6 Reasons Why Looking for a Relationship Online is a Bad Idea

Pick up any book on relationships and you can bet it will have a section on online dating, whether it was written nby Dr. Phil or the neighbour next door. This chapter on online dating is usually included to give people another avenue to pursue if they're failing to get a date the old fashioned way.

If these so-called relationship guru's had actually tried to find Mr. or Ms. Right online, they would have realized what a bad idea it was and never suggested it in the first place. Just because everyone else out there is doing it, doesn't make it a good idea.

This Hub is based on my experiences in the online dating world, experiences that stretch out for several years. I'm not suggesting that it's impossible to find someone online. Lightening has been known to strike. I just happen to believe that online dating has been over-hyped and is probably one of the worst places to find someone to have a relationship with.


Reason #1: Relationship? I Thought You Said Sex!

This is by far the biggest pitfall of online dating. Especially if you're interacting with men within a 50 mile radius or more of where you live.

It makes no difference what category you put your profile, you could put it in "frigid prudes from hell" and men will still assume you must want to hook up. It's quite astounding.

I remember meeting a guy I had chatted with online for several days prior and he told me half-way through our coffee date that he was looking forward to spending the night with me. Come again? He kindly informed me that he would not be returning to his apartment that night, but would be having a sleepover at my place instead. Needless to say, he did not get his wish..

Seems that there are a lot of men out there that assume the date is just something to get through to get to the sex after. This can happen on any date, regardless if you met online or not. However, this happened to me so often that I began suspecting that meeting a guy online sent the subliminal message that I was looking for sex even though it was never discussed and my profile was in the serious relationship category.

I suspect that the actual number of people using online dating sites that are really looking for a relationship instead of a good time is fairly small.


Reason #2: Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire?

Let's face it, people can say anything they want about themselves online. They're a brain surgeon, a model, or even a pro-hockey player (that one was rather comical). Studies have already proven that both men and women lie about different things on their profile. Women tend to lie about their weight and men tend to lie about their height and salary.

Men have complained to me time and time again that when they finally met a woman they had been chatting with online, she turned out to be at least 50 lbs heavier than she stated on her profile. Women counter that they hope a guy likes them enough after getting to know them online that their looks/weight won't matter to a guy. Sadly, it's not the weight that bothers a guy so much as the lying about it!

Some people don't even use their own pictures! What a fantastic way to start a relationship!! Nothing builds love and trust like lying.

People lie about whether they're even single, if they have kids, their job, their looks, you name it. But how are you supposed to know if they're the real deal? It's different when you know them from work or your friends. You can always do a little investigating about whether they are in fact single, what they do for a living and so on. That's very hard to do online. You have no choice but take their word for it, at least for the time being.


Reason #3: Long Distance Dating Doesn't Always Work

I have a girlfriend that met a guy online and then proceeded to try and have a long-distance relationship with him. It never worked out. I also tried the same thing, many years ago and that didn't work out any better. Truth of the matter is, it doesn't work out for too many other people either.

There is a difference between meeting someone, dating for at least 6 months and then due to uncontrollable circumstances ie., deployment to Afghanistan, job relocation, etc., the couple is forced to do the long distance thing vs trying to get to know someone online that lives on the other side of the country.

The best way to get to know someone is not by listening to everything they have to say about themselves and then reciprocating your life's story. As Jesus said so succinctly in John 5:31, "If I bear witness of Myself, My witness is not true." Darn right! The best way to judge some one's character (or their fruits, if you want to stay on the Biblical theme) is by seeing them interact with other people and in different circumstances. This is hard to do online and especially if that online relationship is long distance. It's not like you're able to have dinner or go for coffee anytime soon.

You have no idea if anything that person has said about themselves or in their profile is accurate, ie., "loves children" and you also don't know if that person isn't having a long distance relationship with someone else or several other people for that matter.

"Your profile said you were athletic!"
"Your profile said you were athletic!" | Source

Reason #4: I Say Hello, You Say Good-bye

I don't think there is anything more devastating to a person's fragile ego than working up the courage to meet someone they like only to have that person take one look at them and say, "Oh crap! I forgot, I'm supposed to be somewhere right now! Gotta run!" (Someone actually said this me, I kid you not).

Even if you post real pictures of yourself in your profile, people can look different in person. The trouble with online dating is that when you do finally decide to meet, there can be soo much emphasis on the whole looks thing. People seem to think that if there's no chemistry in the first few seconds of seeing someone in the flesh, that there can be no hope of any romance in the future. How sad.

I think the reason the meet-up tends to fall apart is because we as humans tend to have certain expectations and when those expectations are not met, we feel very disappointed. It's so easy to build up someone in your mind, especially if all you have to go on is their online profile and what they've told you about themselves. You bring your own expectations to the table, hoping this potential Mr. or Ms. Right will meet your criteria but in reality meeting all of your expectations is impossible to do.

Warning! Persons on dating sites may be different than they really are!
Warning! Persons on dating sites may be different than they really are! | Source

Reason #5: Online Dating Teaches Us That Being Yourself isn't Good Enough

This has to be one of the best reasons why online dating can actually be hazardous to your health.

I realize that when we go out on a date we don't show up in sweat pants with our hair unwashed. We usually try to make a good impression. But there is a difference between looking your best and trying to be something your not. The online dating world sends the message to people that you're not good enough the way you are.

The so-called online dating experts instruct us on what to say and what not to say about ourselves in our profiles. "Don't say ________ or you'll come across as desperate!" They entice us with columns like, "Be exactly the woman every guy wants." Sure, if you're into polygamy. Why not be the woman that will attract they guy you want? Over and over again we get the message that you need to improve yourself or else Mr. or Ms. Right will never come your way.

Then there's the pressure message that goes something like this: "If you don't take the initiative and message guys that you're interested in you will end up dying alone!" (ok, that's a bit exaggerated, but not far from the truth). Gee, maybe taking the initiative isn't her style. See? Why be you when you could be someone else!

Maybe we need to stop being afraid of being alone like it's the worst thing in the world that could happen to us.

"Why yes, I always dress like this when checking my messages on my iPhone at home!"
"Why yes, I always dress like this when checking my messages on my iPhone at home!" | Source

Reason #6: Looks Shall Always Triumph Over Personality

Online dating tends to favour people who are attractive even if they have very little to offer in the way of personality or character. Having a sense of humor pales in comparison to six-pack abs and a great tan.

Online dating seems to be more about meeting someone to go out and have fun with vs finding someone to have a serious relationship with. It's very discouraging for men and women with amazing characteristics such as a love for kids, patience, and honesty to compete with men who's hobbies include working out, going to the club and surfing on the weekends or women who resemble Scarlett Johanson and like puppies, shopping and going to the tanning salon.

They place a tremendous amount of importance on how someone looks instead of who a person is. It's difficult to truly get to know a person's characteristics other than sense of humour over the internet. Being honest or being respectful towards women is demonstrated better in person than online.

For women who are not super models it can get downright discouraging to post the real you online only to have maybe one response. Change your picture to include yourself in a provocative position, cleavage, or more skin overall and I'll bet you all the money in the bank you will definitely get more responses from men. Yes, men are visual... but women who are serious about finding Mr. Right or having a serious relationship want a guy to be interested in more than her bra size.

Have you ever visited an online dating website?

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Moral of the Story

Alright so I have probably depressed the heck out of you by this point but it's far better that you know what you're up against out there in the online dating world than to get your hopes up only to have them smashed to pieces. Like it's not hard enough being single but then add having to deal with rejection after rejection by COMPLETE STRANGERS!!

I'm not saying that love and serious relationships can never happen online, what I am saying is that your chances are slim, whether you are male or female. For all my bad experiences and friend's bad experiences, I do know one or two cases where it did work out all sunshine and roses. People win the lottery don't they? So there you go. Go forth and profile all you want, wink to your heart's content but please, do not dismiss the old fashioned way of getting to know someone at the your local watering hole.... you get it.

Feel Free to Share and Vent Below! 61 comments

M Selvey, MSc profile image

M Selvey, MSc 5 years ago from United Kingdom

Excellent hub! Your points are so true! I met my husband online and we consider ourselves very lucky that it worked out so well. We know of countless stories where it has not worked out well for the very reasons that you listed. It can work but it requires the rare combination of people looking for the same thing and both having courage to be themselves and a solid sense of integrity -neither of which being very easy to find.

renegadetory profile image

renegadetory 5 years ago from Ottawa, Ontario Author

I think it's wonderful that it worked out for you and your husband! I met my husband the old fashioned way, but his older brother met his current girlfriend over the internet and they have been dating for over 5 years now and live together.

Truckstop Sally profile image

Truckstop Sally 5 years ago

Thanks for your hub. Some of it is comical; some unbelievable . . .

Ben Zoltak profile image

Ben Zoltak 5 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA

Loved this bit...

"It makes no difference what category you put your profile, you could put it in "frigid prudes from hell" and men will still assume you must want to hook up."

Pure hilarity, unfortunately because it's true. I tried the online thing twice when I was single. Both times the gals turned out to be quite different looking than I thought they would, both times I really didn't have a physical connection, but went on the date anyway because I was a lonely single dad and only had time to work or hang out with my 7/8 year old daughter. It's a long story, but her mom was out of the picture, so I didn't have any time or space to meet women in the regular avenues, at work or otherwise. I thought this might make me some sort of commodity or something! But most women seemed very turned off by a dude with a kid, except for the two single moms I did go out on dates with. The booty call thing, well, that's different, and it's too bad there can't be more separation because there are a few lonely men out there who are/were looking for real companionship. But as you observe, I think they are mostly in a slim minority.

Another intriguing piece, you've distracted me from a nap so that show's your writing is worth it's salt renegadeT !



ivy 5 years ago

BUll's Eye ! no matter how true you said about yourself, you would never know if the other party is saying the truth as well..and personality rarely takes u places in this so-called world of online relationships.

i tried this one and i got badly broken. stupid of me to think it would work out when it was all just " online".. lol

COngratualtions it worked out for u :)

Strawberry Angel 4 years ago

I met my husband online 3 yrs ago. and we've been married 3 months and I've never been happier in my life. We we're lucky that we only lived an hour apart so we got to meet and date in real life very quickly.

igaveup 3 years ago

I am an attractive 58 yr old woman who works full time with a lucrative carrier, no baggage, no debt, basically can honestly say, "have quite a bit going for me". I have tried 4 different online dating sites. The results were all the same. The men were liars, needed, looking for sex, just plain clueless......need I go on? It has been the most depressing and unpleasant experience of my life. I use to feel pretty good about myself until I started this phoney excuse for finding a meaningful relationship. I have decided I would rather be alone than spend more than half a day with any of the many men I met. A total waste of time and energy. I used to really trust and believe in people being inately good; however, that has changed. I feel like Iwas in a comma for5 the last 25 years and woke up to a world I no longer know. What has happened to men? They ar not like the man as I remember him in my dating years prior to getting married in 1989. These dating sites are making someone very rich at the cost of peoples emotional health and finances. My opinion is it is the biggest rip off of the melinium. For thos who haven't tried, don't bother...If you are lonely like me, and miss having a menaingful relationship with the opposite sex, take my advise. Get out, do what you love to do, be happy with who you are and leave it to fate. So many scammers and losers out there. Not worth the time or money!!!!!

renegadetory profile image

renegadetory 3 years ago from Ottawa, Ontario Author

I think you have articulated what many women out there are feeling with regards to online dating. I too believe that the old fashioned way of meeting people is still the best! Good luck to you!

rainpurplewine profile image

rainpurplewine 3 years ago from ATLANTA,Ga

Yes, a lot of people do live double lives online. Some people just want to hook-up or escape their boring existence. However, the truth of the matter is those same creeps that are sitting behind their computer, could just as easily be met at a coffee shop or any other place. You have to be careful no matter where you meet people these days. Great hub!

epigramman profile image

epigramman 3 years ago

Hello my fellow Canadian from Colin and his cats Little Miss Tiffy and Mister Gabriel at lake erie time ontario canada 12:57pm and I can see why your hub score is at a lofty status of 100.

You are a world class writer who deserves to have her own 'advice' column in a daily newspaper online or off. Thank you for your profound and truthful words here and yes I've been there done that so to speak but experience is the essence of life isn't it - You would have to travel that road in order to know exactly what it all means.

Love your style and the effort that you put into this hub presentation - Canadians rock here at Hubpages, eh, lol.

Sending you warm wishes and good energy and how has your winter been? Spring is definitely here now I would say.

renegadetory profile image

renegadetory 3 years ago from Ottawa, Ontario Author

Thank you epigrmman, those are really kind words and I appreciate your input! Life experience can be very valuable, whether that experience is good or bad, sometimes I find the bad experience to be the most valuable! I would sure love some warm weather here in Ottawa, it's a little cool for me, and I like it warmer.

CJ Sledgehammer 3 years ago

Dear Tory:

A well-written and thought-provoking work of art. You gave us all wise words to live by...I only wish I had read this sooner. I tend to be a trusting soul, but have had the "hard slap of reality" applied to my tender face on more than one occasion.

In other news.......

I signed on to "follow" you just now, thinking I already had a while ago. For some reason the silly follow button would not allow me to leave you fan mail. That being the case, I just wanted to say that I appreciate your perspectives and want to thank you for all your classy comments and Hubs. You are a breath of fresh air.

Peace be with you and yours - C.J. Sledgehammer

P.S. I am not sure if "following" a man is a violation of your personal policy, but if you ever want to take a walk of the wild side by following a man...I will reserve a seat of honor at my fire, especially for you. :0)

P.S.S. Voted up, interesting, useful and downright awesome!!!

renegadetory profile image

renegadetory 3 years ago from Ottawa, Ontario Author

CJ, it can be a good thing and a bad thing to trust people too soon and to always try to see the good in people, I know because I tend to fall into that category as well.

Thank you so much for your kind words, I truly appreciate them! I will certainly follow you as well!

CJ Sledgehammer 3 years ago

Thanks, R.T.!!! I pray that I never let you down and that I will be a source of strength and inspiration for you in the days to come. :0)

Blessings to you and yours - C.J. Sledgehammer

CatieMay 3 years ago

Wow! You really nailed it with this article from the men thinking we're all there for a hook-up to the disappointment if there's not instant chemistry. It's quite tragic really because ultimately men are passing on women who are a really great catch!

passthejelly profile image

passthejelly 3 years ago from Lakewood Colorado

I don't think it is fair to assume that all men think the same way. It is a very cynical approach. Although some may think that I don't believe that all do. Other than that you made some really valid points. Maybe online dating and online relationships don't work. Thanks!

renegadetory profile image

renegadetory 3 years ago from Ottawa, Ontario Author

All men certainly do not think the same way, but you've never been a woman on these dating websites and experienced what I have... as a woman, I can firmly say that most men on these dating sites are really just looking to hook up and not have a relationship, but not all of course.

CJ Sledgehammer 3 years ago

Dear Renegadetory:

I have never done the online dating thing so I am not sure what goes on there. I'll just ask because I do not know: do women submit their photograph on these sites? If they do, I bet it is their very best one.

Men are visual creatures and most of them are short-sighted enough to choose a woman based solely upon her physical beauty. Knowing the fairer sex as I do...they are already well aware of this, but it seems they often play along and throw the dog a bone anyway.

Perhaps women should use an avatar instead of their real photo to force men into seeing what they're really about. Force a man to fall in love with their words, thoughts, character, and spirit. When the time is right, reward him with a photograph and see where that goes. Just a thought. :0)

In His love - C.J. Sledgehammer

renegadetory profile image

renegadetory 3 years ago from Ottawa, Ontario Author

Actually, many women tend to put younger, thinner photos of themselves up... being very deceitful to possible suitors. I've talked to men who have had these experiences, and I asked them what the women said after they saw that clearly the woman lied about her weight, age, etc. They told me that these women thought that maybe the guys could get past their appearance and like them based on the conversations they had previously (or something along those lines). Sadly, nobody likes being lied to and the fact that the guy had been lied to on something as important and woman's appearance, it's no wonder guys get equally discouraged from using these sites.

CJ Sledgehammer 3 years ago

There is no room in my life for liars or deceivers. Life's just too short for that kind of enterprise. - C.J.

renegadetory profile image

renegadetory 3 years ago from Ottawa, Ontario Author

Best stay away from online dating then :-)

CJ Sledgehammer 3 years ago

I've never felt the need for it, but I understand what you are saying. By the same token, perhaps I should stay away from Hubpages as well? :0)

debbierl 3 years ago

It's a tool. It works for some, not for others. If your ego is fragile, I suppose it is not the best avenue to meet a potential partner. I never really was vested in how a date turned out. Just tried to be open. I had a couple of nice dates. One guy decided to go home and take a nap when I told him I didn't do casual sex. The dates turned out that there was no mutual interest, or the guy was interested but I was not.

A couple of guys lied about their height. I am an attractive woman and in good shape, so I was in pretty high demand. But, I didn't meet anyone who was a good fit. Although, a couple of the guys were really nice, and one will most likely remain my friend. If you truly don't go in with the agenda that this HAS to be 'the one' and you can not get caught up in fantasy and just meet people, it is fine.

Ultimately, I ended up getting back together with my ex boyfriend (neither of us ever got over the other), so my experiment with on-line dating came to an end.

I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss it. It is just another way to meet a person, and if you aren't in an area or profession where it is easy to meet people, it can work.

HaileyAdams profile image

HaileyAdams 3 years ago

Ok so you think that there are liars only online, and that there are no liars in real life? Liars are everywhere. Have you tried a dating site ? you won't find any model like picture there, all pictures are of poor quality, and if you want to see a person before to actually meet up, there is a video chat option.

dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 3 years ago

It's not where you meet but (who) you meet that counts!

I met my wife online 6 years ago. In fact it's reported that 1 in 5 new relationships began online. Online dating is just another option or tool for meeting new people. The internet did not invent liars and cheaters! The same people you'd meet online also go to the grocery store, beaches, parks, concert halls, nightclubs, universities, malls, and churches.

To blame online dating for one's bad experiences would the equivalent of an obese person blaming a (knife & fork) for their weight gain! At the end of the day (you) are responsible for the choices you make. Don't blame the tool!

Another common mistake people make is they assume all dating sites are the same. That's like believing staying at a Motel 6 is the same as staying at The Ritz Carlton hotel because they both offer cable TV and have beds. You have to do your research. Avoid the "free" or super cheap sites if you want to increase your odds of meeting a "quality" person.

Last but not least take your time and get to know people. Use the same commonsense you'd use with meeting a stranger anywhere else.

Linda 3 years ago

WoW ! Girl ..You are spot on with every observation you've made. I have experienced ALL of that and more with on-line dating websites.

I have done the long-distance thing and ended up discovering down the road that "my boyfriend" was "dating" 5 other women long-distance , as well as sleeping with several women living in close proximity to him , all while LIVING with a woman !!! He's what I would sall a SOCIOPATH since he had no qualms about lying to ALL of us and felt no sense of guilt or remorse about any of it. Thank You for the best & most truthful & insightful blog I have ever read about the subject. I am for meeting the "old fashioned way" .......

renegadetory profile image

renegadetory 3 years ago from Ottawa, Ontario Author

Sorry to hear about your experience Linda, but even when you meet the old fashioned way, you still need to be wary until you feel certain you know the other person well!

good_tip 3 years ago

renegadetory, the reason you had bad experience is because of the choices you made, don't blame it on "men being like that"...don't deny that you went for the good looks and ignored the average looking nice guys.

Men do that too, they go for the hotties and complain they don't get responses. Both genders are at fault.

renegadetory profile image

renegadetory 3 years ago from Ottawa, Ontario Author

Excuse me, but I didn't choose to meet up with someone to have a one-night stand... that was their idea even though these men had claimed they wanted a long-term relationship which is why I messaged them to start with. Does a woman ask to be raped? Don't be ridiculous. I am not blaming men, but rather warning women that not everything is as it seems on these dating sites based on my own personal experience.

Orchid 3 years ago

Just as you can meet a liar or a guy only looking for sex at a bar, work etc. Online is a bit of a minefield. People do lie or 'exaggerate' shall we say. I had dates where the guys said they were 'intelligent, tall, witty, charming, good looking, funny'. No they weren't! Some are just plain odd, never had girlfriends, they would have no chance in a bar, so you have to wonder why they are online.

You would think it was easy, it does all the work for you pictures, interests, no awkward opening line. But guys mess around too. Some endlessly view your profile, don't have any text or pictures, wink or don't make the first move. Then you exchange and couple of emails and they disappear! On their profiles they state they are looking for an interesting, intelligent & funny. Erm hello!

You want to look attractive and interesting, guys just make smutty comments or ask you out for a drink without really getting to know you. Frustrating at times. Shame there isn't a way to filter less serious people. Especially when you are paying for the privilege. I'm a smart, attractive, funny, easy going, brunette with a lot to offer, but I don't get that much attention. Guess guys are going for the younger, easy blonde bimbo types. I am looking for a relationship not sex or casual. What has happened to men I wonder?

Dutchboy 2 years ago

I have found online dating to be inconsistent and mostly frustrating. It's interesting how women who write so positively of themselves find themselves on these websites for months, if not years. For the person who is genuine, honest and is truly interested in finding ONLY one person, it's a daunting task. Women seem to love and thrive on all the attention and if they're narcissistic, well, they're in heaven. For the simple man hoping to meet someone, they have to 'compete' with numerous others for women who would normally not get all the attention in a non-online dating avenue. One women mentioned that she didn't like all the attention because she couldn't imagine the 30 guys standing in front of her at one time who emailed her that day alone! It's superficial and used by most men and women as an ego boast with artificial ramifications. All a woman has to do is place a pic with herself with puckered lips and wham-o, hundreds of idiots will comment. What is most hurtful is to find out that a women who you believed was only dating you, is still maintaining a profile and enjoying the attention. It's artificial and creates a false-sense of confidence thinking that just because many people view your profile or 'want to meet you' that you are now the talk of the town. I did meet a women online and dated for several months, only to find out that she still maintained an active profile and had over 150 emails present when she accidently shared a pic from an email on her account. Trust is everything in a relationship and with all the social media and tricks people play hiding information from those they are involved with, it's a nightmare being in the dating world of modern technology.

kirsa whitley profile image

kirsa whitley 2 years ago from Charlotte

while most of everything said is true, you do not have to be perfect to be perfect for someone ....and while chances are slim...I lucked up! good luck to you!

wokkawokka 2 years ago

I didn't ever lie in my profile and I actually do look like my pictures in "real life"… With that said is this…. (I'm a 31 year old male)

It seems many women have a "cyber bubble ego". Meaning that if there not interested they won't message you back. Which is pretty rude, considering most women would NEVER deny you like that in real life, nor would they even get the amount of attention they are getting online once they step out there front door. It's a security complex of sorts. They like the attention there getting from guys.

I'm 6'1' in very good shape. Masters degree, great job and have my life together well. The dates Ive been on were ALL jokes. Within the first 15 minutes the women were already lying about something. One said she was 28 years old, ended up being 35 years old and still married living with her husband. (no joke) The second one was indeed about 30-40 pounds heavier in person and was really 23 years old when she said she was 28.

And lastly……… "The Serial Free meal Women Daters"….Go figure, meet this girl up for Sushi. She looked like her picture all was well. Planned on doing something after lunch. When the bill arrives she leaves to the bathroom for over 25 minutes (no joke) I end up paying the bill. She finally comes out and says "ooohhhh my girlfriend said she needs to meet up with me" I need to go to her house… Well she left her I-phone on the table and I could see her text messages as she was going through her purse. the text said "This is chris from OKC (OK Cupid) are we still on for today… Her text said "yeah I'm on my way now" WTF R U KIDDING ME?

Online dating is a pathetic joke. Seems like it's for desperate people who are lazy in all honesty (being blunt)

I realized the signs to finally remove myself from online dating and do it the real and right way. In person.

Great article!

sonfollowers profile image

sonfollowers 2 years ago from Alpharetta, GA

RE: #1 "I thought you said sex"-

There definitely are men online who are looking for an actual relationship. I was one of them. I met someone online and we are happily married now with 3 kids. I would argue that the quality of the candidates online is no worse than that found out in the "real world". Online sites give you an opportunity to vet the other person before you meet, which I found to be incredibly valuable. This works in your favor, because people who are just trying to have sex won't have the patience for significant back and forth emails or the wade in slowly model you find at eHarmony. If you're not putting effort into vetting your "candidates" then that may be a significant reason why your experience was so bad.

RE: #s 2 and 4

This is a great thing in disguise. In the dating world, the sooner you find out about a person's character flaws the better! When you catch one lying or being generally shallow or scummy, say "thank you" and walk away! They just did you a huge favor!

RE: #5

Instructions on how to write an interesting profile that catches someone's attention is not at all the same thing as instructions on how to be someone else. It's just not the same thing. If those instructions bleed into emails, phone calls, and face to face then that's problematic. If it just applies to making a good profile then what's the harm in that?

General comments:

Dating online is not for everyone. Rejection can certainly come at a pretty fast clip because you have so many more potential candidates. In a bar (or in life in general), you are rejected just as many times. You just don't see it or feel it. But, if you are the kind of person that recognizes that people walk away for all sorts of reasons including their own brokeness, you will be less affected by that and this model will work for you.

My problem with this article is the message that online dating is for no one. I think this is a very arrogant statement. "Since it's not for me, it's not for them either." It's simply not true. It would be better to let people find their own path. I would rather see you share your experience without deciding for them what to do. Hopefully that makes sense.


renegadetory profile image

renegadetory 2 years ago from Ottawa, Ontario Author

I'm sorry you feel that my hub is "arrogant." Considering it is the hub with the second highest visitor traffic of all my hubs, I guess people must like arrogant hubs. I do not write hubs to tell people what to do, they are free to do as they wish and even if I did, so what? People can make up their own minds. The point of this hub is to share my experiences with online dating that show the uglier side of it. I have a right to do that.

I also find it interesting that you essentially blame me for my bad experiences. Did you read my profiles? Did you monitor my actions on these websites? Because if you did, then you would be qualified to judge my "efforts" and why I had the experience I did.

sonfollowers profile image

sonfollowers 2 years ago from Alpharetta, GA

I didn't blame you. :) I simply said that "if" this is true then... There are tons of people on these sites who are impatient and get bored with whatever "get to know you" strategy exists and want to quickly move to face to face. Others don't put effort into asking questions that might reveal something about the person's character and are more interested in how funny he is or whether or not he also likes to go hiking. This certainly can account for the negative experiences a person has had on dating sites. It's your job to figure out if that's you, not mine.

Most people have difficulty honestly evaluating themselves to try to figure out how much of their negative experiences in life is something they can actually control and fix. It's easier to assume that "my divorce is 100% my wife's fault." Your hub does a good job pointing out some of the pitfalls we can bump into with online dating. I just don't think it's a very balanced assessment. The upside is that I don't think the majority of your readers are necessarily looking for a balanced assessment. Humans love to commiserate. In my opinion, sometimes what we need isn't what we want.

I am simply sharing my opinion as others have. Thanks.

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Anishwebmaster 2 years ago from Mundi Kharar, Mohali, Chandigarh, (Punjab)

I think you are right..Online dating is a very bad idea. Almost everyone is fake.I always tried to stay away from online dating sites.

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lafleurdeplume 2 years ago from Chicago-land

What an interesting take on this subject... I'm just beginning to forage my way into the world of dating again and I'm not really sure where to begin. I guess online sites are NOT the way to go huh?

Ruth 21 months ago

Ditto! Thanks for writing this article. Bottom line, online dating is not what it was when some of these commenters met their loves. If you have a brain and are not looking for a hookup online dating can damage your view of society. It would be nice if more people let the few good people that are seriously seeking relationships to get out of their houses and stop waiting for an email saying here I am. Great article! Thought you had read my mind.

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mithereal 21 months ago from Tucson, AZ

i agree most of your points are true, i have tried the online dating thing for YEARS, nothing but stuck up entitled women. i have been single for 12 years now never even got 1 date frm any dating site ive ever used!!! thousands of dollars expended and all the time wasted. basically put if your not a model, forget it, be single for life. im an introvert nothings gonna change that, i have a good career nothings gonna change that, i dont have time to date in person because im always working. its not that online changes your view of society, society is f***d up. Women stay with men that abuse them and treat them like shit, its almost as if they want that, id rather be single than date some ratchet masochest or some woman that thinks they're better than me because they got a lil money.

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erinshelby 20 months ago from United States

It's too bad that the guys who've had bad experiences with online dating can't somehow meet the ladies who've also had the same bad experiences online! Where can good single men and women find each other if they're not venturing online?

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LaurieMaxson 20 months ago from AL

Great article. I myself never tried the online dating scene but I think the bar scene was just as bad. I love what you shared about people always looking for "attractive" people. This tends to be how society rules the world. I think people are much more fascinating when they allow themselves to just be who they are. If you can't find people that want to be with you, do a self examination. If there are changes that better you, meaning, you ditch the negative thinking that drives people away, then make the change. Don't ever change who you are, just because you think you aren't good looking enough.

letstalkabouteduc profile image

letstalkabouteduc 15 months ago from Bend, OR

Yes, it's still best to meet someone in the real world by doing something you enjoy -- playing golf, taking a cooking class, reading at the library, or performing in community theatre. Online dating definitely favors those who are attractive and extroverted. If you're an older women (40 plus), it's especially disheartening because the men your age want someone 20 years younger! Great hub.

Ask Jelly Baby profile image

Ask Jelly Baby 14 months ago from United Kingdom

Hi Rene

I wish I read this two years ago when I was going through a bad patch of dating online. Sadly where I live they are no men so the only choice I had was to go online. But after three disastrous meet ups I would never consider doing that again. I'm happier alone and if I'm destined to be alone then so be it. Excellent hub and very good valid points.

jx64 12 months ago

"Men" can do that in real life too... Most "men" in "real" life just want to hook up with a girl so he can bang her that same night. If it's such a concern, then why make it possible? In this day and age, technology has advanced rapidly, so why not use it? It's perfectly alright to go on Facebook using a smartphone, so why shouldn't it be ok to meet someone online and have a relationship with them? It sucks that you're apart, but from an emotional point of view, it can be life changing. If you arrange to meet up at some point, that would kick ass. In this day and age, it's not such a big deal. I met someone too that I'd like to meet.

Doesn't matter if you meet in "real" life or not, what matters is that you trust each other and bond with one another.

LaughingRain profile image

LaughingRain 11 months ago from Arizona

this is a good article because it makes everybody think how the Internet has taken over our lives making it easy to meet others, not only in dating, but in business, etc. It's here to stay whether we want those changes it brings or not. So I'm glad to see all this conversation and wish more than 1 in 5 long lasting relationships were people meeting online. as old as I am (68) I sometimes long for the old fashioned way of meeting. it was called dating, and we women used to have car doors opened for us as a way to show the man had respect for us. I loved it. I loved the slow nurturing way of old fashioned dating. But times change and now we do internet dating. If you're expecting a text message, it's still a kind of "date." Not much chance of it coming to something long lasting though, if you cannot sit down across a table and look into a person's eyes and get to know them that way. No substitute for eye contact which can tell you all you need to know. If you go into the online dating thing, just know you're taking a chance and that the imagination is much more active than reality is. Nice looking people are not always as nice as they look on the outside and getting to know someone is not as easy as sending off a text message. Our society needs to be comfortable to be single or you can't be comfortable with someone else as well. and thanks, I wish you all the greatest love and fulfillment howsoever that looks for you.

michele 9 months ago

I have been on 3 dating sites

Eharmony, zoosk and rsvp

All I found that fakes and play boys who have an agenda.

Dating sites have too much hype.

I have never found a good boyfriend.

I run and own my own business and I study aswell but I always find a balance for a social life.

I have always tried in relationships but it's usually after 2-3 months I truly find out who those men are truly like then it ends up in a break up because it was a lie.

dating sites are just for playboys and users looking for money or a sex toy, not true love. Advertising of dating sites is bs and should check their members better.

David 8 months ago

Online dating is poison.

Erika Oquiana profile image

Erika Oquiana 8 months ago from Bacolod City, Philippines

Hi Rene,

I'd been to different online sites since 2012, and on my first year of being in there lets say I did found a few real men, some of them are my good friends. But I am not looking for friends, I am looking for a Boyfriend, but all I got was false hope and scams and lies. So I minimize my logging in to the dating sites and on 2014 I met a guy. He is a nice guy and a member of a Christian Community. Though he is not into social media sites our communication is kind of old fashioned way. He sent me a post card last year for my birthday, and we still talked with each other until now through text message or email.

I don't hope for the real one between us because I might get disappointed, if life favors one day and it will come true I will be greatful. But if not it will be fine with me. Love comes when you least expect it.

Best regards,


Noel P 5 months ago

Not all men are like what is described in this article. Nor are all women the cliches that are easy to think. The online dating thing without a single doubt works, as long as you are patient, don't take all the bullsh*t you'll encounter (I'd bet many of us who complain are also guilty of some of that bullsh*t, too) and know what to look out for.

It's incredibly hard for men, as well, because the majority of women will not give you the time of day if you're under, say, 5'10", and/or don't make six figures. I'm a shorter guy, and all it takes is patience and trying to not get upset by how lame us humans can be. I don't put up how much I make (which is a lot) because it automatically helps weed out the women I would never want to date. Little things like that can help.

Another way to make it work is to act in the way that you want OTHER people to act. I'm often surprised by profiles I read, then see the woman doing some of the very things she complains about guys doing. RESPOND to messages (the ones that aren't lame, obviously), be cool and friendly.

Another is to not set up impossible expectations based on the false romantic tinsel that we all grow up on in this country of ours. Everyone -- Every. Single. Person. -- is flawed, and no relationship is perfect. Ever. That's not a bad thing at all; it's reality. Once you accept that, you have a better shot at both online dating and staying with someone you meet.

People window shop forever online, which is the biggest problem with it. The way to make something positive happen is to actually meet people online IN PERSON, where online identities are no longer a mask. People also think that there's always something better than what they have, something better just around the corner. This is a basic human condition, unfortunately, but it can be worked around.

I've had a few truly amazing relationships from women I met online. They didn't work out but we're all still friends, and there's no difference between the amount of breakups and divorces on the offline vs. the online world.

Claire G. 5 months ago

Those complaining about the people they find on dating sites should also look into their own behaviors, what they're writing in their profiles, how they're responding to people, and how their personal filters are working. I've always been able to find massively intelligent, kind, grounded, and real men online (OKCupid, mostly), as have many of my girlfriends. I'm married to one right now, as a matter of fact. I wrote him, which is not my usual style, but it sure as hell paid off in this instance. But it takes a lot of patience and you need to put out there what you want in return. I also agree with the author that getting addicted to it is hugely dangerous, just being addicted to FB, your iPhone, etc., is hugely dangerous.

Rachel 5 months ago

I agree with this article and it is spot on,get used to rejection and also being able to reject someone. I'm actually a pretty woman and in great shape my biggest hurdle is that I am conservative and yes most of these guys are looking for hookups. I state this in my profile and men still try, the worst is when they shame me and say I am no fun, I'm beginning to think men prefer whores.

kiddiecreations profile image

kiddiecreations 5 months ago

I agree with your hub to an extent, although I also agree with your point that there are exceptions. One of my best friends met her husband online and they have 2 daughters and a happy marriage. None of my online dating experiences turned into anything more than a few dates, though. I do have some pretty funny stories that came out of it. I ended up meeting my husband at church. In my experience, meeting online is tough because you don't have the benefit of mutual friends and acquaintances, etc, and I agree with you that people do often lie and misrepresent themselves. To each their own, I guess, but it wasn't the right path for me.

Protago 5 months ago

I've come to discover that online dating is a scam. If you've ever browsed the Craigslist personals, it isn't about dating; 99.99% of the posts are the most disgusting, despicable, but aggressively honest requests to hookup for quick sex. I've discovered that online dating is no different than Craigslist, but is the feminine version; that is, people go there to play games and develop experiences & seduction skills. It is the passive form of Craigslist.

Where Craigslist is the left brained masculine aggressive ads of prostitution—dating sites are no different. They are the right brained feminine passive ads of prostitution. Craigslist is therefore about logic & blatant honesty, and getting off and doing it real quick & aggressive; dating sites are 99.99% the same kinds of sluts but they play with fantasy, the art of romance & dating. If you are a real person looking for real love, and you are unaware, you could enter into the world of fantasy hooking up and believe it to be reality—winding up raped, manipulated, and abused.

Joseph Dabon 4 months ago

Good points. But online dating is not dating per se, but meeting someone who could exude the same vibrations as you. You don't immediately strip down to your undies to anyone you meet online.

In fact meeting online is probably even a better way of getting to know each other before having and eyeball-to-eyeball.

Merry 2 months ago

It is scarier than loneliness. What if the nice person gets serious and it is hard to get away?

Hanee 2 months ago

A very well written article which capsulates beautifully the real essence of Internet dating. I have personally tried Internet dating several time, always on the recommendation of others (normally content couples who have no idea about the complexity of dating). Each time I have tried I have always regretted it and always felt that I was selling myself out and putting myself up for a fall. It's a little soul distroying, particularly if you get no responses or the only responses are from sleazy, older individuals that sent you a generic message. It's unfortunately similar to a "meat market" where you are judged on your looks rather than your merit

I find also that the prolonged emailing of a "potential match" is a bad idea as it allows you to formulate a picture of the person and when you eventually meet in person, that individual does not live up to your expectation. It's like reading a book and visualising what the individual character would look and act like, and having that illusion shattered when you see the the film adaption where the actor is not what you visualised...for example Christian Grey

Hanee 2 months ago

A very well written article which capsulates beautifully the real essence of Internet dating. I have personally tried Internet dating several time, always on the recommendation of others (normally content couples who have no idea about the complexity of dating). Each time I have tried, I have always regretted it and felt that I was selling myself out and putting myself up for a fall. It's very soul distroying, particularly if you get no responses or the only responses are from sleazy, inappropriate individuals that send generic messages. It's unfortunately similar to a "meat market" where you are judged on your looks rather than on your merit.

I find also that the prolonged emailing of a "potential match" is a bad idea as it allows you to formulate a picture of the individual, therefore, when you eventually meet in person, that individual does not live up to your expectation. It's similar to reading a book and formulating an image of the individual character, visualising how they look, act and sound. However, when watching the film adaption,that illusion maybe shattered when seeing the chosen actor. A classic example of this is the character Christian Grey.

I think Internet dating has had it's day. The genuine, quality individuals that once used the site sppropriately have left and made way for trolls and sleazy individuals. Oh well, that's life.

BB 2 months ago

I have tried internet dating for years, only time I actually met and spent time with someone was 2 years with a BI-POLAR Gold digger. It took months for her to admit what she was and I originally believed I had settled in spite of having lots of money, half decent looks but the fatal flaw of having very low self esteem - very easy for her to walk all over me- she was in essence not really good looking which I felt was a good thing guy was going to take her away but she was very practiced at being a predator. It's been 6 years since then...never recovered financially from paying for her home renovations but glad I left before I was bankrupt. I'm 60 plus and after raising my own 2 children alone I'm willing to stay alone .. I'm never willing to come to any woman's rescue no matter how convincing she is. I'm better alone and OK with that...stopped even looking since my trust is zero of any woman. So the online predators are not just GUYS.

Lorri 6 days ago

I so agree. I have met over 100 complete losers on line. Liars, married men, disgusting drunks and pigs. I am in my mid 50's and in pretty good shape, educated, own my own home, drive a sports car and most say funny and nice to be around. I get dates, but almost all of them were with men I would never consider in real life.

I put forth an honest and open profile with recent pictures. I get lots of responses from foreign scam artists, men seeking sex and slimy creeps who look and speak like they just crawled out from under a rock. Unkept, and lonely old men pretending to me within my age range looking for arm candy or a caretaker. Men pretending to be rich and important while living in a trailer. On line dating may work for sad lonely people who stick to their own kind, but for the rest of us, its downright pathetic.

Iris 3 days ago


I tried to get a partner "offline" but two years of trying didn't bring anything to me so I decided to go online. I am 20 years old. My online experience wasn't that great anyhow. But I have trouble meeting men offline. And by trouble , I mean, I don't meet men. I also don't have any friends who could introduce me to people or hang out with me somewhere. So.. idk I'm kinda depressed.

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