I have given my fair share of mixed signals to men over the years, for various reasons. I hope to help others learn from my mistakes.
He is devastatingly attractive, he is totally wonderful, you can't get him out of your mind—and he's already taken. What should you do?
How to Get Over Your Crush
Like many women, I have been in this situation more than once in my life. Whether you yourself are single, taken, or married, this can definitely happen to you. Luckily, I've discovered that there are a few things you can do to help deal with your crush, such as:
- Focusing your attentions on someone who is emotionally and physically available.
- Reminding yourself and him about his wife.
- Looking for things you dislike about him.
- Avoiding getting too personal with him
- Loving yourself.
What Is a Crush?
A crush is an uncontrollable desire to be with someone you find either physically or emotionally attractive. It would be a sad life indeed if you never encountered someone you consider to be very attractive and extremely special—almost everyone has had a crush!
While it is a common first stage for a romantic relationship, crushes don't often lead to one. Crushes are especially known for being short-lived, and they are often pointed towards people who are unattainable, such as celebrities. This is especially common amongst young people who are just learning about romantic relationships. Though those feelings are very real and very strong, their crush will eventually fade and come to pass when those feelings are not reciprocated.
What to Do About Your Crush
It seems that the majority of people will advise you to walk away and cut contact with this man. If you're capable of shutting your emotions off like that, it's not such a bad idea. However, unless you are a robot, it's not always that easy. Often you will be in a situation where you can't walk away, like at work, and you will still see the man every day.
Personally, I believe that sudden avoidance can be a big mistake. I feel that cutting feelings off suddenly can create an obsession. You will start to feel like a martyr, which will only cause you to feel more strongly towards him. And, if he has developed feelings for you in return, it will trigger his urge to pursue you.
Instead, I feel that you need to let your crush evolve and dwindle in its own good time. Remember, it is not love—love is so much more. Love is about sacrifice, time, and building a true connection with someone. What you have is a crush—it may be a strong one, but simply admitting this is a huge step forward. Crushes come to pass. Be friendly towards him, stay in control, keep your head on your shoulders, be honest with yourself, and give yourself time to sort things out.
Here are some things you can do to help ease your feelings while you wait for this feeling to pass:
1. Focus Your Attention on Something (or Someone) Else
You're spending a lot of time and energy thinking about someone who you can't be with, so why don't you try using that energy on another passion? This could mean delving into a new hobby, starting a new exercise routine, making new friends, or even going out with the intention of meeting someone else.
The euphoria you get from having a crush probably has you looking at your most attractive—the people around you will notice you glowing from within. Take a look around: Who else is around who IS available? If you are already in a relationship yourself, can you spice things up with who you have? Crushes are all about thinking of an ideal world—you need to bring yourself back to reality and start thinking about how you can make your existing world more ideal.
2. Remind Yourself of His Wife
It's important that you remember that his wife is a real person with emotions and feelings like anyone else. When you talk to him, mention his wife. Ask about how she's doing and try to care about her wellbeing. It will remind both you and him that she exists, and will indicate to him that you are being respectful of her and their relationship.
Even if you've never met her before, just talking about her will remind you that this man is unavailable and will keep you from considering the possibility of being with him.
3. Looks for His Flaws
You might spend a lot of time looking at your crush or at least thinking about him and reminiscing about past conversations you've had. The next time you're in his presence, look for things about him that you dislike, and focus your attention on them.
For example, if you love cats and he says cruel things about cats, focus on that! If he has ugly hands, remind yourself that you don't find them attractive! And, perhaps most importantly, if he does or says something ignorant, sexist, or otherwise prejudiced, keep it in the back of your mind. You wouldn't want to be with someone who is not respectful, thoughtful, or tolerant.
4. Keep Your Distance
Though it can be difficult, make sure you keep your distance from him when in his presence—both physically and emotionally. Try to stand a comfortable distance away from him while still being respectful.
Read More From Pairedlife
What If I Have a Crush on My Boss or Coworker?
You see your coworker every day, for eight hours a day. When you spend that much time together and he is a charming, attractive man, it's very possible that you can develop a crush on him. This makes avoiding him difficult, especially if you have to talk every day of the week. However, you can still make sure to keep your distance. Try to keep your conversations short and courteous, and try not to reveal too much of your personal life to him.
Even when you're not with him, avoid the temptation to answer personal emails, texts, and phone calls from him. If you must answer for work or an otherwise important matter, keep your response brief and impersonal. It may be difficult, but it's important that you discourage any sort of intimate or private behavior.
5. Love Yourself
Sometimes we look to men to validate us because we don't have enough self-confidence. However, it doesn't have to be that way. Remind yourself that you're worthy of love from someone who is able to devote themselves to you. Do something wonderful for yourself—take a holiday, give yourself a makeover, learn something new, try a new experience. You are a fabulous woman. Go out and live your best life!
Don't Create Problems for Yourself or Others
Problems only arise when you start to act upon your fantasies with someone who is already committed to someone else. Let's be honest here, you've probably read this far because you have a crush on someone who's taken and are looking for justification, redemption, or encouragement. You are probably considering what it would be like to have a serious relationship with him. Am I right? I'm not judging you—I'm understanding you. I've been there.
Perhaps he is signaling back that he is interested too. Maybe he is indicating that something more could happen between you. Perhaps he is attempting to instigate an affair with you...and maybe you're considering it, despite the consequences. Unfortunately, if you are receiving positive signals, odds are that this man is simply feeding his own ego with your attention. If you take it any further, it will almost always end badly.
How Can You Trust Him If His Wife Can't?
Even if you see it as just a simple, harmless affair, some women end up wanting a proper relationship in the long run. However, it's not actually harmless—somewhere along the way, someone is going to get hurt.
When I've had feelings for an unavailable man, I have always asked myself this (somewhat cliched) question: If he's willing to leave his wife for me, how could I trust that he wouldn't do the same to me in the future?
The simple answer is I couldn't.
Think About His Wife
His wife is a real person with hopes, fears, dreams, and feelings. If you've never met her, it makes it very hard to believe that she actually exists, even though you know she does. It might seem less painful if you are able to forget that he goes home to her, but it will actually help you get over your crush if you think about her and how your actions might affect her. It kind of puts things in perspective, and it personally makes me feel a little angry with the man for putting both me and his wife in this situation—and that helps too.
Sometimes, when you go looking for advice on a topic like this, you will be judged badly. You will be perceived as a threat to anyone who is in or who has had a relationship. Almost everyone will take the high moral ground, without considering any individual circumstances. However, despite what you might be told by others, you are not a bad person.
You can't help who you like. However, you can help how you act upon your feelings, and that's what will determine if you are a good person or not.
Crushes Are Completely Normal
Having a crush on someone, whether they're available or not, is absolutely normal. Playful flirting and games are part of basic human interaction, and feeling that you are attractive, interesting, and able to love is wonderful. It causes a physical and chemical reaction in our brains that makes us happy.
I don't believe it is possible to honestly deny a crush—when it happens, you just need to wait it out.
Why Am I Attracted to a Married Man?
Some women repeatedly fall for unavailable men because they are afraid of commitment—either because they're afraid of the hypothetical abandonment or because they hate feeling tied down. Others do so because they have low self-esteem, and receiving the affections of a man who seems "impossible" seems like the ultimate form of validation.
Whatever your case, take a minute of introspection to figure out why it is you find men more attractive when they are unattainable. Is it because, deep down, you are terrified of the idea of being with someone? Or is it because you want "proof" that you're worthy of someone? Once you know yourself well enough, you can take steps to address the underlying issues that cause you to fall into these patterns.
You Never Know What Could Happen
Committed relationships can and do end. Perhaps you are destined to have a relationship in the future with this man. However, keep in mind that if you are "the other woman", "the mistress", or "the homewrecker", the chances of having a trustful, loving relationship with him if he ever becomes available are very, very slim.
No matter what, you should conduct yourself with dignity, self-respect, decency, and integrity. If at some point this man's marriage fails for a reason other than your interference, you have built the foundations for a solid relationship with him. But by then, you could be happily involved with someone else. There is always hope!
Questions & Answers
Question: I have a horrible crush on a married man. I have tried to avoid him for months on end, and have even attended a twelve step meeting to help me move on from him. Whenever I think I’m cured, I go back to see him once again. I'm addicted to him. How do I ever get over the power he has over me?
Answer: This man is filling a void in your life, and while he is meeting that strong need, he will always have some degree of power over you.
I would suggest that, in order to move on, you try and identify exactly what you personally get from this man. Why do you want him? How does your relationship with him fulfil you? Be specific and detailed in your reply to yourself. Then consider what sort of things you could do to make yourself happy instead of sabotaging your life by going back to see him.
The flipside of this exercise is to write down everything negative you can think of about him. Be realistic. Look at the real person, not your ideal fantasy version of him. Find fault as much as possible. When you start avoiding him, record your resolve and your reasons for ending the relationship. That way, as time goes and you begin to crave him, you will be able to read over your notes. They will remind you of why you are not going to continue the harmful cycle of leaving him only to return and start all over again.
Most of all, know that your love is a precious gift and it is time to give it to someone who is worthy of you. You deserve so much better from life than someone who is unavailable to love you back. Once you stop focusing on him and open your eyes to opportunities, you might be pleasantly surprised.
Question: What if both of you are married?
Answer: Are we talking about a crush or a relationship between two married people? In the case of a crush, it's just the same as if you are single. Having a crush on someone else when you are married is quite common, especially if the marriage is lacking in communication or excitement. If your crush has become a relationship, then it is time to seriously consider how the situation will affect your husband or wife and your families. It might be worth speaking to an impartial counselor or therapist to help you work through your feelings and decide the path you want to take.
Question: What does it mean when a married man is in my bed every day?
Answer: It means that he can't choose between you and his wife. He may not be selfish, but usually, in this situation the man is putting his own happiness above everyone else's. You don't need someone who is emotionally unavailable in your bed. You deserve someone who is devoted to you.
Question: Should I tell this married man how I feel?
Answer: My immediate reaction to your question is no, you shouldn't tell him. However, every situation is different. Ask yourself what will be gained by telling him? Pursuing a relationship when he is unavailable will almost always lead to heartache: not just for you but for your families. Think carefully before doing anything that will cause harm. Telling him turns a crush from being something innocent to an active and intentional pursuit of a relationship, and you may not like where that ends up.
Question: What if you have a crush on someone who eventually gets married, and your crush doesn't go away?
Answer: I know it's very hard, but I think in this situation you have to accept that this person has made a choice, and the choice sadly wasn't you. You will always have a soft spot in your heart for your crush, but it's time for you to start looking for someone who can return your love. Eventually, your crush feelings will begin to fade as you fill your life with new experiences and opportunities.
Question: I have a crush on my married teacher at college, but he told me he is not interested, what do I do?
Answer: It's really difficult when you care for someone, but you have to move on. He is obviously committed to his wife, so if you keep pursuing him, he will resent you. Often we get crushes on people who have some kind of authority over us, such as a teacher or a boss. We're attracted to the status as well as the person. Look around college for other people you admire or respect who are single so you can distract yourself from this teacher.
Question: I have avoided him for a solid year. I saw him today and my feelings are still strong. Maybe some crushes take a lifetime to get rid of? We look deep in each other’s eyes. A year ago he kissed me on the lips on two different occasions. It seems more than lust. It’s a connection; not necessarily love. I do not like how I took a year to “cool off” and it’s like not a day went by.
Answer: Sometimes we feel a strong connection with someone without ever really understanding the reason. It's a shame that this unavailable man turned the connection into something sexual by kissing you. I don't know if all crushes just go away, but normally they do diminish over time. I feel that you value this connection and fear losing it. The problem with this is that by making it sexual, he has disrespected both you and his wife. You might always feel something for him, but it would be a lot easier for you in the long run if you could replace him in your heart with someone else, even for a short time. Caring about someone else can help break the invisible ties to him and weaken the bond. I wonder if simply naming this for what it is ... a connection and not necessarily love ... is the start of your becoming stronger and more able to move on. I wish there was an easy solution, but it takes time and for you to live your life to the fullest without him.
Question: I am in love with a married man. We used to check on each other but that no longer happens. He demanded sex but I refused and I think that's why he quit ... What to do?
Answer: I think you should count your blessings that you didn't get more involved with this man. If he stopped contacting you because you wouldn't give him the sex he demanded, then he is extremely selfish and uncaring about you or your feelings. I know that you feel longing for him, but please don't try and contact him. You deserve so much more than someone who treats you like that.
Question: I know who his wife is, and I feel terrible about my feelings and his attention towards me. Would it help at all to tell her how I feel? Not about what he has done but just to be open and honest. I feel like I cannot talk to anyone about this because I am married too. I guess I want to help her and him keep their family intact and mine too.
Answer: While your intentions are honorable, I would strongly suggest that you don't contact his wife. She will be hurt and confused, and will automatically blame you rather than seeing that her husband has encouraged your feelings. She will see it as an attempt by you to ruin her marriage, and she could retaliate by telling your husband or causing all sorts of trouble for you. Having a crush like yours can be incredibly lonely because people do not understand that you can't help who you love, and instead see you as a threat or a homewrecker. This is one of the main reasons why I wrote this article in the first place. I wanted people to realize that they are not horrible outcasts for crushing on someone unavailable, and I wanted to provide a forum for people to share their experiences and not feel alone. The best option for you, if possible, would be to remove yourself from being able to see this man and to seek help to reignite the passions of your own marriage. It will hurt, but you will know you are doing the right thing by everyone.
Question: There’s a man who works at the gym I go to; he’s thirty-three and has a girlfriend. I really like him. When he saw me today with makeup on and in my normal clothes he smiled and looking me up and down. Did I mention that I really like him? I don’t know what to do. How do I get him to like me? I’m a lot younger than him.
Answer: Having a girlfriend is a little different from being married, but I still think you need to be aware of respecting his relationship until you know where you stand. From his actions, it's obvious that he thinks you are attractive. Perhaps see if there is a way to spend some time with him. Can you ask him to help you train, for example, or shout him a coffee at the gym cafe? If he isn't interested in a relationship with you, it's likely he will mention his girlfriend to discourage you and then you'll know to back off. To give yourself the best chance, try and make sure that he enjoys being around you. Relax and be yourself. If he is into you, he'll find a way to let you know. For the sake of your own self-esteem, though, make sure he has broken up with his girlfriend before starting a proper relationship with him.
Question: Myself and this man at work have had eyes on each other for years. We have always talked. He is now married (no children) and now I am single. He wants to pursue me and now he has begun to send pictures of himself. It seems he wants to take this further, perhaps into the bedroom. I know that it is totally wrong if I do this, but my urge to be with him is so strong. What should I do?
Answer: You have said that you know it is totally wrong, so I feel that you already have the answer to your question. You shouldn't allow the relationship to go further until you are both single. Unless he leaves his wife, there will always be three in the bed, as she will always be in the back of your mind. This will be devastating for your self esteem. You seem like a strong person ... stronger than the urge to be with him. The best action to take now that he is sending pictures is to ask him outright what his intentions are. Let him know that you are interested and attracted, but that you are not prepared to start anything while he is married. You will be able to gauge a lot from his reaction, and it will give you a better idea of what kind of person he really is.
Question: My guy friend is married but we are only friends. I respect him, but he keep saying his wife treats him badly. I think I like him. What should I do?
Answer: I think you should continue to be a good friend to him. It's okay to feel attracted, but try hard not to let your feelings for him turn into anything stronger. He might be manipulating you, or he might genuinely be being mistreated by his wife, but regardless, he is unavailable at the moment. If he leaves his wife, then you will be free to pursue a relationship with him.
Question: What if you are both married but both marriages are either pretty much over or very much headed that way? In my situation, his marriage is such that he is alone all the time. They sleep in separate rooms on separate floors. In mine, we have had no real intimacy in over three years because he is becoming a she. We are friends in my opinion because I am not attracted to women.
Answer: What is keeping you both from ending your marriages right now and starting a life together? I think if you can both have an honest conversation about that, you will be able to move forward accordingly. Are you certain that his marriage is in such a bad state? I ask because sometimes people are not entirely honest when trying to maintain two relationships at once. As for your marriage, under the circumstances, you would be perfectly justified in leaving and just remaining friends. Between all four of you, communication is the key.
© 2010 herpointofview
Always attracted to unavailable men on July 30, 2020:
Thank you so much! Very honest, empathetic yet logical! I needed this. ❤
Irene SImpson on June 11, 2020:
Hi ... I work at a hospital and have a crush on security guard ... for a year . I finally see him on a shift that I am working . I understand he is married but my crush is bad . I love talking to him but would ever take it to another level .
thatgurl on February 13, 2020:
This article says all the facts that a person may want or not to hear... I am a 21 year old who I could say fell in love with a 32 year old guy who is married with a child. This shit is hard to get over with since I see him almost everyday and even though I dont know the wife I still feel bad for wanting him and loving him the way that I do.. The problem is well I never talk about his wife or child and he doesnt talk about thrm either since am scared to bring that topic to him since he might get mad over it or sm and am not ready for that yet... Mind you we are not in any physical relationship yet but the mixed signals are driving me crazy... Judge me or whatsoever I know he's married and its not right but its been a year and the feelings are still there and I really dont know what to do or anyone to talk to the thing is He treats me as a friend not so sure though but he gets me confused... I promissed myself I'll try harder this time but nothings working after I see him then everything flies out the window and am back to the sick love puppy that I am and cant even say shit about it
Not that easy on October 14, 2019:
You say crushes are short-lived. Well, not mine. My first one, although not on a married man, lasted around 5 years! I tried to go out with different guys, I guess I even liked one or two. But not like that. Finally my crush passed just because I developed a new one. And the current one, god help me, has already lasted 2 years..... on a married man. Why, why, why!
June on October 11, 2019:
Yes I thought this was well written and offers good advice. It avoids being judgemental but it also encourages you to avoid the situation and retain your dignity.
Ohateme on October 03, 2019:
This situation is like a blame game deep down woman blame themselves n when things go out of our hands even those male blame us women try to help them in their broken marriage as a friend but men just want to confide n take advantage thn its like thy are sorry thy just want to be friends n its us we fell for them thts not true its from both sides but married men dont have the guts n courage like a women does we r stronger its just a phase time will heal
adaoops on September 13, 2019:
@whatalife Similar experience just happened to me. A married man with two kids, I met at the bus station. After on and off interactions with each other for many many times. He asked my name. I realized we had been chatting and laughing for almost a months without knowing each other’s name. Then he said he was thinking about asking earlier.....that he thought it was so rare to meet someone has the same catching bus schedule while he’s been taking the bus for many many years.....I don’t know, I guess I just let it be until one day everything vanishes......
Ema on September 03, 2019:
Well I am a young 20 years old girl, and I am in an organization in which we practice many skills.
Anyways, there is this guy who is the least expected guy for me to ever like.
He is from a different country/nationality, different language, and too many other differences.
But he is the only one I look at among 1000 of people I work with, and I actually feel something.
Thinking of our differences alone is a huge turnoff, but towards him it is all different.
We are not close friends, yet I initiated all these emotions out for him.
One day he was speaking and I noticed the rock on his hand. I just tried to deny the fact that he was wearing it, until he mentioned his wife. At the same night, he texted me and told me something funny about his son.
I was totally shocked knowing that he actually has kids too.
I know that crushing on him must be a huge no no.
But you never know how precious is it to feel that spark in someone’s eyes, and I only felt it with him.
whatalife on July 15, 2019:
Its been a year I guess. It is not love at first sight. He is a stranger. Totally a stranger. It just that I can see him because we were taking the same way to go to work. I can't remember when was the first time I start to developed feeling towards him. He don't even look like a married guy. I mean he looks young, cool (I think it just me). Surprisingly, he even has 2 kids. The fact that he has his own family, give me a reason to move on. But I can't get him out of my mind. I think about him every day. He don't even know me. It's really pain to love someone like this. I hope this feelings will soon fade and dissapear.
Suchagirl on July 12, 2019:
Amazing advice. Hard to follow as crushes are like dry leaves getting flown by breeze of attraction. Yet, i will follow the advice.
Ruth on July 11, 2019:
I liked this article, not judgmental but good advice.
Been married for 22 years to an amazing man, we have two equally amazing kids, we both have great jobs and a life many would hope for. Over the past 5 years I've gotten to know a man professionally who is 10 years younger than me, married (no kids), respected in the community, kind and super cute. I've had a minor crush on him for most of the 5 years but never thought anything of it.
Fast forward to seven months ago when we were at a networking event, having a great time talking and laughing as we usually do. We had a few drinks, but neither of us were terribly drunk, just happy. We found ourselves alone in a deserted part of the building (somewhat intentionally). Suddenly he reach out and pulled me to him. I was shocked and when I looked up at him, he kissed me. I have to admit it was amazing - first time I've been kissed by someone else than my husband since we started dating 26 years ago. We were together for about 10 minutes, I think, admitting to each other that we both had been crushing for years, in between more amazing kisses. That's as far as it got, and we realized we should move on before anyone noticed.
The next week we talked and he said it was all "too close to home" and that it wasn't a good idea. I grudgingly agreed, although I was a little heartbroken. About 2 months later we met up for coffee and we both admitted we were still thinking about each other and interested in "seeing what happens."
Since then we've seen or emailed each other here and there, but nothing ever came of it. Last month I left him a vmail expressing my interest in him even though I knew it was a bad idea. He left me a vmail back saying he was only interested in a friendly colleague relationship, that it wasn't because he wasn't attracted to me, but he was dealing with some family issues. I emailed him back that it was "all good" and no worries.
Yesterday we both were attending a professional event and I was surprised when he asked me for a ride. I got butterflies and started wondering if something would happen. We chatted pretty evenly the whole way there, and had a great time talking and laughing on the way home. When I dropped him off, he said he was "glad that we're good" and I responded "of course we're good". There. Friendly colleagues. Disaster avoided.
Why then do I still feel like I am a teenager who just got broken up with? I KNOW BETTER than this, absolutely love my husband (whom I'm still very attracted to and we have a good sex life) and would never want to break up my family, and hate the idea of cheating. But it's been 7 months and I just can't get over these feelings. I have a feeling he may be in the same situation, but I'm not about to ask. I fantasize about him constantly and feel so guilty, but to be honest, if he wanted to be with me today I'm afraid I'd go for it.
Thanks for listening, not sure if there is any advice, I know time will heal but in the meantime this is very disconcerting!
twoawesomedogs on June 26, 2019:
There is only ONE answer to that question: YOU LET IT GO. Don't act on it, don't play with fire, don't even entertain the notion. Move on! Don't mess with married men, EVER. They almost never leave their wives, and if he cheats WITH you, he'll cheat ON you. Don't fool yourself - you can do better!
Andrea on June 23, 2019:
So there is this guy at work, who is a lot older than me and he is not even that hot, but he is smart, funny,i love his personality I love the way he treats me, and sometimes he makes me feel like he is interested on me, and I know he is married so I always try set distance, but I started to develop feelings for him, at the beginning we were really good friends and sometimes we will stay alone at work and we would talk and talk and time would go flying but i don’t know when things got really hot, that I would go home thinking about him now I’m trying so hard to avoid him, like every time he comes to me he is always trying to make me laugh, and I try it to keep it as friends, but when is getting personal I try to bring his wife or kids to the conversation and sometimes he ends up talking shit about her, and I always take her place, I always defend her like she was my friend, I even suggest him to do things with his wife, suggested places to travel with her. And I act upset when he says something bad about her, I’ve been in this situation for 2 years, sometimes I even try to be mean to him, to let him know I’m not interested even though I am, and I think he knows because he makes nervous. So don’t know what to do to stop acting nervous around him. And I’m also dating even my relationship is not great I’m trying to make it work, like I always tell my crush that my boyfriend is the best and that I’m very lucky to have him, I tell him about our trips and the good times and sometimes this works for a couple days and then is the same thing all over again, hopefully this feelings disappear.
Jenny on May 03, 2019:
Awsome view point
Sylvia on April 25, 2019:
Your suggestions were really helpful. Thank you so much!
Cutepassions on March 04, 2019:
I am crushed with a man who is already married and was my doctor , i am married too. I have strong feelings for him and perhaps he has too. I want him to be a friend of mine forever but it seems to be difficult. Because his wife is sooo jealous that she even doesn't let him to reply my text and answer my phone calls. I tried too much to walk away but couldn't stop myself. These days i m in trouble , all the time thinking of him and finding a way to contact him. Because his wife took oath from him not to be having a contact with me. I know this because on my last visit he told me all this. He said that if i can come to his clinic to see him, is welcomed anytime. Advice me what to do.....
Ange on February 25, 2019:
I enjoyed reading this - it's the first bit of advice I've read that actually resonates. Thanks for being human!
Jasmine Lady on February 19, 2019:
had a huge crush on this married man who is working as a celebrity chef,i see him most of the times in television but till last year November i met him in person.i felt so jealous when i see his posts with his wife,then on Valentine's day i saw he brought a large bouquet of roses for his wife i get so envy of her.
Vicky on August 20, 2018:
Am so in love with this married he has two wives but I cannot hold my feelings over him am seriously helpless he is our neighbour at work and his my friend we joke and he knows that I love him .But I sometimes catch him staring at me and he asked for a kiss Oneday but I refused because I was scared he introduced his wives to me and I really find it stupid falling for a man with two wives .I see him everyday so I cannot get over him coz he wants to talk to me .help me please
SOMELOVER on August 16, 2018:
He is a teacher in my school. A married man with a baby girl. He used to be super nice when i was in his class. But now my section changed, he began to avoid me. I see it as his way of putting forward his duties and backstashing any form of mental anomaly. I feel this is an appropriate behaviour, and that's why i love him. But i am worried, that you said if one cuts off their feelings suddenly, they get more drawn. Please tell me a way to make him forget his likeness for me and concentrate in his family life. I do not want him to have a turbulent family life. Help meh
Beemee on August 09, 2018:
I have a crush on a guy at work and he's married. The thing is I don't usually have an attraction to married guys at all. Usually I find out they are married and it's a huge turn off. I'm also against sex outside of marriage because I believe it's bad karma but the problem I have with this man is we think the same, believe the same things and often times think the same way. The similarities between us is alot. We even have experienced a certain situation the same way in life. The way we are attracted to each other is strong and more than a physical attraction . I actually consider him a friend and I want to keep it that way but I feel like if I do we will end up sleeping together. I know that if we sleep together it will create a situation not good for either of us. I believe we will end up attached to one another. I don't want that because I do think of how it will effect his marriage and him and me. He doesn't have children which is a plus but I don't want to be the cause for an unhappy situation, I just want him to be happy. I also want to do the right thing. However it's hard when you see a man who seems to be more of a fit for you then usual. I try not to fantasize or anything but reality just keeps slapping me in the face. I have always had strong intuition and they always are right. My only issue is I feel like I am in unfamiliar territory and trying to swim to safety not knowing where the shore is.
Soumya on July 24, 2018:
I study in this institution where I met this man. He is my teacher. He is 45 has a son who is in high school and oviously a wife. He is so fond of his child but never mentions about his wife. He is a man who is charming and with amazing speaking skills. The way he talks seems amazing. He usually talks to me in a friendly way. One fine day I stare at him and he catches me doing that. The very evening he messages me on Facebook and adds me as his friend. I had never expected him to message me. How so ever he is being smart and keeping his calm. Should I even normalize my excitement? Should I just stop giving him the hints?
Flaca83 on June 05, 2018:
I have a deep crush on a married man for me he is the most amazing person and I don’t even know him I’ve seen him at work walking bye and little by little he got in to my heart ❤️ I wish he want marrried sometimes I feel like telling him but I’m scared he is a manager and his wife now work in the company but I can’t help not feeling these emotions toward him I don’t know if he knows about it because he stares at me but serious I look at him but I just feel I want to run up to him and feel him how handsome he is and that if he had a clone that is single I would date him at least for just one time it feels so good but at the same time so crazy I never felt this before I feel like giving him a note so he could know but I don’t know if that would help eliminate the crush because it feel deep I don’t care the risk I don’t want to hurt him or his with would keep it a secret but I feel if I don’t do it I won’t be disappointed I need to get over it and don’t know how for me he is so beautiful he has something special I can’t tell what it is he is not the most attractive man but for me his is please advice I don’t care
Flaca83 on June 05, 2018:
I have a deep crush on a manager from a different department at work I can’t help it to feel this butterflies and every time I see him I wish I can walk up to him and hug him and kiss him for me he is the most handsome guy I ever saw for other he might not be but for me he is can’t help it he doesn’t know or problably does but we haven’t spoke when I found out he was married nothing changed o feel I want to tell him I wish there was a double like him but single and that I would date him because everyone I see him I feel this connection . It’s crazybut it happened it feels good but not be able to say nothing get me more anxious I don’t care if it’s for one tie only I want that man I will keep it secret and I won’t destroy his marriage but nah I’ve been like these over 6month make me happy and the adrenaline to have him in my arms is fun
Lucky on May 11, 2018:
It has been of help indeed I am going to follow exactly what I have read from this article the crush I have Is really strong but it will come to pass now I know it's possible
Thank You so much continue with the heart of helping those in need I will forever appreciate this article it has added some values to my life since I was thinking of stupid actions due to lack of knowledge.
Yllas on April 26, 2018:
Im so emotional this time,Im confused about his treatment on me,Im a married woman but separated his a family man with a nice family.Trying to break up with him coz I dont think this is right besides I want to focus on my long distance boyfriend...I still miss this crazy married man ..
fatima on March 30, 2018:
this was super amazing and it helped me alot.......
herpointofview (author) on March 28, 2018:
This is an emotional time for you. I think maybe you need to consider exactly what you want, and that will lead to knowing what to do. Wishing you wisdom.
Val on March 16, 2018:
This piece really helped me. One additional consideration is that even if the married man initiates the sexual encounter, he may feel guilty afterwards. This happened to me with someone I didn't care about (a vacation hookup who told me he "had a pass"). But if it happened with the man I care about it would be very painful--both for me personally but also because I was a part of something that caused him pain.
Fubulandus on March 15, 2018:
Please help. In this situation I am the married man. Marraige had its ups and downs. Was introduced to a mutual friend from my home country ( from the caribbean but live in the US). We started to talk alot online. 2 months. Went home for a vacation and we met up and had a great time. I didn't tell her I was married before we had sex. Eventually told her but the issue is I still care for her as a person. She still likes me but wants to entertain a long distance relationship. I apologized sincerely for my mistake of hurting her. However we still talk( nothing sexual but more about business). I hope we can be cool with each other over time. I don't know What to do.
Flirtatious on March 15, 2018:
I have a confession. I'm a married woman. At the place where I train is this handsome man. We don't train at the same time. I just always heard about him and what he does. And this one night he trained with us. And I caught myself staring at him. To me he was like a famous guy. Meant nothing by it. I saw him that he saw me looking at him. I imagine it made him uncomfortable. My bad. Then he winked at me, as if to say stop it. And I did. I find this man very attractive. After a while I saw him looking at me. It's been a few months now and he is still looking at me. The other day he was there and I saw him looking, he winked again. I must admit, I like the attention. I still look at him to see if he is still looking at me. Not long after that, he and this dude was training together and he kept looking at me. While he was looking at me he would see that I was looking back at him. My husband broke his ankle and I have to go to training on my own. This one night my husband came with. I don't know how to describe this. He left in a hurry, as if he was upset. This one night was weird. He gave us a class and I enjoyed the training. It was intense training. He came to me afterwards and touched my back and says: your not even sweating much. With a grin. His hands felt soft. He has a beautiful wife and kids. I won't do that to her, her kids or to my husband and kids. We both have beautiful families. Why risk it all for a one night stand. I'm just wondering what is happening here. I need some advice on this. I'm also at fault here, not just him. I never had a nother man look at me like he does. Confused
flo03 on March 12, 2018:
love what I read. It all contains to me. We both agreed on leaving out spouses to be together. I did and he keeps saying he is and soon. He holds on to fear. I see how much he loves me but I am tired of hearing the same thing. And no changes...what you recommend then?
WaterLily on January 30, 2018:
Hi everyone. Came across this article after searching on Google: How to cut off feelings from my boss!
I just can't help. Can't stop thinking about him all the time. The worst is that he's my line manager, what means that I have to deal with him all day (and catch lift to work with him).
We have a huge age gap between us (27 years), but I still feel so attracted to him, as I would feel to a man around my age. On top of all, he's married and even have grandchildren!
I thought about quitting my job, but the payment is good and carrier wise, this is the boom that I needed. He's a great professional and pushes me a lot to be a better professional. So, in few words, I found my dream job.
Don't know anymore what to do, is being more hard to hide. I feel excited every time I'm close to him or speak with him over the phone.
I know that the right thing is to forget him, I just don't have the strength to do so.
Jus wanted to share.
Best to all of us!
Penelope on December 26, 2017:
Does your boss know how you feel? If not, are you going to tell him?
Penelope on December 26, 2017:
OMG! This feeling is so unfair. Timing!! It’s as if I found my soulmate and he’s taken. And he realizes I am his soulmate and he’s married. I had to quit my job as one of the reasons - my feelings and him. He was giving me all the signs to show he was interested. It wasn’t flirting we both knew we found each other. I so want to tell him my feelings by end of 2017. No regrets No regrets.
herpointofview (author) on November 21, 2017:
Great comment. Thank you for your insight. I agree that kindness is the key.
Hedonistinlove on November 15, 2017:
Hi everyone. Not sure if anyone is still active here. I am also inlove with a married person. My boss. 2 years straight I've thought about this person all day, everyday. Through this lonely adventure I have researched A LOT about unrequited love, love that's not acted on, body language, chemistry, human connection, infatuation, obsession. The only term for my experience and the stories everyone else describes here that fits this phenomenon EXACTLY is "Limerence." Look it up. If you feel the feelings described here then you are in for some self discovery. Limerence opened my eyes, as its definition described my thoughts and feelings for this person better then I could. My interpretation of Limerence is basically love stalemate. Mutual feelings that can't be acted on, so one or both people just end up banging their heads against the wall. People with this like me can't get over it, we almost always have to see the LO due to work or something else and there is always some kind of barrier that prevents disclosure of feelings. Limerence works on a thin line of hope and doubt. As long as the two are balanced, Limerence won't fade. It's a euphoric experience but also heartbreaking. I have given myself so many pep talks, I've had moments of clarity on how insane the one sided world I'm living in is, but then the next day the person happens to stare into my eyes, or come over and chat and it ignites hope again. Hope for what exactly? Hope that the feelings are mutual. People who are limerent like myself have a need to know if this is mutual or in our heads. I don't want to ruin a marriage as much as I would love to touch and kiss this person, even just talk to them regularly and have some sort of friendship with them. It feels like it would be enough. It's amazing that a person can make another feel so good about everything. It's real power. If you ever get too down, realize someone out there could feel this way about you and you may have no idea. Be kind.
Pepper Gnaib on November 13, 2017:
This article is very helpful.
I find the last two paragraphs very truthful, being a homewrecker and having people talking behind your back, giving you names is not something you can embrace for the rest of your life.
I am once a married woman once, was divorced. My husband re-married with a beautiful baby girl.
This is something for a good start
Timmy on November 05, 2017:
It made me realize of what I really felt for that man. Giving attention to him, made me think that I really love him. I know that this feelings will fade away. Thank you so much for writing this article and sharing us how to handle situation like this. And most, I learned to love myself and patiently wait for the perfect man.
handclap on October 24, 2017:
Your writing is very beautiful. I really admire your inner strength. You have conducted yourself with dignity, self respect, decency and integrity, I totally agree with you. I am very sure that you will do very well in life. You'll be alright!
wonderfulworld on September 28, 2017:
Yes, I would not read this type of article if I am not in the situation. It turns my world upside down and all around :) at 45 never been married and with a long time loyal boyfriend (although we don't live together in the same house) we have our own house and very close to each other. I felt for a married man at work and he felt for me too because I am an attractive woman :). Anyway, I would like to say thank you so much for this article. It's just RIGHT ON THE HEART. Great advice!!!. It's just I want to say thank you so much for helping us those who are in the situations - again love is painful but to experience it it's amazing feeling. Yes, "you are your worst enemy" so in order to win in this situation which means accept your feelings - let it cool down and fade- and don't commit to infidelity - you will feel the power of winning over yourself - it's amazing! it takes time and it takes hard work. Believe in yourself, your strength. :) now, you can do it! good luck ladies. I appreciate all of your in put - I learn so much from you all. Sincerely,
Primrose on September 23, 2017:
Maybe it's not the best idea in every situation, but I ended up talking out my feelings with my married crush in a somewhat subtle way. We have an understanding of each other that goes pretty deeply despite barely knowing each other. I think many of us can relate to that instantaneous connection.
I didn't know he was married at first. There were some signs and a few hints that I didn't mentally follow since my crush was clouding my mind. My job performance was actually affected by this crush.
I am in a relationship that doesn't fulfill me but that I don't want to end. I love the comfort of being with someone who is devoted to me (and has been for years), but I'm not fully content, especially now suffering this beautiful, awful chemistry. It felt extremely surreal. I know if I had to work in the same area as he does every day, it would have been far more difficult not to indulge.
So how did that work? I had his phone number (which he made sure I had) and had been texting him. I was really bored at work during dry spells, and my significant other wouldn't text me back very frequently.
My significant other and I are not married. I'm having a hard time reconciling my crush with my relationship. Our dynamic has changed a few times, but he will never be a different person. I can't and don't expect him to be. I don't want him to be my crush either. Staying with him seems unfair in every sense for both him and me. I know he would break if I left him now, so I cannot.
This wasn't my crush's first attempt at an affair. He's so honest, which is both despicable and admirable. I can't even be honest with myself.
I kept chasing after an answer. I'm like a dog after a bone. I cannot let something go unless it's more concrete. I didn't want to know but had to know why he wanted something more. When I asked if he was married and he told me he was, I wanted to know why he kept chasing. Unlike me, he goes for the physical and forgoes the emotional. I'm the polar opposite.
So maybe even exploring his mind a little bit will actually turn you off like it did me. I still like him a lot and am deeply attached and have pored over these texts excessively. I love this development. It's like parting ways without doing so. "Go and not go."
The problem I had was finding something I disliked about him. I couldn't find anything that wasn't exclusively related to appearance, and I'm not one to fall for someone over looks despite others finding me attractive. I'm not shallow. He is. I didn't mind that he is, though. That included, I couldn't find something I disliked. His infidelity is the only thing. I'm emotionally the same as he is physically, so that's my own problem. That may be why I found it so offensive: I share the same fault in a different way. I hate that about myself and, thus, now him.
Honestly, he will keep a piece of my heart from this whether he wants it or not and whether I want him to or not. The connection was made. Unless he does something to hurt me, it's irrevocable. I just can't do what he feels he needs; I won't do that to his wife. I feel for her. I feel guilty for the little part I played already. It's been maybe a month. We had met previously, and I felt drawn to him before and knew he was a problem. He sought me out. I had avoided pulling the thread. He made it too available, and now I know why.
Despite chewing him out a little (partly out of my own guilt) and then apologizing for doing so, he still wants to be friends with me. We've already crossed that barrier, so I feel like it will be easy to remember how everything went down and to never crumble to it. I refuse to unless he could prove to me that he wants only me exclusively and forever. We all know that isn't going to happen.
I value the sanctity of marriage. If you have a hard time with that and blur that line, this may not be the best move. I empathize with people deeply also and can't stand for heart pain or causing it. In a sense, I felt justified in my relationship since he had been distancing himself from me. I will always wear a mask with him if our relationship lasts. I always have. He doesn't love the genuine me.
That's what I will miss and hopefully also keep with my ex-crush. I'll get to remember feeling wanted and desired even if it was truly only skin deep on his part (which I have a feeling is only partly true). Very flattering. I'll keep that with me going forward and just love myself even more to make up for what neither can give me.
All in all, I love and accept myself more after this. I don't feel like a horrible person despite everything. I know I won't be drawn away as easily a second time. Fool me twice? I think not.
Love yourself. It's imperative. Be content with being you. If you're not, open yourself to possibilities you've withheld from yourself. Work out. Run. Swim. Pick up an instrument or a foreign language. Draw. Paint. Take photos. Close gaps with friends. Live large and laugh!! Laugh every day. Find something to make you happy that doesn't involve romance. I've lived in that haze so long. I'm sick of my happiness relying on anyone else. I'll be happy no matter what, relationship or not.
Just wanted to share my piece.
Lauren on September 02, 2017:
Thanks this really helped
Donna on July 31, 2017:
I'm a little late to this but had to comment. I've had a fairly intense crush on an older man from work for about a year. When I met him it was like a whack in the face, I felt like I've known him forever and that he was placed in my life at the right time (just broke up with my boyfriend and felt like he was there to help me get over him) Anyway we go back and forth for a year lightly flirting, I could feel jos light and loving energy from a mile away. Anyway cut to last month where we finally have the talk. Turns out he feels exactly the same way about me, but is married. He says we can at least "talk" about our fantasies but I turn him down. I know that if I was married I wouldn't want my husband sexting some other woman. He was totally understanding of my boundaries. It's so hard though, it is so easy to be around him. I'm the type of person where it's very difficult to forge these kinds of deep connections with, so when it happens for me it can be pretty intense. This is the first time I've ever had such a connection with a married man, and I feel like I'm in uncharted waters. This article put my mind at ease a little bit, and made me realize that I'm doing the right thing by turning down his advances. I do respect his relationship, and I do respect his wife (even though I've never met her and know nothing about her). It's hard as hell keeping things brief with him, when all I want to do is pour my heart out to him and tell him all the crazy fantasies I have about him. But I know in my heart I'm doing the right thing and that the universe will reward me with someone like him but more emotionally available.
Happily Married on July 27, 2017:
I loved your post! Thank you so much.
I have a crush on my supervisor at work who is 10 years older than me, and all this time I didn't think he was married and has a 9 years daughter.
I'm very much happily married, but I can't help it. He's just so gorgeous, and honestly, he treats everyone the same. So, I'm not really that "special" to him.
I'm just waiting for my feelings for him to vanish slowly because I don't think our partners deserve all this.
missinghim on July 04, 2017:
@pdgg and @jadelola and all, hope you guys are doing fine. Suddenly thought of this blog and so decided to drop by and say hi. This blog and everyone in the comments saved me from what happened few years ago. You guys are really great!!!
Pat on June 27, 2017:
You are absolutely right. About dignity,self respect,decency and integrity .Thankyou What I reed above is wtat I strongly believe and practices.
Joanna on June 14, 2017:
I have feelings for a customer of mine but hes married.....He drives me home sometimes I cant get rid of these feelings help wat do I do?
ann on May 13, 2017:
i am in love with a person, from my college days. i got attracted to him by seeing his face. one fine day i have proposed him. He agreed me, with out knowing my face also. after a long struggle we convinced our parents for our marriage. It is almost 7 years we are in love, but not yet married and we are in sexual relationship too. 2 years back, I joined a company after my studies. I was attracted to my co-worker, just by looking to his face, he came to know that, and he started spreading the news over the floor. I didn't had any sexually feeling towards him, but still it happened, by abusing my self finally i left that place. My lover didn't know any of this. Then, i joined in to another company, where everything was going good. But again after 1 year the same was happened, i got attracted to another person not even by knowing his name, whose face features are almost like my lover. without my intention i was looking to them, when I or he cross me accidentally, and he also looking to me with a feeling. Now he is seriously trying to get close with me.My Colleagues started to see me like call girl, they are making nonsense comment in front of me.
In both the cases, i never spoke with the guys, and both were married which i not knew.
I am felling offensive, by thinking that i am cheating my lover.
My lover is a genuine person, he truelly loves me.
I thought of leading a great life with him. I don't know , why I am now in a messup . And to handle this situation.
I am really confused, whether i am a good characterized person or not.
justAnother on April 16, 2017:
I am married to a wonderful loving husband. My husband's close friend asked to hangout after work, and I obliged as a social obligation, with whatsoever no feelings at all but just to be polite to him because he is my husband's friend. After the meet he told me that he is attracted to me etc. I tried to act mature and help him deal with the situation. But alas i started getting attracted to him, possibly because of the attention i got. I am struggling so much. I have been deeply, madly in love with my husband and i still am, I did not expect in the remotest of world for this to happen to me. Now I have a constant urge to talk, text, or see this guy. I try to control. I know it's just a phase, but it's so painful. I ended up crying in my husband's arms, and begged him to hold me. My husband is my best friend and I can't share with him my struggle. But I am going to be strong and get through this.
Me on February 14, 2017:
Thank you so much
Alice from Australia on February 02, 2017:
Thanks so much for the reply @PDDG
I did start crying when I read your article. It's just very painful but after a semi-decent night's sleep and not seeing him today I feel some minor relief.
It's so hard when you feel so strongly yet you know nothing will happen. I mean it may in the future but the chances are very slim. I am fortunate in that I only see him 2 to 3 times a week. I told myself yesterday I wasn't to have lunch with him or grab coffee because it only makes it all worse.
I have a busy weekend ahead and yes I do play a fair bit of sport so I throw myself into these things and there a windows where I am able to stop thinking about him.
Maybe I should date like you suggest. It's the last thing I want to do but maybe the best thing that could happen also.
Unlike @Wanderer atleast he hasn't texted me - I'm not sure how you survive this way as I'd be a complete mess and probably unable to function! I can't even think straight as it is.
He has suggested catching up over work drinks but atleast he means in a work environment where I think we both know it is safe.
Anyhow I am getting older now and time isn't on my side if I want to settle down and find the right one and more importantly have a family.
I guess life isn't meant to be easy .
Love and peace to you both.
PDGG on February 02, 2017:
@Alice and @Wanderer and anyone else that came here looking for help...I used to post on this board a couple of years ago. I still get an email when someone posts something here. I haven't posted in a long time but I thought I would share my experience with you all.
I used to be in love with a married man and am very familiar with the pain that consumes you every day because of it. I no longer am in love with him, but he is a good friend. I see him almost everyday because I work with him. I eventually fell for someone else, a widow, that is a whole other story believe me! But let me share a bit of advice....
First of all....it does get better. Know that.
Stop beating yourself up about having these feelings. Feelings are neither right nor wrong. They are just feelings. Acting on them is something else, however. The heart wants what the heart wants. I am a firm believer that you don't get to choose who you fall for, it just happens. So don't think you are a bad person just because you have feelings.
If you can avoid the man, do so. If you are in a situation like me where you have to see them all the time, I understand that just doesn't work. But in either case, my best advice is to try dating available men. Dating sites are a good place to start if you are into that sort of thing. If you are not ready to date anyone, then get involved in some hobby, social group, exercising, anything to get your mind busy with something else.
So there it is, sounds simple but it can be difficult to do. But believe me when I say that your peace of mind is worth that hard work.
In my case, I started dating and I fell hard for someone else. The married guy and I are really good friends and we still work together. I still care about him but I can honestly say that I am no longer in love with him. It does indeed get better.
This may not be what you want to hear, but I hate to think of other people going through the same thing. I put myself through this torture for 3 long years. Enough is enough.
Best wishes to you all. Have faith that what is yours will be yours. Love always finds a way. Promise. :)
Alice from Australia on February 02, 2017:
Thanks for this article.
I'm not sure who will read this delayed response.
I really just need a forum to speak/write without judgement and feel so reassured to know that I'm amongst people in similar situations.
I am single . He is married with two young kids.
I can't help the way I feel and I've just learnt I have to acknowledge it's happening rather than ignore and sit it out until feelings fade.
I know I can't act on it and I know nothing good will come of this if he or I were to......so I have to get over this! I endured a painful break up last year so figure I can survive anything I figure.
I have to let the feelings fade and keep distracted - which is precisely what you have advised.
I was feeling super guilty the other week when this all hit me but I now still have these feelings, weeks later and I know they are real and not just some silly idea.
I mentioned my crush to a close friend and almost instantaneously regretted it as I could tell she was judging me already.
I have not acted on anything. We grabbed a bite to eat together at work a couple of times quite openly but I have decided to now even avoid this situation. More for self preservation. As much as I adore seeing him I have to let it go in my mind as it will not serve me well in finding someone I can truly be with.
At the end of the day he has a wife and kids and that aint changing and I wouldn't want it to.
Nothing has happened between us or been said.
My problem is I can't stop thinking about him and it's affecting my sleep and everyday life . It's all seems so trivial in the big scheme of life but at this moment it's all consuming and he is all can think about. I count down the days until I see him.
Your article has confirmed what I thought which was that I would just have to sit and suffer (ha!) in silence and wait until the feelings pass. I figured there was no point in telling anyone as people will only judge and assume the worst of me.
He has done nothing untoward or acted out of line in anyway or suggested anything - well he has kinda - but in a group situation atleast!
I can tell we both feel the same way and yet the best thing is (and I mean this) is that as painful as it is for me, neither of us is acknowledging or acting an anything. I would love for him to contact me outside work but what would this achieve? Heartache, turmoil .... More pain and longing and the feeling of needing to see him. It's all such a pointless and a crazy way to be thinking I know.
But I am easier on myself these days.....It's human nature I guess and better I acknowledge and own the struggle than deny what's happening.
I feel like I'm a teen with a highschool crush on my favourite actor - without the handcut posters on my pasty pink bedroom walls.
Love hurts in all its forms.
Wanderer on February 01, 2017:
Thanks for sharing this. I have recently developed a crush on a male coworker who is married with three kids. I can't help but feel like a terrible person for having these feelings for him but I also can't seem to stop thinking about him. It doesn't help that he makes it a point to stop in and visit me in my office every day as well as has started texting me. I find myself getting emotionally attached and wishing for something more - and I know that it is not okay. Normally I am someone that slams down a steel door once I know that someone is attached... but for some reason I am unable to do this for him. I feel terrible for having these feelings for him and knowing that he has a wife and children - yet I also wish that I had met him prior to all of this. I think I am going crazy and I don't know what to do. I am emotional such that I get sad when I don't hear from him and I get happy but feel guilty when I do hear from him. I don't know how to handle it and carry on...
herpointofview (author) on December 09, 2016:
I can see exactly why you emailed her and told her your feelings. It's obvious from your post that you are very open and honest. These are personality traits to be proud of, so don't be embarrassed. Whether a woman is 8 or 108, she likes to feel attractive, so I can guarantee that this woman is flattered by your admission. There is nothing wrong with your telling her that you fancy her if you have no intention of taking it further. You made it clear to her that you weren't expecting anything more, and my guess is that she recognizes that you are a very nice guy, and is making it easy for you by backing off. Any sort of reply from her could have been seen as an invitation, and I'm thinking that maybe it would have been tempting, so she did the right thing too. My feeling is that you need to talk to someone who can help you sort out your marriage problems, and help you to decide whether or not you should remain in the relationship. Perhaps, if you become single again, you could then contact this other woman and see if your changed circumstances make a difference. If you see her again in the meantime, don't pursue her or run away. Just be your usual friendly self if the opportunity arises. It seems to me that this situation is the beginning of a change for you where you actively start sorting out your problems and you head towards a happier life.
Anonfin on December 09, 2016:
I did something stupid. I'm a married guy, nearly 20 years, teen kids. I have felt very lonely and ignored by my wife for many years. She has told our daughter that if I had an affair we'd stay married for the kids and financial reasons. She loves me on some level, as I do her, but she finds intimacy difficult and takes no interest in me (I mean my interests, not only sexually -- it's quite a put down when she dismisses you in every way).
I've tried and tried. Needless to say I'm depressed long-term and don't feel like getting on in the world. While I'm in this marriage everything seems pointless.
Anyway, I met this lady in my hobby (scuba instructing), did some training a couple of times at the pool (she sent pictures to thank, one only of her, and some thanking emails, one ending 'hope to see you again one day!), accidentally bumped into her in the dive shop where on leaving I said surprised to see you again and she parted with 'nice surprise', and I thought that was it. I was already developing a crush. Then a few days later I was minding my own business in a supermarket, and she came from behind to talk to me. It was all very mundane, but her voice seemed a bit nervous and once she blushed. Then I walked around with a dumb ecstatic smile on my face.
So, I couldn't contain it any longer, and stupidly emailed that I had a crush and thought she was wonderful. I did say I was saying this because I never expected to se her again and wasn't chasing her. I thanked her for making me realize it's possible to feel like that again. She's been out of the country a couple of weeks, but no reply. I feel so stupid. I've maybe offended a nice lady, and look like a cheat (though morally I feel my own marriage is dead -- and I did apply for a divorce but was asked to take it back). All the same, even though it was all quite predictable, it's only just dawning on me how badly I've done things, and I feel awful and feel a right fool. She must think I'm deceitful, intrusive, taking liberties, selfish, tactless... It's possible she liked me in some way, but there's nothing explicit she did to lead me on (although I'm not very clever in these matters -- once I never noticed that a woman thought she was starting an affair with me!). Mostly she was happy but neutral e.g. 'writing '"I'll be thinking of your advice (not 'you') when swimming among the corals".
A married woman should be able to go around being smiley and civil with a guy without him declaring silly feelings for her. She must despise me for appearing friendly but harbouring secret feelings, and think I'm a love-sick immature idiot for declaring them. In mitigation, I have been unhappy and desperate for a long long time. And then my wife was nicer to me for a day and I felt like crap. I'm never emailing that wonderful lady again, and will run a mile or simply be neutral and polite if we meet, but how do I recover from this total loss of honour and dignity (which is all my own doing)? I'd feel better if she shared some of the guilt, but there's nothing I can specifically pin down that can be interpreted as her coming on to me, and there as plenty of neutral behaviour to say otherwise.
Anyway, in some ways all I've done is tell someone (married) I have a crush, but I've been very upset about what it means to my own marriage regarding honour and embarrassing my wife in front of another woman, my interference in another woman's marriage, and making myself look despicable. I can't even jump off a cliff, as it would upset the kids.
herpointofview (author) on November 30, 2016:
Thank you, Mac, for sharing for your thoughts and personal insight.
Mac on November 30, 2016:
Heart broken girl. You did nothing wrong. You are a human and most likely encountered a soul mate. Read up on it because it is real. It will put many things in perspective for you. My friend from college is a soul mate to me as well. I felt as if I knew her in a past life and felt comfortable around her with no logical basis for it. A couple things to remember, your soul mate is not always your life partner. Typically soulmates come into our lives to teach us and help us grow spiritually and from a personal level. They typically leave as abruptly as they entered. Your soulmate may not recognize you as such and they can sometimes be assholes. Your approach about open communication was appropriate. His approach not entirely so. He dehumanized you instead of letting you down gently. In my book he is no gentleman. I am sure this experience helped you grow some how. You just have to think about it for awhile. It is nice to know that there are caring woman out there who try to communicate and be reasonable. Too bad this guy could not do the same. You might have simply been friends.
Mac on November 30, 2016:
The term crush as well as its definition are very misleading. Age and intention create distinctions that could indicate that you are in love or just simply attracted to someone because you share common interests. The term seems more appropriate for teens whose emotions are all over the place as they are on the road to self discovery and seem to fall in and love at the drop of a hat. As an older adult and with hind sight it is important to not cut people off abruptly. It is hurtful and shows emotional immaturity. I have gently let down many women in my life in a caring and respectful way to make an effort to preserve their self esteem and dignity. The only time to cut someone off abruptly is when they become obsessive and create a danger to you, your family and themselves. I am currently in a situation where I reconnected with someone with whom I loved in college nearly 40 years ago. I found that I was still very much in love with her but also realized I could not act on it because of my prior commitments. This person lives over 3000 miles away so it is not a tough thing to do. However, I do consider her s friend because she taught me many life lessons thru the experience that I am eternally grateful for. Our relationship was not physical back in college. Yes you can actually fall in love with someone without having sex with them. I was never able to tell her how I felt about her. Circumstances were such that it would not have been appropriate and would have complicated things for her so I walked away in college. Fast forward to 40 years later, I try to send her emails in an attempt to be her friend and engage her in conversation. Unfortunately, she sees responds very tersely if at all. As someone on the Other side receiving this recommended approach, I find it very frustrating, immature, and presumptuous. It makes me think less of this person as a person of character and integrity and is preventing us from being friends. My recommendation is too not do this because it just diminishes us all as human beings. Try communicating with the other person first. You will find that it is easier to bring things to a conclusion and allow both sides humanity and dignity in the process. I am constantly amazed at how little training people receive in dealing with interpersonal relationships. Our psychologist friends like to put labels on everything and everybody. I think many times they forget that every situation is different and nothing is ever that black and white. Remember we are all entitled to have feelings and emotions. How we deal with them with each other is what makes us civilized and unique out of all gods creations.
message in a bottle on November 22, 2016:
Today I had a rehearsed message in my mind..."with the holiday coming up ,I wanted to give thanks for this place and the great life energy we all get here...and I am especially to have met you...I am thankful that you have always been kind and polite to me and have not lost your patience with me and told me to leave you alone"
"And I want to wish you and your family much health and happiness in this holiday season and going forward..."
What really was said .." hi there....." "hi"..
"Happy Thanks giving"..."you too"
And that was it, Happy Thanks giving every one.
herpointofview (author) on November 21, 2016:
You're not crazy - just human. Wishing you (and everyone here who has shared a personal story) wisdom, happiness and peace.
message in a bottle on November 21, 2016:
I have been tormenting myself for 2-3 years with these same thoughts that I read here..Still not sure if I can open up, but it is very helpful to see that my inner thoughts are not crazy.
There is 1 person that I really want to talk to about this, but it is inappropriate...
I think that if i tell my story it will go on long.
This is a test, maybe no one is out there anymore.
A message in a bottle.
Heartbrokengirl on November 16, 2016:
Read thru almost all the stories here. All so familiar. All without answers to help the hurt.
Here is my hurt
I am a happily married woman for 14 years no kids but husband has two from previous marriage. They are grown with families of their own. We have a grea marriage.
I own my own business, and one day, he came in. He is a married man, with two grown children. His gaze hit me like I was sacked with a ton of bricks. His subtle nature and blue eyes made me feel like I would fall to the floor on the spot. He shopped around and we actually sat and chatted in the shop for a good 15 minutes. I was toast! Funny thing is, is that I am hit on quite regularly, and I would say that 100% of all men don't interest me in the slightest. I have refused advances multiple times without a blink of an eye. But, this time, was different.
Also , he is Not my type AT ALL, looks, height, hair, you name it. But after that day in my shop, I had to be near him. We exchanged numbers as he was interested in buying a particular piece.
I texted him the next day and asked to see him as I had a problem with a family member needing housing, and knew he had multiple places he manages and may be able to help.
We met, and both agreed, it seemed as if we knew eachother in a previous lifetime, or just knew eachother somehow. I joked about the episode of Seinfeld where Elaine sees "The Whiz" and falls under his spell when she sees him, and told him I was Elaine, and he was "The Whiz". He thought that was cute.
For a week or so after that we texted casually, he was receptive but cautious, never saying anything incriminating always a gentleman.
One night I texted a pic of myself (g rated) and he said he was confused by the photo. My response was " I like you, lets try to deal with it".
I went too far.
I got to see him a couple of days later for a few minutes and explained that I was really attracted to him and even though I would never act on it, that is how I felt. He acted stupidly, as if he had no idea I liked him and said, from now on just text me if it is work related. I was heartbroken. He was right there with me, and now he is backpeddling like it was all on my side.
Over the next few months I tried to text him. Most of the time, no response, but sometimes, a one or two letter answer.
Waited four months in agony. Finally I needed some help and knew he was able to provide it. So I asked him to help me. He replied right back and said sure. Needless to say, he helped me on my project, it took two hours. I played it so cool. Never any talk about anything about "us".
He said goodbye and so did I, and that was three days ago. My heart still breaks for this man, and I have no idea what he is thinking, god I would love to know, either way. I swear, we were connected in a previous life.
piningaway on November 04, 2016:
I'm in love with a married man. I nursed his father until he passed away (I'm an RN). He was a lot more attentive towards me than the other three RN's who also nursed his father. We made a lot of eye contact. I attended his father's wake and funeral. On the last day, we hugged. It seemed like nothing because everyone was hugging him and his family members. I was also mourning for his father and had never seen him cry so much before. I did not want to stop hugging him. I wanted it to go on forever. I long for physical intimacy with this man. I am single and used to be more attracted to women than to men... he made me change my mind... and, that is a big deal. Before him, I was always wary of men. But, he's married with a daughter who is only five years younger than I. I like his wife. But, I yearn so much for his touch. I miss him like crazy and keep waiting to hear from him. He texted me few days ago, thanking me for attending his father's wake and funeral, and, for taking care of him (the father). I don't know if I'll ever hear from him again. He's on my mind every waking moment. I can't stand this agony :'(
Confused on June 17, 2016:
Oh man I'm so glad I'm not alone. I'm not married but I have been in a relationship with a loving man for 7 years. I met my married coworker a year ago on my first day. I was head over heels so quickly. It also doesn't help that he's a cop because I LOVE a man in uniform. After a few months of flirting I found out he's actually 15 years older than me (he looks to still be in his late 20's.) I have become so infatuated with him. My really good friend who is also a coworker tells me it's obvious that he has a crush too but I try not to think of that. He's very flirty with me and I get butterflies when talking to him. It's come to the point where I have songs I listen to because they remind me of him. I have no intention to be involved with a married man but if a night out drinking turned into something more I'm not sure I'd be able to stop myself. It's consuming my life and as much as I want it to end I also don't. I don't want to ruin my relationship with a my amazing man but I'm just so tempted with the married man. Situations like this suck...
hk on November 15, 2015:
4 months ago i crushed on someone bt i can't tell him coz he is married man and my lecturer too.i lose confidence when he is around me.some times i feel he is talking with his eyes. its very difficult for me to understand correctly his feelings or may be i afraid from something. i think he understand my feelings.i wana give him my whole life bt i coudn't do any thing just coz he is a married person and have a sweet baby boy and beautiful wife. just once i wana kiss him and feel him around me.......i know its not possible for us :( we both are Muslims and ethically its not gud or we've no right to touch each other.i love him with all my heart..i ve deep feelings for him.
my english is not gud.. so forget my mistkes :p....i just share ma feelings here
Confused Guy on August 08, 2015:
Hope you all are doing great.
I have read that many of you here had physical as well with your crush.
How do you woman want to turn a hug to the next big step (like kiss, etc)? How did that first kiss happen? Just curious.
missing him on July 04, 2015:
By the way, i have a feeling the table has been turned. My married man treated me better as he would spend time go for coffee with me when im down. I went with him as best friend status, which the feeling is quite good, much better than what we had previously.
jadelola on June 24, 2015:
Another update, I saw him again today with our mutual friend. They walked past me but didn't notice so I called to our friend and waved. My crush looked at me...gave a frightened look and smiled and they continued to walk :(
It's hard for me also coz in normal circumstances, they would have stopped to talk to me and my crush would have phoned me to come for lunch. But now like we are strangers. I can't bear it :(
jadelola on June 23, 2015:
Hisownangel...the cold treatment hurts. Your relationship got sexual from what i understood?
As for me after seeing him yesterday i replied to his email asking me to respect him and not contact him.
I replied that he knows i respect him and was and will always be there for him.And i didnt do amything to him. And that it was nice seeing him today
He replied that his decision has nothing to do with me not respecting him or that i am a bad person....on the contrary...there isnt anyone like me. And he made his decision to cut all contact based on stuff he doesnt really want to discuss.
He wrote that he is really sorry that it hurts me so much and he understands me. He asks to keep his no contact request and no need to reply to the email.
I wonder if it is coz of his wife. Someone said it is coz he has feelings for me.
I miss him sooo much :(
Hisownangel on June 22, 2015:
Thank you for sharing again ur story to
What your going through right now is really hard and hurting
Somehow, im already starting to experience that cold of treatment little by little from my crush also
As we decided to have our last day to be sweet to each other
Its really so hard especially at the times that i missed him so much
jadelola on June 22, 2015:
I was just reading past my posts here since I joined and after he touched me. Even after that happened we were still so close. Maybe something bad happened with his wife and he is scared. Maybe, like my friend said that he had a bad fight with his wife and he knows that his feelings for me aren't innocent and if we will be in touch even a bit it will turn again into what it was and his marriage is on the line. But I doubt that is the reason...don't think he is even attracted to me :(
jadelola on June 22, 2015:
@missing him and @all - haven't been here in ages. Wanted to try move on and thought to disconnect from here and not read others stories might help also...forget that I was in love with a married man and probably still am. Anyways, as you can see I am back.
@missing him - how on earth did you move on and you see him everyday? Well done!!!!!
@Hisownangel - I see that you joined the page after I left...you are in good hands :) Hope things will get easier.
My story in brief for the newbies :) Worked with this guy for 6 months - he interviewed me and hired me (he wasn't my boss) and we became very close and we were always together. We also live in the same area so we used to go to work and back together. We even watched a few porns together..
Then I left and found a job right near him and again we went to work together and again ate lunch together. This was for another year until my work moved to another city. During that year twice on the way home he touched me at the most intimate place but put a quick stop to it. We were always sometimes in contact after hours and also sometimes met up with another mutual guy friend at a bar. His wife didn't know about this and that we were such good friends. Also when my job moved city we were still in touch and met. There was a time when she asked him to cut contact with me but he didn't.
But then October 5th -remember the day and date so clearly :( he cut all ties. Apparently, his wife understood that we went out again to that bar with our friend and they had a huge blow up. That is I think the last update I gave here.
Some time later I tried contacting him by email and he didn't respond but he responded to about my 4th email. Said the cut in contact is for his own benefit and to respect him.
Last month was his birthday so I sent him happy birthday and he replied just with Thanks.
In the meantime my department closed and last week I found a job again near him...i keep on going back to that area.
Needless to say it's extremely hard to be in that area and not to be in touch with him...no driving to work, no lunch nothing.
Our mutual friend told me that my crush knows my boss (small world) and that he isn't happy that I am back in the area :(
Anyway, I was struggling with something at work and needed help so I decided to send him an email asking for help. I told him that if he doesn't reply I understand.
He replied and corrected me with a spelling mistake I always make and wrote something like 'excellent that you understand but don't be hurt.'
Then about half an hour later he wrote again 'Ok fine...and he helped me.' I thanked him and asked for clarification and he wrote back and helped me out nicely. I was happy...made my day...thought if he hated me then he wouldn't have helped.
But then came today and I am in tears...first thing in the morning I get an email from him
' Sorry to be doing this first thing in the morning but...please respect me and don't contact me not even by email. Thanks.'
Imagine getting an email like that from your crush. And we didn't even fight!!!
During lunch I went with someone that works with me to get lunch. Across the road I see him sitting with other friends of mine from his work. His friends waved and I decided to go say hello to them. He kind of nodded hello and just looked and didn't stop smiling. When they got up to leave he asked my colleague something and she said that I am extremely nice ...he always used to tease me...loved it to be honest.
But when they guys continued outside to talk to me he stood on the side and looked at a newspaper.
I am devastated. You could think I did something awful to him. Why is he acting like this?? I then replied to his email ' I said that I don't deserve this treatment from him. That I didn't do anything to him. I was always there for him and always was on his side and always tried to help. That he is acting like we fought or something. That it was nice seeing him today and that now we are working again near each other and I think we should talk about it. That we will probably run into each other again and no need for this treatment.'
The girl that I was with said to me ' that guy that left - he is very cute.' Wanted to tell her to shut up!!! He did look sexy - unshaven with his blue shirt -love that shirt - that shirt with his unshaven look always did something to me.
I am sooo hurt and I miss him so much. So, unfortunately, I am not over him! Sucks!
Hisownangel on June 17, 2015:
Nice to hear from you
So happy that you have already move on
As for me - got involved so deeply with him and now is the time for us to say goodbye
I was not really able to say goodbye to him cause I still can't but I'm hoping that someday everything will be fine in me, that this pain will somehow fade
I know i will miss him so much but there is nothing I can do about it
Even if i miss him i know he will do everything not to miss me anymore for it is the right thing for us to do
It is really so painful
I blame myself for all this hurt for I allowed myself to get deeply in love with him.
Really crying a lot this past few days for it really hurt so much
Thank you for just being here with me at my very low moment of this time.
missing him on June 11, 2015:
Checking in to say hi to everyone :)
TenYearsNow on June 07, 2015:
Hi @missing him,
Yay, so great to hear from you! A new possible interest, too! The best of luck getting to know him. Hopefully he doesn't have a BF, but even so, it's possible he may be...bi? Nothing wrong with just being friends for now.
It appears I'm on a bit of a roll. They are far and few in between, but the interactions with my guy lately have been really sweet. And yet I don't want to jinx it, get greedy, push my luck.
Importantly, I don't want him thinking I go to his workplace just to see him. Depending on business factors, I do have some leeway as to how often I visit his location. But I am consciously cutting back...
I don't mean to play silly mind games, but instead of immediately seeking him out, I just look or listen for him and if I sense his presence, I pretend I'm unaware of him. Remaining focused on my tasks, I wait and see if he makes first contact. Although sometimes I do, if it feels right. It's a thrill when he notices me, greets me, or --if fate smiles upon me--he initiates conversation.
Like on Thur 6/4 --
Similar to Wed, I walk in, not sure if he's there. I'm waiting to discuss work matters with one of his male colleagues. I hear him nearby.
Next thing I know, he's walking right past me. I feel he's standing near. I figure he'll talk to a client who's right behind me. But he gets my attention, pulls me away, asking "You're in a rush, right--Ma'am?"
ME: Did you actually just call me "Ma'am"?
HE: Just being polite.
ME: "Ma'am"? "Ma'am"? There's NO way I'm older than you. How 'bout "Miss"?
HE: No, you're definitely not older. How about "Lady."
ME: Uh, "Lady"? Rude much?
And then he tells me how he's been called worse by clients and colleagues; how recently an employee quit, accusing him of being rude and then trying to start an argument with him. My guy apparently then called him a "retard."
ME: (incredulous.) You called him the "R-word"?
HE: We have to say "R-word" now?
ME: Well, yeah, unless you want the politically correct police on your back.
HE: Where I was growing up, we used all kinds of terms like that. Anyway, the idiot called me "intimidating."
ME: Intimidating? You, intimidating? (I smile at him).
* * * *
Anyway, I don't remember the exact details of the interaction, but it was n...ice! Even though the work he and I were doing was done, we kept the banter going, all the while he was assisting a client who was "in line" after me.
No eye-lock and it's still not full-on mutual flirting, but I get such a rush from the playful talk and being able to look at his face. Reluctantly, I made myself pull away, since he had other clients waiting. As I leave, I tell him to enjoy the ZZZZ game on that night. And then I stop, walk back to add:
ME: I mean, enjoy the drinking--not so much the game.
He laughs. I leave.
I'm skipping Fri 6/5, Mon 6/8, and Tue 6/9. If I skip Wed 6/10, I wonder....will he even notice?
missing him on June 07, 2015:
and also to add, all the best to everyone. hope you guys are doing well right now :)
missing him on June 07, 2015:
hi @tenyearsnow and @hisownangel: its has almost been two months since my previous update. i would safely say that i've completely moved on from this married man. we still remained as friends, we still go for lunch together on daily basis (on working days only of course). i could sense that he is unhappy when i moved on, since i no longer treat him as a "dreamguy". but it doesn't really matter, as i have completely not having crush on him anymore :)
as for my new crush, it is a lil challenge for me as i tried to find out more about him from the internet, i am suspecting he has a boyfriend. not 100% confirmed but i guess it is the case. but i will still be his friend no matter what. we have kinda similar taste in many things and thats where our conversation grows. whether he will be interested in me, it doesnt matter anymore. although i hope he might one day :)
TenYearsNow on June 06, 2015:
Hi @out there!
Since I went kinda frequently last week to my crush’s workplace, I wanted to cut back a bit.
Also, it dawned on me that from June~August, my visits will diminish from several times a week to just once a week. But back to regular schedule in September, so I'll just have to make the most of my limited visits during the summer.
Mon 6/1 – Skipped. Tho' he's usually there.
Tue 6/2 – I know he's not there on Tuesdays. Skipped.
Wed 6/3 –
Walked in. Did a quick, surreptitious visual scan. Didn’t see him. While going about my work, heard his (loud) voice near-by. I pretended I didn't see him, focusing on my tasks.
Later, while I was waiting to see his busy colleague, he came walking toward her, to help her out. I know he saw me, but assumed he would just be business-like, maybe say Good Morning. I kept myself occupied. To my surprise, he carried my materials and gestured for me to follow him. (What? Yay!)
After we conducted our work, I normally would have left to go to my next location, but noticing he had stubble again, I stayed and looked at him.
ME: So…I guess you didn’t shave?
HE: (Smirking and faking a bit of indignation) I shaved this morning.
(Oh right. I noticed the right and left cheek areas were in fact shaved. Clean. Smooth.)
ME: Really? So…what, you going for a van dyke?
HE: I always wear it this way. For as long as I’ve known you.
ME: So no beard, huh? (I smirk at him.)
(He started helping out another client, but while helping the client, he continued talking to me. Nice!)
HE: Remember, there was that study about beards being filthy.
ME: Yeah, but you’re a….clean guy, right? Surely, you bathe and groom on a daily basis?
HE: (Laughs. Continuing to work with client and converse with me).
ME: I mean, look at The XXXX (my city’s baseball team). 95% of those players’ hunkiness comes from their facial hair. Well, except for YYYY (an awesome young player who looks silly when he grows a mustache).
HE: Yeah, YYYY has too much of a babyface to pull off a beard. I don’t really watch The XXXX or any sports.
(Normally this is where I kinda drift off and walk away, but this time I remain firmly implanted where I stand. I gaze into his eyes while he talks and smiles. I see the client in my periphery. But I just. Don’t. Care.)
HE: Yeah, I’m not really a sports fan, but the ZZZZ’s (our basketball team) give me a great excuse to go drinking with my friends.
* * * *
I give a final smile to him and walk out happy. Although he’s multi-tasking--talking to both his client and me (I guess I'm his client), it’s sooooo nice to have the eye-contact, smiling and banter.
Anyway, a win!
HisOwnAngel on May 31, 2015:
So nice to hear updates from you
I love the part of him really made you smile!!!!
We already talked to each other about us being sweet to each other
I seriously now need help
TenYearsNow on May 30, 2015:
Ok, so Thur (5/28). I had work at his location. I spotted his (alleged) car, smiled to myself, and walked in.
It was a busy morning, with lots of people. Didn't see him. I shrugged it off and went about my work.
Later, I overheard his colleagues summoning him. I spotted him from the corner of my eye, so I e....ver so casually veered my trajectory so that I would end up in his area.
Just had to wait a bit, as it was crowdy. I kept my eyes downward, pretending to be busy on my phone, trying to stay and look calm, nonchalant, chill. Of course inside, I was like Yikes! He's just a few feet away!
Then it was my turn to conduct a work matter with him. He kept it business-like. Although I would have liked to, I did not engage in personal talk, with so many others around. I kept focusing on the task at hand, trying not to look into his eyes.
While he was conducting business with me, he was conversing with another colleague nearby. It could be construed as rude, but he does it all the time, so no biggie. It gave me a chance to glance at his face. Stubble again! Secretly hoping he grows it into a beard.
At the conclusion of our business, he handed me a document, looked at me briefly and said, a bit slowly: "Thank you....Tenny." The emphasis on my name was like "TEN...ny." Drawn out somewhat.
So I responded in kind with "Thank you....Steven," mimicing his slow drawl so it came out like "STE...ven. (NOTE: fake name). I smirked at him and walked out.
Fri (5/29) I was at his workplace again but conducted business with others. He was there nearby. I heard his voice (it's a bit loud) and he walked closer to where I was, but still 20, 30 feet away.
He noticed me and said what I think was "Good morning Tenny" but maybe cuz I was a bit far, it sounded like his voice trailed off, whisper-like, as if he was saying it to himself.
I was in the middle of conducting work with his colleague, so I just beamed a smile at him. He went back to being busy and then I left.
...and that was my week. I know, much ado about nothing, but like I said, it's the little things that bring me small dollops of happiness.
TenYearsNow on May 27, 2015:
So I was a bit bummed...but actually had a great day! It's all in perspective I guess.
For work, I regularly go to various locations, and I usually go to my guy's location a few times a week in the mornings.
Each visit is short, maybe 20 minutes, and there is no guarantee he will be there. Even if he is, many times I just see him in the periphery. Sometimes we interact and its those times that bring a little excitement to my day, esp. if its involves eye-contact (god, those eyes!) or mutual laughter.
I pass through a parking lot to get his workplace. Over time, I kinda figured out which car might be his. I'm not 100% sure, but he seems to be there whenever I see it in the lot. Of course, it might even be a co-worker's vehicle, but I do smile to myself when I glance at it.
So Tue I didn't see the car, and he wasn't there. Today (Wed) I saw the car and he was there but was busy engaged with clients and colleagues, so don't know if he even noticed I came by.
So that's why I felt a bit bummed this morning, but then I don't know what it is, but lately, even though I know nothing will ever happen with him, I feel positive and upbeat regardless. I just look forward to seeing him another day. I'm filled with the anticipation of the possibility.
I feel school-girl euphoric by the littlest things, and no longer feel like really crushed when I don't see him. I think I'm now able to do so because I've accepted that it is just a crush and it will never develop into anything more. Just going with it, enjoying the pleasant feelings the crush brings me.
On another note, remember I said I was kinda looking forward to having another crush someday? Well, there MIGHT be another guy that could fit the bill. He's older (55, 56?), married, kids who are older than mine, and we talk a lot at another work location of mine, as we have things in common. I also see him a few times a week, but we most always interact.
I'm not drawn to him in the powerful way I'm drawn to my crush, but lately I'm noticing a different kind of vibe from him. If I get to know him better, perhaps we hang out beyond work, I can totally see us becoming fast friends....and possibly even more. If he were to make any kind of move, I just might...respond. I guess we'll see how it develops and see how I feel.
HisOwnAngel on May 23, 2015:
Hope to hear from you soon
HisOwnAngel on May 23, 2015:
True we became so intimate these past few days
Thank u for your concern and reminding me about us be in a full sexy time
I admit last night its really so tempting to take off Hushlove eyeglass and kiss him while his beside me, as im checking hum if he fall asleep already but I do not want to go in thAt stage, cause I know wer going to hurt a lot of people we knew and we love too.
My hubby did not suspect that there is something on between us, theres no way that my hubby would think that way about us , i wish its the same with his wife.
Hushlove and I never talked about it, honestly, it seems he wants me to treat things as if its a normal thing for us, it does not mean anything at all if we flirt around with each other and without putting it into words Im kinda goin into the flow, even at the night that were physically intimate, we have this silent mutual aggreement that what wer doing is an innocent, friendly, no malice in it, and i intend to stand on that kind of thinking
But i know we both does not want to do things more than that, actually i think there will be no next time for us to do thAt, since the next meetings that wer gonna have are more like of family time or party with friends
What we did then is just a dream for us
TenYearsNow on May 22, 2015:
wow thanks so much for sharing!.....gosh what i wouldn't give to have that kind of cuddle time with my guy. i am no way near there.
as i shared in earlier posts, i have had zero intimacy, in all senses of the word, with my husband, for 10 years (hence, my nickname). the human touch is so vital to our happiness, and luckily i get plenty of that from hugging, snuggling and kissing my kids. but still...
and like with anything, once you get used to something, it just isn't a big deal anymore, but there were times, early on, when it really saddened me that we became this sexless couple. i mean, in our 30's! i'm always joking to friends that he's like my live-in cousin. that's not to say that i'm not a sexual person. when needs arise, i apply uh, self-help.
so how are things with your husband? what about hushlove's marriage? it just sounds like you and he are getting real intimate, and wouldn't be surprised if you guys take it to the next level to full-on sexy time. if you do, please just be careful.
in my fantasy of fantasies, if i were to get ever so lucky with my guy and get to where you guys are, i would insist that neither of us leave our marriages, that it would be a mutual-married-with-benefits kind of thing. basically, i would love to have him as a boyfriend. to hang and do stuff with sometimes.
interestingly, part of me doesn't really want to ever actually go all the way with my guy. it scares me, the idea of going that far (though the fantasies concocted in my head say otherwise). i know it's very junior high school girly of me, but i would just be happy with talking, holding hands and kissing...
anyway, feel free to keep sharing. know that you have support here!
HisOwnAngel on May 22, 2015:
Missing Hushlove more
I know having crush on him is not that right, how i really wish it will wear off fast before anyone gets hurt
Were now in the stage of being so comfortable sitting so close, holding hands and texting more often than before
Missing him holding my hands and subtle embrace
Hisownangel on May 22, 2015:
Our time together yesterday just talking and holding hands was so nice
Then being with him the next morning that everything still fine between us
I was worried that Hushlove might have a change of heart about what happened between us
So happy that wer still good and still having fun talking and being with each other and touching or holding hands between us is something now open for us to do with each other
hisownangel on May 22, 2015:
So nice to know that you have that kind of interaction/sweet encounter with him
How i wish I can have that constant thing with my Hushlove
Today, we had a chance to be together, helping me out on things and talking with each other while he holds my hands
At first wer just sitting together , while watching and talking with each other
its really a nice feeling then i sit on the floor off from the love seats and then he slowly slide himself to from the seats beside me on the floor, as he seats too then we keep teasing each other, squeezing his hands from time to time then he also hold my hands also but not that long at first, then he started to threw his arms at my back as i felt his hands on my back gently, i am really so tempted to lean on his chest and let me be cuddled by him but i just burried my face on the seats under his arm then he started pulling up my face tried to emdrace me for a little while then squeeze my face
TenYearsNow on May 21, 2015:
welcome, @hisownangel! i am relatively new too and have found non-judgemental "ears." it is so nice to be able to connect with others in similar situations. i like older guys too. he's 50, i'm 45. we're both married. nothing going on though.
luckily, had another neat interaction today. i have a work matter, so i approach him.
HE: Tenny (for "TenYearsNow")
ME: Hey, wow, you remembered my name. Again.
HE: You should feel honored. I'm really bad with names.
* * *
HE: I should start charging you for walking my area.
HE: I should start charging you for walking my area.
ME: Why would you charge me? (NOTE: For work, my organization normally pays his organization, so I am super confused).
HE: Because you walk my area.
HE: My trails.
ME: (It finally dawn on me). Ohh! You mean the trails in your mountains. Got it. (NOTE: See my last post).
* * * *
BTW, these bits of convo are not exactly flirty. he's just this friendly to everyone.
So I decide to get a bit bold.
ME: So...you growing a beard? (I notice stubble, maybe 1/2 cm long, with gray/white hair mixed with his normal dark hair. I likey!)
HE: Everyone's been asking me that. No, I don't like beards. I just shave every other day.
ME: You should grow a beard.
HE: Nah. Didn't you hear about that study recently where they tested men's beards and found they were dirtier than toilets?
ME: Yup. But. You should grow a beard.
HE: (To a client who stepped closer, who happens to have a bushy beard. Not so likey). Present company excluded, but beards aren't for me.
ME: Trust me. Your wife will like it. All wives do. Eventually.
and then i walk away, while he's still saying something. i just didn't know how else to end it, and lately i just kinda walk away mid-convo. I'll admit, it's a way to get his attention. just like when i walk into his work area, i pretend i don't see him, though i know here' there in my peripheral. mind you, don't know if its working at all, this aloof behavior, but a girl's gotta try, no?
anyhoo, once i'm at a safe distance, i smile like a idiot all the way to my next work location....
...and that was my thursday.
HisownAngel on May 21, 2015:
Thank you so much for this posting, so nice to know that there are a lot of you outthere experiencing the same thing what im experiencing right now.
At first,i really try so hard to shake off the idea and feeling of having a crush on him, so hard to keep it all into myself, i really do want to share it to a friend but im so scared to be judge and be reminded that i should stop this non sense things about him
Just this week, my crush(let me use my term if endearment to him"hushlove")
My hushlove is a very good and kind man, Hushlove is 12years older than me, 52y/o ,and one thing that somehow hurt me most is that he's married for over 29years and I am married too for 11years now
weve known each other for 10 years and most of our common friends considered him as a very good mentor for He is so kind and full of wisdom.
For 10 years,once a week our couples clique usually have dinner and get together in his house, and i have gotten so comfortable that i usually joke around with him in front of others since I'm the youngest in the group I can easily pull cute and funny things that would make things so light.
I do not know how my attraction started to him, for I really considered Hushlove like a father or a very close uncle, and him being so kind i know that most of the nice things hes doing for me for sure he is also doing to others but as time goes by I started to notice that there are things that unconsciously or maybe hes comfortable doing things to me and saying things that his not doing to others, especially the time the group learned that will be leaving soon and my family will be transferred to other city, a 5 hr drive from his place were we all usually meet.
That time, we started to spend more time with the group, it is also the first time I pay attention to Hushlove
do things that would end up touching my hands, before its normal for me but then come a time that its not anymore for me, i started to feel different about it. I started to learn that its just with me among the othef female friends that his kinda joking around, always sitting beside me, frequently pinching my face when im the usually me being happy in,
Toouching my back, my hips and my arms, we even have pictures together
just the two of us for Hushlove in most occasion would stat beside me and one or two pictures as far as i remember were he insisted so much that well have it together
I usually do not greet him with a kiss but to others I did, and i also hug and embrace them a lot, i dont know why but maybe i have different kind of respect to him thats why im so careful to him, whenever he kiss me to greet or a goodbye kiss usually it ends up kissing me near my ears or in my cheek near to the side of my lips because the way Hushlove is doing thAt is the time i am not aware that his going to kiss me.
This is already long
Definetly I will share more of my Hushlove experience
I just really need to share these things to someone and wait to wear of this feelings for him
Thank you all
TenYearsNow on May 19, 2015:
No new postings? Hope all is well. Love that I can vent and chronicle crush-related stuff here.
Just hope to maintain my secret one-sided crush while remaining professionally friendly. The anticipation of seeing him, maybe bantering with him, maybe even getting to know him a little better?
From my limited interactions with him at work, I do know what city he lives in. A friend of mine recently took me on a hike in the mountains of his city. It was amazingly breathtaking, considering his city is not exactly known beyond its blight-y gloom.
So the other day I approached him -- a totally personal interaction -- and mentioned my hike. After insulting his city a bit, I praised the, who knew? awesome views. He said he often walks on that trail, that he lives near the mountain and that there is absolutely no one out there at night. I responded yeah, I wouldn't walk there alone at night, beautiful as it is.
There was no eye-lock, but it was so wonderful to look into his eyes for even briefly...
These infrequent 2-3 minute interactions give me such joy, and really make my day. Hoping for more!
TenYearsNow on May 07, 2015:
just checking in. felt compelled to write since i have been on my soapbox preaching (to myself mostly) that i am moving on. and i have, really, i have as i am not hopelessly crushing on my guy as before, but...
so i see him only briefly a couple times a week, and last week, as i was approaching work, i saw him working with another staffer cleaning a work area, and he saw me walking toward them. he looks up while he's working and says my name. "Tenny, right? Tenny." ("Tenny" for "TenYearsNow"). so i reply while still walking away, "You missed a spot."
another time, i was walking around in the work area, not realizing he was there and then felt a presence behind me. and then i hear "Good Morming." When i look up, it's him. he's walking away so i say "Good Morning" back as I'm walking the opposite direction. we never actually face each other. but its neat he said GM to me first, even though i didn't see him.
and then today, as i entered the workplace, i saw him with clients and i guess i was looking at him as i walked in, and then our eyes met. i gave him a quick smile with an eyebrow raise...and he reciprocated! WITH the eyebrow thing too! as i walked away i saw him smiling to himself while getting back to the client.
then shortly afterwards, i had to discuss a work matter so approached his area. another colleague was waiting to talk to him but too, but to my surprise as i arrived, he said my name aloud. "Tenny....Tenny." So i joked "Hey, you actually remembered my name."
i asked if I could ask him a quick question, but had gotten a bit flustered (remember, he's freaking handsome). so he turns away from me and toward the awaiting colleague and says, "Too slow. I'll talk to you first." to which I got flustered again, so he laughs and turns back to me to give me his attention.
i composed myself after that brief exchange and did some work with other people there, then as i left, i felt his presence somewhere behind but couldn't dare to look at him again.
anyway, i couldn't stop smiling like an idiot afterwards. i know that he is NOT interested in that way with me at all, but the friendliness he's been showing has been so...disarming. part of me is ever hopeful our jokey banter will continue.....
TenYearsNow on April 27, 2015:
yay! so happy for you that you moved on from the toxic situation you were in with your former crush. by all means, please continue with this new crush wholeheartedly, enjoy the endorphin rushes and see what happens.
as for me, there are no real prospects. there is a way younger guy at another work location that i noticed seems interested in me, but after some awkwardness, i just keep it professional-level friendly.
as for my original crush that i've tried to move on from, well, i do see him at my regular work location about 1-3 times/a week. it's only for a short duration (maybe 5-20 minutes, where i may or may not interact with him), but i do get secretly happy when i see him from the corner of my eye, or sense that (hopefully) he's looking my way. i relish the moments when we do interact -- esp. when he says good morning to me, or we have brief eye-contact, or on those really lucky days, when we have joke-y banter.
i know NOTHING will ever happen, but i figure what the HELL, just go with it, enjoy it. it's a one-sided school-girl crush, but now that i have my emotions under control where i don't get all ga-ga, it's been...fun!
anyway, hope to hear from other posters out there!
so glad to get an update from you @missing him!
missing him on April 24, 2015:
Hey everyone. Its been some time since my last post. I just wanted to share a song that im kinda addicted to.
I know you by skylar grey.
A little update about me. I'm currently having a crush on another guy, which i jist knew him through our neighbourhood chat group. He will be staying two floors above my apartment. I kinda like him because i find similarities between us in terms of our taste for home design. Found interesting topics to talk to him everyday. That makes me happy :)
TenYearsNow on April 01, 2015:
@missing him & @confused guy:
good to get follow-ups from you 2...i hope the others who have posted in the past are doing well. it's not easy having your (former/soon-to-be forgotten?) crush still in your life, as we 3 do at work, but similar to @confusedguy, i have been able to slowly move on.
in fact, i'm hoping to find a new crush someday soon... as awful as this sounds, someone who like in your 2 situations, might possibly reciprocate. someday...
but @missing him -- hang in there! i know its hard to not pine for him still, but be strong and move on. hoping you find a true boyfriend soon. (you're single, right?) you totally deserve to be happy!
Confused Guy on March 31, 2015:
@Missing him - Great to hear from you and I am doing good. Looks like you are doing great too. Its been a long time since I last saw her even though we work in the same office. Its going good and I try to avoid even to think of her.
missing him on March 30, 2015:
@tenyearsnow: thanks a lot for sharing your story. That's quite a motivational one, for me. Thanks for all the strength u given here. How do u feel when he is in your car?
As for my crush, he asked to see me in swimming suit several times (im the one started topic on swimming suit first). And one day i got all frustrated and tell him that i am not comfortable that he called me "babe" and i no longer want to do anything intimate with him. Thus, please dont ask me out using whatever excuses to trap me. He apologised and offline. Ever since, we still go for lunch together in group but he doesnt chat with me individually anymore and he just went offline everyday without saying goodbye to me. Im feeling hurt when he doesnt say goodbye actually. Guess im still having expectations on him and i am yet able to move on completely. I find myself checking on his status on IM every now and then but did not start conversations with him.
@confusedguy: how are you doing? Havent been visited this page for some time. Although i tried very best to refrain myself from not going back, sometimes my heart just dont mind to back to the past, as long as he is with me. I find myself fighting against myself...
TenYearsNow on March 27, 2015:
it's been a while since i posted, but hope all is well. life has kept me very busy, and from time to time i see my (former) crush at work, but its strictly a professional-kind of friendly.
hadn't seen him for weeks, so i presumed he was promoted elsewhere or maybe taking a vacation. i kinda heard he might have been sick (not seriously), but haven't had the chance to ask.
it kills me still a tiny tiny bit when our eyes briefly meet because as the beginning of this hub page says, he's "devastatingly handsome". he even made a sort-of flirty comment the other day, to which i got flustered and he smiled. and then a few days ago, we had a project again together, and he helped (rather gentlemanly) place some heavy materials in my car.
for a few minutes, we were in close proximity and he was practically IN my car, but since i decided that i was going to forget this crush and go back to "strictly professional" it didn't make my alarm bells go off like it might have months ago when i was at the peak of my crushing on him.
anyway, just thought i share this to let you know that it IS possible to get over your crush (albeit little by little) and still see him at work on a regular basis without falling to pieces. moving on IS possible.
Confused Guy on March 16, 2015:
@missing him - Good luck. Do what you think is the best for you.