Jorge's relationship advice is based on experience and observation. He's seen many people—including himself—get seduced and hurt by love.
Is Your Relationship Moving Too Fast? Or Are You Just Afraid?
So you've started a new relationship and there's a flurry of emotions. You both like each other a lot, but the commitments are starting to escalate more and more.
Maybe you've only known your partner for a few weeks, and already he or she wants to move in. Maybe you've only been dating for a couple of days, and they're telling you that they want to get married. There's nothing necessarily wrong with this, but if it's not what you want deep down inside, you may be scrambling for a way to put on the brakes.
Perhaps it's actually you whom you're most worried about, though. Maybe you know that you tend to rush into things and you don't want to seem that you're coming on too strong and turn your partner off.
Either way, the development of a relationship usually follows a certain path of commitments. It doesn't always have to be this way, but usually we start out casually, and as we get to know each other, it blossoms into more trust and commitment. For example, maybe you start seeing each other more often or maybe you even move in together eventually.
The problem is when this progress feels forced or hasty.
Everyone has a different pace. There are times when the pace might not be right for you and you are over-committing because you feel pressured or needy.
Let's take a look at some signs that your relationship is moving too fast and you're just not ready yet:
1) You've had to alter major plans in your life.
The first glaring sign that a relationship is moving too fast for you is if you've had to make huge life changes, and you've only known the person for a few weeks or months.
If you're giving up on dreams and aspirations, planning to leave your friends and family to live in a city where you don't know anyone, or otherwise turning your whole life upside down for your new partner--then you probably need to slow down and take a hard look at what's going on.
Sometimes we can fall in love and things align nicely, and the changes connect well with the path that we wanted in life anyway. However, if you're twisting and bending your own life path to suit that of your partner, then your relationship is moving too fast.
Not only that, but it probably shouldn't be moving at all until you find a way to reconcile both your needs and life aspirations!
2) You are spending all of your time and resources on your partner.
Similar to the above, if you've given up entire hobbies, time with friends, and many other enriching aspects of your life just to constantly hang out with your new partner, things may be escalating too quickly.
Now, there's nothing wrong with spending lots of time with a new love interest. That's part of being smitten. However, when it makes a major impact on your life and changes the entire course of your day-to-day existence in a matter of days or weeks, then you might want to slow down a little and think about what you're doing.
3) There always seem to be obstacles to your love and every movement forward feels like you have to fight for it.
One sign that should really stick out to you if your relationship is moving too fast is that there's little sense of flow. Everything is a senseless challenge as you try to get closer to each other.
For example, finding a place to live together is hard, your friends discourage you from moving forward, neither of you can agree on where you will run off to together, and so on.
Sometimes even solid relationships can have it rough, but if nothing seems to be working out, it could be because you're moving too fast. Take some time to get to know your partner and assess the situation.
Also watch out for this common human tendency: if it's been really hard to be with your partner and you've faced tons of obstacles so far, your brain will tend to over-value the relationship automatically simply because it was difficult to stay together.
It might give you this grand, romantic notion that you are "fighting" for your love, but really what's happening is that you're trying to force the relationship to be a certain way in spite of what is going on around you. This can sometimes be a bad thing and you may be so hell-bent on pushing your way onward that you don't realize it's best to slow things down.
Be mindful of these biases.
4) You feel like your partner refuses to give you space--or you can't ask for it.
If the air in your relationship is that you have to constantly spend time together or the other person will get offended, then it's time to pull back a little. Never lose your individuality in a relationship; it's just not a good idea in the long run, as close as you might feel to your partner right now.
Always give each other some space. It will give you time to think and be a little more objective about the relationship, anyway.
The Burning Flame of Your Hasty Desire
5) You and your partner frequently argue about commitment issues.
Do you argue about the pace of your relationship, in one way or another? For example, are you trying to convince your partner to move in with you and he or she is refusing, so this leads to arguing and discontent? Is it the other way around?
Well, your relationship is moving too fast, in all likelihood. If you're arguing about commitment, then at least one of you just isn't ready to make the next step forward. It's time to slow things down and really think about where the relationship is headed--without imposing your expectations.
6) Being around your new relationship partner is helping you get over an old relationship.
This may seem like a weird "sign," but it actually points to a fairly common phenomenon. When you're not over your last relationship and you miss what it felt like to be so close to someone, you may have a tendency to rush into something new right away in order to experience those feelings of love and commitment again.
Subconsciously, you may be pushing the relationship to move too fast. If you suspect this could be you, think about it for a little bit. Obviously, there's nothing wrong with moving on to a different relationship, but make sure it's not merely a substitute for your old one.
7) Your partner is trying to manipulate you into making promises (or you're trying to do the same to your partner).
If your partner is trying to manufacture different ways to get you to agree to marry them or move in with them--or you're doing the same to your partner--then you probably need to slow down a bit.
Basically, moving forward should not take very much convincing, if any at all. Ideally, it should be self-evident that you both want the same thing. If you have to "convince" your partner of anything, then something is off.
8) You and your partner are not on the same page.
Finally, if you and your partner just don't seem to be on the same wavelength about the progress of the relationship, then things are probably escalating at the wrong pace.
For instance, does your partner seem surprised that you introduced them as your boyfriend or girlfriend at a party? Do they seem uncomfortable when your friends ask them when you're going to get married? On the other hand, is it you who is getting uncomfortable and weirded out?
These aren't just signs that the relationship is moving too fast, these are signs of deeper conflicts that need to be addressed.
Your Relationship is Moving Too Fast When You Can't Adapt Your Life Quickly Enough
Basically, if you want a rule of thumb, your relationship is moving too fast if you can't fathom how your life will realistically adapt to your new commitments. As we already talked about, if you're having to turn your entire life upside down all of a sudden because you're in a new relationship, you might want to slow down and consider things carefully.
© 2018 Jorge Vamos
Hi, it's me on April 17, 2019:
The moving in bit is a very strong point. My former boyfriend and I moved in together within two or three months of seeing each other lol. It was a total disaster. Later I stayed over at his mother's house and I experienced cabin fever, just wanted to get out of an extremely unfamiliar situation. Nonetheless, you never know somebody until you live with them. The first year of our relationship revealed A LOT about our habits and it was not pretty.
David Olubodun from Nigeria on January 08, 2018:
The Major point here has to be the first. If your relationship is very young and you are already altering your future plans just to suit it, you definitely are moving too fast in that love train.