10 Things Women Should Stop Doing If They Want to Keep a Man

Updated on October 8, 2019
letstalkabouteduc profile image

Ms. Meyers has learned her lesson about giving unsolicited dating advice to her girlfriends but will happily share it with others.

Asking for his advice and not following it makes a man feel used, duped, and dismissed.
Asking for his advice and not following it makes a man feel used, duped, and dismissed. | Source

Are You a Pro at Chasing Men Away?

  • Do you ask for your man's advice but never follow it?

  • Do you see his potential and plan to mold him into your vision?

  • Do you amuse him by making catty comments about other women?

  • Do you set aside your interests and hobbies to focus all your attention on him?

If you're nodding your head, you're doing a good job of chasing men right out of your life. If you want one to stay, you need to look at your behavior and make the necessary changes.

Can You Handle the Truth?

We all know women who ask questions without wanting truthful answers. “Do I look fat in this dress?” is something a gal says to her boyfriend, seeking reassurance or fishing for a compliment. The last thing she wants to hear is anything resembling an honest response such as: “Yes, you look like a ton of lard in that!”

Similarly, when a single woman laments to her circle of friends, “Why can't I keep a boyfriend?” she's not wanting a well thought out, constructive reply. Instead, she's looking for unconditional support and comforting words from her posse: “There's a lot of losers out there," "It's them, not you," and "Don't give up hope. Some day your prince will come.”

But, as a pal to many single ladies, I'd love the chance to tell them what I really think without losing their friendship. I see so many of them making the same mistakes and, if they could accept the brutal truth and change their behavior, guys would enter their orbit and never leave. Here are 10 things women need to stop doing if they want to keep a man.

1. Asking for advice but never taking it

There's nothing more flattering than someone asking for our advice. A woman who does this with her boyfriend makes him feel worthy as if his sage words are truly valued. When she turns around and consistently ignores his input, though, she undoes all the goodwill she's built up with him.

He feels duped, discarded, and disrespected. Furthermore, when he overhears her asking for advice from her mother, her neighbor, her co-workers, and everyone under the sun, he realizes she loves the attention and couldn't care less about his counsel.

An askhole is basically a person who asks for your opinion or advice, yet never uses your advice and does the opposite of what you said to do. Askholes sometimes ask questions for the sake of asking questions or making conversation. They zone out when you supply an answer, and they always end up doing their own thing. They sometimes will even ask the advice of multiple different people so they will eventually come across an answer that best suits what they want to hear.

— Saskia Whitelock, blogger

2. Trying to change him

Some women look at a man's potential and figure that they can mold him into what they desire. Instead of taking him "as is," they imagine turning him into an ambitious guy who'll make big bucks, a sensitive soul who will talk for hours about his feelings, or a stay-at-home kind of dude who wants a wife and kids.

This, however, doesn't work for two significant reasons. One, the only person a woman can change is herself, not her partner. Two, men want to be loved and appreciated for who they are. When they discover that their lady sees them as a fixer-upper, they get wounded and look elsewhere for unconditional love and acceptance.

There is nothing wrong with encouraging someone to be the best they can be or helping them see other options. But no guy wants to have his 'mom' tell him what to do and what he’s doing wrong. Acting like his mother makes him feel like he’s not good enough.

— Jason Treu, blogger and life coach
Don't go into a relationship thinking you'll change him.
Don't go into a relationship thinking you'll change him. | Source

3. Repeating stories

Some women fall in love with their own narrative, never tiring of telling their tales and hearing the sound of their voices. When guys mention that they're already familiar with the stories, these ladies plow right along as if that fact is irrelevant.

Eventually, the men realize that they're not needed and any set of ears will do. Hearing the same thing over and over again leaves them feeling like hostages and their only goal becomes to win freedom.

4. Never resolving problems

Some women marinate in their issues: an on-going battle with a co-worker, an unresolved conflict with the landlord, a festering dispute with the neighbor. Their problems become their identities, and they don't want to part with them. Men, on the other hand, are problem-solvers who strive to resolve issues and move forward. Hence, we have the term "drama queen" and not "drama king."

In "How Gender Differences Make Decision-Making Difficulties," Dr. Susan Heitler warns that a woman's on-going predicaments can frustrate guys. She writes, "when men address a problem, they tend to head straight for the finish line. They view success as finding a solution, preferably asap." When their gal's issues never go away, guys see this as a personal failure. They eventually get discouraged, give up hope, and look for a different situation where they can be of more use.

5. Being catty about other women

While a guy might chuckle awkwardly when his lady makes mean-spirited comments about other women, he's also taking mental notes. When she makes snide remarks like "she looks like a sausage squeezed in those jeans" or "her IQ can't drop any lower," he knows it reflects her insecurity, competitiveness, and envy.

He realizes that same cruelness could one day be turned on the women he loves dearly: his mother, his sisters, and his female friends. He's looking for someone who can blend into his life with everyone he knows—both male and female—and a catty woman isn't a good fit.

6. Talking too much about feelings

Many women love to talk about feelings—their own and those of everyone else. One reason why is because they're so good at it. According to a University of Montreal study, females have a superior ability to understand emotions and read facial expressions compared to their male counterparts. If guys, therefore, aren't keen on conversing about the inner world, women should not force it. They should save those conversations for times when they're with their girlfriends, moms, and sisters.

7. Being high-maintenance

While some guys are attracted to high maintenance women at first, they eventually get frightened off by their unreasonable demands and high expectations. According to Kara Oh, who dispenses advice on dating and relationships, men don't want to be on their toes all the time. They don't want to cater to a lady's every whim, making sure every detail is just right. Guys want to relax with a gal who's flexible, spontaneous, and fun. They eventually move on from a high maintenance woman, realizing they'll never make her happy.

8. Talking too much about her pets

There's no doubt that people love their pets and with good reason. Numerous studies show the remarkable benefits—both psychological and physical—of owning an animal. However, when a woman talks obsessively about her beloved pet, it can be a real turn-off to guys, leaving them glassy-eyed and bored out of their minds.

Instead of a monologue about their precious pooch, charismatic cat, or perceptive parakeet, women should be prepared to discuss topics that will stimulate a dialogue. They could include favorite songs, movies, and books, preferred ways to exercise and get fit, current events, hobbies, and great places to travel and hike. They could also discuss shows that they're binge-watching and places they like to frequent for brunch, coffee, or dessert.

9. Giving the silent treatment

I've actually had friends brag to me about giving their guys the silent treatment as if it signifies that they have the upper-hand. In reality, though, it's a sign of tremendous immaturity and of them not being ready for a grownup relationship.

On one end of the scale, a gal who gives the silent treatment may lack communication skills and self-confidence. On the other end, she may be a narcissist who uses it as a way to punish her partner and make him squirm. Either way, a smart man knows it's time to bail.

At best the silent treatment is an immature behavior used by spoiled brats and manipulative individuals.  At worst, it is a weapon used by abusers to punish their victims...Whether the person in your life is using the silent treatment immaturely or abusively, one thing is for sure, it is infuriating to receive; problems cannot be dealt with, conflicts remain unresolved, simple conversations are thwarted, and in the end, relationships employing this tactic become either toxic on nonexistent.

— Dr. Sharie Stines, counselor and educator

10. Abandoning her own interests and hobbies

When dating a guy, some women make the mistake of letting their interests and hobbies slip away as they become overly focused on the relationship. This, however, can result in them seeming less appealing, too clingy, and not as independent and interesting as they initially appeared to their guy.

According to blogger, Melissa Dixon, men find some hobbies that women do more attractive than others. These more desirable ones include running, fishing, archery, cooking, photography, and gaming. They like their ladies to partake of activities that keep them physically fit and promote their overall well-being.

What do you think?

What's the secret for keeping a good man?

See results

Questions & Answers

  • Why does he keep saying he wants it to work and then the next day says he's done with me?

    There are many reasons why he may do this: he's emotionally immature and not ready for a relationship, he fears commitment and wants to keep his options open, he's impulsive and speaks before thinking, he enjoys playing with your emotions because it makes him feel in charge. The real question, though, that you should be asking is: Why do I put up with it?

    It's always easier (and more enjoyable) to look at another person's “stuff” rather than shining the light on ourselves. It's a distraction from making the tough choices and doing the hard work that's necessary to build a meaningful life. Focusing on someone else stops you from starting the next part of your journey toward self-discovery.

    Do you enjoy the emotional roller-coaster ride that you're on together? A lot of women do and would find their lives too boring without the drama. Are you consciously or unconsciously with this guy because you fear commitment/marriage? Is this man's erratic behavior emblematic of a pattern you have in romantic relationships? Are you choosing men to fix the past with your father?

    These are some heavy-duty questions to ask yourself as you reflect on why you tolerate this behavior. If you want a commitment, it seems like you're wasting time with this man and need to move on from him. You certainly wouldn't want to be married to someone who behaves like this.

    It's a good time to take a break from relationships and work on yourself so you'll be ready for someone who's more reliable. Focus on yourself. Take classes, read, study, exercise, and challenge yourself in new areas. Figure out what you want in a man and what you won't tolerate.

  • Is it OK to see a guy who is already seeing someone because I believe it might work out in the long run?

    No. Romantic relationships come and go, but your character, integrity, and reputation last a lifetime. You never want to sacrifice those for a guy. Whether it works out with him or not, it's too high of a price to pay.

    Besides, why do you want to date a man who's willing to date two women at once? What does that say about him? What does it say about you? Perhaps, it would only be okay if he made it perfectly clear to both women that he was dating the other one and was not interested in an exclusive relationship. However, that doesn't show a lot of maturity or depth of emotion.

    With that being said, there's no harm in being perfectly straightforward with this guy. You could say, “If you ever find yourself single, I'd very much like to go out with you.” He would be very flattered and appreciate your frankness. You could also add a few sentences about why you think the two of you would work as a couple.

    Then, back off and see what happens. In the meantime, put your focus on meeting other guys. This one may seem especially desirable to you because he's unavailable. It's human nature that we covet what we can't have.

    The former Secretary of State, Madeleine Albright, famously stated “There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women.” The older I get, the more this rings true to me. Dating a guy who's seeing another woman is not classy and not at all respectful of her. It teaches men the wrong thing about women.

© 2017 McKenna Meyers


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    • CatherineGiordano profile image

      Catherine Giordano 

      2 years ago from Orlando Florida

      You present a very good list of behaviors we all should try to avoid. They not only apply to boyfriends, but to all aspects of life. Even men can learn something from this list.

    • letstalkabouteduc profile imageAUTHOR

      McKenna Meyers 

      2 years ago

      Thanks, Bill. I think the women who need to read this the most won't. A person really needs to be in the right place - mentally and emotionally - to see their negative behaviors and change. It's not easy.

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 

      2 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Well that was a fascinating read. Truthfully, I was going to skim through it, but you hooked me early on and then I couldn't stop. I love your blunt honesty. I wonder how many will take it to heart? Sometimes the hardest person to face is ourselves.

    • letstalkabouteduc profile imageAUTHOR

      McKenna Meyers 

      2 years ago

      dashingscorpio, you are the relationship guru and I appreciate your thoughtful comments. You're so right. One needs to be a strong, confident person in their own right so they can attract a similar mate. Don't go into a relationship thinking you'll change your partner or your partner will change you.

    • dashingscorpio profile image


      2 years ago from Chicago

      Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse.

      The number one reason why relationships fail is because people (choose) the wrong mate for themselves!

      Everyone has their own mate selection process/must haves list.

      The goal is to find someone where you both can "be yourselves" and be love and appreciated for it.

      Compatibility trumps compromise.

      Most men initially look for three things.

      1. Physical attributes (Beauty is in the eye of the beholder)

      2. Easy going/approachable personality not standoffish.

      3. Similar sense of humor.

      Everyone has their own boundaries and "deal breakers".

      Without a doubt there are women with one or a few of the traits mentioned who managed to not only hold onto a boyfriend but to have the man marry them!

      There is no such thing as a "universal deal breaker".

      Whatever you or I could come up with there are people living in relationships under those conditions who have no plans to go anywhere!

      In a world with over (7 Billion) people maybe there really is someone for everyone! The challenge is to find them! :)

      When we change our circumstances change.

      However we must really want to change and not use "bait and switch" tactics to win someone over only to later reveal our true selves. That's another way to lose a mate!


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