"Would you choose someone who loves you or someone you love?"
My friend asked me this question when I was still in high school. I still remember what my answer was. I told her that I will choose the one I love because I rarely fall in love and as a hopeless romantic, I will fight for love no matter what it takes. All along, I thought that fighting for someone I love is the bravest thing to do no matter how painful things can get. I thought that once I have found love, I should dive right in and let my heart lead me.
A decade after, I'm still thinking about this question. I fell head over heels in love with a guy and fought for him until he left me for someone else. There are so many thoughts running around in my head like "Is this how love feels like?" or "Are all the sacrifices and pain really worth it?" The entire relationship feels like pushing a boat through sand. I was forcing love from someone who did not love me. I was watering a dead relationship.
I know there are people like me who loved and lost. We all chose the person who never loved us back and we paid for it big time. We all understood that sometimes the best lessons are learned through pain. And sometimes, no matter how much we want someone badly, we cannot force someone into loving us or choosing us. Unrequited love is the worst kind of pain that anyone could feel. It feels like waiting for a train that will never come. We are hoping that someday they will wake up and realize how much they love us, but it never happened.
Have we given a thought about those people who loved us but we took for granted? Those people who cared about us, accepted and loved our flaws? Maybe the reason why we got hurt is because we're making the wrong choice. Maybe we have to choose someone who loves us more than we love them.
It took me a lot of effort before I finally realized that choosing someone who loves me more is worthwhile and here are my reasons.
He will love everything about me - He will love everything that I hate about myself including my physical flaws, my insecurities, my fears and my mood swings. He will be willing to learn everything about me like how I get sad, how I get mad, what are my thoughts and many more so he could learn to love every part of me. He will love me when I cannot even love myself and teach me how to be gentle with myself and embrace my emotions.
He will love me unconditionally - He will love me at my best and even at my worst. He will love me when things are great and when things are rough. He will take good care of me and will always seek my heart's best interest. He will be willing to compromise and make sacrifices.
He knows my worth - He will never leave me because he need me. He will never put himself in a position to lose me. He knows that there will never be someone like me. He won't have to lose me for him to see my importance. He will make me feel like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world.
Before we think of ignoring that person who showered us attention, treated us nicely and loved us unconditionally, think of that person who played with our hearts and took us for granted. We all deserve better than that. We deserve to be loved, cherished and taken care of. Maybe we are not giving enough chance to people who need it most.
tt on May 30, 2019:
I agree with you - but it takes a lifetime to learn this lesson.
We human tends to take things for granted - we also want things that we can't get or hard to get -
I once heard a song...."Bad boys bring you heaven- good boys go to heaven" We like boy that treats us like crap - or boys that don't appreciate us or challenge us - or boys that don't love us as much as we love them. while other good boys love us and we take for granted.
Bottom line - follow your wisdom, your head - don't follow your heart -
However, pain is part of the game - part of learning to love and endure the pain -
I am lucky enough to stay with the one that loves me who I know be totally loyal and faithful - The one that I love - he can't guarantee me that - even though he said he loves me - well, his love comes with a price - which is no guarantee and causing too much pain. The more you love someone the more pain you get.
so don't love someone too much because the pain is going too much.
Pimala on August 05, 2018:
Thank you. I've been at war with myself for so long..I needed this..I feel so relief and at ease with my decision now after reading your article. I really hope I make the right choice choosing someone who loves me more.
MariaExcala from Germany on August 27, 2017:
i agree :) but i want to work for that special someone too! i would love to have that much importance from another human being, and i will give my all if he does give his all to me.
Emilea Andrews from UK on August 24, 2017:
most boys i went out with became a-holes after some time, some guys were nice but we didnt really click, until my girlfriend confessed to me and i knew i found someone who will treat me good as much as i treat them
June Liandra from State of Wyoming on August 23, 2017:
be careful on what you wish for, because you might get it! people like chasing what they like, and never usually not knowing that someone chases them too, it's only a matter of time until people chase the people who chase them and love will bloom beautifully, excellent hub!
Paz Andrade from Spain on August 23, 2017:
i definitely agree, some people don't know how lucky they are when they have someone who cares deeply about them, i sometimes wish i didnt care that much about the guy i've been with,
and i could find someone who will love me that way, i will still keep my preferences, but i'll make sure he receives all of my love
dashingscorpio from Chicago on August 23, 2017:
"Would you choose someone who loves you or someone you love?" - Both!
One without the other usually spells unhappiness at some point in time. If you're not "in love" with someone you most likely will never give them your all or even feel happy.
Some people end up cheating on those they're not in love with.
On the other hand if you're the one who is madly in love but your mate doesn't feel the same way about you it simply means you don't (love yourself) enough to find someone who does love you as much as you love them.
To truly be "in love" is to be in a (vulnerable) place.
One reason why people "settle" is simply because they are tired of being hurt and disappointed.
A few years ago Lori Gottlieb wrote a book titled:
"Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough" Essentially the book espouses women give up their dream of marrying "Prince Charming" or a "Knight in shinning armor" and consider an "average Joe" with a good heart who is dependable, responsible, loving, and adores them.
Most likely these are guys many women consider to be "too nice" or they would ordinarily put in their "friend zone".
One of the problems women have is putting too much emphasis on their relationship history dating back to their teenage and early 20s. The truth of the matter is most of those guys were never going to want to settle down and get married!
During their 20s most guys want to establish a career, party with friends, watch sports, play video games, and get laid.
More often than not any young lady in her teens and 20s who invests emotionally in guys her own age is likely going to experience heartache. Most guys don't start thinking about marriage and serious relationships until in their early 30s.
These women would have been better off dating for FUN or dating older guys who were ready to settle down.
Another problem many women have is they are attracted to arrogance, Alpha males, and narcissists who have people that worship/admire them. These women believe if they are his lady it must mean (they) are "special" too.
Powerful millionaires, athletes and entertainers in their prime will have women throwing themselves at such guys. This holds true even back in high school whenever someone is in the lime light. Women who are successful in their own right have more options to date guys without feeling the need to be swept off their feet or bask in his success in order to feel worthwhile.
Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse.
Each of us has our own mate selection process & must haves list.
Each of us has our own boundaries and "deal breakers".
If someone is having one bad dating experience after another they probably need to reexamine their mate selection process.
There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships: We either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have. Accept them (as is) or move on.
Rarely does much in life come down to an "either or" scenario.
Most people would rather be Mr./Ms. Right than Mr./Ms. Good Enough. How would you feel if you learned your spouse only married you because you loved him more than he loved you?