Why Becoming the Right Person Is More Important Than Finding the Right One

Updated on August 21, 2017

I know so many people who easily change partners after every failed relationship as if they are just changing clothes. They say that they haven't found the right one yet, so they have to keep looking.

After my first breakup, they told me to keep dating other people until I find the right man for me. I listened to them, I tried to meet other men but I realized that I was just repeating the cycle of breaking my own heart and others as well. I was a mess and I hurt people who got close to me.

It was after I lost the man I truly cared about that I decided to stop looking for the right one and focus on working on myself first. The saying "You repeat what you don't repair" finally made sense to me. I stopped blaming my ex for his faults and shortcomings but instead, I started to check for flaws in myself, for I cannot control other people. I wanted to work on my insecurities and my issues so I could be a better partner for my future lover.

I know that people have different perspectives when it comes to dating, but based on my experience, here are the reasons why it is better to be the right person rather than to find the right one.

  1. We attract what we are - If we want a loyal partner, we have to be a loyal person. If we want a confident partner, we have to build our self-confidence. So if we are looking for a healthy relationship with someone who's loving, faithful, responsible, honest and all the qualities that we're looking for in a partner, we should have those qualities first.
  2. We need to heal our childhood and relationship wounds - Some of the relationship problems that we have stem from our unresolved childhood issues. Like after the breakup, I realized that all of my insecurities are coming from my unhealed childhood wounds. As a middle child, I was looking for attention, love, and validation from my ex-boyfriend which I did not get from my family when I was a child. Also, we learn to heal our broken hearts before we enter a new relationship instead of carrying all our emotional baggage to our future relationships.
  3. We learn to embrace our singlehood and love ourselves - Being single is not a punishment. There is a purpose why the relationship ended and it's because we need to learn something and to change ourselves to be better. We need to evaluate ourselves to learn from our mistakes and avoid them in the future. We need to be comfortable with ourselves first so that we know if we are choosing someone because we love them or because we're just lonely. Singlehood is the time to work on ourselves, be the person that we are looking for and to give ourselves the love, attention and time that our former partners failed to give us.

Lastly, they say that the best revenge is to improve ourselves. If we loved someone so much but got hurt in return, we don't stop aiming to become a better person. We deserve someone better and to be able to have that, we have to be even better first.

We don't stop being loyal just because we got cheated on. We don't stop being the good people that we are just because someone left us behind or for someone else. We don't stop loving just because we did not get things right before. We learn and we become better.


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    • profile image


      19 months ago

      Couldn’t have said it any better. I hope many people get to read and apply it.

    • Gregg Michaelsen profile image

      Gregg Michaelsen 

      2 years ago from Salem Ma

      Your article nailed it Claire! Often times women put the cart before the horse and seek happiness and validation from the men they date. Then, when it's over, because they chose the wrong men, their confidence takes another hit.

      The fight comes from within - "Build Yourself and He will Come" is my motto. Develop a great story before you start dating and now you pick the right guys who respect your boundaries or they are toast! Excellent article!

    • GreatSword23 profile image


      2 years ago from Belgium

      chasing people seems to give a thrill and people don't realize that maintaining that state of thrill is hard once you have that person, which is probably caused by people rushing things, not reflecting on their strength and weaknesses, going after the next exciting event and not savoring the moment,

      nice article, keep it up!

    • MariaExcala profile image


      2 years ago from Germany

      i totally agree, it's not easy to find the right person and that would take a lot of trial and error to know that he/she is the best one for us, if people do take the time to look and build at one's self, then all of us would be ready to be the right one, great hub!

    • TimFilmoore profile image


      2 years ago from Los Angeles CA

      great tips! i have to work on myself more before giving away myself, if i was incomplete back then, then that would be the reason why my partner left me, another great hub!

    • dashingscorpio profile image


      2 years ago from Chicago

      "I stopped blaming my ex for his faults and shortcomings but instead, I started to check myself, for I cannot control other people. I wanted to work on my insecurities and my issues so I could be a better partner for my future lover. " - Great advice!

      I do believe it's important to figure out who we are, become who we want to be, and know what we want/need in a mate BEFORE we start pursing relationships.

      Otherwise it's the equivalent of going shopping without a list!

      I tend to disagree with those however who focus on who (they) "attract". The reality is you have no control over who finds you attractive whether you're Hale Berry, Jennifer Lopez, Gigi Hadid. Countless men find those women attractive.

      It's who YOU find attractive that makes all the difference!

      Nothing happens until YOU say "yes" to someone.

      Know yourself, Love yourself, Trust yourself.

      Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse.

      Choose wisely!

      One man's opinion!


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