6 Reasons Why Looking for a Relationship Online Is a Bad Idea

Updated on June 15, 2019
renegadetory profile image

I love giving advice to others about dating and offing insight into the cons of online dating.

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Pick up any book on relationships and you can bet it will have a section on online dating, whether it was written by Dr. Phil or the neighbour next door. This chapter on online dating is usually included to give people another avenue to pursue if they're failing to get a date the old fashioned way.

If these so-called relationship guru's had actually tried to find Mr. or Ms. Right online, they would have realized what a bad idea it was and never suggested it in the first place. Just because everyone else out there is doing it, doesn't make it a good idea.

This article is based on my experiences in the online dating world, experiences that stretch out for several years. I'm not suggesting that it's impossible to find someone online. Lightning has been known to strike. I just happen to believe that online dating has been over-hyped and is probably one of the worst places to find someone to have a relationship with.

Reason #1: Relationship? I Thought You Said Sex!

This is by far the biggest pitfall of online dating. Especially if you're interacting with men within a 50-mile radius or more of where you live.

It makes no difference what category you put your profile, you could put it in "frigid prudes from hell" and men will still assume you must want to hook up. It's quite astounding.

I remember meeting a guy I had chatted with online for several days prior and he told me half-way through our coffee date that he was looking forward to spending the night with me. Come again? He kindly informed me that he would not be returning to his apartment that night, but would be having a sleepover at my place instead. Needless to say, he did not get his wish.

Seems that there are a lot of men out there that assume the date is just something to get through to get to the sex after. This can happen on any date, regardless if you met online or not. However, this happened to me so often that I began suspecting that meeting a guy online sent the subliminal message that I was looking for sex even though it was never discussed and my profile was in the serious relationship category.

I suspect that the actual number of people using online dating sites that are really looking for a relationship instead of a good time is fairly small.

Reason #2: Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire?

Let's face it, people can say anything they want about themselves online. They're a brain surgeon, a model, or even a pro-hockey player (that one was rather comical). Studies have already proven that both men and women lie about different things on their profile. Women tend to lie about their weight and men tend to lie about their height and salary.

Men have complained to me time and time again that when they finally met a woman they had been chatting with online, she turned out to be at least 50 lbs heavier than she stated on her profile. Women counter that they hope a guy likes them enough after getting to know them online that their looks/weight won't matter to a guy. Sadly, it's not the weight that bothers a guy so much as the lying about it!

Some people don't even use their own pictures! What a fantastic way to start a relationship!! Nothing builds love and trust like lying.

People lie about whether they're even single, if they have kids, their job, their looks, you name it. But how are you supposed to know if they're the real deal? It's different when you know them from work or your friends. You can always do a little investigating about whether they are in fact single, what they do for a living and so on. That's very hard to do online. You have no choice but take their word for it, at least for the time being.

Reason #3: Long Distance Dating Doesn't Always Work

I have a girlfriend that met a guy online and then proceeded to try and have a long-distance relationship with him. It never worked out. I also tried the same thing, many years ago and that didn't work out any better. The truth of the matter is, it doesn't work out for too many other people either.

There is a difference between meeting someone, dating for at least 6 months and then due to uncontrollable circumstances ie., deployment to Afghanistan, job relocation, etc., the couple is forced to do the long distance thing vs trying to get to know someone online that lives on the other side of the country.

The best way to get to know someone is not by listening to everything they have to say about themselves and then reciprocating your life's story. As Jesus said so succinctly in John 5:31, "If I bear witness of Myself, My witness is not true." Darn right! The best way to judge some one's character (or their fruits, if you want to stay on the Biblical theme) is by seeing them interact with other people and in different circumstances. This is hard to do online and especially if that online relationship is long distance. It's not like you're able to have dinner or go for coffee anytime soon.

You have no idea if anything that person has said about themselves or in their profile is accurate, ie., "loves children" and you also don't know if that person isn't having a long distance relationship with someone else or several other people for that matter.

Reason #4: I Say Hello, You Say Good-Bye

I don't think there is anything more devastating to a person's fragile ego than working up the courage to meet someone they like only to have that person take one look at them and say, "Oh crap! I forgot, I'm supposed to be somewhere right now! Gotta run!" (Someone actually said this me, I kid you not).

Even if you post real pictures of yourself in your profile, people can look different in person. The trouble with online dating is that when you do finally decide to meet, there can be so much emphasis on the whole looks thing. People seem to think that if there's no chemistry in the first few seconds of seeing someone in the flesh, that there can be no hope of any romance in the future. How sad.

I think the reason the meet-up tends to fall apart is because we as humans tend to have certain expectations and when those expectations are not met, we feel very disappointed. It's so easy to build up someone in your mind, especially if all you have to go on is their online profile and what they've told you about themselves. You bring your own expectations to the table, hoping this potential Mr. or Ms. Right will meet your criteria, but in reality, meeting all of your expectations is impossible to do.

Reason #5: Online Dating Teaches Us That Being Yourself Isn't Good Enough

This has to be one of the best reasons why online dating can actually be hazardous to your health.

I realize that when we go out on a date we don't show up in sweat pants with our hair unwashed. We usually try to make a good impression. But there is a difference between looking your best and trying to be something your not. The online dating world sends the message to people that you're not good enough the way you are.

The so-called online dating experts instruct us on what to say and what not to say about ourselves in our profiles. "Don't say ________ or you'll come across as desperate!" They entice us with columns like, "Be exactly the woman every guy wants." Sure, if you're into polygamy. Why not be the woman that will attract they guy you want? Over and over again we get the message that you need to improve yourself or else Mr. or Ms. Right will never come your way.

Then there's the pressure message that goes something like this: "If you don't take the initiative and message guys that you're interested in you will end up dying alone!" (ok, that's a bit exaggerated, but not far from the truth). Gee, maybe taking the initiative isn't her style. See? Why be you when you could be someone else!

Maybe we need to stop being afraid of being alone like it's the worst thing in the world that could happen to us.

Reason #6: Looks Shall Always Triumph Over Personality

Online dating tends to favour people who are attractive even if they have very little to offer in the way of personality or character. Having a sense of humor pales in comparison to six-pack abs and a great tan.

Online dating seems to be more about meeting someone to go out and have fun with vs finding someone to have a serious relationship with. It's very discouraging for men and women with amazing characteristics such as a love for kids, patience, and honesty to compete with men who's hobbies include working out, going to the club and surfing on the weekends or women who resemble Scarlett Johanson and like puppies, shopping and going to the tanning salon.

They place a tremendous amount of importance on how someone looks instead of who a person is. It's difficult to truly get to know a person's characteristics other than sense of humour over the internet. Being honest or being respectful towards women is demonstrated better in person than online.

For women who are not super models it can get downright discouraging to post the real you online only to have maybe one response. Change your picture to include yourself in a provocative position, cleavage, or more skin overall and I'll bet you all the money in the bank you will definitely get more responses from men. Yes, men are visual, but women who are serious about finding Mr. Right or having a serious relationship want a guy to be interested in more than her bra size.

Have You Ever Visited an Online Dating Website?

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Moral of the Story

Alright so I have probably depressed the heck out of you by this point but it's far better that you know what you're up against out there in the online dating world than to get your hopes up only to have them smashed to pieces. Like it's not hard enough being single but then add having to deal with rejection after rejection by complete strangers!

I'm not saying that love and serious relationships can never happen online, what I am saying is that your chances are slim, whether you are male or female. For all my bad experiences and friend's bad experiences, I do know one or two cases where it did work out all sunshine and roses. People win the lottery, don't they? So there you go. Go forth and profile all you want, wink to your heart's content but please, do not dismiss the old fashioned way of getting to know someone at the office, school, local watering hole—you get it.

Questions & Answers

  • Should I give up online dating?

    You don't have to give up, but just be aware that people online may not always be who they say they are, or want the same things as you.

  • If looking for a relationship online is a bad idea, what's the alternative?

    The alternative is to date in person, the old-fashioned way.

  • I have a friend who wants me to date him, but I don't have feelings for him. He can't even help me with money because he wants me to be his girlfriend first. What should I do?

    If you need money, perhaps you should look for a second job or find another means of making extra money. Dating a guy for money when you don't have feelings for him doesn't usually work out well in the long run.

© 2010 Carolyn Dahl

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    • profile image

      Aquablue 

      2 weeks ago

      I Was also surprised at the men who semed to view online dating website as a hookup site. What made it even worse was the site I signed up for was for adults over 50!!!!

    • renegadetory profile imageAUTHOR

      Carolyn Dahl 

      4 weeks ago from Ottawa, Ontario

      Like I said in my article, it didn't matter which category I put my profile, all the men that responded seemed to interested in just one thing and it was NOT a relationship.

    • renegadetory profile imageAUTHOR

      Carolyn Dahl 

      4 weeks ago from Ottawa, Ontario

      Use caution!! :-)

    • profile image

      Kim 

      4 weeks ago

      What should I do if I am disabled and never dated and online dating is my only option?

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 

      4 weeks ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Carolyn.....I enjoyed your well-written article for many reasons. From Day One of the online or otherwise "advertised" dating prospecting...I've had a negative opinion and haven't changed that view, ever. Being totally honest & sincere, I simply could never imagine myself placing a public "ad" offering myself for sale, rent, loan, rent-to-own,....which, IMHO, is what this all amounts to. Certainly. I understand the arguments and rebuttals to my narrow opinion, but it just is NOT for me. Plain & simple.

      Having stated this, I personally know several individuals who used this method and were fortunate enough to be quite successful, are happily married and I say, "Congratulations & good for them."

      Perhaps my biggest issue or obstacle is that I have years of expertise in the Science of Human Behavior. Thus? Right! I know better than to trust, believe or immediately form a critique of ANYONE.

      If meeting, friendships, relationships, or partnerships are meant to be......these things require very special, tried and true human interactions, up close & personal, given time, attention & careful consideration of numerous aspects of any person we choose to connect with.

      A few lines in an ad, a possible email or phone call and one or 2 dates for coffee or dinner, tells us precisely what?? Not much of anything at all. If that's not enough to alert nor frighten any intelligent woman...............She definitely needs to re-examine her supply of common sense..One thing she might want to do is Google "number of disasters, scams and deaths resulting from online dating activities.".......Be smart, be safe. Mr. Wonderful will come along IF IT'S MEANT TO BE.

      Thanks Carolyn.....Wishing you well, Peace, Paula

    • Madeleine Clays profile image

      Madeleine Clays 

      4 weeks ago

      What a great article. I appreciate your unabashed frankness based on your personal experiences. I could not agree with you more on why online dating is a bad idea. People waste so much time and money on dating sites when they could be meeting people in real life through so many different avenues.

    • profile image

      Nigel Belford 

      4 weeks ago

      I am posting a second time on this thread.

      Men should ask themselves why a woman needs a man.

      Cosmopolitan and others run articles voting best vibrator for an orgasm.

      Equal pay and opportunities mean she is no longer dependent on a man for financial support.

      Add these together and you will find that the selfiish women of today take a totally different view.

      A man is EXPECTED to pay for the first date ,turn up with a reasonable car ,be clean and well dressed and be chivalrous.

      The lady invests soley in herself for her own benefit with a new dress, and maybe a new hairstyle.

      There is a good chance that she earns equal pay (or more)but still expects the man to pay.

      Now comes the crunch !! Who do we blame.

      MEN !! WHY?

      Because fathers treat their little princesses like little princesses !!

      Then the little princess expects to have a fairytale wedding paid for by daddy at phenominal cost , wear a chunk of carbon (diamond) given by the poor sod marrying them , goes on the dreamy honeymoon ....and so on it goes.

      Then reality hits. Mortgages rents and other expenses.Then kids (which she must have by 30 to keep up with her friends and the biological clock) .

      As the kids get older she reads about the wonderful sex lives of others and so comes divorce. It is an interesting statistic that more women cheat on their husbands than men do on their wives.

      So she goes on te hunt for guys on the net and finds men want SEX !!!! (read the posts !!) Now she reverts back to the way she was with her daddy and becomes the little princess wriggling her finger around the man.

      No wonder men send out messages and get no replies. She is dreaming that she is a princess looking for her night in shining armour and only perfection is her right.

      Tough luck guys !!! (yes I'm one of them)

    • profile image

      Comment to John 

      4 weeks ago

      I've never commented on an article, let alone commented on a comment, but a part of what you said hit a chord with me. I'm not sure exactly what your experience with this woman was, but I had a recent experience that I was left feeling unsure about what had gone wrong. Your take on your experience gave me something to think about. So I'd like to ask you to maybe do the same, and think about the woman in your situation's perspective. Did you by chance talk to them/ communicate with the person you were interested in or did you just decide it wasn't worth it? If the latter, I'd just want to remind you that we all have baggage and its hard enough getting to know someone new while also allowing yourself to be vulnerable with them. I think that gets even more complex when you add communications through text (so easy to misinterpret), and not fully knowing someone yet. Maybe just consider that what you thought was a freak out and emotional immaturity, could be linked to a particular past experience or something that that person was going through recently. In my case it was both (I'd had a bad prior experience and I'd just lost someone very close to me), around that same time the person I was getting to know acted a little out of character. I asked about it, trying to be direct, and maybe he thought I was 'freaking out'. Instead of us talking about it he just opted out. I'm not sure what the freak out you mentioned was or how you communicated with this woman, but if she was someone you thought worth your time, I hope you gave her the benefit of the doubt and at least tried some direct verbal communication b/f just walking away. Anyway, just something to consider. Best of luck with your dating pursuits.

    • profile image

      Times Have Changed 

      4 weeks ago

      Women in the past were much easier to meet and talk too in those days with no trouble at all. Today most women are very picky since they will only want the very best of all, and will never settle for less. Why do you think our family members were very lucky back then since love really did happen for them.

    • profile image

      Brooklyn 

      6 weeks ago

      I tried an internet dating site for the first time this week. I've been very career oriented and suddenly decided I was lonely. I paid for the service and shut down my account within 48 hours.

      1) I was constantly accused of using old photos or someone else's photos - So, I guess you're saying I'm too attractive?

      2) Nearly every man who chatted me instantly gave me his phone number and started talking about sex or in a sexual manner. They didn't care what I did, who I am, what I like, where I live... it was purely about my looks and sex. They didn't even try to play the game and give the impression that they had an ounce of class.

      I shut down my profile and walked away having lost all respect for the men of today. I'll stick to focusing on my career.

    • profile image

      Maggie 

      6 weeks ago

      Wow, you have so much insight and you are right on. How true... I commend you for being so smart.

    • profile image

      HT007 

      6 weeks ago

      After being off the dating scene for 5yrs (no relationship in that time) and being 35, in the month that I have given it a go, I find it hilarious, ridiculous and at times depressing. I definitely haven't been single due to my looks or my personality, it was by choice.

      I find that for the most part men are lying about what they say they want on their profiles lol. I've had countless waves and messages from men who haven't even looked at my profile, just saw my picture and proceeded to message me. I've been out on 2 dates and one made it blatantly obvious to me that he wanted sex, which definitely wasnt happening, I was shocked as we met on a dating site strictly for Christians. Date two was the same, looking for a rebound after his recent relationship. No my profile pictures are not provocative, profile isnt suggestive......these guys and most ones I've spoken to on the site really for the most part are driven by their below regions. Im getting over it now as I know its nothing personal, their just men with no standards or boundaries. Some have been ok but live too far for me. My subscription ends this month and I wont be renewing. I think the key is to remain level headed but open in these sites and DO NOT form any mental attachment with anybody until they know this person properly because thats when people get fooled, pumped and dumped etc. That hasnt happened to me but for the more "keen" women it happens all the time.

    • profile image

      Nigel Belford 

      7 weeks ago

      Real life dating isn't any better. Women have the say in whether sex takes place and boy do they use it.

      I was married to someone who was part of my social circle. 25 years later gone after leaving a note on the side. THEN my daughter finds a diary. In it the entry says ''I only want to be married for 10 years' . Yep the time it took to pay off her business loan.

      So approx 12 years ago having lost half of what I ever worked for I hit internet dating.

      Rough statstics are 70 dates in 4 years.Of those only ONE paid for the date.

      I developed a message (I was only using POF) and a profie which was attracting 300..yes 300 messages a week !! Then some bitch took exception and POF banned me . 299 found my profile great and one didn't.

      I had met sombdy online who I stayed with. Then after 7 years she walks out. The reason ? I had not asked her to move in and....wait for it !! I had not left my house to her in my will. We both kept our own houses for reasons I will not go into but if she had moved in I would have been lumbered with her 23 year old son in the back bedroom and he has not done a days work in his life.

      Back on ID after a 7 year break and it is NOT the same. PIG IGNORANCE RULES. Messages deleted, not answered, profile blocked. Profiles showing long hair in pics on a slim body and then the lawnmower cut on the next fatty pic.

      Pay to read ..... pay to read that...pay to do the other. Then you find some sites do not charge women as much . POF tried to correct matters by giving a sequence of events like messaged her, added favorites etc. But look closely and you will see that they have not been on site for months.

      Next comes the data sharing. Profile one appears on many websites ???? Sometimes the same name sometimes changed.

      Who owns the website ?? Check carefully as Match has swallowed up many and although each website has its own regulars there is no doubt that data is being shared.

      My friend met a girl who admitted that if she was bored she logged on, got a date, made him pay and dumped him. Her total to date was 147 months ago 147 guys duped into paying for her date . Then no doubt she will demand equal pay according to the ME TO movement.

      Ah well I have a second date coming up next week . We will see but the original post is 1000000 percent right. Men are becoming second class citizens and they are allowing it. Notice there will be comments about he EXPECTED SEX on the first date. YEP because you expected us to pay for the first date.

    • profile image

      mike 

      7 weeks ago

      i am writing a comment here because you have missed one big element to why online dating is a nightmare, people online have NO manners at all whatsoever, now i cant comment on whether the men online have no manners or respect because i am not trying to talk to them so i have no idea how bad that may be but what i can tell you is that i have only received one message from a woman with manners while looking for love online, let me explain so you don't all misjudge me like you normally do, i have been on E-Harmony for one year and also OK cupid and HInge for about 5 months, so far i have sent out more than 400 introductions and i have not had a single responce from any woman apart form one who said "thank you for your message but i am now seeing someone" that fare enough and guess what else ? it show manners something missing from all other women online, now before all the women on here start to go off on one let me ask the following question to explain what i mean, if a man was to walk up to you in a bar or on the train or whatever and asked for your number but you was not interested would you A- politely say thank you but no thank you, or B- turn your nose up roll your eyes and walk away without saying anything, i am pretty sure you are all saying you would choose A and you are right to make that choice, my point is why cant women say thank you but no thank you when receiving a message online? you cant answer that because there is no answer, there is no reason other than you cant be bothered which is rude selfish and a major lack of manners, you may claim that it is not the same thing but it is, it takes just as much effort and courage to send a message to a woman as it does to walk up to then and we deserve as much respect as you would show to a man face to face, i get that some men and some women are nasty people and no matter what you are going to get messages from them and those can be ignored as much as you like just please do not ignore a message that is clearly heart felt and shows he has looked at your profile, just because you don't like them does not mean they are not Human, and your ignoring then may cause them to not send that message to the next match through fear of rejection and that person may like then and you have made sure they don't meet because of your laziness and rudeness.

    • profile image

      John 

      8 weeks ago

      Interesting article. I don't think anyone's online dating commentary takes into account that most single people are single because they're hearts are closed to relationships in the first place. The waters are muddy because women and men (and everyone else on the gender spectrum) can make as much or more money than each other and this "independence" has had the effect that crummy behaviors that used to only be the provenance of men is now "afforded" to women as well. Why be emotionally available and compromise your life if you can afford not to? I was in an "almost relationship" for a month with an emotionally immature woman who had the intellectual and physical intimacy thing DOWN. And then she freaked out and killed it because she is emotionally immature. What does online dating have to do with this? And yet we blame the technology...because...humans are just being humans.

    • profile image

      shewas 

      2 months ago

      No men are mgtow bc they are brainwashed to be. There is more money to be made if there are no families and more people get divorced and there are two households instead of one paying for more rent.more pud. More water. Home insurance. If tjey split all the families they make twice as much. Please many women want to be married they are doing what the guy wants thinking that will get them a husband... But for some reason society tells you how to handle and live your sexual life and people actually listen!!!!!!

    • profile image

      Alina 

      3 months ago

      Nice, very well

    • profile image

      Slartybartfast 

      4 months ago

      At this point I've moved from actively trying to passively waiting and am fast approaching the I give up stage.

      It's time I accepted the fact that I'm never going to be in a relationship or have a family.

      I wish I hadn't wasted so much of my life and my income trying.

    • profile image

      Terry 

      5 months ago

      My wife was dead for 2 years and out of loneliness. I tried online dating. Found this incredible woman. Made dinner for a few times, bought roses for V-Day. Yes, we had sex but it was at her OK. Just made me want her more. Everything was going pretty good. (i was excited about the future) . Than BAM! instead of picking me up for an outing as was arranged. I get a phone call that it's over - because (now get this) I was too nice - no man had ever made dinner for her and no one had ever sent her flowers. She wasn't used to someone telling her she was beautiful and so on.... (we are both seniors)

    • renegadetory profile imageAUTHOR

      Carolyn Dahl 

      5 months ago from Ottawa, Ontario

      I hear ya. You might want to check out some local church groups and see what kind of social activities they do in your community. You'll have a higher chance of meeting women who would be more interested in a meaningful relationship instead of quick gratification.

      I think our society as a whole has really degraded and meanwhile there are still people out there that are looking for real, meaningful relationships with someone special. I hear this from many men actually and I feel for them. I had a hard time finding men who were not just interested in having sex. Guys wanting a relationship were hiding somewhere from me when I was single. I hope you're able to have better success in the future!

    • Slartybartfast profile image

      Slartybartfast 

      5 months ago

      Tried online dating years ago with no success. Tried it again last year and lasted three days ( paid for three month lol)

      I'm an upbeat happy guy and it made me depressed and would eventually have destroyed my self esteem.

      Unfortunately, I meet almost zero women outside work. I go out to clubs and such but around here it's what one of my female friends dubbed a sausage fest. I've walked into a live music event with hundreds of people and the four or five women there were obviously with their BF.

      It's like they hide somewhere.

    • profile image

      6 months ago

      Met a guy online he was showing interest and doesn't it's always excuses when i ask about then when i mentioned when we can spend time together i get a response once he gets what he want i don't hear from him unless we see each other im not sure what to do next time we talk again

    • profile image

      Lightfluffy 

      8 months ago

      Met a guy online. Seemed great until he asked me for 13K a month later. I said no and never heard from him again. Originally claimed to be a wealthy European man. It was my one and only time internet dating. Never, ever again! Nope.

    • profile image

      Truth 

      8 months ago

      Well with the kind of women we have out there nowadays certainly tells the whole true story unfortunately. This is why many men today are now going MGTOW.

    • profile image

      lukeswain 

      8 months ago

      I would never use a online dating site because I don't like them and social media either I would meet someone in real life because I met this girl who always smiled at me and liked me so it's much better than online with bs.

    • profile image

      Cameron 

      8 months ago

      I don't know how the hell i can date in person. Every time I've tried i was always not good enough and since I'm 14 right now I can't choose which is better because i feel like every girl hates me when they see me in person and/or talk to me online. Whenever I've felt and been lonely, I've always wanted to cry because I had no company. And I've tried to date girls in person and online and they just think I'm too ugly, stupid, and annoying and which has made me cry. I never had been so sad in my life as much as I have just because of me not having company from someone that i would love. i feel like dating online is better because I've gotten no luck at all by doing it in person. And I'm such a nice, sweet, and loving little guy and nobody thinks that I'm that because they don't see me like a nice, caring, and loving young man and it just makes me cry just to be treated like garbage by someone that says they love me but doesn't act or show like they do. I've been lonely all of my life and I've been crying because of it and I absolutely hate crying from being lonely

    • Avera Here profile image

      Avera Yugen 

      8 months ago from Mustang, Oklahoma

      Ummm..why doesn't anyone ever notice how controlling and unreasonable the Dating Site Administrator is??? Our photos are ours and our favorite photos are not to be messed with, no matter what the prejudice of the CEO. If they are not entirely clear they are still OUR PROPERTY and in my case I always find it hard to get a good photo of myself but finally I got a beautiful selfie and tried to open a new Dating Site account only to have the beautiful pic "flagged" by the administration, and undoubtedly because they were operating on the model created by bad people trying to fool other people...when the truth is sometimes people have to work hard to get a nice picture and then NO ONE has the right to reject the person behind the photo when there may not be another. It is really nobody else's business. If there is a chance it is based on fraud it is simple enough to get someone verified in a respectful way. But I guess dating is only about consumption and never humanity OR respect. HORRIBLE EXAMPLE AND HORRIBLE MESSAGE. SHAME on all Dating Site CEOs who use this abusive model. Not to mention the fact that plain looking people, or older people are MULTIPLY discriminated against this way!! But then again dating IS discrimination on steroids. I reported this horrible dating site (dedicated to pairing up people who MEDITATE and LOVE THE HIGHER THINGS) to the BBB. They had many complaints already. And I will never again submit to this humiliation from some unknown clueless overpaid droid in the CEO office ANYWHERE!!!!

    • thehands profile image

      Jorge Vamos 

      10 months ago

      Haha, great article. I will say, though, that it is quite slanted towards a woman's perspective.

      I totally understand why a woman might be offended if a guy decides within the first few seconds of meeting her whether he finds her attractive or not...but that's just how our brains work for the most part.

      From experience, I know that if I see a woman (or man) and I'm not immediately physically attracted to that person, then I probably never will be. For most guys, I think it's the same as well. Physical attraction doesn't tend to "grow" on us the way it might for women.

      Subconsciously, my brain is immediately asking itself, "Could I ever conceivably have sex with this person?" If the answer is no within those few seconds, it will probably always be no. There is nothing a person can do or say that will ever make me attracted to them physically if I don't find their appearance attractive.

      Now, there's more to a connection than physical attraction, but that's an essential part! If it's not there, then I could still be friends with the person if our personalities seemed to click, so I would never run away from such a situation. ("Whoops, I forgot I had something to do!") That just kind of shows a lack of compassion, IMO.

      The problem is that people go into online dating (and dating in general) with an agenda. Usually they are either trying to secure sex ("let's have fun!") or a commitment ("I want a relationship!") from the other person. In other words, most people go into it wanting something from you.

      That's why, overall, I agree with you. Online dating kind of sucks! It's much easier to just have a circle of friends and let them naturally filter the prospects that come through.

    • profile image

      Kris 

      11 months ago

      Men post 10 y eat old pics all the time.. when they were thinner and actually hot.

    • profile image

      Contrygary 

      14 months ago

      I have signed up on some dating sites just in the last few months and the have screw me out of about 3 hundred and fifty dollars being promised they would hook me up with lady's and I'd have all kinds of hookups but it's been a scam they took my money and left me hanging I still have two sites that STOle 80 dollars on the third of this month I called my card holder and I was suppose to have got it back but I think they are fucking me too what do I do

    • profile image

      Smarmy2 

      15 months ago

      I remember my one and only online date a few years ago.

      After about a month online I started texting someone and we seemed to get along.

      I drove across town, waited at the restaurant where I had made reservations. We met had a nice meal a few drinks , after we took a walk around and talked some more.

      At the end of the evening she said that she had a nice time and kissed me then said she wasn't really ready to date.

      I wished her well(meant it) and went home a few hundred dollars poorer.

      I then deleted my account and haven't dated since.

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      slawek6j 

      18 months ago

      When i was searching some why you shouldn't this one helped me a lot, the Answer is: 1 You shouldn't date you might get killed by some weapon or a knife. 2 Don't trust them and call the police when there's a dating killing site, who somebody likes. It is the owner. 3 Say no, and go off that site fast as you can, these dating sites are dangerous.

    • profile image

      Danny 

      18 months ago

      Scroll down and read James’ comment. He’s spot on, 100% correct. 99.9% of people online have unresolved issues. I fell for a girl that was riddled with baggage from her childhood, divorce, etc.. you name it, she had it. she was clearly not ready to be with someone else, and for 2.5 years on and off, dragged me into this downward spiral of hell. We’d bresk up and instantly she’d be with some other poor, unsuspecting guy who she would do the same way as me. Then she’d want to be with me again. I’ll spare the entire story. She’s not the first one I’ve encountered who was like that. I’ve become some women’s free therapist online, because I will listen to their horror stories and since I’ve been through similar things, I know how they feel. I’ve had at least 10-12 women talk about how their past relationship destroyed them and they’re still in love with their ex, even though he was a horrible, abusive jerk. If that’s the case, why are you looking to drag someone else into your world of $hit? It’s not fair to anyone. Fix your heart and your head before you ruin someone else’s life. Even more so if you have kids who you’re bringing into the equation. I’ve become so jaded due to online dating. Meeting people in real life just doesn’t work anymore, so what do you do??

      I think it’s very hard for a woman to understand how awful it is for men online as well. It’s a completely different game. I’m one of the guys who has had relatively good luck meeting women online because I was blessed with being physically appealing. But it doesn’t help at all finding someone. Everyone lies, especially women, and I don’t understand for the life of me why you would want to start a potential relationship based on lies. I’m athletic, I keep in shape, it’s a big part of my life because I want to be healthy. It’s a requirement that anyone I’m with should enjoy some level of physical activity. It’s a lifestyle, and for a lot of people, one that can’t be compromised. I’m just not into big girls that don’t care about their appearance or health. It may be shallow, but I know what I like and what I feel will never amount to anything. The author said that looks trump personality online, well it’s the same way in real life. Probably not to as an extreme degree, but everyone wants to be with someone they’re attracted to... I’ve met so many women who hide the fact that they’re severely overweight, and there is nothing more disappointing than building someone up in your head for weeks, then meeting them and finding out they were lying the whole time. Online dating also ruins otherwise decent women, I believe. Women who normally would be quite modest and grounded with their value in a relationship have their egos so overinflated because of the sheer amount of messages they receive. They don’t realize that nearly every single woman receives hundreds of messages a week, and wind up thinking they’re something really special. Online dating used to be decent about 10 years ago when I started, but within the past couple years it’s become a real $hit show.

    • profile image

      Tünde 

      18 months ago

      I agree wholeheartedly, I am middle aged, petite, blonde Bob, well educated and keep fit (regular gym user) size 14. I managed to make it to a couple of dates but most middle aged men are looking for women with crane legs and Rapunzel hair. I have been happy in my own skin and can make turn heads when I am out and about but when "online dating" people seem to chase a dream that doesn't exist. Middle aged Men in general run on the wings of hopes that they can still pull a glamour model just because they are financially secure but nothing special about them. The connection online is so shallow (mainly small talk) - I would rather grab a book

    • profile image

      Nique 

      18 months ago

      The author of this article is spot on in my opinion. Every person I’ve met never read my profile or hadn’t taken it seriously. I am a plus sized woman and was always been honest about that. I even joined sites particularly for curvy people and guess what!?, the guys I encountered were even pickier. The sad part is they weren’t perfect, appearance wise, but wanted some sort of muse which, let’s face it, more than likely wouldn’t need to be on a dating site in the first place. Then if you are lucky enough to find a person that’s not already involved (married or otherwise) they typically lie about their intent. I’m not saying I am ready to marry you. All I’m saying is I want to get to know you without sleeping with you. When they hear that most head for the hills. The bottom line, online dating is not for me. I’d much rather just let things happen natually if it’s meant to be. In other words, I will go out on dates with my daughter ( she’s really fun) if I meet someone that developes into more than a friendship that’s cool. Otherwise I’m ok without it. Good luck in your search people.

    • renegadetory profile imageAUTHOR

      Carolyn Dahl 

      19 months ago from Ottawa, Ontario

      It was actually 10 years ago or so that I last used an online dating site and I have been married 7 years. I have 4 kids with hubby and I was a single mother when I met him. I had a lot of fun reminiscing about past dating experiences, despite my tone, lol.

    • profile image

      Dan 

      19 months ago

      If we are to take her at her word, the author last used an online dating service "about 8 years ago," and is now married with 5 kids.

      So, assuming she met someone right away and they got married right away (which is highly unusual), she had 5 kids in a period of 8 years. Not impossible, of course, but highly unusual. Additionally, assuming all that, she still somehow spends an inordinate amount of time with her "hubs," as evidenced by this somewhat angry retort to what she perceived to be -perhaps correctly so - a condescending post:

      "Considering it is the hub with the second highest visitor traffic of all my hubs, I guess people must like arrogant hubs."

      Even if we take the - married and 5 kids in an 8-year span (or less) immediately after stopping online dating - at face value, one is left wondering how many happily married woman with children (5, no less) would be devoting this much of their time to online "hubs." Quite a dynamo indeed.

    • profile image

      Daniela 

      19 months ago

      What happened to me is that I was eating my lunch and I started to feel bad about “Dating” this person I didn’t know and so I agree with Just because other people do it doesn’t mean it’s a good idea for you ether.

    • ArthurAdamsDent profile image

      ArthurAdamsDent 

      20 months ago from Winnipeg, Canada

      For older people the dating sphere is frought with perils, especially online dating, and yet still the best of the worst options for many. To this day i have been on few dates simply because the sheer disgust with the whole approach and is akin to diving head first into a buzzsaw. The only thing that works in terms of protecting and advocating for yourself is being straight-up on who you are.

    • Jeanette Rivers profile image

      Jeanette 

      20 months ago from Oviedo

      Online dating sucks. I should write my own blog about it. First line, I read your profile and we have a lot in common. So tell me about yourself, what do you do for fun, Really ? Can't plan a date but they are extremely romantic. Heck, can't even manage a meet for coffee. Second date should be sexual, huh ? What old fashioned/ old school/ southern values class was that ? And it goes on...

    • ArthurAdamsDent profile image

      ArthurAdamsDent 

      20 months ago from Winnipeg, Canada

      Back in the ancient times before the time of the internet there was something even worse. Telephone dating companies you would pay them for the opportunity log into their own separate phone system ( for women it was free of course) and check out profiles.

      without a doubt a god-awful experience that gave me an early bad taste for all things dating, even with the internet and websites and apps it has not improved. It seems that with with every improvement in technology simply highlights the utter shallowness of people.

    • profile image

      Juliana sheme 

      21 months ago

      I actually consider myself to be lucky.With all these online dating problems I can see why it's such A pain In the ass to find a relationship.I use to go on pof and I thought I was going to be on there forever until 2-3 weeks later I found an interesting profile.I decided to message him.But! he had no picture.I know it sounds risky but I gave it a shot even people with pictures still lie so doesn't make much of a difference.Anyways he replied back to me we stayed on pof chatting for a few days until we exchanged emails.Than we started talking on the phone and we met up a week later.I knew it was going to be good.I even deleted my account because I felt the chemistry on the phone when we talked and I knew he was the one.It was just something i felt.Well let's just say he was handsome as hell.He told me he didn't have a profile pic because he wanted to weed out the people that only cared about looks.Ever since then we have been in a relationship for 5 years.We were friends first than slowly it developed to something more.I know dating online or offline can

      suck.Just don't give up.

    • renegadetory profile imageAUTHOR

      Carolyn Dahl 

      21 months ago from Ottawa, Ontario

      I last dated online about 8 years ago... things have changed since then for sure, but I'm sure men and women still go on these sites claiming to want a relationship when they really want something else or has that changed too? Many comments on here would indicate that it hasn't.

    • profile image

      How could you have 5 kids? 

      21 months ago

      I'm feeling a bit duped by the author here, if she is married with 5 kids how could she ever have dated online in the current climate? That doesn't make sense.

    • Thomas42 profile image

      Thomas42 

      21 months ago

      I don't think I'll ever use online dating again, it's a waste of time. Tried for three months on 2 different sites, very depressing. Sending messages to fake profiles and old profiles they never delete. Women who aren't really there to date, just "window shopping" , scams and catfishers. Men pretending to be women and women who's first question is "what is your income?"

      Better off buying a goldfish.

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      Dan 

      21 months ago

      Here is the math. When you meet someone there is only a 25% chance that both of you will like each other (ie A likes B but B doesn't like A, and so forth). If about 20% of good meetings turn into a relationship (and this is being very optimistic) then the probability of finding a good relationship by meeting someone thru a dating site is .25*.2 or 5%. Not very good odds. The real odds are probably lower.

    • profile image

      On-line Dating Doesn't Work 

      21 months ago

      Test it and found no one really wants to date just browse.

    • profile image

      John Kanyon 

      21 months ago

      I have a slight feeling I should probably break up with my current girlfriend online. None of my past relationships online have worked and I broke a vow that I will never get into another long-term relationship because I know the results will not only break their heart, but it will break mine too and depress me.

      I've possibly just shoved a lot of "love" into her face saying how much she means to me and other things, so it might break her heart badly. She is going through a lot, and dumping her now would be bad. But I still don't wish to hurt her emotions in the future. Because that'll leave a mark on me. And I have a few friends online that know how much I've said I care about her and how much she has told them how much I matter to her. So I will be hated by around 7 friends. And lose at least 3 because of it.

      Any suggestions on what to do? I need actual advice for once.

    • profile image

      Smarmy2 

      22 months ago

      Online dating is awful.

      Well thought out messages never returned, not even a polite not interested. Fake profiles, old photos, women there for an ego boost, cheating wives and ...

      Women who ask how much I make. I'm looking for a relationship not to hire a prostitute! If you ask me how much I make (I'm pretty well off) you get a "sorry, I'm not interested" reply.

      Women who ask for a picture of my d*** (what is wrong with people??)

      I finally meet someone who I think has similar interests and when we meet she's about 100 pounds heavier than her picture. Um, what part of I like to kayak, rock climb and compete in long distance cycling makes you think I want a women who can't climb a flight of stairs without stopping for a break?

      Women who set up a date, know we are going somewhere nice and then to a show after , then cancel at the last min. I had to call in favors for that restaurant to get a nice table on a Friday night and the tickets were $350 each.

      Women who date multiple men at the same time! Who does this?? What kind of home were you raised in?

      "Don't have children but want some" doesn't mean I want to have an instant family and raise some other guys children. It means I'm looking for a real long term relationship including possibly marriage and starting a family.

      I'm a tall, fit, handsome guy with multiple degrees a really nice home and a very successful business.

      On one popular site I was listed as the second most contacted man in my area (a large city). It was still a bad experience I won't repeat. If I can't get a decent date online I feel sorry for the average Joe.

    • renegadetory profile imageAUTHOR

      Carolyn Dahl 

      22 months ago from Ottawa, Ontario

      I am married with 5 kids! :-)

    • profile image

      Trevor 

      22 months ago

      Online dating is a poor way to meet someone. It's missing all the intangibles of sexual attraction and chemistry. I wasted so much time messaging hundreds of women only to scrape together the occasional date which almost immediately I knew was a mistake. Had I met these women in person I would have known instantly that I wasn't interested. People have been getting together for thousands of years by meeting face to face. Social media and online is only contributing to social retardation. Look at the nerds who create all the online sites that people are supposed to interract on. I gather most of them would be unbearable in a one on one situation. And yet they have sold us a bill of goods that we are supposed to meet and socialize with people on their sites.

    • profile image

      Very Risky 

      23 months ago

      Very risky for us good men out there trying to find love online since the women of today are very extremely dangerous to meet as it is which most of them nowadays are total Psychos anyway unfortunately. Been there and done that.

    • profile image

      katy1992 

      23 months ago

      totally agree with you, ana!! i've used Hily.com also and met great guys :D

    • profile image

      Ana 

      23 months ago

      I disagree with this article. The majority of people today meet their partner online. I met my boyfriend on a dating site (Hily)!! Hily's the perfect dating site for anyone reading this sad article and nodding their head, because you will not experience the kind of flaky, weird guys described here. I've only had good experiences.

    • profile image

      Doug 

      23 months ago

      I met my xwife on Yahoo personals in 2000 when it was free. 16 years in and 2 teen daughters later we separated. Turns out she settled for the first guy that would marry, have kids and support her as a stay at home mom. Well, now she's got to work gets half my income even being apart. Never again will I marry.

    • profile image

      Kimberley H 

      24 months ago

      I really loved reading your post. Thank you. Every single thing that you said I had experienced the same. At first i thought that perhaps there was something wrong with me. I have finally come to my senses and now know that I do not have to even give these sleazy disgusting middle aged men any of my time, I am worth much more than that!!

      Thank you again .

    • profile image

      bobert 

      24 months ago

      Happily married to my wife who I have been with for 8 years. 2 children.

      Meet online

    • profile image

      James 

      24 months ago

      Once upon a time meeting people in everyday social interactions was common and practical but after a two year relationship that ended five years ago I decided to try online dating. I wanted to share my experience so other people have some insight into the horrors but also the hopeful side. Most woman that I met were decent people but there wasn't a real connection between them and I. You can almost tell even ten mins into the date but I tend to try and give it at least a bit longer. Most of the time my dates went fairly well and a second date was arranged. The problem isn't having good convo and meeting new people which is always an exciting experience. It's the things that begin to be unveiled as the dates progress. Not to say we all don't have our own degree of baggage but many of the woman I have met weren't ready to commit. not that they didn't want to but they were in denial of their unfinished business. Wether it was a past relationship that hadnt been resolved sufficiently, a mental health issue that was unresolved or just not sure what they wanted. I believe there can be success with online dating because I have heard relationships working out between people who met online. But a vast amount of people who don't have thier own issues figured out and proceed to drag people into what ever it is they are dealing with is a bit discouraging. We all have corks, faults, flaws etc but if it is going to literally effect the ability to be in a relationship it's more then irresponsible to be dragging people you don't even know into it. In one light I think online dating has a horrible aspect and numerous pitfalls in regards to types of people wether just looking for a hookup, mentally unstable, crazy stalker ex boyfriend's, the list goes on but may pose hope for those who have an inability to meet people for reasons of shyness, lower self esteem, and less confidence. Over all though finding your soulmate or at least a keeper so to speak would be far and few inbetween. I don't suggest trying to meet your true love online, for casual interactions though, it's not a bad resource. Just be aware you may be singing up for more then you originally intended to recieve.

    • profile image

      mindi 

      2 years ago

      hey I read the bio up top about online dating their were a few kind of but everything you said is true

    • profile image

      phil 

      2 years ago

      Thank you, this article is sensible and has a high degree of accuracy. Divorced 6 yrs ago, I have finally come to the conclusion that my attempts at online dating are futile and time consuming, but worse, emotionally deflating. Unfortunately as an older male, 65 , there are some harsh realities: where can I possibly meet a lady (ladies)? Older, single males. do not fare very well, lonely in their senior years, men are in abundance online sites so women can be extremely choosy, unrealistically so. People think an older male may be successful chasing after younger women, hardly any truth to this. I have tried to meet women about my age group but online the women, because of their advantage online, often claim to desire men 10-15 years younger than they are. That I personally am in excellent health and level of fitness is meaningless to these ladies as my actual age does not boost their self worth as a younger man by age can. I am truly in a bind. For every 10-12 ladies I write a decent, cordial intro. message to, maybe 1-2 will actually respond and then, as I have experienced, no 2nd response, who knows why?

      Women commonly complain that they receive crude messages from men with no common decency. However, my well crafted, sincere messages with recent photos has resulted in mostly, almost all actually, failure. Just not sure about what I can do.

    • profile image

      Kristy 

      2 years ago

      My good friend convinced me and put me online, I met a guy who was very surprised to find a pretty woman online to the point that he was shaking with nerve on our firs date, declared his undying love for me, wanted to marry me and to share my dreams. First liar was his age he made himself 10 years younger. he got ill and I looked after him, he gave me keys to his home and then 3 mths into the relationship just as I was falling for him, the calls stopped followed by dumped text message asking for his keys back. Wow! never again.

    • profile image

      Naina 

      2 years ago

      @igaveup Ma'am. Truest thing i ever read online. 'What has happened to men?'. Indeed. I really am wondering what has gone wrong. I didn't try online dating but in fact something more serious. Online matrimonial websites, which is kind of a norm in India and South Asia.

      The guys i have come across - such duds, to put it mildly. They lie about their profession, their pay, their interests, their lives, their having been married or divorced in the past.. nearly everything.

      If i find a handful interesting and try to get in touch, they dilly-dally, they are only interested in seeing as many photos of mine as possible, even daring to ask for ones in states of undress, and worst of all - holding decent intelligent flowing conversation is the most impossible task anyone can ask of them. The few phone calls i had with one guy, were punctuated with good 5 -10 minute silences, bad english/ bad grammar and 2 grandiose claims - of cooking food better than any chef and being drooled over by models. Maybe the claims were true. God knows. But the guy was ultimately so boring that i wasn't even interested in hanging around and finding out. I too am starting to believe it's true - all the genuine solid men are married, gay or dead. I too have given up.

      Sometimes even the photos are fake and 'borrowed' and god knows what else is not.

    • renegadetory profile imageAUTHOR

      Carolyn Dahl 

      2 years ago from Ottawa, Ontario

      Best of luck! I personally would NEVER use the internet to find a relationship ever again, but I know of a lady that it did work out for so I guess you never know!

    • profile image

      Dorothy 

      2 years ago

      This is all true. I had a very bad experience and Strongly Testify it. Shall we start?

      #1. 3 years ago I signed up and I uploaded an ordinary picture of myself and yeah, I had zero or 1% interest and no messages at all. So I deactivated it.

      #2. I tried it for a 2nd time and uploaded the best picture and guess what in span of two weeks I received let's say 500+ Interest, Messages and Favorites! My email has never been productive until I used it in online dating site.

      Most of the comment that I received were:

      "you are pretty, just telling you that u are really pretty in case" 36 yrs old- Single,Handsome Guy from Canada

      "I like your pictures, you are kissable, cute"40 yrs old-Serious Guy/Dentist- Denmark

      "I like your photos all of them"-56 yrs old-Divorced

      "Are you a Model?"-anonymous with no picture

      ☕️☕️☕️☕️

      Very flattering but the worse hasn't began yet.

      I'll choose the best of the best

    • profile image

      Charismania 

      2 years ago

      I can relate to virtually all the points in this article. While I've only been on the online dating scene for three months now, I'm already nearing the suspicion that unless you have a sex first, [perhaps] relationship later and/or a generic personality, you're not going to get anywhere. Moreover, personally the profiles have rarely appealed. I don't know why but I've found a vast majority to be boring. Many of those that do bother to fill out their profiles tend to write similar, if not the same things. I've only come across a handful with some enthusing spirit but unfortunately, they've never responded when messaged [and no, it's nothing to do with my approach; I can converse fine].

      I've tried eHarmony, POF, Match and OKCupid. I've had a sum total of eight contacts. Two of them were moved communicationally from the site – by me – but in spite of their asking to meet up and wanting to 'chat', one never bothered contacting unless I did while the other hid behind spamming text messages and refused to speak over the phone, despite being the one to suggest it. In the other cases, I've been approached by people either significantly younger than me, who haven't been that interesting or have randomly blocked me after initiation. On top of that, some had been circulating the other dating sites simultaneously, which made me warier.

      I've since left my OKCupid open but I'm no longer actively searching. Instead, I'll go to or start some Meetups and social events. I don't think online dating is suitable for me.

    • Yannick Messaoud profile image

      Yannick Messaoud 

      2 years ago

      Online dating is also hell for a man, i have been online for a while now and its pretty discouraging, i am 44 i keep fit, i don't look half as bad and i get turned down by women who have nothing to offer. The people i have met lie about there appearance, they never ever look like there picture, i have been insulted by some, telling me that i am ugly, look older then my age and so on, i want a hot guy you are not a hot guy. What as this world come to. I was 10years with a women and she left me for her soul mate, faithful, took care of her and all. I have been single for 4 years now and meeting people at my age is not easy, the worst part is when i go out with friends i get hit on by 25y old women who think i am a military, i am build for my age close to 6 feet and 220 pounds. I have a good job my own place independent and to be honest i stop looking for a relationship, its been 4 years of frustration and i did try. If you want low self esteem then go online for a men that is the place, after that you look at yourself and start thinking that maybe you are the ugliest man on the planet and more. Post like this one make me realize that online might not be the place to meet. Most people over 40 want looks before anything else and worst most of the time they don't look that good either, i met women who post picture of them dated 10 15y and when you meet them they give you a hard time.

    • profile image

      toddjnsn 

      2 years ago

      It's good to get a different perspective on the subject. I agree with the ones further down. But I'll break it down:

      #1: Relationship? Oh, sex!: Well, you'll find this in any singles spot, though. Online didn't invent it. In fact, at least thru online you can actually weed them out a little easier as more is shown than mingling at a singles joint.

      #2: Liar Liar: Well, same as above, to some degree. They're going to in real life among strangers at singles joints. However, you do have a point -- people are more readily to lie about some stuff to avoid being weeded by filters. But this is understandably due to another flaw -- #5! People are more Unnecessarily Judgemental online. Much of the time they're not deal breakers much more than you'll find IRL -- but they FEEL like they are, because YOU are being #5 as a judgement caller! :)

      #3: Long Distance: Yes, doesn't work. This is not pressured online whatsoever, so this is no flaw to online. Online has no allure for it. There's plenty of people in one's surrounding areas. IF anything, the mere OPTION to do so where someone will be moving in the near future -- it's an actual Positive.

      #4: Bolting Out of Dates: Yeah, but for you to fear that -- you must be a bad guy in #2. :) And yes, mySpace angled photos IS lying. So avoid that, have recent pics -- and you won't run into that Anymore than IRL dating.

      #5: Can't Be Yourself: Some can, and everyone can if you wish to lower your standards. Thing is, people are more judgemental online. Their tastes are more stringent. They assume the worst, with a hair trigger. You complain about it applied to you, but you apply it to others and Want to. BUT, yes, it IS a flaw of online.

      #6: Looks Over Persona: True. Looks hold greater weight. If they look like their pic, that IS something they can surely go by. Looks is #1 regardless, but people feel they're cheating themselves if they feel others feel they could at all "do better" in any way. Not everyone can see their resume & persona, but they can see their looks.

    • profile image

      Lisa 

      2 years ago

      Thank you for the excellent article. I was considering online dating. You have saved me from a dreadful experience. Thank you very much. I will pass on the online dating experience. I will take my chances on meeting someone the old fashioned way like in our grandparents day. By the way I think you are beautiful, smart and very witty. Have an amazing year. Hold out for an awesome mature loving man. I believe they are out there.

    • profile image

      Bill 

      2 years ago

      I mistakenly signed up for a site and have been bombarded with too many "check the out" messages in just 2 days. This isn't normal. I don't want to have this much thrown at me. In the past, you might meet 1 a week or less at a party or bar. I can deal with that. This is crazy.

    • profile image

      Deco40 

      2 years ago

      It's nice to read that I'm not alone in being horrified at online dating. Some of us just don't get anything from viewing photos or reading texts and want to actually meet someone in the real world and get know a real-live person. Unfortunately, the online dating crap has oozed into the real world and made men think they can approach women in the real world the same way as online. They want to hook up immediately, have no conversational skills, act strangely and admit bizarre desires too readily (come on dudes, fantasy roleplaying isn't for everyone). Sadly, I think this social retardation and attempt at turning women into holes-on-demand are here to stay and women have really lost out on the best of men. I will definitely be buying a cat!

    • profile image

      Trevor 

      2 years ago

      I tried it off and on for years after getting divorced and had zero success. It was very hard to get a date in the first place, maybe I would meet one woman out of a hundred messages sent if I were lucky. I was rarely attracted and the couple I liked didn't feel the same. It's such a waste of time compared to just screening for someone face to face when you know in a split second you're attracted and would like to go on a date. Finally after I gave up and got on with my life I met someone the old fashioned way who is beautiful and kind.

      The worst thing about online dating and social media is it's conditioning people to move online and creating social retardation. I tried chatting up a lot of ladies in public places and trying to line up some potential dates with no success and often they reacted like they were being hit on by an axe murderer. I've heard this from many other men. So people are being conditioned to meet online when it sucks and the old fashioned way of meeting is becoming less viable. The only people happy are the ones profiting from people trying in vain to meet someone online.

    • profile image

      Iris 

      2 years ago

      Hey,

      I tried to get a partner "offline" but two years of trying didn't bring anything to me so I decided to go online. I am 20 years old. My online experience wasn't that great anyhow. But I have trouble meeting men offline. And by trouble , I mean, I don't meet men. I also don't have any friends who could introduce me to people or hang out with me somewhere. So.. idk I'm kinda depressed.

    • profile image

      Lorri 

      2 years ago

      I so agree. I have met over 100 complete losers on line. Liars, married men, disgusting drunks and pigs. I am in my mid 50's and in pretty good shape, educated, own my own home, drive a sports car and most say funny and nice to be around. I get dates, but almost all of them were with men I would never consider in real life.

      I put forth an honest and open profile with recent pictures. I get lots of responses from foreign scam artists, men seeking sex and slimy creeps who look and speak like they just crawled out from under a rock. Unkept, and lonely old men pretending to me within my age range looking for arm candy or a caretaker. Men pretending to be rich and important while living in a trailer. On line dating may work for sad lonely people who stick to their own kind, but for the rest of us, its downright pathetic.

    • profile image

      BB 

      2 years ago

      I have tried internet dating for years, only time I actually met and spent time with someone was 2 years with a BI-POLAR Gold digger. It took months for her to admit what she was and I originally believed I had settled in spite of having lots of money, half decent looks but the fatal flaw of having very low self esteem - very easy for her to walk all over me- she was in essence not really good looking which I felt was a good thing ..no guy was going to take her away but she was very practiced at being a predator. It's been 6 years since then...never recovered financially from paying for her home renovations but glad I left before I was bankrupt. I'm 60 plus and after raising my own 2 children alone I'm willing to stay alone .. I'm never willing to come to any woman's rescue no matter how convincing she is. I'm better alone and OK with that...stopped even looking since my trust is zero of any woman. So the online predators are not just GUYS.

    • profile image

      Hanee 

      3 years ago

      A very well written article which capsulates beautifully the real essence of Internet dating. I have personally tried Internet dating several time, always on the recommendation of others (normally content couples who have no idea about the complexity of dating). Each time I have tried, I have always regretted it and felt that I was selling myself out and putting myself up for a fall. It's very soul distroying, particularly if you get no responses or the only responses are from sleazy, inappropriate individuals that send generic messages. It's unfortunately similar to a "meat market" where you are judged on your looks rather than on your merit.

      I find also that the prolonged emailing of a "potential match" is a bad idea as it allows you to formulate a picture of the individual, therefore, when you eventually meet in person, that individual does not live up to your expectation. It's similar to reading a book and formulating an image of the individual character, visualising how they look, act and sound. However, when watching the film adaption,that illusion maybe shattered when seeing the chosen actor. A classic example of this is the character Christian Grey.

      I think Internet dating has had it's day. The genuine, quality individuals that once used the site sppropriately have left and made way for trolls and sleazy individuals. Oh well, that's life.

    • profile image

      Hanee 

      3 years ago

      A very well written article which capsulates beautifully the real essence of Internet dating. I have personally tried Internet dating several time, always on the recommendation of others (normally content couples who have no idea about the complexity of dating). Each time I have tried I have always regretted it and always felt that I was selling myself out and putting myself up for a fall. It's a little soul distroying, particularly if you get no responses or the only responses are from sleazy, older individuals that sent you a generic message. It's unfortunately similar to a "meat market" where you are judged on your looks rather than your merit

      I find also that the prolonged emailing of a "potential match" is a bad idea as it allows you to formulate a picture of the person and when you eventually meet in person, that individual does not live up to your expectation. It's like reading a book and visualising what the individual character would look and act like, and having that illusion shattered when you see the the film adaption where the actor is not what you visualised...for example Christian Grey

    • profile image

      Merry 

      3 years ago

      It is scarier than loneliness. What if the nice person gets serious and it is hard to get away?

    • profile image

      Joseph Dabon 

      3 years ago

      Good points. But online dating is not dating per se, but meeting someone who could exude the same vibrations as you. You don't immediately strip down to your undies to anyone you meet online.

      In fact meeting online is probably even a better way of getting to know each other before having and eyeball-to-eyeball.

    • profile image

      Protago 

      3 years ago

      I've come to discover that online dating is a scam. If you've ever browsed the Craigslist personals, it isn't about dating; 99.99% of the posts are the most disgusting, despicable, but aggressively honest requests to hookup for quick sex. I've discovered that online dating is no different than Craigslist, but is the feminine version; that is, people go there to play games and develop experiences & seduction skills. It is the passive form of Craigslist.

      Where Craigslist is the left brained masculine aggressive ads of prostitution—dating sites are no different. They are the right brained feminine passive ads of prostitution. Craigslist is therefore about logic & blatant honesty, and getting off and doing it real quick & aggressive; dating sites are 99.99% the same kinds of sluts but they play with fantasy, the art of romance & dating. If you are a real person looking for real love, and you are unaware, you could enter into the world of fantasy hooking up and believe it to be reality—winding up raped, manipulated, and abused.

    • kiddiecreations profile image

      Nicole K 

      3 years ago

      I agree with your hub to an extent, although I also agree with your point that there are exceptions. One of my best friends met her husband online and they have 2 daughters and a happy marriage. None of my online dating experiences turned into anything more than a few dates, though. I do have some pretty funny stories that came out of it. I ended up meeting my husband at church. In my experience, meeting online is tough because you don't have the benefit of mutual friends and acquaintances, etc, and I agree with you that people do often lie and misrepresent themselves. To each their own, I guess, but it wasn't the right path for me.

    • profile image

      Rachel 

      3 years ago

      I agree with this article and it is spot on,get used to rejection and also being able to reject someone. I'm actually a pretty woman and in great shape my biggest hurdle is that I am conservative and yes most of these guys are looking for hookups. I state this in my profile and men still try, the worst is when they shame me and say I am no fun, I'm beginning to think men prefer whores.

    • profile image

      Claire G. 

      3 years ago

      Those complaining about the people they find on dating sites should also look into their own behaviors, what they're writing in their profiles, how they're responding to people, and how their personal filters are working. I've always been able to find massively intelligent, kind, grounded, and real men online (OKCupid, mostly), as have many of my girlfriends. I'm married to one right now, as a matter of fact. I wrote him, which is not my usual style, but it sure as hell paid off in this instance. But it takes a lot of patience and you need to put out there what you want in return. I also agree with the author that getting addicted to it is hugely dangerous, just being addicted to FB, your iPhone, etc., is hugely dangerous.

    • profile image

      Noel P 

      3 years ago

      Not all men are like what is described in this article. Nor are all women the cliches that are easy to think. The online dating thing without a single doubt works, as long as you are patient, don't take all the bullsh*t you'll encounter (I'd bet many of us who complain are also guilty of some of that bullsh*t, too) and know what to look out for.

      It's incredibly hard for men, as well, because the majority of women will not give you the time of day if you're under, say, 5'10", and/or don't make six figures. I'm a shorter guy, and all it takes is patience and trying to not get upset by how lame us humans can be. I don't put up how much I make (which is a lot) because it automatically helps weed out the women I would never want to date. Little things like that can help.

      Another way to make it work is to act in the way that you want OTHER people to act. I'm often surprised by profiles I read, then see the woman doing some of the very things she complains about guys doing. RESPOND to messages (the ones that aren't lame, obviously), be cool and friendly.

      Another is to not set up impossible expectations based on the false romantic tinsel that we all grow up on in this country of ours. Everyone -- Every. Single. Person. -- is flawed, and no relationship is perfect. Ever. That's not a bad thing at all; it's reality. Once you accept that, you have a better shot at both online dating and staying with someone you meet.

      People window shop forever online, which is the biggest problem with it. The way to make something positive happen is to actually meet people online IN PERSON, where online identities are no longer a mask. People also think that there's always something better than what they have, something better just around the corner. This is a basic human condition, unfortunately, but it can be worked around.

      I've had a few truly amazing relationships from women I met online. They didn't work out but we're all still friends, and there's no difference between the amount of breakups and divorces on the offline vs. the online world.

    • Erika Oquiana profile image

      Erika Oquiana 

      3 years ago from Bacolod City, Philippines

      Hi Rene,

      I'd been to different online sites since 2012, and on my first year of being in there lets say I did found a few real men, some of them are my good friends. But I am not looking for friends, I am looking for a Boyfriend, but all I got was false hope and scams and lies. So I minimize my logging in to the dating sites and on 2014 I met a guy. He is a nice guy and a member of a Christian Community. Though he is not into social media sites our communication is kind of old fashioned way. He sent me a post card last year for my birthday, and we still talked with each other until now through text message or email.

      I don't hope for the real one between us because I might get disappointed, if life favors one day and it will come true I will be greatful. But if not it will be fine with me. Love comes when you least expect it.

      Best regards,

      erika

    • profile image

      David 

      3 years ago

      Online dating is poison.

    • profile image

      michele 

      3 years ago

      I have been on 3 dating sites

      Eharmony, zoosk and rsvp

      All I found that fakes and play boys who have an agenda.

      Dating sites have too much hype.

      I have never found a good boyfriend.

      I run and own my own business and I study aswell but I always find a balance for a social life.

      I have always tried in relationships but it's usually after 2-3 months I truly find out who those men are truly like then it ends up in a break up because it was a lie.

      dating sites are just for playboys and users looking for money or a sex toy, not true love. Advertising of dating sites is bs and should check their members better.

    • LaughingRain profile image

      Alysia McAlister 

      3 years ago from Arizona

      this is a good article because it makes everybody think how the Internet has taken over our lives making it easy to meet others, not only in dating, but in business, etc. It's here to stay whether we want those changes it brings or not. So I'm glad to see all this conversation and wish more than 1 in 5 long lasting relationships were people meeting online. as old as I am (68) I sometimes long for the old fashioned way of meeting. it was called dating, and we women used to have car doors opened for us as a way to show the man had respect for us. I loved it. I loved the slow nurturing way of old fashioned dating. But times change and now we do internet dating. If you're expecting a text message, it's still a kind of "date." Not much chance of it coming to something long lasting though, if you cannot sit down across a table and look into a person's eyes and get to know them that way. No substitute for eye contact which can tell you all you need to know. If you go into the online dating thing, just know you're taking a chance and that the imagination is much more active than reality is. Nice looking people are not always as nice as they look on the outside and getting to know someone is not as easy as sending off a text message. Our society needs to be comfortable to be single or you can't be comfortable with someone else as well. and thanks, I wish you all the greatest love and fulfillment howsoever that looks for you.

    • profile image

      jx64 

      3 years ago

      "Men" can do that in real life too... Most "men" in "real" life just want to hook up with a girl so he can bang her that same night. If it's such a concern, then why make it possible? In this day and age, technology has advanced rapidly, so why not use it? It's perfectly alright to go on Facebook using a smartphone, so why shouldn't it be ok to meet someone online and have a relationship with them? It sucks that you're apart, but from an emotional point of view, it can be life changing. If you arrange to meet up at some point, that would kick ass. In this day and age, it's not such a big deal. I met someone too that I'd like to meet.

      Doesn't matter if you meet in "real" life or not, what matters is that you trust each other and bond with one another.

    • Ask Jelly Baby profile image

      Jelly Baby 

      4 years ago from United Kingdom

      Hi Rene

      I wish I read this two years ago when I was going through a bad patch of dating online. Sadly where I live they are no men so the only choice I had was to go online. But after three disastrous meet ups I would never consider doing that again. I'm happier alone and if I'm destined to be alone then so be it. Excellent hub and very good valid points.

    • letstalkabouteduc profile image

      McKenna Meyers 

      4 years ago from Bend, OR

      Yes, it's still best to meet someone in the real world by doing something you enjoy -- playing golf, taking a cooking class, reading at the library, or performing in community theatre. Online dating definitely favors those who are attractive and extroverted. If you're an older women (40 plus), it's especially disheartening because the men your age want someone 20 years younger! Great hub.

    • LaurieMaxson profile image

      Laurie Maxson 

      4 years ago from AL

      Great article. I myself never tried the online dating scene but I think the bar scene was just as bad. I love what you shared about people always looking for "attractive" people. This tends to be how society rules the world. I think people are much more fascinating when they allow themselves to just be who they are. If you can't find people that want to be with you, do a self examination. If there are changes that better you, meaning, you ditch the negative thinking that drives people away, then make the change. Don't ever change who you are, just because you think you aren't good looking enough.

    • erinshelby profile image

      erinshelby 

      4 years ago from United States

      It's too bad that the guys who've had bad experiences with online dating can't somehow meet the ladies who've also had the same bad experiences online! Where can good single men and women find each other if they're not venturing online?

    • mithereal profile image

      mithereal 

      4 years ago from Tucson, AZ

      i agree most of your points are true, i have tried the online dating thing for YEARS, nothing but stuck up entitled women. i have been single for 12 years now never even got 1 date frm any dating site ive ever used!!! thousands of dollars expended and all the time wasted. basically put if your not a model, forget it, be single for life. im an introvert nothings gonna change that, i have a good career nothings gonna change that, i dont have time to date in person because im always working. its not that online changes your view of society, society is f***d up. Women stay with men that abuse them and treat them like shit, its almost as if they want that, id rather be single than date some ratchet masochest or some woman that thinks they're better than me because they got a lil money.

    • profile image

      Ruth 

      4 years ago

      Ditto! Thanks for writing this article. Bottom line, online dating is not what it was when some of these commenters met their loves. If you have a brain and are not looking for a hookup online dating can damage your view of society. It would be nice if more people let the few good people that are seriously seeking relationships to get out of their houses and stop waiting for an email saying here I am. Great article! Thought you had read my mind.

    • lafleurdeplume profile image

      Sarah LaFleur 

      4 years ago from Chicago-land

      What an interesting take on this subject... I'm just beginning to forage my way into the world of dating again and I'm not really sure where to begin. I guess online sites are NOT the way to go huh?

    • Anishwebmaster profile image

      Anish Kumar 

      5 years ago from Mundi Kharar, Mohali, Chandigarh, (Punjab)

      I think you are right..Online dating is a very bad idea. Almost everyone is fake.I always tried to stay away from online dating sites.

    • sonfollowers profile image

      sonfollowers 

      5 years ago from Alpharetta, GA

      I didn't blame you. :) I simply said that "if" this is true then... There are tons of people on these sites who are impatient and get bored with whatever "get to know you" strategy exists and want to quickly move to face to face. Others don't put effort into asking questions that might reveal something about the person's character and are more interested in how funny he is or whether or not he also likes to go hiking. This certainly can account for the negative experiences a person has had on dating sites. It's your job to figure out if that's you, not mine.

      Most people have difficulty honestly evaluating themselves to try to figure out how much of their negative experiences in life is something they can actually control and fix. It's easier to assume that "my divorce is 100% my wife's fault." Your hub does a good job pointing out some of the pitfalls we can bump into with online dating. I just don't think it's a very balanced assessment. The upside is that I don't think the majority of your readers are necessarily looking for a balanced assessment. Humans love to commiserate. In my opinion, sometimes what we need isn't what we want.

      I am simply sharing my opinion as others have. Thanks.

    • renegadetory profile imageAUTHOR

      Carolyn Dahl 

      5 years ago from Ottawa, Ontario

      I'm sorry you feel that my hub is "arrogant." Considering it is the hub with the second highest visitor traffic of all my hubs, I guess people must like arrogant hubs. I do not write hubs to tell people what to do, they are free to do as they wish and even if I did, so what? People can make up their own minds. The point of this hub is to share my experiences with online dating that show the uglier side of it. I have a right to do that.

      I also find it interesting that you essentially blame me for my bad experiences. Did you read my profiles? Did you monitor my actions on these websites? Because if you did, then you would be qualified to judge my "efforts" and why I had the experience I did.

    • sonfollowers profile image

      sonfollowers 

      5 years ago from Alpharetta, GA

      RE: #1 "I thought you said sex"-

      There definitely are men online who are looking for an actual relationship. I was one of them. I met someone online and we are happily married now with 3 kids. I would argue that the quality of the candidates online is no worse than that found out in the "real world". Online sites give you an opportunity to vet the other person before you meet, which I found to be incredibly valuable. This works in your favor, because people who are just trying to have sex won't have the patience for significant back and forth emails or the wade in slowly model you find at eHarmony. If you're not putting effort into vetting your "candidates" then that may be a significant reason why your experience was so bad.

      RE: #s 2 and 4

      This is a great thing in disguise. In the dating world, the sooner you find out about a person's character flaws the better! When you catch one lying or being generally shallow or scummy, say "thank you" and walk away! They just did you a huge favor!

      RE: #5

      Instructions on how to write an interesting profile that catches someone's attention is not at all the same thing as instructions on how to be someone else. It's just not the same thing. If those instructions bleed into emails, phone calls, and face to face then that's problematic. If it just applies to making a good profile then what's the harm in that?

      General comments:

      Dating online is not for everyone. Rejection can certainly come at a pretty fast clip because you have so many more potential candidates. In a bar (or in life in general), you are rejected just as many times. You just don't see it or feel it. But, if you are the kind of person that recognizes that people walk away for all sorts of reasons including their own brokeness, you will be less affected by that and this model will work for you.

      My problem with this article is the message that online dating is for no one. I think this is a very arrogant statement. "Since it's not for me, it's not for them either." It's simply not true. It would be better to let people find their own path. I would rather see you share your experience without deciding for them what to do. Hopefully that makes sense.

      Thanks.

    • profile image

      wokkawokka 

      5 years ago

      I didn't ever lie in my profile and I actually do look like my pictures in "real life"… With that said is this…. (I'm a 31 year old male)

      It seems many women have a "cyber bubble ego". Meaning that if there not interested they won't message you back. Which is pretty rude, considering most women would NEVER deny you like that in real life, nor would they even get the amount of attention they are getting online once they step out there front door. It's a security complex of sorts. They like the attention there getting from guys.

      I'm 6'1' in very good shape. Masters degree, great job and have my life together well. The dates Ive been on were ALL jokes. Within the first 15 minutes the women were already lying about something. One said she was 28 years old, ended up being 35 years old and still married living with her husband. (no joke) The second one was indeed about 30-40 pounds heavier in person and was really 23 years old when she said she was 28.

      And lastly……… "The Serial Free meal Women Daters"….Go figure, meet this girl up for Sushi. She looked like her picture all was well. Planned on doing something after lunch. When the bill arrives she leaves to the bathroom for over 25 minutes (no joke) I end up paying the bill. She finally comes out and says "ooohhhh my girlfriend said she needs to meet up with me" I need to go to her house… Well she left her I-phone on the table and I could see her text messages as she was going through her purse. the text said "This is chris from OKC (OK Cupid) are we still on for today… Her text said "yeah I'm on my way now" WTF R U KIDDING ME?

      Online dating is a pathetic joke. Seems like it's for desperate people who are lazy in all honesty (being blunt)

      I realized the signs to finally remove myself from online dating and do it the real and right way. In person.

      Great article!

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