement and insecurity, which are the real culprits when it comes to dismantling interest.
It is not always the easiest of endeavors to realize that part of your shyness derives from unhealthy self-esteem and resistance to accepting who you are. Due to the fact that girls are, in part, on the lookout for men who are independent, caring and strong, it is imperative that you address inner insecurities before throwing yourself head-first into a relationship or you will end up hurting yourself and your other-half by projecting personal fears onto them--if you are in and out of relationships, this may be the reason.
None, or all of the following may apply:
Low self-esteem: If you catch yourself negatively self-talking, or shying away from social situations because of fear of judgement or rejection.
Trauma: If a past event has left you scarred, despite the fact you may wish to move on, your body language may be giving you away. You can either consciously correct it, or face the problem internally head-on.
Self-pity: If you catch yourself recounting the same past ordeals over and over in conversation with others, it isn't a coincidence. While you may feel it is harmless and are sure you put on your best smile to show it's of little consequence, girls will see it for what it is and may want to pre-emptively dodge a baggage bullet. Never underestimate a person's ability to see through your smokescreen.
Attractive Qualities Of Shyness
Silence and restraint: Often communicate independent thinking, intelligence, education and thoughtfulness. Being able to listen without forcibly breaking bouts of silence shows you are comfortable and confident.
Aloofness: Independence and scarcity (which can be a potent trigger in courtship, familiarity often breed contempt!). However, remember that being aloof, if taken too far, will render you unapproachable, even if there is interest!
Mystery: Women adore a challenge and you present a riddle that they may want to crack!
Sensitivity: There are always pros to stereotypes, in many peoples' minds shyness is often equated with a heightened degree of sensitivity and trust.
Value: Due to the fact that you are often withdrawn and quiet, people will pay more attention to you should you wish to contribute to the discussion. Use this to your advantage!
Introspection: Shy people are usually highly introspective, and have a tendency to ruminate about life, problems and place a high value on intellectual and philosophical development. If you are clear of low self-esteem, and have been able to generate a healthy amount of confidence, you WILL stand out.
Positive Body Language
Being shy and positive is not a paradox. It is a potent combination that is universally magnetic. Here are some examples to keep in mind, not only will they help you be more approachable and magnetic, they will also lessen your anxiety and lead to long-turn change.
- A smile that touches the eyes--if you're going to fake a smile, you're better off not smiling at all!).
- An open posture--legs spread and relaxed, spine and shoulders upright, wrists exposed.
- Sustained eye-to-eye contact--however, no more than 2-3 seconds at a time or it could seem manic or threatening.
- Turn your body, your primarily knees and shoulders, towards the object of your attention.
- Be yourself, through and through! Attempting to pass as something you are not will cause the house of cards to collapse under you sooner rather than later and make you distinctly unhappy in the long term. Be comfortable and unapologetic about what and who you are. Shyness is not a disease!
Do Girls Like Shy Guys?
Shyness by itself is not a deal-breaker. In fact, the silent, confident man is exactly what many women claim to look for! In many cases, the reason shy guys have a rough time dating is because they do not muster the courage to let their intentions be known, and girls might have no idea that a shy guy is interested! While many girls are very good at telling what a man feels about them, not all are, and some might simply tire of waiting.
There is no external or internal judgement or prejudice that ought to be holding them back, and that they have two courses of action when it comes to dating and love.
- Communicating their desires directly, or:
- Becoming more approachable through positive body language in the hopes to catalyze relationships naturally.
I hope you have found this article of use, and had as much fun reading it as I did writing it! If you have any comments, suggestions or criticisms please use the comments section below and I will get back to you as soon as humanely possible!
David from Birmingham, UK on October 28, 2012:
You can start by building up your self esteem a bit :)
Ashton on October 27, 2012:
But what if ur a loner, not good at anything, don't have many friends just useless in life basically is there any hope i can get a girl?
David from Birmingham, UK on September 16, 2012:
Very interesting perspective of how you can turn shyness to your advantage, provided you have a little bit of confidence.
Derrick Bennett on August 26, 2012:
I agree girls like guys who take action and makes the first moves, don't be afraid of rejection, it happens to the best of us.
Vivianflo from USA on March 20, 2012:
Thanks for providing this information with us. Great job!!!!
Gianandrea Maoli from South Carolina on February 25, 2012:
I consider myself fairly confident except when it comes to trying to attract women. I often thought my shyness might be hurting my chances, but I didn't realize I could turn it into a positive until I read this. Good tips!
pooilum from Malaysia on February 16, 2012:
This is real good. Voted up and followed you
VendettaVixen from Ireland on January 05, 2012:
I'm extremely shy myself, and I have to say that I really don't go for the loud, "hey, check out how totally awesome I am" guy.
Having said that though, if a boy just sits there silent and nodding when I'm trying to talk to him, that's not a good thing either.
I think the best advice you gave in this hub was "be yourself." Yes, it's a cliché, but it's true. A person pretending to be someone they're not isn't attractive.
Great hub. You approached the matter openly, honestly, and head-on.
James Nelmondo (author) from Rome, Italy on January 04, 2012:
Thank you for your feedback ladies, hope our male viewers read it with relish!
THEHuG5 on January 04, 2012:
I too am shy and I personally like a shy guy, I guess it's because I can relate. He can't be too shy though. I prefer guys who are introverts but still have confidence when its necessary. I don't really gravitate towards loud "look at me" types of guys. Usually once you get to know a shy person they are the best relationships you can have.
Alecia Murphy from Wilmington, North Carolina on January 04, 2012:
As I shy girl, I'm not opposed to dating a guy who is shy but one of us has to be brave enough to call the shots when necessary. To me, I think being shy doesn't always mean being guarded it just means being selective about opening up to everyone. I like to make conversation and to be engaged but I'm not just going to pursue it to appear friendly. Great hub, very interesting premise.