Elaine Flowers is the co-author of "So... How Was Your Date? Dating Chronicles Of Single Men and Women" and the author of five other titles.
Things Every Woman Wants in a Man
Unlike men, women are not driven by looks, per se. So, before you go there, a man who looks like Idris Elba (or Brad Pitt, if you choose) will not be on the shortlist of things that every woman wants in a man. The heart of a woman is deeper than the ocean, so while we do not mind a man that is easy on the eyes, it is not the first thing a real woman looks for.
Confidence, of course, is attractive and looks good on anyone, whether male or female. But the real reason women need a confident man is so they will not have to worry about him being jealous (of her, her success, or her relationships with other people). The confident man does not waste his time on being abusive or neglectful to the woman in his life but instead ensures the security of the relationship.
There are few things that frustrate a woman as quickly as a man on which she cannot depend. This is not so much about provision as it is about a man doing what he said he would do. Sometimes it is as simple as calling or arriving when he said he would.
If he cannot commit to small matters, it is difficult for trust to build; therefore, true intimacy is impossible. A dependable man knows the importance of keeping his word, so he has no problem admitting when he cannot keep a promise he made, instead of lying or doing the typical disappearing act. If he is dependable, he will not shirk his responsibilities.
Every woman who has been out to dinner with a man who was disrespectful to a server or valet finds it to be an unappealing trait. And for the woman with even an ounce of integrity, it is a real turn-off.
Having respect for people, in general, makes an average guy look like an Adonis in the eyes of a wise woman. Just as spending time with a man who is respected by the people he knows, and even the strangers that he meets, is better than a man with a ginormous bank account.
The man who appeals to women knows that there is a Supreme Being. In order to have any measure of wisdom, this is a must. He may be a Rhode Scholar but lacking a spiritual connection shines a glaring light on his ignorance and arrogance. Any woman worth her salt will count the absence of a deity in her man’s life as a deal-breaker.
This is simple—a grown woman needs a grown man. Not only must he have the basics like a job and be able to take care of himself, but he should also have goals. These goals should not only be for him, but for their future as a couple.
A woman that takes care of her business will have little to no use for a man who does not take care of his. If she has to be concerned with him not focusing on adult issues, it will complicate life for her; therefore, focusing on a relationship with him will become less and less appealing to her.
Does he care about others? Does he care how he treats others? Does he care how others are treated in society and in general? If he doesn’t, he has to go. The man that feels compassion for fellow human beings will, without a doubt, take great care of his woman, her heart, their relationship, and all those who are important to her.
Again, there are so many things that could be added to this list, but these six are must-haves. The attributes have nothing to do with money, looks, or any other superficial thing but instead speak to the makings of love, peace of mind, and a successful, life-long relationship.
Elaine Flowers (author) from Dallas, Texas on March 16, 2017:
Yes, as we mature as women, we discover the importance of these two, especially. Thanks for the comment!
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Catrina on March 14, 2017:
Spiritual and dependable are definitely topping my list.
Elaine Flowers (author) from Dallas, Texas on March 13, 2017:
Thank you, great! You can send the information through the "contact" on this site. I would certainly appreciate it :-).
sigma1932 on March 09, 2017:
My apologies for the delayed reply... personal/work life intervened.
You're more than welcome to use anything I said here, I need no personal credit. The only caveat I ask is that you recognize the background I come from when using it, as that's equally as important as the points I listed itself.
If you'd like specific hypothetical examples of how to actually accomplish some of these things I've come across in discussions I'd be happy to send them your way as well, but they're considerably verbose, and would take some effort to pare down to fit in the comment sections here.
Elaine Flowers (author) from Dallas, Texas on February 22, 2017:
Thanks for sharing that here. Can I use some or all of what you've shared? I have no problem crediting you but all I have is your username.
sigma1932 on February 18, 2017:
"It sounds like you're an expert in what women are doing wrong, so why don't YOU write that article."
I've considered doing exactly this in the past, but with the attitude you put forth even here replying to my comment, I don't believe it'll be given even remotely reasonable consideration... especially in our current social climate of any remote criticism of women automatically being written off as misogyny... in fact, last time I tried this was with another author right here in this hub group, I was met with a double-standard where she flat out told me "I'm not going to tell women they have to meet your standards", while at the same time the entire article I had responded to was about her advising women to expect men meet their standards... but I digress...
As an "olive branch" of sorts, here's a few (breifly stated) points off the top of my head:
1. Stop expecting men to be stepford husbands if you won't be even 10% of a stepford wife. It's ridiculous to expect men to bring a solid core of traditional masculine strength (which is what you listed in this article, Elaine) unless you're going to provide equal full-stop traditional feminine value in return... if you want him to provide, protect, and be your emotional rock, etc., you have to proactively (as in, without him having to tell you what to do) make it a priority to be his practical support system, learn how to inspire him instead of nagging him, make his home environment someplace he wants to be, etc. Men won't hold up the weight of the world for a woman who just kicks him in the shins or only gives him, at best, a pat on the head for his trouble. Men get told all the time that women don't owe them anything... well, men don't owe YOU anything either, so woman-up already.
2. Authenticity is one of the sexiest traits a woman can have, and so many otherwise relatively stunning women miss this mark by miles. Stop putting all your effort into trying to ATTRACT the man you want (many of the small details of which he won't notice anyway due to simple biology), and put more effort into learning how to KEEP him so when you do find him, he'll actually want to stay with you. The latter will have a similar effect as the former, except it'll come across as genuine warmth instead of a cheap coat of paint. This is especially true considering how overboard women go with their physical appearence-- makeup/nails/etc., wearing expensive clothes, using push-up bras/heels/etc., getting plastic surgery, etc. may make you nice to look at... but it doesn't inherently make you a quality long-term partner.
3. Understand that men with the qualities in your article tend to not care up or down about a woman's career-- they are neither attracted nor intimidated by it. They'll respect you as a friend, colleague, possibly even an enemy/rival for your educational/professional/etc. accomplishments, but for considering you as a relationship partner, it will generally only hold as much weight as a hobby that you're really into that takes up a lot of your time and that he can't take part in (and especially if you work a lot of extra hours, it's time he'll spend fending for himself-- in which case, why be in the relationship?). This is just how men are wired; it's biology, plain and simple. Having a career is fine and dandy, so by all means, go for it... but keep in mind that it's not going to have the same effect to attract a man that his career might have on you.
4. This one might be taken as somewhat crude, but it's 100% true: Understand that your vagina is not golden. The more value you put on the fact that you were born with female parts somehow making you a quality relationship partner, the more likely you'll be treated like you're just a set of female parts... which means you'll both attract a lot of men who just want casual sex, while repelling men who are looking for a woman with actual feminine depth.
5. Tying into #4... (Fair warning: another potentially "crude" point) stop complaining that men don't give you enough foreplay if you can't be bothered to do the same for him. Just because you happened to be present at a moment when he climaxes does not mean you actually satisfied him at all let alone moved heaven and earth for him... especially if he's a man that wants more from you than casual sex (which for this point means he wants more from you than the same basic physical release he can get from masturbation). If you want him to forsake all other women while being a walking trashy romance novel for you, then you better darn well learn how to enthusiastically be a wanton sex kitten for him... and then do so IN PRACTICE, not just appearance.
There's plenty of other points I could make, but my time is limited at the moment, so let's see what you make of this first.
Elaine Flowers (author) from Dallas, Texas on February 17, 2017:
Thanks for the comment. It sounds like you're an expert in what women are doing wrong, so why don't YOU write that article. That's not my truth, so I wouldn't dare try to speak to it. When you do write and publish it, please share it with me!
sigma1932 on February 17, 2017:
Cute. Now do one where you explain to women what they're doing wrong that's causing men that have these qualities to not only be unattracted to them, but in fact in many cases be actively running away. I can assure you, it's severely needed, as what the better part of 20 years of dating has taught me is that women have become increasingly, excessively and overtly neotenous, narcissistic, and in many cases downright feral (for lack of a better term).
Trust me, I know what I'm talking about-- I'm male/age 38 (i.e. going on 20 years of experience dating modern women), and my childhood was filled with nothing but examples of men that fit the points above. That includes 2 grandfathers, my own father, 6 uncles/aunts' husbands, and 5 brothers/sisters' husbands. I also grew up with equally strong female role models as well (all of which were born no later than 1968-- i.e. pre-2nd-wave-feminism)... and those women put the average modern women to absolute shame as relationship partners.
Through all 14 of those family members, there were exactly 2 divorces-- one uncle divorced his wife because she cheated on him and he never remarried, and one brother divorced his wife because she was an alcoholic (she didn't want to stop partying after they had kids, and she eventually went on to drink herself to an early death, literally dying with a bottle in her hand), he later remarried and has been for I believe going on 25 years... the only other anomalies are that my father was married twice (for 20+ and 30+ years to each wife respectively, the first of which died from brain cancer in the 70's), and one of my sisters never married, but despite that has still been with the same man for 30+ years.
Elaine Flowers (author) from Dallas, Texas on January 30, 2017:
Hey Dashing Scorpio,
You are so right! But with anything, our best lessons come from our mistakes and failures. I can say that I know a few (and very few) women who were wise early on and learned from the mistakes of women who were closest to them (mothers, sisters, etc.). Unfortunately, I was not one of them. However, the point of this article is that deep down, these are the things women really want whether they know it (yet) or not. And these are the attributes in a man that will aid in a satisfying relationship.
Thanks for your comment!
dashingscorpio from Chicago on January 27, 2017:
I believe smart and mature women probably do want these things!
However it would be impossible to deny just how many women pursue guys who lack most of these traits especially during their "bad boy" phase. I suppose when you think about it when it comes to love and relationships most of us (fail our way) to success.
Failed and toxic relationships lead us to developing our "must haves" list.
We spend our youth learning who we are, what we want, and need in a mate. The majority of people site their "first love" as being someone they met when they were under the age of 18.
However with age and experience comes wisdom for most of us.
We look back with hindsight and realize just how foolish we were to think we had found our "soul-mate" at age 16.
Nevertheless I suppose there will always be women and men who proclaim they want one type of mate while continuing to give their heart, time, and bodies to the opposite. Maybe some people just like having a "challenge", taking on "projects", or truly believe relationships are "hard work".
The real "hard work" however is finding the "right mate".
Some women believe you have to "teach men" how to treat them. However I believe if you have to "teach" someone to be respectful, considerate, loving, and loyal then you're simply with the wrong man!
The goal is to find someone who (already is) what you want!
There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships: We either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have. Accept them (as is) or move on.
One man's opinion! :)