My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.
When we haven't found lasting love, getting discouraged is natural, however losing all hope can turn our discouragement into an unwanted reality . . .
For many women, experiencing one devastating, heart-wrenching relationship is all it takes before they start telling themselves that they are doomed to never find love again. For others, this dreadful feeling might take several (or possibly multiple) heartbreaks before they finally feel like completely giving up. And then there are some women who have been single for a lot longer than they had hoped—causing immense doubt and discouragement of ever finding "the one." Regardless of what has brought you to the point of losing hope, don't.
When we lose all hope, having that defeated feeling can actually block love from finding us.
Often we forget how powerful discouragement can be. When hope is lost, our aura will change—the sparkle in our eyes will become dull, our skin won't radiate as much, and our energy levels will be lower—letting depression sink in. We might even fall short in how we take care of ourselves—excessive eating, drinking and/or drug use. And, by believing that we are doomed to never finding love (again) we end up creating an invisible shield around us that actually repels love.
Have you ever been around a friend who completely lost hope? She doesn't believe she will ever have a boyfriend, get engaged, married or have children? When you have any girls nights out with her she will be the first to acknowledge:
"There are no good men out tonight"
"The men here aren't attractive"
"These men aren't worth my time."
"Why aren't any guys talking to me?"
Your friend will tend to drink more to fade her sorrows and men will rarely talk to her—giving her another reason why she will forever be alone. Great. If any men try to talk to you or buy you a drink she will openly inform them (and remind you) that you are having a girl night out—which means no men. By the end of the night she will be an emotional intoxicated crying mess. So sad. But, let's keep it real, most of us have been "that" girl before—and it is not a fun position to be in.
Experiencing any relationship that has left you heartbroken—questioning if trust and genuine love does exists—can be difficult to just shake off and move on from. A broken, devastated heart needs time to heal. To not lose all hope during this self-patch-up, self-put-back-together stage, you need to remember all the great things you did experience in your last relationship(s) and be clear about what you want in your next one.
It can be easy to hold onto the negative experiences because they will keep us from moving forward...
I have been guilty of holding on tight to the negative outcome of a relationship longer than I should have. By harboring feelings of distrust, anger, lies, betrayal, disillusionment and deception, I was repelling love from getting anywhere near me. I have been that friend who sat in a bar believing that "forever" love was something that only happened in movies. Deep down inside I thought that by holding onto those negative feelings I would keep my heart safe.
Safe from anymore heartaches. Safe from feeling broken inside. Safe from never having to deal with another disappointing relationship. Safe from wanting love. Safe from believing that I was deserving of love. Basically, this safe zone was keeping me emotionally unattached due to losing all hope of finding genuine love again. Yikes!
Although keeping my heart protected from pain mad me feel more in control, it also created a lonely barrier. Thank God, there was still a tiny glimmered of hope still left inside of me which was unwilling to complete die out.
Faith is a powerful tool...
My hope was not refueled by getting in a new relationship—that's a rookie mistake. We can't expect a man to bring back hope for us; that's way too much pressure to put on anyone. We have to be willing to trust in God, work on ourselves, and keep our heart open—even if it's just a sliver—so that hope can find us again.
I read many self-help books, I prayed a lot, I took yoga classes daily—sometimes two to three times a day—to help center and ground me. When my anger finally subsided I started writing down all the things that I like and loved regarding my Ex and our relationship—turning the resentment into beauty and joy again.
This was not an easy task at first; it took several attempts before I could write down something positive without attaching a negative comment containing every swear word I knew.
When we realize a guy has cheated, lied and/or has deceived us, finding great qualities buried under pain can be hard to locate. But, by letting go of the anger and resentment, the things that did make us happy—when we were with him—can eventually be found.
I had to think about the good times we had together—remembering all the things that attracted me to him before the betrayal—as well as all the things I liked and even loved about him before the pain. Although these memories were painful, I needed to honor them to forgive (myself and him) so that I could emotionally move on.
My Ex made me laugh and we could talk about anything. He was witty and intelligent but not in an arrogant way. He was an incredible kisser. He was business savvy and successful. He had a sexy swagger. I loved the way he looked at me and made me feel safe and secure. He was supportive. He was financially secure. He was a planner. Our sex was mind-blowing. He made time and effort for me. He was romantic and chivalrous.
Although not letting the negative thoughts creep in (without a "but" after each positive thing) was hard, I reminded myself that these memories were not compliments to him, or condoning what he did, nor where they in any means a reflection of how great of a guy he was for me—because he wasn't. Also, these memories were not meant to keep me in the past or in any way convince me that I should be with my Ex again. Instead, jotting down all the things that made me happy put me in a place of empowerment.
I was empowered by knowing and understanding what I wanted in my next relationship, and if that one didn't work out I would be even wiser for whomever God intended to be in my life. I was empowered because I was finally able to releasing the negative grip that the relationship residue (and the very thought of my ex) had over my life—which was crushing my hope and frankly, holding me back from love. I was empowered to get my life back and focus on myself and not on the emotional damage my Ex did on my heart.
Negative emotions takes so much energy and I was tired of giving any more energy to my Ex.
Having a nemesis and hanging on to the thought of revenge—by waiting for karma to take care of him—was truly exhausting. By remembering the good, I was reminded that I was worthy of finding love again. If he gave me happy moments then there was hope that another man would one day give me a lifetime and that was worth staying optimistic for. This was a huge step in keeping me hopeful. This exercise changed my world!
I've been doing this exercise for so long that now when a relationship doesn't work out, I don't lose complete hope. I don't hang on so tightly to the stuff that can cause me to lose faith. I'm human so yes, I will still go through the eight steps of relationship grieving: (denial, blaming, anger bargaining, depression, acceptance, realization, forgiveness)—however, these steps do not take over my life or crush my belief in love.
Ladies, heartache sucks and the pain you are feeling can seem almost impossible to overcome. Believe me, you can and you will—the key is to stay hopeful that there is someone who wants to love and cherish you for a lifetime; not just temporarily.
Bottom line, it's important to remind yourself of all the great moments your past relationship(s) have brought you so that your heart will remain open and less fearful of love. Keep your heart unblocked block by continuing to believe and lasting love will find you.
Slartybartfast on July 31, 2020:
Amen last, pretty much the exact same thing. I could cut and paste it. I'm not as old as you but it's been since 2001 for me and it's not like I dated in my 20's when I was a poor working student.
Remember, the (psychopath) guy who has no empathy never doubted himself has no problems approaching women.
While a good man will say to himself " I think that waitress likes me, but it's probably just her being nice and it's inappropriate to make her uncomfortable at work by making advances when she is under pressure to be nice to customers" the sociopath doesn't care so he hits on every waitress he finds attractive, which makes her a little pissed off at all men because she doesn't understand it's only a tiny group of men who act this way they are just way overrepresented i. The dating pool because most men won't.
Most good men never approach unless they have a very good idea that you want them to, that's what assholes do.
The players who hit on everything with a pulse are the only guys she meets.
So women wind up thinking all men are like the %0.1 of us who approach everyone and they are litteraly the worst men you could date.
Again women self select for horrible men, then complain about it ..
LAST IN LINE on February 18, 2020:
I think that there are good men and women still out there, but lets face it, if you make little money and have average to low average looks, I doesn't matter how nice you are. To be honest, it seems to me the more of an asshole you are the more likely you end up with the girl. Im 54 years old, gave up on women several years ago.I haven't had a regular date(dinner,movie) since about 1993(not kidding). Its sad but true. Ive stopped going out and looking on the Internet because I just get more depressed knowing I can never attract a decent women. American women are arrogant and fake. Most of them are average but think they are all that. The older I get the more I dislike women, and its sad. I love the saying beauty is on the inside, a LOT OF GOOD its done me. Thanks for reading. Good Luck guys, you're going to need a lot of it.
mustangman1 on December 26, 2019:
Where Did All The Good Men Go?
Satire by AldenHamil
I am a woman of Generation Y, and I've just turned 29 years old. I've been looking for Mr. Right since I was 26 and there's one little problem I keep running into: There are no Mr. Rights lining up to marry me! I know I'm not alone here, because I've seen plenty of articles on the Internet about women just like me having the same problem. I really don't know what's wrong with me, and why men aren't more interested in me.
I'll admit... I've made some mistakes. Like most women of my generation, I grew up being taught that I could do anything I wanted, and that there'd never be consequences for my actions. I was always taught that I deserved the world, and that my entire life would fall into perfect harmony any time I wanted it to, including marriage, promptly by the age of 30. You see, being taught these notions as a little girl, I decided to do what most of my girlfriends did: once I got out of high school, I spent the next ten years "finding myself" by spending all of my free time chain-smoking cigarettes and getting drunk in bars and clubs. There were many men I got involved with during this period of my life. None of them were the wholesome kind of men you could build a life with, but I didn't care. I wanted action. I wanted excitement and drama. I knew those men never cared about me and only wanted sex, but I gave it to them anyway. Some of them hit me, and a few smashed in my car windows, but whatever.
There were a few really great men who came into and out of my life during this period, usually from outside the bar scene. They were men who really cared about me, who were concerned for my well-being, and who did the little special things to let me know they cared, but I ignored them. I did, I'll admit it. Every man who came into my life who displayed these positive traits - the kind of traits that could have led to stability and happiness - I rejected. I found them boring.
Honestly, I was having too much fun with my lifestyle to ever take notice of the men who actually treated me like a human being. I was addicted to promiscuous sex with bad boys who never loved me. Most of my girlfriends were the same way. Why settle for a good man before you have to, right?!
Now, I'm 29 years old. I only drink on the weekends, and I've curbed my smoking somewhat, but it's taken a real toll on my body. My looks are fading, and my biological clock is ticking. I am a single mother of one child born out of wedlock to an abusive, no-good father who never loved me or even had a relationship with me. Not that I wanted a relationship - he was just some guy I met in a bar and I liked how he talked to me like I was dirt. What can I say, it made me hot. He's currently in prison for armed robbery, so he's not coming back for another eleven years.
I guess it helps to know that I'm not alone in this. Nearly all of my girlfriends made the same decisions I made, and we're all having trouble landing quality, marriage-minded men now that we're getting older. Where did all of those good men go? Didn't they realize that all we needed was a decade of promiscuous, no-strings-attached sex with non-committed, low quality men, after which we'd be ready to "settle" for a decent, stable man and a house with a white picket fence?
I mean what gives? I'm done chasing bad boys, and now I feel like I deserve to have a kind and hard-working man to come and marry me and be a good provider and father to my son. I don't care what he looks like as long as he's over 6 feet tall, makes good money, doesn't have kids, hasn't ever been married, has a nice car, has his own house, is planning for the future, is confident, funny, independent (but not too independent), fashionable, suave, educated, cultured, and wants to treat me like the amazing, special person that I am. Is that really too much to ask? Why can I not find a man like this? Where did all the good men go?
The Women of Generation Y
Stephanie Bailey (author) from Denver on October 24, 2019:
Wow!!!! OK. Let’s keep it real. In order to not lose hope—regarding finding love—means working on ourselves first and fulling loving ourselvesf—including ALL our flaws. No one is perfect, however if we are focusing on all the reason why someone won’t love us—that is self destruction and who will be drawn to that????
I’m reading these various negative comments and all are showing lack of self-worth and lack of self-love.
Just because you might be smoking a lot of marijuana, a goth and living with your parents, or have been hurt many times and don’t trust men. Or tell yourself that you are too old and “worthless” (after reading everything that’s the best way I have summed up how you project yourself). Or, you are are frankly, an overly negative bitter person who focuses more attention on how women “used” to be and blame not finding love because women only want men for money and are narcissistic! Please!!!!! That’s ridiculous. Clearly, you have been attracting the wrong type of women. Not all women are after men for money and spend their time sleeping around and partying (unless they are in high school or under 30) . There is also a small percentage of ”gold diggers.” And would you really want a women who has no job or ambition or goal for something she is passionate about? That sounds like caveman mentality.
Yes, women have changed, however you are blaming the wrong sex—women have changed because many men think that courting/dating means sending a dick pick over text or texting more then calling. Not being upfront with true intentions is also a factor.
I’m not saying that women are perfect and don’t play games—love takes work from both people.
I have been hurt many times on my love journey—each heartbreak I have taken in as a learning lesson of what I want and what I will and won’t tolerate.
It doesn’t matter who ends a relationship, it still sucks when one doesn’t workout and it can be scarring—if you let it.
Most of us will either put ourselves in the victim category or will believe there is a small time frame for when we are suppose to find love—if we don’t then we are losers with no hope and are only worthy of being “cat people.” STOP!!! That’s B.S!
Learn to love yourself, don’t ignore the major red flags that appear because you are afraid to be alone. Be clear—VERY clear about what you want in a significant other and don’t settle—if you are with the wrong person you can still feel alone and unhappy.
I would rather be single and happy versus in a subpar relationship and miserable.
All the negative and critical things we say about ourselves is why we are losing hope of finding love.
Again, finding love has nothing to do with how old we are or what we look like on the outside. Love is about how we feel on the inside and radiating that internal self love, compassion, forgiveness and beauty inside—with full belief—for others to see and be drawn to on the outside.
Love is there. Yes, we need to be open to it, get ourselves out of homes and stop frantically searching—let love find us—most love happens when we least expect it, because we are doing things for ourselves that make us truly happy.
Love will happen. Start with loving ourselves—unconditionally (hardest job in the world, along with forgiving ourselves for mistakes we have made and for those who have hurt us). Stop focusing on the negativity—you do deserve lasting love!
Slartybartfast on March 04, 2019:
Love? I've given up on ever dating again.
Tachyon Crisis on November 27, 2018:
I gave up because of my autism, obscure interests/tastes, social anxiety and inability to make eye contact or smile at people which makes me unapproachable. I'm also a 33 yr old non-binary, childfree, a cybergoth, still live with my mother and smoke copious amounts of weed which again a lot of ppl don't like. Ain't no one gonna want me. I'm lucky to have good friendships with women so I'm not completely alone, but eh yeah.
Yeso on September 24, 2018:
I have given up hope because Im tired of the games and i cannot bear to be in an unrequited love situation or a stagnant love relationship. Ive read many books that it is up to the person like myself to change. I get that and i am actively improving myself but when is it enough? I take full responsibility for my conduct, im no victim.
Red on March 13, 2018:
Well. Here i am. almost 50. how does a person meet that special someone when it will be his FIRST relationship?!? My god what a FAILURE I am. To start a family NOW, I will have to find someone WAY younger than me. In another ten years ( which will pass by like TWO!!!!!!! ), I will look like Archie Bunker ( from the T.V. show "All In The Family!!! )My hair will be turning white, and I sure as HELL ain't gonna be SEXY!!! Hell, I never was sexy. And if I had kids now, how old would they BE before they would end up losing their poppa?!?!? With my poor health and the lack of longevity in my family,... if I can just make it to the age of 70, I will be DAMN LUCKY!!! And how do you approach a girl's DAD when he's younger than YOU!??! Society ain't too "kind" about that kind of stuff, TODAY!!! I had a few discouraging incidents and decided to wait awhile. Now Iv'e waited too long!!! I always wanted to prove the world wrong by getting the girl. Well,... I guess I can certainly forget about THAT now.
LaTrice from Las Vegas, NV on March 06, 2018:
I've lost all hope of finding love because it's beyond impossible for me to trust men. No matter how much I put myself out there by being compassionate, kind and understanding, it's never enough.