Crush on a Married Man? How Do You Deal With It?

He is devastatingly attractive, he is totally wonderful, you can't get him out of your mind, and ... he's already taken.  What do you do?

Like many, many women, I have been in this situation more than once in my life.  Whether you yourself are single, attached, married ... it can happen to you.  This is my take on the classic crush on the married man.

What is a Crush?

The definition of "crush" (according to the Urban Dictionary) is "a burning desire to be with someone who you find very attractive and extremely special".

It would be a sad life indeed if you never had encounters with people you consider to be very attractive and extremely special!

While it is a common first stage for a romantic relationship, it does not and often doesn't lead to one.  Most people have had crushes on celebrities, especially when they are first learning about relationships. The feelings are very real and very strong, but when those feelings are not reciprocated by the other person, crushes eventually fade and pass.

Crushes are Normal

To have a crush on someone, no matter whether one or both of you are not available is absolutely normal.

Playful flirting and games are part of basic human interaction. Feeling that you are attractive, interesting and able to love feels wonderful. It causes a physical, chemical reaction in our brains. It makes us happy.

I don't believe it is possible to honestly deny a crush - when it happens, you just need to wait it out.

You and the Married Man

Problems only arise when you start to act upon your fantasies with someone who is already committed to someone else.

Let's be honest here ... the reason that you have read this far is probably because you are now at that stage, and looking for justification, redemption, encouragement ... ? You are probably now considering what it would be like to have a serious relationship with him. Am I right? I'm not judging you - I'm understanding you. I've been there.

Perhaps he is signalling back to you that he is interested too. Maybe he is indicating that something more could happen between you. Perhaps he is attempting to instigate an affair with you. Perhaps you just want to go for it, despite the consequences. Unfortunately, if you are receiving positive signals, odds are that the man is simply feeding his own ego with your attention. Even more unfortunately, if you take it further, it will almost always end badly - for you.

Do you really want to go there?

Even if you see it as just a simple, harmless affair, in most cases, women end up wanting a proper relationship in the long run. It is not harmless, because somewhere, someone is going to get hurt.

When I've had feelings for an unavailable man, I have always asked myself this (somewhat cliched) question ... "If he leaves his wife for me, how could I ever trust him?" ...

The simple answer is ... I couldn't.

His wife is a real person with hopes, fears, dreams and feelings. If you've never met her, it makes it very hard to believe that she actually exists, even though you know she does. It might seem less painful if you are able to forget that he goes home to her, but it actually helps to really think about her and how your actions might affect her. It kind of puts things in perspective, and it personally makes me feel a little angry with the man for putting both me and his wife in this situation, and that helps too.

Be warned ... if you go looking for advice, be prepared to be judged badly. You will be perceived as a threat to anyone who is in or who has had a relationship. Almost everyone will take the high moral ground, without considering any individual circumstances. No matter what, despite what you might be told by almost anyone with an opinion ... YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON.

You can't help who you like.

However, this is the time when you can step up and be a good person.

What To Do ... My Suggestions

It seems that the majority of people will advise you to walk away, cut contact and so on. If possible, it's not such a bad idea if you can shut off like that, but unless you are a robot, it's not always that easy. Often you will be in a situation where you can't walk away, like in a work situation, and you will still see the man every day.

Personally, I believe that sudden avoidance can be a big mistake. I feel that cutting feelings like this creates obsession. You will feel like the martyr, and it will strengthen your emotions. If he has developed feelings for you, it will trigger his urge to chase you.

Instead, I feel that you need to let your crush evolve and dwindle in its own good time. It is not love - love is so much more. It is a crush, be it an advanced one, and admitting this is a huge step forward. Crushes do pass. Be friendly towards him, be controlled, keep your head, be honest with yourself and give yourself time to sort things out.

Here are some ideas to help ease your feelings while you wait :

  • Try and focus your attentions elsewhere. You are probably looking at your most attractive at the moment, because of the euphoria your crush is causing you. Who else is around who IS available? If you are already in a relationship yourself, can you spice up things there?
  • Mention his wife in general conversation. It will remind both you and him that she exists, and will indicate to him that you are being respectful of her and their relationship.
  • Look for things about him that you dislike, and focus on them. if you love cats, and he says cruel things about cats, focus on that! If he has ugly hands, focus on them! If he does something stupid, focus on it!
  • Avoid the temptation to answer personal emails, texts and phone calls from him. If you must answer, keep it brief and impersonal. It's hard, but try to discourage any sort of intimate or private behaviour.
  • Love yourself.  Sometimes we look to men to validate us, because we don't have enough self confidence.  Do something wonderful for yourself ... take a holiday, make some part of yourself over, learn something new, experience something amazing ... You are a fabulous woman.  Go out and live!

Who Knows?

Committed relationships can and do end.

Perhaps you are destined to have a relationship in the future with this man.

If you have been "the other woman", "the affair", "the homewrecker", the chances of a good relationship with him if he does ever become available are very, very slim.

However, if you have conducted yourself with dignity, self respect, decency and integrity, then if at some point this man's marriage fails for a reason other than your interference, you have built the foundations for a solid relationship with him.

Or, by then, you could be happily involved with someone else!  There is ALWAYS hope!

© 2010 herpointofview

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Comments 1331 comments

Anonymous 5 years ago

I have recently come into a situation where I have a crush on a married man. His relationship was on the rocks when I first met him. His wife whom he adores left him for a very petty reason. He didn't think she was coming back to him and we actually had a date planned. Before we could carry on with that, she decided she wanted to try things out with him again. I told him that he should go for it despite my own feelings, and he really does love her. Truly his happiness with his committed relationship means more to me than anything he could possibly find with someone like me. Secretly I hope that his wife will leave him again and that he'll wake up and realize that there is so much more out there for him, but I feel terrible that I have these thoughts about corrupting the sanctity of his marriage. Anyways, I refuse to be the other woman, and I keep hope that I'll find my own mister right. In the meantime I remain friends with this man. Our chemistry is deep, but I can control myself. I think, and hope that the feeling will pass.

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romari 4 years ago from Heaven

thanks for the comment.. it is very helpful especially for me..

i have a crush on a guy who is not married but he's living in with his gf and they have a cute baby girl. i think I like him and i feel nervous and tensed when he is near. i cannot even talk to him directly. and my actions are very obvious.yes i am avoiding him..

but i think this is not enough.. yet your hub is a great help.. thumbs up!

Megan. 4 years ago

This is the best blog I have read about this very difficult and painful experience I am having with a married co-worker in my new position with a great company. I am going to print these wise words and refer to them often to help me through this uncomfortable experience. Thank you so much for you understanding and guidance.

fellowtraveler 4 years ago

I am realizing that I have started developing a strong attraction to on a co-worker who is a married man. He started working w/us a few months ago. He is ex-military - intense, smart, high-energy. I am in a relationship with a man who I've been involved with for 10 years. We have definitely have had our problems. This past spring, after I had hung on for so long - and with many tearful nights - I was about to give up on the relationship, on us, as he didn't want to get counseling w/me but insisted that we only use a relationship book to try to help ourselves. Right about the time I was giving up on us - finally - on the inside, he was diagnosed with cancer. I have stayed with him through all of this time - his treatments, surgery, and a major surgery very recently. I have been his caregiver and travelled to his out of town hospital. In some ways, this whole experience brought us closer - I felt he was actually listening to me. I started feeling closer to him. And I do love and care about him and don't want to stop supporting him through all of this and his recovery. We had not been physically intimate, and were not emotionally intimate, for about a year prior to his diagnosis. I think I am very lonely and hungry for closeness/intimacy on every level. I have controlled myself for a long time, and a former sweetheart has made it clear that he would like to be close to me again. I have not acted on this. It has been very hard for nearly 2 years to not have someone I can really be close and intimate with. I never thought things would be this way. The fellow at work has shared with me information about himself and his life. He is an amazing person. I am realizing I am allowing myself to fantasize about him because of the lack in other areas of my life. I know I will have to be very conscious of myself around him. We have had fun joking around, etc. Nothing overt has happened - just some banter, and a growing interest and attraction toward him on my part. I do think he enjoys the attention. I have been interested in learning about his life, which has involved travel, etc. He also is intelligent and well-educated. And married. I have simply found myself distracted like a schoolgirl with the feeling of having a crush/attraction. I will need to be aware of this, as I realize I have a need for some attention (emotional needs) and I enjoy interacting with him. I hope I can work thru this, these feelings. A lot of it is probably circumstantial.

no name 4 years ago

Thank you. This does seem to help. I've had a long time crush on an old manager. He is married and has wonderful kids. I'm attracted to him inside and out and I feel it's the same for him by how he acts around me and what he says to me. I try to watch what I do because I don't wish to disrespect his family even though I feel I'm in love. Him and I have never spent time outside of work.. I wouldn't want to ask and put him in that situation, even though I feel I could handle being only friendly with him, as hard as it would be, I fear its not a smart thing to try and do, for him me or his family. I'm often more friends with males, and hardly let myself be emotionally attracted to anyone but I can't help it with him. I have no idea how things would turn out if I had the chance but I guess I will never know unless, like you said, somehow his marriage ends, but I wish it the best I just want him happy. He always makes me happy, makes me laugh, treats me better than most. Such a sweet man. It's hard to hold back. Especially when he will make a flirty comment. I wish I could spend more time with him. It makes it even harder that one of our coworkers recently passed away because that makes you want to spend be around the people you care about more because you never know when you may lose them. I have self control and so does he so nothing physical or anything has happened. I'm just looking for things online to possibly help ease the pain of not being able to persue something in my heart. Blah.

fellow traveler 4 years ago

Hi, No Name. If my own comments about my attraction to a coworker helped you a little, I'm glad. You are not alone. And your own story helped me to know that I am not alone, and I thank you for sharing it. Self-control seems to be very important. You are a smart woman with a good head on your shoulders. I, too, have had to exercise self-control. Don't want to hurt others or be hurt myself. I still do fantasize and wonder what it would be like to be in a real relationship with him. But he is still married, even tho' I think there may be some trouble in paradise for him and his wife. However, the high road would be for me to let that work itself out and not interfere. I think part of the attraction is due to the fact that he's the oldest sibling in his family, and I am the youngest in mine. They have found that strong attractions can exist in romantic relationships based on that birth order combination. Also, have you done the Meyers Briggs temperament inventory? I am INFP and he is ESTJ. I was reading that this combo can lead to a very strong attraction. Sigh. I really respect and like this man. It's hard for me not to be affected by fliratious comments he makes sometimes. I also respect and like myself. And I can tell you have a lot of self-respect. I really wish you well, and would welcome any more comments from you. I'm glad to share with you as an online 'sister' of sorts! :-) It helps to talk about it and to hear someone else's perspective. Let's do our best to be self-respectful, wise, and strong.

no name 4 years ago

Fellow Traveler: Thank you for reaponding to my comment. I checked back later just to see if anyone else had a story to tell and was pleasantly surprised to see you took the time to write back to me. I meant to write back earlier but I just found out that with the test, I am also an INFP. This obviously means that you and I not only have a lot in common but that we are strong enough to deal with our situations. And yes, your own story did help me, I appreciate everything you said in it and in your response. Hopefully you are still able to handle your heart with him.. I'm trying my best to do the same with my love. As long as he is in my life I know I can be happy, even if that means he is an email every now and again to say hello. He makes me that happy. I am no threat to his wife, because I am bot trying to interfere with any words or actions. So that I consider self control. My thoughts may be wandering off into another world with him but for that I am not ashamed, because there everything is safe and sound. I hope I'm not sounding crazy, I'm typing on my phone and this comment box made my letters huge so I can't see what I'm typing. Although I probably didn't sound crazy up untold that last line. Or that one. Crap I'm tired. Hope I made you laugh and feel lighter :)

no name 4 years ago

I have had a crush on an incredibly handsome man, who has a beautiful wife and three children. This crush have lasted for about three years. I do not know if he feels the same for me, but I would really love to have some peace of mind. I am also a married women with a great husband who truly loves me. We have three children together as well. I need some help! I have prayed about this thing and I ask the Lord for strength and mercy on a daily basis, and it seems as though my feelings and wants are getting worse. I am now in the stage where I want to tell this man how I feel. I do not want to fall in love with him, I just want a friend; I guess. I do desire to be physically intimate with him, to be honest that is all I want! I think that by telling him how I feel would kind of ease the way I feel. Advice please, and thank you!

Mark 4 years ago

I am a married man of 7 years and have 2 great kids together. I am still very happy and wildly in love with my wife. I have recently become very found and attracted to a co-worker that is relatively new to the company. I think about her from the moment I wake up until, and only in my deepest part of my sleep does she disappear from my mind. I have begun to read everything I can get my hands on about these "crushes". Are they normal, right, human nature and so on. The last time I had these types of feelings towards someone was when I first met my wife. I find it very difficult right now and I would never want to ruin what I have in my life. It's very funny to have these curve balls thrown in my direction at this time and I find this article somewhat helpful. I feel like a complete idiot for having these feelings sometimes as my wife has always said that she knew I was a keeper or that "husband type" material that is difficult to find. I'm not sure I agree with her so much...

Just passing by 4 years ago

These feelings of a crush towards someone other than your mate / spouse are something that happens to everyone. What helps a person to over come these things is to re-kindle the sparks that brought you and your spouse together from the very begining. Especially if the relationship started of with the purpose of supporting one another whole-heartedly. If it was the intimant conversations along with the support that you shared with your partner, reactivate these things within yourselves. Being overtaken by the beauty of another woman or that handsome man really is just a distraction. In reality you have the same thing at home. For some who may have a wonderful spouse, what may draw their attention away towards a potential crush / fling is due to the lack of attention that is shared at home with the one in whom they are commited to. If any person male or female is having wholesome healthy communication at home with their mates, the attraction towards someone outside of their relationship will quickly come to nothing but just a thought. Yes you may say that he/she is an attractive person with a nice personality but that is as far as it will go because you know what you have at home waiting for you and that you cherish and support that with all within you. Any healthy relationship that you may have with your partner will give you the power and the ability to dismiss any thoughts of wanting to feed into the possibilities of entertaining any crush. When husband and wives keep the romance alive in the relationship they are really safeguarding their relationship from any distractions.

haru 4 years ago

hi! thank you so much for the enlightenment!

really i am developing a strong feeling towards this person.

he is married and i am married too.

i don't know if he likes me too!

but we always bump each other

anywhere in the company even in the comfort room area.

he was the one who taught me everything about my work before

and i know he was so irritated to me mainly because of language barrier.

i even heard he doesn't like me at all.

but in fairness to him,so kind and always helping me out.

once i was all ok on my tasks already i never ask him anything again.

so happy for that at least i cant see him often.

but the more i am avoiding him,

the more the situation seems near for the both of us.

we constantly have eye contact.

i can feel he's trying to talk to me but maybe hes just controlling over it!

but then if we are in the group situation it seems

he asks so many things about me & interact each other more.

if only the two of us left in the room,

i can feel we want to chat each other more,

but where trying to control it and so quiet instead.

the weirdest thing is if im thinking of him,

that hopefully he will call me or we could see

each other on that certain area in the company,

honest to goodness, it really happens! it works!

is he my soulmate?

but i know we love our own partners in life.

Tempted 4 years ago

Gosh, I think we should start our own support group here, lol! My situation is very similar to what others have written. My boss is very charming and charismatic, perhaps I should say to me, as he tends to get a plethora of complaints from others for being too taciturn, rude, or seeming to be a know it all. Compare that to when we work together; he's funny, protective, delightful, and we have far too much in common. We are the same age, with so many of the same geeky interests, right down to our taste in music, that I find myself asking "why in the world didn't we meet BEFORE he got married?" The thing that bothers me most about this is that I've noticed that he has brought his wife up in conversation more, but not in a good way. He's discussing her bad traits a lot, looking at me with this trapped expression. There's nothing I can do about it, she is what he chose to marry five years ago. I guess I'm writing because I want to be able to let go. Nothing has happened, and no matter how much I want something to happen, I know that morally it isn't anywhere close to being right. And I know that no matter how much we flirt with each other and straddle that "don't cross that line"-line, short of him leaving his wife and doing some soul-searching and deciding that we are the better match, short of all those things, we can never be. And I would say you have no idea how badly it hurts. But I know a lot of you do. And let me just say that I was one of those ultra-pious women who had her nose pointed firmly in the air when I heard about other women struggling with being the "other woman". I hereby admit my humility, for now I know exactly how it feels. And it isn't fun. Not at all.

fellow traveler 4 years ago

Hi, Tempted - I am proud of you for knowing what to do in this situation. Yes, it does hurt a lot - I can relate. It is so complicated. I have strong feelings of admiration for the person I'm attracted to, yet he is married and I am in a long-term relationship. We never know what will happen in the future - if our respective relationships don't work out, perhaps years down the line, there's always a possibility two people can get together. But an involvement under the current circumstances would cause a lot of problems and pain. But I do understand the emotional pull and desire for closeness with someone, esp. if that has been lacking in the current relationship. Sigh. Yes, a support group would be nice! LOL I think this is a suppport, actually. Good to know we are not alone - thought I was an odd duck.

David 4 years ago

Best way to let a married person you like them is to not tell them i.e.

That way if they're not interested nothing changes in your relationship with them

Fellow Traveler 4 years ago

I realize that some of my previous comments on this topic were so wise and mature. I have noticed lately that I look forward to going to work on days I know he'll be there. We have shared conversations about aspects and activities of our lives outside work and laughed and joked, and I am feeling an emotional attachment to this person. Interestingly, we are on different sides of the political spectrum, but since he is articulate and intelligent, some of those differences just seem to heighten (for me) the attraction. I do find myself thinking about him a lot and fantasizing. He is married and I want to be respectful of that fact and realistic. I don't want to have an affair or fling. I am starting to feel a bit foolish and feel that my emotions are exposed. Also feel a bit embarrassed - what if his wife knew how I feel? Any words of empathy, support, and encouragement would be appreciated.

Wishful thinking 4 years ago

It is interesting to read about so many others in this situation, though mine might be a bit more difficult to deal with.

I find myself still crushing on a married coworker after several years of working together on and off at different employers. Now we are in the same workplace again. I struggle so much with this attraction because he is so many things that I find lacking in my husband of almost 10 years. My coworker and I have more in common and we think so much the same way. My husband is an intelligent and caring man, but often a selfish couch potato and so I carry most of the load in running our house and raising our three young children. He is also 12 years older than me, which I think creates almost a generational gap between us and consequently in the way he views our respective responsibilities. He also has addictive and abusive tendencies that have caused major marital issues.

Conversely, my coworker and I are the same age and think very similarly. He is very intelligent, considerate, athletic, high energy, ambitious and intense. He is a great, loving family man and very active in raising his two children - a very dedicated husband and father who shares everything equally with his wife other than laundry duties.

In short, my coworker is everything I wish my husband was. Worse, he is everything I THOUGHT my husband was when I married him. So how do I get my coworker out of my head, and out of my heart? We are good friends (at work). If he reciprocates my feelings I don't think he would ever act on them, but if he did, I don't know if I could stop myself. Or if I would want to. Advice? Thanks...

Tempted 4 years ago

Oh my gosh Traveller, you could be talking about me! I too find myself counting down the days when I'll see him again, and it was especially bad this past week as he was on vacation. I was in such a state of depression those seven days, and didn't even realise what it was until one of my co-workers made a comment on how glad I'll be the day he comes back. And no, my associates don't know I'm in love with him, just that we get on really well. But let me tell you, when he returned, I was over the moon. Yes, I am trying to stamp this out. No, it isn't easy. And I understand exactly what you mean about being afraid of your feelings being made known- I have that fear as well.

soul mate 4 years ago

I found myself feeling a strong connection to my son 's school counselor who I have been meeting with for about seven months now. We talk over coffee on Friday mornings and he makes me smile and feel confident inside. I have never felt this way for anyone before and I know that he is a devoted family man and loves his wife with all his heart. I try not to turn to him when I feel overwhelmed with my own fears and confusion,but I find myself wanting to hear his advice, wanting his opinion, and texting him everyday just to get him to respond with his positive feedback. I think about him constantly. I want a well established friendship because I haven't ever had that in my life either. I just want to do the right thing and never cause him any grief or heartache. I am just so confused on where to draw that line and how to fight these thoughts and feelings I have for him.

Missy 4 years ago

I am a married person with two adorable kids. I thought my life was perfect until I met this guy. It was his last month of his deployment overseas. It started with one hello in the canteen we both go for lunch, then followed by an email inviting me for lunch with his co workers, and the next thing I knew, we became close. I've found him amazing, he was too open about his feelings with sharing his life stories with me. He admitted that he was in a crossroads. We emailed each other back and forth talking our goals, dreams, marriage life. And that I fell in love with him. I never thought I did like him, I never told him how I felt, even though I was open with him in our email, but I never acted my feelings in front of him.. I appeared so distant with him, until the last day of his tour. I hugged him Goodbye and we kissed briefly. I was confused and guilty at the same time but I did admit I love him not knowing why. He admitted he felt connected with me in so many ways but he tried to do the right thing . We continued to be friends as a pal, writing each other, until we drifeted apart.

Missy 4 years ago


The emails lasted for 4 months, and then I found him drifing away, then we both say Goodbye without admitting what we had. I feel sad not hearing from him but at the same time, I felt good that he disconnect with me. It was a great learning lesson for me as I never thought that something is missing in my marriage. And all I was looking is emotional fulfillment which was I was getting from him.

Now I am moving on, at least I am trying to, but still I have a wishful thinking that one day he will say an occasional hello. nothing happened physically but I felt like I have known him all my life.

4 years ago

I'm married to a wonderful man with four adorable kids. I find it so strange these things come out of nowhere, and the shame you feel. I was one of those people that judged as well. I've seen a lot of affairs and the lives it destroys. It's so upsetting to see those around you in pain! Yet out of no where there is this my church of all places that I feel such an overwhelming energy towards. Something I have never felt. He has a darling wife, who I really like and cute kids that he loves. I am not looking for an affair!! I have prayed about it, and want these feelings to go away. I feel like I am betraying my sweet husband with the very thoughts I have about this man. At first, I would catch him looking at me. But now I don't know if that is something in my head. He is so outgoing with everyone, but he seems to keep his distance from me. I totally avoid him. I say hello, and how are you? We are always polite with each other. But I don't know if he is not outgoing with me because he feels what I feel,and it scares him too. Or if he senses mine attraction for him and he probably thinks "I need to stay away from her she's got that look in her eye". Who knows!!! But for the most part I stay clear of him. Yet I am always anticipating when I get to see him again. I find myself getting ready each week, wanting to look good for him! Again, I don't want anything to happen. How could two people that destroy their own families ever really move on and be happy with each other. But I wish I knew if he felt the same way. Somehow, I think if I could know he DIDN'T feel the same way. It would knock be back into reality and where my head should be. But that is something that is never going to transpire. So it's like your trapped in your own mind and body with these thoughts that you can't escape. I'm so tired of thinking about. I wish there was an outsider watching what is happening and tell me what is really going on. Yes, he feels the same for you , No, he doesn't even give you a second thought! I do appreciate all these comments, it has given me a lot of insight. K- I just read back through my comments. I sound like a crazy person!!

Trying hard 4 years ago

Thank you for this page. I am on the precipice of beginning an affair and this page has stopped me in my tracks. My mother did not bring me up to be a problem in other peoples lives. While I believe I could love this man, I will walk away and keep our relationship professional. Thank you for making me realise that I am not alone.

Lost 4 years ago

Omg thank you so much to all of you for sharing your stories. I almost cried... I've been feeling so lost and lonely facing the same situation. Actually I've been feeling so many things since it started but I'm going to try to make it as short as possible.

Married for 6 years, I have a 3 year old. Like one of you commented above, my husband is a very smart and caring man but he LOVES his couch and sports channels!! At first, I thought 'Ok you can't use that as an excuse to justify your behavior' but let's face it, being bored at home doesn't help with these crushes. I did try to talk to him though. I let him know that I was bored and lacking passion and suggested doing more fun stuff together (I didn't talk about the crush at all). And he loves it when we spice it up a little but I almost always have to initiate it. Or if he tries to change his habits, it lasts a few days and it goes right back to the way it was before =/

Anyways, the 'other' guy - that I barely know (and that is the craziest part of it all!) - is a dad at my son's preschool (and THAT makes me feel like a horrible person!!). The first time I saw him something happened. I don't know what, I can't really explain it but I instantely felt the attraction. Let me say that I am not easily attracted to men in general. It's the weirdest thing but even if a guy is very handsome, I'm going to acknowledge it but I really process it like a fact and nothing else, it does not light up any spark in me. I need more. I guess I'm overly 'cerebral'. And I have to say this guy is not even super good looking or anything, really random. Anyways, that first day, I guess it did light up something but I didn't become aware of it until months later. For the following months, we would just smile and say simple things like 'Hi, how are you doing?' when running into each other at preschool. I thought the eye contacts were a little longer than what they should be and there was this 'tension' when we were around each other... but, it could all be in my head. So for a long time, it was nothing more than that and I was just happy to have these short interactions... a real school girl (I feel SO stupid now!). The rest of the time, I wouldn't even think about him. But one day, we threw a bd party for our little one and we invited all the classmates so he, and his family, came. Again, the rest of the time I didn't care about him so I didn't see any danger. But that day, my 'obsession' started. I don't know if it is seeing him outside of school, seeing him more than a few minutes,... I have no clue. For the entire party, I tried to avoid him (which was awkward). Since then (it's been 4 months), I can't get him out of my head. The first weeks after the bd party, I felt really stressed (couldn't sleep, was very anxious, etc...). I just didn't understand (and still don't), what was happening and why. We had a couple more bd parties to attend and he was (they were) there too and the attraction kept on building up. A very stressful and uneasy feeling I wish I didn't have to deal with (lust, denial, guilt, anger... you name it, I went through it all). So I thought 'Ok if I focuse on his wife and his little boy, it will help', but it didn't. I also tried to focuse on negative thoughts about him, like I think his hair is not so nice... (Ok now I feel like a mean and superficial person...) but it didn't work either. I thought I needed to avoid the guy so I did. I try to drop off my son at preschool at a different time so I don't run into him but now that I haven't seen him for over a month, I really miss him and I still can't get him out of my mind.

In between processing all these feelings and trying to come up with ways to get over him, I also thought that since my fantasy had taken over, I just had to try to know him, try to talk to him to be able to see that he's just a 'normal' guy with flaws...' But I can't even act like an normal GROWN UP woman when I'm around him. I'm unable to do small talk like I would with anybody else. We had the opportunity a couple of times to have a conversation but we both go blank O_o And I know, because I saw him around other people, that he is very outgoing, but he's not with me!! So, like another person above said, maybe he can tell I'm uncomfortable around him and/or maybe he is too. Maybe my feelings were correct and he's attracted to me too, or maybe he just thinks I'm a crazy lady!! lol

What else? Of course, I also googled him and found his facebook and twitter accounts and am fighting the growing desire to email him anonymously explaining my situation (as much as I can without compromising my identity) or maybe even have a virtual 'fling' with him (and yes I DO know it's wrong). I'm just lost and exhausted. And I think that if I can 'safely' interact with him somehow the crush will fade. I don't know.

Bottom line is, I didn't look for this to happen. I wish I had not let that first impression develop into something stronger but I really had no idea it could even get stronger for a person you don't even know and without me being aware of it to begin with... Like others said, I had no 'pity' for 'other women'. I really despised them and could find NO excuse for what they were doing. And on the other end, I thought if you're married, your job was to avoid these types of situations, period. Had no clue it was easier said than done. Never thought these situations sometimes develop without you even being aware of it. Even worse I was even jealous when I could tell my husband found another woman attractive. And I too thought I was very happy before meeting this guy, now I know I'm missing something and I still don't know what to do...

Trying hard too! 4 years ago

I can thank you for actions “trying hard”. I am on the other side of your fence being a married man with a crush on a woman out of nowhere…really. I am struggling very much with this crush that has lasted longer than I can bear to handle. I am beginning to think that it is more than a crush and if the person on the other end handled our connection any differently I would be caught between a rock and a hard place. My personal problem is I have no one to talk to about my problem with for obvious reasons and so I look to the internet. I am trying so hard and I love my family. I wonder if it’s possible to carry on as professionals and possibly friends knowing that I have such a deep heartfelt connection with this person. I just want to do so much for this person and can’t find a way to stop caring for them in small ways, is this selfish?, I’m not sure. I believe deeply that fate will have its way and in the end it will all work out. I don’t know where this came from and I am really struggling …

Struggling29 4 years ago

I also am struggling with this. New coworker and I see him everyday. He actually comes and visits me at least two times a day. He has been flirting with me a lot. In a room he flocks towards me he even commented on my hair ... He even invited me hiking up in the woods.

Another co worker has noticed it, only she thought he wasn't married. I am attracted to him too and asked my coworker to help me refrain. I have attracted married men before and have nearly been mauled by them before but haven't resisted. I need help on this badly. I want to change because I know there has to be something I am doing wrong. I tried to just cut off communication with him but after reading this and many articles I am worried it will make him more forward. It is helpful to know that I'm not alone.

Struggling29 4 years ago

I keep hoping I am imagining his attraction to me in my head... I mean maybe he is just being nice? But then my co worker said he was really flirting with me... He even mentioned something about how it's hard to keep from something when you know you can't have it.... Ahhhh drive me crazy! I'm kind of a lonely girl too ... Easy target or what? Just wish I could erase the feelings

Indy28 4 years ago

I didn't realize this was so common! I just thought I was the only degenerate one with this problem ... I've had a crush on one of a man from my sporting club for a year. He doesn't know it and never will. I'm friendly towards him but distant, and if we embrace in greeting, I always pull away first and make it as quick as possible. I feel elated and happy when I see him, but also feel embarrassed and ashamed that I feel like this towards another woman's husband. Someone on here said that they think of the person last thing at night and first thing in the morning. This is me too. I feel petrified that I'll murmur his name in my sleep and my partner will overhear but fortunately this hasn't happened yet. I have already done what the article suggested, and have focused on his negative points, and this has helped! I adore this man but can never let it show - so it's a really odd, bizarre situation for me and one I hope I really get over soon, because it's distracting to me and I feel disloyal towards my partner just for thinking about this other man.

ohhmyword 4 years ago

So i have a crush on this married man. I live in an apartment complex right off an army base. I would see this guy a few times a week out and about at the complex and we had great chemistry after a couple weeks i find out through someone else that he is married. For only a month and a half. But here the kicker she lives in Michigan because she is going to school. Now your telling me that in those 2 weeks there was not an opportunity for him to bring her up. You havn't even been married 2 months wouldn't you be all excited and happy about your new wife and want to tell other woman.

Helps 4 years ago

I'm so glad I found this site, I'm married with 2 lovely boys and a husband who loves me. There have been so many issues; his language, selfishness, shouting at the kids, shouting at me in front of family and making scenes in public... Have come to terms with that so I thought, and everything seems to be improving until my work trip was diverted and I bumped into this married man at the airport. He was the first to speak to me and when I walked into the lounge and sat by alone, he came and stood next to my seat and started talking. He kept looking at me and I thought I could notice this twinkle in his eyes. Later we boarded the plane and I didn't talk to me because he slept on the night-flight. When we were about to land he gave me his business card, I didn't know what to do so I gave me mine just so he'd be the one to contact me. When I walked out of the airport, I heard someone behind me and he was the one, wished me a good weekend and placed his hand on mine and commented that maybe we'd see each other again. Gosh! my life has never been the same, I feel so guilty, I can't stop thinking about him; he's the first and last thing I think about. I have all these fantasies in my. I feel so guilty. I have always had such a high moral ground and now look what is happening to me. I don't even know what to do because I think he must have felt something too in order to decide to give me his car. I wish I could say that I didn't want anything to happen but I know I'd so desperately want to see him. My life couldn't get worse. I don't where my relationship would go but I do not want it to go down because of this. Why did I meet him? I was so happy in my limbo and now he has exposed all the things have been lacking. Whatever his relationship situation is, I do not want to be the other woman who caused chaos. I hate myself for what I feel right now. Thank you for your honesty here, at least I know I'm not a nutcase, evil, woman!

Hurting101 4 years ago

I have been happily married for 10 years. I have 2 beautiful children and I love my life... Before I got married I had a major crush pretty close to the real thing for a man whom was married.. I kepy my mouth shut and eventually moved on, but never forgetting him or how I was falling in love with him.. About 2 years ago I came into contact with him again and its like nothing has changed. he is my best friend, I seek him first with any news or problems and recently he has consumed me and my thoughts.. I jitter and and my heart takes off on a high speed chase when I see or talk to him. I recentley found out that he has the same feelings. He is still married, to a different woman and has a beautiful family and by no means do we want to break our families up but how in the heck do I stop my feelings.. The last time I felt like this was when I met my husband.. Will it ever really go away? Will I really ever get over my first love?

Fellow Traveler 4 years ago

Hurting101, I feel your pain. I don't have any easy answers. I, too, find my thoughts turning to a certain someone. I think once there are strong feelings of attraction along w/frequent contact w/the person and sharing/openness, the momentum of the emotional bond speeds up. It's hard to fight. The feelings may never go away. But how we act is a choice and may involve an incredible act of will not to act on powerful emotions/needs. We tend to (whether we are aware of it or not) seek out opportunities to talk with the other person. Reducing contact will be difficult but may be necessary to avoid a disaster. It may help to talk w/a counselor.

Irs 4 years ago

Mark, I feel the same way, I haven't felt this way since, the day I first met my sons father 7 years ago. I never thought in a million years I would be in this type of situation. Hope all is well with you!

Nona-999 4 years ago

I recently developed a crush on a married man - and just for fun I did a google search about it and found this page. Thanks for writing this, it all puts it into perspective. Though I _did_ know that I'd never be and could never be "the other woman" - I'm just not cut out for something like that. Myself I'm divorced with a gorgeous daughter. This guy - when I first met him, I didn't even give him a second glance. But then when I saw him again - the way he looked at me - kinda threw me off guard - he has such cute eyes. Then I bumped into him at my office building...! At the time I did not know he was married. But I made a point to check for a ring, and he has one....

Knowing that he's married makes realize that a) nothing could ever come of it unless he was no longer with his wife and b) that there are good men out there, and it would be a good exercise for me to think about what it is that I find attractive about him and try to find someone with these alluring qualities - though this is easier said than done :)

Anyhow, my point is - even though I tend to think about him sometimes, I am strong and know that I wouldn't ruin the lives of other people involved.

sonisagra 4 years ago

Great post! I was the OW. We met online through a mutual friend, we started talking on the phone. We bonded over music & other things in common. I flew & met him & our mutual friend in his city 3 weeks later for a concert. Fell in love. I flew back to my city & we kept in touch for the next 2 months. We started saying "I love you". We planned on me moving to his city. He sent flowers/candy. I see these woman who had affairs with their MM for years & years. I couldn't live like that. I put a SHITLOAD of pressure for him to tell his wife as soon as he started making promises.

My ex-bf ended up coming back in my life when he heard about this MM. He wasn't having it. I figured oh well, if the MM's going to drag his feet leaving his wife, than I'm going to get back w/ my ex, as a way to try to get the MM to make a move. When I told the MM that my ex wanted to get back with me, that's when he decided to tell me that he could never leave his wife because of his son (age 18) who still lives at home. We were both sad but we knew we had to let go. We knew I couldn't live as the other woman & he couldn't live a double life.

He did call me a few times even after we called things off, but when I would call him, he started to be a real dick. He hung up on me a few times or was short with me. It was ok for him to call me & tell me about his day but he acted weird when I called him. I started to think that he probably thought he got away with murder. I even got paranoid thinking that the MM might've got right back into another emotional/physical affair with someone else. I thought, I know this mother trucker didn't come into my life, turn it upside down & now he disrespects me by hanging up on me. WASN'T GOING TO HAPPEN! I regretfully lost my temper & emailed his wife. She replied & thanked me for emailing her. I felt bad a week later & called him twice. I wanted to apologize & tell him I felt used, led on & lied to. He never answered. Finally a month later he answered & talked to me. He said she decided to forgive him & stay with him & I told him I respected that & that I won't try contacting him again & I haven't.

That was over 3 weeks ago & I was a mess at 1st. I didn't get out of bed for 9 days. Good thing I have a savings account. Work was not an option. I didn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I cried several times a day. Like you say I had to reflect on who I was & dissect every fiber of my being. It sucks. But it's been over 3 weeks & I feel 10 times better. I learned a few lessons & am learning a ton about myself. I no longer wonder if I will ever see him again. It doesn't matter much if I do or I don't. I wonder how he is doing & I hope he is well. I forgive him & with that comes forgiveness for myself...every day gets better, just hang in there.

Mark 4 years ago

Irs, all is well considering the circumstance i put myself in. I still have this so called “crush” and have not been this confused in my entire life. It’s funny how that works; I thought I always knew what I wanted in life and believed I had it until that one day when I first met eyes with this women something changed. I’m not sure what it was and/or is but it’s something I’ve only encountered once before and seems to be out of this world. I still feel very guilty for thinking about this and even typing it right now but it’s something I must deal with. I’m really not sure how it’s going to pan out, maybe I will one day just laugh it off, or it can be a lifelong friendship gained or one lost…only time will tell that I’m certain. In the mean time I will act as a professional and try not to let my emotions lead the way, I’m just not sure how easy this will be. Hope all is okay with you!

Silly 4 years ago

Thanks for this page. It's been really comforting to read your stories and comments with no judgmental comments...

I have been having a crush on a married colleague for the last few years and I'm worried that recently my feelings have become more serious than just a crush. We first met on a workshop and I remember how I liked him the first moment I saw him. It felt like love at first sight (even if it was one-sided) which I have never felt before. Since then we somewhat we developed a friendship, months would go by without us seeing/talking each other and then there would be periods where we would just start to chat again. We don’t work together at all. I didn't tell him for a long time that I was in a relationship because I was going through a rough phase with my bf. But I felt he started to distance himself a bit when I finally told him. At certain points in the past few years, I also chatted to him about my problems with my bf, he was trying to help me with work issues etc. In fact somewhat if I needed anything I felt I could always reach out to him, I sometimes felt he was more of a constant in my life than my bf has been… Although it wasn’t that I always go running to him! He just somehow always re-appears back into my life at moments when I needed him. Over the past month, I have been very unhappy about the state of my relationship, it’s been emotionally so painful. My colleague suddenly popped up again over IM and asked me how I was etc. Prior to that, it’s been months since we last chatted or saw each other (must have been six months at least!)

So we started catching up again over IM, he told me about problems at home (wife), stress levels, work changes etc. etc. and over several online chats we somehow started flirting, I think it was flirting, he was teasing me. There definitely was some sexual innuendo. He even spontaneously offered to treat me to dinner. He really lifted my spirits, he made me wanted to LOL in front of my computer screen. So the other day I thought I may just go to his desk and say hi (he works on a different floor) and I just caught him finishing a conversation with somebody else. I felt the way he looked at me that moment (we haven’t seen each other properly for months!) was somewhat “different”. I could see his glance moving from my face and down my body. Like he was stunned. And I was stunned myself at his reaction. But I realised that he was not as flirtatious and friendly when facing me than he is over IM. Maybe it’s the office environment? Or is it me?! He later came for some work drinks and only stayed ten minutes and chatted with me only and left again to go back to the office to finish his work. When he left, he lightly stroked my arm as if he wasn’t actually touching me at all. He kept asking me what’s wrong, as if he actually sees the sadness within me. I almost broke down in front of him, I wanted to pour my heart out to him but I still couldn’t because I didn’t want to feel sad again or have him see my cry. Although all I wanted was to cry and have him give me a hug. I feel bad now that I may have scared him off.

I know in a way it doesn’t really matter. He is taken! And yet I care so much whether he actually likes me back! I have never stopped liking him but I knew because he was married and I was with someone else we could only be “friends”. It just felt more intense lately, not sure if it’s because we started flirting and be more daring in our banter (but still rather funny than overly sexual). I am just thinking whether I am starting to feel more than just a crush for him… I know people may say, it’s just distraction for either side, flattery, ego boost… but we are also friends and there is a mutual trust between us, too. There is actually not much hope for anything more, I just can’t help myself feeling the way I feel now. I'm confused and I actually miss him – somehow.

Any thoughts? Advice? Thanks!

Ms. 23 4 years ago

Same with my situation today. I have a coworker he is our IT Manager he has a 3 children's and me i have a 1 daughter. we start closed each other when we have some audit. he always email because I'm the secretary of one department that's why we always communicate.I can imagine that everyday we talked and communicate by email I felt fall in love with him I always think him so much I want to be beautiful every time we see each other. I always make a way to see and to talked. I don't know if we same feeling.One time when we talked he said he always priority me every time I have a request. we have a eye contacts when we talked I'm controlled my self because I in love with him please help me I want to save my marriage

lilo 3 years ago

So true. Since meeting the married man 2.5 months ago we have only had phone and email contact. I was so obsessed and thought I was in love and still believe I could be. BUT he is married, with wife and two wonderful, lovely kids, a great job, great home, great attitude, so cute!!! So very smart, funny, and kind as well. How could I not be in love, I even think we are soul mates. BUT he is married. I am and have been waiting for the next stage of our relationship, but this is foolish and selfish. The best advice is to move on and keep in mind that maybe one day, it will all work out if that is what the stars had in mind, but for now HE IS MARRIED. And I really don't want to get into that. So I have decided to release all emotions I am having and start from scratch. I don't have to be angry with him or I or his life. I am happy that he is doing so well in life and I should recognize this is one of the main reasons I fell for him.

Unknown 3 years ago

It’s been about a year and a half now and I still have a crush on truly wonderful person. At first I thought it was just that but now I am really beginning to wonder. We seem to have been drawn together on what some might call a collision course. This person is in my mind for the entire day, every day even though I am married. I just wish I could tell this person exactly how I feel about them and what they mean to me. I’m not entirely sure what the next step is. All I know it that when we are together, under any circumstance; there is nowhere in the world I would rather be! I never really understood my teachers growing up when they said “being an adult you will have much tougher decisions to make in life and you must be prepared for it”. I never would have imagined in a million years it would be this difficult.

On looker 3 years ago

Well well well. The whole of the stories and comments I've just spent the last half an hour reading have been enlightening and interesting.

My crush began 2.5 years ago at 'his' daughters 5th b'day party. My son was attending along with other children and parents from the same school. For me, and for both of us, it was an instantly, powerful attraction as soon as our eyes met. Immediately I asked the hostess of her child's party, 'who's that guy sitting over there?' The response was, 'that's my husband, why?' I was elated and deflated at the same time. Throughout the event I could feel the intensity between us and later during a conversation with his wife he came over to join us and asked if I'd like to go over to their place the next day to help in their orchard. I didn't go because of other commitments but I spent days after that replaying our first encounter, wondering if it was just me that felt the 'bolt of lightening', for he was married, he gave me the invite in front of his wife, he surely was just being kind and friendly ?

The only times I see this man is at school drop off and pick up. Since that first time we met he hardley spoke to me but was polite, always saying hello, good morning, etc though always with those eyes, melting me from the inside. I decided then that it was just a crush fuelled by my own insecurities and emotional needs and that it was all one sided on my part. Although I was single and he was married, whatever feelings were going on, it was I that was going to have to deal with it and get over it someway. I decided to take my son to school as late as possible to avoid seeing him and this helped. When term times ended it helped too allowing me longer periods of going without my fixes of even seeing him momentarily or spotting his car en/off route.

Divalicious Gal 3 years ago

i am currently having a crush on a married teacher at my school.He is so smart, have a nice voice and he is extremely cute.We are friends and day by day when i see him ,its like i get to love him more.The problem is that i dont think he notices this and it kills me.I wish i was able to open up to him but i cant....

Chris 3 years ago

Mark, how have you been going on with this? as I found myself being in the same situation as yours...

Broken 3 years ago

I to have a crush on a married man at work, and after a very abusive marriage, that ended badly, it sends mixed feeling and emotions. I feel all happy for the attention, but sad knowing that it's going to go nowhere, and he would be hurting his wife in the process, and I've met her once or twice, and I just couldn't do that to her, so I'm friendly but distant to him at work. They're going thru a very rough patch and they don't need any more drama in there life. But it's also refreshing to me, knowing that I do have a chance for love, just not with him, although he is a wonderful man, and I pray one day that I do find someone like him, but for now I'm just going to learn how to love myself, and my life, and go on. It sounds so easy writing it like that, but it's not, it's a struggle everyday at work, he smiles, flirts, and makes small talk, and it tears me up. But hopefully one day I'll fall in love with a single guy.....

missing him 3 years ago


I am currently facing similar situation as most of the one here. He's a married co worker . we have been known each other for about 4 years, before he is attached. But we were not as close friend at that point of time. Things changed ever since 2 years ago where our department dissolved and we were transferred to different department and due to we are new to our new department, we talked to each other a lot. My feeling started to grow towards him. To the extent I'm looking forward to working days rather than off days and missed him a lot when he was on long leave, knowing that he is on vacation with his wife. I have never thought of letting him know anything about my feelings for him, and hope the best for him. He complained to me before that he's never really being happy except for the moments he is playing with his wonderful kids. Deep in heart, I will always wish he could be happier. We even talked about our life passion, interest and dreams and I do find a lot commons between us. I also hope to be able to help or at least support him achieving his dream, but I knew I'm not in the capacity to do so. I don't mean to hurt anybody in this case. Thanks for having such a support group so that we can share our stories and knowing we are not alone.

missing him 3 years ago

* continue

sometimes I wish to get some small gift for his lovely daughter, but in my deep conscience keeps preventing myself from doing so. When i stand in her shoes, she would probably tell me (in my opinion), "if you really care about me, please leave my daddy alone. Don't be my home wrecker". My heart just crushes.

I know as a woman, I have to love myself, but as long as he is happy, I will be happy too. Thus my concern is as long as i know what am i doing and what am i feeling right now. I've even promise to myself that i will never think of what he felt towards me. This is not what I want to focus on (rationally), but it's of course easier to said than done. sometimes, its just drive me crazy.

Terri 3 years ago


I am in a worse situation than the character of the post. I have been dating a married man, but before I knew he was married, everything was perfect. Then, just by his carelessness, and my snooping, I found out he was married, and at that time he stated that they get a divorce soon. This or next month. So, now, the wife knows about me, and I know about her, but he swears there is nothing there. I'm seeing pictures, but he says it's so she can't say he didn't try in court, but it's just pictures and nothing more. So, after all the bs, I've changed my number, and he found me on facebook, and went into a huge rant about how I was wrong and he was working on moving forward with me. He has tried to impregnate me, and everything. I want to walk away, but it is so hard. Changing my number was the fist step. But, we still talk through email and stuff.

Henry 3 years ago

This is the most understanding article I've read so far.

It's comforting.

Thank you.

PDGG 3 years ago

I've been with the company for almost two years. He is a boss, but he is not my boss, he doesn't even work in my "department." So, here goes...I met him on my first day. When we were introduced and shook hands, I felt waves of electricity, wind, water, name it..hit me all at once. There were some other people standing around (besides my boss), but I can't even remember who they were because all I could see was him. Then I saw his wedding ring. Damn. Oh well. But then as months went by, I thought I noticed him looking at me sometimes, laughing a little too hard at my jokes, and teasing me from time to time. I thought well maybe he does this to everyone, so I tried not to read too much into it. It wasn't until one day, about a year ago, out of the blue, that he came up beside me and got realllly close (I was caught off guard, but I loved it, by the way) that I thought maybe he does like me a little. So, the friendliness kept up, and I began to care more and more for him. On his birthday, (a milestone) me and a friend surprised him. You know, foil in the office, toilet paper, birthday cake, shrink wrap the car, but he was such a good sport and he loved it all. He hugged me a lot that day and it was such an amazing feeling being in his arms. I wanted to stay there forever. Well, after that day, there was no stopping my runaway heart. The intense feelings I felt that first day have grown into love and I think about him all the time. He still flirts with me some, and we are friends, but I wish we were more. I think he might feel the same way, but I don't know if he would admit it because he's married. He's really a wonderful man, and everyone I've ever met at work think the world of him. I love him, so I don't ever want to do anything to hurt him. Sometimes, when I am close to him, I want to kiss him so badly. When our eyes meet, it is still like lightning for me. When he is in the room, or walking by, or I hear his voice, everything and everyone else just fades away.

This is especially a struggle for me because I am divorced, my ex-husband left me for another woman. He left me with four children and it was hell to get over that. I vowed I would never ever do what was done to me. So this is why this is so hard for me.

I realized something today. My favorite time of day is when I pick up my children after work and they run to hug and kiss me. It is the absolute best. I love my babies. :)

My second favorite time of day is at night. After the kids have gone to sleep and I am alone in my bed. It is dark and quiet, and I can let my heart run free. Because all day long, I keep my feelings locked up because I can't let anyone see how I feel. At home, I don't want my children to see me crying, so I wait until bedtime. I think about him, listen to music and think of him, write about him, smile about him, cry about him, and then I eventually fall asleep and he is there in my dreams. At night, no one can see. No one knows that I am in love with a married man and it's finally okay to let it out.

Thanks to anyone who listened.

unconditional love 3 years ago

Hi all, Is has been a real great experience to read this page and find out how normal it is to have real love and feelings for someone who is already married.

unconditional love 3 years ago

I am an unmarried girl and was about to get married, but i fell in love with this caring and loving man, who is 8 years elder to me yet loves me a lot and i too love him a lot, tough i know he has two kids and we can't marry eachother, yet we both have left it on the Almighty to decide it for us, as the fact is he and his wife do not get along well and she left him for few months and went to his parent's home with her kids. she then asked for divorce from him but this man wanted to still could not as he could not see his children suffering for their quarrel. He did not agree to give her divorce and patched up for his children's future. Even I did not suggest him to do the same, because i love his children too as he loves me as much as he does his children and his mother. His wife is getting too harsh on him, as she patched up with her on various conditions like this man will not meet his mother, sisters, brother ,relatives nor will any of these people visit their house. and that she would only patch up if he takes a new house for her and the kids where none of the above mentioned relatives turn up. nor will she or her kids and not even this man will ever talk to the above mentioned people over phone call. Just imagine the case of this man... he is in a very tough situation. I hardly could talk to him over the phone call during his office hours or rarely meet him if he is free for sometime. We guys truly love each other and can not think of leaving each other. we both care for each other and yet have strong faith in God. This man wants to marry me but only thing that stopped him are his children. I am ready to fight all the odds of my life for him, even ready to hear all that comes from my parents for their unmarried daughter as they don't know why i am not ready to marry.I told him whenever he feels his children are adult and that they are set in life then he could think of getting married to me as i will still be waiting for him all my life with even more love, respect and patience. Please comment or give any suggestions that could help me fight all the odds of my life that comes in the way of attaining my love. Many many thanks :)

confused indian 3 years ago

Recently I met a very charming girl at my workplace. she is intelligent, workaholic and career oriented all just like me. I am married and have kids but me and my wife are on the verge of separation. In a recent conversation, she was surprised to know that I am married. I am feeling very crappy that she did not know anything about me and I never told her about my family. I have real strong feelings for her and not sure what to do…. very confused.

trying to survive you 3 years ago

I'm a single mom, (divorced) and I'm in love with a married man I work with. He is not my boss, and not in my "department" exactly. When I first met him, lightning, wind, waves of everything hit me all at once. Then I saw his wedding ring. Damn. It was my first day at work, and there were other people standing around when we met, but I can't remember who they were because all I could see was him. *sigh* It's been almost 2 years since I met him. He flirts some, and sometimes I think he likes me, too. But I also don't think he would ever say anything because I am sure that he loves his wife. On his birthday, we hugged several times and it was so wonderful to be in his arms. I wanted to stay there forever. I love him and don't want to hurt him in any way so I keep my feelings locked up. I try very hard not to show my love for him.

My favorite time of day is when I pick up my kids after work. They run to see me and it is the best feeling. I love my babies.

But my second favorite time of day is bedtime. Because there, alone in the dark, no one can see me. Then I can let it all out. I can think about him, write about him, dream about him and no one knows except me. At night it doesn't matter, no one knows that I am in love with a married man and I can admit it out loud.

I know that I can never tell him, but it helps to let it out here. It is something I am trying hard to deal with. I just have to keep my heart from going crazy every time he's near. Not an easy task. But I refuse to get depressed. I am determined to remain happy and be the best mom I can be and give my best to my job as well.

Thanks to anyone who listened.

Confused 3 years ago

I am so happy I came upon this page. I can relate to a lot of the stories on here. I am in a similar situation. I have developed a crush on this married man I don't even know anything about. I am married as well. Clearly we are lacking something in our marriage, or else I wouldn't be attracted to this other man. I feel that our feelings are mutual eventhough we have never talked to each other, except for occassional hi's. Every time we see each other, I feel like we get lost in each other's eyes. I can go on and on. This is emotionally exhausting. I just don't know what to do. Help.

PDGG 3 years ago

@Confused: If you can avoid him, I would advise that. But if you see him all the time (at work, like I do) it is even more difficult. I know what you mean about getting lost in each other's eyes. His eyes just kill me when they meet mine. Whenever I hear his voice or know he's near, my heart starts pounding. I sympathize with you. I'm not married anymore, but I know the struggle you have. When I was married, there were other men that tried to be with me. My marriage was very rocky, but I was always determined to be faithful, but the temptation was strong. Too bad my then husband didn't feel the same way. I don't know if you are lacking something in your marriage, but I do know that it is normal to be attracted to someone else. It just happens. It took me a long time to realize that feelings are just feelings. You cannot help who you are attracted to. Acting on them is something else. Writing about it, praying about it, or what ever you do to sort through feelings helps. But I wouldn't tell anyone close to you about your feelings. This is the time where the kindness of strangers comes in handy. I wish you all the best. :)

confused 3 years ago

Thank You so much for getting back to me PDGG.

missing him 3 years ago

@PDGG: I've too had the similar experience as yours. It is the best feeling to have him in my thoughts especially when i am driving alone and alone in my bed, listening to my favourite songs and smile to myself thinking about him.

Sometimes when we are really close, i really wish that we could hug and kiss for once. But i keep telling myself, this is an unethical thought.

PDGG 3 years ago

@missing him: I feel for you. I like how you say "it is the best feeling to have him in my thoughts." It does feel good, doesn't it? One of the things that has helped me is to accept my feelings for what they are. I have admitted to myself that I love him (after months of denying it.) I seem to have less turmoil in my mind since I have done that. I still feel guilty sometimes, yes, but, I deal with it better now. My personal opinion is that I don't believe the feelings or thoughts are unethical. Acting on them, while he is still married however, would be unethical. Would I love to be in his arms and kiss him like he's never been kissed before? Absolutely. But it will have to stay a fantasy of mine unless someday he becomes available and he somehow wants me, too. Stay strong. It will be ok. :)

missing him 3 years ago

@PDGG: yes, I do admit that I love him. I wish all the best for him, I wish I could be his listener (if he willing to pour out his feelings/problems to me), his assistant (if he need someone to help/support him under any circumstances) and someone who will be there for him to accompany him when he is down or lonely or whenever he needs me. A lover and a best friend. But deep in my heart, I knew that I'm not in the capacity to do so, until, like what you said, "someday he becomes available and he somehow wants me, too"

I've even dreamt about him most of the nights. The dreams are so real that i wish they are the reality.

Thanks for reading. Stay strong too :)

PDGG 3 years ago

Dear Hub Author: Please delete the previous two posts which are obviously spam.

herpointofview profile image

herpointofview 3 years ago Author

Thanks PDGG. Have done. Sometimes they slip in before I have a chance to check. Thanks also for your own contributions, and to everyone who has shared his or her story. I'm really quite overwhelmed and touched by the positive and supportive response. You are all totally inspiring.

missing him 3 years ago


How are you? It's weekend again. The thoughts of him spending loving time with his wife nearly killed me. Deep in my heart, I knew this is so wrong. So I've been telling myself if that's what makes him happy, why not?

PDGG 3 years ago

@missing him I'm doing ok. Trying to stay busy with my kids and catching up on housework. I totally admit that I have those feelings too, sometimes. It hurts to think of the man I love in someone else's arms. But if I think about how happy he seems, and the smile she must put on his face, it takes the edge off a little. She and his family are probably the reason why he is the awesome guy that I'm crazy about.

But....ugh! Gotta go do something to get him off my mind! :) Here's hoping you have an awesome rest of your weekend!

daydramd 3 years ago

I would like to thank you for this post, you managed a different approach than all others found on the internet, in the attempt to make us look human, and not just bad persons. Also, the comments were very conforting and useful to me.

I have developed a crush on a co-worker whom is also my superior somehow, but from another department. He is 12 years older than me, but still handsome. We are in a mentorship relationship, as I find him to be a sort of savior in a pretty nasty business environment where quality work and innovation are viewed reluctantly. I am very passionate about my work, and we seem to click on that, although he is perceived as chaoting when it comes to work and even feared by others. He is very intuitive about me, even when it comes to e-mail writing, and I think I am too. I always wait for his "Thx, M" reply as if it were a love statement :)) Foolish, I know...

I tend to meet him by accident often, even outside the work environment (maybe this contributed to my feelings, maybe thinking that there must be something there).

I feel miserable for wanting him so much especially because he acts morally all the time (he copies other persons in e-mails, he gets another person in our face to face conversations most of the times, he never compliments me for anything but work, no stupid gazing, nothing else that I would secretly wish for so badly), he is only being a gentleman and a thaughtful coach. I love everything about him, his chaotic way of dealing with things but in the same time being very sharp, his kind eyes hindered by a perfectly suited pair of glasses, his laughter, his way of treating everybody with fairness, his shoulders, his preference for white shirts, his humour, everything, although I have absolutely no sign from his part, not an obvious one whatsoever.

People say he likes me (in a professional way), I like him too, but in another way. He is a (happily, I think) married man, having also a cute kid. I am in my late 20's, having a boyfriend whom I care for, a great carrier, and no confidence issues, but I feel that if I only knew he liked me in that sense too but resisted it for obvious reasons, that would make me feel the happiest woman on earth, it would be enaugh. It is like a perfect love I would have had in a parallel universe.

I cannot figure out why this has happened to me, as I am too a moral person, and, as a paradox, very judgemental regarding these types of behaviours (so much for that :)). I simply fell in love, like for the first time in my life, and I know is wrong, and going anywhere. Is that kind of "can't live without you" feeling, but now lust has made its entrance too, maybe because I am older now 8-). I understand all the feelings described by everybody, day dreaming, being miserable while he is on vacation and longing for him to come back, waiting for some time alone with my thoughts about him, fantasizing we could run away together just for a perfect night. Sometimes I feel like my only luck is that he does not give a damn, otherwise he would have me on a plate :))

I am an unexperienced woman and I would not know how to act on it (I am not sure that I would even notice if he responded), but nevertheless I am now afraid he could somehow know for I might be blushing or be too passionate in working with him or even avoiding him (his eyes, his company) in the attempt to hide my feelings. I hope not... Also, I am afraid these feelings of mine might last more, as it is already almost one year since I first let my feelings burst (until then it was only a "no chance" thing, I do not know why it further developed).

I know this is wrong, and I am trying to fight it, and the mere fact to be able to write all the above has already made me feel better.

In my process of stopping this feeling (“hoping he feels the same way” phase, so a big way to go from here), I found this post that really made me think about how the universe can compensate us for doing the right thing, rather then punishing us for such a great state of heart we were given, and for really caring about a person that faith has it is unavailable. This approach is likely to determine far more good decisions.

@ everyone: thank you for being so open, and for being such good persons; only truly good people balance between what is right and what is wrong; I wish you all the best, may you be granted the opportunity to find happiness aside these torments

3 years ago

Thanks for this post..It really support me in this difficult situation.I have a crush on this one guy during my secondary school.I keep my feeling as it was until recently i got news that he is going to marry a girl from our school back then.He is still studying,but already have a thought on marriage..It breaks my heart,especially when my schoolmates already congratulating him..

PDGG 3 years ago

Had a pretty good day today. Stayed very busy and just now realized that when I saw him today, I walked away just fine. Not totally sure what that's about, but maybe, just maybe I am finally getting to the point where I am really okay. I mean, there is absolutely nothing I can do about the situation but to let go and just move on with my life. I still care for him very much, and I consider him a friend, but I could never have him, so what would be the point to carry on like I was? I was hurting myself, and I've had enough of that to last me a lifetime. Hope all is well with everyone. :)

missing him 3 years ago

@PDGG: Good to hear that you are doing well right now :)

@daydramd: totally can relate to your sentence “hoping he feels the same way” I've been trying to refrain myself from thinking too much about this as I would not want to know the answer. Perhaps, it's the fear of losing him if he ever avoided me if he found out. Until then, he is still my best friend that I really care a lot.

Feeling ups and downs recently, especially when he is around. All the laughter and joy that he brings really made my day. Hope he feels happy too. Take care everyone, be strong!

PDGG 3 years ago

@missing him Thanks for that. I am doing well, trying to keep it all together. There are still times that I want to be in his arms, but I think that I am very good at hiding my emotions. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

havingmysay profile image

havingmysay 3 years ago from USA

I was curious to read this article as I am on the other side of the spectrum. I was cheated on. My husband met this particular female at work. Over the course of years, they kept in contact and I had reason to believe that their relationship, which to this day he never admitted to, was much more than just a fling. I read emails from them both and she mentioned that she "did not mind the marriage," darling husband professed loving her "no matter what." Keep in mind, to this day he still does not admit he cheated.

It is imperative that people understand a few things. First, all relationships/marriages have problems and issues. If you, as an adult get the whole "we are separated" find out under what circumstances, find out when the divorce will begin and be final. Just because a couple is "separated" does not mean they are conducting themselves as two people not in a relationship.

Second, goes back to the divorce and its progress. If a man wants to leave, he will leave. Ladies, do not be naïve to think that he is not getting a divorce because that mean old wife of his is holding him back. Just like if he wants to sleep with you and if you all it, it will happen, don't for one second think some woman that he is probably badmouthing every chance he gets is holding all the cards. I can bet my life on the fact that my husband made me seem like the Wicked Witch of the West, all the while I was at home crying because he ignored me and wondering where he was when he was gone. My son would cry staring out the window when he left, all the while to be with the girl he met while working at the Bronx Zoo in NYC. Such a great man and lovely lady are they!!!

While we are on the subject, do not for one second believe the "staying for the sake of the kids" crap either. Many men do the least amount with the kids. I am not saying there are not good fathers out there, because there are great ones, however a man can and will be a father if he wants to. He does not have to remain in a relationship/marriage he does not want to be in for the kids sake, unfortunately, the same cannot be said for women. Once again, I can attest to the fact that it is not worth it.

As someone who has been hurt by the lack of integrity, by the disrespect and dishonesty, we ladies need to stick together even if the men are childish and reckless. Karma is a pain in the butt and it will come back to those who take others for granted.

If none of these things sway you to look the other way from someone's husband, maybe the fact that the wife can sue you will. In some states, Alienation of Affection can be used and the mistress can be sued.

Bottomline, how would you feel if you were married to someone who cheated on you and what makes you think it will not happen to you? I may have not been the perfect wife, but never in a million years did I deserve what was done to me...never! Consider this, if a man cheats on the person who is supposed to be his "other half," his best friend, how can you trust him? How can you even fathom trusting someone who stabs their friend in the back?

PDGG 3 years ago

@havingmysay I am not sure you understand the point of this page. This page is for people who are trying to deal with their feelings. If you read a lot of the comments, mine included, you will see that many of us were in previous relationships and have been cheated on before. You are not the only one here that has been cheated on. A lot of the comments here are from people who just had feelings and nothing ever came of their crush. It is a support group, of sorts.

I have been on the "other side of the spectrum," too, as you so eloquently stated. I know what it is to be cheated on. It happened to me again and again over a very long time. It is one of the reasons why I struggle so much with my feelings for this man. I used to be like you and look down on "home wreckers." I used to think I would never ever ever fall in love with a married man because only bad people do that. Well, you know what? I found out that you cannot help who you have feelings for. Having the feelings is not wrong. They are just feelings. Acting on them is something else. Please don't judge people, because you may be on THIS side of the spectrum someday and find yourself in the same situation. I used to say never, too. But I was so wrong. I am so sorry that you have had to endure so much. I truly am. Your story sounds similar to mine, actually. Thankfully, I have been able to forgive the past and move on. It was not easy, and it took a long time, but I did.

Blessings to you and I hope you find the happiness you desire. :)

havingmysay profile image

havingmysay 3 years ago from USA

@PDGG I respect your response, but you mentioned that I should not judge people, so please do not judge me. After my situation I was feeling down on myself, very weak emotionally to say the least. I became friends with someone who was divorce. We became friends due to my issues and the infidelity he also suffered from. In him, I saw everything I missed, everything I could have had. Everyone is different. While I still did not betray my vows I do know how easy it can be when you are in certain situations. For me, I had to look within myself to ask why am I in this situation all around...the one with the cheating husband and the one where I began to wonder about someone else., decided I would not be anyone's "sidepiece" because I am worthy of someone to love me and only me. I decided to step back from this other person for fear of what I may do if I gave in. Some may say we can't help who we love in some cases I care to differ. Could I have cheated...yes, some would even say I get a pass, but did I? We make our own choices. No one has to allow things to go further. My issue is on those who go further knowing that a person is committed. A crush is not a crime, this I know, it is the pain of acting on it that hurts everyone in the end.

I understand I am not the only one who has been cheated on. I never expressed I was the first or will be the last. What I have provided your readers, who knowingly deal with married men, is the other side of it all. Yes, we may have a feeling or two for someone who is deemed untouchable, we may be tempted to act on them but what I was letting them know is to consider someone else for a second before you allow yourself to go further. In addition, I never called anyone a "home wrecker." Those were not my words, they were yours.

PDGG 3 years ago

Sorry. I didn't mean for the "home wrecker" thing to sound like I was quoting you. Just that that is what the other woman is often called in society. Sorry for that misunderstanding.

I think that most of the people here, especially those who have posted recently realize that they cant have the one they want and are just trying to deal with it the best they can.

I believe that feelings just happen and you love who you love. I spent soooo many years being married to a man that just didn't want to be married. I tried everything I could to fix our marriage, but it just wasn't meant to be. In the end, my divorce was the best thing for me and my children. I am so much happier now than I ever was. Yes, I fell in love with a married man. But no, I haven't acted on it and I won't act on it. I used to think that maybe he felt the same way, but I actually now don't think he has any idea how I feel about him. And that's for the best. I am dealing with my feelings one day at a time. Hopefully, the right one will come along for me someday and he will be available. You are right that you are worthy of someone that loves only you. I believe that, too. He's got to be out there, somewhere. I wish you all the best.

SMhere 3 years ago

Can't breathe when my "crush" looks at me. It's been about a year and a half now, and I can't get passed "hi". The opportunity to strike up a conversation without an audience doesn't often present itself, & now he has been promoted, and I hardly see him. I'm married. I love my husband and care about him dearly, but we have been in "just friends" mode for so long now, it's starting to take it's toll on me. I know he would be content to stay that way forever. We don't have children, so basically I'm his forever roommate. I don't want that, I want more. I need more. It's killing me. But back to Mr. Beautiful- yes, he's married. Has at least one (small) child. He's given me "the look", I've definitely felt something there. Bolder people call this chemistry. Can't vouch for his side, but it completely knocks me on my ass, and literally takes my breath away. But as I stated earlier, I don't even see him around anymore, maybe once a month. If I had the opportunity to get to know him, I would take it in a heartbeat. I know the potential repercussions, and I'd still do it. I'm not looking for this man to solve my problems. I know only I can do that. He just wakes something in me that I've let sleep for too long. Hopefully I can find a way to talk to him in the near future.

Jo 3 years ago

I had a summer crush, and when I first met him, it felt like an instant attraction. Both of us are married and sfter weeks of me dressing cute, looking at him, him eyeing me, it was leading me craving/wanting me to contact him outside of the environment/situation by IMing or texting him, he is now avoiding looking at me now which is hard since it felt so positive before! So this article was helpful. I'm glad I'm not alone!

Just Got Complicated 3 years ago

I'm so glad to see I'm not alone. Having a crush on this married man has brought me some of the lowest feelings and scary highs in the last 3 years; I was beginning to think I was crazy.

Met him 3 years ago. He'd been married 3 weeks. 12 years older than me. Not my direct superior, but I do work 'for' him in a manner of speaking.

We met during a meeting 6 weeks after he'd started his new job- room full of people, people I've known years, yet I caught him looking at me and he smiled and that was it. My stomach actually flipped. I spent the next 3 days of the conference dressing and styling myself meticulously, just in case he looked at me.

I've been in a long term relationship for 7 years and much as I love my partner, the chemisty with this guy is something else. My heart beats fast, I feel confident, sexy even, and I feel... happier. Like nothing can go wrong. I'm currently being treated for post natal depression (yep, that's right- I have a soon to be 2 year old..) and when I'm with him it's like my real life isn't hard work- it's a breeze.

I took a year off work for maternity leave. Up until this point, we'd grown close as colleagues, talking on the phone a lot (about work), attending work functions etc etc. Everytime there was a chance he'd just pop in, I'd get up early to make sure I looked good. I credit him with keeping me fit and healthy through the pregnancy- I couldn't bear the thought of him coming in and seeing me look bad.

We had no contact then for 16 months. Nothing. I thought about him a bit, but with a new baby it wasn't top of my priorities.

But now I'm back at work, and the last 11 months have been a whirlwind. Our relationship is as strong as ever- we have a brilliant partnership, we look out for each other. He gives me lifts to meetings, sits with me on the train instead of his peers, talks to me daily on the phone, and things have become more personal. He talks to me about his appraisals. His new car. But I know the boundaries. It's nice to feel needed, to have a spark with somebody. But I'd never act on it.

However, his wife is pregnant. They've tried a few times and sadly it hasn't worked. But this time it has. All these lovely, friendly feelings I thought I had have come together and crushed me. I feel absolutely heartbroken. I can't sleep. I feel sick. I'm angry with my partner. The only person who makes it better is my son.

I'm leaving for a new job in a month- same company, will be working as part of his team, seeing him monthly at most, as opposed to daily contact.

I'm hoping it helps.

This whole crush thing is horrible. He has no idea (as far as I know) and is obviously over the moon about the baby.

I just feel really blue.

camii 3 years ago

In my experience was the woman and the to other woman for the same man. It started wrong and it ended wrong. when I met him I was married and he was dating a woman he was with for more than 6 years. I left my husband for him, he left her and we moved in together but he never really left her. He kept seeing her and even though I had an instinct he was still seeing her he continually denied it. We separated and he went back to her and it was a back and forth for almost 11 years. That 11 years was a dramatic roller coaster ride. I was bumped of with mental bruises injuries and fractures. My advice to the woman the "other"woman that is, always remind yourself of your worth, don't settle, have no expectations, love yourself and always follow your instinct. This wasn't a crush I was in love with this man, he proposed twice I had two engagement rings the second time he proposed he also gave her an engagement ring. I always held back on marrying him in my heart he didn't feel right but I still held on. On one of the occasions when we separated I was informed through a friend he got married to her, a few weeks after their wedding he was back at my front door. It was the best and the worse relationship I ever had.

Janice Zeno 3 years ago

It's complicated, because sometimes people are in a marriage for the wrong reasons. Some people in a marriage are not happy with one another and don't even love each other. When you find yourself in a relationship that you are not truly happy with, the best thing to do is to find happiness with someone else who is committed to making you happy and complete for the rest of your life. Life is short and you have to be with the person you truly want to be with. If he's married, then you have to wait on him to make him or her mind up about being with you. If he doesn't decide to be with you, it is because he does not love you at all. Most people separate to find out if they could be happy with someone else, which is the best thing to do. If they both realize that they are happy with the other person, then divorce is acceptable. The reason I say this, is because I once found myself in a relationship and we shared having four children, but I was not happy in that relationship at all. There were no satisfaction in my relationship and I always found myself extremely depressed and sad. I wanted to get out of my marriage and so I did. It was hard at first, but I soon realize that it was best for me to be honest about how I felt about my husband. It took me alone time, because of the children we had, but later on I felt free to be with someone who made me feel complete. All though I am still single, but there is someone who I truly believe that we belong together, but he's in an unpredictable relationship. I really truly believe he's not happy and wants out of the relationship, but can't because of a great wealth involve. He will soon realize that money can't buy happiness with someone you don't love and that I am the one for him. Marriage don't mean a thing, because its only a piece of paper. What is really important is your happiness with the one you love.

jadelola 3 years ago

Has anyone who has had a crush on a married man met the wife? If yes please share your experience. I am in a dilemma now. i met a married guy at work over a year ago and we became close but nothing happened. He knows how i feel about him. I have very strong feelings for him and i am jealous when he looks at women. Never met the wife. A mutual friend invited us to his bday party and my crush is coming with his wife.

I am really scared of going - it will be very uncomfortable for me. I want to respect the friend but i dont know how to deal with it. I think i wont go.

PDGG 3 years ago

@jadelola My advice is to go to the party. It will give you the chance to see her face which makes her more real, and of course, it's good to be there for your friend. You will probably feel uncomfortable at first, but just stay cool and enjoy the party. Seeing the wife can help with deciding to move on from your crush if that is what you want to do. I hope if you decide to go, that all turns out well. Let us know what happens. Stay strong! :)

jadelola 3 years ago

@PDGG I know that I will feel very akward and uncomfortable. There will only be about 3 single people there that I don't know. All other 10 people are couples. Knowing myself and imaging the situation and him not paying any attention to me will be very very hard. Again, nothing has ever happened btw us but we were very close. We have been out just me ,him and the guy celebrating to the same pub a few times and obviously I got all the attention...and now it will be different.

I think he doesn't realise that I still have strong feelings for him. I know how much he loves his wife and children. I have met his child and I know he is very devoted to his family.

PDGG 3 years ago

@jadelola Yep, it will be hard. I agree with you. But if you make it through the evening with a smile on your face, think of how good that will feel. Trust your own judgement and do what you think is best. Good luck to you!

missing him 3 years ago

In my opinion you have to attend the party to have the actual facts planted in your mind that he is actually married to his wife. Yes it will be hurtful, but this is something that we must face when having a crush with unavailable man. Just be yourself, stay cool all the time. Hope this helps.

missing him 3 years ago

How I wish everyday is a working day. Knowing that he will be on another vacation with his wife for a week or so really kills me. Next week will be a tough week ahead without his presence. On the other hand, I really hope he do enjoy his trip.

PDGG 3 years ago

@missing him I feel for you. They way I get through times like that is to remember that his wife and kids are the reason he is the awesome guy that he is. Hang in there. The sun will rise again and you will be all right.

I seem to have a problem with keeping my cool around him. I'm kind of socially awkward anyway, but when I talk to him, I say stupid things and my mouth just will not say the things I want them to. I wish I could tell him that sometimes he reminds me of a guy I once knew (in a good way) when I was younger. I wish I could ask him if he remembers the day we met. I wish I could ask him if he felt anything when we shook hands like I did. Do you ever get tongue-tied when you're near him? It's so freaking frustrating.

There are so many other men at work that I can talk to usually without going all goofy. But it seems like most of the time, I just wind up being quiet around him except for work related questions. Oh well. The sun will rise for me, too. Have a good night!

Perplexed 3 years ago

Just read this article and it resonates with me in so many ways. I am angry that I have feelings for a married man considering I am married myself....! We just have unbelievable chemistry and I find myself flirting and feeling super guilty afterwards. It is nice to be admired but the constant self-hate is horrible. I would never leave my husband for this guy but the pull is extremely strong and I have no idea why. Can someone please explain why we have chemistry without even looking for it with very specific people? Is it an instinctive thing or just evil temptation?

jadelola 3 years ago

@PDGG I went to the party. I had to as he found out I didn't want to go coz his wife would be there. So I had to show him that it doesn't bother me like he thought. And I survived the evening...took along a friend. It was OK. Sat with a few single guys. He sat a few stools away from me. He sat across from his wife. When we arrived he said hello but didn't introduce me to the wife and she didn't even look my way also when i left. The bday guy introduced me to his wife. Now and then I saw that he was looking my way and once smiled. At one stage his wife moved near him. I thought this is the time to show me that u r married and to hug her or something...but he didn't.

Is it strange that he didn't introduce us? My friend thinks it's.

I am reading posts here and i know what everyone means. I also looked forward to going to work because of him and knowing that in the morning he is coming to me -we go to work together. Next week he is going away for 2 weeks with his family.

missing him 3 years ago

@jadelola: did you guys carpool to go to work together? If yes, then wow you're so lucky.

@pdgg: thanks for the words. Yea, the sun will rise and he will be back soon. Until then, I will stay focused on my work. I'm kinda like a totally happy girl with his presence which I find it as a blessing. I told myself that life is short, we would never know what will happen tomorrow, so it's ok to admit my feelings towards him.

jadelola 3 years ago

@missinghim: yep we still carpool together. We used to work together but now I work across from his place. Did something happen btw you and your married crush?

Does he know how you feel? Mine does!

missing him I so know what you are talking about. When we worked together I loved going to work just to see him and to know that we will drive together and spend alot of time together. I had eye laser surgery and he was the one that every 3 hours at work will help me with my eye drops as i had problems doing it myself (or didn't really bother trying to do it myself ;) ) We were very close. Then unfortunately, my project ended and I had to leave. We were in touch all the time and on a few occasions I came to have lunch with him and we went to a bar with a mutual friend.

I then started working near him and we started carpooling again but this time with another guy. Unfortunately, that guy started talking that I have a crush on the married guy and he got scared. He said as long as it was just btw us it was fine but now people are talking. So he backed off..but we still carpool and have lunch together and sometimes go to the bar. But I can feel things have changed. He is also going away for 2 weeks with his family…and I know I will miss him but I do have to move on…it has been years since I met someone and have had instant chemistry with..and it sucks that he is married.

So nice to be able to share feelings with other women without being judged harshly. Thanks all 

PDGG 3 years ago

@missing him and @jadelola Mine doesn't know. I am pretty sure. Missing him, how did he find out? I remember that Jadelola said her friend told hers. Is that right? I have no plans on telling my crush, but I hope I don't do anything to make him think that I have feelings for him.

As far as the birthday party goes Jadelola, I am happy you went. My guess is that he didn't introduce you to his wife because he is probably afraid that if he does, he might show feelings for you and the wife would probably pick up on that. I'm not sure of course, just a guess. Hope you guys are well and have a great day! :)

missing him 3 years ago

@pdgg: I actually told him about the dreams and so on. And he keep asked me the identity of the guy that I dreamt of, and so when I finally told him, its him, he thought I was joking with him. Oh well, if that would makes him happier. I'm trying to survive days without his presence.

Hope everyone is well :)

jadelola 3 years ago

@pdgg and @missing : he figured it out by my actions and things i said. And also people told him it looks like it....and he got scared. Missing him..did he say anything after finding out? R u guys friends also?

I no longer need eye drops.

Today a good friend of his told me that my crush and his wife came over to them and my crush's wife told them that i am not innocent. She complained that one evening i text her hubby too was innocent....just to ask him about lunch. Yesterday , he asked me not to go back and i know why.

Why didn't he tell me it bothers his wife? I wonder why he still comes with me to work. I kbow he doesn't want me to have feelings for him. I really need to find a single guy.

missing him 3 years ago

@jadelola: yes we remained as usual as he doesn't believe it's him. I have set a rule for myself, no texting him when he is off work. There might be possibility that the wife may read and create unnecessary trouble. Just like what you've mentioned, they were just about some lunch topics, but already enough to annoy the wife. hope this helps.

jadelola 3 years ago

@missinghim: we are friends. We don't work at the same place anymore but still car pool and have lunch. We sometimes go out to a bar together with another friend and he also texts me and used to phone also on weekends-all innocent calls. Now less since people starting talking. So, I thought his wife knew and was OK with it.

jadelola 3 years ago

He is overseas now with his family. Me, him and this other guy have a whatsapp group so he sent us pics. Told us it sucks there but I think he was joking. If he didn't want contact with me or hated me I guess he would have sent the other guy a private message. I don't know why I need confirmation that he doesn't hate me...I guess coz of my low self-esteem and my ego.

missing him 3 years ago

@jadelola: Never trust when they mention how sucks the vacation with the wife and family. The group chat in Whatsapp are usually casual in nature, thus there won't be any need for him to private message the other guy friend.

Recently I've suspected his wife is pregnant, but he refuse to disclose. However, we were at some friends gathering and he brought his wife along. It feels hurt when the fact that she really is. How silly I am to think how much I can sacrifice for him is comparable to his wife. All these seems less important now. I guess I will just remain neutral for now until "someday if he becomes available and somehow he wants me too"

jadelola 3 years ago

@missinghim: I also think that my crush's wife is pregnant and it sucks. I understand what you are saying. I too hope one day he will become available but I don't want me to be the reason for it. Also, as a friend of mine said- we can't know what they are really like in a relationship.

Are you and your crush friends outside of work?

About the group chat- I meant that if he didn't want any contact with me he would have messaged the guy privately and not in the group. I told me before he left to sent pictures-didn't think he would but today he did.

missing him 3 years ago

@jadelola: yes you are right. If one day he really become available, the reason could be anything under the sun, but never be because of me. I do not want to be the reason of a marriage failure and do not wish to be labelled as home wrecker. I will be happy for him as long as he is happy with his wife and kids. As what pdgg mentioned before, it is them who makes our crushes as attractive as he is.

jadelola 3 years ago

@missinghim: if my crush's wife will see that we chat one on one while they are overseas then his wife will be mad. I am not even going to send him a private message. She is already suspicious.

On a group chat-although it's only me, him and another mutual guy friend that belong to the group -then it's more innocent. But, i have never sent him any messages that can imply anything.

How do you think your crush would react if he found out how you felt about him?

hurt 3 years ago

I was going through a very tough phase in my life: my dad was dying of lung cancer and my aunt was recently diagnosed with ALS, a terminal disease. About 6 months ago, me and my co-worker started to talk about our sex lives. He is married for 3 years with a 2 year old son and I am married for 2 years. At first, I didn’t think anything about it. But for 2 months, I can not think anything else but having sex with him. He suggested doing it but I rejected many times. I have also developed a crush on him, getting jealous of evertyhing he possesses, his wife, his son, etc. I love my husband, but I can not feel the same as before. All I can think about is being with my co-worker. I wouldn’t be so weak, if I didn’t go through so many things. I think I am just in need of some excitement. I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and even contemplated suicide. Even though I am better now due to help from a doctor, I still feel like my life is like shit. All I want is go back to my old life, when I was deeply in love with my husband. Please help. (PS: I'm not a native English speaker, sorry if my English is bad)

missing him 3 years ago

@jadelola: my crush have little or no reaction towards this. Everything are normal. Well I guess that's the best for all of us.

LP 3 years ago

Here's my problem. The man is a man I had a long-term, passionate relationship with years ago. I left him abruptly about 14 years ago because the relationship was not healthy (at that time). About 8 years ago, we got back in-touch again. He is in another province (thankfully), and is also in a relationship that he has been in since about a year after we broke-up. I left him the way I did because we just couldn't seem to break away from each other because of the intense chemistry (I just finally cut him off without warning or mercy - not nice, but necessary at the time). Well, the chemistry is still there and we don't seem to be able to come in contact with each other without it flaring up again. We 'fell of the wagon' , the last time we were in the same city and it was hard for both of us. Now I will be back there again in two weeks. Don't just say "stay away from him", it's not that easy. And along with the physical attraction, there's is a deep emotional connection. He loves the woman he is with. She is NOT an awful shrew, and I'm sure she must be pretty special to have put up with him all these years. But this thing that we have is so powerful that it's painfully difficult for both of us. I've never had this with anyone else and I don't believe he has either. Please, how do I turn this off??? Just when I think I've done it, I hear his voice, and it all comes flooding back. I can't say no to him and he will want to see me when I get there and it will be danger all over again. To make matters worse, he has ties to my family who are there also. I don't think I can avoid this situation. What do I do???

jadelola 3 years ago

@missing him is your crush back? Mine came back today. We car pooled :) I must definitely get over him though and it's hard. I was a bit offended though by him although I admit i don't know if he meant what he said- on the way home we phoned the mutual friend of ours who asked how come my crush didn't go with this other guy- i think he meant why didn't the other guy come with us today- so my crush said that he prefers going with the other guy but he left his car at my place in the morning!!! Now my self esteem is low so i don't know if he meant it... i assume if he did he wouldn't have said it in front of me.

missing him 3 years ago


Yes he's back and I'm the happiest girl on earth! We are still best friend ever, with all the laughter we shared like previously. Nothing has changed and I'm glad it is the way it is right now. I was not felling well last night and he accompanied me while I rest in my car. It was short but sweet of him for such a gestures. And I adore the gentleman side of him, he's been worrying my safety and respected our friendship. I hugged him as an appreciation for his time and company. And now I'm totally the happiest girl on earth! :)

iwanttobeloved 3 years ago

I just want to say thank you, I really really really needed to read this today :'( I felt I was going crazy but reading this has helped me to remember things I've already known, just needed to read them again. Good advice, will keep coming back to post my progress.. Be blessed!

notwhatiplanned 3 years ago

This was a good read, and as a Married Man on the other side of the fence, the last few weeks have been torture. There is a cute girl who works upstairs, 10 years my younger, married also. She's been with us for a while now. We were really friendly with each other in the beginning, then due to some lies spread about her I stopped talking to her almost all together. Recently I found out the truth and we've gone back to being friends. That lead to the flirting - and now here we are. We're both stressed already with issues with our respective spouses and other hardships going on (mine financial, hers pending death in the family) - and there is pent up resentment that we're trying to vent off. She's a better communicator feeling wise than I am, and thankfully I think some breakthroughs were made for her lately. I... am not. So my frustrations are just kept inside. Anytime I wind up trying to express my unhappiness it turns into an argument so I just shut down instead and focus on my career. I'm working longer and longer hours as a result - which is just leading to further resentment that I'm killing myself, and for what? I don't think anything would happen, but this girl has made me feel more alive on the inside than I have in years. I wonder why does this have to happen to me? I was fine - well, maybe not fine, but I had accepted my fate and was just dealing with it. Now I'm torn - nothing good can come of this right? So many people would just wind up being hurt. No move here is the right one - so I just hope the feelings subside or something. At the same time I think if they did a little part of me would die too. So much for life getting easier the older you get.

PDGG 3 years ago

@notwhatiplanned Thanks for sharing your story. We all are trying hard to deal with these feelings. In my experience, the feelings don't subside unless you are not around each other. Of course, that's not always an option. Crushes can happen to anyone. I truly do not believe the feelings are bad. They are just feelings. The heart wants what the heart wants, right? It's when folks act on those feelings, that things can go wrong.

I find that writing about it, and living one day at a time helps me to deal. I think knowing that others are going through something similar helps as well. I no longer go all stupid in front of him. Usually! :)

I would never tell anyone I work with about this, though. I adore the people I work with, but I really don't think they would understand and of course, it could hurt him. I never want to do that, so I hide my feelings. I have become quite good at it actually. The only person I talk to about it is my mother. So I understand your frustration with keeping it inside.

It seems that you have a lot of soul searching to do, and I wish you all the best. Try to take it one day at a time and hang in there!

missing him 3 years ago

@pdgg: how are you doing lately?

notwhatiplanned 3 years ago

@pdgg - thanks for replying. I just don't get it. It doesn't help at all that we're both having problems in our respective marriages. I'm doing what I can for her to be supportive so they work their issues out - I think that will help and maybe the reciprocation will go away. The fact the feelings are mutual are what I believe is making that much harder to bear. Nothings happened, but now I'm getting paranoid about being found out. We've talked a few times this week after work in my office, and people were there. We are on each others FB (most of our small group of corporate people are on there though), but we're gravitating towards each others more than anyone else's. I dread the weekends right now because I'm home and I can't chat with her. It's like I'm in high school now.

How are you holding up with your crush?

missing him 3 years ago

@ notwhatiplanned: sometimes I wonder if my crush feels the same way as what you've mentioned:

I don't think anything would happen, but this girl has made me feel more alive on the inside than I have in years. I wonder why does this have to happen to me? I was fine - well, maybe not fine, but I had accepted my fate and was just dealing with it. Now I'm torn - nothing good can come of this right? So many people would just wind up being hurt. No move here is the right one - so I just hope the feelings subside or something

Jamjam 3 years ago

I'm hurting so much that part of me says "To hell if we are both married, I want you so much, you make me so happy, I only share a small amount of time with you but when I do time stands still so it feels we are together forever! I'm sick of my feelings being judged and me being wrong for feeling so happy and alive with a man I truly love. All those who have programmed us to feel dirty, guilty for feeling something that's perfectly natural and might I quote "very rear" are without a soul. Its your life you only get one and why would you spend it be miserable with someone who makes you miserable. I believe live has a way of bringing you what you need when the time is right. And on Monday I will look into his eyes again and feel his soul go right through me and my time will stand still again. So all you ladies who put other peoples feelings before for your own then all I can say is shame on you. You really are abusing your happiness? Unhappy marriages are real and people put up with them because we are brainwashed to do so. And those who say it affects the kids then this is nonsence you are just brainwashing your kids into thinking being unhappy is acceptable when its not. So in conclusion be strong, be brave, love yourself more than anyone in the world and be happy that live has given you a chance to feel something you may never ever feel again!

notwhatiplanned 3 years ago

@missing him - maybe? I know a lot of these sites like to make us guys out to be all cheating dogs just looking to get laid. That is not the case. Hell, if that's all it was there are a lot of easier ways (especially now) to go about it. I truly love my wife - but it's become more as a friend and a partner. It's complicated. There have been a lot of issues the past few years which has put added strain on me making sure I'm doing all I can do provide, and it's near impossible for me to do alone. The first time this happened a few years back we lost everything and even lived with her parents. It seemed that was the motivator that got her working again, so in the long run I felt it was the best thing for us. The stress of that has never left me though, needless to say for me sex wasn't on the table. I didn't feel up to it. I was angry, hurt that this happened, and because I can't emote properly without it turning into a huge argument, just swallowed the majority of those negative feelings inside. Needless to say the past few years have felt like 20, and it's noticeable.

Well 2 years later and we're in the same boat. At least this time there is unemployment but the pressure is back (not that I felt it ever left, I've felt I've been walking a tightrope with no safety net since late 2010). I'm burying myself in work and making myself as indispensable as possible, and then trying to make money on the side online as well. We got into a pretty sizable fight a few months ago regarding this - she seemed convinced then that I wanted a divorce. I'm still pretty sure I don't. I do feel cheated though and it seems as I'm growing old right before my very eyes. Also all of the sudden all that seems to be on her mind is sex. I have no desire. I thought at first maybe it was due to ahem... adult entertainment. So I cut that out completely. Rather than having it cause my drive to go up it went down further. So I cut out all self pleasure. That didn't help either. After that I just assumed I didn't want intimacy at all. Which I had become fine with. I mean our sex life was always infrequent at best after we had our son, so it came to mean little to me anyways - none was just as fine as almost none. Clearly it's not for her. I know she's not fine with it but what am I to do, right? I thought we don't have insurance, so even if it's low T I can't afford to correct it.

Then came the crush. I felt younger, younger than I had in years. I've become so socially awkward from walling myself off from people that I had no idea how refreshing just letting my guard down could be. I realized I'm not entirely dead from the waist down, which was a nice revelation - but a curse at the same time. It's great to know somethings there - but it's not there for my wife. So I'm stuck feeling guilty and wondering if this just means I'm a terrible husband, then getting angry because why should I feel guilty about being human? Sometimes you just get so tired of sacrificing and not worrying about yourself. Hell I do that at work too. I'm always making sure everyone there is taken care of first. Sometimes I just want to look out for myself.

At any rate I'm torn between hoping the crush gets everything patched up with her husband so her interest in me dies (which would make this so much more bearable - unrequited love is not my bag), or hoping that my passion just dies out, or maybe the misses finds someone who wants her in their arms, or I somehow can want her again. It's not fair to her either. All of this just leaves me even more angry and confused regarding sex than ever before. Everyone talks about how sex is wonderful. The majority of my sex life was in a brief window before we had our kid. He's almost old enough to drive.

God it would be nice if most of this is just in my head.

notwhatiplanned 3 years ago


Of course there's a large part of me that just hopes things don't work out for the crush and her husband, and the wife and I part ways. Then we try and see if this is something real or not. Life isn't that simple, it's never easy. I guess I just need to see where things are headed - a decision doesn't need made right away. Again, we're both married, we both love our spouses, and even though we have issues odds are we'll stay with them. Maybe I'm living in denial by thinking that - but it's better than imagining the complete wrecking ball everyone's life would turn into otherwise. Affairs are always found out. And what if both of us get divorces first? Still messy, pain and hurt for almost everyone involved.

I think that for most of us in this situation this is more how we think. I'd like to believe that anyways - again, we're not all dogs just looking for a bone, and if we were, there are far less messy ways to go about it than suddenly having this happen to us. I wish there were more guys giving their point on here.

PDGG 3 years ago

@missing him I am doing well, thanks! How are you? :)

@notwhatiplanned I am doing well dealing with my feelings. Thank you for asking. Of course, the fact that he doesn't know how I feel plays a big part in that. I am sure that if he knew, I would probably feel different. I have accepted the fact that I have these feelings but I cannot act on them. I have decided that these feelings will not rule me and I will be okay. I will be happy in my life with my children, give my best to my job and just move on with my life. There are times that those feelings come flooding back to my heart, but I can sigh and do my best to not dwell on it.

I am not going to tell you that you should divorce your wife. However, I can tell you that in my situation....the divorce was the best thing for me and my kids. It was hell to get through, so very much hell. But, I am so much happier now. My kids are happier because I am happier.

Let me share a dream I had during the time my then husband and I were breaking up. I remember a flower in a pot in a basement. It was wilted and weak. It had very little color and it was just so sad. I brought it up into the light and it grew strong and beautiful. Color came back and its petals and leaves stood up. It was "smiling" again.

I am sure I represented the flower in the dream. I somehow was able to get myself out of that dark place and into the light in the dream. While thinking about the dream at the time, even though my heart told me that I was that flower, I had a very difficult time seeing a future where I could be strong like that flower. I just could not see how things would ever be okay. A positive future seemed so far away. But it did happen. I still struggle sometimes with being a single mom and everything that goes with that, but I am so much better off today than I ever was. So even though things may seem really dark for you right now, the light will come.

You are correct that affairs are found out. And I don't think you are a dog. (and I wish there were more men sharing on here, too!) I just think you are terribly unhappy and your heart knows it. Maybe you and your wife can find a way back to each other, maybe not. Have a heart to heart with her. Maybe she is feeling just as unhappy as you are. Just take it one day at a time with all this. It will all be okay. Someday. Best wishes and hope I helped a little bit.

snj 3 years ago

My story is a follows: I am a married man who has had a crush on a colleague for the better part of 2 years or so. It all started on the day we met and has not dwindled down since. I have tried different tactics to minimize this crush but for one reason or another it continues to grow and attract. At first it was thinking about her all day while at work but has grown into thinking about her all day, night, weekends and holidays. I actually have fallen in love with this girl. If it’s not love than I don’t know what it is, maybe I have just gone crazy. I find that I can have any type of conversation with this girl and she with me. I am a listener by design but she makes me want to chat about anything and everything. I find myself thinking about how things would be with her and I have a very difficult time saying good bye to her each and every day. She is beautiful in so many ways but not just physical beauty. She is very smart, well spoken, a great listener, and fun to be around. I believe she has great values and can sense that I am struggling with mine. There is not anything in the world that I would not do for this girl and I don’t know what I would do without her. If life was simple I wouldn’t have to type this but this is where it gets difficult – My Kids. I was recently at a weekly occurrence for both kids and I witnessed a drop off of kids of similar age to mine from a separated couple. It was not pleasant as both kids were having a difficult time seeing the one parent go and one parent stay. I just don’t think I could put my kids in this type of situation (Any parent would know what I am talking about). I feel that I am constantly being tested and beginning to think that I am losing the battle or coming close. It would help if we didn’t have such a strong connection, it starts with the look as soon as we lock eyes under any positive or negative situation we are lost and I am completely where I want to be at that moment and forever. This is just me dumping my thoughts and not sure where this will go! A win for me would be if she were to be completely swept off her feet and I was an afterthought. Who said life was going to be simple anyways.

missing him 3 years ago

@Pdgg: thanks very much for the inspiring story of your dream. Recently I've just broke up as I knew that I could not keep my bf and at the same time having someone else in my heart.It's just so unfair to him. I'm trying to deal with the break up and at the same time trying to cope with the feelings for my crush. Hope I will be okay in the process of going through this tough phase of life.

@snj: your story sounds similar to that of my crush as well. Hope to see more insights from the men's perspective.

But one thing for sure, any attempts to pursue or move one step further is gonna hurt badly for all 3 parties involved (more if included the kids in the picture).

PDGG 3 years ago

@snj Thanks for sharing. It is so good to hear from the men. Your story also sounds kind of like mine. When I first met him, it was like lightning. I, too, get lost in his eyes.

I understand what you are saying about your kids. It can be heartbreaking to see something like that. My kids do miss their dad sometimes but they are doing well. If the parents can get along with each other and not talk bad about the other in front of the kids, it is much better for everyone. In my own family, I know that I am so much happier in my life without the constant heartache and drama I had when I was married. It was difficult at first, but eventually the bad feelings went away and we just went on with our lives. My kids are happier because I am happier. They have a stable, happy home and that is all I ever wanted for them. It can be okay, but it takes time...and a lot of patience.

Best wishes to you, and keep us posted and how things are going with you!

missing him 3 years ago

@pdgg: it surely take great effort and strength to go through what you had went through to get out from the wedlock and bring up the kids on your own with positive attitude towards life. You've set a really good example for others to learn from. Glad to hear that things getting better. Stay strong together :)

notwhatiplanned 3 years ago

@PDGG -thanks for the words of encouragement. I don't want to think it's over between us - but yes, I'm unhappy. Though I'm usually that way anyways (depression) - so I just fight through it. It's scary to think we'd be over. We've been together since HS (we're in our mid 30's now). I'm not sure I know who I am without her. I know she still loves me, even if some of her actions are questionable at best. Which again makes me the asshole in this situation. Maybe we're not meant to last, maybe I'm a chicken for not trying to move on - again though I was fine with it until recently. Maybe I'm being unfair to us both, or this is something we'll get past.

This gal at work - I don't know, it's like a bolt of lightning every time we see each other. We chat constantly on the computer - and I'm pretty sure it's become noticeable we basically have to fight to not grin like goofy teenagers in each others presence. So now what? Sharing that we had a mutual crush in some ways was great, in others agonizing. At any rate I'm working on being a better husband at the same time, and also trying to help her with her issues in her marriage. A huge part of me doesn't want to do any of that and instead sweep her off her feet and just kiss her. Every scenario I've played through though ends in tragedy. Maybe we can be happy with being friends that have a special connection. I fear I will wind up being the villain of this story - but damn if I'm not dead set on preventing it.

One thing that I think will probably help is our different faiths. It's a stopping point for a lot of people - I'm imagining it will be for her. Her faith doesn't bother me, my lack of faith I'm sure will bother her.

Like everything else - it's complicated. Most days I'd seriously rather just go back to being 10 and playing baseball all day during the Summer.

notwhatiplanned 3 years ago

@snj - welcome Brother! - Glad you found this little corner of cyberspace and were able to share your story - even posting it out anonymously in cyberspace seems to help. I understand the fears and trepidations all too well. All I can say is tread lightly. I know your crush is a long standing one - and like me you're hoping someone sweeps her off her feet before you do (only in my case she already has that man, but the sweeping isn't happening). You have to ask yourself if you're really out of love with your wife. If not - do what you can to connect on a daily basis. It can be hard to separate fantasy from reality. In your situation at least you don't have confirmation the feeling is mutual. For all you know your advances could be rebuffed or even worse. When you sit and think about your marriage - ignore the crush for a moment and focus on that. A crush can help magnify problems at home and make them seem worse than they are - so try and take the bias out of it and figure out if there's still life in the marriage.

Hope to continue reading from you as well - and hope I was at least of a little bit of help.

iloveu 3 years ago

hello everyone !! I read this article and wanna write smthg abt my crush on a married man :) When i first joined my company i had to go for a business travel within a week in chicago. I met him there he was also in a business travel. Since i was new at the job he taught me a lot of stuff. He was really helpful and nice to everyone. But more to me ofcourse since i m a girl and a bit pretty lol ... i liked him too may b cuz he helped me or may b i was far from home and i was lonely. I have bf by the way but he is in dallas and i was in chicago. The guy was about to get married within 2 weeks. He is from different country and i am from different country but still i liked him :) Our trip was about to end and one night he txt me to go for icecream and ofcourse i was happy and I went. We talked and he kissed me and i let him kissed. We spend the night together but i didn't have sex. Just made out with him. The next day he didn't meet me may b because he felt guilty that he was going to get married or may be because i didn't had sex with him because he wanted to and I said no. So, the other day he left from chicago and went to his country, got married to his fiance and after a month comes back to the office Now its really wierd between us. I like him and think about him all the time. Everynight I see him in my dream. Morning when I wake up I pray to make him work with me. ("It depends in our work what to do everyday") I go to office a bit early and wait his car to come and pretend i just got there. But we dont say much to eachother except work stuff and hi hello. I searched him on FB and go to his page and look at his pictures but didnt have courage to add him may b of my ego or my shyness. I don't know what to do. I am pretty I know it cuz everyother guy in the office wants to go out with me but i wanna go out with him. I have a really good relation with my bf and i wud never leave him for anyone. Its not that i want him in my life idk what it is... its just i miss him so much and it hurts real bad when u know that he doesn't.... I know he doesn't because i have ppl saying me i miss u, i love u but i can't really feel for them and now its my turn.... I hope this infatuation or crush whatever it is would finish and i would be normal again...

notwhatiplanned 3 years ago

Married fellas - this song seems to be for us :

(note - if you hate falloutboy this might not work for you)

Anyways things have been complicated (as always) this past few days. A loved one of hers passed and she's taking it so hard. All I want to do is hold and comfort her - because we all know that will end well, right?

Weird developments around my house as well, and I don't know how to interpret them.

My heart actually aches because she's in pain. I really don't understand how there can be such a strong pull - but I guess trying to put logic to emotion is my first problem.

No Name 3 years ago

I am newly married and my husband and I have already had a rocky relationship before we were married. I recently went to party and ran into a family friend there. We had an instant attraction to each other. Both of us were drinking and he kissed me. I have been thinking of him every day since. He is also married but I heard from mutual friends he is not happy. We are in the same circle of friends but I am trying to avoid seeing him again...I feel guilty and want to tell my husband but it will break his heart.

Blue Avocado 2 years ago

I'm a married woman who has had a crush on a married man for about 7 years. We do business together and also see each other through our kids common interest where he and I are more prevalent than our spouses. Every time I see him he touches me, he puts his hand on my back, rubs my arm, touches my hand. He makes it a point to come near me and talk to me unless his wife is also there and then he moves away so I get the feeling that the crush is, and has been for all these years, mutual. The last time I saw him he came and stood near me and we talked for a quite a while, then he looked at his phone and suddenly hurried away and when he came back he switched places so he was one person away from me. So I went to the restroom and came back and his wife was there. I've met her and she's lovely and we could probably sit and talk for an hour which makes me feel terrible that I don't stop my attraction to him. I keep thinking that if I could kiss him once that would be enough but I know it probably wouldn't be. I have no idea what his marriage is like. It appears to be happy but then again, so does mine and it isn't. I get to see him multiple times socially this weekend and I shouldn't be looking forward to it as much as I am. I have a feeling that a lot of this is due to the fact that we have both been married for more than half of our lives. I'm not fully convinced that humans are designed to live with one person that long. Glad others are in the same or similar boat.

NooName 2 years ago

For the last few weeks I thought I had been alone with these feelings I am having. Atlas I can finally say I am pleased that I am not the only one going through this! Oddly enough I recently got married and had a MAJOR crush on our catering manager at the catering hall where I recently got hitched! He is about 10 years older than me, married & with children. From the moment we met I felt an instant attraction. Was it his attractiveness? His professionalism? The way he complimented me? We connected via email during the wedding planning process, mostly related to the wedding, but there were always some remarks that seemed very flirty. Being that I had a crush on him, I would respond in the same matter! Was this his way of being nice, just who he was, or did he also have some attraction for me? Now that the wedding planning is over, I have little or no communication with him. That was until he randomly emailed me and told me to keep in touch. Innocent again? I'd like to think so. I never told him that I have this "crush" on him nor do I think I should, but now that we have limited communication I am finding myself obsessively thinking about him! What is he doing, is he at work, how is his family? The thing is I am IN LOVE with my new husband and I never want to hurt him or our relationship. I just don't know how to handle these feelings. Do I tell the "crush" how I am feeling, or let it pass? I know many people are in this boat.

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

Things are escalating rapidly. No intimate physical contact yet - we've both agreed to that, but at the same time it feels unbearable. Still working on helping her with her marriage. Trying to a be a good husband myself. Some good news came our way but I almost felt like it wasn't, or that I didn't care. Something. Ugh. Why? What purpose does any of this serve?

iwanttobeloved 2 years ago

Three weeks ago I came upon this site and after reading alot of the posts, I honestly believed I wouldnt be where I am today. I am heartbroken, I wish there was a button in the brain where I could just delete the past four weeks. I can't stop crying and I'm depressed. A person who I had a crush on over 20 years ago reconnected with me through his mom, who is my godmother. This person is married for 25 years now. As soon as he contacted me, I felt the butterflies. We spoke for over a period of a month, almost everyday, we texted, we videochatted and as the days progressed, so did our desire to see each other as well. I got on a plane and went to visit my godmother who was ill and he gave me the motivation to get on that plane. When he came to pick me up at the airport and we saw each other again after over more than 20 years, it was fireworks. Driving me to my godmothers house, we spoke, we held hands, we hugged and he just kept telling me how good I looked and how he was dieing to kiss me. Well, before we arrived, he pulled over and we had the two most passionates kisses I have had in a long time. I am not currently dating and its been quite some time since I've become emotionally involved with anyone, so I was on top of the world and my emotions began to kick in. I was only visiting for one week but I was so looking forward to having alone time with him, which we spoke about before my arrival. The following day he came to visit, we took my godmother to run some errands and during all the time, he couldnt take his eyes off me, he was so attentive, very expressive with how good he felt that I was there. Flirtation was in the air, everywhere. Now before I continue, I was and am aware that he has a wife at home. I'm not the homewrecker type of woman and was having an internal conflict with myself while all this was going on because I know that I was crossing a line that I would regret later, but it felt so right, I just kept feeding my feelings. We did not spent much time together, as he is a family man, who within his family routine is the one who picks up his girls as work and school, cooks and is in the house by the time wifey gets home, so I knew from the get go that our time would be limited but I was so into this, that even 1 hour with him, made me feel so good. As the week progressed, I started getting the feeling that the telephone calls, the video chatting, the "i want you" and "cant wait to have you to myself" was something that was not going to happen, so to take myself out of doubt and off cloud 9, I asked him if indeed we were going to have "alone" time like we so much spoke about. His answer on a text was "i don't think so".. (deep breath) at this point I was so mad at myself, rewinding the movie of all we spoke about, the video chats, everything!! and I realized that what started out as flirtation and fun for me, turned into an emotion and on the other hand, I realized he was having fun, it was entertainment to him. The following day, we did have a chance alone and up until then, I even still had hope that we would be together. He kissed me again, passionately, like here we go... then all of a sudden stopped and said he couldnt. That all this time he enjoyed what we were talking about, the kissing, the flirting but he thought I misunderstood him in the "i want to make love to you" part, he said it but I misunderstood it, according to him. (angry, sad, crying right this minute) I felt so stupid because for a moment, I practically tried to convince him and begged him to be with me. I told him I thought it was insulting that after feeding my emotions and desires, that then he want me to believe I misunderstood. I know, I did the feeding to my feelings as well. Not for once did it cross my mind that this person would leave his wife to be with me, none of that. I was aware that whatever it was, whether we had sex or not, it was an affair, a mental one at least but I couldnt get over the fact I was hurting :( and feeling so stupid for putting my dignity out there like that, practically begging before we left and him saying, no, i can't... I know, I know, I played with fire and I got burned. The following two days were dreadful because he kept coming to him moms house and he would still try to flirt until I asked him to stop. Why do men do that??? they dont want to but they refuse to stop flirting, wtf!!!?? when he realized i became distant, so did he and he left and the following day only came for a very short while, but I didn't make eye contact with him and limited the conversation to other things we were talking about with his mom. The following day was the day I was leaving and I honestly did not want to be driven by him to the airport, so I programmed a taxt to pick me up but didnt say anything to him because had I told him, we would of gotten into an argument and the atmosphere was going to be more uncomfortable than it already way. I wanted to run, from embarrasment, from anger with me, with him and being the emotional person I am, I didnt want to give him the pleasure of seeing me cry when I had to say goodbye. That last day he visited and said, goodbye, see you tomorrow, pick u up at 9am and left, I wanted to run out the door and hug him but I had to keep what little dignity I had left, if any. The following day, I left to the airport before he came to get me and told my godmother I had to leave early, and to please tell her son he didnt have to come. When he called my godmother to let me know he was alrady there and my godmother told him I had already left, according to my godmother, he became very very very furious... in a way I was happy he felt that way but then again, I thought it really didnt make a difference to him. He was obviously become distant because he realized I had began to have feeling for him. At the airport, he texted me to ask where i was and why i left like that but i didnt answer immediately. sometime after before boarding my plane, i called but that was a mistake, he was so hurtful with his tone of voice, said he didnt want to speak to me and never to text or call him, ever again.. :'( I got on that plane feeling like crap... not because I felt I deserved for him to treat me like that, but just because of how everything went down... I waited two days before I emailed him (big mistake), this was the moment to apply the no contact rule, for the sake of not losing the little dignity I still had. He answered eventually just saying that it was a mistake, that we both knew we were wrong by letting the flirting get to that point, now his guilty side was surfacing... and he said we could be friends and email once in a while... that made me feel even worse... because I wanted to have a conversation with him, to talk and clear the air, above all, we were long long time friends and at one point or another we would have to see each other again... I waited before replying because my prior emails were not very nice ones... I made the mistake of not keeping my thoughts and my fingers to myself and writing and emailing all the anger and all the thoughts I had about him as a man... i called him selfish, egocentric, omg.... I really over did it... so I could see where his last email was coming from. Still, I wanted a conversation. Yesterday, we emailed and he called me. I let him ventilate about taking off to the airport, and he said so many things I was so mad at because basically he was saying that yes, he wanted to be with me, but the fact i let my emotions get in the way messed it up... so i guess if i had been a senseless, no feeling type of person, he would of done me, smh.... he said that he didnt want us to stop being friends, that he did want us to keep calling each other BUT that he no longer wanted me to have words of affection for him, for example, he didnt want me to say, I love you, I miss you, etc. etc. I felt hurt because the reality of all this is: I began to have feelings for someone who didn't have feeling for me, I went into the emotional stage all by myself... He apologized for leading me on and said he was very sorry.

iwanttobeloved 2 years ago

in continuation to my last post.... I felt so horrible I couldnt hold back the tears... and he said he knew i was hurting and that he was sorry, that made me cry even more... then he said that had his situation been different (not married) he wouldnt have to think of it twice and then he had the audacity to say, "you never know what can happen"... thats when i got really angry and within my crying and sobbing, told him that that was a very stupid comment because that was like telling me to hold on to hope... I just couldnt stop crying and everytime i opened up my mouth to say something else, i cried even harder. I then thanked him for being man enough to be honest with me, what he should of done from the beginning instead of feeding his freaking ego first but shit happens;... He said he felt like crap and hated to hear me cry like that, so I told him it was time to end the call and I did. Did i mention that we are both christian?? Yes... you guys must be saying, no you ain't!!!! well, Im not ashamed to say I am... not for one moment did i imagine myself in this type of situation. before reconnecting with him I was on my feet, never imagined I would fall this way... and that makes me feel horrible too... The truth of the matter now is, I have to deal with the letting go of my feelings for him, feeling that resurfaced because I used to love this boy way back when we were 18.. dealing with the anger, the embarrasment, putting myself down like that, all those emotions that come from making a mistake like this... Thats what I'm dealing with today... I feel so hurt, I'm so mad because i can't even concentrate in prayer with him coming to my mind... I know this will eventually pass but right now, right this minute, its driving me crazy, its hurting like hell and I just want to pick up the phone and say, you know what?? i'm freaking hurting while you're now playing mr perfect husband... smh... but thats how i feel, i'm not going to do it... I have decided I dont want to be his friend, I dont want to contact him or be contacted by him and I know I dont' have to let him know... I dont' think he will contact me anyway, so that's going to make it much easier for me... I still have to see his mom every so often but I hope to be healed by then and not fall into that trap anymore... I don't want to come off as immature by shutting him completely out, but if I still have a pinch of self love and dignity, I think its the proper thing to do, no contact.... help me guys, how to get over someone you do love but can't be loved back... :'( can't sleep, not hungry, depressed and my family is starting to notice somehting is wrong... I am divorced and have two adolescent kids... I just havent been the happy go merry person I was a month ago... and going to church, that's another things... I feel so bad, I feel like crying when i'm there.... but I know God is not to blame.... i brought this upon myself.... anyways... i think ive just about taken up alot of this space... please pray for me.... give me feedback even if it will hurt me, i need to get real and get over this.... :'(

angel 2 years ago

@iwanttobeloved, I am praying for you. Forgive yourself and the other person. God will heal all our broken hearts sooner than we can know.

PDGG 2 years ago

@iwanttobeloved First of all, you are human. We all make mistakes. Go to youtube and search for "Trying to Survive You" by NKOTB. One of my favorites, and music can help in the healing process. You just have to find the strength to move on. One day at a time. It's not easy, but eventually you will find your smile again. Focus on you and your family. No need to get involved with someone else for a long time. Yes it gets lonely sometimes, but having that time with your thoughts will do wonders in helping you to sort it all out. I will say a prayer for you, too and hope that you find your way to brighter days. **hugs**

happychrissy27 2 years ago

am so glad that I found this site. I am 35 single female never married, has a crush on a manager 35 (he is married with 2 kids under 7) in the same office building. We connected on linkedin and after that it was non stop emails from him to me telling me about at first how he(only he at this point I didn't know and he didn't disclose that he was married) about how he loves traveling every year with his friends to Germany,(doesnt bring his family which I found out 2 days ago) how he also loves to hike, bike do outdoor activites, never once has he mentioned that he was attached. We had seen each other in the office passing by before we connected so he knew what I looked like and vice versa. Anyways he wanted to know where I sat and he came down to visit me but I wasn't at my desk that time. So we continued to email back and forth at work.

The next week he went on vacation and didn't say that he was going with his family, just going on vacation, but after I found out from another co-worker that he was married I wanted him to tell me in person. When he got back I asked him and he told me he went on his family. I removed him from my linkedin and stopped communicating with him for 2 days. At this point, I feel betrayed and lied too b/c he knew I was single, and I thought he was single and he never mentioned that he was married, not once!

Within the 2 days, he went back on my linkedin account knowing that I removed him and that I would see that he visited my page but he didn't send an invite. So i figured to be the bigger person and to just play it normal and professional and not ignore him which would make him think that I have feelings and is upset. So i said went by his desk to say hi and he was extremely happy to see me and was asking me what i was doing for the weekend, etc. Once I left his desk, he sends me an email within 10 minutes thanking me for coming up to chat and how that he has seen that we weren't connected on linkedin and wanted to know why? I lied and said i didnt know what happened but I did remove him b/c I felt betrayed. He also said in his emails that he thought that he offended me or something that was the reason why I might have removed him. Again, I said no.

So this past weekend I asked him, how is your family to remind him in case he forgot that he was still married. He told me that his wife and kids were going to visit her mother in MA and that he didn't want to go b/c he didn't feel like taking the drive up there in a car. He was also thinking about going up state to a festival, which was again 2 or 3 hours drive. Also. mindyou, he went to college there and has done the drive many a times!

Well, needless to say, he stayed home for the weekend. At this point, he keeps emailing me back and forth and yes i do respond to him, I do admit that i like the attention even though it is the wrong type of attention. Now the emails are getting deeper where he tells me and complements me on how i have an adventurist spirit b/c i love traveling and that he loves doing that as well. He even rode his back of state all the way up to Maine and then down to Baltimore bc he likes that feeling of being alive and advernturist. He even sent me a video of him when he was taking this trip by him self, mind you. Again he NEVER brings up his wife or kids at all. He ONLY talks about himself and the things he likes to do and then compliments me on what i have done.

He is super flirty in his daily emails(today he sent me 24 emails) and even today he wanted me to send him pictures of myself in last years halloween costume(which i told him that I don't think it would be appropriate b/c I didn't want him to not see me in a professional way) He says that why he wants to see them..

I have spoken with my female and male friends who both tell me that happily married men do NOT act this way and that he is done with his wife and men normally Stay because of the kids! Does this sound like a happily married father/husband?

SylvieD 2 years ago

I am a mature married woman with grown children. I have a crush on my boss. He is a little younger than me. His wife works in the same area, different department. They have a son.

This is not a typical crush. He is totally not the hunky type I like, yet he is handsome. He is extremely intelligent and we share humor. He has a quirky side too which sometimes makes me question my attraction. I don't think of sex with him. I would never want anyone to get hurt.

I think I just enjoy the attention I get from him from time to time.

After reading the posts here, I feel certain I am feeling a little lonely in my marriage. I enjoy my good feelings about my boss and am certain I will never act on them. Where's the harm?

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

SylvieD - where's the harm? Ah that is a slippery slope. Joking turns into flirting turns into outright explicit sexual conversations. You find yourself essentially playing a game of chicken and if neither party will back down the next thing you know you are in an affair. For me it wound up that my crush and I pretty much wound up disclosing simultaneously. The talk has ratcheted up quite a few notches, and we're hurtling towards an actual affair rather rapidly. Both of us continue to fight it - but at the same time we're drawn to each other. She's not happy in her marriage, I'm not in mine. It doesn't make it right, and we both know that - so intermixed with our daily flirty we try and figure out how to best help each other with our spouses. You know, if one of us is happy it would mean this is off - and it would be over and done with. I don't know if that will work. A clean break isn't possible at this point, and honestly would be too painful for me to consider even if it were.

SylvieD just be careful - it doesn't take much to wind up in this situation. Every day has become a struggle not to just give in.

jadelola 2 years ago

@PDGG -I am a huge NKOTB fan-happy that you recommended that great song :)

I am so happy that this post is active. I see my married crush every day and unfortunately, his wife suspects that I like him-shouldn't have gone to the party of our mutual friend. He now texts me less. Once we texted in the evening and he asked me how my personal training was..and we text back and forth but not too much…suddenly I received a text back from his wife 'X is bathing the children'. A few weeks ago I have a birthday party and we planned on going to this bar we sometimes go to…the day before he sends a message that he is sorry but he can't come. Our friend told me it's coz of his wife…

I see him every day as we go to work together and eat lunch together. He is always paying me attention even when there are others around. Will look at me and make faces if he has nothing to say.

Yesterday, in the car he was speaking on the phone to his brother and it was a long conversation so he kept on looking at me and making funny faces knowing it would make me laugh but telling me to be quiet. I feel bad for wanting him to like me-but I think it's also normal that if you like someone you obviously want the feelings to be mutual even if nothing will ever happen. He knows i like me and can see right through me.

How can you know if someone likes you?

vibesites profile image

vibesites 2 years ago from United States

Interesting article. I've been there too, having a crush on a colleague some years ago. Good thing he let me know though that he's married, he even related to me how his family life had been. Hadn't he mentioned that to me (in the assumption that he too liked me) I would've plunged into a relationship with him, and I would have found out too late that he was actually married. I would have hurt myself in the process. Nice article, btw, a good guide for women in that kind of situation.

jadelola 2 years ago

A question for the men here (and women)- under what circumstances would you hide from your wife that a female is also going out with you and your friend to the local bar? I found out that each time i went out with my crush and a mutual guy friend to a pub that his wife didn't know that i was also coming. The mutual guy friend didn't hide it from his wife but my crush did...

happychrissy27 2 years ago

I am 35 single female never married, has a crush on a manager 35 (he is married with 2 kids under 7) in the same office building. We connected on linkedin and after that it was non stop emails from him to me telling me about at first how he(only he at this point I didn't know and he didn't disclose that he was married) about how he loves traveling every year with his friends to Germany,(doesnt bring his family which I found out 2 days ago) how he also loves to hike, bike do outdoor activites, never once has he mentioned that he was attached. We had seen each other in the office passing by before we connected so he knew what I looked like and vice versa. Anyways he wanted to know where I sat and he came down to visit me but I wasn't at my desk that time. So we continued to email back and forth at work.

The next week he went on vacation and didn't say that he was going with his family, just going on vacation, but after I found out from another co-worker that he was married I wanted him to tell me in person. When he got back I asked him and he told me he went on his family. I removed him from my linkedin and stopped communicating with him for 2 days. At this point, I feel betrayed and lied too b/c he knew I was single, and I thought he was single and he never mentioned that he was married, not once!

Within the 2 days, he went back on my linkedin account knowing that I removed him and that I would see that he visited my page but he didn't send an invite. So i figured to be the bigger person and to just play it normal and professional and not ignore him which would make him think that I have feelings and is upset. So i said went by his desk to say hi and he was extremely happy to see me and was asking me what i was doing for the weekend, etc. Once I left his desk, he sends me an email within 10 minutes thanking me for coming up to chat and how that he has seen that we weren't connected on linkedin and wanted to know why? I lied and said i didnt know what happened but I did remove him b/c I felt betrayed. He also said in his emails that he thought that he offended me or something that was the reason why I might have removed him. Again, I said no.

So this past weekend I asked him, how is your family to remind him in case he forgot that he was still married. He told me that his wife and kids were going to visit her mother in MA and that he didn't want to go b/c he didn't feel like taking the drive up there in a car. He was also thinking about going up state to a festival, which was again 2 or 3 hours drive. Also. mindyou, he went to college there and has done the drive many a times!

Well, needless to say, he stayed home for the weekend. At this point, he keeps emailing me back and forth and yes i do respond to him, I do admit that i like the attention even though it is the wrong type of attention. Now the emails are getting deeper where he tells me and complements me on how i have an adventurist spirit b/c i love traveling and that he loves doing that as well. He even rode his back of state all the way up to Maine and then down to Baltimore bc he likes that feeling of being alive and advernturist. He even sent me a video of him when he was taking this trip by him self, mind you. Again he NEVER brings up his wife or kids at all. He ONLY talks about himself and the things he likes to do and then compliments me on what i have done.

He is super flirty in his daily emails(today he sent me 24 emails) and even today he wanted me to send him pictures of myself in last years halloween costume(which i told him that I don't think it would be appropriate b/c I didn't want him to not see me in a professional way) He says that why he wants to see them..

I have spoken with my female and male friends who both tell me that happily married men do NOT act this way and that he is done with his wife and men normally Stay because of the kids! Does this sound like a happily married father/husband?

missing him 2 years ago

@jadelola: interesting question that you brought up here; how do you if your crush has the mutual feelings. This question haunts me too in the past. I told him my feelings, and I asked him if the feelings were mutual? We both understand that there is nothing we can do to act upon our feelings, thus its a satisfaction that I can get at least to know how he feels. I'm less being emotional nowadays compared to the times when I keep thinking whether he likes me too?

AllyG47 profile image

AllyG47 2 years ago from Minnesota

I am single and have a huge crush on a married man. He's a local celebrity and we've never met but I've seen him around town. He's often on the news doing interviews and I've read news stories about him online. He has been married to a TV news reporter for less than a year and she works in another state on the opposite side of the country. I'm not sure how their marriage works like that but I read that he recently put his house on the market. I have a feeling he's going to move to her state to be with her, however, I also heard that he loves his job here and wants to keep it. Every time I've seen this guy, my stomach fills with butterflies, my heart melts and, sometimes, I start giggling like a schoolgirl. I'm almost 30 years old, so what is wrong with me? This guy has the most gorgeous smile and beautiful brown eyes. From what I've seen of him on TV, he loves to joke around and have fun. He is super confident when answering questions, even the tough questions. We also share many of the same hobbies. I can't stop thinking about him and I keep imagining all the "What if's?" I would never act on my feelings, unless I found out he was getting a divorce (and even then I might be too nervous to make a move). I never hear any news about his marriage so I have no idea if there are any problems there or not. Some days, I hope they get a divorce but, other days, I think that since nothing is ever going to happen between us, as much as I want something to happen, that he might as well be happy in his marriage. I wish there was a way to make these feelings for him go away. I am so glad I don't work with him every day because it would be that much harder for me to get over him but I do see him around town and on local TV so it's kind of hard to avoid him altogether. I keep trying to tell myself that the person I see on TV or around town isn't who he is in reality and it seems to be helping a little bit.

missing him 2 years ago

@notwhatiplanned: recently we had a common friend facing a dilemma with a guy who cheated pursued her but ended up he already in a relationship with another girl. Ever since this friend pour her stories to us (my crush and me), I felt a distance my crush trying to keep from me. I'm not sure is it me who are being sensitive or is it him feeling guilty thus trying to draw a line between us. I'm just feeling hurt and torn by his actions. And yes I understand there is nothing I can expect from him. I shall learn that quickly. Sometimes I feel, being best friends ever and at the same time knowing we have mutual feelings and helping each other to work on issues faced are the best thing in life.

jadelola 2 years ago

@missing him- i understand your feelings about your crush keeping a distance. It hurts although you know that he is married and there is a good reason he is distancing himself. Did he tell you that he likes you back? I sometimes wish my crush wasn't nice to me all the time although when he tries to distance himself i hate it. Yesterday, we went out for lunch and i asked for a bottle of water. He told me to send it back and he will get me a bottle from his work-much cheaper. On the way home not only did he bring me a bottle of water but also got me a bottle of my favourite drink!!! On the one hand he wants to keep a distance and on the other hand he is so nice to me (when he isn't teasing me) Why does he do that ????

missing him 2 years ago

@jadelola: I feel you. Its sometimes confusing but we knew those avoidance and distance are for good cause. Nothing can be done for that. Probably we can think it another way whereby our crush are good men after all. Hope that direction of thinking may ease our heartache a bit. He told me that he likes me a lil, not sure if that is just to make me feel less depressed as many other times his actions speak otherwise (through avoidance/keeping distance)

voyager 2 years ago

What an inspiring and helpful thread- makes me feel less alone. :)

Same old story here- crush on a married man, who seems to really like talking to me too- but even though it makes me sad, I know he does not belong to me.

He hasn't said or done anything inappropriate either, but we are so comfortable with each other. Why is the right thing so hard to do, and will I ever have feelings like this with an available man? I know that no one can answer that. ;)

I am trying to just be a friend, but not let on how I feel towards him out of respect for him and his wife and daughter.

So hard having strong feelings for some one and caring about their happiness and that of their family while I am keeping myself out of everything and just missing him terribly from the sidelines.

Any strength and wisdom would be appreciated.

I am trying so hard to do the right thing, but feel sad and lonely. Better days ahead... ? Good luck to you all. Thanks

missing him 2 years ago

@voyager: I could totally relate. To me, as long as my crush is living happily and having a healthy body, I'll be happy too. At times I wish to do something to make him happy but I knew I'm not in the right capacity to do so. I could just miss him all days and nights and dream about him when I'm sleeping. The best thing ever is to fall asleep thinking of him.

PDGG 2 years ago

@missing him, I was thinking about what you asked @jadelola the other day.

"how do you if your crush has the mutual feelings. This question haunts me too in the past. I told him my feelings, and I asked him if the feelings were mutual? We both understand that there is nothing we can do to act upon our feelings, thus its a satisfaction that I can get at least to know how he feels. I'm less being emotional nowadays compared to the times when I keep thinking whether he likes me too?"

I envy you that you know how he feels. I want to tell him, but I have been down that road so many times and it never worked out for me. Even my marriage didn't work out. I always end up with a broken heart. And it would break my heart to hear that "you're my friend but I don't feel that way about you" speech from him. So my feelings remain secret. But there are times when I'm near him that I feel my heart about to burst through my chest because it's beating so hard. So, I wish that I knew, but then I am also glad that I don't. As long as it remains secret, the question remains unanswered, so it could go either way. But you say you are less emotional, so would you say you are happier for knowing? Especially for knowing he shares your feelings? I imagine I would be elated, but at the same time heartbroken that I could not be with him. I guess I'm just an emotional jumble right now. :(


Ever hear "Misty" by Johnny Mathis? There's this line in the song that says, "walk my way and a thousand violins begin to play..or it might be the sound of your hello, that music I hear, I get misty the moment you're near" Totally how I feel whenever I see him, hear his voice, or even hear his name mentioned. Maybe I should just stop listening to old love songs. :)

But I'm supposed to be doing better, right? I am, but I find myself coming back here when my heart starts to swell. Just needed a little support tonight. Trying to stay strong. Hoping others are as well! :)

voyager 2 years ago

@missing him - thanks for your comments. I guess when we are missing them the most it helps to look at the big picture and realize that if they are happy and healthy, that is the important thing. Yes we miss them, but we aren't hurting anyone... and hopefully time will heal our hearts.Keep thinking those happy thoughts of him!

@PDGG- I feel your pain..I hope you can feel better soon- I am in the dilemma too of just wishing sometimes that he could just know how I feel about him without ever trying to act on it or try to steal him away. I would never do that, but I know what you mean about how hard the potential rejection might be... "I like you as a friend... but.." ugh so hard. It is definitely a cruelly hard thing to love someone, and want the best for them, and wish them all happiness in life, but never be able to be with them and share in their joys and comfort them in their sorrows... life is hard. Misty... what a great song! Sending some support to stay strong, I know it is hard....

missing him 2 years ago

@pdgg: yes, it is a huge relieve to know how he feels as I no longer need to guess/make own assumption around. That was like the biggest question haunting me like forever. However, even though he told me how he feels but overall, I still feeling heartbroken from time to time especially when one of us not working, he will not be in contact with me. So end up, sometimes when i really missed him a lot, I will try to send him message and he may or may not reply (even if he replied it was very minimal conversation) which led me to another heartache.

Sometimes, he really give me the feeling of "you're my friend but I don't feel that way about you". I'm not sure if it's just me or it is really the case. I'm just feeling torn apart.

Same as you, I do come here often just to seek for opinion or to put in some insights to others :) I think I just need to work on self improvement, to bring my EQ to another level. Stay strong there :)

voyager 2 years ago

Hi all,

I'm really sad and looking for some insight, not justification... is it okay to tell my married crush how I feel about him if I make it very clear that I am respectful of his marriage and am NOT looking to try and start something with him? I want him to just KNOW so very much it actually hurts... but is just telling him “interfering” and butting in to his life and disrepecting his marriage? I love him so much, he is so nice to me without being inappropriate or disrespectful to his wife, we are good friends....if things were different I would ask him out straight up in a minute, but of course I can't and won't and will suffer in silence forever if necessary... is it ever okay just to let them know or not? They say that if you have to ask, you already know the answer and are just looking for people to tell you what you want to hear..... I love him so much and it hurts that he is so close, but yet so far forever.....Why is this so hard.. I almost wish I had never met him if I can't be with him and love him properly. But then again I don't wish that I had never met him... wasn't it an old Kim Mitchell song that said that being in love was like being insane... I get it now... and I'm more sad than anything else. Sorry for venting, but thank you so much to anyone that listened to my ramble and hears my pain.

PDGG 2 years ago

@voyager *sigh* I am so in the same boat with you..."if things were different I would ask him out straight up in a minute, but of course I can't and won't and will suffer in silence forever if necessary..." Have you been reading my diary? lol just kidding. :)

The way I muddle through is that I feel that my desire to not hurt him is greater than my desire for him to know. Or maybe I'm so scared of being burned again that I just don't have the guts to tell him. I think it's both. Which is no help to me, so I will just keep coming back here as long as I feel I need to. It is very helpful to know I am not alone in this.

missing him 2 years ago

@both: I were once in the same boat too. Torn between to let him know or not to. But I just couldn't care much nowadays. Not trying to seek for justification here, just that I prefer some clarity in everything rather than playing the assumption game since we are best friends. I so do not want to ruin our friendship because of all these as I knew we will not take things to the next level. So, I'm fine with we knew what is in each other's mind and remain as friends. But at times, I do get emotional inside :(

jadelola 2 years ago

@voyager-mine knows about my feelings and many times I wish he didn't know. If he were single and wanted to I would go out with him without thinking twice -from the minute we me we had chemistry and it's something that even our ex-boss noticed. I think if you don't want to ruin your friendship and having the risk of him him taking a few steps back don't tell him. Mine took a few steps back after people started noticing that i liked him...he has taken a few steps forward again but still nothing will come out of it.

PDGG 2 years ago

@jadelola What do you mean when you say he has taken a few steps forward again? Has more happened between you two?

jadelola 2 years ago

@pdgg No, nothing has happened and nothing will. I meant that when people started talking then for about 2 months he was distant and hardly looked at me. However, now he acts again like he did before paying me attention and being so considerate towards me-when he isn't mean to me. Today, he did the nicest thing- i worked half day as i had a family gathering. However, i decided to go sit with him and some other friends for a few minutes during lunch. He ordered a business lunch and when he got the first course he started eating it and then said- wait you eat it so you won't be hungry!!! How sweet!!! I don't get why he is so nice to me when he isn't teasing me...and he told me he doesn't tease anyone else.

voyager 2 years ago

@PDGG ... sad but true that I think we have the same diary! ;) So much of your story is exactly like mine... I like your idea of remembering that the desire not to hurt him is stronger, even if it is hard I am trying not to be selfish..... wise words.

@missing him . I guess it is so hard either way (whether they know how you feel or not, if you can't be with them, it is still painful.) I get emotional too. This board helps a lot! It helps to be understood!

@jadelola I appreciate your insight from the other side of the fence- where he knows. I guess you are right, once it is out there and he knows, you can't take it back. I'm glad that your friendship is returning to where it was! That is good news.

Hang in there everyone!

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

missing him - yeah, unfortunately that doesn't seem to be helping either one of us. Instead we're finding more and more things wrong in our respective home lives - and less incentive to try and fix things at home. I poured my heart out recently to my wife, and somehow it by and large was ignored. We haven't been intimate in years, but MY issue is the emotional connection, not the physical. She seems to only focus on the physical and it's just exhausting.

My crush too is feeling basically like more of a servant, only there to fulfill her husbands needs/desires, while having hers go ignored. She too has tried to reach out, and instead is rebuffed. She's a beautiful woman full of life and so much giving, but seems to not even want to look at her when they are intimate, unless she is giving him... well you can guess.... I don't get it. How did either of us wind up here - and the the hell is the point of us finding each other now?

voyager 2 years ago

@AllyG47 - I k now it is hard, but I guess you are right about trying to focus on the fact that he has a happy marriage, unless it ends differently some day, who knows the future. But I completely agree that it would be great if we could be happy for them, and make our own feelings go away if they are not meant to be with us. It doesn't seem right to not be able to share these feelings with them. I wish feelings had a delete button sometimes! Wouldn't that be easier?

happychrissy27 2 years ago

Please read and comment, I need some advice!! I am 35 single female never married, has a crush on a manager 35 (he is married with 2 kids under 7) in the same office building. We connected on linkedin and after that it was non stop emails from him to me telling me about at first how he(only he at this point I didn't know and he didn't disclose that he was married) about how he loves traveling every year with his friends to Germany,(doesnt bring his family which I found out 2 days ago) how he also loves to hike, bike do outdoor activites, never once has he mentioned that he was attached. We had seen each other in the office passing by before we connected so he knew what I looked like and vice versa. Anyways he wanted to know where I sat and he came down to visit me but I wasn't at my desk that time. So we continued to email back and forth at work.

The next week he went on vacation and didn't say that he was going with his family, just going on vacation, but after I found out from another co-worker that he was married I wanted him to tell me in person. When he got back I asked him and he told me he went on his family. I removed him from my linkedin and stopped communicating with him for 2 days. At this point, I feel betrayed and lied too b/c he knew I was single, and I thought he was single and he never mentioned that he was married, not once!

Within the 2 days, he went back on my linkedin account knowing that I removed him and that I would see that he visited my page but he didn't send an invite. So i figured to be the bigger person and to just play it normal and professional and not ignore him which would make him think that I have feelings and is upset. So i said went by his desk to say hi and he was extremely happy to see me and was asking me what i was doing for the weekend, etc. Once I left his desk, he sends me an email within 10 minutes thanking me for coming up to chat and how that he has seen that we weren't connected on linkedin and wanted to know why? I lied and said i didnt know what happened but I did remove him b/c I felt betrayed. He also said in his emails that he thought that he offended me or something that was the reason why I might have removed him. Again, I said no.

So this past weekend I asked him, how is your family to remind him in case he forgot that he was still married. He told me that his wife and kids were going to visit her mother in MA and that he didn't want to go b/c he didn't feel like taking the drive up there in a car. He was also thinking about going up state to a festival, which was again 2 or 3 hours drive. Also. mindyou, he went to college there and has done the drive many a times!

Well, needless to say, he stayed home for the weekend. At this point, he keeps emailing me back and forth and yes i do respond to him, I do admit that i like the attention even though it is the wrong type of attention. Now the emails are getting deeper where he tells me and complements me on how i have an adventurist spirit b/c i love traveling and that he loves doing that as well. He even rode his back of state all the way up to Maine and then down to Baltimore bc he likes that feeling of being alive and advernturist. He even sent me a video of him when he was taking this trip by him self, mind you. Again he NEVER brings up his wife or kids at all. He ONLY talks about himself and the things he likes to do and then compliments me on what i have done.

He is super flirty in his daily emails(today he sent me 24 emails) and even today he wanted me to send him pictures of myself in last years halloween costume(which i told him that I don't think it would be appropriate b/c I didn't want him to not see me in a professional way) He says that why he wants to see them..

I have spoken with my female and male friends who both tell me that happily married men do NOT act this way and that he is done with his wife and men normally Stay because of the kids! Does this sound like a happily married father/husband?

voyager 2 years ago

@happychrissy27 It sounds like there are a lot of issues going on - his friendship with you, and his home situation. I know that it is hard.. ( I also have a friend connection, not as advanced as yours with the e-mails etc, with a married man with kids.. Just casual friendship except for my huge crush!) So, I do know that it is hard not to try and pursue things, my advice is to let things play out in his home situation first. If he really is unhappy, the marriage may reach a natural conclusion, and then he would be free to be with you. I tell myself all of the time when we are talking and I wish it could progress to a deeper friendship/ possible relationship that I really wouldn't want to contribute in any way to breaking up or interfering with his wife and family. It feels unfair to have these feelings for him, and a "friendship connection", but not be able to share my life with him. That is just my two cents worth, not sure that it helped you at all, but I do feel your frustration and confusion at being in this situation.

happychrissy27 2 years ago

Thank you voyager for responding! :) I completely agree with you that I don't want to be involved until he gets divorce if that EVER happens. One of my friends who is now married for 2 weeks, just confided in me that she broke up her now husband's marriage and he had 2 kids as well. HORRIBLE. i don't want to be that person at all! I do believe in karma, even though i wont tell HER that. But she is telling me to leave him alone even though she went through it. Interesting!

I am going to play it cool as possible and just be friends with him. Who knows, I may meet someone else that blows THIS Married guy out of the water, right? Hope and pray! :)

Anyone else, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO READ AND COMMENT ON HAPPYCHRISSY27 post above. thank you!

voyager 2 years ago

@happychrissy27 It is DEFINITELY the hard choice to not go ahead and try to pursue him, but I do believe that what goes around, comes around and all of that. Such a cliche, I know.... I am going through the same hard time that you are, and I KNOW it sucks, I want to talk to him every day, all day!... but I also just try to imagine for a minute that in some future time I am together with my crush, and how terrible I would feel if some girl that he met, (like me, or you etc.) was chasing him.... and worse, that he was responding... ugh.. sad! Their wives found them first, and I am trying so hard to respect that. I am incredibly sad though, so I understand your feelings. But you are right! Maybe there is a great single guy just waiting out there for us both! Good luck :)

happychrissy27 2 years ago


I would feel bad if I was the wife and a girl was chasing him, but that is not the situation at all. I am NOT chasing him, he is chasing me, which is strange for a married man. I am only replying back to his emails that he sends me, not the other way around, so at this point, I am doing anything wrong, just corresponding with a fellow coworker even though HE is the one slightly going over the line. LOL

voyager 2 years ago


No, you aren't doing anything wrong- sorry if I was projecting my own situation into my reply to you a bit.... I'm not thinking clearly these days. ;)

Just trying to get through one day at a time here, and it's SO hard...

I hope it all works out the best for you! Hang in there. Best wishes.

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

This sucks. This sucks so so much. I can't stand the feeling of not being with her, at the same time I don't think I could stand not having her so close. Seriously what is the point in all of this? At this point her complaints regarding her other half I'm barely trying to make suggestions and help. He's just a fucking ass. At the same time my pleas to the wife fell on deaf ears. She read and heard nothing of what I said. This is why I don't bother pouring my heart out - it's a waste of time and energy. I do love my wife, but I'm pretty sure my crush is turning more into a love thing than anything else. Why? What is the damned point? What am I supposed to do with this? The universe doesn't give signs, but I sure wish it would right now. This would be far more bearable if it was just a sex thing. Hell sex scares me - I have a lot of baggage being brought to the table for that. I'd be happy as hell just to hold her in my arms. I'd probably sleep the best I have in years and maybe just for a night not be swallowed by so many negative emotions.

missing haim 2 years ago

@notwhatiplanned: have both of you (you and your crush) consider of divorcing and being together?

voyager 2 years ago

@notwhatiplanned For all of the "stay away from married people" advice which is generally valid, sometimes people do marry the wrong person. It seems like in your case neither of the spouses (yours and your crushes) is putting effort in to the marriage. Perhaps this is a case where the marriages ending is the best choice for everyone, and then you and your crush can move forward into a loving relationship...

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

Missing Him - We've chatted about what it would be like if we were together, but no real serious discussions involving the D word. I know it scares her, and it scares me. Terrifies me. She's younger and the relationship, while several years, is only going on 2+ years for their actual marriage. There's still hope there I think . As for mine I've started trying to do the checklists a lot of sites say you should do. Am I staying because of fear or is this something I want to still move forward with? I honestly don't know anymore. We've been together almost 18 years at this point. I don't know who I am without her. We still make each other laugh, I do care for her, but more and more I realize she just doesn't "get" me. I don't know how to get the communication back. I don't know if it's possible. Hell part of me isn't sure I care to try anymore. This would be a lot easier to just decide if there weren't kids involved, but of course why should anything be easy?

Also - say both of us get divorces, would jumping into a brand new relationship be smart? I don't think it would. There has to be some sort of healing process regardless.

Voyager - yeah, I get that. I know my wife still does love me, which makes this whole not understanding what I am asking for part harder. She seems to think this is a physical issues, and not an emotional one. I guess maybe if she realized there was something deeper at play here between the two of us that is keeping the bedroom a love free zone she'd have to realize how much work needs to be done, and then maybe she'd just give up? I don't know. I'm tired of feeling pressured to have sex, I know that much. But nothing I say/do seems to convey that.

Meanwhile my Crush isn't in a love free marriage, but it seems to be one devoid of taking her desires into consideration. I don't get that either.

I keep having this weird fantasy where somehow our spouses wind up together, leaving us free to see where we can go. I know - dumb and crazy. I've got a lot of thinking to do regardless. Honestly though I'd probably continue just tolerate not being happy had this never came along. Now I'm not so sure. At some point the universe has to give me a sign, right?

imhurting 2 years ago

glad i found this, i need to express myself without being judged or thought of as an inmature, unstable, selfish, inmoral, bad and all the adjectives people give women who fall in love wth married men. After 25 years I reconnected with an old boyfriend, his mom (who is my godmother) and I reconnected and he got my number from her and started to text me. He is married for 25 years now and I am divorced. I'll try to make this as short and to point as possible. We went from texting to talking on the phone to video chatting almost everyday for three weeks straight. The attraction and flirting was obvious between both of us, and grew more and more as the days went by. I used to really really love this guy back when were young and I made the mistake of letting my emotions kick in again this time, I should of known better. I told him and we agreed we would stop not only because we are both christian, but he is married and obviously getting involved like that was not going to get us anywhere, it was going to create problems for both of us and someone was going to get hurt. Well, that's what we had agreed upon but everytime we talked it was unevitable, neither him and me could avoid feeling how we felt and treating each other like we were treating each other. I hopped on a plane for one week to my godmother's house. Unfortunately, things didnt go as I thought they would. First they did, he picked me up at the airport, there was kissing, hugging, flirtation and chemistry!! But the truth of the matter is that I realized the second day I was there that ths was all a mental affair for him... he never planned on takng it to the next level with me, I confronted him in a conversation and he admitted it... frst he said i must of misunderstood him, wtf?? then he admitted to havng had led me on... well, i was dieing for the week to be over because everytme I had to see him, I would just get so angry at him because the first few days he contnued to flirt with me but I started to become distant.. this was a game for him... finally the day for me to leave came and I put myself on a cab before he got there to pick me up... when he realized i had left, he started to text me angry, askng why i left like that... i didnt want to give hm the satisfaction of seeing the hurt in my face when i had to say goodbye... well its been three weeks snce i got back during which there have been calls, texts, emails... instead of implementing no contact, i let my anger and my emotions get the best of me... he apologzed for hurting me but asked me to put this behind us, that we could continue to be friends but that for the tme being he didnt want to text, call or email... the last time he asked me that was two fridays ago where he refused to speak to me on the phone but didnt mind having a text convo with me, saying that it wasnt that he didnt want to speak to me but he thought it best that we dont talk, text or email for now, ouch :"( double ouch, i've been depressed all this time, crying, going through the rollercoaster process of tryng to put this behind me but it hasnt been easy.. last week I attempted to call him again and of course he didnt answer so i left him a message letting him know that i was really sorry because besides everything, we were friends and it was never my intention to scare him off to the point of him having to ask me not to contact him anymore... I tried to hold back the tears as I was talking but I couldnt so I think that the little dignity and self resepct I had, I left on that message... of course, i havent heard from him and honestly even though there is a big part of me that wishes he never did again, there is always that little part that does... this just hurt me more than it should of.... and I'm not giving myself a pity party, I knew I was putting my hand in fire but what can I say, it happened... I just want it to stop hurting already, I want to stop thinking about him, I want to stop feelng so stupd for putting myself in the position of looking so needy to him, of not having enought dignity to accept his rejection and just dissapear... instead I kept calling him until it got to the point where he had to ask me nicely to back off... that hurts, to me that means he never felt anything, it was what I knew it was.. a game, a mental affair and there is no reason for him to want to call me back and continue our friendship.... and I should have at least a bit of dignity at this point and self love to not even want him to contact me again... i am on day 4 of no contact, i erased his numb from my phone but i havent blocked the number but I blocked him on tango and on facebook.. As a christian I know this was wrong and these are my consequences but I know Gods love, mercy and forgiveness is everlasting... getting back up on my feet like was before he contacted me has helped me to start moving forward... lots of prayer... but I am human and there are days my heart feels like a raisin... and others where I am so mad I just want to call him and let him have it... I hope there is someone that can relate and understand what I am feeling right now.... I want to delete this from my mind!!! I suffer from depression and it's kicking in again, I can't go back to getting sick again... makes me angry to think I'm feeling like this and he is most likely going on with his life as if nothing happened.... :""( how do i stop the hurting??

voyager 2 years ago

@imhurting Your situation sounds frustrating and painful.. Sometimes we all do things that we shouldn't... this is a tough situation. A few of your sentences really stuck in my mind, especially about wanting to delete things from your mind and I truly do not know how to stop the hurting. I can't stop it for my self, so I have no wise words to offer you- we just have to pray for strength to get through.. and hope it gets easier. I feel your pain, I wish I could delete it from my mind too. I guess you just need to stay strong with the no contact for now, and if it is meant to be, it will work out somehow.. I don't know, just trying to help. :) I'm probably not the best to person to try and help since I am hurting too. Stay strong.

imhurting 2 years ago

@voyager thank you for your words, sometimes its not necessary to say many things to comfort a person, just knowing that someone can relate to my pain and situation helps... thank you :-(

voyager 2 years ago

@ imhurting You are welcome... maybe someone else has more advice to offer for those of us that are hurting....

jadelola 2 years ago

@imhurting I symphathise with you and we all here know what it's like to have feelings for a married person.

I think it's best for you to try and not contact him so that you can move on. Outta sight outta mind.

You need time to get over him but since you don't live near him/work with him it'll be easier for you. I don't have any magic potion for you-if i had i would use it also on myself :-) All i can say is that i understand your pain and take your time to get over the pain.

jadelola 2 years ago

It's so hard to get over my feelings. He is so sweet to me. Yesterday, he sent message that although he isn't eating out he is going to sit with colleagues so i must come. Today, the same. He surprised me that he waited for me on the corner as i always meet them at the restaurant.

Then we saw another colleague of his that he dislikes at the restaurant and when i was working with them tried to come between us and since then my crush hates him...So he said to him twice something like 'you see she is still my friend' Their boss also came with us to eat.

Also, i sat down first while the other guys ordered their food and he came to sit right next to me. When the other guys finished eating he told them they can go and we sat for a few more minutes together.

I feel like a school girl writing this and inspecting every detail. Obviously, on the way to and from work he didn't stop teasing me.

But he is so funny and he knows i don't mind and laugh.

Sometimes , amidst all the teasing he tells me that i am a great person.

I wonder how he feels about me and if we had a chance if he wasn't married. I would never ask him!

voyager 2 years ago

@jadelola I think that caring a lot about someone who is unavailable is a very strong frustrating emotional pain to be in... especially when they act friendly to us and in a way that would encourage us to pursue a relationship with them if they were single.... it hurts so much, I know! Is there a cure? And I wish that " out of sight , out of mind" was true... I don't know about anyone else, but I think about him whether I see him or not, 24/7! :( Time will heal I guess.

PDGG 2 years ago

I am starting to think that I have imagined any attraction my crush may feel towards me. After hearing what so many of you have said about the way your crushes are with you with the teasing, sitting by you, doing things for you, etc, I think it must have been all in my head. My crush doesn't really do those things. I mean, he's funny and he'll laugh and joke, but I can't recall him actually doing something for me that wasn't work related. He doesn't go out of his way to talk to me. Anyway, why should he? I have no right to want him to do anything for me. I think it's really time for me to move on and try to be happy like I truly hope that he is. I am sure I will still need some friendly support from time to time and I like to hear how everyone else is doing, so I'll still be around.

@jadelola From what you've said, I would guess that your crush has feelings for you, too. I just think he doesn't know how to tell you.

Not sure what will happen now. I just know that my feelings for my crush are real.

I love him. I didn't know how to tell him either.

jadelola 2 years ago

@voyager - yea it's very frustrating. I care too much for him and he knows about my feelings and still continues to be so nice to me. You aren't the only one thinking about your crush...i think about him and talk about him with my close friend all the time. Not sure it's healthy but my feelings are strong.

@PDGG -I think we should all try and move on but it's easier said than done. This page is great as we can write our feelings without being judged as we are all in the same boat. Please share your feelings with us. I am sure your feelings are real. If you do tell him about your feelings think about it before. It might scare him off and make him take a step back. It might make things uncomfortable between you two. I didn't come out and tell my crush about my feelings- he figured it out and I didn't deny it...and people have noticed the chemistry between us.

MAM 2 years ago

Wow, this is a great blog. I am in a situation where I liked this guy who I thought liked me back because he would always flirt with me say things like "up thinking about you" and we would text each other almost everyday. He would call me "Baby" "sexy" "Beautiful" He basically let me on. So as far as I knew he was a single guy. When we first started talking I asked him was he married and he said no. So one night I get this call from a number that I did not recognize and it was his finance asking about what has been going on between me and her fiance. I was just in total shock because he never told me he had a fiance. So after I found out I was so mad didn't talk to him for a while, but then he tried to apologize and everything. I eventually for gave him because i still really care about him and I know that he cares about me too because still sends me messages talking about how he enjoys making me smile and etc. although I secretly wish he would leave his fiance I know he wont because he has kids with her and I dont want to do that to his family break them up. Right now I am trying my hardest to just be his friend. But its really hard.

voyager 2 years ago

@PDGG It may be too early to tell- people show their feelings and affection in many different ways- do you have a gut feeling about how he feels? It is hard when you know how true and strong your feelings are for him. Just because he is married and currently unavailable doesn't stop your feelings from developing, we are human after all. :) It is so hard ..

Whether you decide to try and move on, or whatever, you are not alone. We are here to help and support you.

@MAM It is super hard and frustrating to love someone who is unavailable but wants to be in a relationship with you. You can play all kinds of "If only...." scenarios in your head. I know I do, but I am trying very hard not to act on my feelings at all, just acknowledge them and tell myself that he is unavailable right now, and if our connection is true and strong, then maybe one day we are meant to be together. I don't know the answer for you, but I wish you well.

PDGG 2 years ago

Thank you all for your kind words. I've known him for a little over 2 years, so I'm not sure if I would have known something by now or not. I have been trying to look at the whole situation and wondering if I imagined it all. My feelings for him were so strong, that maybe I saw what I wanted to see. He is so friendly with everyone. I must have mistook his friendliness for attraction and affection. I just am looking at this and realizing that he doesn't do the things that guys do when they like someone. I want to stay his friend so I won't let on about any of this. But I'm just dying inside. It's not his fault, it's mine and my runaway heart.

I have overcome a lot of obstacles in my life and been through a lot of crap. I have worked hard to get where I am at and I deserve to have someone who loves me as much as I love him. It's crazy that it hurts so much. I am giving up on someone I never even had. He never even knew how I felt. I want him to be happy and I want nothing but the best for him. Just have to breathe.........

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

Hello crushers/crushees/and all those inbetween. Another week, another hurdle crossed without taking things further. The sad thing is if I weren't married I'd be over and done with trying to fix her marriage and would just pursue here relentlessly at this point. I honestly feel she's in that exact same boat. What are we to do? Nothing I suppose. Hope this fans out and we can be the closest of friends. I haven't felt this type of ache in years - In a perfect world our feelings for each other could be transferred over to our spouses, but this isn't a perfect world. Both of our marriages are having serious issues and that isn't helping. Maybe we're just destined to be someone to lean on for each other while this passes. I'm a horrible communicator and I'm trying to reach out to my wife to open up honest lines of communication without the fighting, the crying, the mind games, or the guilt. My last attempt has either not been read yet or is being ignored. What am I supposed to do here???

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

yeah, so got drunk tonight, and all it's done for me is make me bawl my eyes out about this entire situation (news flash, dudes cry, just generally not in front of you) can I feel like this for someone that isn't my wife? I want to feel like this about her, I want things to be like they were years ago...what happened to lead us to this point? I don't think this is a simple crush anymore and it's starting to tear me up inside. I sent the crush a song link via FB tonight, was probably a bad idea since it's more honesty than I wanted to share...still no response from the wife. I know she checks this email on the regular, or at least did, because when I responded to her the last time she read it before I even came upstairs to bed...I feel like a failure on so many levels anymore and I can't stand it. Gals - let me tell you this, for those of us guys who do reciprocate the crush, and have souls, it's heartbreaking. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. At some point this changed into what I think is am I supposed to live with this?

voyager 2 years ago

@not what iplanned Your pain and feelings of love and sadness are very real and your hurt comes through in your words... unfortunately there is no simple solution where no one gets disrupted or hurt. Either you stay with your wife and feel a lost "potential true love" or you follow your feelings with your crush and move on from your wife. I understand your temptation to pursue relentlessly, except for a marriage standing in between no matter how unhappy it is.

My crush and I talk about how a"perfect world" would be too, and it certainly isn't the one we live in, but I heard a quote once that might be of some comfort-not sure where it's from but it says that you don't have to see the whole staircase, just the first step... we never know what is around the corner, just live and get through each day. I believe that things that are meant to be will work out in their own time. I tell myself that every day, while I long to be with my crush, but can't be. I miss him so much it hurts, and while we are not having an affair,we do feel a deep connection with each other. It is so beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.

As for what to do- know that you are not alone, we are here to lend a friendly ear while things are hopefully sorting themselves out. Maybe the path will become clearer for you and your crush to one day be together, or maybe close friends is the destiny, who knows?

I wouldn't beat yourself up with guilt about having these feelings for someone other than your wife, you aren't sneaking around acting on them behind her back, there is no guilt in having feelings, even for other people. Your intentions are pure. Relationships ebb and flow, maybe the feelings for your wife will return, or if you have a strong feeling that your crush has moved beyond a "crush", maybe your future lies with her.... You certainly don't sound like a failure... if that is the standard then I am a failure for leaving a marriage when I couldn't return my husband's love, and even more of a failure for falling for another woman's husband, no matter how unhappy their marriage is, ... I wish I could help you, but I think that in the end , one day at a time, you will find your path. I wish you luck.

(On a separate note your last few lines have made me seriously reconsider ever letting my crush know my feelings if it would make him feel how you feel, and hurt him as you are hurting. I think he may intuitively know because of our connection, but anything concrete remains unspoken. Thank you for helping me to spare him that torment you are in) I truly hope it gets better for you, your wife, and your crush.

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

voyager - thank you. Seriously thank you. I've been really low for weeks (different reason, not just due to this) - and she, more than anyone else has been there for me. I don't know what to think anymore other than if I could I'd hold onto her and never let her go. I'm both stronger and weaker when I am around her at the same time.

As for torment - yes it is, but at the same time I love knowing that my feelings are reciprocated. It muddle and confuses the hell out of things but it makes me at least feel less bad, like these feelings are genuine. I know revealing those emotions isn't for everyone, and to be honest the way it worked for my crush and I was sort of a mutual disclosure.

Honestly though the tears are shedding now are far better than the tears of guilt, sorrow, grief, and anger I've been shedding for the past several weeks over my Mother. Even though it's been years this time of year is horrible for me - at least these crying sessions don't lead to suicidal thoughts, just a romantic ache that I long to fill.

I've been trying to reach out to my wife, but it's not working. I know she's reaching out to her husband with little to no effect too. In the meantime we're the closest of friends with shared hidden smiles and flirtations, and every now and then that gentle touch that comes close to going too far, but manages not to. If only the universe were just this would sort itself out without any action on our parts.

I don't think of you as a failure Voyager. I wish I felt the same about myself but sometimes it's easier to see the picture from the outside.

Ha - I wonder if one day my crush will find these messages and realize just how much I care/love her. Now that would be scary. I'd rather have her in my life as a friend than not at all, and while she does reciprocate my feelings, I don't think she quite realizes how strong my feelings have become.

missing him 2 years ago

I've been reading each and every stories above and would like to drop some notes but failed to do so every time. Guess I will drop by again. Meanwhile, I am currently running low as I've been experiencing worst feelings ever from my crush. Ever since he knew about my feelings, he so reciprocate some, but eventually pulled himself back. I understand the guilt feeling he had been experiencing for the past few months when we were close emotionally. I knew I was really at fault for putting him first place in my heart in front of everything else. I let him know my thoughts of giving him birthday surprise (I've gotten to know what he really wish to buy which is really really costly - a tools for his freelance job). I even told him that I will be here for him whenever he needed me, and he knew I wish him to be happy and health everyday. I told him I can't help much on the making him happy part, but I will try my best to help him stay healthy at least by giving him a shoulder massage when he is tired. Just a pure shoulder massage (with clothes on and no touch feely kind of thing). He accepted it at first but after some time, he has been pulling back and the distance between us feels further since last week. I am not sure what have I done that create his sudden change but I believe its for good (at least morally).

I am still struggling with this change and whenever I confronted him he just tell me he did not change. I am just confused and torn soul altogether. Thanks in advance for listening.

jadelola 2 years ago

@missing him- i totally empathise with your feelings. It is so difficult having feelings for someone that is not available. I guess the solution for me will be in a few months when my place of work move to another city/if i will find a single guy.

I think your crush is pulling back because he is scared and confused about his feelings and actions. He is married and maybe loves his wife but at the same time he likes that you like him and it's nice for his ego. I guess he doesn't want to do anything that he migh regret.

Give him his time and space.

When my crush distant himself from me after people started talking it was very painful .

His friend told me to give him time coz he doesn't hate me.

missing him 2 years ago

@jadelola u mean actually his friends know about your feelings for him? I do not have a mutual friend who know both of our feelings. So I will be total clueless about what's currently in his mind. I do hope whatever you are saying is true, I can't accept it if he is doing all these out of hate me. I feel I do not do anything that cause him to hate me. But it feels sucks when he is cold towards me.

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

well, no need for her to read these apparently - as another mutual disclosure. Which just makes us even more confused. We either love each other or it's really close to love (both confused and not sure to trust our feelings), but still love our spouses. I'm getting nowhere with mine, progress is being made with hers - but when I asked if I should pull away she said no??? I don't know. I just don't know. Hugs aside and some hand holding - the line has been drawn at physical contact. We're holding steady there. We'll see.

@Missing him - your crush is trying to do the right thing and respect his least that's how I take it. He probably is confused about his feelings and isn't ready to call it quits just yet.

@jadelola - talk has started at work - a coworker mentioned to my crush that if she didn't know better she'd say we're dating...Not sure how to stop the talk, or if I really care enough to stop it...that's probably bad but it is what it is.

There's a part of me that wishes (since there are problems in our marriages) - that our spouses wind up cheating on us , clearing a guilt free path for us to try and see if this is real. I even mentioned that today and she said she has the same thoughts... ugh. Again still trying to work things out with the missus and maybe it'll work. either way this is tearing both of us up, yet we can't seem to stop either.

voyager 2 years ago

@notwhatiplanned A random thought just just popped in my head while reading your story- feel free to disregard as I can't seem to run my own emotions and life properly, and please just answer in your head , not here, if you feel, but just to sort things out for YOU.... if you had both your wife and your crush freely available and interested in pursuing a relationship with you... what would you do? Would it be clearer or more difficult?

(As I said, please feel free to disregard my musings as I am in emotional turmoil myself! :( Almost told my crush today how I feel when we spent some extended time together today, but I remembered your pain and stopped myself, so thank you for that!) The question just popped in my head to ask you, but take it with a grain of salt.... wishing you well.

@missinghim and @ jadelola I cannot imagine the hurt, frustration and pain at having your crush be cold towards you, or pull back... that must feel terrible... I would hide in my bed for weeks if I could! But try to take it as a good sign, in a way, that they may feel something for you, but are conflicted and tormented by their situation because they can't be with you now, as in "notwhatiplanned"s situation....

This kind of situation, where people are potentially tied to the "wrong" person is heartbreaking for everyone... I have been on all sides of this, and it is crushingly painful either way. I feel in my heart that my crush and I are meant to be together, I am divorced but I only met him in the last year, and he is still in a marriage, happy or not. I haven't told him my feelings, and we see each other in professional situations only, but I feel a deep connection with him and him with me. Does anyone know that song " can't take my eyes off you"... and it isn't a superficial physical thing... does anyone else ever feel like their eyes have magnets in them?!? The world could be crumbling around you, and if they are there, it wouldn't matter, you only see them?

Is there an answer for those of us hurting in this way?! It is so painful.

PDGG 2 years ago

@voyager I love that song. "You're just too good to be true...can't take my eyes off of you..." Now that song will be in my head the rest of the night. lol

I understand your reference about magnetic. When I first met my crush, it was my first day at work. There were quite a few people standing all around in a circle including me, him, and my boss. When we shook hands, all the other people just melted away. I couldn't see anything but him. I thought we had a connection, but lately, I have come to realize that I probably imagined the whole thing. :(

As far as answers go, I'm afraid I don't have any. I've been trying to just live one day at a time with trying to get over him. It doesn't help that has such an amazing smile, eyes, laugh, etc. I hide my feelings well from him, though. It's not easy, but I just have to.

Hang in there my friends.

missing him 2 years ago

@friends - this song constantly appear in my mind:

Unbreak my heart~

Say you love me again~

Undo these hurts you caused when you walked out the door and walked out of my life~

Uncry these tears, I cried so many many nights~

Unbreak my heart~~~

voyager 2 years ago

Music is certainly therapy while we are hurting!

voyager 2 years ago

@PDGG thinking of you and your struggle, I am trying to live one day at a time and get over him too!!!... connection or not between us, and maybe it is only my imagination in my head too.. who knows... either way, he is still in a marriage, so off limitsno matter how strongly I feel about him. :( How are you coping? It is so hard! I feel your pain. I don't know if I can do it. So hard... Sending you strength and helpful thoughts!

voyager 2 years ago

Looking for strength tonight... is anyone out there? Do you ever wish that you had never met your crush to spare yourself the pain of never being able to pursue a normal relationship with them? I find myself so often in the position of wishing it could be a normal relationship situation, and moving through the usual steps with him, but then remembering that, in spite of what I want, or that he may POSSIBLY want, we are stuck forever on less than step 1 because he is married. If I can never be with him WHY did I meet him this way by chance, why does he seem to reciprocate my feelings without disrespecting his marriage or his wife... I know that sounds ridiculous, strange and impossible, but I pray that there is someone out there who can understand how I feel .....that we have a “connection” and are close, but that he has never ever disrespected his wife and marriage with me in any way. Wow- what a fool I have become.... and I thought I was done with that in middle school, not almost middle age- if forties count as middle age??! Why is this SO hard, why am I being such a fool? I am so sad, so lonely and so disappointed in myself it is ridiculous, yet miss him SO much and want to make his life okay , and everthing so good and easy for him. I love him so much and would gladly never see or speak to him again if I knew that would guarantee him health, happiness and a wonderful life.

I feel like such a fool for missing him so much right now. Thanks so much for being on this forum friends- it helps so much- each and every one of you! I don't know what the right thing to do is... my heart tells me that true love conqeurs all, but my brain tells me that he is not mine to feel true love sad, so confusing, so heartbreaking......time to give up and move on I guess, but I am so hurts

jadelola 2 years ago

@notwhatiplanned - i feel your pain . I wish I had something to say to you to make you feel better but unfortunately i don't. Have you thought about maybe looking for a different job? I know easier said than done. I don't mind the talk but it bothered him when people were talking about it too much but now we are kind of close again.

@voyager-what you wrote in your last post sounds like me and my feelings. I totally understand you. I also wonder sometimes why we met and what would have happened if he wasn't married. I have never had such chemistry with anyone and nobody made me feel like a school girl or laugh so much. I think about him all the time. He also is respectful to his marriage but a friend of mine thinks that sometimes my crush is not that respectful as he does say and act in ways that i am sure he wouldn't around his wife. Also, since we don't work together my friend says that we don't have to hang out together but we still do.

Yesterday, I had a family crisis and got the phone call from my mom while i was with him and another friend. The friend said he is going home so he will drive me and i left my car for my crush-he comes with me to work. My crush told me to keep him updated. I didn't have time to update him as he didn't stop texting me until the crisis was resolved. He said when he will come bring me the car he will come help me but it was resolved before. My friend thinks that the texts were not appropriate since he is sure he wouldn't have done it around his wife. But i think that we are friends and he understood the situation and how worried i was and that there is nothing wrong with the messages. What do you think?

voyager 2 years ago

@jadelola A situation like you described with a family emergency could really go either way- how do you feel about it? He certainly could just be acting the way a concerned friend would, or it may be more... do you have a feeling either way about it? Either way, he obviously cares about you, and wants to help you. Hope everything is okay with your family crisis too.

missing him 2 years ago

@jadelola- although its not as appropriate for a married man to continue texting another girl until the issue was resolved, but it would very much depends on the nature of him. Is he the type who concern about everybody? If yes, then it will be less appropriate in your case. Although we knew that there is something way beyond friendship only.

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

Voyager - we're all here for you. You're not a fool. Simply put the heart wants what it wants, even if it happens to be a "forbidden fruit" if you will. It hurts, it sucks, and you think life isn't fair due to it, but there you have it.

jadelola - I have. A friend had been saying he could get me a job elsewhere. Here's the problem. I LIKE my job, and quite frankly at this point I'm smitten by this gal. Absolutely head over heels in love. Which of course is just further confusing the issue. I still love my wife. What to do about this. My home life is a wreck, and I am still trying to make things work. I had sent my wife some emails to break the ice and try and reestablish communication. I had assumed she hadn't read them till she started making passive aggressive comments regarding them. Maybe last night was just an exceptionally bad night but it came at the worst time. I found out that my fantasy of our spouses cheating sadly is reciprocated, as is my love...there has still been no infidelity. We've managed to hold off. I'm proud of us really. It's become such a confusion dynamic. Both of us trying to fix things at home while at the same time kinda hoping it doesn't work out for the other person. I feel like an absolute failure anymore as a father and a husband. I can't seem to do anything right at home and lord knows I'm desperately trying. Maybe it's just a sign. In the meantime the occasional hug and hand holding, and nice long talks will suffice. We started talking tonight about our childhoods (we're both a little... well damaged due to them). It was nice just being able to share that. The wife knows all this but for her my guilt, depression, and anger are just glossed over. I guess she figures I should be over it? She didn't grow up anywhere near like I did though and while I don't expect her to understand, I DO expect her to try to, or at least be supportive. That's all faded. We're both at the point where were holding out hope to fix our marriages while at the same time not hoping. I... don't get it. I do know though every moment I spend with her is amazing - regardless of her moods. She cries and to me the world cries with her.

happychrissy27 2 years ago

Conclusion to happychrissy27's post above:

I am at a loss with this whole situation. I feel as we chat, I try to bring up his family and he just answers it with a one sentence statement,..Why??? He never brings his family up on his own, why???

After reading a few posts above, it seems like most of the folks have spoken about their significant others/spouses and how unhappy they are. In my situation he NEVER does!

I am a 36 year old female who has never been married and would like to one day. I feel if HE talks about his wife and family that it would make me feel guilty that I am talking to him so intensely and often but i am not feeling guilty. At this point, we haven't done anything wrong..

I try to block it out and go out on dates and keep myself busy by going to the movies or going out but for some reason, his name keeps popping up, i ran into him at the mall, we run into each other in the parking lot at work and run into one another in the office suite or the stairway. Mind you this is a VERY LARGE office building complex with over a few thousand people and different businesses.

I am trying to stay away physically but these events keep happening? Why does this keep happening???? I don't know what to do anymore.. I wish he was single, b/c he would be all mine but HIS wife got him first. I keep telling myself that to not think about him.

I feel as long as I don't see him in person, I won't get attached. I do enjoy his emails which is about him getting to know me better and him vice versa. Again, he NEVER mentions his wife or kids at all unless I bring them up. Is that NORMAL?

Married men on this board, is that normal not to mention your own kids, I can understand not mentioning your wife if you are not getting along but why not his kids? What does that mean?? Is he trying to separate the 2? I don't know, please help!

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

hey looky there, I'm still awake. Oh well alcohol will solve that - anyways...

happychrissy27 - it is not normal, at least not to me. My wife and son are both in photos in my office. I mention them in casual conversation with everyone at my building, including my crush (if you still want to call it that). I share both the joy and the sorrow those two bring to my life. So I don't understand what your guy is doing, unless he is just trying to play you.

Your sentiment about wishing you got there first - I understand that. It does seem both my crush and I feel that way now - which in a way is hilarious. I started dating my now wife 18 years ago. My crush was a mere 6 years old then. Our total age difference is 10 years, which really isn't that bad but clearly there was no "being first" meant for us.

Maybe he is trying to compartmentalize things. I feel that blending the two (within reason) keeps things more honest and maybe saves us from having an outright affair. I'm trying really hard not to go that route. Maybe your guy feels if the two are separate that makes it ok somehow? I'm not sure.

happychrissy27 2 years ago


My crush is 35, 1 year younger than me. He doesn't have any pictures at his desk of his wife and kids which is very strange to me. Who does that? He only has items of his accomplishments for example a map of his route, when he biked out of state, his number from him running in a competition, but again no pictures. I don't understand what he is doing as well? I have spoken with lots of friends and married men and women who tell me that this guy likes you but maybe he is stuck in a bad relationship.Well, if that is the case, then he should do something about it.

OH, I forgot to mention that he is a Manager and I am not, just a co-worker but his company is a vendor that we work with and have been for years..So again, it is weird for me.

Maybe you are right, he is trying to separate the 2 to make it seem okay? He could mention his kids to his coworkers but he doesn't mention them to me, again unless i bring it up. When I see him, with other coworkers, he keeps it professional, but with me the conversations are as though we were friends for years and talk about everything and anything except for the obvious, we don't go there.

jadelola 2 years ago

@happychrissy27-non of my married friends have pictures of their significant other/kids at their desks.

My crush is killing me softly...:) We go to work together with my company car and he has insurance. Today I had to go to my company's other offices which is about 5 minutes away from where we work. I asked him on the way to work to drop me off at the other offices. He asked when I have to be there and i told him in another 2 hours but he can take me now. So he took me to his work to have coffee and got me a sandwich. I was shocked.

Later, when I came back he text me that we are going for lunch at this one place. I was bummed coz i don't like that restaurant. So he said that we are going there coz this other girl is coming (she doesn't come often and i know she loves that place). He asked where i wanted to go and i didn't have a place so i said we can go there and on the way we will look what there is so we know for next time. Anyways, when we met for lunch i was surprised that we were going to this other place. He said that when i won't be with them them then they can go to the restaurant they planned on going to. I wore new pants today and in the morning on the way to work after teasing me told me that they are nice. At lunch the girl said that she likes my pants. My crush said 'i also told her they are nice'. I don't know if he has feelings for me but i think he cares about me no?

happychrissy27 2 years ago


hmm. that is interesting that your married friends don't have pixs of kids and spouses. I just think it is strange in this day and age. Remember this is a regular office where you can put anything in and on your cube desks. This guy has other things on and in his cube that makes him happy. And he NEVER mentions his kids or family to ME. I have to bring it up and then he doesn't expand on it. It seems like he doesn't want to bring it up. He is more interested in getting me to know him and vice versa, as if he was a single, available man!!

I dont know at this point jadelola? Is this the only interaction you have had with him, in the car? That is very brief but he could be just being friendly? Do you talk about more things and has he asked you about your hobbies, interests and vice versa? Commenting about your pants looking nice is a thing alot of men in my area do, but i know they are not all interested but just being nice and friendly. hmmm i am not sure...

happychrissy27 2 years ago

HI All,

Too add to my post above:happychrissy27:

I just went onto the wife's facebook page and had seen all these photos with my crush (and his wife and children). Now, I feel bad for even talking to him and saying "Hi"!!

The wife's facebook has pixs from their wedding, pixs of his first and 2nd child and them vacationing together years ago and they look happy! Granted these photos are from at least 2 years ago all the way back to 2008 but they look happy.

Yes, i know people post happy pixs on facebook but I just don't get it? His kids look so cute and adorable, why wouldn't a man talk or gush about his kids or drop hints of him not being happy in a marriage?

WHY, WHY WHY, IS HE TALKING TO ME FOR????????????????????

Listen, i don't know if they are having a hard time now since these are older pictures but its just sad. I don't know what to believe anymore.

PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

missing him 2 years ago

@happychrissy27: just like what you did, i went through all his photos on facebook including his wedding photos and some family photos (with kids and all). i do not know what to advise in your case, but i would say that a married man trying to flirt with other girls are definitely not a good sign no matter how happy or unhappy his marriage is. If it's happy, he is just looking for some "fun" or "entertainment" outside. If it's unhappy, the idea of two timing his wife and you at the same time, brings much disadvantage to you and his wife and kids (you knew it as well, right?) Why would he do that in the first place?

@jadelola: I'm having the same question running thru my mind all the time as well "I don't know if he has feelings for me but i think he cares about me no?" Today we are back as friends, we chatted a lot today. The feeling is just like previously whereby before love entering our friendship. It was fine, i would say better than the week before as he pulled back and avoiding me. i guess things are best kept this way, at least for his family. his wife will be giving birth soon, he would be a happy daddy after that.

@all: Many many things had ran through my mind recently, with all the ups and downs. sometimes i wonder if i continue to treat him good, will he ever noticed how much i loved him, and be appreciative of what i've done / offer to do for him? will he keep the memories in his heart? even in a tiny corner of his heart? or is he just as cold blooded? I've tried to be the "woman behind this man" by helping him out whenever he needed a help. there was a weekend whereby he was too busy with his job, he could barely take a proper meal, and he told me on Sunday night that he hasn't been eating for the past 2 days. and the next morning, i went to work earlier to get him some breakfast and place them on his desk. there was several times whereby he told me he's a lil bit tired, i tried to help him to relax and get some rest while i give him some shoulder massage. and there are some other small gestures that i did for him (too much to be mentioned here, just quoting two examples). if i could, i wouldn't mind to get him breakfast and give him massage everyday, but i know he will definitely not accept it, so i just abandoned the thought. recently I've offered to go over to help him in his freelance job to ease his burden, but he rejected it as well. i remember during our conversation, he asked me whether i did offer the same help to another friend of ours who isalso doing the same kind of freelance job. why must he asked that? doesn't he know that it's only for him and not for others? or will he feel better if i tell him yes, i offered the same help to the other friend as well, to make him less pressured?

I have a question to @notwhatihadplanned here. if your crush did or offered to do some favour for you, would you actually feel pressured? for example, the thoughts of this isn't right or this will waste her time or her action annoyed me or she is creating troubles to my life etc, will these thoughts appear? questions after questions running through my mind right now.

I told my best friend (a girl) about this, as i couldn't keep it to myself any more. i find myself always telling her something along the line, "he doesn't have feelings for me, not even a little. I'm just being thicken-face to initiate all the spending time together moments with him. it's all my fault, he is just being nice and doesn't want to hurt me by directly rejecting me" and i always find my best friend telling me that "no, maybe he do have feelings for you, just that he cant have a proper relationship with you, so he chosen not to show his feelings." These words are comforting, but i ended up trying to find out is this the case? deep in my heart, i do hope that what my friend said is true, but my mind trying to stay rational. i lectured myself especially when i was driving, i asked myself to stay calm and smile. nothing can take me down, nobody can hurt me except for myself. but I'm not too sure if it works, but i guess it doesn't really, because if it does, i will not be having so much turmoil within.

Torn 2 years ago

Hi everyone this is a wonderful forum where we can all post and help each other without judgement and scolding, we know its wrong how we feel we dont need to be told that.

Same old story I too was disgusted at the very thought of anyone even contemplating extra marrital feelings but here I am drowning in love for a married man. Im in a long term relationship and engaged to a good man, we have a son together but I have never took the step to marry my partner as I knew in my heart he wasnt for me but I stayed with him because it never felt a bad enough relationship to justify hurting everyone by splitting up our family.

I met a man whos daughter attends my sons school, we hit it off immediately, there were periods of time where we wouldn't see each other for a while but as soon as we ended up near each other there was an amazing connection. I never felt like anyone immediately grabbed me like this before but it wasnt just physical attraction it was much deeper than that, like meeting your childhood sweetheart years later who you were always meant to be with. I knew there could never be anything between us as I was involved and on the day I met him I also met his lovely wife who incidentally I recently went out drinking with. She got drunk and was less than flattering about her husband and even ended the night flirting with a man by letting him manhandle her. It was hard to watch as I knew what her husband meant to me yet I had to watch this and not speak a word.

Long story short I made any excuse I could to be with him, terrible I know but I would arrange for our kids to meet up just so I could be near him. Ive never felt this comfortable with anyone in my life. Having private feelings for this man was my guilty secret, i thought that although i couldnt eat sleep or function properly because of my feelings for him it wasnt dangerous because nobody but me knew and it was one sided.

Last week it all changed, he confessed that he had strong feelings for me, he thought I was beautiful amazing, thinks about me all the time and he loved being with me but he completely understood that he was out of order saying it but he was afraid wed drift apart if he didnt. Rightly or wrongly I confessed I felt the same and I have never NEVER felt so happy in my life. We agreed we would remain friends but would see how things go. We have not took it any further physically except for a hug and holding hands a couple of times although its hard to hold back. He says he cant imagine being with his wife the rest of his life and has spoken about us being together but I told him tonight he has to make a proper go at making his marriage work first otherwise hell regret it for the rest of his life as he got married quite recently although he says it was because he thought he should because theyd been together years and they had the kids. To tell him that tore me to pieces as I have now fallen in love with him. But I could not destroy his family like that because hed lose his kids and I could never wish that pain on him. I have decided to leave my fiance but ive decided although I will probably have to let the love of my life go and work on his marriage, I cannot stay with my fiance knowing I dont love him but another man. The pain is unbearable.

happychrissy27 2 years ago

To "missing him":

First off, him and I are NOT too timing anyone. Nothing has ever happened and will not happen. I won't let it. I am trying to have this make sense to me b/c it doesn't and I thought by going on his board, I would be able to gain some advice by someone being in this situation or experience. Please do not judge me or anyone on this board. We can't help what we feel, some people including myself would like to know the thought process of some folks out here behaving this way. That's all.


Cuauhtlatoactzin 2 years ago

Hi ConfusedGuy, let me share my story because like you, I also woke up today morning at 5.00am from a dream where I kissed a a woman who is not my wife.

I have a very good and stable relationship with my wife and 3 little kids that are awesome, we have been married for 9 years and managed to overcome the challenges that marriage brings, including a difficult time 2 years ago when the family income was very uncertain.

4 years ago, a very young woman I met in a company I used to work with 'caught my eye'. I have struggled to put her image aside ever since, but our paths have crossed now and then and the connection and chemistry has been overwhelming. She is 15 years younger than me, and I notice she has a VERY different lifestyle to mine, not only now but also when I was at her same age. In spite of that, I feel we share many things in common that I do not share with my wife, specially at an intellectual level.

It has been difficult to deal with this crush (which I feel is mutual) and I have limited my exchanges with this person to just a few conversations over these 4 years, and most of the times we see each other I just ignore her.

But the enduring 'forbidden dream' for all this time makes me wonder if there's something in the future destined for us. I would never betray my wife or hurt her, I know an affair would destroy my marriage and probably my job.... but I have a hidden hope this relationship will become a reality in the distant future...

But well, in the end I know this is nonsense and I am grateful to God for the wonderful wife and family he's given me.

I am happy to have found this webpage and understand that other persons share similar struggles and feelings.

Torn 2 years ago

@confusedguy it sounds like she likes you and has tried to put that across subtly because its difficult for her to express her feelings directly however it could be also that its just how she is with some people she feels at ease with. How is she with other people? Are there any other signs like looks? The things shes said to you are not things id have thought shed say if she wasnt feeling something towards you. Id be careful of revealing everything immediately but maybe when you are alone at lunch it might be worthwhile upping the hints by telling her you think shes really nice or something along those lines and gauge her response. In order to know how she feels you need to get to the stage where you can discuss your current relationships and situations frankly. Good luck, I know its hard when you have feelings for someone but have no idea if they feel the same, its very confusing and heart wrenching at times.

happychrissy27 2 years ago

To confusedguy, Cuauhtlatoactzin ,and any males who have a perspective:

I really would appreciate if you take a look at my postings. I really need advice or just what you think from a males perspective what my crush's reason or behavior is towards me? If you have the team please read my posts above, the 1st post is (46) hours and the 2nd one is (23) hours ago.

Cliff notes version: my crush is the 35 married with 2 young ones(5 and 4) with a wife, I am 36 female, never married, no kids.

We are co-workers, he is a manager and i am not for a different company but we work on the same floor. Our friendship started out with him and emailing me emailing each other daily, everyday. (one day we had exchanged 56 emails to each other-that was the most) he NEVER talks about his wife or kids to me, i have to bring them up in conversations. I found out today from the horses mouth that his reason for talking about his kids or having pixs is b/c he is not that type of guy that wants to shove his kids down people throats. He volunteers his hobbies, what he likes to do for fun(never mentioning his family), his travels, and asks me things i like to do. He even has gone to ask what i am doing for the weekend, plans ect..

Yesterday was turkey day and i asked him what he was doing with the family? he told me he was going to his aunt and uncles house on this island and i told i had a good friend's, friend who lives on that island. He wanted to know the name of the person, i told him and he wanted to know the last name, which i couldn't remember since it had to be almost 10 years since i spoken with the friend. Well today at work, i see an email from him dated YESTERDAY, THANKSGIVING at 6pm, from his work email saying is "smith" the friends last name? Really? Why is he so concerned about what this friend of mine that i haven't spoken to on thanksgiving where he should be focused on his family and not worry about our little conversation ya know? Know that is odd for me. That was today's story but if you read my post above there are alot of conversations that i have with him daily with him. Even wed night a bunch of us went to a bar afterwork for happy hour and he came and brought 2 friends with him, well i was with another group laughing and having fun, and he sat where i was in his line of sight and to make a long story short. We didn't chat that night and he emailed me saying how the reason he didn't come over to speak was b/c i seemed so busy with the others guy that i was talking too. Really again 2nd time of jealously... What is the guys deal?

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

@voyager - Freely available? As in I'm not attached at the moment to either? I don't know if I understand the question. If my crush were single I'd be where I'm at now. (Stuck in the middle still). However if I were single, at this point the fact my crush is married might not be enough to persuade me to not pursue her. Maybe that makes me a homewrecker. Maybe it makes me a bad guy, but it is what it is.

We get really close to crossing that physical line. But we don't. I know people believe in such a thing as emotional affairs. If that is something you believe in then we are already classified as that. Never mind the racy conversations we have. Despite these though - we actively try and help each other out as far as our own marriages go. It's a weird dynamic. But it is what it is. We talk about our possible futures and how no mater what we do want to be in each others lives, even if it just means friends. I don't know where this is headed, and neither does she. We've been having a lot of serious discussions regarding us lately and even though we keep saying we need to take things one day at a time, neither one of us can stop from over analyzing things. Hooray for being so much alike!

happychrissy27 - Well I have photos of my wife and son on my fb - not a lot mind you, but then I don't have a lot of photos period. I do have them at my desk, and I do love my wife, but am not happy. Sometimes love just isn't enough, and I don't know of this is just because it's this time of year, but a lot of our issues have been brewing for years. We haven't been intimate in over 3 years at this point, a lot of things have lead to this occurrence, and to be honest until the crush came about I thought I was fine with never having sex again (the wife isn't, that's all she talks about it seems and it just irks me). Regardless though, I do still have them, and I DO find it odd he doesn't - but then I have co-workers who don't have any photos of their significant others on their cubicles or offices, so maybe that isn't as rare as I thought it was.

@missinghim - we do favors for each other all the time, take turns buying lunch etc. We have one car at home right now, and generally I will get a ride home from the crush once a week, and from another coworker once a week as well. I do what I can not to burden her, because I feel like her home life is a burden enough. Just this week, she was really sick and wanted to go home early but wouldn't because she was worried I'd have no way home. I told her to leave and it actually caused our first mini argument because she didn't want to hear it and was worried I'd just walk the 7 miles home. However anytime she does something for me I never associate it with negative thoughts, and I don't think she does either. I went and got her some hot chocolate and medicine on Tuesday - and I swear the look she gave me for such a simple gesture made me think it melted her heart. Her husband then promised her a bath and all of her usual sick comforts when she got home, and promptly did none of them - then called off work the next day. (Suffice to say she was furious). I know there are ongoing health issues with him, but to me it just reeked of selfishness. So no - we routinely do things for each other, even if they are small gestures, and it makes both of us feel good to do them. Again though we've decided even if our mutual affection for each other is never consummated, we want to be in each others lives.

Also -in reply to your part about your best friend. I so want to divulge this to my best friend. My son is named after him, and I've literally known the guy for over 25 years. He recently went through a very similar situation (mutual crush which eventually led to an affair, a divorce, and he is now married to the crush. He's also the happiest I've seen him in years). His first marriage was a mistake born out of trying to deal with his grief over a loss. It was kinda a whirlwind romance - and then he spent the better part of 7 years doing everything he could to keep this woman happy. She isn't a terrible person, however they were never a good fit and since he had made that promise was resigned to slowly die on the inside instead of divorcing. After the initial affair he even went to counseling to fix things - and they did try to reconcile. It wasn't in the cards though.

I feel he has a unique perspective on this situation - but I also feel since he feels close to my wife he would wind up telling her all this. I'm not ready for that - because I know she will throw up an ultimatum without wanting to even work on our marriage, outside of having sex (because in her mind she seems to think that's all that is wrong).

Oh well, live to fight another day I suppose.

I see we have a lot of new people on the boards! - I will try and get to all of you tomorrow.

happychrissy27 2 years ago

Thank you Confusedguy! It is really hard to get into the mind of a man. lol

BTW- my crush had sent me an email at work at midnight, the night he flew back from vacation with his family, just replying "thank you for the email." (again who does that, check their email when they land and reply back to a worker who sent an email to a distribution list that he was on. no one does that) At that time, I didn't know he was married or had a family, this was a month ago.

I don't know if it is physical with him. He has never hinted or said anything to me about being with me physically at all in that way! He is just being playful, just flirtations with his words and actions.

I am not and will not purse him. I do enjoy our conversations and I will try to keep it friendly and not go past that.

Thank you again for your feedback!!!

Anyone else please feel free to chime in! :)

happychrissy27 2 years ago

@ notwhatiplanned:

My crush finally brought up his son b/c he was saying how tired he was b/c he son kept coming in his room(not his and his wifes bedroom) b/c he couldn't sleep. I had asked my crush i was wondering why he doesn't talk about his kids to me? He replied:

"I don't like to talk about my kids unless people ask. I don't want to be one of those people who shoves pictures of my kids down people's throats and all that. They certainly are exhausting though. They are individual lives who count on you for everything. Food/clothing/shelter/entertainment/education/etc. It can be very taxing."

This seems kind of negative unless i went too far by asking him how i was wondering when he would talk about his kids?? What do you think of his statement?

missing him 2 years ago

@happychrissy27: apologized as I do not mean to judge you or anyone on the board , as me myself are in the similar situation as well.

@all: is there a possibility after the confess, both you and your crush return to the "being friends" stage? I had some nightmare last night which keep me thinking whether this is what running in his mind? Basically, in the dream, he told me to spare him some freedom as he has insufficient time for himself to settle his own stuff just because of spending those times with me. It was hurtful, but this leave me another question, am I wasting his time?

missing him 2 years ago

@confused guy: I think I will ask him back, "so what do you plan to do about it?"

Torn 2 years ago

@confusedguy I think its time you said something she seems to be giving you signals, just take it slowly because you dont want to overwhelm her. Good luck!

happychrissy27 2 years ago


I think I would ask, why are you telling me this for and ask what do you think you are going to do about it?

happychrissy27 2 years ago

consfused guy:

I don't know.. I feel that is putting everything on the line. If the feelings are mutual, then you may go down the line that noone wants to go down, right? And if it doesn't go your way, like you said, you don't wan to ruin your friendship with the woman. It's hard b/c IF, that happened to me, i would feel like why are you telling me this now? You are technically still married unless you are separating, what would this accomplish, i guess? I don't know??? My opinion but I have posts on this board too, so I am at a loss as well! lol

BTW- I added 2 more post 20hours if you look above, would love for you to comment. Thanks!

happychrissy27 2 years ago


your viewpoints, can you explain alittle more when you say for me to think deep? Sorry, too much turkey doesn't allow my brain to function as well. lol

I understand what you mean when you say it is hard to not see her. I try literally not to see my crush, but for some reason, I keep running into him, whether it is the parking lot, at the mall, in the hallway, stairway, etc. And i keep seeing and hearing his name. How do we get past this?

jadelola 2 years ago

@ConfusedGuy -i have very very strong feelings for a married guy-he knows about my feelings and we are still friends but since his wife started suspecting and his friends talking he has taken a few steps back.

My views regarding your questions:

a) I don't think that not seeing someone you like will make you feel good or happy initially but after a few months i think you will feel more at ease with yourself.

b) I know this married woman who is having affairs -probably onto her third one as we speak ;) -she says it's exciting and she enjoys it. From personal experience if you have a conscience don't do will eat you up for many years and it's something you have to live with...

c) Yea, me! :( And i regret every minute. Like Dr Phil says-'The chance of a successful relationship born of infidelity is not even one in 100. A marriage that starts in infidelity has no foundation.' So true!!

I should learn from my own advice!!!

missing him 2 years ago

@confused guy here's my take:

a) if I really quit seeing him, I don't think I will be anywhere near good. Probably temporary effects which may be eliminated once found a new guy or something. But I'm sure for now, no no.

b) never really went to physical route except for hugged him once and massage for him - without sexual related activities (he's really a gentleman in this). I once had a thinking - to have his kid, so that my kid is bearing his gene. At least, this is the type of gene that I want my baby to have. Oh well, dreams are always off limits. Back to reality. So ya, will make sure I don't go to physical route (in reality)

C) me - broke up with my bf as I couldn't accept the fact that having my bf but thinking about another guy all the time.

voyager 2 years ago

@ConfusedGuy About your question from a couple of days ago, I will try to answer by imagining myself in that situation with my married crush.... I would be happy, but honestly more conflicted and confused than anything. If he meant it in a way that he was interested and may be available in the future to perhaps be with me, then I would be over the moon happy! But if it was just a casual flirting comment or something and I knew that we would never engage in an affair, it would hurt so much to hear it and know that nothing could come of it. Not sure if that makes any sense. Just my two cents worth, and keep in mind that I am a hurting woman right now, feeling that I have met someone I truly love, but can't be with. Almost worse that I feel like he has feelings for me without disrespecting his wife, so that is why I say it would be hard, and I would be torn. In some ways it would be easier to get over him if he came right out and said that he would never be interested in me. Much easier to let go and move on then. So hearing something like that from a married guy that you like is good if it can mean a chance at a normal relationship together in the future, but just adds to the torment if you can never be together. As I said, I am hurting and not thinking straight so take that with a grain of salt if you will.

voyager 2 years ago

@ConfusedGuy ...

I don't know who made the rules, but they are hard to follow sometimes. :( Darn it all!

To reverse your question- if you are a possibly not happily married guy, who may perhaps be slightly interested in a girl besides your wife... how would you feel if she expressed interest in YOU, but not interest in an affair? So many variables I know... but would you be confused, offended...etc?

voyager 2 years ago

I think that we are all confused and hurting if we are on here... I personally feel like this page is a sanity saver!!!!!! Thank you ALL so much for your makes me feel less alone for one..and I appreciate it.... it is so helpful to be able to post our feelings and heartache here without judgment. I'm sure that no one here MEANT to have feelings for someone that was either not their spouse, or someone that is married to someone else, but life happens and feelings happen. It is helpful to have a sounding board for what is the right course of action or not, and how things are going for other people. We are all in different situations, but the same in the end- we have feelings, incredibly strong feelings for someone that is not immediately available either due to our situation or theirs or both. Situations do not control feelings however, and I feel very strongly that my crush and I are meant to be together.. please forgive the shameless cliche... ;) but I will never do anything to violate his marriage. So for everyone here, I wish you strength and courage and I do feel your pain. Maybe together we can make it through... with or (sad to say ...without)... our crushes. Strength to you all. :) Please let me know that it will be okay either way... I miss him so much right now!

voyager 2 years ago

@ConfusedGuy ... ;) haha ... you read my mind...! I was planning on saying something soon... maybe tomorrow?!?! He has been dropping big hints about he and his wife separating, and I KNOW that is the oldest line in the book so to speak... but if it DOES really happen when they are both so unhappy, then I would welcome the opportunity to try and bring him some happiness if at all possible...and me too, but I do wish happiness for him first, even if it means not being with me.

How is it going with your crush? Have you met recently in random places again? Nice but difficult at the same time! Sending you happy thoughts! :)

jadelola 2 years ago

@ConfusedGuy -my crush knows about my feelings. I guess i am ok with it. I never actually came out and told him but he felt it and i didn't deny it. Even after he knew we were very close-we worked together but now i work at a different company but near him. He only took a few steps back after people that also know his wife started talking. He was distant for a couple of months. Now we are again good friends..we get along great and we have great chemistry that is noticeable....However, he is treading with caution coz his wife figured out my feelings after seeing me and after she realised we sometimes sent messages in the evenings...innocent ones but still...She told him that she doesn't like it. If your wife doesn't like some girl would you still go with her to work and go eat lunch alone with her? We usually eat lunch in a group but today he didn't feel like going to the place the others wanted so he told me to go with him to another place. Another question mainly for the guys here- when we worked together and we were alone at the office he twice put on a short porno movie-nothing happened but i am curious as to why he would do something like that? He knows it doesn't bother me but still...why?

missing him 2 years ago

@jadelola: agreed with confused guy, if its pure porno then it's kinda abnormal, first, it's in a office building and second why would he show you that?

@voyager: I miss him so much too, i can totally understand your feelings. How do you plan to tell him about your feelings for him?

@all: my crush and me, we are back to close friends stage. Have been feeling ups and downs based on his treatment. Not a good sign, obviously I need to improve on managing my EQ. To all guys here, if your admirer (bear in mind, you knew she has a crush on you) offer to do some good to you (example offer some help when you're super busy and hectic without asking for payment), will you keep questioning her intentions? As in will you ask her "why would you help me?"

To me, it seems pretty obvious, because you're an important person in my life! But I could not tell him this, so I ended up making some lame excuses such as I'm kinda interested in whatever you are doing, I would like to learn something out of it. My second question for the guys here, when you're asking "why's" are you expecting her to say "it's because of you" or some lame excuses like I mentioned above?

missing him 2 years ago

@voyager: I can totally relate to this:

and this ridiculous all-consuming desire just to be with him, talk to him and even just tell him how I feel about him.... just so he knows.... aaaghhh it is enough to drive you crazy! I would be so happy if he just knew how much I care about him, and want to comfort him when he is sad, and share in his joy when he is happy...even if we can never be together I wish he KNEW, is that strange and wrong?

After I told him about my feelings for him, his response was like "this is not going anywhere, just wasting your time". Sigh....

From this kind of response, I've already gauge his decision. There is no point to know whether the feelings are mutual. Somehow I always fall into the struggle to find out whether the feelings are mutual. Oh well, in a dilemma of my own.. Hope everyone is doing well :)

voyager 2 years ago

@missing him Wow- your situation and comments really speak to me....I am afraid that is exactly what the response would be from my crush... after all, talking, being friends, joking around is sometimes part of a romantic interest, but not always, and I am terrified that I would get the same response.... completely possible, and even likely considering the fact that he is still married at this point with kids at home still... (18 years old for the youngest, but still at home, and that is a game-changer for sure, and I respect that) How do you tell without making the huge crush confession whether or not they see you just as a good friend.... that would take a wiser person than me to answer... hehe unless of course I tell him and find out the hard way. ;) And missing him, of course we always want to know if the feelings are mutual, we are human after all. :) I hope you can resolve your dilemma.... what is you plan for the immediate future with him? Contact? no contact? And if you choose no do you stay strong to do it? I find it hard. (You said that you stopped seeing your bf because you did not feel as much towards him... I think that is the best move in the end for everyone.. I recently did that too...) it is not good for you to be in a situation where you cannot give his love and feelings back, and not good for him to be with someone who is not sure how they feel about him etc... I know it is hard, but better days ahead for everyone!!!

yvrgal2003 2 years ago

Glad I stumbled on this page.

happychrissy27 2 years ago

Continuation to my post 4 days ago:

So, I think my crush is not going to speak to me again?

He finally mentioned his son for the first time without me bringing him up. I said to my crush, that i had been wondering when he would bring up his kids. He told me the reason he doesn't is b/c he is not the type of person to shove pictures of his kids down peoples throats..SO I replied back to him that, "i just thought and never mind" and this was on Friday. He replies back to me saying that i can't"nevermind him and he wanted to know what i was thinking?

Monday, I replied with an "lol" its nothing, just for fun. I didnt know he was serious. Well, he never replied on monday, (which is very unusal for him)

So i emailed him today,"are you busy and how did you know about my friend's friend last name"? he replied back to me immediately, saying "yes,(which he rarely does) meaning he is busy and asked me again, "what was it that you thought about me not mentioning my kids?" He also told me that he knew about my friends friends last name by asking his aunt during thanksgiving.

So he had me cornered so i had to reply with something, so i had written,"Maybe I shouldn’t have said that.. I’m sorry. I didn’t know what to think, that’s all..nothing bad or anything. But you explained it, no biggie. You are not upset, are you?" I also asked him what his aunts last name was to see if my friend knew of his aunt.

Well this was this morning and he still has NOT emailed me back. I think the guy is mad at me, b/c he always emails me back and now he hasn't! I am thinking I offended him and he may think that I was going to say that he was almost like a deadbeat dad or something which is my worst fear! I feel really bad b/c i never wanted to hurt him and I think i did!!PLEASE HELP!!!

missing him 2 years ago

@voyager: we are still in talking term - so, it's still counted as "contact". Recently he often tease me no matter what I said or did especially with our group of friends. It's very obvious that he only tease me and nobody else. Sometimes I find it's fun to have small arguments with him in playful manner. Well, I hope this friendship will last. I'm finding myself fall for him deeper each day.

missing him 2 years ago

@confused guy: need your opinion regarding my previous questions:

To all guys here, if your admirer (bear in mind, you knew she has a crush on you) offer to do some good to you (example offer some help when you're super busy and hectic without asking for payment), will you keep questioning her intentions? As in will you ask her "why would you help me?"

To me, it seems pretty obvious, because you're an important person in my life! But I could not tell him this, so I ended up making some lame excuses such as I'm kinda interested in whatever you are doing, I would like to learn something out of it. My second question for the guys here, when you're asking "why's" are you expecting her to say "it's because of you" or some lame excuses like I mentioned above?

happychrissy27 2 years ago

Confused guy:

Can you take a look at my post and comment please?

11 hours ago.


voyager 2 years ago

@ConfusedGuy .... that is a bad week. I am very sorry to hear that.... these few days must be very hard for you. Being in a different department may not be so bad, but why do you say you think you were mean to her? You said something and she took it the wrong way? I hope things get better for you.

@missinghim I know exactly what you mean! Best wishes to you.

@HappyChrissy27 The only thing that I can think of is- maybe he is wondering why you are so curious about his kids? Lots of people have pictures and tell stories about their kids, but other people are more private like that, even with people they are close to. I would just say take it slow, give him a bit of room to go back and talk to you. Maybe it will be easier if you look at the big picture. He may just not know how to react. Good luck.

@ everyone I guess that there is no tactful polite way to find out the situation in your crushes marriage without being inappropriate and coming right out and asking if they are separating etc when they mention problems. I feel a bit guilty pursuing a friendship with my crush when I know how strong my feelings are for him, and he likes spending time with me too. Is there a graceful way to suggest spending time together ...(perhaps mentioning..if that is okay with your wife...not sure what exactly your situation is, and do not want to be inappropriate...) Is there any way? I would really hate to let this chance slip away if there is a chance for us to legitimately be together one day, but I do not want to butt in where I do not belong...

happychrissy27 2 years ago


Can you explain what you meant when you said the big picture? I am not good at detecting code. Thanks!

voyager 2 years ago

@happychrissy27 I just meant maybe try to look at your overall situation, and not worry about all of the little things that he may not realize are even an issue, if that makes sense. I don't explain myself well sometimes.

missing him 2 years ago

@confused guy: talking about being mean to her, my crush actually did the same to me. The way he teases me when we are with our group of friends sometimes is quite mean. I try not to take it personally and playfully tease him back instead of being angry. But there's a time where I could not take it and I close our group chatroom. That evoke some suspicious amongst our group of friends, but I couldn't help it. And I told him that I do not like the way he treated me, he told me what have I gone wrong, and I accepted his arguments. And I raise my concern (his treatment) and he apologized. Then we are good again.

@voyager: I don't think there is any polite way when it comes to his family / wife. He will take it as jia "boundary" which we should not step on. That is how I see it. There was one time I tried to mention like what u quoted above, he ask me not to involve his wife in our talks. I'm not sure, but it seems like whole sensitive issue here. And no wife will be okay if her hubby were to have friendship with a woman out there. This is how I see it. Even a pure friendship will create jealousy.

happychrissy27 2 years ago


I hope you are right. I was trying to spare his feelings by not telling him the truth of what i had thought b/c i knew that would hurt him. Looks like i hurt him anyway b/c he knew i had thought something about him not mentioning his children to me. I hope he can look past it and we can move forward. I don't want to lose him, I really don't!!!! :(

happychrissy27 2 years ago

Confused guy:

Can you take a look at my post and comment please?

26 hours ago.


voyager 2 years ago

@ConfusedGuy Sending strength and support to you.... it is hard when we are hurting.... hopefully we all make it through! How can I help you?

@happychrissy27 Hopefully you can all move on and focus on the big issues.. best wishes! Can we help?

@missing him ...I understand completely what you are saying... and yes, even when my ex-husband had female friends it always sparked a bit of a problem.... I was just wondering how to initiate a conversation that might lead to him revealing that his wife would be okay because they were separating or something. He has implied enough times that they are unhappy, but yes I know that people just say that sometimes.... is there anyway to know if they really are separated or separating, and it is okay to pursue meetings and time with him if they are? I guess I am really wondering how to suggest that I would be interested IF he was available without being inappropriate? Wow, I am really bad at this... it is so clear in my head what I want to say! ;)

voyager 2 years ago

@ConfusedGuy From your story it doesn't sound like you were the only one with feelings in the situation... I don't know what to say exactly, but don't give up.... there were enough things in your story for it to be completely mutual.... and you are not the first one on here, myself included to have doubts and think that it was all in our minds.... either way we are here for you, to help and support you. It will be okay! I know it is hard and heartbreaking sometimes but we will all make it through together. Be strong! :)

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

confused guy - it's not one sided. I don't know if that will make it better or worse for you though.

Mine is not one sided - this week after coming mere inches away from becoming a full blown affair (I'll spare the details, only suffice to say I'm 100% certain the only reason it didn't happen was how I reacted to a certain...bite), she wants to pull back... or she says she does. I don't get it. I think she's like me... torn in two places and trying to make the right move going forward..but is there a right move? We were hugging earlier, and then she looked into my eyes...I'm not an idiot, I know what I saw... and I know if I had kissed her then and there it would have been on...She says she's redoubling her efforts with her husband, and I will respect that. But God's honest truth I don't want to anymore. That being said I really am trying to open up to my wife, I think though it's just coming off as me being an angry asshole. The upshot is we're fighting again. I know that sounds stupid but when you spend days, months, years just sitting on opposite couches not saying much of anything it's a start....

I dunno. I think I overshared earlier with a mutual friend. She isn't the type to talk but I worry. I didn't go into details but she could connect the dots easily enough. She also said she didn't think less of me for it, or my crush... and that sometimes people just find each other and that's how it is. I don't know. This is the worst time of the year for me and doubly so now so just trying to hold on and see where my feelings are come Feb.

jadelola 2 years ago

@missing him- i totally relate to your posts. I doubt my crush will ever tell me if he feels the same coz he will never disrespect his marriage...although if i were his wife i wouldn't be too happy that he is still friends with me. I know that he likes me as a friend and also told me that if he didn't like me he wouldn't hang out with me. Sometimes he pays me compliments which is shocking considering the fact that he will tease me about everything...he also told me that he doesn't tease anyone else like me...and it's true from what i have seen. There is a girl that he really dislikes and sometimes he is mean to her but he told me that it's different with me and not to compare us...i know he teases me but in a friendly way unlike her.

@notwhatiplanned - your situation from your posts sounds tough. Can you honestly continue this way in your marriage? Do you think that if you didn't have contact with your crush things in your marriage would look different? I do believe that if you have an affair and leave your wife for her that things won't be all that great with your crush coz of the situation your relationship started. Not nice to say...but if my crush and his wife will divorce...and they won't...i don't want it to be coz of me as I do think we could be great together...chemistry and friendship like i have never experienced before...and i would like a relationship with him should he get divorced...(yea in my fantasies).

I know I should also stay away from my crush but yep it's hard so i understand you. Love is tough sometimes and it shouldn't be!!

missing him 2 years ago

@jadelola: great to hear from you again :) I can totally relate when you mentioned about "Sometimes he pays me compliments which is shocking considering the fact that he will tease me about everything...he also told me that he doesn't tease anyone else like me...and it's true from what i have seen." It is so similar to my situation now. He tease me like he would do that to nobody else. There's this girl from our group of friend told me she can feel the way and frequency he teases me shows how much attention he pays me. sometimes, i just couldn't catch what is running through his mind - playful tease at one time and pull back at another. This "game" he's trying to play somehow drives me crazy!

@confused guy: maybe you can start of with asking yourself why do the words (like what you've mentioned above - sounds like a jerk) being said to her in the first place? From your first post in this forum, it seems like both of you are generally in a good friendship. Are you trying to reduce the mutual feelings altogether (in a sense that, you said some mean words, then she being upset and the communication will become lesser and lesser each day)? Or any other reason?

@notwhatiplanned: somehow I could relate to your case as well. I totally could understand the feeling of torn and how it hurts. I always believe, in order to start a new relationship, the current relationship must be ended first, else, everything will only end up in a mess and none of the current and new relationship will be successful. It's hard to hold on the believe when it comes to the situation like this. Perhaps, what Jadelola mentioned is really useful, i like to think this way too "Do you think that if you didn't have contact with your crush things in your marriage would look different?" Is the current relationship turns rocky because of a new entrant? I do belive problems doesn't appear in a day or in within a short period of time. It's build up over months or years. Will the "new entrant" be a trigger point of the thought of separating? For my case, it is. I fall for him for quite some time - over a year or two, but i told him just recently - few months ago. And when i realised i love him more each day, I finally decided to break up with my current bf. My friend once asked me, is my breakup because of him? In fact, my crush asked me the same question as well! I told them it's because of the problem between us (my bf and me), not due to any third party. BUT the existence of my crush do make me realized something.

1. If I really love my bf, i will not fall for another guy so deeply that could replace him in my heart

2. The whole crush thingy lead me to reconsider: is my current relationship is something that I want?

So it's sort of a trigger point. My crush do not want me to break up because of him either. I'm not sure, but I somehow feel that he doesn't want me to break up at this point of life. Due to feeling guilty towards me? I don't know...

I hope you can help me to analyse some points from a men's point of view. We used to tell each other everything without boundaries (well at least from my side) and i asked him everything that i have doubts in my mind. why does a guy:

1. playfully teases the girl you know who has crush for you all the time

2. one of the past week you "seemingly" trying to pull back with cold responses

3. doesn't reject when she offers you a hug or a shoulder massage for example, but won't initiate or ask for it.

sometimes, i do not know what to react / do when we are alone together, i just ended up sitting quietly beside him listening some songs or something. and he felt bored and left after that. and i did not stop him or ask him to stay longer, i just let him go. i wish to hug him so badly during that moment but i did not. reason being, for one, i'm not sure what is in his mind, will he thinks i'm too clingy and reject me and avoid me after that? second, deep in my heart i wish that he would hug me and say words like "thanks for being by my side". oh well.... i'm just dreaming it seems.....

missing him 2 years ago

@voyager: to your question:

1. it is okay to pursue meetings and time with him if they are?

Ethically, not okay as this will only lead to more unresolved problems. But to me, it's okay as long as its mutually agreed. haha... I just couldn't resist, maybe just go for some meal in a restaurant or some public places (just to mitigate the inappropriateness of the meetings)

2. I guess I am really wondering how to suggest that I would be interested IF he was available without being inappropriate? Wow, I am really bad at this... it is so clear in my head what I want to say! ;)

In my experience, i just ask him out directly and straight to the point (case by case basis - i have never make it clear for him that i will be interested as long as he is available for me, althou this is what i am doing in substance). what i would just say liek for example, "let's go for a meal / break / etc". my crush is the type who prefer straight to the point, so ya, i prefer that too... it's just simple and clear. But the drawback is, i will be the one who initiating the time spent together usually.

as for 3. is there anyway to know if they really are separated or separating

i have no idea as my crush doesn't like it either when i bring out his family or partner during our conversation.

Question for you: is it really that important to know whether his wife will be okay - because they have separated / are separating? Even if they had or still in the process of separating, if the wife still love her husband, she will never be okay. In my opinion, she might be even blame on you for their marriage failure if she finds out, so, what makes you think it will be okay? :)

voyager 2 years ago

@missing him Thanks so much for your reply. I guess what I meant by his wife being "okay" with any possible future between her husband/my crush and I relates to my own previous marriage. I told my husband three years before I left that I was sorry, I couldn't love him the way I should and that we should separate, but we stayed "together" for 3 more years because of the kids, and because I wanted him to find somebody else before I left him all alone. I guess that it is wishful thinking, but I was kind of hoping that might be the situation with my crush and his wife.... they live "together" in the same house with the teenaged kids, but that is all- they don't share a bedroom or social life or anything anymore. Maybe I am just kidding myself that it could all work out well and he and I could end up together and no one gets hurt or upset...

@notwhatiplanned Your situation is definitely an emotional hell... you and your crush are both trying to do the right thing by not having an affair, and considering your mutual spouses and children, but wow- that is hard... We all "know" that infidelity is wrong ethically, isn't that why we are seeking support on this forum instead of just going out and doing whatever we please?... but darn it is SO hard when you meet someone you feel that you are meant to be with , but circumstances don't allow it....

Here is a question for everyone- If you meet someone that you love, but can't be with, is it harder or easier if they feel the same way about you? From my personal experience right now, just by seeing the look in my crushes eyes and how he talks to me without coming right out and being inappropriate... it is MUCH harder when the feeling is mutual, but you still can't be together. How much emotional torment is that when you find someone you love deeply, and care for and want to make their lives better and help them etc, and they care about you but it is all so close, but yet so impossibly far.... (notwhatiplanned if there was comfort in a bottle for this, I would take it right now too... so hard!)

Good luck everyone

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

Looking back on what I said earlier, and having talked with her again today, I was quick to anger regarding her. She has so much going on right now that this whole thing, whatever it is, is just another one on her plate. I can't expect her to be rational anymore than I can expect myself.

And yes there is still the wife. I'm in limbo here. I don't want to hurt her - I do still care for her deeply. It's just not the same. Maybe there is a chance for the spark to come back but if I'm being honest the real spark left years ago. Can you ignite a flame from the coals when they've grown cold? All in all it's not the worst thing in the world to stay. I do love her in my own way. I didn't really think I was unhappy until recently (aside from my depression).

It is weird though - telling to women I love them on a daily basis. Knowing one there's a wall built up between us that I don't know if we can break it down, and the other there's no wall at all, but she too is married.

Been on the verge of tears all day - trying to not be on facebook because if I am I'll message her. (Which we both do anymore).

Anyways - time to try and help someone else instead of just venting.


1. playfully teases the girl you know who has crush for you all the time

Well I do this with my crush, but then she does it with me. My assumption is that it's your crushes way of flirting.

2. one of the past week you "seemingly" trying to pull back with cold responses

We've semi-tried this, it didn't work because we just can't stand not being close to each other. We've tried pulling back emotionally but it seems the only other person who gets us is each other. Our spouses don't. Maybe its too much to ask to expect them to? I don't know.

3. doesn't reject when she offers you a hug or a shoulder massage for example, but won't initiate or ask for it.

I have no clue -maybe if he initiates it he feels guilty? Indecisive?

Not really sure.

The crush and I pretty much hug every day of the week if we can help it, sometimes several hugs a day. I think she started to give me a neck massage once in my office - and I've scratched her back several times. I'm afraid to massage her - she has a really bad back and I don't want to cause her any pain.

At any rate in your case I think you should have hugged him - better yet, tell him that you need a hug. If there is something there, he would respond to hearing you use the words "I need". They hold a lot of power.

happychrissy27 2 years ago

Update from my post (happychrissy27) 3 days ago:

So, 2 business days has gone by and my crush still has not emailed me back to say" no he is not upset" so i know he IS upset! At this point, my mind is going in all directions. I am preparing for the worst even though I don't think my words were too harsh for him to completely push me away.

He could have been overly sensitive so I have drafted a last email to send to him, apologizing again, and saying what he had told me in the past about him giving people the benefit of the doubt and him always being compassionate to people, for him to really think about it. At the end of the email( i haven't sent it yet) states how i never wanted to hurt him or hurt his feelings and i hope we could get past this and if not, that i am sorry and basically good luck.. I am sad as i am writing this email. Again it hasn't been sent.

So my question is, how long should I wait to hear back from him before I send him my Final sorry email? AGain the last email he sent me was on Wednesday, how much time should i wait?

OH he hasn't deleted me from his linked in profile either(which is a good sign. I had deleted him off mine when i found out that he was married with kids and he went on my profile the next day knowing that i check who views my page.He bascially did that b/c he told me afterwards that he thought he offended and i was mad at him b/c i removed him from my profile) Which was the case but he doesn't know that.

jadelola 2 years ago

@ happychrissy27-I don't understand what you said so wrong to your crush that would get him mad?

@notwhatiplanned - i don't envy your emotional coaster. All i want to say that i don't think people should stay in an unahappy marriage coz of children. Have you considered counseling to speak to a professional about your feelings? I am not such a fan but I know people who told me it has helped them.

@missinghim- I also want to know why a guy that knows you like him will tease you all the time. Sometime ago the mutual friend said to him that it's a pity he can't take 2 wives so he could marry me also…my crush laughed. I do think back when we worked together and even after that he had feelings but I think once people started talking he got scared.

I hate the stupid rain today – my crush and I don't work at the same place but I asked him if he would come with me to get lunch (he bought from home). He immediately agreed but a few minutes later sent me a message that it's pouring outside!!! So ,today I hate the rain ;)

I also don't know how to react around my crush when we are alone-I still get tongue tight after knowing him for over a year.

It's strange that he knows exactly how I feel about him and that he knows that I don't like it when we don't drive to work together. I am not good at hiding my feelings and I don't deny them either when he asks.

@ConfusedGuy 2 years ago


Question to all of you....How do you expect your crush to address you when they refer to the relationship with you?

Is it Friendship, BFF, just address as relationship, any other terms that I missed

happychrissy27 2 years ago


I agree with you what i said wasn't that bad. I am thinking it has to be that I had thought of something which i didn't acknowledge to him made him get mad at me. This was the conversation: I had said to him that "i was wondering why he didn't bring up his kids?" He told me that he was "not the type of person to shove pixs down people throats and if people wanted to know about his kids they would ask him". I said to him okay, "i just thought that...never mind". He wanted to know 'what my thought was b/c I can't never minded him', that's all.

SO he knew i was thinking at that moment about him because i didn't say it. I think he is being way too sensitive and is blowing this all out of proportion but I wouldn't say that too him.

Obviously, there could also be daddy issues too with him. He did tell me that it "took him too long to get used to being a parent", so he has shared some details about himself which would make me question HIS parenting skills. I have asked him about his father and he has no comment on that, he only talks about his mom. So i might have hit a nerve.

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

@jadelola - thanks, it's certainly not a fun place to be. I've felt like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff for quite some time now. The "d" word was brought up by the wife last night, because she's convinced that's what I want. I was honest with her, and told her I don't know what I want at the moment, and due to everything that's gone on, don't feel I can trust my emotions, so I'm just holding out until February then will seek therapy/medication. I made no promises, because I can't right now.

Maybe we can reignite things, maybe that's just wishful thinking. I'm not sure. I know my crush feels the same way. I've urged her to go seek help (she has medication but she's not talking to anyone, well aside from me).

Also sorry that the rain cut the crush out from your day. When something happens and I can't see my crush (on work days), I always feel like a little light was extinguished.

voyager 2 years ago

@notwhatiplanned wow... talking about the "d" word is a big step... even just bringing it up. How do you feel, are you okay?

Shygirl16 2 years ago

I'm so happy I found this post!!! My story it's a bit complicated. I'm a 26 year old Mom. I'm not married but Im still in a relationship With my son's father( we do not live together). 2 years ago I saw my crush, ( well he saw me)At my job. I'm a cashier and he works next door , he manages a few buildings including the one where my store is located.I notice he was noticing me and at first I thought it was just me.but then I started paying attention to him.He goes religiously to my store sometimes even twice a day. Funny thing is I don't really know him. I know he is married and has two kids because he talks to my manager a lot. He does not wear a ring. We always bump into each other all the time and we say hi but that's it. One day I decided to ask his name and introduce myself, once he turned around he had the biggest smile on his face!! We like each other but I think we both afraid of what might happen between us. I try to avoid him but he keeps coming in the store. Help!! What do I do? Every day that passes by I'm closer to give him my number...

voyager 2 years ago

@Shygirl16 Welcome to the forum! I hear your story and I feel your pain... I too have kids, and a have a crush (possibly mutual!) on a married man... it is the most frustrating situation ever... I can completely relate to you.....since my crush is also married, but does not wear a ring, I got too close emotionally before he mentioned his wife...MY fault, not his....... we are close friends and getting closer, but since I know that I have a huge crush on him and he is married, I try to be really careful and respectful of his marriage... even though I know that there are MANY problems in his marriage and they are mostly separated. I cannot become involved with a man who is still emotionally married to someone else then, we both need to wait for someone else , but if they are just living together "for the kids" or something else etc, but basically living in separate rooms if not separate houses, then the situation needs to be clarified. I believe strongly in the sanctity of marriage, but also strongly believe that we can sometimes be married to the wrong person.... Not sure how much it helps you, but that is my two cents worth. Best wishes!

missing him 2 years ago

@notwhatiplanned: if I tell him I need a hug, will he thinks I'm too needy/clingy? I don't wish to appear needy that lead to seemingly annoying. I wish to be the exact opposite of his wife.

@confused guy: interesting question there. I wish it would be a relationship, at least it possess a level of certainty. Comparing to the situation I am in right now, I don't know what he has in his mind now, when he will pull back, what is our limit, and a lot more uncertainties that appear in my mind. I don't think he has answers to all these questions either. My best friend once said, things happened (hug and massage) are just purely out of convenience. If it's inconvenient, for example during the weekend, he will not make an effort to spend time with me. I did some testing and it appeared she is right. This lead to the thinking am I just an extra "entertainment" for him? Is the mutual feeling (if any) true love? Or just to fill in some excitement in the boring day to day life?

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

missing him - for me, the words "I need" are so powerful, I can't help but comply. Deep down inside I think most men want to be heroes, it's something that helps us feel our own self worth. Or maybe that's just me. But no matter what, if a girl told me she needed a hug, I'd hug her. So hard.

I'd hug her forever.

@confused guy - You mean to outsiders or each other? My crush is mutual, very very mutual, to the point we've barely held back from having a full fledged affair, and I fear, that might still happen. Or we wind up divorcing our spouses and wind up together. See I'm in the rare position here where the crush isn't a one way street and we can't help but be drawn to each other. It's so powerful that it physically hurts. Yet I wouldn't dismiss it... I feel more alive with this pain than I have in years. To the outside world I have to refer to her as a friend, a close friend, but a friend none the less. At this point the only thing keeping me from outright pursuing her is the fact I'm married. If I were single I'd be working as hard as I could to make her mine. Yeah that makes me a bad person but honestly I don't care really. Yeah, I know, I know. I'd be "that guy". Oh well. I want her so much. It's not just a sex thing. Hell we could never have sex, I... I just want to hold her forever while the world ends around us. It's like I'm 16 again and I've met my wife for the first time...

missing him 2 years ago

@both guys: I wish my crush would address our thing as a relationship and would hug each other daily :( should I move forward another step? Its either all in with a high risk of being avoided forever or stay in this uncertainties forever. I'm torn.....

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

@missing him - Well, it's a slippery slope once you start going down it. I can't tell you how to react or what to do here. Only that going down this path could lead to something both excruciating and wonderful at the same time.

voyager 2 years ago

@notwhatiplanned I hope this is the beginning of better days for you, and wow- you sure summed it up nicely when you said that it is such a relief when someone gets you...I couldn't have put it into words like that, but it seems to be the case with you and your crush, it certainly is with me and my crush... we "get" each other, and it is so wonderful to be known and understood by someone. so much stronger than just a physical attraction, even if that is there too. Well said.

@missing him Your dilemma is hard... I know that I am getting to the point of wanting to "move ahead", or take the broken heart and "move on".... this uncertainty limbo is hell. Loving the time you have with them, but wanting and needing more some day. I'm torn too.... Do you have any more news today, any changes? Good luck. I don't know which is harder, just having a casual even good friend relationship with your crush since they are married, or cutting ties and trying to heal your heart if it isn't meant to be.

@ all guys ...And great to see all of the guys on here- maybe we can help each other out with offering our own unique perspectives in this forum environment more than we could in the "real world"... Best wishes all.

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

today was a great great day. I saw her. Gave her a brief hug, and we were able to talk via work chat all day. Today we apparently both decided we'd start listing traits about ourselves that others find annoying or just plain odd.

Only to have us either charmed by them, or find out we have the same really weird quirks. Some are kind of common, nail biting, occasional pacing - random outbursts or flat out ignoring if you inturrupt what we're watching/reading.

Others - like always gagging when we brush our tounges and having to rince the brush between spits, or never finishing a drink if it gets too far down because of thinking it's all backwash, or never watching a show live if we can help it, but forcing ourselves to wait the 13 or so odd minutes to start it and never hit a commercial... those seem to be a little more rare.

Oh, but man it really was a much better day. The only thing that sucked was she darted out at the end of the day without stopping by my office.

Home hasn't been too bad either - went to the store with the wife, cooked dinner (I do love to cook). Of course after that it's just been us on our separate couches not talking. That's ok though - just popped in my headphones and started listening to Pink Floyd's "The Wall".

Regardless, this will be a night without dark thoughts, without tears, and I'm ok with that. My crush bought me a christmas gift, I have to find something perfect for her, I have a good idea. Told the wife she bought me one and I would be buying her one. For once it didn't start an argument. It had been suggested to me to lie about the situation and use someone as a scapegoat. No - that would just make it worse.

misssing him 2 years ago

@notwhatiplanned: so your wife knew the whole story about you and your crush? Glad another day of yours past without negative event.

@voyager: I have yet to meet my crush as yet. But manage to catch up some office chats thru IMs. He told me he is sick but I tried to get him to the doctor but he refuses to. Oh well.. Tough day for me again it seems.

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

@missing him - no, not the whole story. Just the christmas gift issue, and she knows that my crush and I have gotten close. I apologize if I made it seem like just came out and told her everything.

Things were well off enough last night that I was even able to sleep. Real sleep. Not a fitful 3-4 hours I'd been getting each night for weeks.

missing him 2 years ago

@notwhatiplanned: I see it as a tough phase in life that you are in right now. To be able to catch up a good sleep is luxury sometimes. I had a worst nightmare last night and its really freak me out.

As for my case, last week we played a game and he won so he asked for a prize. I offered some options for him. A gift, a meal, intimate moment, assist in his freelance job, a massage. He asked what had he done to deserve an intimate moment? I told him that I'm sure he will not pick that option. He asked what if he pick that? I said then I will honour my promise. So he picked that. On the same day I gave him a shoulder massage so I teased him, so this is the prize that you picked alright? But today when I offer him massage again, he told me he is sick so he doesn't want it. So I was fine with it. Out of sudden he asked me what about the intimate moment? I asked him when and where? He asked am I serious? I said if he is, I can be, too. He just laughed it off. In the end before he went back, he said "no intimate moment right? Then I will just go home now." I was like, hey why does this appear out of sudden? To me, it sounds like a teasing game altogether. What do you think?

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

@missing him - welcome to my world of the past several months. A lot of games of chicken. Some have been closer brushes than others. One night in the car when i hugged her she literally bit my neck. A few times at work a hug from behind became her pressing her body into me. I try my hardest not to touch her in an inappropriate way...even knowing how she feels, because again... we're both married. She had backed off recently - and said she needed us to cool things down, but now she's almost right back where she was. She told me today she isn't torn, and wants to work things out with her husband, but again her actions betray those words. I don't know what to think. HOWEVER - Most of it though has been the - "well you won't" type contests that you have not engaged in. It's like we're both waiting until someone makes the first move - counting on the fact the other party won't do it. Scary at times.

I'm not sure what to say other than you have my ear, whichever way you go with it. Just tread carefully. If you engage in this form of chicken, at some point I'm sure it has to end with a move being made. It's been going on for months with the crush and I, so maybe it never happens. But it could...very easily.

Now, about my day. It was one of the best and worst days at the same time. First off, my crush has to be the sweetest most heartfelt woman in the world. She took a story, a throw-away I thought since I had told it over the years and laughed it off, and decided to in essence give me that moment back that had been stolen from me, over 26 years ago. She kept asking if it was ok what she did, I think she worried that she had stepped over the line. She had not. It was beautiful and amazing.

Me, trying to be the good guy here and really in awe of the gesture, shared it with my wife. Probably a huge mistake looking back. It became an argument via text and will have to see what happens when she gets home (she's closing tonight). She's so convinced I'm checked out when I keep on telling her that's not the case (it's not - I don't know where we are headed yet...but then again she's not the only one who has said it...maybe I am in denial). At any rate I have dinner to cook, marinating some chicken in italian dressing and will be roasting red potatoes and steaming some broccoli to go with it.

When I am in the gym or the kitchen everything else melts away, I wish that I could manage to be in either place all the time. Maybe I should change my identity and just run far far away from everyone.

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

@missing him

"not engaged in" was supposed to be "now engaged in" sorry

missing him 2 years ago

@notwhatiplanned: so the whole thing actually sounds like a game on who make the first move first from what you've described above. My crush seems to pull back once briefly step on the surface. This leave me a lot of uncertainties example like what are the boundaries? And does he treat me as a temporary entertainment until one day he gets bored with the whole game and move on? I knew him for several years and I knew he is not a playboy type. Perhaps all these has been something new and exciting and eventually will get bored after everything has been explored. Same goes to our conversations. It is no longer the same as previously what we had - non stop and fun conversations. Now it turned to moments of silent and talk for the sake of talking - sometimes I can't help but to think whether is he no longer interested to strike a conversation with me? I'm not sure, just too much of uncertainties in this whole thing.

Well i believe your case is with a degree of certainty - at least both you and your crush has express the mutual feelings for each other. It's two way for sure.

Thinking about it, I believe no matter which stage we are in, there will always be something that bothering us.

1. If you had a crush over someone else - you'll be thinking whether the feelings are mutual.

2. If your crush clearly shows no interest, you'll feel sad and be thinking why he/she doesn't like me?

3. If your crush shows some interest in you, you'll be expecting him/her to care for you, to treat you as a partner.

4. If your crush doesn't or show less care, then you'll be thinking why is the cold treatment?

5. If your crush care for you a lot, you'll be questioning why doesn't he/she leave his/her partner for you?

Seems like no matter which stage we are in, there will always be some concerns that bothering us. Just a random thoughts here.

missing him 2 years ago

@voyager and notwhatiplanned: its impossible to have neat of both worlds - to please us and at the same time not disrespecting the marriage.. Sad case thou~ I'm desperate too right now. Last night we had a party with some mutual friends and their spouse respectively. My crush, too, brought his spouse and kids along. Sometimes i do feel that I'm good at pretending nothing had ever happen when his wife is there. I did not have a single word with him as he and the wife sat far from where I sat. Anyway, from the outlook, they seems like perfectly happy family with beautiful wife and beautiful kids - it is so perfect that no guy would want to ruin it. That's how I see it. And that's where I find myself as an "extra" / unwanted / unimportant entertainment / anything similar to it. I can't help but to think negatively sometimes... He, at times seems like reciprocate my feeelings but also trying to ensure he do not cross the lines which he already had! I don't know what to think seriously. And I don't know why we are involved in this chicken game. Sounds ridiculous for a guy like him would be involved in such a game. I believe he is trying very best to maintain the image of a responsible hubby and daddy at the same time. Will he hate me for trying to ruin it? Sigh, I don't know what to think and how to face him anymore. Often i thought of resigning and cut all contacts with him, but at the same time, I'm not able to do so as i still love him very much. I wish to be the girl by his side to support him whenever he needs me - not asking for any return except for his care/ gestures of appreciation. That's it. On the happy note - Notwhatiplanned: agree with voyager, your dinner sounds delicious ;)

missing him 2 years ago

I mean *best of both worlds - sorry for the phone auto correct function error.

voyager 2 years ago

@missing him .... I cannot imagine your pain at seeing him with his wife in that situation... that is SO hard.... I would have started drinking WAY too much to numb the pain, just left right away, or cried all night..... maybe all at the same time... I am so sorry to hear that you were in that situation.... sending virtual hugs..... It WILL be okay, somehow, someway..... praying for us both right now.... because it is SO HARD wanting and missing them when we are not free to pursue it... HOW do we get by??? :( How are we supposed to deal with this terrible pain??? Anyone??!?? :(

Torn 2 years ago

So today I told my married friend that im falling for him and ive told my long term partner and father of my child that I dont feel the same for him anymore. I feel like an awful horrible person but I cannot lie anymore. It is most likely ill end up alone as a single mum while the love of my life is living around the corner with his family and I am heartbroken.

missing him 2 years ago

@voyager: I totally understand your hurt, but try not to hurt yourself further by drink too much. :( I did not cry thou although I feel I should. Hope he's happy being in that "home" with his family. All I would say right now is the wife is really lucky to have him. Somehow I have a thought or two: I wish to be by his side, in case if his wife doesn't appreciate him, let me be the one who keep and appreciate him. Haha..what an evil thought I'm having. I had a dream last night - we were off to somewhere and a guy approached me and ask me something I couldn't really remember the details - but the main point is he (my crush) ask me twice who is that dude? I'm glad that he asked. well, after all I guess I do concern about ownership. Its like, he asked because he feels I belong to him or something. If he doesn't ask, he just don't care. That's how I look at it, although I agree that this is debatable in the sense the wife belongs to him and I don't.

voyager 2 years ago

@ Torn... it may not help, but I feel your pain.....I had to tell my husband of 15 years that I couldn't love him back the way he loved me. I left and ended up a single Mom... NEVER easy, but better in many ways than living a is a cruel twist of fate that I now have a potentially mutual crush on a married man with kids..... WHY WHY WHY is life so hard?!? I do not have the answer for your pain, but I understand it. Please know that you are NOT alone, even though it feels like it.... how did your married friend and the father of your child react? What a day for you- I do not have all of the answers, of course, having a married crush myself, but I offer you whatever support and encouragement that I can. (Heartbroken also, but sending best wishes.)

voyager 2 years ago

@missing him .... I know... drinking solves nothing, and does make many things worse..... the pain is just so much.... I feel like I wrote your comment myself! We think the same way about so many things.... "Hope he's happy being in that "home" with his family. All I would say right now is the wife is really lucky to have him. Somehow I have a thought or two: I wish to be by his side, in case if his wife doesn't appreciate him, let me be the one who keep and appreciate him. Haha..what an evil thought I'm having. " No, I feel EXACTLY the same way.......I almost told him today how lucky I thought his wife was... I wish I could be with him, and look out for him, care for him and always be by his side helping him... but of course I cannot say that to him, even when he tells me how she talks to him and treats him... I have seen it indirectly, but still it is not my place to mess in his life.... I love him and it hurts me and makes me cry every day because I just want to BE with him, love him, no demands, no strings, but I can't because she found him first. My heart is breaking.

missing him 2 years ago

@torn: That really took a great courage to take up the big step. I did the same too as I don't want to hide my feelings anymore. Stay strong there for your kids at least, and we have each other in this forum to share out feelings and thoughts. :) you are not alone..

missing him 2 years ago

@voyager: Lol we have so much of similarities. Im so agree with this part:

I wish I could be with him, and look out for him, care for him and always be by his side helping him... but of course I cannot say that to him, even when he tells me how she talks to him and treats him... I have seen it indirectly, but still it is not my place to mess in his life.... I love him and it hurts me and makes me cry every day because I just want to BE with him, love him, no demands, no strings, but I can't because she found him first. My heart is breaking.

I'm addicted to the song unbreak my heart by Toni Braxton.. And i fall asleep to this song thinking of him. :( be strong dear...

voyager 2 years ago

@ missing him ...I think that song was written by someone who truly understands us!!!! I wish something could unbreak our hearts!!..... you stay strong too my friend! it is SO hard. I am sending you best wishes. hugs :) :)

voyager 2 years ago

@ Confused Guy Well, I am no expert, but for what it is worth, here is how I treat my crush differently than other guys.... and I work with a lot of guys.

Other guys at work: smile, say good morning, small talk about the weather , work load etc... then move on and do our own jobs.

My crush: (and this is all stuff that he can SEE from his point of view, not my inside thoughts thinking about him all of the time etc, that he can't see..) - wait specifically to see him/ spend time with him even if it is just a few moments and not completely convenient for me, but trying to talk to HIM in particular. Trying to be near him, help him out, etc.. I am a naturally helpful person and will help all of the guys at work out, but the difference being that when the helping part is done, with the other guys, I will then just leave and go back to my work, but with my crush, I want to linger and drag it out as long as possible just to be near him for a moment longer. In my opinion, if someone is interested beyond a platonic friendship, they will want to stay around you AS LONG AS POSSIBLE. To me, when I am with my crush and we are deep in conversation, everything else around is secondary.... my eyes can only see him.... the world could be tumbling down around us, and I would probably not notice. I would crawl across a desert to get something he wanted... And I smile at him ALOT.... not just superficial "nice to see you".. but real warm, honest. "I get you" smiles...lots of direct eye contact.. I want him to feel LOVED and appreciated even if I can't tell him that directly. I laugh at ALL of his jokes, even ones that he has told me before because I know that he is trying.. I stick up for him and defend him in any situation (my crush is a bus driver and many people get on and hassle him about being late etc.... they don't know that I love him of course, but I always try to smile at the people and say something like "it's a hard job... glad I don't have to do it, I'm sure he is trying his best etc.."... always trying to help him out and make his life easier.

I LOOK at him constantly..... not to sound creepy, but we can't stop looking at each other... I said this before but it is like I have magnets in my eyes that zoom in on him... of course your crush may at some point be trying consciously to NOT stare at you, ( I have done that too, but am mostly unsuccessful.), but if she keeps coming back to looking at you especially in a crowd, probably a good sign.

Asking and caring about your life beyond... how is work... etc My crush and I are constantly asking each other about favourite music, tv shows , movies... etc ... a platonic guy friend, I probably will not be that interested in knowing what music he likes etc.

Finding ways to "casually" make contact and touch them- I have worked with some people for years and never made any physical contact at all, but my crush and I are always finding a way or a reason to touch each other... pat on the back, touching hands when exchanging items etc.... it is easily avoided with someone you don't want to touch, but easily done if the feelings are there.

And does she remember small obscure things about you that you have mentioned? I remember many details that my crush has brought up in conversation even weeks ago and bring them back into the conversation because what he likes is IMPORTANT to me... I care about him. Overall, yes I will admit that women can be ridiculously difficult to read sometimes, but if you know what to look for, I think that we all give off some similar signs, maybe not the same for everyone.... but male or female, if we are attracted to someone, I think that there are always SOME signs.... we can't help it. Just being there whenever possible, and trying to make an intimate connection... knowing more about their life, and caring about them as a person.... these things can usually be seen if they are there. Not sure if this helps, but those are just a few things that I do with my crush but not other "guy friends".

@notwhatiplanned wow- you have a lot of big news every day! Your wife is looking at other places? That is a big step.... is that what SHE wants, or is that what she thinks YOU want? How will you feel if you and your wife separate but your crush is still with her husband? Just speaking from experience here... it is HELL.. I broke up with my boyfriend a couple of months ago, before I even met my crush, so I am single, but he is still unhappily married.... it is even worse this way ... knowing that I could be with him, but he is "unavailable" ...even though we care about each other. We haven't specifically talked about it, but he has a 17 year old daughter at home, an unhappy marriage etc.. I have no idea if his wife is happy, or if they are just staying together until their daughter moves out in September ...He has not been disrespectful of his wife or marriage, but we are very close, and talk alot.... am I wrong, but does a happily married guy form a close friendship with a girl and tell her all of his most personal hopes, thoughts, dreams, wishes.... etc? Call me a fool, but from talking to the guys I work with , they do not do that.... Either way, it is hard when neither of you is single, but even harder when one of you is single.... so much closer, but still so far.... :( Your crush says that she isn't torn... what does that mean? Who does she want to be with- does she mean that she definitely knows that she wants to be with you, no decision necessary? And I don't know about other women, but I only care about stroking the ego of people I carer about... yes, I try to treat everyone well, but as for "ego stroking".... only my crush gets that, so probably a good sign for you if she is.

.... and the drinking thing... yeah.... this hell of being in limbo with my crush, missing him so much, not sure if we can be together .... ever.... yes it is heartbreaking, and alcohol does numb the pain, darn it all... :(

But MUSIC is also therapy.... best wishes all

missing him 2 years ago

He's been seems like withdraw not only from me, but also from the whole group of friends of ours. Not sure if something personal happened at his side. I will never know. Its hurtful, but I guess I will just move on without pressuring him. All the best everyone.. Move on if you can..

voyager 2 years ago

@missing him It is hard, but I guess that is all you can do right now.... I am trying to do the same thing, but am "missing him" too...

Torn 2 years ago


@missing him

Thank you so much for your support and advice, its such a relief to not be harshly judged and made to feel like a horrible predatory marriage destroyer. The difficulty is my recently ex partner has now decided that he has been treating me badly for the past 6 years and is trying to make amends and 'win me back'. Its awful, I feel terrible but I dont want him to try, regardless of whether i will ever be with the man I really love, I just cant feel any real love for my ex partner anymore. I want to do the right thing in the right way and not lie or cheat so I am trying to be completely honest with everyone no matter how hard it it.

The married man lives literally 5mins walk away from my home, when I drop my son off at school I have to walk past his house, when his wife says mean things about him and flirts with other men it hurts like hell but I have to bite my tongue as I dont ever want to interfere or cause problems, its a complete nightmare. I am starting to think he is beginning to fall for me from how he looks at me and the things he says and does. I dont want him to lose his children and home for me but I cant bear to be without him. It will destroy me if he says he cannot be with me. I have told my mum about all this mess, she said dont make the same mistake she did and stay with the wrong man for the kids as I will always be unhappy, she says follow your heart..

@notwhatiplanned I have been unhappy for years, I have been trying to make the relationship work but my partner refused to work at things, we didnt communicate, laugh or enjoy anything, im tired of feeling like im only useful for cooking cleaning and parenting and I have come to a point where my feelings are just not the same anymore. This married man I met has made me realise just how unhappy and downtrodden I am, he reminded me of who I really am and I know it is highly unlikely I will ever be with him but he has opened my eyes and I will always be eternally grateful to him.

voyager 2 years ago

@ Torn ..... wow- your post really spoke to my heart.... I know what you mean about coming here and not being judged... none of us here want to interfere in our crushes marriages, but feel the intense pain of loving someone that doesn't "belong" to us.... We can't help who we love, but just offer help and support to each other in these difficult circumstances. I hear you... I don't want to be "that person" who messes where she doesn't belong, and I keep telling myself that as long as he is happy and safe, that is the important thing. It gets difficult when he ISN'T happy though, and as you said, " I dont want him to lose his children and home for me but I cant bear to be without him. It will destroy me if he says he cannot be with me.".... I feel completely that way- do not want him to lose anything ever, to be with me, but can't stand the pain of not being with him and how his wife acts like she doesn't even care about him at all....Yes, she found him first, but why does she have to be so hard on him? I just want to be with him, love him, care about him.... keep him safe and help him any way I can.... yes, I know it is whining, but is just feels so unfair.... especially when it seems that he feels something for me.... this is the MOST frustrating situation I have ever been in.... broken heart... :(

I think it must be very hard for you when your ex is trying to get back together.... if you don't feel the same for him, it is even worse. My ex is trying to get back with me (our stories are VERY similar!) ... and I can't love him the way he wants so I am staying away too- please let me know how you are coping.....

We are all trying to do the "right" thing, but it is so hard...... the follow your heart advice is good, but what happens if you follow your heart to a man that is committed to someone else even if they are unhappy?! :( It is so hard- what is the ultimate "right" thing? Is it ever okay for an unhappy marriage to to end, and you and your crush can find "true love" and live happily ever after, or is the existing marriage the ultimate "right" no matter if it is happy or not? This is an excruciatingly painful dilemma.... I wish you, and all of the others here the best of luck.... I feel your pain

Torn 2 years ago

@voyager it is so hard to know whether your crushes feelings are reciprocated or not and whether it will ease any of the pain by sharing your feelings. I consider myself so fortunate that my crush confessed his feelings to me and although it is incredibly difficult to be getting closer and closer to him without being able to actually be with him, knowing he cares has put me on top of the world. However if the feelings were not mutual then I would be forced to work on getting over him, so if he hadnt told me id have ended up telling him because I couldnt stand all the not knowing and unbearable tension, it really would break me now if he told me he didnt want to see me anymore. I actually said to him the other day I would back away and give him space to work on his marriage but he said he couldnt let me back away now he would miss me too much. I just have to wait this out but the longer it takes the stronger I feel, I dont want my heart breaking but i fear its inevitable :-( at least we have each other to lean on through this, I keep reading through hoping for a happy ending to one of your stories, lets keep hoping xx

missing him 2 years ago

@voyager & torn

Omg our stories are just too similar. My ex trying to work things out with me as well but I don't want to be with him anymore. I was forced to be back to him again although I don't really put in effort to did things (I just can't see myself in this relationship anymore). I love my crush and I still love him at this point of time where he avoided me like this. It's really hurtful heartbreaking and whatever you can name it - it's there. I can't stop crying when he started to avoid me.

It makes me wonder should I actually let him know I love him in the first place or should I keep it to myself in the first place. But if you ask me whether I regretted telling him, I would say no. We had some great time together in the past and these moments will always stay in my heart. @voyager: I'm doing the 'follow your heart' way, you need to bear in mind, follow your heart will not always equal to rational or right move.

On the crazy note: I wonder if there is a parallel universe where my crush and me are together? I would love to be there! LOL....

missing him 2 years ago

@torn: your words totally described my feelings.

He keeps trying to hug me and I tell him I dont want to. I feel horrible being so blunt but I refuse to lead him on thats not fair. Im so tired not sleeping, worrying all the time, I dont know how long I can go on like this, its complete mental torture.

Yes, it's a complete torture to stay for the sake of staying. I've been worrying too when he says wan to meet up. I hate it when he ask me to spend the night at his place. I would reject and we started to quarrel. I wish to quit all these s**t right away......

Let's hope next year will be a better year for everyone...

Torn 2 years ago

There is a song that resonates this situation in the words for me, what do you all think?

'Sway' by Bic Runga

Don't stray, don't ever go away I should be much too smart for this

You know it gets the better of me

Sometimes, when you and I collide I fall into an ocean of you, pull me out in time Don't let me drown, let me down I say it's all because of you And here I go, losing my control I'm practicing your name So I can say it to your face It doesn't seem right to look you in the eye Let all the things you mean to me Come tumbling out my mouth Indeed it's time to tell you why I say it's infinitely true Say you'll stay, don't Come and go like you do Sway my way, yeah I need to know all about you And there's no cure and no way to be sure Why everything's turned inside out Instilling so much doubt It makes me so tired, I feel so uninspired My head is battling with my heart My logic has been torn apart And now it all turns sour Come sweeten every afternoon Say you'll stay, don't Come and go like you do Sway my way, yeah I need to know all about you Say you'll stay, don't Come and go like you do Sway my way, yeah I need to know all about you It's all because of you It's all because of you Now it all turns sour Come sweeten every afternoon It's time telling you why I say it's infinitely true Say you'll stay, don't Come and go like you do Sway my way, yeah I need to know all about you Say you'll stay, don't Come and go like you do Sway my way, yeah I need to know all about you It's all because of you It's all because of you It's all because of you

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

@voyager - yeah, was shocking to me to say the least when she did that. I was talking to the crush about it and she told me to call her out on this and see what the hell she's driving at. So Wednesday night I did. She said she thought I had just checked out and she was preparing herself. Obviously she doesn't know (or at least I haven't revealed) my own internal conflict going on with my crush, but we've had serious problems for years. Regardless I haven't left yet. Life is never simple. We're talking a bit more now and even having arguments, which is better than the silence.

Regarding how you were describing your feelings to torn - I couldn't have said it better. We try and find ways to be around each other constantly. My crush will find things we can work on together at work (while making us both look good), just to be in my office at times. I'll do the same to go upstairs. It's crazy. We chat constantly over our work messengers, or on FB while not at work. Sometimes texting but we do try and refrain from that. But when we look into each others eyes... the world just falls away. At times I worry I'm making her life more complicated...But as they say "in for a penny, in for a pound". I gave my crush her gifts yesterday, she's a talented artist but has lost her muse, so I got her a new portfolio and pencils to hopefully rekindle that spark. We had our secret santa gift exchange and one (of two) holiday luncheons as well, after while helping with cleanup we wound up in our utility closet together. There was...a brief moment, just a touch, that definitely crossed that line we've been holding ourselves at. Still no kissing, but if no one else had been in the building by then I don't think that would have been the case. Arghhhhhh. It seriously was like a bolt of freaking lightning shot through my entire body. The end of the day (we usually see each other briefly and chat/hug) there was a bunch of people in my office (our busy season is right now so all hell is breaking loose). Well she waited a few minutes for "our time" but when that wasn't going to happen she left. I wound up wrapping something up real quick and chasing her down in the parking lot just so I could embrace her. Then I still couldn't let her go without getting a few more minutes with her. Silly? I dunno. Maybe the part where I had no coat or jacket on was silly.

@confused guy - I would assume it's just the little things. Does she try and find ways to be near you? Does she laugh constantly in your presense? Maybe play with her hair. Do you ever find her just looking at you and then looking away when you notice? Have you hugged before? You can tell a lot by a womans embrace. How well does she remember your conversations? What sort of physical contact have you two had thus far?

@torn - ok so in that respect it's a lot like my relationship with my wife, and then a crush comes along and sort of turns your world upside down. I think both of us are trying hard not to cut down each others spouses but there are times when it's just like WTF and we wind up saying something. More and more our talks are just about each other, our hopes, dreams, desires. We still do talk about our daily events but it's almost... well at times it feels like we're mapping out our future together. Crazy Crazy crazy crazy I know. I love the "follow your heart" advice. Now if only our hearts and our brains could just settle down and come to a decision that would be fantastic. Of course either way there will be consequences, and no guarantee the outcome will be the one hoped for.

@missing him - sorry dear. It's terrible when they pull away, and then it's like a hurricane when they come back. My crushes briefest of withdrawals was met by an even more forceful rebound. Maybe that'll happen?

Re: multiple/parallel universe thing - I believe that to be true. And.... it's something both the crush and I have talked about, so you're not alone in thinking about that possibility at all.

voyager 2 years ago

@ everyone! I will reply to your individual posts in a bit, but for now, THANK you ALL so much for being here and sharing your support and stories. It is truly keeping me going right now when I can't talk to anyone else about this emotional hell. Thank you!!!!

missing him 2 years ago

@notwhatiplanned: yes the feeling went haywire depending on what my crush done / not done (something that I would foresee him to do it that way but it doesn't happen) - I talked to him about it i.e. my feelings over his actions / non actions and his response is that I've set over expectation on other people. I don't know what to think until today, he's not been talking/responding to my messages as well. Non personal message - I sent him a link that I found on web regarding some event looking for freelancer which I thought he would be interested in. Not even a "noted" or "thanks" from him - a bare minimum to show some courtesy. My expectations are too high? I don't think so. I'm just feeling disappointed with his attitude towards me. I just don't know how to feel right now. I love him and at the same time feeling disappointed but trying to find some reason not to hate him. I keep telling myself, will it be because something happen at his side that took away his focus and attention? But this reason ain't strong enough to justify his actions - particularly towards me. I'm still very much in a stage of confusion, disappointed, hurt, sad and everything you could name it. All I could do is trying to move on....

Thanks to everyone too for being here to support each other.

missing him 2 years ago

@confused guy: sorry for the late reply. I would try to give some example based on my own personal experience. The most obvious thing will be she purposely stay back in the office for the sake of accompanying you when you need to stay back. Or purposely come to the office in the weekend or during day-off just because you need to work on that day. Woman, just like man, they wouldn't want to waste their precious time kn someone unimportant to them.

Second will be: she will be going extra miles just because she wants to help you, even without your consent and without asking for any reward. She just love the idea of being the woman behind you, to support you whenever you need her and to keep you happy and healthy.

Third: she love spending time with you even if its for no purpose. She will be going for a drink/meal with you even if she is not thirsty or hungry. She will be laughing with you even if she isn't really interested in whatever you're saying. She don't mind driving around with you when you're unhappy / stress.

Forth: she will be blushing / playing with her hair / smiling like an idiot / act more girly in terms of speech and body language whenever you are around especially when you tease her.

Fifth: she gets jealous when you talked about how good your wife or other girls are especially she is as good as if not better in that particular area.

Sixth: she talks about you everyday and night to all her friends and family subconsciously, for example when someone asked her how's her day?

Hope this helps. I will try to add on if o could think of other pointers. :)

voyager 2 years ago

@ Torn I think that you are being a very good person by telling your ex that you can't feel the same way back ( hard for him now, but better to know so that he can move on...) You aren't leading him on, but still letting him stay in the house too, since he has nowhere to go.

Did you find it easier with your crush before or after he confessed his feelings to you? How did it come up, were you discussing his marriage etc? I find it so hard to know where the line is with my crush... he talks about being unhappy at home, live almost live separately in the same house etc, but I don't know how much I should be bringing it up with him, or if it would ever be appropriate to bring up how I feel about him. He jokingly calls me sweetheart and honey in a teasing way and says how much he loves being around me and is so comfortable, but that is a LONG way from potential relationship some day, or even talking about a relationship. He talks jokingly about not liking his life, changing it someday and having "a girlfriend" not making it seem specifically me, just a different life, and a girlfriend. But he has been with his wife for 20 years and had some opportunities for a girlfriend in the past, yet they are still unhappily married.... not sure why. Anyway, I would feel the same as you, scared and thrilled if we actually discussed him making any changes to his life.... happy to maybe be with him, yet feel guilty for his wife, and scared for what he might lose... I think you are doing the right thing but offering him space to work on his marriage and not pressuring him. Thanks for the virtual hug, it is needed right now. (And that is a great song!)

voyager 2 years ago

@ missing him Dealing with exes is always difficult if one wants to get back and the other doesn't.... even harder if the one that doesn't want to get back together has a complicated crush situation on an unavailable person! Problems everywhere.... sad, confusing and heartbreaking problems....

I think that from what you are saying, you really don't regret telling your crush your feelings, he just had a reaction, (not necessarily a rejection of you, just a reaction to pull back.)... but you still are happy that he knows. I agree with you. I wish I could have the courage to tell my crush.... not asking or expecting anything from him, maybe not even a REPLY, but just so that he KNOWS. You are right that it is easier to force yourself to move on if it is clear that nothing will ever come of your feelings for him... it is also bittersweet to know that there might be an ounce of hope somewhere, but you can't live in the uncertainty forever. Something has to give. Too painful in the long term. Where is this parallel universe... I want to go! :)

voyager 2 years ago

@notwhatiplanned Maybe your wife was just "testing the waters", maybe to see how you would react? Maybe that is how she is gauging your feelings since you said that there is silence a lot.... maybe she wanted to see if you would celebrate, or cry or beg her not to leave, or whatever... maybe it is her way of finding out where she stands with you without asking. And although it may not seem like it, arguing can actually lead to communication and healing sometimes.... stony silence where you shut each other out often leads to complete communication breakdown... I know I'm stating the obvious here, but at least arguments can sometimes lead to "solutions", whereas silence just leads to more of the same. (and it's not funny but I laughed at the part about your coat or jacket.... that is a good indication of feelings! Just run outside, no matter what weather :))

missing him 2 years ago


it is also bittersweet to know that there might be an ounce of hope somewhere, but you can't live in the uncertainty forever. Something has to give. Too painful in the long term

To be honest from what you mentioned above, I had a thought to be by his side and not asking for him to leave his family and to be with me in the long term. I just want to tell him this: " i just wanna be your best friend, to care and support for you. That's all, if you don't want anything physical including massage or whatever it is, then fine. Just let me know and you don't need to pull back like that. I don't want to appear as desperate to you, although yes I still love you. It is my problem and I will deal with my feelings on my own. You don't have to stay away from me like that, I don't bite :( "

All these have really got me shedding tears again and again..guess I'll be having hard time to move on.. Thanks for your reply btw :) if the parallel universe really exist, I would love to be there too :)

voyager 2 years ago

@missing him I have asked myself the same question.... how would it be to completely give up any hope or idea of us ever being "together" in a relationship sense, and just being a supportive friend.... That is a tough one... of course I have such strong feelings for my crush as you do for yours....I would always want to be there for him, and help him if he ever needed it, support him and be a friend to him, but if that was all it would ever be, I would have to cut off the daily contact, and disconnect myself emotionally....for example, stop thinking of him as "my crush", and looking forward to the next time I see him, and thinking about him all of the time. There would have to be a huge emotional shift that would have to happen, otherwise it would hurt too much, what do you think? (I think we both feel the same, you and I , that we care so much about them, we would always want to be a friend and help them, but that it would have to be very different than it is now- this kind of situation CANNOT go on indefinitely....hoping to be with them, wanting to see them, etc... it would have to be more of a friendship than crush.... ) Maybe I'm wrong.... who knows..... I can't imagine it right now since I am counting the hours until I see him! ) :)

Torn 2 years ago

@voyager thank you, I do feel so guilty by continuously telling him we are over each time he tries to hug me or tells me he still loves me but if im not clear now it will turn into an even bigger mess.

I really think your crush is dropping some pretty big hints, the things you say that hes said seem to be testing your reaction. To be honest im not sure id have the guts to tell my crush my feelings unless hed taken that first step but it does depend on your crush's personality and if hes pretty sure you feel the same and that he wouldnt lose you completely if you didnt feel the same way. Its a very difficult situation.

My crush ended up confessing, basically id invited his children for a play date with my son ( yes I know its terrible but my son and his children are really good friends and are in the same class, oh that makes it sounds even worse doesnt it :-( ) anyway my crush was acting all nervous in my house and then said he wanted to say something but then bottled out and practically ran out the house with his kids. I didnt know if he wanted to tell me he had feelings but I thought if I dont get an answer now he'll never tell me. So I sent a text saying I wanted to know what he was going to say as I was hoping it was similar to things I wanted to tell him but hadnt for several reasons. I said we needed to talk. He called me immediately and we aranged to meet for a coffee. He sounded so matter of fact I panicked and started to think I had it all wrong. However when we met up he flooded me with compliments and told me everything, I was shaking with nerves and happiness. The next day we talked about his marriage and why we might be having these feelings.

Since finding out his feelings are reciprocated it hasnt made things harder or easier its just changed the way i react. My feelings have definitely intensified since he confessed and it is much harder to see him with his wife now but I also feel happier because we can openly arrange to meet rather than searching for excuses to run into him so its bitter sweet, we also can spend our time discussing things freely rather than skirting around the subject.

I think if he hadnt told me id have gone crazy so I am definitely happier that he told me. I dont know if your crush has feelings for you its so hard to tell but maybe you should try some big hints yourself and test his reaction, he doesnt seem that happy at home and I doubt hed give you that impression if he had no feelings for you. Whats he like around everyone else? Are you getting any physical signs like the way he looks at you etc?

Before I knew how my crush felt I tried to test him by texting him while slightly drunk saying i was a little drunk and if i texted anything silly please ignore it, I got a string of replies asking me for these drunken messages so that was a pretty big hint he was interested. I know its a poor way of asking but I had to know. I wish I had an answer but it isnt really easier knowing they like you back, but it is an amazing feeling when they tell you :-) xx

HL 2 years ago

I have a crush on a married man at work. I try my best to treat him like I do everyone else, but I find him very attractive and very special. I would never act on these feelings because I respect the fact that he is married, but its tearing me up inside. I just want the crush to go away so I can continue on my way and find someone who is available. I wish there was a surefire way to turn off a crush, but never-the-less the fact that I am not alone helps.

voyager 2 years ago

@ HL Welcome! We can certainly relate to your feeling of attraction, but not wanting to act on it because we respect their marriage.. We are here to help and support each other, so please share your story with us. I am certainly torn up inside too- as are many others- we are here for you. we are all hurting in some way, and this forum is a life-saver! Turning a crush off like a switch would be so helpful, but of course we can't... so here we all are... welcome ! :)

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

@voyager - maybe, maybe all of that. I honestly think she feels slightly trapped too now, but is too scared to say anything. It's not that she doesn't love me...but this can't be what she thought her life would be like. I dunno. Yes - I do prefer the arguments because then at least for brief flashes we're communicating again.

@torn - your story about finding out your feelings are mutual was adorable. I am sorry for all the troubles you are having with your (soon to be) ex? Well done though on making yourself clear. I wish I could do that. I wish I knew what the future held so I COULD be clear. Ugh.

@confused guy - those are all the signs of this being mutual. I would say you're on the right track trying to, well test the waters a bit. Make sure you report back Monday night.

@HL - welcome to the board! We're all dealing with issues similar to yours, of course with our own twists and turns. Unfortunately there isn't a button to turn off emotions, or change fate as it were. So we're all just here and trying to figure out what comes next.

@confused guy (again) - test the waters a bit first before throwing out the L word. Granted the crush and I have used it, and are using it. But this was after several mutual disclosures and a lot of bonding after the fact. It just sort of happened, and while it's nice - the fact from an emotional standpoint it's progressed so far also makes it terrible at the same time. However I would say that it IS ok, providing the circumstances warrant it. I might be in the minority though.

missing him 2 years ago

@all - I've been in and out a few relationships before and nothing has been as pain as this, and this is not even a start of relationship yet. I don't know why the pain is so intense that I could not get him out of my mind no matter what I'm doing. The thought of why, why and why running through my mind 24/7. This is such an emotional torture. T_T

voyager 2 years ago

@ missing him... I know, me too- WHY is this one so painful? It isn't even a real relationship at this point, and we are all adults here, not teenagers with a crush on someone in science class etc.... WHY is this so hard?! Sorry for your trouble "missing him"....... :( I can't get my crush out of my mind either, this is a strange situation, and hurts so much.!! Hang in there, it has to get better.

@ anyone- I really don't feel like I can wait any longer without telling my crush how I feel...not to pressure him, but just to break this unbearable pain right now.... any thoughts?? So painful...

voyager 2 years ago

@Confused Guy - I know that you feel it, I feel it about my crush too (that I love him), but I would be cautious about saying it at this point.... I am just an outsider in your situation, you know it better . Even though I am seriously considering letting my crush know how I feel tomorrow, the love word will definitely not come into it at all, even though I feel it strongly. Saying I love you is a game changer, and changes the whole relationship. That is just my feeling, and maybe I am wrong. Hope it works out for you either way. Good luck!

Shygirl16 2 years ago

@voyager I feel your pain... Sometimes I just wanna run after him, kiss him and tell him what I feel!! I haven't seen my crush in 2 weeks already :( but my coworkers told me he went to the store on my day off ( he doesn't know my days off). I'm just so confused !!sometimes I think he just being nice to me but then again why would he stare at me the way he does? Why would he only talk to me when he is in the store?

Torn 2 years ago

@Voyager oh my goodness are you plucking up the courage to tell him tomorrow, youre so brave ive got everything crossed for you. When he mentioned about meeting up in days off what did you respond? Gosh its frustrating, I know what you mean about needing to know, I got to the point where I had had enough of all the not knowing and just needed to know one way or the other. It is of course easier if you have a way of contacting them, luckily early on my crush offered his number and it went from there.

Im meeting him tomorrow for xmas shopping, we went last week together and I was told he hates shopping but was really happy after going with me :-). Good luck to you, ill be thinking of you, keep us updated if you decide to go for it or not. I dont know if it helps but when my crush told me it started out with him saying that he had to tell me something and if he said anything that I felt uncomfortable with then to stop him immediately, then that way if I didnt feel the same it would save him some embarrassment.

Good luck honey ♡

Torn 2 years ago

@notwhatiplanned Thats the difficult part-making sacrifices for something that may never happen. I want to ask my crush if theres any chance in the future we'll be together or am i just setting myself up for heartbreak but I dont want to pressure him and risk losing him. I guess its weighing everything up and taking a leap of faith...

voyager 2 years ago

@Shygirl 16 This is a confusing situation... wow- you haven't seen him in 2 weeks... That is hard too! :( Sometimes the signs that someone is interested are hard to read, but often there is a "feeling..." What do you think, what is your gut feeling about him? Good luck!

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

@ missing him and voyager - I know!!!! This just flat out sucks. The constant ache. It's not getting better, but then it probably doesn't help that she feels it too.

I... don't know how to divulge this. We just had an extremely intimate chat on FB. One that according to her set her off multiple times. I don't know if that's true or not, because obviously wasn't really there. Oh man... I'm just flat out in trouble at this point.

@voyager only - I don't think a disclosure in your case would be a bad thing. The ideal situation would be to draw it out of him first if possible than let him know it's reciprocated. Gals are better at that than us guys.

@torn I get that - we talk about our possible futures all the time, but we're still with our spouses, and as long as that's a reality how much of a future can we have? I don't have the answers, but I wish I did. At any rate even if we wind up only being friends I'd guard that friendship fiercely and make sacrifices to keep it sacred. This girl has me and I don't know if she realizes how much yet.

voyager 2 years ago

@ Torn... well, I say it now, but I probably won't be able to do it.... who knows... we are so comfortable talking to each other, but I am shy to bring up really personal stuff..don't know where the line is. You are lucky that you have a way to contact your crush.... my crush jokingly said that I should have texted him when I needed to know how to do something around the house... I'm not handy that way and he is... but...ummm.... he never gave me his number... how would I text him? He has mentioned a couple of times that I should text him when I need something... does he really think he gave me his number?! Strange...

You got him to go shopping with you- awesome! :) Thanks for your best wishes!!! I will let you know how it goes if I am brave enough...

voyager 2 years ago

@notwhatiplanned WOW! You are so far ahead in this frustrating game! From your stories, I can see your situation possibly moving ahead quickly, especially if your wife is kind of on board with a possible separation. I know that you want to work it out, and are torn, but wow.... you and your crush.... !

How am I supposed to draw him out... do I take some of his joking suggestions and call him on them,- turn them into a serious discussion... or try to bring it up separately... I don't want to be the one laying it all on the line if he is uncomfortable... he is the one in the unhappy marriage, and really has more to lose... so hard.

@ everyone - I was at a Christmas party today and the conversation turned to a mutual friend who had left his marriage and started a relationship with a woman who had been interested in him when he was married.... well, you should have heard all the bashing, and name-calling for the 2 of them... guess they deserve each other, they are both scum of the earth etc, and everybody at the table, except me it seemed, had horrible things to say, and it really hit me.... I don't want to be "that husband stealing tramp" they were talking about or the "guy who just wants the next new thing and throws his wife away like trash.."! Wow- it was hard to hear, and I was kind of listening from "the other side"... wondering, but what if the first marriage wasn't happy, what if they both just fell in love with other people.... it doesn't make every second marriage, or new relationship after a failed marriage an evil thing.... I didn't say anything because I was kind of in shock.... and terrible timing since I planned to just confess my feelings soon to my crush.... not beg him to leave his wife, or sneak around behind her back or anything. This just made a hurtful confusing situation worse.... any advice?! :( I really cannot believe that we are all terrible people on here at all.... just confused and hurting.

anonimous girl 2 years ago

I´m so glad to know that I am not the only one. When I think about this i get the feeling that I am the worst person in the world...guess i am not !

Well i m gonna share my story too.

I m in a relashionship for a long time boyfriend is very kind , loyal...etc. But he has this *fases* that he can be the best bf in the world , and suddently he is a person that gets stressed with everything I say, starts to ignore me and speak with his friends instead of talking to me about it , and in worst cases he just has the need to break it up with me because *well i am sad of course at the moment , but instead of trying to fix it he only makes it worse. * So sometimes yes, he is a real kid.

4 years ago, I started to have classes . And my teacher..WOW yes he was super attractive and funny but normally i just don t care...i would just say hi!* and that s final!

But that didn t happened. I was new and I felt alone , and I wanted to me some friends...and with was this instant click you know?

Then time passed , and we have this routine , every night to speack to internet, at that hour. Sometimes it s just casual , others not as much..

One evening I hugged him. And there was a kiss....

Well at the time , I felt bad about my bf and I keep lying to myself *it didn t mean anything*....

But now 2 years have passed since that evening...

My bf is still the same. And now. I just can t deny it. I have a huge crush on this guy. He is married and now he has this beautifull daughter...

i always say that, it doesn t matter if you have kids. you will develp love for your kids but if your relashionship/marriage is broken... You shouldn t force what doesn t exist.

I fight so badly for my relashionship...But he doesn t even try...

After that kiss never happened again..

Well we still every single night. And sometimes I think that deeeeeep down he feels something. But of course , I woudln t dream to try to ruin his family , or to get my relashionship worst.

I am trying to forget him. But it s impossible. May be when i leave this city.. But I think...that now... he just has this place in my heart that will never leave.

Sorry about my bad english xD !

missing him 2 years ago

@voyager: last night I watched a drama. It was about a lady boss whose hubby had passed away recently and she is the one running the whole company. And there's this assistant a man who helped he manage the company as well. They work late night together, solving problems together, meeting customer/supplier/financier together, have later dinner/supper together and eventually doing everything together. This lady has 3 kids and mother in law at home. But she went business trips with this man alone. So there were gossips went around their place (as they are quite famous there) basically everyone literally know her. And one day the guy told her about the gossips he heard from his friends, and they went to the cafe that they always went to but it was closed. They sat outside the shop and the lady told him. "It is true that we always together but as a boss and staff relationship, nothing else. I'm maried with 3 kids and much older than you. Perhaps I shall introduce my niece to you. She's really pretty and good girl, everyone love her so much - you will too.. I think this will be the last time we have dinner together. Next time will be my niece who accompany you for dinner. Since the cafe is closed, I think I will just have to go back - my kids are waiting for me to go home. You better go home too.. I remember there's a shop near your house. Probably you can have your dinner there." And she took a cab and left. The scene strike my attention and I almost cried as I put myself in their shoes. Both the lady and the guy are feeling sad too... Its such a horrible feeling, that I believe we all can totally relate. Just sharing.

voyager 2 years ago

@ anonimous girl Welcome! Thanks for sharing your story- we are all here to listen. Some of us are trying to move on and forget our crushes, some are trying to see if there is a possible happy ending, and some of us don't know what to do... we are here to help each other. Thanks for joining- and good luck. Every situation here is similar, in a way. :) Welcome.

voyager 2 years ago

@ missing him Thanks for sharing! I don't think that I could have watched that... so sad.... I would have been imagining myself in their place as well the same as you were.... but sometimes drama, whether TV, movies or even books can be therapy and help us out, the same way music does... whatever helps, I guess, right? Whatever gets us through....

anonimous girl 2 years ago

ehehe thank you so much for listening! :)

Well I guess that my case is number 3 I really don t know what to do.

Trapped into a bipolar relashionship , with a big crush on my teacher that is a married man with a baby girl .... :/

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

woke up today to the crush having nuked her account. I have no clue what this means...freaking out a bit.

Torn 2 years ago

Things have moved up a gear for me today, I had a lengthy talk with my crush and he has been saying some pretty heavy stuff about his feelings and has been talking about how he would broach the subject of separation with his wife.. I am afraid that if he gives things up for me I wont be all he hoped for and he'll regret his decision, he assures me im worth it, if it gets to that point I really hope I am. The pressure is mounting as im totally head over heels for this man and I get the distinct impression from his intensive gaze and how he has been telling me today 'I love this and that about you' that his feelings have snowballed way beyond a crush too. My ex is desperately trying to reconcile things and I cant tell him about my crush and our feelings for each other however he did guess that I had feelings for this man, I gather I must have made it obvious, but I have only told him that its one sided and the other man knows nothing of my feelings as I dont want to hurt my ex any more than i have to and want to protect my crush and do not want any problems for him and his wife, ironic hey...

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

@voyager - Wife only brought it up because she thinks I've checked out. A lot of people think I've checked out. I'm still here aren't I? It's not that simple. Maybe she brought it up though because she'd rather I be the bad guy? I don't know. She was reading this book "fighting for your marriage" - and wants me to read it. So I will.

Meanwhile my worst fears were confirmed. The crush has decided the feelings are too intense and wants a near clean break. Today was heartbreaking and agonizing as I spent most of it pleading our case. All of that seemed to fall on deaf ears, then she came back and hugged me after almost everyone else had left. I kept keeping her there talking to her, and we hugged a few more times. I... I just don't know. I've told her we can just be friends, and I will never pressure her, make her do anything against her will, or let her do anything she'll regret later. Her claims of not being torn, well they're not true now...Obviously she still picks her husband over me. I get that. I'm not asking her to choose but she feels she needs to, and she feels we can't be friends because of our feelings. We swore we'd never run from each other but situations change. She's certain we'll wind up having an affair, and I keep telling her I will stop her if we get to that, and she's not ready. Yes, I added the not ready, because sadly if she was ready now I'd probably be having one. I can see how much it would eat her up inside though, I don't want that pain for her - ever.

Anyways things were better at the end of the day. She doubts we can pull this off. I just need her to have a little faith and not give up on us.

Today was the first time I heard the "in love" phrase and not just love. although I think I'm the one who said it, she just typed it out earlier.

Her eyes were so sad earlier. I'd be willing to do almost anything to never see them like that again.

AS for drawing your crush out - try the joking and calling him out on it. It was a sorta kinda similar thing for us. Oh man sometimes I miss those days from a couple months ago. So much easier. I know you can't control who you fall in love with but... well damnit, why can't this happen to us and us be single?

And lastly - people love to gossip, you know that. Heck we're all here because we're slowly becoming the subjects of gossip and since we need to vent somewhere, we found this little corner of cyberspace. Many of those people badmouthing that couple have darker skeletons in their own closets. I don't think 2nd marriages are a bad thing if they happen for the right reasons. Love is a pretty valid reason. Timing was bad, but who said love had great timing? NOT ME.

@anonimous girl - welcome, and don't worry, you're safe and among friends here. Yes these crushes are hard, and someone of them are unrequited. Others...not so much, which from personal experience makes things CRAZY. Moving out of town you say? Are you planning on it or is it just wishful thinking?

As for the boyfriend - if he's incapable of change, you should leave, regardless of whether or not there's a shot at your crush. Better to leave now than wake up married for several years because it just seemed like the right thing to do.

@missing him - I have no clue what you were watching but that is just awful! Yikes. I'd have been crying too.

@torn - well that is a fear. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. That being said, of COURSE the grass could be greener. Issues like this are an unknown. A lot of times people will make themselves out to be better than they are at the start of a relationship. It's human nature. Now once you start to see their flaws - ah that's when you know more about them. Sometimes flaws will actually make you fall even more in love...

Also no - you're trying to be the good gal here. You admitted your feelings, but he's still married and your ex is an unknown, who might decide to enact some sort of revenge and blow things up before time.

There's no easy answers here, for any of us. Even my own situation which seemed, well almost perfect, blew up in my face today. I'm just trying to pick up what pieces are left and see what I can make of them.

I'm sure tonight I'll wind up crying over her. But I have hope. Lots and lots of hope. I just believe in her.

happychrissy27 2 years ago

So a continuation:

So the update is that I had sent my crush a "breakup/sorry" email about how i never meant to hurt him, and that i hope we can get past this and if not, good luck and that I am sorry. (it was much lengthier but for the sake of his board, i shortened it)

Well, my crush emailed me back 10 minutes later, after I sent this breakup email and said that he accepts my apology but it wasn't necessary and that he wasn't feeling well that day and found out that it was the flu and was out for the rest of that week. He even said, that he just lost track of my email.

Silly me, not only do I feel embarrasssed b/c i basically told him how sorry i felt and how i never meant to hurt him and he NOW knows that I care about him!!!

Oh geez,no i feel somewhat strange b/c there is nothing that I can do about it now! He is still sick and I have been checking on him asking if he is okay and he is telling me how he is going to the doctor, and even emailing me when he is at home bc he didn't go to work, etc.. (again, we do not work together)

I think about him all the time and see his name EVERYWHERE, going shopping a checkout guy's name is his, i was looking to go to the movies and strangely, the movie title was his name, I ran into at the mall... hmm.. What to do?

missing him 2 years ago

@notwhatiplanned: sorry for your situation now. I can totally relate when everything seems so perfect and out if sudden your crush pulled back. The pain and agony is so....unbearable!!

Its like a glass of hope held happily in a little kid's hand being broken into pieces. Look at the positive side, there were little sweet memories that we shared : the hugs, the little quality time we spent together, the laughters and joy, the late night chats, the warm hand holding. All these remain in my heart forever. I wish he has the sane thinking as well. Yesterday was less agony for me as we chat the while day about every other stuff like a close friends. It feels like things has been reset to before I confess my feelings to him. The roller coaster ride has ended. Hopefully.

Its just how miracle to realise how vulnerable our feelings are based on our crush actions / decisions. It's just, wow! amazing to acknowledge the fact that how easily our emotions being affected and how does this in turn affect our daily life socially, performance at work, our sleeping pattern and appetite, constant mood swing, sudden crying especially at nights.

missing him 2 years ago

Sorry for the typo.

Out if sudden = of

Sane thinking = same

The while day= whole

And also I agree that we are all working adults not some teenagers who has a crush on the handsome guy / pretty girl in the science class next door.

missing him 2 years ago

@notwhatiplanned again:

I... I just don't know. I've told her we can just be friends, and I will never pressure her, make her do anything against her will, or let her do anything she'll regret later. Her claims of not being torn, well they're not true now...Obviously she still picks her husband over me. I get that. I'm not asking her to choose but she feels she needs to, and she feels we can't be friends because of our feelings

This is how exactly I was thinking as well. I don't mean to make him choose I just want to be his friend. Maybe for your case, she is feeling guilty to waste your time or to ruin your marriage when she doesn't mean to break hers to start a new with you. The feelings are mutual but the decision are not. Often the cases are timing issues. One is ready but another one is not. Have a blessed Christmas everybody! Glad to have you all as friends!!

voyager 2 years ago

@ everyone... so many big changes for people on here in the last couple of days... some good, some not. Well, if you want to feel better about yourself, I have a story for you... I am so embarassed to tell it, but I am a grown woman, so I have to face up to my stupid behavior.

I planned to tell my crush how I felt last night, so went out with another friend for a couple of drinks to get "courage"... yep, I bet you can see where this is going. So a couple of drinks turned into a LOT of drinks.. (normally I am a responsible mature adult but this situation is out of hand.) Anyway, friend goes home, and do I do the smart thing and just go home too?

No, of course not. I got talk to him anyway, at least I think I did, I do recall speaking to him at one point, then had a little nap, then talked again to someone, possibly him....I have not been this embarassed and ashamed of myself in a long time. I never get drunk like public... talking to my crush.

I don't remember anything I said to him, I don't remember leaving, I don't remember walking home, but I do remember falling into a snowbank briefly... that woke me up in a hurry. I do not blame any of you if you judge me and call me irresponsible, etc, because I feel it myself. I am so ashamed.

So, here we are the next morning, and I am too embarassed to ever face him or see him again. It will be so hard and I will miss him so much but I think I have to just cut clean and never see him again. Right now I am mostly sad about missing the friendship if I avoid him forever. So, take a lesson from me... drinking does not solve anything. It cost me a friend. Lesson learned. :( Don't do what I did friends.

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

@happychrissy27 - just take things one day at a time I suppose. It's all any of us here can do.

@missing him - yes, unbearable is the word. I told her yesterday it felt like she had ripped part of my heart out from my chest and stomped on it. At the same time that piece of my heart she has I want her to hold onto. I never meant for it to come to this, I didn't. If I could replay things backwards and fix them I would. I suppose all I can do now is wait. Wait and wish and hope. I never wanted her to choose (well not now anyways)'s not that I don't want to be with her. It's an impossible situation and I thought we were making the most of it. Why does it have to hurt so much???

@voyager - while last night was a bad idea all around for you, let's not be too hasty. Maybe things won't be as bad by the light of day as they seem now. Hang in there.

Hang in there everyone.

voyager 2 years ago

@notwhatiplanned I just re-read your post about your crush pulling back.. the pain of your situation is unimaginable... to be so close emotionally to her, yet not be able to be together, but still having that "understanding" that you don't want to cross the line into affair, but don't ever want to turn away from each other. Looking at it from my side, it is such a different situation than mine- you and your crush openly talk about the situation and both admittedly return the feelings, which makes it both easier and harder to deal with.... Neither one of you wants to hurt the other, or your respective spouses, but you are in love and can't bear to be away from each other, even though it makes you feel guilty- what an emotional HELL. I'm the last person to offer any advice right now, but I just wish there was something I could do to ease your pain.

And thanks for your words regarding my adventure in stupidity yesterday... I saw him today, he was driving his bus down the street I was on , and he slowed down and waved. I can't even look him in the eye right now, so I did the mature thing and pretended that I was texting and didn't see him.... This is ridiculous... I don't think I acted this consistently with bad judgment since 7th grade many decades ago...ridiculous...

@ missing him How is everything doing with you today? Glad to have you on here as a friend as well.

happychrissy27 2 years ago

Continuation from my post above 23 hours ago:

So yesterday, my crush emailed me that he was going to the doctor in the afternoon among other things and asked how i have was? So, naturally i emailed him a few hours later but and didn't hear back from him but knew he had left to go to his doctors appt. So normally he would reply back from my email from the day before which I was expecting but he didn't reply, which is VERY unusual!!

Today, I ended up 4 desks away from him while I was speaking with a male coworker about the coworkers kid who had pictures of his child. Yes, i was alittle loud to make sure that my crush would have heard me. Well, he did and stoop up and saw me, smiled and waived and then sat back down to let me know that he was there today and didn't call out sick. Well naturally, i went over to his desk to see how he was feeling since he went to get a catscan yesterday. Today, he is still not feeling well and was taking alot of aspirin but i am upset b/c he didn't email me back from yesteday.

On this board I had posted a message 23 hours ago, where I thought he was mad at me b/c of an email I had written a week ago but he said that he lost track of my email and that he was sick with the flu that week thats why he didn;'t email me back.

But get this, last Wednesday, he was home sick and I didn't know that b/c i had emailed him how he was feeling and he emailed me back from home that he was out sick that day.

So I know he is NOT feeling well but he knows how CRAZY I can get if I don't hear back from him, why would he not respond to my email from yesterday? I know that he had read my email b/c I had mention that i was going to florida next week and he wanted to know exactly where? Why wouldn't he email me back???

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

@voyager - Indeed. today was a completely different story. I thought maybe I had gotten to her, but she instead had said it's just so hard to stay away from someone that completes them. Yeah....might be corny, but made me melt. She has so much going on so I'm just being understanding as much as I can. She was hot and cold all day today. I've told her no matter what I am here for her. I love her. Gosh it feels good just saying it.

As for our understanding about not wanting to have an affair, it is an understanding but damn if it isn't hard at times. We manage, sometimes just barely. But we do. I don't know what tomorrow will hold.... so far this week has been some strange form of Russian Roulette. I'm scared to think what might happen next.

Now, as far as your situation - come on girl, for lack of a better way of putting it man up LOL. He clearly still wants to talk to you, so talk to him back, find out the scoop. Sometimes we actually find those drunken moments are adorable.

@missing him - how are things hon?

@happychrissy27 - I really can't make heads or tails of that situation. I wish I could. My advice is a clean break now before more investment is made. He doesn't sound worth it at all.

voyager 2 years ago

@notwhatiplanned So hopefully things for you aren't as bad as they at first seemed either. :) And corny sayings hold a lot of truth sometimes. It may not seem like it, but her being hot and cold is probably just a reflection of the intensity of her feelings- how hard this situation is. If she was too casual or easy-going about it, the depth of emotion would maybe not be there, if that makes sense. I love you is a powerful phrase, and I can imagine it would feel good saying it... maybe one day.

Just keep giving your crush the support, and the space to figure her life out. It sounds like you are doing all of the right things. You sound like a great guy and I hope there is a happy ending to this hell for all of you.

And haha, yes, you said it... I was thinking the exact same thing- I made a stupid mistake, but now I need to face up to it, and face up to HIM, and at the very least apologize, then walk away.I owe him that much.

So much easier now that I saw a friendly reaction from him today first before attempting to speak to him and apologize tomorrow. Hard to apologize when I don't know exactly what I said or did while I talking to him though, if you know what I mean... but that's my problem to figure out, not his.

I was thinking I may just get it all over with - apologize, then tell him how I feel, but that is a very big conversation to have all at once when I am feeling too ashamed of my behavior to look him in the eye. We'll see how it goes... :)

@Confused Guy - your advice is solid. If we love someone we do have to give them the emotional freedom to walk away without consequences, and hopefully they come back. Well said.

@happychrissy27 -That is a very unpredictable confusing situation. It is hard to know why people don't respond right away. Sometimes they do get busy, sick etc, but I think also sometimes they don't know how much you may be hoping to hear from them. I would just give him time and see how it works out. Good luck.

@missing him Where are you girl? Are you okay? Hope everything is all right with you. Hope you aren't back on the roller coaster.

happychrissy27 2 years ago


Thank you all for commenting.

I also wanted to add that while I was at his desk, he had a picture of him and a few people at a bar. I had asked him, oh you have a pix? He said thats me and my friends a few years ago. I know what his wife looks like and his wife's face was cut off in the pix, she wasn't in focus but he didn't even mention her at all! Again, weird right? Especially since i had brought up to him why he didn't have any pixs of his family-wife and kids at his desk, and that conversation brought me to this board weeks ago how I thought he was mad at me. Maybe he is really not just feeling well and was going to email me later that day but since he had got my attention, he knew that I would have come by to check on him.

OH and the fact that my friends, friend and him knew each other, we could have met years ago(10 years) before he met his wife, got married and had kids, he said small world(which i had told him first in an email). hmmm... I am sure he might have thought of what life would have been with me if we had met before?

voyager 2 years ago

@happychrissy 27 Well, I think all of us on here have wondered at one point about an "alternate " reality or universe where we are with our crushes! :)

voyager 2 years ago

@notwhatiplanned Well, I took your advice- I got the courage to go back and talk to him, keeping your words in mind. It worked- thanks so much. There were a couple of awkward seconds when I just said I was sorry, he shrugged and said "don't worry, we're all good." Then after a couple of hesitant minutes on my part we went right back into talking like we normally do about everything from life issues, to music to cars, to sports, work, future etc... So, the friendship at least is intact, and he was even joking as usual about other personal stuff, so my big life mistake could have been much worse. Thanks for giving me the push I needed.

How are things with you and your crush today? Much like yesterday? How are you doing?

jadelola 2 years ago

@voyager Nice to read that your crush is still friends with :) Not easy when we think they are mad at us.

My crush noticed my new top the other day. Commented that it was nice. He teases me all the time...he can't be nice to me more than a few seconds...he has a new thing now that he calls me Fiona sometimes just to get me mad. Today, we went for lunch with some other guys. We were talking and I was saying how my crush always calls me ugly. So the one guy asked him if he means it so he said of course not and turned to me and said to me u know i don't mean it...we love you. He doesn't call me ugly...just Fiona sometimes. It's not the first time that he told me doesn't mean it and i know he thinks I look fine. Also, we go to work with my company car...he drives the car and for the past week he takes the keys with him..what does that mean? Does he just feel comfortable? I don't mind it at all...i kinda like it for a strange reason.

missing him 2 years ago

@friends: thanks for your concern :) I'm just kinda tied up with work etc. Will drop by again to comment :) basically I won't be seeing him until the end of Christmas. But I feel less agony nowadays as we chatted like friends on Monday (which is the last day I'm seeing him until end of Christmas).

@ConfusedGuy 2 years ago

@ notwhatiplanned and my other @Friends ,

Why is a woman's mind tough to read??????? After reading @notwhatIplanned's posts, I was thinking I shouldn't be crossing any line or anything. We all think we shouldn't hurt our crush's feelings or life though we are hurting ourselves without a non stop thought about them. I felt that she was withdrawing away from me for some days.

So I stopped meeting her but needless to say couldn't stop thinking about her. While I hurt myself struggling to stay away from her for the last 2 days, she comes to me to meet me renew my feelings.

After that I am like a dog around owners feet.....

voyager 2 years ago

@jadelola I'm not a guy, so no expert, but I have heard that teasing is a good sign...? Here's hoping!

@missing him Great to hear you are okay- we look forward to hearing how things are going with you when you have time. :)

@ Confused Guy - well, I think it does go both ways.. :) I find guys hard to read some times too, but I do think that often a gut feeling will lead the way... I think that both men and women both struggle at times to "read the others mind", sometimes successfully, other times not. That is the beauty of the this forum- we can support and help each other and try to help interpret "signs" . Sometimes things are obvious to one person, but not other etc... Either way, good luck, and I am sure that we will all help out. :)

@ everyone- thanks for being here, it means A LOT. Best wishes to you all.

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

@voyager - GREAT! I'm glad you did and see - things are fine! Most adults are much better at handling the random odd drunken text/call.

I am so happy for you!

So as for me - right now sex talk is a no fly zone after our conversation this weekend which almost lead to her cutting me out. Not because she didn't enjoy it, but due to guilt. I get it. At the same time it's kind of disheartening, not because I only want that, but she likes to engage in that sort of thing, quite often. Any time things have ratcheted up, it's been because she was doing it, and eventually I respond in kind. I now have to make a conscious effort to stop her altogether out of fear of losing her. Oh well. I get it. I'm the older one here by 10 years, and apparently I need to regulate us for now. Hell I had to shave today simply because apparently my stubble is "too sexy" for her. I wish I was making that up LOL. But it's still one hell of a compliment and makes me feel, well, amazing. Being told I need to be less sexy because I can't be resisted? Yeah consider my ego stroked.

As for today overall though, yes we told each other we love each other and started doing some future fantasizing again - at the same time, no I haven't given up at home yet, and neither has she, though the last several days she's having a really rough go of it. I don't want to say the guy IS cheating, but all signs are starting to point to it. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt...again I'm not going to be the bad guy here... but a lot of what he is doing is shady as hell. She went with me to grab lunch, where 2 days ago she said she couldn't even be alone with me. So yes, today overall was awesome. I just need to keep on guard. I don't want to hurt her, and I don't want her hurting herself.

Biggest of irony's if we manage not to cheat and our spouses are doing it anyways, right? I guess the upshot is if that was true...well no reason for us NOT to be together. But seriously - in what universe would anything be that easy?

Happychrissy27 - I'm convinced at this point your dude is a player. Just be careful. I wish I could say otherwise. I really do. I just see this guy as looking as only out for one thing. I hope I'm wrong for your sake.

@jadelola - yes. I would say he feels comfortable, and in a way is assuming the traditional man role in your relationship. I prefer to be the one holding the keys, the one driving. I've even explained this to the crush (among other people) - the gal can be the passenger, I'm perfectly fine with that. I prefer it actually. Especially when it's night or the weather is bad. Also the teasing is a really good sign.

@missing him - glad to see you're still around! Also glad things are good, though I do know the absence has to suck. I know the weekends are hard because she's not around. It'll be worse this coming weekend because she's deleted her FB account so we can't chat. Bah. Oh well I suppose there's still texting/emailing but I always feel like that's over stepping, and not as private.

@confused guy - it's not that simple. She withdrew two times, one after a really lengthy car conversation where she ended it with biting my neck, I think had I physically responded we would have had sex that night but I wanted to stop things...needless to say her guilt got the best of her and wanted to stop being close to me. It didn't last. This past weekend we had an intimate conversation on FB which she enjoyed, more than once, if you get my drift. On Monday after she nuked her FB she said she didn't even think she could be my friend anymore. So I am trying to tow the line. I love her and don't want to even think of a world without her. It's weird. I get it though, she's torn and she said on Monday if she had to choose right now she'd choose her husband. Sadly... her husband is doing all he can to push her into my arms. As much as it would pain me, I wish he'd wake the fuck up and realize how amazing she is. Would it suck for me? Yeah, it would. But I want her happy first and foremost. If it means with him so be it. If it's with me, down the road...well then I will spend every day letting her know how amazing she is. Now as for why it's tough to read a womans mind? Well if I had the answer I wouldn't be where I'm at now, would I? A womans heart is a chamber of secrets that takes a lot of time and effort to unlock each and every door.

@everyone - this seriously has helped a lot having this little corner of cyberspace. At some point I think I'll share this with my crush. She sometimes has trust issues with I'm not genuine in my feelings. I hope this helps and doesn't scare her away. We've shared a lot of secrets with each other that almost no one knows...stuff neither of our spouses know. I...I don't know. I still don't know if my future is with her, but I'd like it to be.

@Anonymous 2 years ago

I am glad, I found this forum....

Quick question for you all ladies in this forum... (though may sound unrelated but please believe me I have a reason to ask)...

Why would a woman walk with her arms folded while walking together with a man? It looked so weird !!!

jadelola 2 years ago

@ConfusedGuy- we are hurting everyday by having strong feelings for someone unavailable. I personally have a hard time with it...friends told me not to talk about him to them to try and get over him and not to hang out with him...but it's hard and it won't come from me either...he makes me laugh and i love being around him even with his constant teasing.

@notwhatiplanned - i know what i am going to write isn't nice but what's great about this post is that we are all in the same boat and don't judge - i don't want my crush to be hurt but i wouldn't be the saddest person on earth if his wife would have an affair and they would get a divorce...i know i's mean to say and i have never said that aloud to my closest friend either. It's a nice feeling when our crush pays attention to us. In my case I don't know how he truly feels about me besides- i only know that he really likes me as a person (if he only knew my thoughts about his marriage) but in your case you know...yea good for your ego :)

About the teasing-he does sometimes ask me if i am offended and he wants to make sure i know he doesn't mean anything bad and always tells me that i am great...yesterday at lunch with 2 other guys he told me 'we love you' :)

I am looking for a job...unfortunately my department is probably closing within a few months...i told him that i am going to send my cv to the place where he works and where i worked first he said teasingly...i don't do that to me...i am not feeling well. But, yesterday he actually told me to send my cv and today looked over it. I think that although he teases me that he can't wait for me to leave he will in fact miss me...i hope

@Anonymous -don't know- i don't walk near my crush with arms folded or for that matter I never walk with my arms folded. I think folded arms is a sign of insecurity. Maybe others will have more insight.

voyager 2 years ago

@notwhatiplanned Nothing wrong with enjoying a little ego stroking... we are human after all! I think you are right to proceed cautiously at this point- you both know each others feelings, and it may be better in the short term to cut out the sex talk than to risk losing her altogether. You had one scare like that already, and don't think you want to go through that again. Maybe your future with your crush will end up being decided by the other spouses, so less guilt on your part and hers. Hang in there!

@ Anonymous - is it possible that she was just cold? Usually folded arms are a sign of being closed for some reason as far as I know.

@ anyone... While I was talking for an hour to my crush today he told me about this woman he knows in Europe who keeps asking him to come over there and be with her.... She would support him, let him live in her house, etcWhat is this?!? Not only does he have a wife , but another woman actively pursuing him?! I am trying to figure why he kept talking about this- if he doesn't know how I feel about him, was he just looking for advice? If he DOES know how I feel about him, ... why would he do that? He is not a mean person, but maybe it was his way of telling me in a subtle way that he already has enough women interested in him and not to waste my time? He is always SO nice to me , I can't imagine that he would have kept on about it if he knew how much it was hurting me... any insight?! Thanks

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

I will get to everyone later...

So I wound up sharing this with the crush today - she will either read it all tonight and freak out....or she won't. I really hope it's the 2nd option.

@ConfusedGuy 2 years ago

@ notwhatiplanned - Dude...You rock and you are lucky...

To the crush of @ notwhatiplanned - Please say YES to him :) ....eventually.

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

@jadelola - I get that, I do. I want so much for her to be happy... so while yeah, I have those kind of selfish thoughts. I try and only have them in private...course now if she actually starts reading this... yikes. WHY DID I SHARE THIS.

Also while he hasn't revealed to you his feelings, it's pretty obvious they are there. Good luck :).

@voyager - LOL yeah, it is nice. She's so much more than that though - (not that I mind it of course). But yes, I can't... I can't go through that again, not right now. So kibosh on that sort of thing for now. It's kinda creeping back in, so the current boundary is not getting descriptive. I can work with that.

As for the idea of them both finding someone else...there are some suspicions, I honestly didn't have my own until recently. Random hours, a lot of texting...but it's pretty out in the open so I'd imagine if she was she'd be more secretive... of course I've never been the kind to read other peoples texts so she probably could do it out in the open with impunity. (She was tonight after we both went to the gym). She's taking someone home tomorrow night and said she'd be home after midnight, sounds legit to me for the most part - except she usually isn't the type to do that (the other night she made me do it instead), and I know she doesn't like driving at night...funny how the wife and the crush both share the night driving thing.

From what I gathered earlier, the Crushes husband was stepping it up tonight, that's good. She needs that. I'll know more later but if nothing else she deserves a good night.

@confusedguy - LOL, thanks for the vote of confidence but no pressure. I've sworn to her time and time again I will never ask for more than she can give, I will not make demands, and I will not pressure her. I don't expect us to wind up together overnight, and if anything is to happen it will be a while from now. The holidays are rough, we're going through so much, I think both of us want to hang on until after and see where we're both at. Our feelings are genuine, but maybe they're intensified via stress and our situations? I don't know. I'm probably rambling. At any rate just doing day by day - and happy as can be when I can be near her.

happychrissy27 2 years ago


I'm curious? What makes you think he is a player? What am I not seeing?

happychrissy27 2 years ago


He's never mentioned anything about an intimate relationship or anything of that nature.. Our conversations has always been about what each others hobbies are, what he and I like to do on the weekends, where we have been or traveled to, etc? I mean the guy is still sick. He ended up getting a catscan a few days back.

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

Ohhh man. If I just read my crushes text's correctly....she outed us to her husband. Mind = blown at this point. Do I need to do the same? Was it really her husband fishing for info? Has he already sent a message to Tab? She had just said on Monday she felt she had to choose and was choosing him - does this mean she's coming clean so she can not talk to me anymore? I had her yesterday if she ever felt like just coming out with it and she told me she honestly has never felt that way. I do from time to time but I figure since we have no clue yet where any of this is heading, and still are trying to work on our marriages it doesn't make sense to do so. Has she just decided she doesn't want to work on her marriage anymore? I have a million questions right now and it's far too late tonight to get any answers. My heart and mind is racing. I don't know what to think. I don't know. I just don't know!

jadelola 2 years ago

@happychrissy27 - you meant @notwhatiplanned .

@notwhatiplanned -if your crush decided to chose you over her husband will you end your marriage for her? If your crush wasn't in the picture do you think you and your wife stood a chance?

Your story is developing at a very fast pace...can't keep track of it :)

I think my crush has gone bananas....he now has a new idea...that i will video myself in the shower and hum...Yesterday, he kept on talking about it and saying it will be funny and i think imaging what it would look like. For a guy in his mid-thirties who is very intelligent and excellent at his job and a family guy he can act like he is still in high school..esp around me. Just for the kicks of it coz i know he doesn't expect it i really do want to take a video in the shower...of course without revealing anything..maybe an arm :) ... any humorous ideas? Seriously...where does he come up with such ideas??

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

@voyager - somehow last night I completely glossed over your last part there. I... I don't have any words for my reaction really. I would assume at this part he has to know how you feel. Maybe he was testing the waters? Seeing you you'd react? Maybe that person is made up and it's you he's talking about, but has changed all the details? Or maybe that is a real situation and he can't make heads or tails of it either. Did he say he had any feelings for this person? Was it jsut brought up casually?

@jadelola - you and I both! I think I have things figured out and can settle in and something else comes along! She had just basically chose him over me, and again, I would expect that. Now the revelation has occurred. I feel like a fuse has been lit. I'm trying to not just throw in the towel on 18 years...lose what basically has become my family (only people left on my side that I ever talk to is my Sister, and my vagrant brother whom I haven't seen in years), and of course Mikey. It's just so damned complicated. At any rate I don't know if that's what my crush is wanting or expecting, I'll know in a few hours.

If it wasn't for the Crush would the wife and I stand a chance? Probably less of one to be honest. I know that sounds weird. But the crush has made me realize a lot of things and helped me start asserting myself more. Maybe not enough, and maybe it won't matter, but at least I started addressing issues instead of just walling myself off completely. When there is no communication - that's when a relationship dies, I think.

I was not expecting this - not yet anyways. I've got about a month or so before I can be sure my head is screwed on completely straight. She has her own issues that need worked out. We'll see. This could be the start of the most amazing story ever written, or the start of a Greek Tragedy.

As for the showe/hum request - what an odd request, but at the same time while he kept joking about it, when a guy jokes about something more than once (like that) odds are they want to see if you will do it or try it.

Totally get the high school thing - I'm in my mid 30's as well and yes, around my Crush it's like I'm 16. Anyways everyone cross your fingers. I think my bumpy ride of a week is far from over.

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

well apparently the text wasn't meant to say what it did? Interesting. A million emotions had flooded over me at once. I was both happy and scared at the same time, does that even make sense?

Also she is reading through these - so far so good, nothing has alarmed her and most of it I'm sure I've said to her face. Needless to say gang if I don't post as much you know why :). Maybe they should make a lifetime movie out of this...

voyager 2 years ago

@notwhatiplanned - wow - your story is moving at a hectic pace! Don't forget to breathe.... :) Hoping it works out well! Happy and scared at the same time makes perfect sense. :)

notwhtaiplanned 2 years ago

@voyager - it occurs to me if I want to even pretend to keep a semblance of anonymity I should change my handle, but then if I really wanted that I wouldn't have told her about this site in the first place, right?

Today was great, really really great. I don't know quite else how to put it. Chatted all day, play fought a bit, we grabbed lunch together, and of course wound up doing almost the exact same thing while we were out as each other... we're just cut from the same cloth.

She took me home, though I did try and get her not to. Not because I didn't want her to. God no, I love spending every single second with her - but because she was feeling tired, stressed, and worn down. I think she may be getting sick (again), and it was raining, AND it was dark out.

She refused to hear any of that in her words she wants to take care of me. Of course I stated the same, and she said I do. Sometimes she has a way of me feel like a hero, even when she's the one doing the saving.

Anyways we talked outside my house for a while (kind of habit at this point), and then off she went. I did tell her to text me when she got home (again I worry, she says it's a fault that one can love though so yay me!), we had a cute little exchange, and that about caps my week off.

Essentially we're back where we were prior to last weekends moments, and I'm happy about that. She did express some lingering doubts about me. I get it. Trust is a hard thing...for both of us. I keep telling her I have no clue what the future holds, but I will continue to do everything I can to prove my feelings for her are genuine, and aren't going anywhere.

There was some tense moments earlier in the day - she knows about my disclosure to a mutual friend and that upset her. I know why. I do, I get it. We're a tight knit group, and that can spell trouble. I know our mutual friend enough to know that's not an issue. My crush was also worried about judgment being passed on her - again I assured her that's not the case. It's not - our mutual friend isn't that kind of person, and assured me that feelings are not something you can control. I beat myself up about it for a while until I just embraced them.

Now just need to ride out the weekend, try and be a good man at home, and see what next week brings. I think from a work perspective next week might be absolute hell, so the crush and I will need each other more than ever.

Hope she has an amazing weekend either way :). With her profile down we can still communicate, but one avenue is blocked off. I might email her later tonight. (Gotta remember to be a gentleman if I do).

Thanks everyone for the read and the support. Like I said today was just flat out GREAT - hoping for many more of them to come.

missing him 2 years ago

@friends: checking in here. I think i've missed out a lot. Gosh, hope I can make it to reply to everyone :) went for brunch and movie date with my bf. Things were fine today, I still miss my crush especially when I'm seeing parents with small kids in the mall - I would immediately think of him and his family.

voyager 2 years ago

@notwhatiplanned Don't take this the wrong way, because I know your situation is extremely difficult and painful, but I am certainly kind of jealous at the same time that you KNOW your feelings towards your crush are reciprocated, and you can talk about it openly with her. So happy for you too!!, and best wishes for many more great days ahead! :)

@missing him Great to hear from you- yes, alot has been going on around here... :) Glad that you had a good day- and yes, there are things EVERYWHERE to remind us of our crushes, music, TV shows, Dads with kids. ;) Hope you are doing well.

jadelola 2 years ago

@notwhatiplanned - i feel like @voyager does about your situation. I understand your situation is very difficult but at the same time you must be very happy to know how your crush feels.

A while ago my crush had an idea that me and him sign up for the Amazing Race. I went along with it...didn't take him seriously until we really did apply. That was a few months ago. Today he received an email with the application link and told me to fill out the forms...i was surprised. I am sure that we won't get in and even if we do there is no ways his wife will let him go with me...but isn't it surprising that he wants to proceed with it?

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

@ Voyager - not taking that the wrong way at all. I love her, she loves me - it's amazing and wonderful and when we are together time, space, everything stands still and just lets us be.

Then the real world comes back and bites us in the ass... so yes that does suck but at the same time I wouldn't trade how I feel when I'm with her for anything. Regardless of the conflict... it also feels more and more the universe is actually pulling for us. Might just be my imagination though.

@jadelola - again no offense taken and yes, I'm ecstatic it's mutual. The way she looks at me, or laughs, or will sit there and talk, how we have the same corny sense of humor, how she hugs me... oh man yes it is wonderful, absolutely wonderful regardless.

I would fill out the paperwork if I were you. Fate may have a way of working itself out but it does like a push now and then. Let's not put the cart ahead of the horse though - fill it out, see if you two get in, and then see how the wife reacts. Maybe things aren't as nice at home as they seem? Or maybe you two are just going to be the best of friends? Again, take things one step at a time.

voyager 2 years ago

@ConfusedGuy I will try to help you if I can, but I am in the exact same position as you- my crush and I talk a lot about everything, including his marriage, but I still have no idea if we are "just friends" or if he could be feeling the same way at all. *NO* clue... so many mixed signals...

If it helps, this is what I do around my crush- does yours do these things? if so,probably a good start.- when we are together I can ONLY look at him, I wouldn't even notice if the world was falling down around us. I am glued to him with my eyes and ALL of my attention. I want everyone and everything else to GO AWAY. :)

I try to help him out in whatever little ways possible. I smile A LOT! I laugh at all of his jokes, even if he has told them to me before. I am always finding little innocent ways to touch him, and he does to me.... touch a hand , or pat an arm etc. We also have never had the chance to hug yet... :( :(

I try to stay around him as long as possible whenever possible. Basically I am just like a magnet to him- stay as long as possible as much as possible. I agree with @notwhatiplanned when he said "it's amazing and wonderful and when we are together time, space, everything stands still " etc..

How does your crush act around you? laughing, smiling, telling you personal stuff about her life etc? I don't know about other women, but (with the exception of here where I pour my heart out to strangers!) ;) I usually reserve the personal sharing to guys that I feel a deep connection to..

Maybe my behaviour and feelings aren't universal, but does any of it sound familiar for your crush?

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

@ConfusedGuy - I know Voyager and I answered this about a week ago?

You have to view her actions as a whole, other than that maybe slowly push the envelope to determine things? If I'm right you haven't even hugged yet, correct?

Side note - no FB did NOT stop us from chatting today (via text), which I loved. I did almost panic earlier with worry when I found out she was texting while driving - I told her to stop because I could not afford to lose her, and she did, and also took what I said if not to heart, at least respected my wishes and didn't get upset. She also shared more personal details/memories regarding christmas family traditions and I found them adorable.

Some fighting on the home front but not a lot since apparently it was going to be avoided...seriously if felt like I had to repeat myself 20 times today with the wife about things I had already said and gone over. Her listening skills are getting worse, not better. The hell? Oh well at least we went to the gym tonight. Time for a bomber of something nice and then drift off to sleep.

Anon 2 years ago

Hi, nice forum.

I've read most of the thread from the beginning and the evolution of this has been interesting. I think my crush and I are older than most here, 60 and 51. Both pretty content in our marriages, he with adult children and a couple little grand kids. Me with kid ages 21, 16&12. He's an interim supervisor, but second in command of our small agency. I worked in the lab above his office before having to be transferred to the reception desk because my boss was abusive. Now that she has retired 10 months later (not really by choice, but what comes around goes around) I will apply for a FULLTIME position in the lab.

My plan is to tell my boss that I am very uncomfortable at the desk either a) because I an obsessed with him and need him to be out of sight and therefore out of mind. So please expedite the recruitment process or b) that I am obsessed with one of the may officers who submit evidence to our agency for testing, so please expedite process. On Friday I told him I may quit if I don't get the lab position. Question #1 how could i describe this obsessIon with him so he will be flattered instead of concerned for my emotional frame of mind ( I have been crying on weekends and after I received an email from him that he would be back late from his VACA)? And #2, which would be the better thing to say, a or b and why? This has been going on for 10 months now and I can't take it anymore. I never meant to become this crazy about it, but I allowed myself to indulge in a lot of fantasies about him while having frequent sex with my husband, and now if I don't see him, I have withdrawal symptoms. I wouldn't mind continuing this as a friendship, but am not sure i could do it without emotional repurcution. However, I must say that although I am deeply affected, it is more by what I imagine him to Ben, because his revelations have been rather limited. Being a veteran police chief in a smallish town, I can tell most of what he presents is out of habit of years and years of guarded posturing. However, What i do know about him is that he is highly intelligent and rather unusual. I am completely fascinated by him. He has become more and more attractive to me as the months have rolled by. I am sure he can tell my interest by the way my eyes glaze over when they meet his for more than a moment or two. Even if he shares my interest, he would never act on it as he is WAY too professional to ever do something so stupid. I just need to get him out of my head so I can get my life back. Laying around Thinking about him day and night is unfair to my children who still need me.

WifeyStyle profile image

WifeyStyle 2 years ago from Atlanta, GA

Married means off limits, its okay to have a crush on someone as long as it is like a celebrity know it will probably not happen. One thing for everyone to consider...if he will cheat with you he will cheat on you. period..

voyager 2 years ago


Welcome to our little corner of the world. We are all in the same situation here, so age, location, gender etc -nothing matters except that we are here to help and support each other while we sort our situations and hearts out.

I may be reading your question wrong, but are you planning to request the position in the lab based on your crush? I mean, is that how you are going to say it, or just think it in your head, and the transfer request is all that he will hear?

You have also asked a very good question that I think many people including me would love to know the answer to- how to tell our crushes how we feel without making it sound like we want to have an affair, which I think it is the general agreement that none of us want an affair- we either just want them to know, or maybe some day in the future if they are free to perhaps pursue a relationship. How do we let them know without scaring them completely away from the friendship with the intensity of our feelings... I don't know the answer. I am struggling with wanting to tell my crush soon too because it is killing me inside. I really feel that if I can just TELL him I will feel better. But I don't want to disrespect his marriage, and I don't want to scare him away from our friendship.

I completely relate to what you said about never meaning to get this crazy about them, indulging in fantasies, and having withdrawal symptoms- I could have written that myself, it is so exactly how I feel.

You said his revelations have been limited- so there has been no direct dialogue between you about the situation? You are just trying to let him know so that you can get him out of your head and move on back to your regular life, am I right? If so, well.... if you find the answer, let me know! :) I'm dying inside here, much the same situation as you, and I can't take it anymore. Whoever invented the expression "out of sight, out of mind", is certainly not in MY head. I would do anything to get him out of my head and worse, my heart if we can never be together. I wish feelings had an OFF switch. Best of luck, maybe other people will have better advice. In the meantime, welcome to heartbreak corner here.

@Wifey Style Life is so complicated, and you are probably right about the cheating thing. I don't think anyone here wants or plans to do that- we just need support and understanding while we navigate the heartbreak minefield. A safe place to share our pain. :)

Torn 2 years ago

I visit this forum nearly every day as it really does keep me sane knowing that many other people are muddling through the same torment. Even though this page is anonymous it still takes courage to express these feelings about ourselves to strangers and I commend all of you who have shared as it really does help us all out.

@Anon I absolutely empathise with all youve said. Its almost like your feelings and heart has been taken hostage and theres absolutely nothing you can do to stop it. Not seeing them makes it worse, seeing them makes it worse. As the original article stated I think in many cases its a matter of riding it out. The problem is what if the feelings NEVER go away or fade. I have no idea why this is happening to us all but I do know that feeling totally in love while painful because we cannot be with that person, it is equally a wonderful euphoria which we should treasure as it is rare. I cannot advise as I dont have the answer but we are here to support you and each other with no judgement so please take comfort in that at the very least.

voyager 2 years ago

I can't stop crying today. Normally I am a strong person, but this has brought me to my knees. I would never try and steal him away from her, but I don't want to know a life without him. I can't stay and I can't walk away. My heart is breaking into pieces.

Anon 2 years ago


My heart goes out to you. Remember that a higher power loves you! Even if you are atheist, how can one deny the intelligence of this universe! (Although we are often muddled and can't see that.) I can't remember if you have a family or husband at home, but if not, OMG, my heart especially goes out to you! I am crying for you now! Even though I feel so guilty that I am pretty much ignoring them ( this is a form of abuse. I can't remember what it's called). You remind me how thankful I am to have them as a distraction. How ridiculous is that! My family is my distraction from my crush. Pathetic.

But anyway voyager, try to turn some of the love you have for him to yourself. Cuddle up with some warm cocoa and a favorite book, eat some spinach salad and imagine it strengthening and healing you from the inside -out. Kinda like Pop-eye the Sailor Man, but the female version ya know. Try to love yourself and realize there are wonderful things out there for you although he personifies everything wonderful in the universe. Try to feel our support here. We will try to be here for you since he can not. We are with you.

voyager 2 years ago

@ Anon Thank you so much- your kind words do help. (And I am divorced, but have 2 adult children, so they are off living their own lives.) I have been on my own for a while and much preferred it over my unhappy marriage, but I have been so humbled by this experience.

I am strong, happy and independent normally, but my world is upside down since I met my crush. His friendship and kindness are blessings and curses at the same time. Why? Why did I meet him, and fall for him so hard, if I can never be with him. I can't make sense of this. It's like a cruel joke. This is torment. It hurts so much. I'm not strong enough for this.

Thank you so much for listening.

Anon 2 years ago


At this point, that particular lab position or leaving the agency seem to be the only options. One of the reasons I want to tell him is that he may be able to think of something else. But I am ready to leave. I've invested 4 years and have been unable to secure a position that compensates me appropriately for my qualifications. I fought it because there is a lot of favoritism there and I thought I could turn them around, but I ned to face the facts. If I can't get hired in the lab I worked in and where I already know how to do 25% of the job, right or wrong, it ain't happening there. Scary at 51. I may never work in my field at the level I left at after my 20 year hiatus being an at home mom. But they are really not paying me enough to put up with this agony or several others I have put up with during this transfer.

I did read somewhere that if it doesn't subside in a few months, it probably won't and the only solution is likely separation. I am thinking this is addiction. Don't you kind of feel like you are in withdrawal today?

He is my direct supervisor and directs all hiring and firing in the agency. So he needs to know when jobs will be vacated. I told him Friday I may quit if I don't get the full-time. He was very kind and discussed it with me and helped me explore it further.

I just haven't told him bout. Crushing cause I was hoping it would go away and because it would be professional suicide probably, but I am ready to go, so okay!

I think I have figured out how to tell him in a very non-threatening way. I also know he is hurting. His job really sucks. He thought it would be semi-retirement but it is killing him. His is in an all-consuming and thankless job, and he told me with more conviction than ever that he's probably retiring soon. He feels old and defeated, but he is not. This is just a time in his life where he needs to accept his energy level is not what it was, and that's good! Except he doesn't know how to relax!

I think I can tell him and boost his ego a bit. It won't be lying. He,s friggin smokin' hot and should know it. It's not his fault I have this romantic obsession with him. He has conducted himself in the best manner possible,. although I wish he seemed more interested in a friendship, it is probably much better this way. Of course he knew it would be. He couldn't give me what I would want from a friend of his caliber anyway. Like I said, "he be the bomb!" He usually knows best, but I've been right about some things and we've locked some serious horns( oh so fascinating... Some romantic tension too...ahh..)

At first I thought this was great ! The energy I got, weight lost, appearance improved. Hey I'm in menopause and yet am oozing sex appeal and alive as hell! Life can not be over if I feel this way!. My sex life and vitality can not be ending if I feel this way! I will try to remain cognizant of what I've gotten out of this. Problem is, I need something interesting to move on to. That's probably why all this started in the first place. I'm a bit of an adrenaline junky and a crazy unpredictable person. So a foray into a possible relationship with a fascinating, genius of a powerful man who is out of my league seemed like a fun mental fantasy at the time. But anyway voyager, I will write out on here what I will be saying to boss man, and you can let me know what you think! Take care of yourself today please!

@highhopes 2 years ago

So pleased I found this site. It's a real comfort to know that I'm not alone in this.

My story is similar to most here. But I suppose rather than writing about the object of my obsession here (I could go on and on......6 month old crush, strong and often painful and I realise futile), wanted to focus on perhaps a few positives of being on the grip of an all-encompassing crush/obsession.

Firstly, for the first time in my life I have embarked upon a regular exercise regime. 100% started so I can look my best for him, but the benefits are that I feel better than usual and others have commented that I look well.

Secondly when in positive mode I have motivation and energy to do more. I have started writing a book which is a release for the feelings and really helps the pain. I agree that music helps too, listening to music and playing an instrument.

Well two positives anyway! Of course lots of negatives too.

So many wise words here. I totally agree with the comment that you shouldn't tell people about your crush. Most folk are judgemental about it and as someone commented, friends may see you as a threat to their marriages. I made the mistake of confiding in a couple of friends and wish I hadn't.

I think that my crush started due to a realisation that I am not happily married and had put a brave face on it for years. It's all very well for happily married folk to tell you that you 're being foolish or to try to 'rekindle' (hate that word!) things. I am certainly not an affair kind of person although would never judge those who find themselves in that position. Not everyone can feel totally fulfilled in their marriage and I envy those who are. People writing here seem sincere and heartfelt and not serial adulterers out for fun and self-gratification at the expense of others. That would be another site I'm sure!

I would advise people to cover their tracks when researching their crush online. I've done a lot of that.....another positive could be getting a job in detective work !

That's all I have to say for now but I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to post here. The comments have helped me a lot.

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

phew - day drinking is always a bad idea. Always.


@anon - welcome to the boards. As Voyager put it earlier, we're all in the same boat here... don't worry about age/gender/religion/ anything like that. Also simply put the heart wants what the heart wants. I don't think any of use expected to be in this situation but it is what we is and we deal as best we can. Take strength in knowing you're not alone. I'm not sure how to advise you at this point - as you put it revealing would be professional suicide and while you're ready to go, you're not. Not quite yet anyways. I'll be following along to your story to see where it leads.

@voyager - I'm so, so very sorry today is that hard on you. I haven't cried yet today, I fear if I keep drinking I will though. I don't know why? I just kinda feel like it today. Wife and I have barely spoke the past few days, and when we do, it's like she just has forgotten everything I've said. I'm not respected, I'm not the man around the house... I... I don't know who I am here. A housewife? Someone who just keeps things together so she can ignore everything else? Whatever, packed her lunch, sent her on her way to work, where she will be with a guy who she's starting to talk about all the time - so maybe she has her own crush now too. Anyways this guy was way too sick to work so she picked up his shift, now she's driving him home tonight even though he probably shouldn't be at work. I don't begrudge the ride. I honestly don't. I'm thankful enough my crush will do that for me (about once a week). It just seems all so sudden on her end... a lot of things are starting to fit into place and I'm trying to ignore them.

My crush, God bless her heart- is having a good day I think. Honest heartfelt communication with her hubby. I cheer for her happiness, but yeah, I wish it was me that was making her happy. Oh crap she can read this. Again, this is why day drinking is a bad idea. I should have gone and taken a nap when I told her I was. No... no it's good for her. I just worry, this seems to happen a lot with them. If he's going to step up great, she deserves that. She deserves the world. The Moon, the very Stars in the sky. It seems this happens a lot with them but maybe this time... this time he'll do right by her. Regardless I'll be here for her and hope...I dunno. Now that she reads these I feel a little awkward. I just know every time she smiles I think I'd give the world to keep her smiling, forever. I've started bargaining with a deity I thought I no longer believed in...just to see that smile. What is becoming of me?

faith is a funny funny thing. I lost it years ago, and I don't know... is it her? Is it my desire just to believe? Is it this situation? So many questions I can't seem to answer right now.

Anyways the short story is they are reconnecting I think. I fear for her sake it is a token gesture, as the other times have been in the past. I fear for me it's not. If it is a token gesture, and things fall apart, I will be here for her to pick up her broken pieces and put her back together. If it isn't - and they rekindle those flames, I'll still be here to celebrate in her joy. Anything, anything to just keep her in my life, and her happy.

There is nothing more joyous than her laugh and smile.

There is nothing that hurts more than her tears.

If ever given the chance, I will make sure to wipe away all those tears, and keep the light in her eyes, forever.

Yeesh I'm a freaking Sap.

@WifeyStyle what a silly, thoughtless, blanket type statement to say. Have you read these posts? First of all there are guys here, dealing with this situation, as being the married man. It's not easy, it's not something where we're just looking to get laid. AND no one here is outright advocating cheating. Love isn't simple. It's messy, complicated, and has many, many twists and turns. I don't know if perhaps you were scorned in your past and you're speaking from personal experience, or just trolling. But please read the posts and see that nothing is black or white and to think otherwise is absurd.

@torn - same here. I may not post, but I still read and can relate. I keep telling myself now that my love knows about this page too I should probably stop, yet here I am.

I have a feeling of dread washing over me, maybe that's why I'm drinking today. I hope it turns out I'm just being crazy as usual and not what I fear it means.

@highhopes - what a great name! Welcome to our little corner of cyberspace. Trust me, we know it's a bumpy ride from time to time so just strap yourself in and hold on. I get the brave face part. I...I don't even remember at this point why I got married. I know I do love my wife, not how she wants me to, probably not how she deserves. But it's a two way street. Things have gotten so far off track I don't know if they can even be put back on. Then enter this wonderful, beautiful, amazing, smart, funny, down right loveable gal. I'm 34, and she's the 3rd girl I've ever downright said "I love you" to (in that way). I do. I love her so freaking much sometimes it just aches. Alas we're both married, and seemingly on a rollar coaster ride of emotions.

Anyways, none of us here will judge - our stories are similar but not all the same. I would wager no one here would consider themselves the "affair kind of person" (I'm not sure I know what that means). Again feelings can't be controlled, actions can. At any rate no judging will be had here and you're welcome to continue your story as you see fit by posting. Some of us are in the unique position to have our crushes reciprocated, even to the point of love... that can be agonizing at times too.... and yet rewarding.

Anyways glad you could join us.

voyager 2 years ago

@ notwhatiplanned *Definitely* cannot relate to the drinking being a bad idea thing! ;) haha Whatever gets you through. Today is still going on, I'm still sad, and confused..but it seems somewhat okay if I ignore the mess in my head. Yeah, right.

And you don't sound like a sap , you sound like a decent caring heartfelt guy, and your wife and crush are lucky to have you in their lives. I hope your feeling of dread amounts to nothing. Be strong, we are here for you.

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

@voyager - seems my dread was for naught. I dunno. I'm tired of feeling bad for my feelings. I just refuse to feel that way anymore. I'm tired... I'm tired of worrying or doubting her. She does love me. She truly, truly does. Maybe we won't ever be together, but damnit. Just damnit all. She does love me. Oh man does that make my heart feel whole. She has my heart, and if she ever decides to claim it, it'll be hers for the taking. If not, I can accept that. Because she'll still be there, by my side. Forever and until the end. Considering the way technology is progressing, that could be billions upon billions of years. I can think of no better way than to spend eternity than with her by my side.

Also Voyager - you be strong as well, take what strength I have and put it inside you. We will get through this together, and hey, you never know - cautionary tales aside, maybe, just, just maybe, my tale will be one of redemption, of hope, and of one that does mean it can all work out. I'd like that. I'd like that not only for myself, but for all the other torn people wondering why is it so hard... I'd like to be the light at the end of the tunnel for them, and show them no matter what, there is always hope.

voyager 2 years ago

@highhopes Welcome, and I love your name too...

Well, focusing on the positives is always a great start- and getting in shape is a great idea, crush or no crush... You definitely are not alone in this...

And a book sounds wonderful!

Yes, there are certainly negatives, sigh, that is why we are here.. :( And I completely agree with you that sharing, even just telling close friends that you have a crush on a married man without trying to stral him away is a dangerous area.... people will judge you for your feelings, when they don't understand and feel threatened. I have damaged a close friendship with over-sharing, and it hurts almost as much as not being with my crush. But all of us here understand, and are trying to muddle through as best we can without hurting anyone, or losing our minds... a TALL order indeed.

Good luck to you, and hope you stay around in our little corner. We are here for you.

voyager 2 years ago

@notwhatiplanned Thank you - your words are always so inspiring...I'm glad things turned out okay for you today. I hear you- I'm tired of feeling bad about my feelings too.. everything about this sucks...

Thanks for the virtual strength and moral support, it helps so much. I've been praying for strength and support. And here it is on this page from so many people. Strangers, really,... gathering together with a common pain offering comfort to each other.

You are right , there is ALWAYS hope for wounded hearts, and a chance for happy endings all around. I wish you well.

WifeyStyle profile image

WifeyStyle 2 years ago from Atlanta, GA

@voyager&@notwhatiplanned, In all due respect, I am new to this site and must have misunderstood, I didn't realize this was a support group, I was simply commenting on the article I read.

Highhopes 2 years ago

@voyager and @notwhatiplanned - thank you so much for your kind words and your welcome. Have never been involved with a forum like this and has come at the right time @voyager - yes the virtual strength and moral support really helps when friends and family can't understand.

I chose High Hopes as a name from the song by the Irish band Kodaline ......only watch the video on youtube if in a positive frame of mind!

A previous poster said that the crush is like you have known the person before somehow, like a jolt of electricity running through you or even a past life memory somehow. It is more than a lustful attraction (or so it feels). I remain open minded about past or future lives but as I'm sure many of us feel, I wish I had met my crush first! Will keep working on self-improvement in this life so hopefully I am somehow 'bookmarked' in the next life for him. :)

missing him 2 years ago

@all, I'm back ! Welcome to anon and highhopes to be in this support group! Though I'm not able to reply to every post (forgive me for that) , but I can relate to some of the post here!

First, yes there are some positive outcome from all these roller coaster thingy whereby we will try our best to look good both externally and internally. I do admit that I've change the way I dress up, the way I speak etc. This is a great way to improve ourselves that make us look good and feel good:)

And with regards to telling a friend(s) about these, I've had an experience told a girl in our mutual group of friends. I just told her that I had a crush on him that's it. No further details including the hugs or massages as I know she won't be able to accept this. But after telling her about my feelings for him, every other time when I mentioned or asked some relationship related survey questions, she will ask me is it about my crush? Haha.. Guess she will remember this forever.

And wow writing a book - thats an amazing idea, probably you can write a series of stories featuring each one of us :)

@confused guy: I only can tell you the signals from my point of view - the pointers. Perhaps you can test the water a bit. I understand its really disturbing feeling to want to know is the feeling being reciprocated. That's how I felt few months ago.

@voyager: don't cry too much my dear.. You will still have us here :) I believe we are all good people with feelings. We don't want to hurt anybody and in the end we are the one that got hurt.

@notwhatiplanned: you're a good man who care about both your wife and crush - not some heartless jerks who just wanna get laid. That's the good thing about you! So don't feel bad about it.

@all - the only way is to let it fade although there are some cases where the relationship with crushes developed and end up being together - but chances are slim. I especially agree to the word in this article - if you treat yourself with dignity there may be chance being with the crush at some point of time.

I don't know how to face him once I'm back to office. These fren days we both will be on leave so I'm just doing fine - no stories from my side as yet. Hope everyone is doing well !

Anon 2 years ago

I wish I could say this to my boss-crush of 10 months:

The personal issue I am having adds to the discomfort I have in staying at the front desk. Like I said, I need to move on for several other reasons that are more relevant... but I will step out on a limb here and tell you what is going on with me because that is who I am. I seek to gain nothing but your understanding and to get myself out of this rut, so to speak.

You've been a wonderful boss and I would give you a great reference if you ever needed one from me.( uh... yeah...sorry for my continued impudence..) Like the other reasons I gave for wanting to leave the desk, this has nothing to do with anything you can control. Your behavior has been commendable and beyond reproach. I have tried my best to act professionally and respectably towards my coworkers and towards you. I think I have succeeded the great majority of the time to act positively. It has been difficult for me to do so towards you, especially recently. This is going to sound ridiculous...

make sure you are seated...

...but i can no longer work where I see you often because otherwise I find myself obsessing...about you romantically.

I am very grateful for your professionalism as I would have never have survived 10 months in this position without your appropriate "lead".

Off the record.... At first I thought it it was harmless as long as my thoughts stayed in my head. But it's been more than a couple months and I'm having trouble focusing. It's my fault for entertaining inappropriate thoughts, but at first I thought "this is great! I never thought I'd feel this way again! I still love my husband and children and its actually enhancing my relationship with my husband in some ways." You may be able to relate to some of my thinking for the last few years that everything's headed downhill, winding down, getting ready to go back to "dust."

This experience has helped me to realize that there is a lot of living left to do. I may not be able to do some things as well as I used to, but there are benefits to getting older. I was presumptuous, ungrateful and foolish to think I could predict the rate and specifics of my decline

Fortunately I know I am human, fallible and far from perfect. Maybe I should be more concerned at this unsettling and rather shocking development. But life kicking me in the rear this way is preferable to the kicking I've gotten from my kids the last few years and I choose to find the experience humorous, probably more so than what I have suffered through with them. So please do not feel threatened. I wish I did not have to reveal this, but I have worked through it. I have accepted it and what I need to do.

I hope you feel flattered because you should. Although I don't know you well, you have enough incredible qualities to have knocked me off my feet- so silly because I can't even say if we'd make good friends. I have been affected this way so few times in my life- at first I was worried it might be reflecting hidden reservations I was having about my marriage, but no, I can honestly say things are good compared to what I see going on around me. We've had 24 years together, most of them good, as was this last year between us. I never have had this problem while married to him. It's been uncomfortable for me, more so recently and maybe for you because I've surely acted weird and awkward at times. I am sorry. Chalk it up to my stress and poor mental filtering and to your magnetism and irresistibility.

When i told you id probably be leaving, you said you might soon be retiring. You are far too dynamic and interesting to retire completely. But i agree that your time is too valuable to be squandered by the problems this agency has from its years of neglect before your arrival. There has to be a healthier way for you to continue to do the things that you enjoy and enable you to share what you have to offer. I know you. you will find a way!

Thanks so much for all you've taught me and told me about yourself. Thanks for listening and giving good advice and feedback. And I hope you don't mind my commenting on the agency FB page occasionally. Best of luck to you.

Too fondly,


Anon 2 years ago

Welcome highhopes, I love the way you are approaching this. I got myself addicted to fantasizing about him. I hope you can avoid that. It's painful.

High Hopes 2 years ago

@Anon thanks for your welcome. Too late about the fantasizing though which is probably why I'm here.

I read the heartfelt words you want to say to your crush. Whether it's the right thing to do or not, I cannot say. But you sound such a sincere and articulate person that I'm sure he would be highly flattered. Hopefully typing it here has helped you.

@notwhatiplanned it seems that reciprocated feelings from your crush, while in theory is what we all want, causes new pain. Perhaps your wife too as you suggest has found someone to talk to. This may help. A positive outcome isn't always to stay married. We only get one shot at this life (as far as we know!).

@missinghim - yes the Christmas break is a good time to perhaps embrace the absence from him and focus on other things. We can but try.

@voyager - hope you are doing ok. I loved @anon's advice to you to give yourself some tlc and cuddle up with hot chocolate and a book and eat spinach salad. Let us all give ourselves some of the love we feel over the next few days.

As for me.....a good day today. On train to London with my children to take them ice-skating. Creating happy memories I hope, so I will stop typing on my phone and focus on them.

@all - bless you all!

missing him 2 years ago

@confused guy: I'm afraid I've listed before the pointers in my earlier post. Those are based on my past experience. Or else you can actually try to test the water like what @notwhatiplanned mentioned before. I do agree that its hard to understand girls as every girls are different. I also agree that a girl may be very friendly to you but it doesn't necessary means crush and vice versa. (The teasing example is very good example here). In my opinion the best is to ask her. That's what I did, I asked him directly straight to the face. You can try to do it over the email or text or Facebook etc, depending on both of your preference. Anyway, you must be mentally and emotionally prepared before proceed to this step as things will never be the same anymore. No matter what her answer will be, yes or no or whatever her answer, chances are you will get hurt in a way or another. Although now you are feeling miserable wanting to know how she feels aabd what she is thinking (I consider that as a form of hurt - emotionally at least). All I would say is, we will always get hurt no matter what position we are in :(

missing him 2 years ago

Aabd = and

Sorry for typo.

voyager 2 years ago

@Wifey Style It was nice of you to come back here and reply- misunderstandings happen all of the time, and I am sure that you can be forgiven for not reading all of the posts here... we seem to be a group with a LOT of heartache and an equal amount to write... LOTS of reading...Anyway, if you want to join in our conversation, I am sure that you would be welcome.

voyager 2 years ago

@High Hopes - I will definitely check that out, but not today... not feeling too much of a positive frame of mind right now. I'm not wise enough to know how the universe works, but as soon as I met my crush I knew that I felt a deep heartfelt connection to him- to want to help him, love him, be with him and stand by him forever. Not just a physical superficial lust- but of course there is that part in there too, we are human after all! ;) I also loved @Anons advice- we all could use some pampering and giving ourselves some TLC right now. That and coming here to this page. :) Works wonders. Glad you are having a good day on the train- many happy memories ahead. Sending happy thoughts to you.

@missing him Welcome back hon! Glad you are okay. Yes, this is a tricky subject to discuss even with close friends and family. I don't know what I would do without this group here. Hope it never disappears.

@Anon - wow, I agree with Hgh Hopes... your potential message to your boss/crush is amazingly heartfelt and to the point. I have no idea what the right thing to do is, but you certainly come across as an intelligent, thoughtful, well-spoken and sincere person. Well written. As for delivering it, I can't help you- I have written many similar "speeches" for my crush and so far failed to give any of them because I was torn back and forth between whether it was a good idea or not. I hope you have better luck than me in this. I wish you well.

@notwhatiplanned - I still feel a bit guilty for saying that I was jealous of your situation with your crush- and I agree completely with High Hopes that knowing our crush is reciprocated is, in theory, what we all want, but also causes new pain. Please accept my apology- my comment came only from my own pain, but was insensitive. Sorry.

@ everyone Wishing everyone a happy holiday for whatever you celebrate. Christmas here in 2 days... I hope that we can all keep checking in and posting our thoughts and stories. Blessings to you all. Better days ahead in 2014. :)

missing him 2 years ago

@voyager: thanks for the wish :) yea same here, I hope thus page will continue being active too!

@high hopes: glad to see you are having good times with your kids :) they are the best person to be focused on in order to temporarily (hopefully fade out eventually) forget about our crushes.

@anon: do you plan to write a letter or speak to him face to face? In my opinion, letter would be better as you can fully convey your messages in there as speaking face to face may (to me - I'll be nervous in front of my crush and tend to forget everything) distort your flow of thoughts. It requires a great amount of courage to do that especially to your own boss! Sending best wishes to you..

@all: I had a dream again about my crush. Normally during lunch time we will car pool together with other friends in our group. So in my dream, I was driving and he was in my car. But somehow the wife joined us and after a while, in the middle of the lunch, he and the wife and the baby left without saying goodbye. I was so pissed off somehow, I know I shouldn't. And another thing during working, we totally did not IM at all for the whole day. I could foresee our friendship will totally go down the hill. That's sad...

missing him 2 years ago

Question: is it wrong to expect him to IM with me? Is it wrong to feel pissed off when he did not IM me but IM another friend for some discussion that normally he would discuss with me?

Anon 2 years ago

@missinghim, I think you are very important to him. and your dream shows you are afraid he,ll forget about you when he is with his family. It doesn't seem fair that he gets to have them when hes not with you and you are missinghim. about work, Try to remember that he might be on a roll getting work done. Try to feel happy for him about it.

Oh. i so know what you mean about losing your train of thought esp. When with the crush! That's why he probably knows anyway! I may write it depending on the circumstances of my departure and whether I am worried about it being documented. Maybe I'll print it out, have him read it during lunch, and then take it back. I've done that before. That might be the best. Thanks for asking and helping me figure it out!

@torn & notWhatIPlanned

At this point it's the waiting game for you . @NWIP has an especially volatile situation to deal with.

@ Torn, I hope everything works out for you two. If his wife doesn't settle down soon, he's going to have to leave her. NWIP, I hope you and your spouse can decide if you love each other enough to stay together. I think you said your son is 14. depending on his maturity, it may be a transition that can be done w/o hurting him too much over a couple years. But you have some powerful heady stuff to deal with w/crush. I consider society's values about marriage to be a guideline. Your heart is in the right place and therefore I believe you will have the best possible outcome. Don't be surprised if it is not a conventional outcome. (Hehehe)

@voyager. I am concerned about that weird long convo your crush had with himself about the european woman. Some people are travel buffs, is that it maybe? it makes Me wonder whether he is staying w/wife for financial reasons. Either hers or his.

Think about it though, If his youngest is 18, the young man, if he is a normal healthy child, is old enough to see what is and isn't going on between his parents. I think it's time for your crush to chart a course if he is unhappy enoough in his marriage that he talks about it. It seems it works best if the men come out with how they feel first, But it also seems given your friendship that you should be able to ask him some personal questions with all he has told you.

Has he said why he is not making plans to move on? Are you interested in someone who does not have the courage you did to end the relationship contributing to his unhappiness? Do you think you need to wait years so he can let his wife move on? I don't think you should expect that of yourself. How long have they been physically distant? And they may not be. Hubby and I slept in separate bedrooms for years and still had sex pretty regularly.

I did have a situation where I revealed my crush to a MM. I was in my abusive first marriage. I was 22, he, my urbane professor at 38. I was attracted by his intelligence (sap for brains) and sensitivity. Of course it ended badly, but he fought to stay my friend and thank God he did. He got me through the eighties without AIDS and really helped during my stormy marriage. We weren't such close friends at the beginning, so it's quite amazing that the tryst did not destroy a budding friendship especially since I gave him an STD which he gave to his wife. It's an example of how things seem to end up working out, although I am ashamed to death now of what I did to his wife. She forgave him, a very educated and sophisticated woman, and they went on to have a child. I've been around a lot longer now, thank God and would not do that to my current faithful and wonderful hubby of 22 years. He may be a little incompatible with me, but surely does not deserve to be deceived like.

And I would not want to do it to my current crush's wife. She has stood by him so faithfully for so many years, following him and his career, doing research for him, raising his children. They look so cute together, the two of them. I would never ever want to have a husband so attractive, influential and well, just so damn likeable. I bet he has been in this scenario a few times in his career with women falling for him. But he is not innocent. Basically a politician, I've caught him in plenty of inconsistencies. He knows how to make everyone want to take a bullet for him. LOL.


Anyway, although as @Torn so eloquently put, I feel like my life has been held hostage without my assent, I think we need to step back from our emotions and realize that this will work out how it should. If there is no disclosure, however, the relationship or lack thereof can not be revealed and can't progress. I might not want to disclose my feelings prematurely, I would even less want to prolong something that may just be "feeding his ego" as the article that started this thread quoted.

WifeyStyle profile image

WifeyStyle 2 years ago from Atlanta, GA

@Voyager thank you for the invite but I will decline at this time...I do understand though, but I will be the first to admit I am not the right person to chime in on this topic .

HighHopes 2 years ago

Yes, I too really hope this page continues. I find myself thinking about your stories almost as much as I am thinking about my crush .....almost! ;-)

@missinghim - poor you - your dream sounds frustrating and I think expresses your fears of losing his friendship perhaps. In many ways we are 'addicted to being addicted' to them and even the thought of losing the addiction is potentially losing the connection with them and the way it makes us feel (the highs and the lows).

I was deflated last week as my crush said he was coming to a Christmas dinner and told me that his wife wasn't going (said in a matter of fact way not a leading on way). I had spent weeks looking forward to spending time with him in a social setting and working out what to wear what we might talk about etc. Then on the night he wasn't there! Just one empty space at the table which by cruel coincidence was opposite me. Enter paranoid thoughts that he knows I am obsessed with him (even though he can't possibly know unless I am less cool than I thought).

I don't work with him and see him only once per week and have only seen him fleetingly since then and not had a chance to talk. An opportunity to know him more totally gone. :(

Whenever I do speak to him he makes me feel like nobody else ever has. He seems like a very spiritual person and probably makes everyone feel that way. I also realise that I have probably 'fantasised him' into this über-human which in reality he is probably not at all.

A comment which was hard to read but very true written on here by someone (sorry, can't remember who) said that it's probably their partners and families who make them the people we admire so much. Difficult to accept that as it probably means they are very happy and not going anywhere.

But I think these 'lightening bolt' people have come into our lives for a reason whether we have sought them out or not. They have something to teach us about life and regardless of the outcome we should try to take a positive from it. Am trying not to count away the days until I see him again as I want to cherish the time with my little boys. #guiltymother for even thinking about wishing the days away.

@voyager - hope you are giving yourself some of that tlc we wrote about even when feeling in a less than positive frame of mind.

Time to escape to sleep now. Here's hoping for a healing dream.....or a fun one (ahem....) at least!

HighHopes 2 years ago

@Anon - wow thanks for sharing your story about your professor. Yes, we change as we get older and often cringe at the behaviour of our younger selves.

It was interesting to read now that you wouldn't want to put your husband or the wife of your current crush in a compromised position. I feel the same about my husband who is a good man. I have only seen a photo of my crush's wife but I wouldn't want to upset anyone and I know a little about his teenage children which makes me feel worse than thinking about his wife somehow.

It sounds as though you have had a realisation that perhaps your crush can charm others (your bullet comment) and you wouldn't want to be in his wife's position of realising that lots of women fall for him. Perhaps it's a self- protection mechanism that is making you look at things in this way. But certainly a point of view that has been interesting to read about. Thank you.

missing him 2 years ago

@anon: speaking about being documented, I have an experience. It happened few months ago whereby my crush were shocked when I copy and paste the IM communication that he wrote to me a couple of days ago. He asked me whether I saved all our communication? I told him no, it just happen that I did not turn off my computer for days so the conversation window is still there continuously. I believe this experience scares him. He might be thinking what if I use whatever he said to me against him? On one hand I admire his cautious and self protection but on the other hand, I feel sad as he did not trust me. Maybe he was just joking at that point of time, since he likes to tease me. I'm not sure.

And I've never thought of printing it out and having him to read it over the lunch and take it back. That's a brilliant idea! Thanks for sharing..

@high hopes: yes I agree this is a fear that keeps bothering me because I experienced before and it really hurts. A lot...

And omg dear I can't imagine how are you going to continue the dinner itself. It took a lot of self control and high EQ to just continue sit and smile throughout the dinner without create any suspicious to the others. Proud that you'be made it! I can totally relate to how you feel about that. My experience is that every morning I will think what to dress to see him at work, I will dress up happily. Sometimes after i'ge put in effort to dress nicely for him, end up he is on leave that day, and my mood gone for the whole day. I can continue do my work as usual but I won't be smiling won't be happy at all. Unless he told me the day before that he will be on leave, then I'm totally prepared for his absence, I will not feel unhappy. Actually I will feel worry on his absence will it be due to something happened to him or is he fall sick? Questions after questions will pop in my mind and makes me worry. I wish I could be less attached less clingy. Back to your story, yours is about weeks of planning to dress the best and to think of what to chat during the dinner. That will be thousand times much more pain that I could imagine especially when he told you the wife is not coming, that itself already gave some sort of hope to see him there without the wife presence. You can be yourself and spend time with him more. (I admit im not myself when the wife is there, I tend to totally ignore my crush, not talking to him at all)

PS: what is TLC by the way?

anon 2 years ago

@HighHopes @missingHim

Oh, I know what you mean about the party no-show. I too see my crush on a very superficial basis, even though he is technically my direct supervisor. He doesn’t have the time to worry about the types of issues that come up at my level, so I try hard not to go to him unless there is an emergent issue. Otherwise I collect "issues" and try to talk with him once per month. In the beginning we had these meetings and there was also some polite and interesting collateral conversation that would be gratifying and enlightening. When it had been about 6 months, he started cancelling a lot. Once it had been two months since I had met with him, I would just send an email with my concerns. I tried to set up some lunch appointments, but he would always “ditch” on me. I would be upset about these cancellations and ditches. Another opportunity lost to know him better, like you said. OMG,What I would give to see him socially without his wife, at a dinner party no less!

@highhopes. I hate the word “rekindle” too. In my current marriage, there was some chemistry, but not too much. I ‘settled” a bit because of my age, 28, and because he was the finest man to be interested in me, probably since my “first love” (though not so fine as him.) He didn’t help my decision as he was in hot pursuit and did a bit of false advertising to sweeten the package.

Anyway, to make a long story short, we can spend time together pretty regularly and enjoy it. Our compatibility revolves mostly around partying, sex, and working together on home construction and landscaping projects. It’s not a hell of a lot, but considering he He is okay with the kids… will usually follow my lead and is better with them than he was. One reason hes good with the kids is that I became very sick with my third child and he took care of everything. I mean, he did everything for almost a year. He did all the cooking and cleaning, started working from home so he could help with the children during the day. He took care of the children in the evening. He drove me to doctor’s appointments. In short, he demonstrated the commitment to me that he made in his vows to me. I doubt many men would have, or could have done better. It was this and a few others that made me realize how lucky I was.

But sometimes I wonder if I love him enough to reciprocate. He is 7 years older than me and has been smoking a pack a day or more, for about 40 years. A few years ago I said, “when you are in an oxygen tent and are stuck in the house, I’m going to be out re-living my 20’s.” So yes, I have a feeling of guilt and foreboding. I do try to get him to take care of himself as almost all women must do for their men, but I do it because I fear the consequences. How am I going to afford the tuitions if he dies of colon-cancer? Or take care of my teenage son if he succumbs to cancer?

@missinghim -In spite of my fantasies, I am grateful that I don’t know my crush better. I am actually starting to develop an appreciation for another man that I see very rarely. He is single and close to my age, but every time I see him, I get the feeling that there is a connection. I’m starting to think I have a mental or sexual condition… The the day before yesterday I dreamt of a 3rd man, but I think he signified by boss, cause he was in charge in the dream.

@HighHopes, missinghim is right. What a downer it is about your party. I would have cried about that for a couple days. I understand what she says about being upset when he is unexpectedly absent from work. It can ruin your day. HighHopes, tell me more about your children and the things you like and don’t like to do with them. Thank God I did not have a crush when they were younger. I have a hard enough time focusing on them now and may not need to as much, but the 13year old son has some issues that he needs attention for. Dad is not loving enough.

@missing him, TLC is Tender-Loving-Care. He must feel guilty if he worries about your IM’s. Is he a boss or is there a “no relationships between coworkers policy?” I’m wondering what he thinks you would do, show this stuff to his boss or wife if you get Pissed off? Interesting...

anon 2 years ago

Wow, things sometimes happen sooner than we think. One of our administrative assistants just resigned yesterday so Boss-crush has already posted for a new one. She will take over the front desk. I will be given another "dog of a job," fortunately at the same pay & hopefully out of sight of my crush. I wonder what life will be like once I get over the initial withdrawal. I expect it to take at lease 3 weeks. Maybe more if I run in to him from time to time here. It depends on where my office will be. Most likely anything that is not on the first floor will mean I can control how little I see him. He will not seek me out.

voyager 2 years ago

@ anon You sound like you think this will be a good move, and a positive step forward for you in getting over your crush, and not a bad move career-wise either. I'm happy for you. Yes, the withdrawal will be painful, but if it is what you want and you stick to it, I'm sure the days ahead will be easier.

You say he won't seek you out- is this because as you say you aren't close friends that he won't, or because he knows how you feel or because he doesn't know how you feel?

Either way, you seem okay with it. Best of luck going forward. I could also easily never see my crush again (easy to arrange, not easy emotionally of course. ) Not sure if he would seek me out or not. Good luck to you!

Anon 2 years ago

Since it"s unlikely I will be working too close to him, I will now be in control and will be able to wean off Seeing him.

There will be no reason to reveal anything to him regarding my crush on him. Now I'll see how addicted I am to the addiction. Will I find another reason I have to tell him? I hope so. I hope he wants to be my friend and that I have to ask him to "cool it". Lol. The fantasy fun never stops!!!

Anon 2 years ago

He doesn't know, he could suspect because I am a goofball around him. No one else, NOT A SOUL in the office has a clue. I invited him to lunch for an Xmas gift. He responded favorably, but wants to go after the new year. He already knew he would be replacing me at the point of accepting my invitation. Maybe he will be less hesitant to going out if he doesn't have to worry as much about appearances. I hope so. I would live to keep in touch once every 6 weeks, do lunch or breakfast ( I have brought breakfast in. He likes this because he doesn't remember to eat and because we kinda fly under the radar a little easier. At least I think that's why.

HighHopes 2 years ago

Hope @notwhatiplanned is doing ok. Gone quiet lately. Strange how quickly we get to care about our anonymous 'co-crushees ' here.

@missinghim as @ anon says tlc is tender loving care. Thanks for understanding about the Christmas dinner no show! Never have I made so much effort to look good. Woe was I that evening! But yes I agree that it's hard to sound like we want to when talking to them. Easy to become a goofball!

@anon I can relate to your feelings of thinking sometimes that you have a mental or sexual problem in thinking about other men. I feel like that too but I think it is borne of not feeling fulfilled in our marriages. I like my husband but like you, I feel like I settled with him after rebounding from a passionate but incompatible relationship. I've always known it wasn't right and I guess have always compared him to other men (with lots of imagining which I don't think happily married women do?) but never acted upon it. We do get on well but am not attracted to him physically I feel guilty to say, but true.

I guess my children getting older (6 and 8) and needing me less, I have started to question if this is it for my life. Just because I married the wrong man should I stay for life? I suggested we separate a while back but he was just so nice and played it so well that I just couldn't go through with it. The fantasy that my crush would appear as a stepping stone to get me out of the marriage wasn't the right approach and will never happen. There is no stepping stone.

My boys know my crush as he teaches them at an evening sport club. My eldest son says that he can 'read his mind' in the class. Hope to goodness that he can't read mine! So I guess he has that spiritual side to him and is intuitive in teaching which my son picks up on.

@anon with your new work position it seems that a change in dynamic is ahead. Perhaps not seeing your crush so much in the work setting will allow you to get to know each other better without the pressure 'what people may be thinking'.

The new year lunch together will be interesting...keep us posted.

Sigh - absence is making the heart grow fonder this Christmas Holiday. Am wanting some 'out of sight out of mind' to ease the pain but it's true that the addiction of a crush is compelling .

voyager 2 years ago

I am missing him so much today... I agree HighHopes... out of sight is definitely NOT out of mind. Thankful for the many blessings in my life, but really missing him a lot. Four more long days until I may see him again. Sending happy thoughts to all of you.

how are the rest of you doing?

Anon 2 years ago

Doing well. A lot of distraction today...

@voyager, not sure if you read my message to you . 12 posts back not including this one. It was about the conversation he had with you about the woman in Europe...

Anon 2 years ago


Good morning High Hopes! Yeah, you may be right about the Hidden yearning. I've got to get over thinking I can predict my behavior because "I've had this or that experience." I said to my son's sensai recently that older people (my age and older) are so silly when they run around looking for a romantic interest (as if I would NEVER be so silly.) Every time I speak as if I'm superior, BAM!! I get brought to my knees. But I seriously thought, "Been there. Done that. I know it ain't what it's cracked up to be. I won't fall into that trap again." I guess I need some serious therapy. I hope my therapist can see me soon! I told her about it, but told her I was going to follow advice I'd read online. It didn't appeal to me to "run as fast and far in the opposite direction as possible." I wanted to "explore the idea" to see what it would tell me about myself. I do know that my marriage lacks some chemistry. I also read on a catholic forum online where a lot of women talk about it and how important it is in their marriages. Like everything, it varies and it depends.

I doubt I would have ever thought the crush "my type." I really know very little about him. I am curious, no OBSESSED, with knowing more. I think it's because I sense there is an act. I want to know who is the real man. I think I am infatuated with the act and with what i think is behind it. My B.S. alarm keeps going off and if I were smart I would leave it at that. But the fact is that I am lonely at work(and at home). I have some good friends who I can hardly get to see anymore; didn't I go back to work for social interaction? Well I want to interact with this person. In spite of the B.S. alarm, something tells me that this person is sufficiently good and very interesting. There are a few people at my office that I like, but he is the most appealing in many ways that have nothing to do with his physical appearance, rank or gender.

Another interesting stat I read on the Internet is that women working outside the home have affairs at a rate about 3 or 4 times their stay-at-home counterparts, so I wonder if it has something to do with access and with the sexiness of the workplace. I'm one of those women who doesn't even get out of her PJs at home and hardly brushes her hair. I guess I have an act too.

HighHopes 2 years ago

@voyager - oh I know how you feel! I have 7 more days to wait. Yesterday, although many distractions, just had me obsessing about him and wondering what he was doing and it sounds as though you were the same.

Today was better as I claimed some 'me time' and went on a long invigorating bike ride in the freezing cold. Exercise I find is the only true distraction and it's the first time in my life I have ever exercised to this level. All because of him that I do it, and ironically is the best distraction from thinking of him. So one benefit to take from this otherwise painful experience.

@anon I know what you mean about being obsessed about knowing more about him. I researched obsessively a couple of months ago and now know as much as I can without asking him. A harder job to research when your crush is 'too cool for Facebook!' Or too old perhaps.... Ha ha!

Wow, you have those kind of conversations with your son's sensei @anon? I know what you mean though about looking at 'older folk' looking for love interest and thinking how silly. But here we are!

Definitely agree with the workplace thing. I was working in the pharmaceutical industry a few years ago and in one place I worked in the space of 2 years there were at least 3 new relationships and 3 affairs including 2 women who left their husbands for each other. So true that you can't control your feelings, but you can control your actions.

But like you, I don't want to run from this feeling, but rather I want to run towards it. Sigh......more exercise anyone?!

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

I don't know how to contact the owner of this page but if possible I need my comments removed from here. Thank you.

jadelola 2 years ago

Haven't been here for a couple of days and so much action and new names.

@notwhatiplanned -what is going on with you? Hope you are fine esp. after reading your request.

@voyager -i agree out of mind isn't easier. When my crush isn't around or doesn't come to work I miss him.

I don't understand my crush. He knows how I feel about him, he knows his wife suspects I have feelings for him and yet he wants to go with me to the Amazing Race. He is so serious about it...but his wife doesn't know. He is the one that is pursuing it and doesn't want to waste anytime filling out the forms and taking pictures/videos. I just don't understand him...if his wife will find out she will be mad and she won't let him go with me. So, why is he so into it?? And why not try go with someone else? It's not that I am athletic or whatever. Yea, we have a good energy and we get along great but why? He knows that it will only intensify my feelings for him..everyone knows about me feelings. Don't get me wrong..I am enjoying it as I spend time with him and we are doing something together so I like it but i don't get him. Any thoughts? Thanks

voyager 2 years ago

Yes, there is a lot of activity happening on here, and some big events either happening or not happening.... (HighHopes party etc..)

@notwhatiplanned- we are worried about you! Are you okay? After your question it seems that you may not want or be able to talk to us about it, but I think I speak for all of us when I say that we are here to help you however we can. Share as much or as little as you can, but please accept the virtual support. Hope you are okay.

@anon - It sounds like you can really steer the direction of the course of your situation with your crush in the future- see him, not see him, bring breakfast etc.. will you still be able to do that easily in the new set-up? And I always find it hard to define someone's type too- as soon as you get it figured out what you think your type may be, along comes someone like your boss who blows the whole idea away! :) I guess we have to just go with the flow, eh?

Now if only we could control our feelings as much as how much you come in contact with him in the future! :) And I had missed your comments on my crushes friend in Europe- I can't figure it out at all...I'm sure that she exists, and is indeed asking him to go over there, but we have not had enough serious conversations about the actual state of his marriage- (whether or not they have discussed separating, are planning on it, or are just waiting for their teenager to go off to university next year..) I really don't know except that they live in the same house, but a lot separately - he has his own living room, bathroom, bedroom in the basement etc, but there are varying degrees of "separated", and until someone actually moves out, it can be very muddled and unclear. He has made references in a joking context to a future where he is not with his wife, sells the house, and moves on to a new life with a girlfriend, but whenever he brings it up, I become too shy to push deeper and see what he really means..I'm brave on here, but not so much in real life. He is very easy to talk to, but I don't want to cross an invisible "line" and get into stuff that isn't my business as an outsider in the marriage.. so difficult. I always though that when I was an adult life would be so easy, and I would have all of the answers... ha! :)

@HighHopes - wow- I am so proud of you and happy for you that you have found the side benefit of exercise and how much it can help you. I wish that I had your motivation! Good for you though.... that is a positive step all around however it works out with your crush. I will try to take inspiration from you and do the same. :) We all need "me time"!

@jadelola - I would definitely take your cues from him about the Race application- there may be more to it than just the Race- maybe he sees it as a chance for some honest dialogue between him and his wife, especially if she suspects your feelings for him. Maybe he is feeling like a change may be coming for them, if he insists on going through with it as far as he can? It is an unknown dynamic right now as far as I can tell, and I would sort of let him figure out how far he wants to push it, and how far you want to go with it. It will be interesting to see how it plays out. I hope it works out for you all.

@everyone I am sure that we are all a bit happy and a bit sad these days- it seems like many of us will not be seeing our crushes for a few days or a week etc, and other people may be having a lot of unexpected developments. Either way, as the year draws to a close, I just want to offer whatever support and comfort I can to you all and your families. I feel very fortunate to have stumbled on this page. You have all been so wonderful and I wish you all the best.

HighHopes 2 years ago

@voyager - having your and others comments here has been a huge comfort and support over the last few days. I could never have imagined it would help so much.

Hard as it is to wait @voyager I think you are doing the right thing in waiting to see what degree of separation your crush has from his wife. I can see that when he jokes about a future life in a new house with a girlfriend it may give you hope. Could it be a hint? But you are right to stay quiet and not to cross that line into their marriage.

But it's the feeling of powerlessness that is frustrating for you I can imagine. You can't say anything and yet you are yearning to be with him. Like most of us here we don't want a one night stand or a quick fling or to be the other woman/man. We want happiness and a life with that person and yet we are powerless to influence it. That's why it's so hard as we think that being adults we should have control in our lives.

'Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change, the strength to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference'.

@jadelola - hi! Am new to this page and to your story. But reading that your crush is so keen for you to do this race together, it seems as though he is testing the water for a change. Either a change with you and him or with him and his wife. Doing something like the race together can only strengthen the bond between you and he must be acutely aware of the implications of that. I guess it's hard for married men who may have strong feelings for another woman too. It's not as simple as just leave the wife and nor should it be. But he wants to do the race with you and not her so it seems that he is testing the water for a change.

@Anon and @missinghim- hope you are both ok?

@notwhatiplanned - I second @voyager's comment that we are worried about you. Even if you cannot post further on this page, please know that your kind, insightful and wise words have had a huge impression upon me and I am sure upon others here. I wish you all the very best.

voyager 2 years ago

@HighHopes It amazes me how you can so accurately express everything that I am feeling... You say it so much more clearly and wisely though :) ... I agree with all that you wrote entirely. This is so much more for all of us here than a one night stand/ quick fling as you said- we truly care about our "crushes", and even calling them "crushes" seems to take away from the intensity and depth of our caring and feelings for them, but it is the word we have all gotten used to saying here, I guess.

When you mentioned feeling powerless and frustrated I think you touched on the key elements for what I , and possibly others here, find the most difficult to deal with. Powerless and frustrated because we know what we feel for them,yet are utterly powerless (given their current married state), to even express our feelings to them. I for one would tell him in a heartbeat how I feel, and be shameless about it, except for the huge fact that he is already married, whatever the state of that marriage is... it is SO hard to know the right thing, let alone DO it... what if we ARE meant to be together? What if their marriage WAS a mistake as was the case with my own...?! What if ?! What if...?! Who knows...

And I love that quotation... I would only add "Please give me the strength to accept that which I can and should not try to change.." if that makes sense...

And how are YOU doing?? What is the current exercise plan? Do things seem any better for you recently?

@ anon and @ missing him - Just to echo HighHopes question- ARE you both okay? I hope so.

Happy Almost 2014 to all.

missing him 2 years ago

@all, I'm doing fine just a lil busy with the holidays and back to work after days of absence - crazy workloads.. I will read all the comments later.

@notwhatiplanned: hope you're doing fine there. As per suggested above, your words really do have impact on us. Its a pleasure to have you as part of our friend here.

Hope 2014 would be a better year ahead.

herpointofview profile image

herpointofview 2 years ago Author

@notwhatiplanned - I have temporarily enabled the ability to email me through the fan mail link on my profile. Please let me know exactly what you want removed and of course I will fix what I can. You've given such a lot of support to so many - I don't want to just delete everything without checking with you. Hope you are okay.

@Everyone - Thanks once again for being such amazing, caring people. I try and stay out of the conversation as I had my say right at the beginning, but I do read every comment, and every day I feel my faith in human kindness renewed and strengthened by the goodwill here. Wishing you all a happy, positive 2014.

HighHopes 2 years ago

@herpointofview -thanks so much for your original article which was the most beautifully written and wise piece. I came searching online in silent desperation and other things I read were either sarcastic or unkind reprimand at the very idea of wanting a married man/woman. While we may have come looking for justification, redemption or encouragement (as you as you so eloquently wrote), what we have shared here is support.

The support you have started here has been amazing. I guess you could never have imagined that your original article could have instigated all this, but we are so glad it has. Thank you again and I hope things are going well for you.

herpointofview profile image

herpointofview 2 years ago Author

Thank you HighHopes. My intention was to simply offer advice without judgement, and to help people who were struggling with such an emotional conflict to see things from a wider and more positive perspective. What it has become has been surprising and overwhelming, and it's only due to the generosity and caring natures of people such as yourself. You've shared your personal stories, and then you've shared your advice and your support. None of us know how our stories will end. I can only hope that, whatever the outcome, we will all eventually find peace. In the meantime, you, HighHopes, and the others who have given of themselves here, have made the journey a little less stressful for each other and for the silent visitors. Thank you so much.

voyager 2 years ago

@herpointofview I can't say it any more beautifully than HighHopes did. All I can do is echo her sentiments and express my gratitude that you have created this little corner of the world that has come to mean so much to so many people.

It has been said a couple of times, both by you and HighHopes I believe, that while we may have initially been searching desperately for some kind of encouragement or justification, this has become so much more. We are just a bunch of people who have found themselves facing a broken heart under similar, yet very individual circumstances, and who have come together to help each find a way forward through the pain.

Thank you so much for being the beginning of this. We may not have all of the answers, or tell each what we want to hear sometimes, but just sharing our pain and feeling less alone is a beautiful thing. Thank you.

And thank you to everyone who has been coming here and reading our stories, sharing your own, and just being part of our story. Thank you.

voyager 2 years ago

haha.. :) forgot to proof read before submitting, and left out a couple of "others" after "each".... *shakes head* ... :)

HighHopes 2 years ago

@voyager- you write beautifully too and your words always seem so articulate and resonate strongly with my situation. So glad you are here. I type on my phone, so yes typos are inevitable!

In fact I love that everyone writes so well here. In this world where most communication it seems is dumbed down to FB comments or twitter and text speak and a written letter is a memory from years gone by, it is good to share our feelings by writing here in proper non-abbreviated English (and US English of course!).

I guess perhaps most of us are married or have been married so are slightly older than the 'text speak' generation. But it got me thinking about what else perhaps people here have in common.

A much earlier post talked about birth order and crushes. I wonder if a particular kind of person falls hard for someone in this unrequited powerless kind of way?

I'm an eldest child, somewhat obsessive compulsive (I see it as a strength myself !), and will readily fall into the martyr role by doing too much for people. I wonder if I am subconsciously increasing my desire for my crush to obsession levels to somehow position myself as the martyr? Just a theory but would be interesting to hear if there are other parallels out there. If we understand our characters more it may help us perhaps?

More manic exercise today in the form of a long power walk. I wore my two sons out. Legs which were less than toned in September are now of steel (well getting there!). Fresh air and exercise with the family is wonderful but with every step I ached for him.

Anon 2 years ago

Here and crazy as ever! Have worked for the past couple days. My boss-crush at home (I keep urging him to take time off. He was so unhappy and unhealthy last week. Probs cause we were fighting- hehe). But new drama at work. I am in trouble again and he already heard about it yesterday and will surely hear more Monday. Sheesh, that's another story and probably a more interesting one. @highhopes, I need to consult w you about this writing business. I have a lot of content here, some of which may be marketable more here in the states than in Europe, but twould be interesting to hear /um/ read, your opinion.

Speaking of crazy and obsessing, I am a second-born but first female 6 years my brother's junior. According to what I have read, I am of type "first-born". Obsessers we are! But we are supposed to go best with others of different birth-order, however my boss-crush is also eldest. I think I am more fierce than he and more gentle at the same time. My poor crush having to measure every step and response due to the position he is in. But I am in the position of martyr where I work. Long long story again. But it may explain why I can't resist getting in trouble. However, I refuse to quit! By all accounts I should have left the position months ago, but I will not "snatch defeat in the mouth of victory". I must hang in there. I have gone almost the whole way... And when my crush appears to be on the opposite side, as he should be, I am miserable, MISERABLE. Trying to figure out how I can document everything and stay true to myself. And to try to believe him, as he convinces me to do. But actually highhopes, I think I'm simply mentally ill. I need to consult my therapist, but I think I may need my antidepressant dosage to be decreased. Once when I expressed this to my psychiatrist he said the manic phase is a breakswith reality- meaning it is a pschotic state. He gave me an example of manic behavior, which I know I am incapable of anything of its kind. But I do think I am on some manic continuum. Hopefully at the bottom, but feeling very revved up and stimulated sexually and otherwise by the changes and drama.

I am so proud of you that you are speed walking. Wow, what a great way to do good all around! But to ache with every step. My heart goes out to you. Question though. How do you Steele your resolve to get you out of the door? And the children, they can break through your longing, can they not? You are happy interacting with them half or most of the time, right?

@voyager. How long have you known your crush? Apologize if you explained this somewhere before.

& best to all. We are trying to do the right thing and are therefore blessed and will be given strength.

Anon 2 years ago


You are right. I will soon know if I can control the rate at which I feed and experience the high and withdrawal of the addiction. I have done and am doing this with my sleep meds. When things have been really good, I can take about 2 or 3 mgs. Per week and not need any more for the same effect. Then when I use more, I go without a night or two of sleep to make up for it. A lot of times, I can't do this (like now) and gradually build up resistance to the meds. I still am able to handle the discomfort of going without-thanks be given- for a few days at a time so that I may gain the relief of a good nights sleep somewhere soon down the line.

But to compare a relationship or a fantasy of one to a drug? As you have mentioned, the thoughts and wishes regarding the crush are apt to come at many times during the day. Not just at night-time like the urge and realization to sleep. I feel fortunate to even be in the position to try. But it will be at least a couple weeks before I can. Send thoughts of strength and healing pl.



Anon 2 years ago

@confusedguy. Your crush is lady-boss right? I think I read that earlier in the thread. If so and if she is a good boss, her cues will be very difficult to find and read.

missing him 2 years ago

Wow so much of progression that I couldn't really follow. Sorry for that... I find myself slowly let go of my feelings towards my crush knowing he will never give up his family plus his wife is going to give birth in a couple of months down the road. Our conversations limited to during group chats, no more one to one conversation. Hope it is a good move for everybody. I find myself slowly distant away from him although I still concern about his sick, his injured wrist. However everything just limited to asking him, how is he doing? Nothing more, although I wish to do more for him but I know its inappropriate. Oh well. Few days more to go for 2014! All the best all my friends!! I will continue to follow the page and may reply on as and when basis :)

@pdgg and notwhatiplanned: hope you guys will still be coming over this page. Glad to know you guys over here :)

notwhatiplanned 2 years ago

Hello all - I won't be around posting anymore due to trying to respect my crush's privacy (while she liked most of what was on here, there were things I shouldn't have shared, and I'm old enough to know better), and also my Wife's privacy as well. I am glad my words could help some of you. I really am. I hope everything goes amazing for the rest of you crushers and with your crushees.

jadelola 2 years ago

I am having a hard time keeping track of the posts here. Sorry if people respond to me and I don't seem to respond to their comments.

@notwhatiplanned -good luck and i wish you find happiness with whatever you decide :)

@HighHopes - me and my crush worked together in the same place. We were always together. We worked together for only 6 months before I left. I than found a new job across from where he works now. We have known each other by now for a year and a half and we are still friends. We go to work together and eat lunch together with a group of friends. He knows how I feel about him. He always teases me and pays me attention. He doesnt tease anybody else like me and he said so a few times. Now, he has this thing that he wants to go to the Amazing Race together. I don't mind of course...but if his wife will found out that we are applying together she will put a stop to it. We have great energy and I assume that if he didn't want to hang out he wouldn't come with me to work or want to go to the Amazing Race. People have commented about the chemistry and once his friend joked that if he could he would have 2 wives. A pity that you find someone you have great fun and chemistry with and they are married :( Even with my ex-husband I didn't have such chemistry and we got along great.

Still a mystery to me why he is so serious about doing the show with me.

How are you doing with your crush? Does your crush know about your feelings? I am sorry that I haven't kept track.

@herpointofview -your article is amazing. It's a breathe of fresh air . I finally can write down my thoughts and what I am experiencing without being judged. The people who comment here are great and it's such a relief to be able to express my feelings and to get advise. Thank you!!

@voyager - so true- it's much more than a crush. We do care about our crushes and we are their friends also. Sometimes it feels like a kind of relationship. Man...these feelings aren't easy.

@missing him - i hope you are doing ok. I know it's not easy. Please share your feelings with us.

@Anon - i am the eldest of 3 children. My crush he is the youngest of 2.

Happy new year to everyone!!

missing him 2 years ago

@jadelola: first, I realised that there is far much lesser topics for conversations with him nowadays. I'm just not sure why but when we are alone together virtually or in real person face to face over the meal, it is always silent unless I crack my head try to fins some topics that could interest him. Somehow it made me feel like an entertainer to him. Whenever I couldn't find a topic or if my topics doesn't attract his attention, he will just end it with "lol" or worse, a question back to me like "so?" "Then?" etc. That is so demotivating and whenever I confronted him, he said he is always like this, he hasn't been changed, its just that I over expecting on him. I don't want to suffocate him and don't want to continue to be an "entertainer" anymore. I once thought we had great chemistry and we could talk about anything and everything! Or is it just me who don't mind to share everything with him but he won't share his story with me, so whenever I'm out of story, everything stops... All the fun moments gone...

Well its painful to come to this stage, its more painful to see how your crush changed but denied the changes. I just hope he will remember that there was oncw a girl who loves him dearly but do not want to hurt him and his family, who treated him with sincere heart and tried her best to help him when he is in pain, in hunger, and fatigue and not asking for anything in return. Just a sincere thank you as an acknowledgement that I've done something positive for him. I hope to celebrate my upcoming birthday which is a couple of days to go with him but I knew its impossible.

Not a happy ending for me but I hope this is what works best for everybody.

voyager 2 years ago

@ HighHopes Thank you for your kind words, we certainly are a group with a lot to say around here, and so many beautiful words have indeed been written by all. They say the best art comes from pain,so maybe we are a good example of that, sadly...

Yes, the text-speak thing... sigh.. maybe it's because I am over 40, but it drives me nuts when people type R U.. instead of "Are you.." etc

And birth order- wow- I could almost believe that many of your posts are sleep-written by me.. haha... I also am the eldest child tending to obsessiveness and martyrdom... but you lost me on the exercise thing... good for you though, keep it up, you will feel great!

@Anon - you should definitely pursue the writing angle if it interests you! I hope you can find the resources you need to get started. And as for work- wow- you have your hands full.... some people seem to attract trouble in certain situations, and I'm sorry if you find yourself feeling like that. Maybe the New year will bring some new beginnings, and fresh starts with a clean slate.

It is certainly worth pursuing if you think that a med change may be in order- sometimes a chemical imbalance that gets resolved can make a world of difference. It may help get you through the pain and into a happier place. My medical background is limited (paramedicine, not traditional doctor, but if further help is available and would be beneficial, it may be worth pursuing- either therapy or pharmaceuticals) I wish you all the best.

(And you asked how long I have known my crush- only 5 months- short compared to many here, but when you really click with someone it certainly does feel as though you have known them forever! ) :)

@missing him - I was just thinking the same thing that PDGG hasn't been on in a while.... best wishes to everyone who has moved on, including, sadly notwhatiplanned as well. Best wishes.

@missing him It seems that you are at a turning point with your crush- accepting the idea to slowly move on...that is a big step, I am proud of you. Can we be of any help?

@notwhatiplanned You will certainly be missed, but I'm sure that we all respect your your privacy and that of everyone else in your life. Please just know that we are still supporting you, and will certainly be glad if you drop back in sometime. Best to you.

@jadelola - Your story has an interesting twist with the Race angle... is this something that you want to do with him? You spoke about how much it means to him, but what about you? And it IS a huge pity to meet someone we have such great energy and chemistry with and they are already married... hard also if they seem to reciprocate our feelings. Life is indeed messy and difficult...

@all- So, here we are on the brink of a new year- I have not seem my crush in almost 10 days, and as much as hurts to admit it, it seems that a TINY bit of the pain has left from missing him. It is hard to even say that.... the first few days I was wild with sadness and missing him SO much that I could hardly get out of bed and function... but now... it has been so long....I still miss him like crazy, but SLIGHTLY less... unless my mind is playing tricks on me.

my question is- should I make sure that I do NOT see him on Monday , which will be the next opportunity, and just take the plunge to cut off contact and hope the pain goes completely away eventually? I'm afraid that if I get right back to seeing him in the same circumstances as before that it will just drag this hell out forever if we can't be together.

Should I take this opportunity? But then, I will also lose the friendship if I never see him again, and that hurts just as much, if not more. He is a good friend..... any advice??? More confused than ever!

Anon 2 years ago

@Voyager, this is a fabulous opportunity for you! and him! I don't know if he can fully appreciate what you may mean to him if he can predict when he will see you and bond with you. if you don't show up "as usual" you will be calling the shots. Go without seeing him until you think you can "handle" it, then go and see how you feel afterwards and if he seems to be missing your company.

At 4 months when I would not see him for 3 weeks, I felt so much better. For example, Around easter i was gone for a couple weeks and when I came back, there was a shift that lasted for weeks! After summer vacations, feeling better would last for a few days until some tender encounters or a meeting of just the two of us and then I would be pretty much back to the intense craving.

I am excited for you and think you can have it both ways! We will be here for you, remember. And you are not cutting everything off. You are seeing if you can find a happy medium so you are not in such excruciating pain all the time. Also you are seeing if maybe your absence will draw him out.

I think it's time you had some indication about his feelings and intentions with his family.

One day at a time, you've already been without him 10 days? That is so great. Many, many congrats.!

voyager 2 years ago

@Anon Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I have never felt so needy and unsure of myself in my life... usually I am strong and confident, but this has me turned around in circles....ridiculous...

It is definitely an opportunity for me to "break free" from this emotional prison for sure...I don't know about him though- it's complicated because he does bond with me, does share his hopes, fears and secrets with me... it's almost like a reversal of the stereotypical gender role "assumptions"... in this case he is the chatty one, telling me all his hopes, fears, dreams, etc and I am the one holding back a bit (even though my heart doesn't want to!)...

I am only holding back to try and spare myself further pain when I can't be with him, but on the inside I am emotionally invested already, I just don't let him see it. Whenever he says things that are too personal about his life, his feelings etc, I pull back and can't get into it with him because I am afraid to cross a line with him, so I just hold back completely and keep the conversation light and comfortable.

You said you felt better earlier when you wouldn't see him for 3 weeks- just better in that you didn't miss him so much. or how? What is the shift you mentioned? In your feelings or his? I am afraid of the exact scenario you mentioned- I am feeling a BIT better now, but if we get back to normal and chatting and sharing, the pain will come rushing back in, I am sure... because he is so close but yet so far, and all of that.

I am not worried about drawing him out, I am worried about not being able to stop drawing myself out, if that makes sense. I hold back out of respect for his marriage, however unhappy , and out of respect for him and his family. Whenever he turns the topic in any way to separating etc, I cannot follow through on it and usually change the subject or brush it off. Must be annoying for him if he really is trying to talk to me in a serious way. :(

And trust me, my willpower is NOT that strong, the 10 plus days away is circumstance, not my choice, as much as I would like to say that it is. :)

Anon 2 years ago

It will be 5 days on Monday. I have not emailed him except work related. Ones In the mornings. Usually I find an excuse to contact him on the weekends, and although I do have a good excuse, I don't want to upset his time off. So I will wait until tomorrow afternoon and again urge him to take time off so as to lose less vacation. I will also attempt to be calming regarding the "trouble" I made and give him some additional options of what to do about me (forcing me to give him a lap dance or bending me over his desk, will not be on my list unfortunately.)

Anon 2 years ago


I will have to think about that because our relationship is a lot different than yours. But you will know when you are not as vulnerable because you are thinking about him less. I don't think the craving and obsessing can take hold as quickly when we are feeling more objective and in control of our thoughts. But I will re-read some of your posts and give it a lot of thought.

Also, if you are soul mates, and It may very well be meant to be, , someone needs to say something I think..even something like. "it was a wonderful holiday. but I found myself missing your friendship/conversation/face (fill in the blank) How was it for you?"

missing him 2 years ago

@voyager: in my opinion, it is good to take up the opportunity as there are some benefits out if it:

1. You can give yourselves some "free time" to guage your feelings with the prolonged absence. It will somehow be less pain as the beginning.

2. You can try to find some other distractions / new interest that may make you feeling less obssessed.

3. You can gauge his feelings towards you by his actions upon the prolonged absence. If he care about you or miss you, he will find a way to get in touch with you.

@jadelola: to echo voyager's concern - do you really want to join the game despite his wife found out? How would other people look at it? Do you mind other people's view and gossips? Are you able to predict what will be his reaction upon the gossips? Are you able to accept those reaction from him? Especially if he act negatively towards you. Just some points to consider in my opinion.

voyager 2 years ago

@Anon - 5 days for you on Monday... wow! I admire your strength to only e-mail work related things... I'm kind of glad that I don't have his e-mail , or in a "moment of weakness" I may say too much... good for you! :) It is so nice of you to encourage his time off, even though I assume it means that you won't see him? A sign of true caring when we want what is best for them, regardless of how it affects us.

But who knows, he may look forward to your communication?!? ... life is not easy to understand. haha.. yes, desk fantasies make life interesting! Keep us posted on how things are going!

And if you have any other thoughts about whether or not I should cut off contact to save my feelings whether he wants it or not,, I would sure love to hear them- I know that our situations are very different, but I feel so entangled in this that I cannot think straight.... I have been counting the hours until Monday, but since I have seen a ray of hope with missing him a TINY bit less recently, I am thinking of maybe holding off, but the thought of doing that is tearing me up inside... I have been counting down the HOURS for 10 days... (pathetic?) I ultimately want what is best for everyone, him and his daughter and wife included...... but it is tearing me up inside. What is best for HIM?!? He tells me he is so unhappy, and I want so much for him to be happy, but I don't want to hurt his wife, (and she did decide to marry him way back when, so kudos to her for that choice!),and I also want for me to be happy- is there ANY way that this can work out well for ALL of us? :( I am so sad. I truly do not know.

HighHopes 2 years ago

It seems that a few if us here seem to be at a pivot point with our crush/ obsessions. At a point, perhaps due to the enforced absence over the break, where we could claim power and regain some sanity and control of our emotions.

@voyager - am 43 and wonder if this is a mid-life crisis for me. Am not surprised about you being an eldest child too! The decision for you as to whether after a few painful days of absence not seeing him by choice on Monday would help diminish the feelings? It's a hard one to answer and I guess only depends on how addicted you are to fuelling these feelings further.

I have the chance to see the object of my obsession on Thursday and while I could avoid it and so build on the absence of the last few days, I am addicted to the euphoria I get from even a few moments with him. Nothing could keep me away. Perhaps in time this will diminish and I will be able to make that decision to stay away but not at the moment. I wonder if obsession had a timeline to falter and fade? 6 months and going strong here.

I don't know him well at all and unless he really can read minds (as my son seems to think he can) he has no idea how I feel about him. He talks so sincerely to me and I feel such intensity from him I really want to know if he feels anything for me at all or if I've judged it all wrong. In reality he can't be as amazing as I have fantasized him to be.

@missinghim , it sounds as though you have made a brave decision based upon the situation your crush is in with wife due to give birth etc. I see that unless some miracle happens I too will be in the same position of realising too that there is no future with my crush. I can imagine though that letting go of the addiction will be very difficult.

@anon - I think we probably all think we are a bit mentally unstable here. My old friend I spoke with today suggested I see a therapist or get medicated for anxiety (she has no filter!). I don't think I need either but I'm more manic and angry than depressed. But I hope you find the solution to feeling more balanced be that with meds or therapy. Depression being anger without enthusiasm. Yes anyone who wants to write really should. Go for it! A blog, a writers' mentor program or just you and your computer/pen and paper. Let your words be heard.

Want to write more but so tired now. Goodnight everyone.

Anon 2 years ago

@Voyager. The shifting speak of is of living in reality over fantasy. The pain gets less every day. And then there is a point where you feel almost normal. You know he is there, but you are engaged in your own life. You start to think of him again as a person instead of as the be-all end-all. .

The parallels to addiction are many. Like other addictive behaviors, some may be able to enjoy the substance in moderation now that the addictive dopamine cycle has been broken. The lack of dopamine that you are getting when you are not interacting with him is what causes you to cry and feel depressed. It causes you to crave seeing him again. The longer you go without reinforcing the dopamine cycle, the less intense and frequent will be your cravings. If you go for a long period of time, your craving for him will likely stop.

When you reintroduce the object of your addiction after a week or weekend of abstinence, all the feelings come flooding back. But that is because your brain is still starving for the dopamine. It has not been weaned off of it. Think about it. Rehab programs are usually 30 days. But it means no contact, no creeping on Facebook, and unfortunately, no listening to lovesongs.

One of the points I am trying to make is that once you have freed your brain of the dopamine dependence by ending exposure to the stimulus, your brain chemistry at some point will normalize( unless you have developed a depression from the experience.) most people should be able to reintroduce the stimulus without immediately being addicted again. It will take more stimulus-response dopamine exposures to ramp up to a full-blown addiction again. Probably not nearly as many exposures as before, but I think you would know when you could safely see him.

Sorry to have gone on that tangent. I may have mentioned his recent 2 week vacation where he came back a few days late and I cried. But I had been in occasional contact with him and listening to music; I was feeding the cravings without fully realizing it.

I think he is aware that I am a doe-eyed dummy for him sometimes. And I think it makes him feel good. Technically a boss should not answer any emails that may encourage inappropriate behavior, but after this long, he knows I am not a threat in this way. I know he is not encouraging me to bolster his ego, but he is aware of a weakness I have for him and simply takes it as a compliment-not as an invitation to have an affair. And I think he is beginning to realize that I am extremely discreet and that we can be friends and a shelter for each other in a very challenging environment socially and ethically. I doubt he will push to move forward more than is comfortable for me. I am prepared to explain if I must, but don't think it will come to that. I just think it will fade away or continue on a very limited and controlled basis until I am no longer obsessed.

I think cutting and running before you know what his feelings are would be excruciating (and maybe not fair to him? ). I am hoping you can make up some excuse that you needed to take the bus at a different time for a week or two for some project or something and that there may be more in the future (that's not a lie. It could be the love-addiction rehab project). Anyway, I am not sure i understood your question. It sounds like you may think he is interested in an affair and so must end all contact?

Anon 2 years ago


You can't not give him a way to get in touch. Can you mail your work phone number to his place of employment? Or if u have a smart phone get a texting app and send him that number? Can you just start with Monday and Maybe Tuesday? It is so hard, I know, and 10 days is a milestone but You are still hurting a lot and should expect to feel pretty bad on Monday for most of the day. Oh I hope you can make the best of this situation.

missing him 2 years ago

@anon: wow your comments to voyager bring a new insight to me as well especially the theory about dopamine dependent and the 30 days rehab programme requirements.

@high hopes: yes it is difficult to let go but I took the opportunity of the absence for a week or two recently to slowly divert my attention to other interest. Exercise would be great idea actually but not really what I would do. I love arts and fashion so I took up online boutique as part time. But then again, the thing I'm doing is somehow indirectly related to his interest as well which i often find myself bring up this topic for our conversation. But that was the past. I will just continue what I'm doing with the hope I will not think about him slowly.

HighHopes 2 years ago

Really interesting comments about addiction which is what we all appear to have the physical and emotional symptoms of. The enforced withdrawal of the last few days has affected us all in different ways.

But just so tempting to push further to find out if there is some reciprocated feeling for us. I'm not ready to go cold turkey yet even though I know it would make it easier. While it gives me pain I need to see how I feel on Thursday. But yes @anon very wise words about addiction.

New year seems to magnify introspection of our lives with resolutions. Thoughts with you all at this pivot point.

Anon 2 years ago

@missinghim. How long was your crush again? It seems it was rather intense with a lot of contact. Right? I am so relieved that you seem to be taking this sudden turnaround so well. Bravo to you. Keep us informed though to continue to bolster your resolve and hope.

@all Like highhopes , I was using the experience as an exploration. I think her crush and mine unfolded more slowly. Had I been able to walk away at 6 months, I may not have.

@voyager On the other hand perhaps @voyager, with her almost daily lengthy conversations, may be ready earlier. If indeed the relationship has progressed more quickly and thus she feels she has explored the situation thoroughly. It seems there may be some unfinished business there. Won't this leave you forever wondering if this could have worked out? That could be very painful I would think.

missing him 2 years ago

@anon: I started to have crush on him since about 2 years ago. I told him about my feelings for him about 6 months ago. Yes the past 6 months was really intense. With lots of flirt chats and me being brave up to take initiatives to offer help and care for him.

@all: its my birthday today! Happy birthday to me :) lol

voyager 2 years ago

@HighHopes Yes, this is a time of change for many of us here- for the better hopefully, either by moving on past our crush, or at least finding coping mechanisms to help. I am 43 as well, but don't feel like it is any kind of mid-life crisis- it just feels like I have finally met the right person, but oh wait... someone else already found him... what now? Was it better before I ever knew him? It would be less painful, but I can't say that I could wish a life where I had never met him, painful or not as it is now. I hear you about trying to regain some sanity and control over our emotions. I feel like I am on a runaway train...

Have you decided whether or not to see your crush on Thursday or not? I am in the same boat as you, except mine is tomorrow, and I can't imagine purposely staying away either when I am longing to talk even for a while with him. Short term pain versus long term gain? I have a feeling nothing will keep me away either. Wouldn't it be great if we had an end point? This will last for six months and then go away if it is not meant to be.... that would be easier! (Why does your son think that your crush can read minds?) It would be also great if we could read minds... and know whether or not there is anything there, or just seeing what we want to see etc... My crush and I joke often that we must have both missed the mind-reading training at work etc, because it seems that people expect it. ;) Let us know how Thursday goes! Good luck. You are right, cold turkey has limited benefits sometimes.

voyager 2 years ago

@Anon What an amazing and helpful post about the physical and psychological effects of our addictions.... so true on many levels, and it DOES help explain alot, and make me feel slightly less like I am losing my mind if there are actually physical factors at play too. Thank you so much for writing that. And irt is even better that you can speak from personal experience that it does actually work to break the cycle and then re-introduce perhaps in a more healthy balanced way. I will re-read your post and absorb it again, there is a lot to think about. Your line about thinking of him again as a “person” and not the be-all, end-all really spoke to me. I don't want to put him on a pedestal as a “must-have -or-life-will -not-be-worth-living” object. Who needs that pressure? I firmly believe, not just with our crushes here, but any relationship in general, you have to enter as a whole person, not just dependent on someone to “complete you, or save you”. Loving someone and enjoying their company and looking out for their well-being is a whole other state of mind. You said it well. (but- what? No lovesongs! :( How will I get through! ;) ) No feeding cravings! ;)

Your situation is unique in that he is doubly difficult to have a relationship/ friendship with. He is both married, and your boss which adds to the complication enormously. And triple if you count his personality, and “role” where he has expectations of him that preclude a lot of shpowing of emotions, and “sharing” emotions and getting close to people in the work place. You have a difficult path, but see where it foes, and maybe it is meant to be and the way will open up for you somehow. Hopefully he will see you as a safe harbour for friendship in some capacity.

And I know that even if am able to cut away completely and never see him again (which is unlikely), it would not be fair to him. If nothing else, we have a rapport, a close friendship and to just ditch that entirely without notice would not be nice.. he may wonder if he had said or done something wrong, and I don't want to do that. And no, I definitely do not think he is hinting at an affair. I don't want that, and from what I can tell, he is thinking of a future where he and his wife have both moved on to a new life. He has mentioned how his life may be different someday with selling the house, not being with his wife etc... but like I said I can never follow through. The only time was once when we were talking about that and he looked over at me almost questioningly and said “But I am keeping my dog.?” So I just laughed and said , well, of course! Not sure what that whole conversation meant... anyway.

I think many things will become clearer if I can get the nerve to follow through on some conversations and sort this mess out. Thanks SO much for listening, thinking and replying. It helps A LOT.

voyager 2 years ago

@ missing him

Happy Birthday!!!!! I wish you all of the joy, peace, love, health and happiness both today and all through the year. I hope that 2014 will start off well for you and only get better as time goes by. It is your birthday, but we are the ones getting the present by continuing to have you posting on here, sharing your story with us. Sincere best wishes! Treat yourself to something fun! :)

jadelola 2 years ago

@missing him - Happy Birthday. I wish you a great year and a happy one filled with love,health and happiness!

I will write more later.

Anon 2 years ago

@Missinghim. Happy birthday! Tell us what you did for yourself later. For starters, change your name to @NOTmissinghim! Hahaha

@voyager Why didn't you say additionally, " ... And if we can not have the dog in my apartment, we will get a new place together, right?"

But actually it has made it easier to put my feelings in perspective and to behave. So much framework there. Not that I haven't thought out any and ALL possible scenarios including open marriage! And I will backslide and revisit them too I'm sure.

jadelola 2 years ago

@voyager - i understand your feelings about cutting away completely. If he is a good friend also I am sure his feelings will be hurt and he won't know why.

Maybe what he said about the dog was to see what your reaction will be like? I don't think he would throw a line like that just at one...I think you should for yourself follow through...get an understanding of how he is feeling. I would love to sometimes know how my crush feels about me.

@missing him - wow i feel many times about the convesation topics like you do. I also tell him everything and I like getting his advice about stuff as I trust him completely. He doesn't share that much but he doesn't share much personal stuff with anyone. But, there are times when I am quiet on purpose to see if he will try and make convesation and he does...

It's not easy to reach the point that you are at. Hope you are strong and will be able to move on as many of us should do. We are here for you :)

@Anon - I agree with @voyager about the writing thing. I like what you wrote about the addiction. I feel I am addicted to him..and I feel that after the weekend when we see each other he is very happy to see me.

@HighHopes and @Anon- my friend who knows about my feelings thinks i should speak to someone coz in her opinion while he might have feelings for me she thinks it's not normal to have a crush and obsession with a married man. I admit whenever I thought someone was cute and heard he was married I had a switch but this time it's switch in my head...

About the Race...his co-workers who also know his wife know about it..People know that I have a crush on him so it's no secret and when he realised that people knew he did keep a distance for about 2 months. But now we are close again and he knows that his friends from work still know that i have feelings. The other day his friend (at work and outside work) asked me next to him if I have a love song ringtone for my crush (after the friend realised that for him I have a special ringtone). My crush laughed. Yep, I do want to do the Race with him. It's fun that we have something we are doing together now. His wife will find out if we get in.

My friends think that if he didn't have feelings he wouldn't want to do the Race with me. I think that maybe he sees me as a guy friend-altough i am very feminine.

Today, we went to work with my car as always. He had to leave work at a certain time to take his child somewhere. I got stuck at work and told him to take my car and go to his child and I will manage to get back on my big deal. He felt bad and wanted me to leave but I couldn't. So , after arguing with him and him realising i had to finish my work he took my car and went. He phoned a few times to see how I was getting back and to tell me to catch the train and he will fetch me from the station (as it's a short walk from the station to my home). I told him no need to trouble himself (although i really wanted to see him) and I am fine. My friend thinks that we are acting like more than just friends-now this and also the Race. I think it's only natural for him to be concerned since he took my car and it doesn't mean anything. Am I wrong?

Hope you are all doing well and have a good week.

Anon 2 years ago


Your friend is setting herself up to have the same thing happen. She is so very wrong.

It's sweet that u both are happy to see each other after the weekend. I know that feeling. Supposedly women are more capable than men to be " just friends" with those they are romantically interested in. If that's all this can be, is it okay with you? It sounds like he is invested in the relationship. And he must need a companion and thinks the two of you have enough in common to support one another. Or maybe his motives are deeper, I don't know. I don't like it and don't listen to my husband when he thinks he can forbid me from doing something, like seeing a male friend, not that it hardly ever comes up. So hopefully his wife trusts him and understands our spouses friends don't always come in the flavor we w

HighHopes 2 years ago

@missing him - happy birthday! Wow I hadn't realised that you told him of your feelings 6 months ago and this has been going on for 2 years for you. Would you accept just remaining as close friends or would that be more painful? Really tough that his wife is about to give birth too.

@anon you are right that perhaps our crushes developed more slowly. While I have seen mine for the last 1.5 years most Thursdays it is only since June that it became a crush/obsession. I seemed to switch it on almost overnight after finally being honest with myself and admitting I have a less than ideal marriage. Since then it has been all-consuming. 30 day rehab may be the way forward.

@anon - It made me chuckle your comment about changing our profile names as our situation changes. I don't think @missinghim is ready for @notmissinghim yet and am not quite ready to be @nohope or even @hopeless!

@anon you are sounding very philosophical about your situation today and as though you can manage it. The insight you have into this kind if situation is really fascinating and makes total sense. I too remain open minded about the framework on which to hang these feelings. At the moment I would settle even for the fling.

You asked about my children a while back and if they distract me. I adore them but find them incredibly hard work (2 boys ) fighting and generally being little boys. I guess you don't put yourself first when you have children and enter this man who teaches them and gives them a skill and whom they respect .....and I am in awe. My son who is 8 says he can read his mind as I think he is the most intuitive teacher in the place and is brilliant with children.

You are so right about stoking the fire on the pyre of obsession with lovesongs and Facebook. I quit Facebook yesterday as even though he isn't on it , I would look for hours to find any link to him. FB not good for us obsessive types. Plus life is too short to read about what some random ate for dinner or how much more fun they are having than you!

@voyager- it seems that you are at the most critical point of all of us at the moment with your crush. I feel sure that you will go ahead and see him tomorrow. I wonder if you would have the courage at some point to let him know how you feel about him, even in a very subtle way. Is it possible that he has been dropping hints to see if you bite? I don't want to give you false hope but just knowing what you have said about yourself it seems that you are perhaps a very controlled person who doesn't give much away emotionally when face to face. It must be hard to end a marriage and I read somewhere once that men only end it if they have somewhere to go (someone to go to). Perhaps a subtle hint at how you feel to him would precipitate some conversation about how he feels about you. Only you know what you would be prepared to say and I completely understand how hard it would be to speak those words. Writing is so much easier.

Voyager I know what you mean about the pain of realising you have met the right person. I feel that too. Will be thinking of you tomorrow.

@confusedguy- I will go back over the posts to read your story but it is good to have the male point of view here and know that men can feel powerless and confused too.

@jadelola - are you back at work yet? Any update on the race?

No manic exercise today. Obsession is different from motivation apparently but have blurred the boundaries here. FB and sad music to be avoided but angst-ridden novels help. Reading Unless by Carol Shields with all that time I have having quit FB!

Anon 2 years ago

Friends don't always come in the flavor a spouse would like. But yeah, my point is, are you okay with this as just friendship? I'm not sure I could handle being alone and close to my crush. Not yet anyway...

voyager 2 years ago

@Anon... *sigh* yes, all of the right things to say always come into my head much later when it is too late. ;) Maybe the dog thing or something similar will come up again and I will be quicker.

I guess in your situation, having a framework can make it both easier and harder for you- yes, there are established parameters to help "do the right thing", whatever that may be, but the difficulty comes if the right thing lies outside of the established routine.. and backsliding is part of being human, isn't it. You also have the additional angle of dealing with a spouse and all of that issue. How can we help here?

Anon 2 years ago


Too funny! @noHope, perhaps there IS some for you yet! Seriously though, very good advice on the reading. And I will try to practice what I preach regarding good mental hygiene. You have inspired me!

With those boys in tow, must be very tempting to daydream. I do it especially with my 13 YO boy who just goes on and on about whatever macho thing he's currently lobbying for. Ugh! Oh but let my crush start telling me about his macho stuff and I'm wide-eyed and open-mouthed. Sad.

voyager 2 years ago

@jadelola Yes, I agree with you- ditching my crush entirely without warning to save my feelings would be a lousy thing to do, even if I was strong enough. You are right- I am totally going to see him tomorrow, no WAY that I can possibly stay away longer than 11 days right now at such a critical point.... every minute apart feels like it is killing me...

About the dog, I kind of got the feeling he looking for my reaction as well which is why I replied right away that of course he would never leave his dog. He loves her so much.

About the Race application with your crush- what is the timeline on that? Is it weeks or months- is it likely to be an issue with his wife in the near future, or could it drag on for a while before any kind of "confrontation" occurs with her about it? It is hard to tell, just based on wanting to do the race with you whether he sees it as something more or not, it definitely could go either way. He may see you as a strong and fit competitor, or he may want to spend all of that time with you, or it could be both! So many variables.... what is your gut feeling?

I have heard that if guys think of you as just one of the guys they will treat you that way, calling you buddy or bro or something like that, but that you will know if it is different.... what feeling do you get?

About the car thing- either way it shows that he is a decent guy- showing concern and caring for your well being, and being appreciative of what you did for him. Sometimes people around us can get a clearer sense of what is going on between two people than those right in the situation... if other people are noticing something, maybe there is something to see?

I agree with you - before if I met a guy that interested me and then I learned that he was married, it was like an instant "Off", "move on "switch... but this time is different for me too- I can't somehow, at least not yet... maybe because he initiated the friendship, and then we became close and soon after I learned that he was married it became apparent that the marriage was not really happy for either of them... so complicated, but I understand what you mean completely.

voyager 2 years ago

@High Hopes ... can I still call you that? it is so much nicer. ;)

I wonder if the realization of your less than ideal marriage would have occurred without the "influence" of knowing your crush.... I know that many single people feel that they would trade their current lifestyle to just "have someone forever", but having been in your shoes, it is hard. Fortunately I never experienced a life-changing crush like this during my marriage, I left simply because it wasn't right, but having these 2 big life events even at separate times in my life is hard... my thoughts are with you for trying to juggle an unhappy marriage and a crush on a married man at the same time. I know many others here are in the same situation as you. That makes a hard situation even harder. Can I help?

And raising 2 boys- you have your hands full! I wish I had the courage to delete Facebook too, but it is the only connection I have to many people that I had otherwise lost contact with, so I hate to pull the plug, but yes.... what a time waster! Candy Crush is evil... ;)

You are very perceptive- I am usually (except for here!) a very private person and don't give hardly anything away emotionally until I trust someone and am comfortable with them. You are a good reader of people if you could pick that up on here, I didn't think it was obvious..

Anyway, I am comfortable around him and trust him completely, but just hold back emotionally around him out of respect for his marriage, otherwise it would be GAME ON! There would be no holding back Life is too short for mind games... I would have past the point of being shy and coy and just gone for it, no regrets either way however it turned out, but his marriage is a huge road block STOP sign, even if he is trying to give me hints, tell me he is unhappy etc... I don't know what the right thing to do is.... Yes, it has been said that committed relationships can and do fail, but how do you have honest conversations without being inappropriate before that happens?... it is SO hard to know...I want to be with him so much, and I want HIM to be happy so much, with or without me, and I want his wife to be happy.... right now it seems that no one is happy, but the right course of action is often cloudy and uncertain... one step at a time I guess.

Are you back to the exercise tomorrow? And ..I don't know... if I can't have my sad songs, are you really allowed to have angsty books...??? ;)

Just kidding. Whatever we need to get through. :)

And the decision is made, I will see him tomorrow... *so weak* ..

HighHopes 2 years ago

@jadelola your crush has obviously now processed the idea that you have strong feelings for him and still wants to be friends and do things with you. The fact that he laughed about the ring tone and he clearly wanted to collect you from the station too and appreciated the loan of the car.

My feelings are that if you want to do the race with him then you should. It's his lookout to consider how his wife will feel about it. But like so many of us here, you are a decent person who doesn't want to be the home-wrecker. Like I said before, I don't believe it's at all easy for these men either. Even if not happy in their marriages it's hard for them to walk away and a massive risk to bear their soul as perhaps they are as unsure of themselves as we are. So suggestions of races and lifts and moving out with dog as in @voyagers case are a way of connecting but without risking emotional exposure. I should add that from what you have said, these men sound like good and decent men.

It was mentioned in the origin article that if a man leaves his wife for you how could you trust him not to do the same to you. While there are the serial philanderers and charmers in this life I don't think that one can write off all men who leave their wives in this way. Sometimes it just doesn't work out in a marriage and it's no-ones fault.

Can totally relate to the disapproving friend thing. I wonder why for so many this is such a taboo area? You simply cannot help who you are attracted to and while you of course would in an ideal world both be single, you can't simply tell yourself not to feel that way. I regretted telling friends as they were judgemental at worse or dismissive of it and I feel let down by them. Perhaps as has been said before they think we will go after any married man or their husbands. But I am only interested in just that one man and no others and have never felt a desire like it before. Pheromones, electrical impulses, past life memories or whatever it is that makes it so strong, deny it I cannot.

@everyone - If I had a friend in such a situation, like you lovely people here, and he/she trusted me enough to confide in me, I would listen without judgement and support them. Never just say it's wrong because you are married and you may need counselling as it's not normal.

So glad that you are all here.

HighHopes 2 years ago

@voyager - you're a good person and not weak at all. You need to see how you feel tomorrow and how it develops between you as it does sound at a critical point for him as well as you.

Good luck tomorrow. Be calm and gorgeous and here's hoping that before too long @voyager will become @happilyarrivedatdestination. Wherever and with whomever that destination may be. :-)

Past midnight now so off to read more 'angsty' novel where the protagonist's problems are worse than mine! We are definitely allowed the angst-ridden as @anon said so!

HighHopes 2 years ago

...... allowed angst-ridden novels that is. Not allowed just angst-ridden!

Anon 2 years ago


You're not weak! It may be that you felt better because you knew the wait would be over soon. I'm not sure what the physiologic mechanism would be here, but I'm sure I've experienced it too. Talking about euphoria, I think I was so high after our meeting the Friday before last that I have had no problem with the little gap in seeing him.

And @highopes, I so enjoyed your comment about stoking the pyre of our obsession. Hahaha, maybe we can laugh ourselves to a more comfortable place in all this. Also, that post was beautifully written, thank you so much! It sure helps to have support! I am more excited over this group than seeing him on Tuesday! You had mentioned that It seemed I thought I had a handle on my feelings. that is because there is an opening in the lab that I used to work in where, if I could secure the position, I would see him only when I thought I could handle it. I have told him that if my bid for the position is unsuccessful, I will be leaving the agency. But it seems I may be able to get away from him even before I know the decision about the lab position. He had another admin resign last week and said he would hire that replacement for the desk. I have to get away from the desk because I am too close for comfort. I see just enough of him to keep me yearning for him. Boring job + hot boss = wicked fantasies and eventually, addiction = painful waste of time.

missing him 2 years ago

I'm feeling so sad today as my crush did not even bother to wish me birthday and never bother to talk to me at all. And he just went offline just like that. And impossible for him to be doesn't know or forgot as everyone in our chat group wishes me in the chatroom itself. I try to convince myself that he is not feeling well or he has personal issues so don't get mad at him. I tried to IM him asking him to take care of his health. His response is just ok. That's all. Omg this couldn't be hurt more!! I know I shouldn't be expecting him to do anything. But treating someone who care for you like this? I cannot imagine how cruel he has turned into.

missing him 2 years ago

@high hopes: omg I can't stop laughing at not missing him and no hope or hopeless.. Thanks for the good laugh! :) you're really cool!

Anon 2 years ago


Did you see what she called @voyager? that was really funny too and she and voyager had some funny things to say regarding lovesongs and such. it does help to laugh, but very hard not to be hurt by someone you care so much about.

Do you think there is any possibility that he is trying not to lead you on and thereby sparing you more pain? Also I was reading about a study where they found it is easier for women to be friends with a man they are attracted to than a man to be friends with a woman he has a strong attraction to, what do you think?

Anon 2 years ago


I am trying to save my journals etc on Wordpress because I read it has a time-out feature. I don't think I have been able to get it to work though.

Also, any hints about hiding a link to this page? I'm going to have to password protect my tablet as my son found this page open the other day. I am pretty sloppy. Wish I were more obsessive about these types of things.

voyager 2 years ago

So thank you for everyone who was hoping it would go well for me today. Well, it didn't go at all. (disclaimer) feel free to stop reading now.... As soon as I saw that he wasn't working today, something happened inside me. Something not nice, something not pretty and that I never want to feel again. I gave up. I surrendered emotionally to the cruelty of life and feelings . I got so immediately angry... angry with myself for letting the longing to see him build up so much, angry at wanting him, angry at missing him so much, angry at loving him so much when there is NO point to it at all. It is a hopeless path I am on, wishing for something that never was, isn't and never will be.. I hate this helplessness and futility. I hate feeling powerless and trapped in something that is consuming me body, mind and soul. Time to grow up and be an adult. And then I started crying and I couldn't stop... still haven't stopped. I can hardly type. - crying because I was angry and then angry because I was crying ... crying over some stupid pseudo-relationship that I had built up in my head and is ruling my life with no basis in reality. He is Married, he is not mine to miss, not mine to see , not even mine to talk to probably.. I hate this. I vowed then and there as I was pathetically walking home crying that this was the END of it. Heart of stone is better than this hell. I want to break free from him, break free from the pain of wanting to be near him and help him and love him. Break free and live the rest of my life under a rock, feeling, wanting and doing nothing if need be. This is horrible and I am not going to live like this. I will find some way to get a message or something to him that it isn't his fault, I do care about how he will feel, but I need to break out of this emotional jail and I am kidding myself if I think that anything will ever come of us besides heartbreak for me. whatever... I must know someone who knows someone who can contact him, give him some message, just to spare him from wondering if he did anything wrong, and that is why I can never see him again.. and just let him know the classic “It's not you, it's me” line and that I will not be seeing him anymore. Ever. I can't do this. Sorry for venting, I am at the breaking point, something has to give, and it is has to be this stupid fantasy future with him, because it is killing me. Real life – score 1. My fantasy life with him- score 0. I give up. I will not let this rule me in this way, this is not healthy. I will hide in my dark room for a few days, get all of the heartbreak over at once, and then move on. There is no other choice.

Anon 2 years ago


When that has happened to me, I also wondered "isn't he dying to see me too? Why would he take a stupid "flex" day and work at home if he hasn't seen me for a week." So I would be mad at him too. It is so-so painful. It's scary also to see yourself so out of control over... an everyday occurrence would you say? Our hearts are with you. We understand it was not an everyday occurrence. That it feels like water in the desert. That you thought you could drink deeply and be refreshed. You'd been looking forward to the oasis for so long. You have another day or more of travel until you get to it, but you have decided the oasis does not have water after all and that you do not want to go "window shopping." As it will only make you more thirsty.

If it were only like Jesus said, "the living water I have will quench your thirst and you will never thirst again" Before my clinical depression, I could feel the presence of the Holy Spirit in my life. Once I started taking meds, I could not feel it anymore. But this has got me thinking, has this crush gotten me able to "feel" again? I've cried more in the last 6 months than in the last 12 years

missing him 2 years ago

@everyone: thanks for the wishes!!

@anon: yes I just saw the post about safely reached at destination for voyager :)

And yes there could be such possibility that he doesn't want to be friend with me anymore due to that (someone he is attracted to) and doesn't want to lead me on - I will appreciate his effort but at the same time I hate him too for breaking my heart just like that. Sometimes I just give up to find excuses for him. Its really tiring.

About Facebook, I couldn't just shut it down as I have some friends that I would be contacting with other than via Facebook. And I have my online boutique also having Facebook page. So I will just need to continue that, although yea I agree it is time wasting tool browsing what others had for breakfast lunch dinner. Haha..

@voyager: I totally understand your frustration trapped in such a situation and I have scolded myself umpteen times that "he is not mine to be missed. He doesn't like me at all why I still be so selfless begging for his love where he is not in a position to provide? Why do I keep offer help or do things for him secretly when he doesnt even need it? He has wife to hive him massage if he wants to, he has wife to cook breakfast for him if he wants to, he has his wife to do anything that he needs for him if he wants to. In turn he can love his wife more. He can take his wife to travel around the world with him more. That is how he can return her favour. He doesn't know how to return my favour, maybe that's why he doesn't want to feel owe me more, although I told him I dont need anything in return. Who am I to him? A leech who suffocate him? I don't want to be that."

No matter what, I'm still feeling sad the way he is treating me.

missing him 2 years ago

@voyager: I was crying on my birthday and I spent my whole birthday in the office. Until 11.30 pm, a colleague of mine (another married man - a desk beside me) asked me why would I end my birthday in the office?? He asked me out for drink, I agreed and when we reached the place, it was closed. Then he felt so sorry and asked me whether I would like to go to the next available drinking place which is like 30 - 40 km away. I declined and suggested that we better go home and have some rest since we nwws to work the next day. Oh well, I appreciate his company but I don't want to create trouble to people surrounding us. There are people who care - my boss treated me for lunch today, another colleague treated me coffee, my teammates bought a cake for me, my best friend bought me a bracelet, and here a bunch of friends who care for each other - those are little blessing in life. Our life do not revolve around our crush only - if we are willing to look at things on a wider perspective, there are blessings everywhere. Good night everyone.

missing him 2 years ago

Sorry it was wouldn't on the fb part. And also it was happily arrived at destination for voyager :)

voyager 2 years ago

thanks @Anon and @missing him for your replies. Kind of numb right now, but it is all my own fault, nothing he even DID, which makes it worse somehow, as if this whole life drama is unfolding only in my head, and he has no idea. Of course he can take a day off work, why is this so important to me?!? Well, the obvious reason is because it is the ONLY time I get to see him.. and my whole life pre-occupation right now is with him... even if we could be togethe, probably not a healthy start.

@ Anon - you gave me a lot to think about in your post. You have a good way of putting things into visual images which works well for me. Still can't stop crying and want to bury my head in the sand forever or until the pain stops, but your perspective helps. Maybe he is just a mirage, and not the oasis I thought... who knows. And you said it accurately, it is the being so out of control over my feelings about this that is so scary.... yes, a guy taking a day off work between Christmas and New Year's is really a normal everyday event, nothing for the world to end over. That is partly why I feel I must end this, everyday events like this should NOT precipitate a crisis on my end..... get it together girl.

@ missing him I am so sorry that you were crying and sad on your birthday... it is hard any day, but I'm sorry for the way you are feeling...It was nice of the other guy to offer to take you our, sorry it didn't work out. It is hard- when your crush does that, it still hurts no matter what the reason. I tell myself the same thing over and over again,.... he has NOTHING to gain by being with me, and a lot to lose. It is easier for him to keep things the way they are. He has a good job, a wife, a daughter, a home, a dog he loves, friends, his health etc.... even if his marriage isn't "happy", he has a lot, so that leaves me.... looking forward to seeing him for 12 days and feeling like the world is ending when he takes one 1 extra day off. I see how ridiculous I am being when I write it out. Here is to better days ahead in 2014- and I will join you in the quest to get over "him ", both yours and mine, and move on to better days in 2014. sincerely ,@stillvoyagingbutheartbrokenbecauseIlovehim

voyager 2 years ago

@Anon... crying more in last six months than in 12 years..... wish I could help... I feel your pain.... @ missing him..... why is life so cruel? :( Wish I could help you too.

HighHopes 2 years ago

@voyager - was so sad to hear about your day and how utterly desolate you've been feeling. 12 days of longing and anticipation of this day and then he's taken a day off. I can only imagine how you must have felt and it reminded me of how I felt when my crush wasn't at the Christmas dinner he said he was going to. Complete agony and yet for all present (for you at work) you have to hold it together. I haven't cried about not seeing my crush but more about my being married and feeling bad for my husband that I don't feel more than friendship for him.

Sounds as though @anon has been in a similar position to you and I agree that it is scary to see yourself so out of control. It seems that he has become everything in your life and I think it would be good to try to 'be a better you ' on your own terms rather than hoping that he can fix you. As I think you mentioned, your current state of mind would not be a healthy start to a relationship with him or anyone for that matter.

By no means am I saying just smile and pick yourself up and move on....that would be impossible. Perhaps this period of dispair and darkness is necessary and you will come our feeling differently.

You don't mention anyone else in your posts, family or anyone and I totally respect your privacy and by no means wish to pry but is there anyone you can spend time with to make you feel less lonely? I know we can't share our stories with friends due to the almost universal disapproval but I'm sure your friends could just be there for you if you let them.

I understand it's hard to let people in and if you are anything like me, you are the listener, problem solver friend who swoops in to help if needed (eldest daughter and inherent need to be liked and to please people etc). I have an almost pathological case of 'volunteering Tourette's syndrome' too...but that's another story. Even if you are helping a friend out perhaps it will be a distraction from your pain?

I wonder after your tumultuous day, how you will feel when you actually see him? Treat that desolate day as a turning point day for YOU, irrespective of him and although still hurting, vow that you will not feel like that again. He cannot fix you......only you can do that. Big virtual hug to you!

They say that depression is 'anger without enthusiasm'. I feel fortunate never to have had depression as I have a bit of an angry chip on my shoulder about life which keeps me on the um 'enthusiastic' side of the spectrum. @anon has good advice about this I think and perhaps the pain you are feeling is a kind of grief. But if you are feeling really low and can't get out of it, please don't suffer alone.

@ missinghim - I have to give due credit to @anon for the @notmissinghim. I thought it funny and expanded upon it. It's good to find some humour in these posts through out pain. Sorry to hear you cried on your birthday but heartened to hear about the kind gestures you received. You are so right that there are blessings everywhere and widening our perspective can help these blessings come into view. Perhaps in this strange time betwixt Christmas and New Year nobody is behaving as we expect them to? It's almost like everyone slows down in a kind of anticipation of the new year. I crave the normality now and a bright shiny new year.

@anon- yes wordpress a good platform for a blog to get your written word out there (to a less niche audience than us!). Add the link when you have it up and running. You write wise and witty words and am sure you would have many followers of your blog.

As for password protection here, I don't know how to do that. Sorry to hear your son saw an open page (could have been worse though, right?!). I would hate for my husband to read this but I write on my phone and then clear the site address from the history each time I search. How good would I be at the whole affair thing with that level of cover?! But that of course is not the road I'm going down.

I guess for you it's a double edged sword for you in having no strong or spiritual feelings when on anti depression meds but then ultra painful feelings with your obsession over the last 6 months. Is there a preference I wonder?

Not back at work till my boys go back to school so distractions are plentiful. Due to see him on Thursday a whole new year. But fear or something just today has made me dread the thought of seeing him. After the Christmas break and long absence him not being there or not getting a chance to talk will just be too much. I really do understand how you felt @voyager. But I shall go and probably say nothing as he makes me increasingly nervous, but the mere sight of him will give me a fix for a while. But mercy on my soul please don't make me have to endure watching the man do slow push-ups in the warm up. That's more than any girl should have to bear!

@everyone- wishing you all a happy, healthy 2014 where we can all strive to be the people we want to be and cast aside the shackles of obsession. x

HighHopes 2 years ago

Eeek had to correct my typo! Despair ....totally unacceptable typo in last post and totally unacceptable feeling for us ALL.

voyager 2 years ago

@HighHopes... thank you for your reply on my dark day.... I don't often feel this much in despair, I consider myself a spiritual woman of faith, but today was utterly painful emotionally. I feel that I can relate both to your Christmas dinner, and the marriage... I also could ultimately feel no more than friendship for my ex-husband which led to our ultimate divorce... not saying in any way that that is the right course for you, every scenario is different, but I DO feel your pain...

Yes, i am normally strong and "in control" of myself, but my crush has me on my knees unintentionally in this case... I have never felt so strongly, and felt so weak at the same time. What a strange sensation.... I don't like it.

As for my family, I have 2 adult daughters, I left their father many years ago... and have lots of supportive family and friends.. as we all know, this crush on a married man thing is tricky..I have lost one dear friend over merely discussing it, so am careful to risk not losing others..... I talk to them about " a guy I know", but leave out the married part in case they think I am just out to randomly steal husbands everywhere, which of course, I am not... I am not even out to steal HIM, the love of my life, but that is how it goes... I am fortunate to have a couple of friends who will not be judgmental in any way, so feel blessed in that way... I like how you mentioned grief though, because even though it traditionally applies to "established" relationships, the love I feel for him as a person, and believing that we can never be together is a huge GRIEF in and of itself, but is more painful because it cannot be acknowledged..... this situation is so enormously painful in so many ways.... I hope that we all can get through it.

Hopefully things will get better for you once your boys are back at school, and for @Anon about the password issue... I have no advice as my computer here is my own, with no privacy issues. I want to help you, but have no concrete advice. :( Best to all...

PDGG 2 years ago

@voyager I am so sorry that you are having "the day." I had that a while back when I realized that I had to give up on him. That night, (I must have listened to "Survive You" by NKOTB about a million times that night) I cried myself to sleep, but the next day I felt a bit better. And every day since has been a little better than the day before. Yes, I still see him at work and I will always love him, but I have accepted that I can't have him and that has helped me enormously.

Hope everyone is doing well. There is so much to read, I am definitely behind on you guys!

I am amazed at the amount of people that have come and found comfort here. I am so glad that others have found solace here as I have. It has certainly helped me on my path to find my solution to "crush on a married man, how do you deal with it?" Hang in there. It'll get better. :)

missing him 2 years ago

@stillvoyagingbutheartbrokenbecauseIlovehim: wow that's a long name! :) thanks for your heartfelt reply. I'm feeling better today although I'm still sad. And I had lunch with our lunch gang including him which I need to pretend nothing had happened. I think I'm quite good in acting or pretending. Should've joined entertainment industry, probably I could get an Oscar! Haha.. Jokes aside, i do hope yourself and everyone here found a place for console and slowly relieve the pain in 2013. Sorry for your heart broken and feeling down. We will always be with you here.

Yes, I do agree on telling our friends part as the society perceive this as morally unethical. I told a best friend once, and the first thing that come out from her was "stay away from married man!!" after that I just stop telling her about him.

@pdgg: glad to see you again! How are you doing recently? Hope you've found your happiness. And I will try to listen to the song trying to survive you:) Cheers to 2014!

@ high hopes: i always want you to be in high hope instead of hopeless or no hope :) thanks for your reply, let's put a high hope that 2014 will be brighter for all of us.

all; I really love the theory about the oasis in the desert! Window shopping create more crave over the object of obsession. It felt like self deceive that all the fantasy playing in the mind and hoping them to become real some day. Then the reality hit us on the face at the end of the day leaving heartbroken sad individuals.

Anon 2 years ago

@high hopes & @voyager (OMG I was kinda relieved i did not have to respond to posts by @Notwhatiplanned . I abbreviated it to NWIP the first time! that would make @voyager's new handle @SVBHBBILH (@StillVoyagingButHeartBrokenBecauseILoveHim). Phew!

Anyhow, about the spirituality. I think I am feeling more emotional and spiritual. The ADs have not been able to Numb this CRUSHING, unexpected and tumultuous emotional experience that is hopefully winding down. I hope I can transfer some of my feelings, while i still have them, of obsessive awe & adulation etc. to my Higher Power like I did this morning.

@HighHopes, the problem is with the lust. How do I transform that? Thanks to high heaven I've never seen him do slow push-ups, (ahh, the slow ones being SO much more sensuous than fast ones- Especially when perfectly executed, eh?) Also, sublimation is not my thing. Any suggestions? Oh, I think I already got one- riding horseback!!!

@all, if I don't post much, it's because boss-crush and I are negotiating a possible early resignation because of these miserable people we work with. Warning your director that you may sue his employer has to be done strategically and delicately (especially if you love him!) Unfortunately boss-man had to defend our employer against a coworker not long ago, and I think it did him in. Last week, when I met with him after our disagreement (first one in 10 months) it was a great meeting. I showed him all my cards (except for the suing one.) it was a great heart to heart I thought and at the end, he said he might beat me out the door.

I got signals from him today that he wants to talk off the record. And he's encouraging me to take a lot of time to think it over. I think he wants me to consult with an attorney. What a mess! Why can't I just let them abuse me and leave? Why do I always have to tell them when their treatment of me is not legal? They are the government for crying out loud! Argh!!

jadelola 2 years ago

I am feeling a bit down today...

Today, I had a meeting at work at 13:00 so I told my crush that if he can I want to go eat at 12:00. He told everyone else that we are going to eat lunch at 12:00. During lunch he teased me as usual and I punched him usual. He warned me that if i punch him again he will pour the humus over my head...he teased me again and i didn't notice and i punched him and he was true to his words.

My friend when i told her later said that we are acting like a couple...i think she has it all wrong.

Anyway, i am not upset about's New Years Eve and he is going to friends with his wife and obviously he will be kissing her at midnight. I am all alone and I am so damned attracted to him!

Also, I told him I might be going to friends so he asked who will be there. I said i don't know. He said maybe you will kiss someone and tomorrow morning you will phone and tell me you spent the night over ...he said something like he will be supportive...and i really don't want him to be happy if i meet someone !!! Anyone, that with me not feeling so well today got me really down :(

Afterwards, he started talking about the Race and i must do strength exercises...he confuses me but i don't think he is attracted to me esp. after what he said about meeting someone :(

@missing him and @voyager - sorry to hear about your unhappy days. Hope you are feeling better. I will write in more details later..

@pdgg - nice to see you are back. Hope you are OK.

Happy New Year everyone.

missing him 2 years ago

@jadelola: omg, if my crush or anyone ever did that (pouring humus over my head) I will be damn pissed off! You have such high EQ that prevent you from being mad at him. And yes j agree with yiu that his signals are really confusing. Maybe the race is because he thinks you have the stamina and maybe there's good chemistry that helps during the game? The meeting someone part maybe because he knew he can't be the one so he hope you can meet someone? Or maybe he is trying to test your response towards his suggestion? I'm not too sure, sorry I am not able to help in this! :(

@all: my bf celebrated new year with me. He gave me a good foot massage and watched fireworks together and seems like really care about me. But I don't want to make a decision during my vulnerable time. He is still my bf as a matter of fact, at least currently. I'm still feeling vulnerable out of my crush's actions.

Anon 2 years ago

Like rain running down my hair and neck and torso, you slip through my fingers. There are many memories of generous, warm, enveloping downpours... Now becoming short, less frequent and too often cold..

Shall I look for rain and clouds elsewhere? Or will I try to hold the sparse showers that are dampening my hair, maybe my fingers... noticing and wondering all the time, Where has the rain gone? When will it come again?

HighHopes 2 years ago

@anon those words are beautiful. Are they your own? Thanks for writing them here.

We've had a New Year's Day of torrential downpours and the thoughts of how the year ahead is going to be better.

Due to see my crush tomorrow evening and am 50% excited and 50% dreading it. If I don't get a chance to talk to him I will be deflated and that makes me not want it to happen.

Yes @missinghim- totally agree with you that we are all vulnerable due to our crushes actions. We are completely powerless due to the nature of the situation. As @voyager said before, if only they were single then it would be GAME ON! @missing him, your bf sounds very lovely and perhaps he had those feelings about you? Worth exploring perhaps when you are on the right frame of mind.

@jadelola- I just read about your last post and the actions and words of your crush sound very confusing indeed. I think we need a male perspective on this one. On the one hand the humus incident (which sounds more like a comedy duo than a couple) and on the other hand even going into the territory of talking about you kissing and spending the night with someone else . It's not one clear message here at all.

Big sigh - so attracted to my crush with uber levels of lust. What a cruel biological trick! Sometimes I think if only I could somehow know whether he has even fleetingly thought the same way about me I would be happy. But of course I couldn't possibly know that. If men are supposed to be thinking about sex more than women though then surely there is a chance of that? I wish.

My crush isn't married ( I am) but has a long term partner with whom he has children. I can't decide if that makes him 'cool' to buck the marriage convention or just plain annoying for his partner (who is annoyingly beautiful btw but only seen online picture). I wonder if our judgemental marriage purist friends are just as disapproving about having a crush on an unmarried man in a long term relationship. Just as bad or not?

voyager 2 years ago

Just dragged myself out of my dark room... wanted to wish you all a Happy 2014. Better days ahead for us all... please!

HighHopes 2 years ago

@voyager - glad you're out of your dark room. Hoping that 2014 treats you well.

Anon 2 years ago

@high hopes

Yes, my words, could use help. I think most of them could've been chosen better.

I think I was describing how it feels to be drenched in this very sensual experience and then realizing it may be slowing down. Do I keep reliving it, holding on, or do I look for new horizons? Kind of a sadness there as there is nothing in the world like it.

I have not seen him now for 9 days.. And yesterday I did not think of him when I awoke or for much of the day. It feels good to be more free, but I wonder about our meeting next week... But plenty of time to worry about that!

You however, are going to see THE MAN very soon. I am excited for you. I got a lot of mixed signals from mine. Any man in my crush's position knowing a woman is hot for him would likely do the same. He would come in to the reception area, and a few times when he was conversing with a few others, he caught me looking at him. I had the vantage point sitting whilst they stood. We would be positioned so we could see each other, with me not being easily seen by the others as I was behind a counter. Below the counter is a desk height counter where I would rest my elbow, jaw held in right hand, my face at a diagonal watching his expressions intently. His smile is so unique and charming, that I could not help but dreamily smile upon seeing it. Suddenly I would realize a little late because I was focused on his mouth, that he had caught me staring at him. This happened a f few times. My gaze would also zone in and out on his facial features sometimes against my will when we were talking in his office. I wanted to memorize his face so I could imagine it was him making love to me at night. I was simply entranced.

I think you should engage him in conversation and study his features like you are kissing them with your eyes. Let him catch you staring at him. I was not very cool at all about it, but you can Check the internet for tips on interpreting and using eye contact.

I think because of decreasingly available and mostly privatized employer healthcare coverage here, the long term partner scenario is very limited in the middle class at this time in the US, so I have a hard time interpreting it. Here, women who are committed will wear a gold band even if they are not technically married, to ward off unwanted advances. Here, I would say if a couple go through the trouble of making it known that they are unmarried, it would be because they want to remain available. Otherwise they should keep their mouths shut and pretend to be married.

Although I don't want to steal her man, her picture that boss-man keeps on his computer desk facing his visitors, is not all that flattering. So maybe it's possible that I can engage him in some very intellectual flirtation made okay because he would never even entertain the notion of being unfaithful. Although on some days, I'd be hard pressed to avoid succumbing to a fling myself.

Broken 2 years ago

Glad I saw this post! Even more happy to see how active you guys are in sharing and helping others :)

Well, just thought I'd let this out here. So, here's my story:

I met this guy because of a family member, they want us to work together. Since, we're not close, i assume he kept on texting me just so we'll be friends and for the business thing to work out. Eventually, we had to stop with the business thing. But he still talks to me everyday! And by that i mean he always sends the first message. We even talk to each other 'til 2am (all innocent messages btw). At first of course I searched if he's married and yes he is with 3 kids. He never mentions them, not even the wife. Whenever i bring up a topic about his children he just answers my question then we're off to another topic. So we're like that for a few months and i assumed that maybe they're about to separate. Tried searching for his wife's accts online bfore but didnt get to see any. But last month, i tried again and boom. I saw afamily picture posted last october, with comments on how happy they look and what a great couple they are. Im so confused and angry. Confused on why he has to text me everyday talking about anything under the sun. I mean, if he sees me as a friend, you dont normally text your friend everyday specially til 2am,right? Angry because he led me to feel this way about him. Am I just assuming things? What does he want from me? Im trying to be distant and all because even though we dont flirt with each other, i know it's still not right for me to talk to him everyday. He's 6yrs older than me btw.

Hope someone can give light to this. Sorry for the typos if there are any. Trying to type my heart out lol

HighHopes 2 years ago

@Anon -yes, it hurts to think of letting it go as indeed there is nothing in the world like it. I think I would lose lots of motivation (to exercise etc) were it not for him. Back to my usual motivators which are guilt, fear and embarrassment none of which are as effective as love (or lust or whatever you want to call it).

It seems perhaps from your comments that marriage in the US is partly driven by fiscal and healthcare considerations. There are some financial benefits to marriage in the UK but thankfully we still have our National Health Service which is mostly amazing and makes me proud to be British.

Patriotism and money aside though it is still quite unusual to be unmarried at his age and demographic. He wears no ring but has not advertised this to me in any way and has referred to his 'wife' once before. But due to my 'research' a reliable source of evidence (not a human source) reveals that he is not.

Your intellectual flirting idea is an interesting one as it would be my preferred approach too. My flirtation (from yesteryear) was almost imperceptible to the human eye and not altogether successful. I tended towards sounding ultra in-control, capable and talked about science. No wonder it had limited appeal.....unless I happened to stumble across a 'thinking man' who was happy for me to be in charge!

A long absence certainly makes us question ourselves and the thoughts of our crush. 9 days for you and it sounds as though the vice-like grip of obsession is becoming less. But we don't want to lose this feeling so we try to cling on. 9 days is nearly third of the 30 day program though. Do you know when you will see him again?

Some satisfaction for you that his wife's photo is less than flattering but the fact that he has the photo there is perhaps a message. Or perhaps it's the done thing if your desk is big enough or she gave it to him to put there! Some intellectual flirtation would certainly be an approach.

Eye contact is a huge subject. Will look online for interpretations as this has been a separate area of interest for me. I don't have a problem with direct eye contact but notice that people can't always look straight at me and I wonder if I'm doing too much.

He has no probs at all with direct eye contact with me and with a devastating smile at the same time. Yes, like you am entranced. I will try to be brave enough to let him see me looking at him. But like you, don't feel at all cool about it and it is as though I have a big sign saying 'I fancy the pants off you' over my head. Not cool!

It would be good to know if they like us in any way though or enjoyed our conversation more than just an acquaintance or colleague. Keep us posted how it goes. 4 hours to go now after a 14 day wait. That's almost half of the 30 day program....but the program will have to wait as am not ready for it yet . ;-)

HighHopes 2 years ago

@Broken - a warm welcome to you! Your post crossed with mine but will read your story and post back later.

This page has been a wonderful find for me and the advice from the other crush victims is a huge source of support. While we my not be able to fix your @Broken status, we will be here to listen and support. More later.

Broken 2 years ago

@ HighHopes - thanks!! I'm so confused on what we have. Well, clearly we have nothing but there seems to be something here. You know, if he was just single, we would have mutual understanding then it will lead to a real relationship. But, it's totally different. And, I think I'm having mixed signals, really. Is he just nice? but nice people don't engage conversation with you everyday, right? Why don't he just chat with his wife if he's bored or something. Why do I have to suffer and nurse my heart alone. I hate him.

missing him 2 years ago

@broken: welcome to this page!! And happy new year to you. It's sad to see another heartbroken with the nickname of broken :( hope you'll be @fixed soon! I understand your frustration of the guy being talking to you everyday until 2am. I've experience this with my crush before, we chat on fb until we both asleep which was about 3am. But I were the one initiating the chats just to accompany him doing his assignments. I just love the idea of doing my stuff while accompanying him doing his. Back to your case, he is the one initiating the chats which is so questionable. Have you ever thought if asking him questions like "are you the only one awake right now?" Or "so your wife sleeps early? Why don't you sleep earlier too? Its bad for your health thou".

If you don't mind, hope you can share what are the topics that you guys talked about daily until 2am so that we could have a better idea to comment.

@high hopes: would you mind to share more about the 30days programme? besides not seeing him for 30 days, what are the other requirements?

Broken 2 years ago

@missing him - Happy New Year to you as well! :) No, I don't bring up conversations re: his wife. I do ask about his kids though. I just don't like him to think that I'm being nosy about his status. He might pick up that I have feelings for him and it might look as if I'm checking if he's still available

Broken 2 years ago

@missing him - Sorry didn't get to see the follow up statement. Well, random stuff like hi how are you, what are you doing, slept the whole day? (Because sometimes i respond hours after, just to shorten the time of conversation), random daily activities, music, funny pictures, funny videos. Stuff like that

Anon 2 years ago

Welcome @broken! I hope we can help

U Feel less alone through this. If he is a hurting guy taking solace in your attentions, you need to straighten that out ASAP. I could be wrong but he sounds like a predator who means to take advantage of any weakness you may have for him. I would either confront him in the plainest language possible, or block hi calls.

Broken 2 years ago

@anon - hi there! Well, been stalling his messages for quite some time now. He even noticed I was acting strange towards him (through sms, we don't see each other now) I can't really think of him as a predator, he's a nice guy. Even other people tell me he is. But I guess I'll never really know for sure. It's hard to cut off communication that fast. First, maybe he just needs a friend and i'm just assuming stuff. Second, it will leave a negative impression specially that he's a family friend. Lastly, I'll never stop thinking of what ifs. You know if and when they separate will there be a chance for us to start our relationship now that I just disappeared from his life

Anon 2 years ago


Ahaha "I fancy your pants off". I love it, love it! Yeah, I freaked him out with my gaga eyes so much so that In September we were side by side as he was showing me some emails to read in his office and each time we finished he PUSHED himself HARD with his feet AWAY from my chair. I did the same. We'd have to scoot back towards each other as we were practically at opposite sides of the room. The older you get, the less u care about making a fool of yourself.

Oh God, last year I was in his office threatening to blow the whistle on the agency. The poor man was such an emotional wreck that he got on his knees and begged me to consider the effect it would have on my life and the life of my family. It scared me, but I remember it fondly. Things like that don't happen every day!! Lol!!

@anon 2 years ago

If you are smitten with him you will not be able to get it out of your head if you walk away before you understand his situation. Sorry to be so judgemental. It's an example that although he is technically not doing anything wrong, most people would have the impression that he was and is not being honest by not being more forthright and open about his relationship and children. Wouldn't your mutual friends agree? As uncomfortable as it is, you are going to have to clarify his intentions and decide on some limits that will make it more comfortable for you. You seem to write well, and I bet you could describe your misgivings in a gentle and thorough manner to preserve the friendship.

I too feel very frustrated with my husband of 22 years who is not a talker like me. Thankfully I have my kids and friends who usually meet my needs. But from that angle, I can understand why he may just be enjoying the company with you! Wow, if there were an unmarried man that I clicked with who was willing, I could go day and night texting. But I would be respectful of that man's need for sleep and for a mate who could really BE THERE for my friend, no matter how good the communication. So unless he will be able to be there for you in the foreseeable future, he needs to give you time, emotional space and support so that you don't miss opportunities because he's got you all tied up. That's not fair, and if he really cares for you, he will want to help you achieve happiness. He will not want to compromise your chances, but he will be happy to have your friendship while you are living and progressing in life. I figure he's male and they are not good at these sort of things. He probably thinks only far enough to know you both enjoy each other, your not crossing any lines, why bother bringing up the can of worms to sort out if you're just enjoying each other? Broken, unfortunately it's always seems to be the woman's job to broach the unpleasant subject. It stinks, but being nags to men when they are acting like children is unfortunately usually the role of the woman.

HighHopes 2 years ago

@voyager - you ok? You haven't written much lately but here when and if you're ready.

@ missinghim- the 30 day program was mentioned a few days ago by @anon in terms of the 30 day timeline for rehab for addiction (alcohol, drugs etc). @anon astutely recognised I think that this crush thing is an addiction like any other. Perhaps we all should devise a 30 day crush rehab program - as far as I know, there isn't one as yet.

@broken- I've read your story. It seems that your situation is unique in that you don't work with him or have a reason to see him regularly. As many here will agree, sometimes there are confusing and mixed messages from their crushes.

Your situation means that he can be free to contact you without the restraints of a work situation. You said that the conversations are innocent but you have strong feelings for him and talking until 2am is bound to be giving you more than an impression that you are more than friends.

Then, boom! You see the happy family pictures and of course you are angry and confused and upset. He obviously enjoys talking to you as do you him. But if it's confusing and hurting you, perhaps you have to bite the bullet and ask about his wife. It's obviously his secret that he is talking to you when his wife had gone to bed but you deserve to be more than someone's insomnia distraction.

I agree with @anon that it's great to find someone you can talk to when your partner doesn't talk much or understand you. But you have feelings too and the fact that you have found this page means you need more. I think he would happily pretend his family don't exist on your chats, but they do and while it doesn't make him a bad man to indulge in a little escapism it can't go on much longer with you feeling like this. You have some power here as it's all just between the two of you with no work boundaries so I would ask some questions. It would be hard to cut contact without knowing a little more.

@anon - glad to introduce you to an English phrase and to clarify, pants does not mean trousers in the UK! I imagined the scene with you and your boss moving your chairs back when reading the emails. That could be in a film! If we feel such a connection then surely they must feel something too? They must, they really must.

Was he literally on his knees to you that time or metaphorically? Yes that would be one to remember.

Saw the object of my desire this evening. Not able to talk as he had started teaching. After an absence of 14 days I was shaking like a leaf and it was like starting from the beginning . Had a chance to ogle him while watching my sons (well mostly watching him!). He definitely looked over at me while I was watching him, but I shall try not to torture myself by reading anything into that. Hook, line and sinker for me I'm afraid.

@everyone - I do feel for all of you who have to see your crush at work. It must be so hard going in each day feeling shaky and not being able to focus.

Onwards we struggle.

voyager 2 years ago

Yes, I am here, @High Hopes. Thanks for asking. Day 14 without seeing him today , and it will be another 4 days. I can't last that long. I was finding that talking about him on here was just making it worse, and miss him more, if that is possible. But not talking about him is hard too. You saw your crush after 14 days today, but couldn't talk at all.... nice, but horrible at the same time.. I feel bad for you, Onwards we struggle indeed.

Welcome to @Broken. You are in good company here, it is a fine group of people with a common heartbreak.

Anon 2 years ago

@Voyager. You are so, so right! Telling stories about our crushes and trying to jointly analyze their signals may be like the lovesongs- Just keeping that dopamine primed. It will definitely be a challenge for me to try to avoid this. However I must answer HighHope's question about fond memories of my crush on his knees ; )

@HighHopes, yes he was literally on his knees. We were the only ones in the office. I had not known he had been at an employee hearing of termination for most of the day. unfortunately whenever anyone is fired in the agency, he is the axe man. He looked frightfully hagard when i walked in. unfortunately I also had a BIG axe to grind with Him, but had I known about the hearing I would not have gone to see him even though he had been avoiding me for weeks. I guess thats why he wasnt handling my issue with my manager. He had been working on this termination feverishly.

Anyway, a couple hours into what had become a heated argument very quicky as he was so worked up and defensive, I pulled out my biggest gun and said taxpayer resources were being squandered by this manager for her personal vendettas and that I could prove it. Then he knelt from his chair and approached mine walking on his knees, my eyes growing wider as he approached wondering "WTF is he doing!" He couldn't get quite in front of me or grab my hands because i kept scooting far enough away to the frontal side of him to maintain my personal space! That's when he literally begged me for the sake of my family, not to pursue the issue as it would be forever in the courts and would monopolize my life.

That was November 15th of 2012. I think he teared up in front of me 6 weeks earlier. I can't quite remember the exact conversation, but the issues were related to the one that generated the kneeling.

3 months later I called out sick after issuing an ultimatum to my then boss who was applying for a promotion. I went back to sleep and woke up a couple hours later from a dream of him making love to me. I laid in bed for awhile recalling how gentle yet authoritative he was in my dream and then thought I'd better check work email. It turned out there was a very gentle email from him requesting a meeting with me written about the time I was waking from the dream. That's what started the crush 10 months ago.

I am sorry you did not get to speak to him at the lesson! Are you disappointed? Maybe it was best since you were shaking with anticipation? Perhaps he missed your visage since he found you in the crowd of parents.. I wonder if he was looking to see if you were looking at him or to see if you were there? Did you get to smile back? And did you ever find out why he didn't go to the dinner party? I am falling off the wagon with my diet. What do you think about to motivate yourself to exercise? Do you think of him looking at your whole body or do you imagine yourself talking to him?

You know HighHopes, most truly loving and spiritual people are highly motivated to encourage spiritual growth in others. I think you should make sure to hear more of his views. Why not meet him for lunch. Offer to "buy" in exchange for a "lesson" If he's far from you, there must be some desireable place to walk or, shop near his place of employment. Or better yet, there is probably a physician or other practitioner near to where he is that would make for a good excuse to stop by. Oh and what does the "fancy your pants off" mean in the Queen's English? What would it mean if he said to you "since I'm the spiritual type of guy, be assured that I fancy you with your panties off, or on!"

HighHopes 2 years ago

@Voyager - glad you are still there but sorry to hear how you are struggling. 4 more days and you will probably half dread the day now. I think I could have almost avoided it today and felt OK as I had those 14 days. It's true that the longer away you have the easier it gets. But yes, we do fuel things on here by talking about them but am not at the stage yet where I want to stop fueling.

@Anon - you're funny! The 'on the knees' scene is yet another one for the film version of your crush story. I would miss the humour if I didn't come on here.

Yes, my sole motivation for exercise is the thought of him I'm afraid. It is the only thing that has ever worked and gets me pulling on lycra exercise gear in a flash. The side benefits have been fantastic though and I think I will continue no matter what. Writing a book too is something I always thought about but have started since crush. Blurring the boundaries between obsession and motivation seems to work for me.

No sea of parents this evening, just me and one other so I wasn't hard to spot. Inwardly I was a pathetic shaking creature....perhaps I should know him by the written word only. No talking tonight so no clue as to why he wasn't at the dinner, not that I would ask him anyway. I smiled (probably too much) while pretending to watch my boys, but not directly at him.

My only hope is to bump into him one day away from Thursday night. I know where he works....and is in the healing profession (although not a physician in the traditional sense). I would rather pull out my own eyelashes than make an appointment with him! A disloyal nemesis of a friend (who I made the mistake of telling) made an appointment with him in October even though I begged her not to. She said he was very professional and fixed her problem (even though there was no problem). She also said she thought he and I would be well matched. Highly annoying of her to do that and say what she said about him. I have given her a wide berth since then as I don't trust her.

Anyway, another week for me to wait now but work starts on Monday and school so at least some normality. Thinking of you all.

Broken 2 years ago

Thanks, guys! Will look for the right moment to bring it up without sounding snoopy. If I were you, how would you do it?

HighHopes 2 years ago

@Broken - it's a hard one as you know how you talk to him and when we like someone we want to be nice and say all the right things. You could try something like asking if his wife is asleep or you could go for the more direct approach and say that you don't feel as though you can continue your conversations without knowing more about his family situation as being a family friend you don't want to cause problems. Tough one I know.

@everyone - all positive momentum gone today. No motivation to do anything but eat chocolate in between stopping my children fighting. One weekly sighting is clearly not enough and last night was deflating. Trying to focus on negatives (slight regional accent and subtle lisp) but even the lisp is damn sexy. Big sigh!

voyager 2 years ago

@Broken I agree with HighHopes.... do you have a sense of which might be more well-received by him....indirect questioning to learn more, or just go for it straight up? I am in the same position as you- not exactly sure of his situation and even when he brings it up I find it hard to know how far to push it without seeming too nosy about his marital situation etc .... not an easy situation.

@HighHopes Oh my gosh, once a week is all you ever have? That is mentally cruel.... Especially when it turns out like last night for you with no chance to talk. If you feel anything like I have been the last couple of weeks, I could actually cry for you. I wish I could make it better for you. Take a no exercise and eating chocolate day... guilt free.

@Anon - Yes, your stories are always fascinating ... I never know what is going to happen in them.. Lots of visual imagery. And I don't know about you, but I can't help feeding the cycle... it's all I have right now... 3 more days... bring on the saddest hurting songs ever. 71 more hours hopefully, but then I thought that last weekend..18 days total, but not feeling any closer to the 30 day break free plan. :( How are you doing?

Broken 2 years ago

@Highhopes and @voyager tough one indeed. I can't really ask him straightforward like why do you have to text me everyday or do you like me or don't you realize it's wrong for us to text everyday. It's just that I know what we're doing is wrong but it's not really that wrong because we're not flirting with each other, we're having a clean conversation about 'things'. I know I have extreme self control, you can even give me an award for it. But, gah! okay, it is wrong and I can't even fix it. I can't tell him because I just can't, there will be awkward air between us if I do that. And I can't handle that because I know one of these days we might bump into each other. I need an escape, without him knowing or noticing anything. He said good morning thru a social app and I didn't respond to that so he texted me 5 hours after asking how I was so I just said I'm ok and really he's starting the conversation. Since yesterday I've been doing that and I've been minimizing my response to "oh okay" "oh haha" . And I think he will soon label me as lame for being like that haha

jadelola 2 years ago

@Broken -these guys are excellent at sending mixed signals and confusing us...and it's worse for us coz we have feelings. I think that most of them enjoy that there is someone out there that likes's great for their ego. We know it's wrong but if we get a response back from them we love it...we also like the attention as @HighHopes and @Anon mentioned and while we know it's wrong we can't stop it and want people mentioned here..we are addicted.

I also get mixed signals from my crush...and its frustrating...wants to join a reality show together...then on New Years tells me that maybe i will kiss he text me on our whatsapp group (consists of me, him and another guy friend) and he knows that other guy doesn't text back or read whatsapp...doesn't like it ...only me and my crush write.

Anyway, while we know it's's hard to stop and honestly, i personally don't want it to stop .

Any guys here? ???

We should have some kind of instant notifications when a new comment is posted here coz I can't keep track and i am swamped at work :(((

Have a good weekend all!

Anon 2 years ago


So you said you can't go on like this, constantly being reminded of him by him even though you try to appear "lame" via text, etc. My crush will often not respond to me for days on Facebook, although he will eventually. I text to his work cell phone, so he will often not respond to that, period. Unfortunately that will not work for you.

Are you hoping he asks a question like "have I done something wrong?" To give you an opening? And then there is always trying to buffer what seems an awkward statement or question by shrouding it in humor. Like "wow, you keep the hours of a vampire. How have you managed to hide this from your family?" But of course, those are easy questions for to shrug off and if he continues to avoid the question, you will feel like you are prying, because you are!! And you will be prying because he is obviously avoiding the question/s. one would think he would realize that you need an explanation from him about the intensity of his communications to you. Which brings me to the question of whether he is adequately employed and if he is not, if that could be causing trouble in the marriage? Although counterintuitive because divorce makes finances worse, employment status and financial insufficiency, primarily of the male can destroy a marriage. Maybe he is trying to distract himself from a profound sadness here. if your discourse is that of friends, maybe you could happen on the right family subject that he will talk about with you. As you astutely mentioned, even if there is an issue with his marriage, he should be willing to talk about his children, right?

@HighHopes, I think you are turning this into a primarily positive experience. I just feel badly about the pain it is causing you, "desire being the source of all suffering." Including what must be the incredible the pain of owning up to the unsatisfactory (to you) state and future of your marriage.

@all Maybe because there is no possible way to extricate from my own marriage without doing the most severe harm to those I love (and I do love my husband profoundly. The years of loving support and adoration from him far overcome the lack of chemistry we have.) Whether that will be true when the children are no longer around and finances become simpler, I do not know. But for now and the near future, there is only the possibility of friendship with other men. If I can not be just-friends with this man that I appear to have a physical attraction to, then there will be no relationship at all. Except perhaps in 5 or ten years when I may decide to boot my stinky 64-69 year-old-codger off the couch and exchange him with another that is 3 years older. Hahaha!

I recently made friends with a woman of about 70 years, who RVs all summer by herself and returns to her husband in Florida every fall. I can imagine that scenario as I have left my old man for the road a few times. The most extreme example being when I moved out of our suburban home in September of 2012 with my teenage daughter to live in the old jockey's quarters of a horse-farm. We moved because she needed a change in friends and the school she was going to did not suit her well (she was in agreement with the move.) Although I had been talking about changing the kids' schools for years, I was not getting "buy in" from him. He was pretty mad for a couple months, but settled down and things were pleasant on the weekends when I came back to see him and my son. For this school year beginning 2013, we purchased a smaller home so we could all be together again, as my son was also in agreement to change schools.... Gotta go, may finish later..

voyager 2 years ago

@Broken... Not sure if it is helpful or not, but I have struggled with many of the same issues as you... feeling that we're not doing anything "wrong" because we are just "talking"... but I have to admit to a bit of second guessing on my part anyway- yes, we only just talk, and only in person, no email, no text, no phone calls, but I'm not sure where the line is, and don't feel comfortable to discuss certain things with him when it feels like crossing a line, even if he initiates it. I have to admit to a bit doubt about whether it is okay or not for him to be discussing his unhappy marriage with me, especially since I don't know if he knows how I feel or not. (I think I am being a bit obvious, but whenever he brings up topics to close to the heart, I run away. ) Is it the same with you? I think it would be awkward between, the same as you said if I say certain things out loud... so hard to know what to do.

It seems like you are pulling back from him a bit because of this.... it is so hard to know what to do. Or maybe I am kidding myself, and well know what to do, but just don't want to... :( I know that I would be heartbroken if I walked away and lost the friendship too... and what if there is a CHANCE for any of us? What if his marriage has already been over for a while,....people do leave marriages and move on because it isn't right for them.... what if we walk away and miss the chance ???? This is so awful...

@Anon You have had a lot of big steps with going to the horse-farm...was it just for her, or you trying to feel free a bit too? Why is life so messy and complicated.? it sounds like you are trying to do the right thing for your kids, so that is great. We need a balance- to find the right thing for EVERYBODY, which is not easy.

@jadelola- Yes, we are certainly missing the guys perspective around here... hoping all is well with notwhatiplanned and Confused Guy... I think that both guys and girls enjoy the feeling that someone likes them, it just gets really confusing and hard if both people happen to like each other, and one is not available. Life stinks sometimes. What are we supposed to do?!?

Three more days countdown... should I talk to him, or just build on this momentum of almost 3 weeks absence and stay away? :(

Lauren 2 years ago

I echo so many of the comments above to say that I am so glad to have found this page to see that there are many others out there who are reaching out via this medium.

I am in my early 30s and in a situation where I am in another country away from my husband for several months. We have been married for 6 years, but we have had some issues recently. I met a man in his 50s (I will refer to him as "John") who is a co-worker, but does not directly work with me, and is in a position of some prominence. I wasn't attracted to him at first, but I have slowly developed this crush that I can't seem to shake. I haven't had a crush like this since I was in college. The strange thing is that I only became attracted to him once it seemed like he was showing interest in me. I do wonder whether part of why I'm feeling this way is that I've been away from my husband for so long and I am somewhat unsatisfied in our marriage. Whenever I see John, he seems to be looking right at me. He finds ways to make contact, like shaking my hand in thanks but then prolonging it and moving up my arm. He playfully nudges me at times. He is very intelligent, funny, and well-respected man, but he is married with kids. We haven't talked in depth much, so I'm not surprised he hasn't mentioned them, but I know this from conversation with other co-workers. I'm know that I will get over this once my job here is done and I return to my husband. But a big part of me wants to have a quick fling. I feel so conflicted and terrible. But at the same time, I am so motivated to go to work every day to see him.

voyager 2 years ago

Welcome Lauren.... I think your words conflicted and terrible pretty much sum up how most of us are feeling. Everyone here has a unique situation, yours included. Do you feel that you would have ever been attracted to "John" if you weren't away from your husband, and he hadn't shown interest first? Not easy.... as we all feel if you have read any of our stories.... this situation for everyone is a complicated, confusing painful mess...... but welcome, we are all here to help each other.

Anon 2 years ago


Yes, I was very frustrated with my husband by that point. I'd been in pain for over a year trying to figure out what to do. I needed him to be invested in agreeing to SOMETHING about this problem, or separate so I could do something. I was glad for the opportunity to spend time away from him. I needed to get over my anger at his do-nothing attitude regarding the children, which I did. Related to his do-nothing tendencies is his general fear of novelty and change. Breaking free helped me to test (again) if the relationship could continue to work with these differences in personality and style. It did and it does. I end up taking most of the lead, but my husband has been willing to support my decisions of the last 18 months including HUGE financial ones, involved in moving our family. My primary role right now is "parent of messed up kids" Unfortunately I have a couple teens who are emotionally immature and sometimes unstable. Our relationship is good enough that our "team of 2" can provide the most stability over any other arrangement. It is far from perfect, but there is love and tolerance in our home. My husband gives me a lot of leeway to be me. A lot more than I see other women having. I consider our marriage to be open regarding my personal growth. This has been the story for the last 22 years and continues to be the story. I'm way too practical to forsake all of that for another man, even if he were the perfect mate. So this is really a short story about physical attraction that will most likely end soon as I am planning to resign soon. I will ask him if I can keep in touch, but even if he says "yes" it remains to be seen whether or not he is interested in a friendship with me. It will be easier for me if he is not interested or able to be my friend. Then the struggle will stop immediately. Either way though, it is bound to continue to get easier with the exception of a few days following each meeting we may have, when I will be in heat again. Oh boy, I find myself looking forward to that but there is the possibility of some real contentiousness between us at will. So I could end up hating him with an absolute VENGENCE! ahh c'est la vie.

Anom 2 years ago

@comfused guy

Thanks so much! I am quitting my job because I can not focus also. In your case, since she is married, it may be for the best. I compliment you on your courage. Is this true of married men also that They can not be friends with married or single women who they are attracted to? That's kind of sad.

Anoni 2 years ago


Welcome! It sounds like a connection to me. Apparently it happens more often that women are attracted to promint men who display characteristics of success and leadership. So once John showed interest in this very warm and sophisticated way, you took more notice. It makes sense to me.

I don't know ,the effect that a fling would have on your marriage. It's a subject that hopefully be addressed here.

I probably would have steered clear of affairs at your point in my marriage, but then again I am not in your shoes. One reason I would have steered clear is because the infidelities I had in my first marriage were all either stupid, disappointing or guilt-producing and were not worth the weeks of pain that followed. The sex was good in my first marriage. What was missing was the strong friendship and emotional component.

Perhaps if you are only interested in sex and if he has sufficient time to devote to the activity, it could be enjoyable. Do you have any children with your husband? If you become physically involved with this man and fall in love with him, will it make you more dissatisfied with your husband?

I think it is natural to have low points in a marriage even at 6 years. I also think if I had it to do all over again I would have chosen someone more compatable with me intellectually. Morally speaking, if this man is the cheating type and he doesn't cheat with you, he will cheat with someone else. So if you will not be too guilt-ridden, and you think your marriage can handle it, I don't see a problem.

Anon 2 years ago



I reread the end of your post. There is nothing wrong with looking forward to his attention. Having a fling will probably just ruin it for you. My advice is to try to keep a low profile to prevent gossip and enjoy!

Broken 2 years ago

@jadelola @anon @voyager i guess if we have a hubpage acct we'll get notified. Not sure :)) @anon he is a successful guy, maybe it's one of the reasons I got attracted to him, I feel secure. @confusedguy so we're not assuming things if the guy keeps talking to us? It means there really is something?

I think the best thing to do here is to maintain the friendship if we can and to not expect anything. Constantly remind ourselves that they have a family of their own. Lets not close our doors to other potential men out there. I believe that you really can't love one person, there will come a time that you'll meet someone special that will make your heart feel alive again. It just goes down to how stable you are in your current relationship and how you remind yourself of the good things that has happened between you and your other half. I guess running away from him will just intensify my feelings and will clearly solve nothing, just an escape. If I can't tell him straight, then I just have to put up with him as long as I know I'm not crossing the line. After all, it's I who allowed myself to feel this way. Writing this makes me love him a bit less, and I hope that when you guys read this you'll feel the same way. If he's using me just so he won't get bored of his current relationship with his wife, then I will return the favor by still talking to him until I find my own "real" man. I wish my crush is also searching google "how can a married man stop texting another woman" so that we're even :)) I will still continue to talk to him just not 'til midnight. What do you guys think?

Also, I'd like to share to you what I've been doing. Might help you a bit:

*I cried once I found out that he is indeed happily married

*I spent a day of daydreaming about us just to let go of the emotions I have inside

*joined a support group, which is this

*I kept thinking of negative things about him

*I kept telling myself he's not worth it and the repurcussions of us having a relationship during or after theirs

*I browse the accts of my past bf's and see how less he is compared to them physically

Lastly, I tried to see my real value. I know he's not worth it for now. There. Hope it will help you guys along the way even though it seems that I'm the youngest here and the inexperienced one on marriage stuff. Will update you of my progress. Fingers crossed!

Broken 2 years ago

In addition to that, I said to myself "why me? Why don't he just talk to his wife or someone else? Maybe I'm special, to think that a successful and happily married man keeps on talking to me must mean something. It may be because I'm attractive and I have a great personality. And maybe someday I'll meet someone greater than him who will see the same thing. What I should do now is wait for that person and to not involve myself to someone I know I'll regret later on." Maybe I should buy him a book on how he can have a strong relationship with his wife. Might give him a hint and will also lessen the guilt I have on how I can be an instrument on the failure of their marriage =) =) =)

missing him 2 years ago

@everyone: just managed to read all the comments here! A mini success for the day :) I've been thinking about the mens' perspective regarding

Guys cannot be friends with a woman unless he is NOT attracted to that woman

So that is why he doesn't want to be my friend anymore? Sometimes I find it ridiculous for a mid age man to play such an act. I were feeling sad that he never bother to talk to me or wish me on my birthday when he knew how much his wish means to me. Plus feeling disappointed with his attitude changes. However until yesterday, a friend of friendtold me this, if you realy care how the other party thinks about you or if you worried how your action will affect the other party's perception on you, then the other party is just a normal friend or just an acquaintance. If you doesnt really mind whether the other party will be mad at you for your actions, then it is because he/she is your close friend. So close that you know he/she will definitely understands you and will never be mad at you for such a small issue.

missing him 2 years ago


I have a question:


1. me telling my crush I like him.

2. Me offer him massage and initiated hugs. He accepted but with guilt feeling.

3. He told me this will not last. I said I don't mind. He said all these activities will waste my time, will jeorpadise my relationship with my bf and will make me fall for him deeper. I said it will not.

4. Then I broke up with my bf, and my crush told me he doesn't want to be the root cause of out break up. I assured him that this happened not because of him.

5. I got back with my bf. I told myself, I don't mind what he think about me or how he treated me. I just want to love him to care about him and to help him whenever he needed someone to be there for him. I don't even mind if that makes me look like a servant or PA.

6. I tried to stand out and view from an outsider perspective, is it worth it to continue to contribute and sacrifice for no return knowingly.

7. From my own perspective the rationale will be love is blind, love means to sacrifice for your loved ones and doesn't require return. Love is to be by his side supporting him emotionally when he is down. Love is about trying to help h solve his issues or to lighten the burden. Love is about no matter how he treated you, you still will trust him will love him.

Yes I know, many people will tell me point 7 will be done, but not by me. It will be done by his wife.

Let's just set the wife factor aside. Should I pick the outsider perspective or my own perspective?

missing him 2 years ago


Additional to point 6:

You will not only will not get any return from your advances/sacrifices/contributions but also you will be seen as a threat to every woman with husband. And he will be seen as a jerk who betrayed the wife eventhou he did nothing between us. As a result, he will avoid further in order to stay away from the gossips. You will also be seen as nobody wants you, and that's why you are here begging for his existence in your life.

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